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Can You Say “No” to Elite Narcissist’s Seduction Offensive

From my book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life: “The high-level narcissist marches through his many geographies, conquering new territories, multiplying his limitless control of the outside world and the lives of those who touch his…The supernarcissist assesses each subject’s worth to him.  He plays upon their proclivities and weaknesses.”

Irresistible charm, charisma  external façade is flawless, impeccable, of the finest taste. There is a polished, finely finished look to the high level narcissist who spends inordinate times on his/her external image. For the high level narcissist, image is his reality.

The high level fuses with you psychologically and emotionally convincing you that you are the special chosen one they have always sought and finally found.

Sensual/sexual palpable energies  exuded by the high level narcissist. Those who are infatuated with these individuals fall under their spell and have a very difficult time, freeing themselves.

When things go wrong as a result of the narcissist’s chronic lying and deceptions, the high level cleverly devises a new, exciting detour for you to take with him or her. They keep you constantly distracted, especially those who lead glitzy lifestyles of glamour, power and riches.

You get to a point of recognizing that you as an individual have been lost to yourself, you represent and symbolize the magnificence of the high level narcissist.  You have come to a time of reckoning, a truth moment.

Can you now say “No” to the high level narcissist and regain your true authentic self. You are not an image; you are genuine. You are not obsessed with raw power and the accumulation of wealth for its own sake.

You can and will say Yes to your original self, the promise of the person you are and were meant to be. Come home to yourself, celebrate your unique creative gifts, the freedom and independence of your true nature, the promise of your original self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

 

Embrace Your Individuality

You knew that you were different from your family of origin. They insisted that you obey and conform. Many of you did because of the threat of punishments, shaming or recriminations. Despite intimidations you forged your own pathways in your mind, knew that you were unique, not part of this family, often narcissistic parents, and quietly took your own counsel.

Growing up in this family was very difficult and complex. But you forged ahead, sometimes slowly, feeling that you were in a trap and not knowing how to rescue yourself. Always you followed the light of your consciousness and paid close attention to the messages of your intuition which protected and inspired you. Sometimes there were a few individuals who understood and respected your individuality and encouraged your pursuits.

These are the qualities of the wonderful individual that you are:

Spontaneity, a unique genuine response to ourselves, others and our internal and external environments. The ability to express a variety of emotions including  joy, humor, sadness, compassion, awe.

Deep appreciation of Beauty, a source of inspiration and healing. We find beauty everywhere:  in the natural world, in the inner core of others,  in your spiritual practice (as you define), in Nature: the magic of the changing  seasons, the phases of the moon, the rhythm of the ocean’s waves, the tiniest bird’s nest, the beavers’ magnificent dams, great Art and Music that lifts you up and inspires you, inspires us, mystery and power of your spiritual practice as you define this,

Unleashing your creativity: remember who you are and are becoming.  What form does this take for you: sketching, painting, unedited writing,

Maintaining your strength and stamina: sleep, rest, eat nourishing food, movement and exercise that works for you. You are evolving; be kind with yourself!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Children of Narcissistic Parents – Living in the House of Desolation

The child of the narcissistic parent has been psychologically abandoned.  He/she lives not in a home but a “house of desolation.” This word originates from the twelfth century and essentially means devastation and hopelessness.

The baby and small child needs a deep meaningful and warm connection to the parenting figure to thrive psychologically.

Children of narcissistic parents may have their physical needs met but are starving for warmth, attention, kindness, understanding, positive attachment. Some children suffer from both physical, mental, emotional and financial deprivation.  Many were never wanted. Others were created to enhance the narcissist’s false self image and ego supplies for the narcissistic parent.

I hear from children of narcissistic parents. They have been through painful and complex ordeals. They speak of the cold cruelties of the narcissistic mother and/or father. They were exploited and abused, treated like objects, servants to their maternal and fraternal masters.

The house of desolation is not a home. It may have all of the accoutrements: the space, pleasant surroundings, comfortable ambience but beneath the material objects there is no vital core of human warmth or meaning here.  Some children are born into impoverished circumstances with narcissistic parents and suffer from many levels of narcissistic abuse and privation.

