Category Archives: children of narcissistic mothers

Vissisitudes of Living with Narcissistic Rage

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You have felt the ever sharp knifing through your body innumerable times if you are married to a narcissist, the son or daughter of a narcissist or sibling of a narcissist.  Narcissistic rage is always on a boil within this person. It explodes at full force without provocation. He/she is filled with charm, magnetism, grace, conversation that moves so skillfully—yet when you are alone, in private the dynamic changes 180 degrees.

Now he is rampaging through the house–yelling, screeching, howling like a person gone mad.If you are the child of a narcissist you remember too vividly how close your narcissistic mother got to your face, her eyes gone wild, her mouth fully open, your nervous system quaking–you telling yourself: “This time she is going to kill me.!” Being on the receiving end of a narcissist’s primal rage feels like imminent death. But you don’t die and wish you had because the primitive sound does not stop. It feeds on itself. You run and the narcissist pursues you in the house. You can’t get away. It’s like a recurring dream that haunts you every night.

Finally, this round is over for now but you know that it will return. The monstrous tone, the menacing look in the eyes, the body that feels like it will strike and flatten you will come again. That you know—but not when and there is the terror. There is a dreadful unpredictability about these seizures of rage. As a result you are awaiting annihilation.  Your nervous system is on vigil, in fight or flight mode at all times, even when you are asleep. There is no inner safety, no secure place in your mind and body where you can go when this human Vesuvius erupts.

As an adult who is healing from the narcissistic parent, spouse or sibling remember that you are entitled to change the way you feel inside. You did nothing wrong. You were victimized by a highly pathological human being. None of this is your fault. You could not have nor can you now change this person.Tell yourself each day that you are entitled to lead a life that offers you peace, security, a feeling of steadiness inside. The body/mind is prepared to heal. Be receptive to this process. You may find that excellent psychotherapy, gentle hatha yoga, forms of meditations, healing relationships, using your creative gifts, music, Nature and all of the ways that you intuit will make you whole. Gather your faith and hold it close. Do the work of healing every day. You deserve this inner peace.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Sons and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers are Entitled to Heal Completely

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Psychological wounds of being the child of a narcissistic mother persist in the mind and heart. Many sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers have suffered since early childhood from a combination of emotional neglect and verbal and psychological abuse. You always lived with the secret that “mom” (actually a non-mother) wasn’t the person everyone believed her to be. Socially she was adept–everyone thought she was a wonderful person, always thinking about others. In public her manners were impeccable. Often these mothers create a visual image of themselves that is very attractive. They know how to schmooze and to gain peoples’ trust. Some are active in community projects; others are highly trained, outstanding professionals–specialty physicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, accomplished attorneys, masters of finance, etc. On the outside they are perfection. The insides that they activate with their children are nightmarish and horrifying.

Psychoanalyst Alice Miller focused much of her writings on narcissistic mothers and the negative consequences for children of these highly disturbed individuals.  She poignantly describes the young child’s dilemma–how he/she is trapped in the narcissistic mother’s web in Prisoners of Childhood:…a child is at the mother’s disposal. A child cannot run away from her as her…A child can be so brought up that it becomes what she wants it to be. A child can be made to show respect, she can impose her own feelings on him, see herself mirrored in his love and admiration, and feel strong in his presence, but when he becomes too much she can abandon that child too a stranger. “ 

Learning that you are entitled to heal from your narcissistic mother is a new beginning in your life. Being in touch with your real self–that person who is genuine, spontaneous, has humor, respects his gifts and accomplishments, shares his affection with others, is learning to be a lively child again while being a responsible adult—all of these qualities you will reclaim. To process of healing goes on throughout our lives. It is challenging. There are speed bumps and sometimes we feel like we are in reverse. But keeping our eyes on the goal of fully becoming who we were meant to be is the great beacon that moves us forward each day. Healing takes place through discipline, faith and action and the firm belief that we are entitled to heal. This is an essential part of the work. Any one who interferes with this process cannot be held close. No one will ever block the flow of  our lives again. You are moving with the tides, the flow of the rivers and the creative depths of your unconscious and the gift of intuition–our inner wisdom guide. Pay close attention and you will hear the messages that speak of your healing and your entitlement to it. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Divorcing Your Narcissistic Family

