Narcissistic Spouses Thrive on their Hidden Agendas

Narcissists don’t tell the truth. It has been unfamiliar to them since childhood. From the beginning they learned to make up stories about their self importance, social mastery, intellectual brilliance, unique talents. These vignettes of greatness effortlessly roll off of their tongues. They have been practicing the art of self deception all of their lives.

Narcissists are highly secretive in their words and deeds. Everything they do or say is designed to protect their sense of perfection, self importance, superiority and greatness. This is especially the case with the classic larger than life narcissist. (This post refers to male and female narcissists).

When you enter a relationship with a narcissist it is unlikely you will be aware of how these individuals operate. Don’t blame yourself. The classic narcissist is highly skilled at attracting people to him whom he can control, manipulate and exploit. Many narcissists are very charming and attractive. They have an exciting vibe that magnetizes us to them. They know what to say that evokes a positive response within us. When the narcissist is on his seduction game it is very difficult to back off. We take in the compliments, the laser beam attention that encompasses us, the feeling of confidence that they communicate. The air is electric with their presence. It is a very believable fantasy. We are swept up by the charm offense of this intriguing individual. We are captivated and can’t let go. This is the beginning of the story for many individuals and their encounters with highly skilled narcissistic personalities.

Beneath the surface of this high level stage performance is the hidden agenda. The narcissist is seeking something from you that he must have as a narcissistic supply that will enhance his perfect image and worldly stature: your physical attractiveness,social/business status, financial positioning, your influential family connections, your education and professional pedigree. The narcissist knows how to “go for the gold” that he finds in you. He may even need to find someone of good character to play against his less than sterling moral profile.

Some readers and clients tell me that they knew before they married their spouse that he was narcissistic–self absorbed, selfish, lacking empathy, given to rising rages, image driven and lacking in emotional intimacy. Despite this intuitive sight they married the narcissist anyway.

As the years of the marriage progress, the character traits of the narcissist come sharply into view. The spouse is constantly subjected to the Hidden Agenda. Promises made are always broken. The reasons for these breaches are lies that work for the narcissist’s whims and desires. During the end of these marriages the narcissistic spouse insists that a fair mediation agreement that will be fair and amicable. Not true! The narcissist hires lawyers from hell (often narcissistic personalities) who whipsaw the opposing side into a court room ordeal designed to exhaust and drain the victim of abuse. In the meantime the narcissistic spouse secretly movea his financial resources to safety for his private use.

Making and acting on the decision to leave a narcissistic spouse permanently is a huge step. It is a difficult road to travel but a necessary one if you are going to move forward with your life and the recovery that you deserve. As you heal you know deep inside that there are never going to be any more hidden agendas or psychological ambushes.

Learn to put yourself first. You deserve this. The process of healing requires your patience and self understanding. Be kind to yourself and give yourself tremendous credit for moving ever more confidently along your life journey.

Posted in Divorcing Your Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality | 6 Comments

Don’t Blame Yourself for Your Narcissistic Parents

Some victims of narcissistic parents–mother or father or both, blame themselves for not being perfect. They live the guilt of not meeting their parents’ expectations. These demands on the part of narcissistic parents are delusional. Even if you had reached perfection by their standards it would never have satisfied them. As the child of a narcissistic mother or father you remember that making your greatest efforts to satisfy their expectations of your perfection was never enough. You were criticized, demeaned and humiliated. Even when you had straight A’s in school they chided you for not participating in enough extracurricular activities or being a loner. You were not social and popular–another failure from their deluded perspective. The invented ways of pulling you down when you needed acceptance and support. This was the result of your parent(s) psychopathology as a narcissist personality. It had and does not represent your true nature.

Many victims of narcissistic parents are haunted by feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness as a result of innumerable verbal assaults on them as children and adults. Some of these adult children make the decision to sever their relationship from the narcissistic parent. They cannot and will no longer tolerate this level of verbal abuse and the collusion of their parent(s) with other relatives to ruin your reputation.

You have a unique individual life that belongs to you–many talents and gifts that you can use to enrich your life. You have opportunities for loving relationships with those who will care deeply about you and love you for yourself. Think about this; you can be free. You are not defined by your family of origin but by your unique true self. Learn to appreciate your true nature and to calm the young child’s heart inside by doing a practice of some form of quieting the mind through guided meditation, simple yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nose to activate the calming part of the nervous system. Get your creativity going with music that you love, art in any form, dance, singing, spontaneous writing, finding ways to be with Nature in so small way each day.