It is remarkable how these children who grew up in the houses of desolation coped and dealt with the cruel and ugly psychopathology of the narcissistic parent. Many learned how to hide in plain sight, went to Nature as an escape to Beauty, traveled to storied magical places with their imaginations, taught themselves how to paint and draw to create new visions of reality, sought spiritual avenues of meaning and solace, learned that movement and exercise through sports and dance built their stamina and deep inner strength.

Prominent British writer Rudyard Kipling was abandoned at the age of six along with his three year old sister Trix by his parents. Mother and father without the slightest announcement after leaving India on a trip to London left their young children with strangers whom  they contacted through a newspaper article. The caretaker was a cruel, cold abusive woman and her disturbed son. For six long years they were left at the mercy of these pathological individuals.  The parents returned unexpectedly and gave no explanation for their abandonment, absence or return.  Kipling’s mother had relatives in London but chose to put her children in psychological distress with unvetted disturbed strangers. Kipling suffered deeply from this abandonment and betrayal. He used his incredible creativity through writing to survive this horrendous extended traumatic experience of parental abandonment, particularly by his mother.

Are you the child of a narcissistic parent who grew up in A House of Desolation. I give you tremendous credit for your authenticity, integrity, stamina, grit and creativity.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

 

 

Narcissistic Spouse Weakens Your Immune System

Stress is one of the major factors in becoming physically ill. When a person is highly stressed their cortisol levels rise and their immune system can become compromised. Narcissistic spouses are stress machines. They scream, lie, manipulate, demean, humiliate and play every trick they have to maintain control over you and your life. It is remarkable to me and very sad that so many spouses are living under these extreme burden of psychological and emotional duress for years, even decades. I hear from women and men who feel trapped by their sharing their lives with narcissistic partners. Many of them keep thinking that this person who has a severe personality disorder is going to change—-eventually. That day will never come. In the meantime, the non-narcissistic spouse is being harmed on every level by these highly pathological individuals. The non-narcissistic spouse tries everything to make the marriage work, including couples therapy. Couples therapy in general does not work with narcissists. They may appear to cooperate to pacify their partner but they are being disingenuous. The narcissist may want to stay married and still play the field because he/she doesn’t want to split up the assets at this time.

You can turn yourself inside out, make yourself over, heed the narcissist’s demands and it will never be enough. The narcissist is a highly deluded person. It doesn’t matter if he is the most successful person you have met or has a close following of admirers, he is a selfish, venal, cruel and non-compassionate person.

It is time to turn to your own welfare: your physical health, emotional and psychological well being. We are in charge of our health. Even many doctors these days who go by the new book of throwing prescriptions at patients rather than going to the cause of symptoms can’t be trusted. One of the lessons of life is that we must take charge of ourselves on every level. We cannot expect even the best spouse to do it for us. We can research, consult with those who are very knowledgeable but ultimately it is up to us to make the right decisions for ourselves.

Being married to a narcissist and allowing the venom that he ejects to become embedded in you will raise your stress levels exponentially. You deserve to be healthy and strong. And part of this wellness is the strength of your immune system to fight off illness. I have been in communication with many spouses who have become physically ill as a result of overwhelming stress that they internalized that compromised their immune systems.

First and foremost—Think about yourself first–the narcissist should be very low on your list or not there at all. He has tried everything to make your life a living hell. You don’t need to take this anymore. Have a plan of action to keep yourself healthy. Learn to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. In many cases you make the decision to sever the relationship. Narcissists don’t have relationships; they are incapable of psychological or emotional intimacy.

Take heart as you walk away from the narcissistic delusion. You have insight into your inner self and all of your creative gifts and energies. You are entitled to live without the constant stress that is emblematic of life with the narcissist. You have come to a fork in the road. Choose the pathway that works for you. You will find the right direction based on your research, thinking and your deep intuition.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Predatory Narcissists – Series of Insidious Betrayals

I am re-visiting the experience of betrayal in relationships with narcissistic personalities. This is a common occurrence when we are involved with them as parents, in marriages and partnerships, personal and professional relationships.

Betrayal has an ancient history, harking back to the dawn of mankind.