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Some families are so narcissistically toxic, being a part of this highly disturbed family tableau is intolerable. You have been a psychological punching bag most of your life. When one or both parents are narcissists together with one or two golden children, you are crowded out by egos so inflated that there is no room for you. As a young child you are at the mercy of these people from hell. What are you going to do? Walk out of the house at the age of five after you have been screamed out and pushed around most of your young life? You can’t. You have to stay because you are too young and vulnerable. Young children who grow up under these dire conditions are always in a state of siege. Some of them learn to become invisible among their own family members. The hide in their rooms and when they are older spend many hours in the homes of their friends.  Narcissistic mothers love to choose favorites–a son who is handsome, dynamic, talented, bright, cocksure of himself. He moves through the house, treating you like a slave. The scapegoated child is subject to varieties of cruelties by their parents and siblings. In some cases two siblings will get close so that they can make protect one another from constant verbal onslaughts, intimidations, jaw dropping humiliations that sear through the heart of a child.

As the abused child in a narcissistic family grows up it can be difficult to feel entitled to lead your own life, to stop blaming yourself for not fulfilling your parents’ delusional demands, for being imperfect. Even if you had been perfect—this is never enough for the narcissistic personality. If you don’t fit into their image that mirrors them and whom they have chosen, you can’t win. So stop trying. Seek your psychological and emotional freedom from your highly dysfunctional, abusive family.

Adult children who take this step are very courageous and deserve our respect. This is not easy but it is essential to separating out of your highly disturbed family of origin. Some find that excellent psychotherapy will help them. As you stop contact with your family from hell and grow away from them and recognize and appreciate your uniqueness and your creative gifts, you will begin to sense a stillness inside of yourself. You will learn to appreciate your uniqueness and discover there are others whom you meet that enjoy your company and your authenticity. This individuality of yours is delightful. You discover your humor, your joy, your capacity for loving others and receiving this in kind. Enjoy your freedom, your lovely heart, your great creative gifts, your growing evolving self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Being Victim of Narcissistic Generational Abuse Stops with Me

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I hear from many men and woman who have endured and survived horrendous narcissistic abuse from their Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Siblings, Narcissistic Spouses. A number of them report narcissistic cruelties, betrayals, abandonment, scapegoating, bullying that was pathologically repeated from one family generation to the next. They speak of mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc. who perpetrated every manner of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. These victims can remember how they were treated as if it was yesterday. They speak about several generations of relatives who coldly participated in a variety of cruelties including psychological and physical abandonment, maternal deprivation, the imposition of sadistic punishments, making terrified servants out of their children, the engagement of horrific punishments that caused constant terror within the household. They described that they were servants in their own homes, bowing to the whims, needs and wishes of tyrannical narcissistic family members.

Those who rise up and say No More to narcissistic abuse are courageous individuals. Despite being surrounded by members of their own families who are endangering their psychological welfare, they make the decision not to side with these cold narcissistic family members who share only their DNA and completely lack any empathy for them. Those who free themselves of narcissistic generational abuse work hard to re-stabilize themselves, to recognize that they deserve to lead a life that belongs to them and that they are not dictated by the pathological whims, obsessions and parasitic needs of their narcissistic family members. Many benefit from excellent psychotherapy. There are many healing pathways including the practice of gentle yoga with the emphasis on the breath that calms that nervous system, learning to focus on their own self care, to create an exercise program that is tailored to their needs, recognizing that they deserve to experience deep inner peace, to use their unique creative gifts, to form healthy close bonds with others who love them. You have made a very important commitment. Your identity has changed forever, moving from victim of narcissistic abuse to leading your life in independence and freedom. You are a great example to all of us.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Family Members Distort Your Identity

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Growing up with a narcissistic parent you are constantly living with a person who creates his/her pathological reality. This individual is delusional and incapable of having a true relationship with himself or anyone else. A small child growing up with this person he or she calls a parent has a hard road ahead in finally seeing through mother, father, sister or brother’s true nature as a narcissistic personality. There are exceptions I have found where the young child knows very early that something is very wrong with the members of his family. He is on the outs—picked as  a scapegoat or dismissed as not fitting in because he is odd, eccentric or just not good enough. In the world of pathological narcissism delusion begets delusion. Narcissistic family members side with one another against the child who sees reality as it is. In many cases the young child is at the mercy of how his grandiose, unempathic,cruel, manipulative parents and siblings distort his identity. They insist that their view of the world and of reality is the only living definition of reality. Everything outside of the narcissistic zone is peculiar, foreign, eccentric and sick.