Posted in Children of Narcissistic Mothers, Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Personality | 3 Comments

Rediscover Your Own Life–Go NC with Narcissistic Mother

Children of narcissistic mothers have the hardest life path. The person whom they turned to and counted on, walked away from them, punished them, humiliated them and threw them away. These words are painful to write but so much more painful to live.

I have spoken to many of these dispossessed children and their stories are chilling. They speak of ongoing repetitive cruelties that were designed to make them obedient and submissive and, yes, even to break them. I believe you absolutely and so to those who come to this site and these posts—You are not alone with the Truth!

You had to pretend you had a real mom and even convinced yourself this was the case. You told other kids that your mom was just fine. All the while you had to live a lie. You had to normalize the image of your mother to others for survival purposes. Early on you learned to put on a an inscrutable face, even a convincing cheery one to throw people off of the truth. There was no where you could go to tell the real story.  It felt too dangerous to reveal. At night you lay in bed and wept so quietly that not even a sibling in the same room could hear you.

Some children who grow up under these conditions keep believing that mom can and will change. This belief emerged when mother was in a good mood (a very rare occasion) and made promises to you–empty ones– that you believed. She would smile at you and you thought: “This time she really means it. I know she cares about me and will start to treat me like her real daughter (or son) rather than as an outcast.”

Now you finally know that this woman wasn’t a real mother–She is a narcissistic personality and incapable of true love or emotional intimacy or psychological attachment. That is disturbing and sad but true.

I hear from many daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers who have suffered for decades. They finally recognized that they could not change their mother, that she is a narcissistic personality and that the goal now is to focus your attention on the quality of your life–Start putting yourself first and pay attention to self care and your well being. This begins for many by going NC with your narcissistic mother.  Each child of a narcissistic mother does this his or her own way. For some there is a clear clean break–a reckoning has occurred, too much emotional and psychological injury has been sustained and the adult children of the narcissist now know that they will renew their lives and become whole and healed. They find other individuals whom they can trust and in a sense form a new family. This is not an easy or smooth process but it can be done.

There are some adult children that rediscover dormant creativity inside of themselves that awakens in them and blossoms. Others find comfort, connection, inspiration and peace in beginning a spiritual practice. This is defined specifically by the individual. Working with the body/mind through practices like gentle hatha yoga help us move into the restorative, quieting part of the nervous system, the parasympathetic. Acupuncture when provided by an excellent practitioner who is highly empathic can be very effective in moving the patient from the sympathetic fight or flight mode to the parasympathetic, calming nervous system.

There are so many ways that you will find to continue your course of evolving your true self. This is a lifelong process that you deserve to experience. And let’s always remember Beauty–It is with us every day. We forget about Beauty when we are suffering. The smallest moment holds Beauty when we are receptive to it: a grin, an encouraging look into our eyes, a recognition of our humanity, an idea that takes flight and grows in our minds like magic, a sweet memory that we have tucked away and is suddenly revealed, a revelation that comes out of our unconscious through a dream, a scent that takes us beyond thought into a mysterious inner world. These moments of beauty are unique to each person and universal at the same time. I want to share an experience that I have had for the last two years that speaks of pure beauty and is natural but has a miraculous quality. I planted a few milkweed plants in a small space. I made sure that they had not been sprayed with pesticides. They grew quickly. One day a few weeks later I noticed to my great surprise and wonderment, green and yellow caterpillars were devouring these plants. After total gorging as they grew larger and larger, they affixed themselves to a place on a wall or ledge and went into a dormant state that is a pupus of jade green with a horizontal band. After a while, I am not sure how long, I could see the butterfly through the pupus which had become transparent. Then one day I saw a perfectly formed gorgeous monarch, drying his wings on a wall. The greatest thrill is watching them practice their flying. They are the living jewels of the butterfly world. What a gift of astounding beauty.

 

Posted in Children of Narcissistic Mothers, Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Personality | 12 Comments

Narcissistic Siblings Cause Psychological and Financial Family Ruptures

You have known this brother or sister all of your life–at least you thought you did. This individual as far back as you can remember was demanding, self absorbed, highly competitive and didn’t care about how you felt. Yet, mom and/or dad thought this budding narcissist was just fine–even superior. (This post refers to male and female narcissistic siblings.)

You remember as you think back how intimidated you were by this sibling despite his birth order. In some families the oldest son is the Prince and King in waiting. In others it is the younger daughter who is so “adorable” and talented–always taking center stage and demanding constant attention (which she gets.) These siblings were budding narcissists and now are full fledged.