Betrayal is described as “an act of deliberate disloyalty” It comes from the Middle English word bitrayen which means to deceive, resulting in a breaking of trust.

Insidious comes from the Latin word insidiae which means ambush.

Betrayal is a deep violation of trust. Betraying someone is an act of contemptuous disrespect.

We feel a sharp sting when we discover that someone we have trusted completely has covertly turned against us. These dark acts are perpetrated by those close to our psychological and emotional core.

Remember the narcissistic personality does not have a developed conscience.  Their conscience means not getting caught.

Predatory narcissists are gifted at choosing their victims. They pick individuals who are vulnerable, dependent, compassionate and empathetic.

If you are married to a narcissist there is a chance that you will be betrayed. Some narcissists lead compartmentalized lives. exquisitely playing a variety of roles, wearing convincing false self masks. They are duplicitous in their relationships. They chronically lie to their spouses about their acting out behaviors. Narcissists enter into relationships that their partners believe are close and filled with trust and integrity.

You spend decades with a narcissist, give your love, loyalty and devotion to them and they will betray you.

The predatory narcissist does not deserve you. Don’t let them get the upper hand over your heart, mind and spirit.

Many individuals awaken and recognize the true nature of the predatory narcissist. You discover that your research, intuition and core sense of self will help you to recover and thrive in the aftermath of the predatory narcissist.

You deserve to be victorious as you work through the psychological and emotional pain of this series of betrayals.

Practice self care every day – Sleep and rest, move and exercise, eat nourishing food, hydrate well, unleash your unique creativity. Give yourself tremendous credit for your perseverance, insights, strong sense of self, deep integrity.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – Seven Restorative Healing Practices

Daughters of narcissistic mothers are a unique courageous group of individuals. It is remarkable to me that they have survived the abuses and deprivations growing up as the daughter of a narcissistic non-mother. They have experienced psychological and emotional pain on the severest levels. These daughters speak of their mother despising them from the beginning. With her gazes, gestures and words it is clear that they were not truly loved.

Narcissistic pseudo mothers have hearts of stone. They are emotionally unreachable, inert, hollow,empty.

Daughters have no way of forming a genuine psychological attachment to the narcissistic mother. She is unavailable to them. There is no warmth, no refuge, no comfort or safety.  There are no hugs and embraces for this little daughter. She tries innumerable times to get mom to give her even the slightest sign that there is a connection between the two of them.

Rather, narcissistic mother has a built in enmity for her daughter. She is jealous of her, competitive even with the small child. She finds her daughter to be unacceptable even alien to her.

Contrary to this style is the narcissistic mother who creates a living ego supply out of her daughter, a Mini Me reflection of mother’s perfection, like the goose who laid the golden egg.

Mother psychologically fuses with golden daughter, coaching her to become her flawless replica.

The narcissistic mother adores her creation but is incapable of loving her daughter as a separate individual. The daughter exists to enhance mother’s image and to keep her ego fully inflated.

I find that these daughters are of fine character: clear thinking, responsible, compassionate, empathic, with a well-developed conscience.

You deserve to recover and heal completely from the narcissistic mother abuse.

Here are Seven Practices that will help you to recover and thrive as you move forward along your unique pathway of the authentic self:

  1. Sleep/Rest: As the daughter of a narcissistic mother you couldn’t rest or sleep well. Maybe you felt you didn’t deserve to feel at ease and quiet inside, to trust that you could let down and be safe and comfortable. Give yourself permission to have this essential downtime. Sleep and rest are essential to your physical and psychological health. We were meant to sleep and rest well. Embrace these essential activities.  When we sleep a natural restorative healing process takes place inside of the body/mind. You are naturally transported to the parasympathetic nervous system, a quieting, calming state of essential healing.
  2. .Movement/Exercise/Nutrition: We were designed to move, to exercise and to eat well. This is different for each person. Do the movements and exercise that are natural to you. Don’t compare yourself with anyone else. Respect your limitations and make no judgments. Learn about eating nutritious food. This is your essential body/mind fuel that provides you with energy, strength and stamina. Do your own research and discover how you can maintain wellness through these activities.
  3. Appreciating Your Solitude: Growing up the daughter of a narcissistic mother you felt like you were being watched and judged. You could not let down and simply be yourself. Even when you went off alone, thoughts about how your mother was reacting to you were on your mind. Now that you are free of this non-relationship you can openly explore your relationship with yourself, being in your own presence, in solitude. It is in solitude that we get to know ourselves: our feelings, thoughts, the seeds and flowering of creativity. There develops a self acceptance as you practice solitude. Creativity occurs in solitude as we commune with ourselves. The imagination soars and we are lifted beyond our personal histories. We leave them behind in solitude and create new meanings that align with the authentic self.
  4. Connection with Nature: Nature is a source of beauty, awe, inspiration, restoration. Nature renews our sense of being present and our appreciation of its majesty and mystery. The beauty of Nature calms the body/mind and brings forth metaphors and visions that awakens your creativity.
  5. Develop Your Intuitive Gifts: Intuition is a gift of insight and wisdom that speaks the truth. We are born with the capacity for intuition. Learn to nurture the powers of this kind of knowing. When you ego is dropped and you are receptive, intuitive messages will come through to you. Stay attuned to your intuition. It is a gift of knowing that is always with you.
  6. Creating a Circle of Trust – There are a few people whom we can trust. They are hard to find but continue your search. It is well worth it.
  7. Unleashing your creativity: You have waited so many years to feel the full force of your creativity. Choose a medium of creative expression that you have used in the past or that interests you: drawing, painting, collage, unedited writing, fiction and nonfiction writing, photography.

You have the reins in your capable hands.  Make the decisions that speak to your heart, soul and mind. Give yourself great credit for what you have accomplished, the greatest boon of all: the fulfillment of your authentic self, a person of deep integrity.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Brazen, Boorish, Blaming Narcissistic Spouse

Married to a narcissistic personality you are constantly questioning the truth of your perceptions. The narcissist is clever and cunning at putting you on the defensive with intricate games of blame and intimidation.

The narcissist, a master manipulator, takes control of your relationship with him/her. This person is always “playing you.”  Although the narcissist is incapable of deep insights, he is keen in “reading” his partners – knowing about their wants, needs and desires. This is especially the case in the opening moves of the relationship. High level narcissists in particular engage in a game of romance. They “enchant” you with their hypnotic charm. It’s as if they are reading your mind.

You feel compelled to escape inside of the dream of being wanted, understood and valued. This is how the narcissist makes you feel during the early phases. Their power over the partner is particularly pronounced if they have chosen someone who has suffered from parental deprivation and abuse, treated as a child with neglect and coldness, feeling unwanted.

Coming across a prospective partner who is fascinated with you is irresistible. You feel pulled into the narcissist’s orbit. You have longed to have someone who focused their attention on to you in this magical way.  The high level narcissist is “gifted” at the psychological and emotional seduction.

Time passes and the mask of the narcissistic partner slips; you are on the receiving end of the narcissist’s true self: brazen, boorish, blaming.

The narcissistic personality affects a brazen manner – an attitude of extreme shameless self-entitlement.  The narcissist pulls the I’m superior act with you.

Another character trait appears: boorishness, a rude coarse quality and insensitivity to you as an individual.

The narcissist habitually shifts blame on to you when he is at fault and has caused you emotional pain.  Narcissists never take responsibility for their multiple cruelties. They are incapable of empathy or a developed conscience.

Sharing your days with a narcissistic partner you are continually in a state of siege, the fight or flight mode. Here there is no respite, inner peace or refuge. You feel your essential physical and psychological energies ebbing. Your creativity slows and you notice that you are always struggling just to feel some comfort, respite, solitude, a place to put yourself: body, mind, heart, soul.

You are studying the true nature of the narcissistic personality. The puzzle pieces are coalescing. You have reached a point of clear insight; your priorities are shifting to where they belong: the care and evolution of your authentic self, the renewal of honoring yourself as a valuable unique individual.