Many narcissistic parents or mothers or fathers mold their children into perfect mirrors of themselves. Achieving this will give them bragging rights and better still they will possess living representations of themselves. What could be better for them then to have a living puppet who dances and sings to their tune. Some children in narcissistic families worship their brothers and sisters. They want to be just like them. Unfortunately if your brother or sister is a narcissist, you have not received kindness in return for your love for them. They have turned on you, used you to do their bidding and spat upon your sense of self.

Narcissistic family members always find ways to distort and even destroy your true sense of identity. They do not respect your individuality, your creative gifts, your special brand of intellectual curiosity, your sense of humor. They trample on your tender feelings and humiliate you. They laugh at your displays of emotion, stomping on your feelings of tenderness, your fears, the deepest parts of your loving heart. They make fun of what is most precious to you. You feel like they are trying to destroy you and doing a hell of a job. Their purpose is to distort and even destroy your identity unless you become like them or act as their servants and sycophants.

There are many individuals who grew up in narcissistic families who lived in the desert of delusion for decades before they awakened and recognized that they were “raised” by individuals who didn’t give a damn about their childrens’ individuality and true identities. Finally, many of them begin to stir, open their eyes and realize that this was stolen from them when they were young and was perpetuated by intimidation and severe narcissistic psychopathology within the family.

Those who recognize that they had been forced to disbelieve and reject their inner true selves, make the opposite turn and begin to appreciate how genuine they are. For some it has taken years to see themselves and to love that part of them that is so essential and beautifully genuine and delightful. They are on the road to healing; they are unstoppable. In many cases they reject their families of origin and sever themselves from the pathological narcissistic family gulag.

They live in freedom. They are no longer forced to see through a glass darkly. There is no barrier to perceiving their inner and outer realities. They have a renewed vitality, the flourishing of their creative gifts, the joy of rediscovering their open hearts that are capable of loving deeply and they find an inner peace inside that has been waiting for them to embrace since birth.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.


Ongoing Psychological Abuse by Narcissistic Sibling

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There are many secrets held in families about sibling psychological abuse. Each child in a dysfunctional family is trying to survive. In a narcissistic family when a mother or father has NPD it is very difficult. When you combine this with a narcissistic abusive sibling, it is much more difficult.

From the beginning of there lives there are brothers and sisters who have to withstand their narcissistic sibling’s torturous acts, cruelties that go on every day. The narcissistic sibling constantly threatens them with physical harm, or says that they will get her brother or sister physically beaten or psychologically shamed by telling on them. Often this telling is a lie that the narcissistic sibling uses to erode and destroy the innocent sibling’s relationship with mother or father. Often the narcissistic mother and the sibling collude to victimize the chosen scapegoated child. This can take a form of torture to the point where the victim feels like he or she can be annihilated at any time. It is terrifying to grow up in these circumstances. The other parent is useless in standing up for this innocent child. The parent is oblivious or gone all of the time, or completely caught up in their own private world that has nothing to do with his/her children.

The abusing sibling is often chosen as the Golden Child who can do no wrong. These siblings perpetrate horrendous deeds on their brothers and sisters. When the parents are absent they bring their friends into the house to terrorize the already frightened child. They make him or her drink something that is putrid. They tie the child up for hours. They make him wet himself. They scare him to death, telling stories that they are about to kidnap him. And any other horrendous idea you can imagine. I know about these abominations from those who write to me and share their life stories. It can be hard to imagine that these cruelties take place. Believe me, they are happening and being repeated day after day and during the night. They are never ending. Children who grow up in these circumstances often develop post traumatic stress disorder. The narcissistic parent ignores her child’s symptoms–night terrors, recurrent horror dreams, anxiety attacks, agoraphobia, physical symptoms of extreme distress. Narcissistic mom thinks it is all so humorous and overblown. “You have a wild imagination and are making this up to get attention.” “Shut up and do your school work and don’t talk about this again. I am sick of your lies.” Among themselves the narcissistic sibling and the mother make fun of the child who is being severely abused. They are purposely perpetrating these cruelties upon this child.

Never underestimate the psychological damage that a narcissistic sibling in collusion with a narcissistic parent can and will do. Remember there is no conscience with these people. Some narcissistic siblings are highly sadistic and get pleasure from harming their brothers and sisters.