You have known the truth about them most of your life but were unable to put a name or description to the feelings of discomfort, emotional pain, betrayal, confusion, shame or inadequacy you experienced when compared with them. “Why can’t you be more organized and disciplined like James?” “Why are you always daydreaming and not getting to your chores or homework like your brother?” “Your beautiful sister is so outgoing and has tons of friends–Everyone likes her. Why can’t you be more sociable and friendly?” These comments from parents echo in your memory down the years. You have been compared to certain siblings all of your life.

No one accepted you for your true nature and priceless individuality, your creativity and spontaneity, your kindnesses and appreciation of beauty. These attributes were not prized in your family. No, it was the narcissistic traits that were rewarded–like all A’s in every class, becoming the top athlete in several sports, having the smoothest of social skills, etc., being an extrovert with driving confidence and total self entitlement.

Throughout your lives narcissistic siblings cause psychological pain and often financial ruptures within a family. They take sides to get What They Want!! You are not part of their goal equation. They want much more than their fair share of the family assets both while the parents are living and afterwards. There are constant power plays that are instigated by the narcissistic sibling. If the family has financial assets the narcissistic sibling places himself in a position to control them and eventually seize them. Sometimes they choose a sibling who will align with them in these power plays. They use the weaker brother or sister as an ally. Actually the narcissist is exploiting everyone, including this hand picked “ally.”

The classic situation is the narcissist’s plan to become indispensable to the parent who controls the financial assets. This sibling over time forms a special relationship of confidence with mother or father and makes sure that he will get the biggest piece of the family money and financial pie ultimately. Some of these cases go legal and become very ugly. Sometimes it becomes necessary follow the legal route with narcissistic siblings who demand everything and where there is a clear case that you are entitled to your fair share.

Family ruptures can occur as a result of the greed and venality of narcissistic siblings. This is a very painful complex situation. First, recognize who you are as an individual and know that despite everything you know the truth about your family and its narcissistic members.

Learn to value yourself and your talents and gifts and wonderful personal qualities. Take very good care of yourself and form alliances with friends that you trust and who are psychologically family to you. Protect yourself from the primitive projections of narcissistic brothers and sisters. Don’t let them control your emotions. Remember they are ejecting their unconscious feelings of self loathing on to you. This is a sign of their psychopathology not your inadequacy, deficits, etc. You may need to cut off contact with them since narcissists do not have psychological boundaries and lack empathy.

Take time each day to appreciate who you are. Spend moments quieting your body and mind through some form of meditation. This can be very short–a couple of minutes or less. Try to be consistent. Be unjudgmental as you go on this journey. I have found some very good guided meditations on You Tube. One is by the Honest Guys called Guided Meditation-Blissful Relaxation. It is 18 minutes long.  Listen as long or short as you wish.  The Honest Guys are British and their meditations have good production values and I find their accents to be calming and relaxing. Find what appeals to you and works for you.

Trust your intuition and the insights that come through to you during the day and the night. You will find others who share the truth with you. Sometimes we feel so alone and that no one understands us. There are a few individuals –and I think a growing group who are seeking the truth that is inside of them and from whom you will find resonance and validation.

 

 

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Healing from Narcissistic Mother Requires Perpetual Self Care

 

Narcissistic mothers are very prevalent today. Currently, we are surrounded by narcissistic personalities and the society automatically accepts and rewards them. Many are high achievers and socially smooth so that they easily fit into our image obsessed world.

Narcissistic mothers cannot love their children. Did they ask to become narcissists? No. Do they cause psychological harm to their children? Yes. The psychodynamics between the narcissistic mother and her child are very complex but clear. When we have a mother who is emotionally and psychologically unavailable, who blames us for everything we do or don’t do and who is constantly projecting her venom on to us, there is no way to be our real selves. The extreme fear and anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and rootlessness that these mothers cause to their children is monumental. These children never have had a true home where they could find solace, respite, acceptance, affection, freedom and psychological and emotional safety.

Home is a war zone–both hot and cold wars rage behind closed doors. Narcissistic mothers are highly secretive and make sure that in the outer world their beautifully constructed image is perfect. They purposely build relationships with friends and acquaintances and other family members designed to always see them in the best light–as good, kind, considerate individuals. Only a few in a family or social group are not fooled by them. Often these individuals keep quiet and don’t reveal the truth because they are very intimidated by the forcefulness of the narcissistic personality. They decide not to make waves or speak out.