Those who remain silent–adults who know the truth–need to speak up an stop this horrendous cycle of abuse and torture. If you do now speak out and intervene, no one else will. Much of human nature has a distinctively dark side. Don’t brush this truth away. Use you knowledge to alleviate the suffering of others who have been through these psychological hells of childhood. Many of these children survive to tell their stories. They are inspiring and redemptive. They are our heroes.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Reclaiming Your Identity from Your Narcissistic Mother

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Narcissistic mothers steal the true identities of their children. Completely self absorbed, selfish, cold, cruel and dismissive of their child, the narcissistic mother demands that everything in your life revolves around her. You only exist in her mind as an object that she can use to pump up her ego or a receptacle of her out of control rage or both. She is incapable of nurturing or cherishing her child. She cannot soothe them when they feel hurt or afraid. Some narcissistic mothers are always angry. I hear many of these stories from children of narcissistic mothers, saying that all they can remember was her out of control rage at them.The minute she walked in the door her kids went into hiding. She screamed through the house, demanding that they do her bidding–cleaning, waiting on her, cooking–doing every chore under the sun. Even little children at three years of age were expected to be her servants. The older ones raised the younger kids while mother lounged with her friends or went out shopping for long periods of time or they were even left over night to fend for themselves while she was out on dates with her boyfriends. In other cases, a series of men came in and out of the house to party with mother. There were numerous drunken scenes that her children were exposed to that caused them great fear and trepidation.

Narcissistic mothers never apologize for the psychological and emotional harm that they inflict on their children. Instead they blame them—even for being born. “I wish I never had you.” “You cause me nothing but trouble.” “You are to blame for all of my problems.” “I should have given you away.”

As an adult child of a narcissistic mother you have suffered from this psychological burden you have carried. But that does not have to be your identity. You can begin to heal by never blaming yourself for what your mother did to you or for her withholding love (that she never had inside of her).

Acknowledge that you are innocent and that you have survived this difficult family history. Give yourself a lot of credit for this huge accomplishment. Children of narcissistic mothers need to learn Self Care. By this I mean taking time each day to do some activities and practices that will calm your nervous system and give you a feeling of peace inside. These include some form of mindfulness. This can be meditation in a way that works for you. Listening to guided meditation through cds or other methods focuses your attention on the parasympathetic nervous system where you experience peace and calmness. Meditation can be very short. Try to be consistent so that it becomes a habit. Make it pleasant for yourself. Some people like to sit outside and listen to the birds, the wind, the changes in temperatures, natural sounds. Let your mind go free; don’t make judgments. Another healing activity is gentle hatha yoga where the emphasis is on breathing through the nose. You focus on easy poses and use the breath to stay in the moment. Some people find classes helpful; others use a cd or other method and practice on their own. Be open to finding individuals who can support your original identity, the real you. Use your intuition to find those whom you can trust.

Pay attention to the basics: eat healthy unprocessed food, get healing sleep, rest when you need to and exercise in a form that works for you.

Your original self is always there beside you and has been waiting since your birth to be acknowledged. Pay attention to the source of wisdom–the voice of your intuition. It is always speaking softly to you with kindness and truth.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Love to Make You Feel Worthless

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Narcissists are cunning, tricky and conniving. They must always be in control. When they are “on” and contact you, they always want something from you. They don’t give a damn about how you are feeling or your life struggles. They have decided they want something from you–your time, connections, money, influence—any advance they can and will take. In these circumstances they are playing their game to the max. Their tone and manner couldn’t be more charming. They compliment you in just the right manner that will pull on you emotionally. This is especially the case with an ex boyfriend/girlfriend, ex spouse. You ask yourself: “Why is this person coming back into my life now?” Your answer could be–because he has reconsidered his love for me. Watch out before you become engulfed by this play to your heart.

Narcissistic mothers and fathers and narcissistic siblings suddenly appear out of nowhere and make promises about coming back into your life. They are so clever with their words and their tone. “It’s been too long. Let’s spend some quality time together.” Those are the magic words to an adult child of a narcissistic parent that can bring them back into the psychological ambush and painful entanglement with this NPD. Remember, these personality disorders do not change. They believe they are perfect. Remember that they are predatory–always surveying their environments for narcissistic supplies. They calculate your kindness and come up with the answer: Bingo–They can play you once again, get what they want and then disappear, leaving you feeling abandoned, emotionally battered and confused. Don’t go down this road again. It is a painful acknowledgement to recognize clearly that your parent is narcissistic.

You are a unique individual, worthy of leading the life that you deserve. You are the author of your life story once you have severed the relationship with the narcissist. No one can own you, intimidate you, possess you. You are free to use all of your many gifts, to establish close relationships with others capable of compassion and kindness. Develop a strong pattern of self care–doing those activities that you love and that will make you strong on every level. Enjoy all of your many creative gifts, Learn how to laugh again. Trust you intuition. Seek the beauty and healing of Nature. You will find respite there. Rediscover your original previous self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Mothers–Avarice and Huge Egos

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There is a type of narcissistic mother who organizes her life around her ambitions not her children’s psychological and emotional needs. 

There are large numbers of mothers who must go to work to provide for their children. Some of them are divorced and the sole responsible parent.  They both work and take full parental responsibility.  These women put their children first even though they must work very hard to provide for them.They love their children and this is reflected in their kids’ deep love for them.

Many women are highly ambitious professionally. They possess the tools to high level success: drive, use of their fine intellects, formal education, talents, ambitions, fearlessness and confidence in themselves. They choose not to have children because their primary life trajectory is succeeding on the highest levels in business, academic, medicine, government, the corporate world.

Narcissistic mothers whether they have professional careers, work outside the home or stay at home, give birth to their children but don’t raise them. It is difficult for some people to understand why these women have children unless you understand the narcissistic mindset. The narcissistic focus is on the external—creating and maintaining the Perfect Image. Having a couple of children is part of their Image Portfolio.These women can be on the high end career track or those who have chosen not to work formally. They spend their days focusing on themselves: enhancing their physical appearance, constant social activities, etc. Their schedules are full and include very little time with their children.

Some narcissistic mothers are filled with avarice (“excessive or insatiable desire for wealth or gain”) ; they are obsessed with getting more. There is no end to their insatiable wants and musts. The narcissistic ego is boundless. She is perfect; others have enormous flaws. She is always right even when she makes huge mistakes that cause intractable pain and psychological damage to her children.

Children of narcissistic mothers suffer horribly under the cruel yoke of this self obsessed, unempathic parent. The pain often lingers after they have become adults. So many adult children feel guilty and take the blame for their mother’s countless cruelties, deprivations, torments, bullying, shaming, exploitation. Many of these adult children discover the pathways toward healing their psyches and minds. I have discovered through a number of years of contact with these children that they are often among the most understanding and compassionate individuals I encounter. They have survived with grace and a loveliness of spirit that heal them and others who cross their path.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Accuse You of Being Crazy–Not True

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Narcissistic mothers, spouses and siblings accuse their victims of being “crazy”. That can mean anything–that you express your feelings, think independently, call the narcissists out on his mistakes, that you are creating a life of your own, that you have talent and tremendous creativity.  Wherever you don’t fit into the mold that the narcissist has created for you, there will be a target of his/her volcanic rage. Narcissists are so intimidating to most family members that we tend to believe what they are saying to us—even though it is a lie, figment of a deluded person. You are not fitting into the narcissist’s image of how he has molded you.  There’s the rub. Being yourself is not part of his repertoire. Since all reality revolves around him/her, you cannot step out of this very confined psychological space or the doors of Hell will open right before your eyes.

Narcissistic siblings are often sadistic with the chosen victim brother or sister. Having mother or father in your back pocket is a big plus if you want to put your sibling in constant turmoil. He or she gets the blame always for things that the budding narcissist, the golden child has done. The victimized child is not crazy. He lives in terror from one moment to the next.

Narcissistic spouses dispense with their perfect images when they enter the confines of their private spaces and all Hell breaks lose with their screaming demands, their false accusations, their threats to expose you for something you never did. This is crazy making but you are not crazy. The narcissistic spouse is creating chaos inside of you that is intolerable. You don’t think you can live through one more moment. Some husbands and wives on the receiving end are so afraid that they go along with the narcissist and even blame themselves and agree with his delusional accusations.

You are not crazy; you are being severely abused and treated with disrespect, dismissiveness and a complete lack of empathy or compassion. In these instances the narcissist is inhumane. Stop blaming yourself if that has become your pattern of survival–identifying with the aggressor.  Seek excellent professional help and make sure you do all of the research on finding a therapist who is worthy of your trust. Reach out to friends whom you can count on. You only need one. Know deep down that you will prevail over living in a narcissistic family or being married to a narcissistic spouse or having a narcissistic sibling. There are so many alternatives waiting for you. Start to recognize the beauty inside of you–the original self that you always were. There are many pathways to freedom. Trust your intuition to find the one that is suited for you. Listen carefully and let yourself be guided. Meditation in a form that works for you deepens intuition and the guides that lead us to freedom and rediscovering our real selves. You will find individuals whom you can trust along the way. They will help you. Be receptive to the gifts of knowing that don’t come from the intellect. You are learning that you can be calm, that the body, mind and soul are always in the process of healing.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.