Adult children of narcissistic mothers do survive but they have suffered horribly and in duration. Many find help through psychotherapy, counseling, working with the body/mind connection to learn how to calm the nervous system that has been in a state of fight or flight for most of their lives.

One crucial aspect of healing from the psychological wound of having a narcissistic mother is to finally learn that you must take very good care of yourself. You approach this practice step by step, starting with the basics. First, know that you are entitled to have some real peace in your life, that you deserve to have a few friends whom you trust and can count on.

One of the biggest lessons is learning to stop passing constant judgment on yourself. Turn away from the inner critic that was imposed on you from infancy. Practicing a form of quieting the mind is very helpful in this regard. A practice can take a number of forms: short guided meditations on cd’s or you tube that appeal to you personally can be helpful. The practice of gentle hatha yoga where you breathe through the nose and focus on each pose in the moment is a way of shifting to the parasympathetic, quieting part of the nervous system. Getting the sleep that you need and deserve activates and sustains your recovery program. Nourishing your body with foods that create strength, stamina and keep you system in balance is essential.

Getting your creative juices flowing is one of the best tonics for those who are healing from a narcissistic mother. There are so many ways that you can think of to manifest your creativity. Start to write these down automatically without thinking and you will be surprised at the great ideas that flow from you.

Remember you are entitled to this healing. It is your journey of self discovery and awakening to inner peace and beauty. This process is lifelong and worth each step. Start with this moment and watch the process build. Be proud of the lovely person who you are.

 

Posted in Children of Narcissistic Mothers, Healing From Narcissistic Mothers | 16 Comments

You Scream–Narcissist Accuses You of Losing Control

Narcissistic personalities are master manipulators and control artists. Observing them from a detached angle is like viewing a master painter make fine, perfect brush strokes across his canvass. The application is flawless and effortless.

Spouses and children of narcissists are frequently ambushed by these masters of mood. They know how to read your nonverbals and record every tonal nuance of your voice. They are particularly skilled at activating your lowest emotional depths when you are feeling the most vulnerable. They intimidate and humiliate you on your core psychological issues. If you have severe abandonment issues, they threaten to leave you. If you cry easily, they work on your tender heart and watch you tear up and flow. They provoke feelings of anger and helplessness in their spouses by accusing them of lying, being duplicitous or betraying them.

They hit you over and over again until you can’t hold it in any more and start screaming at them. You hear your voice reaching shrills and are shocked by its volume. When everything is quiet they stare at you coldly and say: “You have no self control. What the hell is the matter with you?” You shrink and feel so small that you want to disappear and never come back. On the heals of this attack they insinuate that you are “crazy”  meaning that you have something very seriously wrong with your psyche and thinking processes. They convince you over time with these tactics that it is you who are severely disturbed. Spouses of narcissists and children of narcissists speak of the role that was given to them as the crazy, the mixed up one.

It is the narcissistic personality who is disturbed and bubbling with rage of Vesuvian proportions. When he/she accuses you of losing control, he is projecting these powerful feelings on to you. After all, in his eyes you are the inferior, the weaker one. According to his enormous ego, this individual has command of your life.

Break this cycle of abuse by first recognizing and understanding the true nature of the narcissist. This personality is deeply ingrained and very unlikely to change. The narcissist with all of his self absorption is consciously unaware of his internal psychological processes. These individuals tend not to awaken from the psychological belief that they are the perfect ones and others are at their disposal for exploitation and control and use as narcissistic supplies who will adore, obey and serve them.

Once you have this understanding your perspective changes. An  essential part of this awakening is becoming self entitled to be treated with respect, empathy and caring. A program of self care must begin with the first step. This is foreign to those who are married to narcissists and children of narcissistic parents. Self care means that you get the sleep that you need, eat nourishing food that you enjoy, exercise that works for you. Spend time calming the body/mind through any number of methods: guided meditation on You Tube, cd’s, etc., practicing gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nose. Bring beauty into your life each day in the smallest forms that make a huge difference. Enjoy each moment when you are outside and observing nature–even tiny gnats, the tweets of hummingbirds, the winds in tall grasses, the dancing of tree limbs. Trust your evolving self that is growing and becoming self sufficient and more grounded each day. Healing from the narcissist is not a straight line. It occurs over a period of time that is different for each person. Be patient and loving with yourself. You deserve it.

 

 

Posted in Children of Narcissistic Mothers, Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Divorcing Your Narcissist | Tagged | 17 Comments

Healing from Narcissistic Mothers

I have a special place in my heart for daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers. When we are very young, we must survive the parents we were given–our mothers and fathers. Mother is the one we are told that we can always turn to for comfort, protection, empathy, kindness and appreciation of ourselves as unique individuals.

Narcissistic mothers are non-parents. They are incapable of emotional and psychological intimacy. They cannot attach and bond with their children appropriately. They use children as puppets to mirror them; they discard the child or scapegoat him or her. They are very cruel and dismissive and cause great pain to their children–even the youngest child.

At some point you know that your mother cannot and will not and did not fulfill your deepest needs. This is a time of reckoning where you know that you must act for yourself and learn to nourish and take care of yourself first. This is not selfish; it is essential.

This self healing begins with small steps. Make sure that you do the essentials: get the sleep that you need and deserve; food that keeps you healthy; surround yourself with individuals you trust and are present for you. If you have a spiritual practice, keep it going. If you don’t, define spiritual in the way that has meaning for you–Find peace in Nature; feel softness and respite in your solitude; listen and embrace the music you love; write spontaneously and let it flow naturally; grow small plants that you watch thrive; cook and use all of your senses to enjoy the beauties of this act; exercise in the way that works best for you.

Be patient with this process as a mother to yourself. Learn that you deserve the full freedom of being authentic, spontaneous, joyful, very funny and that you have access to all of creative gifts–They are boundless.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Posted in Children of Narcissistic Mothers, Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Personality | 3 Comments

Narcissist’s Money Lust

We all have some lust in our hearts–for gorgeous clothes, sex, delicious food, exquisite jewelry. Many narcissists are obsessed with money lust. They are thinking about how much money they have, how to get more of it, how to keep it away from others, whom to manipulate to get more, including family members to take theirs. Money is their substitution for love, warmth, affection—for being authentic and human. Having as much money as possible, even stealing it away from family members, is the narcissist’s constant goal. Thoughts about obtain more money never leave this person’s mind. Having lots of money makes them feel more entitled, superior to others, like a winner. Moneyed narcissists are always looking down on others who have not “made it.” It isn’t knowledge, wisdom, inner peace or insight they are seeking. It is knowing that they have achieved their greatest goal—being able to have whatever they desire and to attract other people whom they can easily exploit to satisfy their money lust. One of the common scenarios is for one of the siblings, male or female, to ingratiate the mother or father who is holding the wealth, to become the confidante, the favored trusted one. This is done over many years and is well plotted. Slowly and surely this sibling becomes the executor of the parent’s will, convinces the mother or father to bestow upon him/her the largest amount of the inheritance (leaving the other siblings with a minuscule portion of the total). The narcissistic money luster puts tremendous pressure on his parent if that is necessary to seal the deal for himself. He has no conscience and is just waiting for the parent to die (the sooner the better) so that he can carry away the entire estate and leave the scene to lead a life of pleasure and comfort. These greedy narcissistic siblings often abandon their own children and of course their spouses to move on to a life of elite uxury. They never look back and view the psychological and monetary destruction they have left behind. . They have gotten what they have wanted all of their lives. Despite this great victory the narcissist continues to experience the money lust deep inside his bones and is ready to pursue other unethical and often illegal financial misadventures. One of them is marrying a wealthy partner, causing them horrible stress and making this person to become psychologically dependent on them and at their mercy. The obsession to seek, obtain and control the fortunes of others never abates. It would be like trying to change the rhythm of the tides or the curvature of the earth. The narcissist never stops victimizing others, disrupting their lives, leaving them without monetary means, causing them unbearable distress and worry. Learning about the narcissistic personality provides you with the insight to recognize these money vultures quickly. You will sense their vileness, like a noxious odor in the air. You will know what they are after—your financial resources, your social connections to people of means. Study narcissistic money vultures in-depth. Identify them quickly. Show them the door immediately. If you are involved with one of them, learn to dis-entangle yourself. Pursue your creative gifts, learn to develop inner peace through calming the body and mind. Sharpen your insight and pay close attention to your intuitions. They are coming through all of the time. We need to practice receptivity to these invaluable messengers of the truth. Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Posted in Children of Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Personality, narcissistic siblings, narcissistic spouse | 11 Comments

Narcissistic Psychotherapists Cause Psychological Damage

Many people hold those who have clinical psychology credentials, professional experience and esteemed reputations in high regard. (This post refers to male and female mental health professionals). There are many fine, gifted, empathic and highly ethical psychotherapists. I am specifically talking about psychotherapists who are narcissistic personalities. The narcissistic psychotherapist (psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, psychologist, etc.) can do substantial even grave psychological and emotional harm to his clients. These individuals project their self loathing, raw rage, humiliations, feelings of worthlessness on to clients who come to them in crisis. The narcissistic psychotherapist has boundary issues and in some instances may suggest that you have a dual relationship–that you become friends and acquaintances. There are clinicians who will ask to see you outside of the office or those who make seductive, inappropriate remarks about your appearance and others who demean and humiliate you with their cruel, harsh words. Those who come to therapists are often in a state of desperation, confusion, emotional chaos, severe anxiety or deep sadness and depression. You are placing yourself in the hands of someone whom you believe and assume has done the necessary psychological inner work on themselves to know their deepest core issues. When you unwittingly choose a narcissistic therapist you will not be getting the treatment that you deserve nor will you make progress toward identifying and resolving your key issues. Rather, you will become the victim of the therapist’s psychopathology. Ironically, the client in this instance is “paying ” the psychotherapist so that he or she can treat you any way that suits them. Some of these individuals have issues with impulse control, will shift into a dark ugly mood and project hurtful unconscious contents on to you. I have spoken with many clients who have been the recipient of these hostile attacks. Some believe that this is their fault and internalize these cruelties.  Say “No” to your old voice of self criticism. Stand up for yourself and your healing. If you sense or intuit that a therapist is a narcissistic personality, show yourself out through the door of freedom. Trust your powers of observation and deep intuition. This is an essential part of your psychological and emotional healing. You will find a psychotherapist who is worthy of you, can understand and empathize with you and with whom you can form a solid healthy therapeutic alliance. Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., author of Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.

Posted in Narcissistic Personality | 4 Comments

Narcissists Feel Great–They make Others Feel Miserable

Getting too close to a narcissist, particularly if you marry one or are one of his/her children, can cause you to become ill—psychologically, emotionally or physically. It could take some time but eventually your life will be turned upside down and your stress levels will increase and your life will become more difficult. There are exceptions—those who buy in to the narcissist’s delusions and become true believers. Many of these individuals are narcissistic themselves or hangers on who are too impressed with the narcissist’s power to manipulate and overwhelm people to get what they want. They believe in trickle-down–that some of that over-confidence and extreme self entitlement will rub off on them. Those who live with the narcissist who are on the receiving end of the harshest of treatments. They survive behind the gates of a harsh ruler. They may be leading a decent lifestyle on the surface but there is no comfort, empathy, kindness or understanding from this dictator. Some narcissists buy off their marital partners so that their image is protected. I know of several narcissists who have given their wives “shut up” money after they have been exposed of infidelities. These women go along with this program because they are terrified that if they leave or are shut out they will be living in more reduced circumstances. They have gone down the road with the narcissist too long to pull away now. These spouses pay a very high price for their decision. They are not free to lead their own lives. Their thinking is constrained –they are constantly at the call of the outrageous demands of the narcissistic spouse—day and night. When they comply, it is not good enough. Even if they are very ill, this is no excuse for the narcissist. He demeans them, calls them weak and worthless. Some spouses force themselves, regardless of their emotional, psychological or physical state, to be ever-ready for the phone call, the scream, the threat that will come at any minute. They must be ready at all times to serve this tyrannical person. These ugly scenarios occur all of the time–they just aren’t public. Some women are physically hit by their narcissistic spouses time after time. The feeling of threat throughout the household is palpable at all times. This is a toxic atmosphere for raising children. Their father is a cruel patriarch who is only interested in how perfectly they produce perfect school grades, how well they perform athletically, if they have music talents or dramatic talents that can be exploited as narcissistic supplies to the father. How much is misery worth? Are you willing to exchange your peace of mind and well being and that of your children, for the lifestyle. When will the time come when you have had enough. Will it take getting physically ill to make the decision? Will it involve your child’s stress level becoming so high that he/she can no longer function at school? Are you willing to exchange your identity, inner self, peace of mind, the opportunity to express and be your true self and use all of your creative gifts for the outer trappings of the narcissistic lifestyle. What we know for sure is that these individuals do not change——ever! This is a life sentence for you and you never know when you will be discarded and/or replaced with someone else who is younger, prettier, more compliant, a better puppet. Take a long view of your life. You have much to contribute. You deserve to express your ideas, feelings and to use all of your creative gifts in freedom. Think about the lives of your children. They know that you love them and will protect them. For you, this can be the time of reckoning–changing your life, separating yourself from the narcissist to reclaim you own identity.

Posted in married to a narcissist, narcissistic abuse, Narcissistic Personality | Tagged , | 28 Comments