 

High Level Narcissists Believe They Are Godlike: Omnipotent, Omniscient

Narcissists have been accused of having the “god complex”, firmly believing that they are omnipotent – all powerful. Ironically in today’s barbarous culture of perverse self-entitlement, on the surface, for some, this appears to be the case. The high level narcissist has no limitations placed on him or her. Feted within their golden circles of influence and privilege, it can appear that these individuals can have whatever they want.
Deep inside in the unconscious the narcissist experiences a hollow, bleak, psychological emptiness, an arid wasteland of nothingness and meaninglessness. In brief moments the narcissist’s mask slips and he becomes consciously aware of this state. He uses powerful defense mechanisms of projection and denial to protect him from painful and disruptive feelings.

The narcissistic personality constellation is a defense against feelings of shame. Since the narcissist does not develop a conscience he or she is impervious to feelings of guilt.

With neither guilt nor shame “impeding” him, the narcissist moves adroitly along the pathways of his blind ambition. He lies constantly, betrays those who love him, steals their creative ideas and projects without a blink of conscience or regret, exploits those who are emotionally weaker as a means of controlling and forcing them to bend to his will.

The high level narcissist will wipe you out financially without a scintilla of concern about your psychological welfare. You are simply a steppingstone to his goals of ultimate power and control.

I hear from individuals who have partnered or married high level narcissits or children of narcissistic parents. Their stories are gut-wrenching.

Awakening to the true reality of the narcissistic personality you will separate out of these non-relationships, put yourself first and move forward along your own pathways.

Make full use of your gifts of creativity, resilience, insight, intuition and compassion.

Each day you are evolving. Start with the basics: sleep, rest, nourishing food, movement/exercise, Nature, Beauty, meditation your way.

Notes to Unique, Precious Empaths

You are the child who was never understood. You are a highly sensitive individual who perceives inner and outer reality on the most minute levels.
You remember from childhood often feeling overwhelmed. Loud noises and crowds were very distressing. While other family members were excited by social events, you had a very difficult time being in groups. You found many of the children to be aggressive and loud. Even attending a children’s birthday party was unsettling. The noise of groups was difficult for you from the beginning.

Some empaths as children find meaning and comfort in solitude, in their own company. They spend hours reading books, walking in Nature, writing in a journal, sketching and drawing. With a vivid imagination the child empath travels everywhere in his mind.

At night you were afraid of the dark and needed a night light on even as you grew older.
As a very small child you picked up the psychological and emotions and vibrations of others. You read their unconscious and knew what was hidden behind the mask of the face
Growing up in a narcissistic family is particularly difficult for the empath. The narcissistic mother or father imposed his will and chose roles for each child. There is the golden one who has been selected to mirror and represent the family image.
From the beginning you didn’t fit into your narcissistic family. You were so different from the other members. It was like you came from another world and wondered how you ended up with this group of people who shared your DNA. You never felt at home with the narcissistic family members.

As you moved into adulthood you began to appreciate your differentness. You appreciated your deep intuitions, inspirations and creativity.
Empaths never fit in to the society at large. This is particularly true currently. There are so many narcissistic personalities who are thriving in our aggressive culture. Without conscience the narcissist treats the empath with disrespect, viewing them as weak and fragile.

You come to a time of awakening, a deep appreciation of your true nature. You no longer care about being accepted by the society at large and its circles of influence.
You cannot compromise the pure gold of your authentic self. You find individuals who appreciate you true nature and whom you can trust. There are just a few but this is sufficient.

Your creative gifts expand and deepen. You find yourself creating whole worlds out of your imagination and intuition. You dispense with the notion that you need others to understand you. You are different and precious —the pearl of great price, the true authentic self. Embrace your individuality, deep compassion, intuition and fine perceptions.
Be kind and protective of yourself with: good sleep, rest, movement/exercise, spending time in Nature, nourishment, lovely music, following the unique pathway of your creativity in all of its forms.

Narcissists Deceive and Discard Their Spouses

Narcissists are solo acts. They are incapable of forming genuine relationships, especially with their spouses. Narcissists are duplicitous. They have many secret agendas. They skillfully compartmentalize and keep their secrets. They are loyal to no one except themselves.

Married to a narcissist, you are constantly on the receiving end of their vituperative, vile projections.

After the marriage turns stale, the narcissist grows more restless. They are disgusted with spouses who are ill or have chronic physical, emotional or psychological problems. This cramps their style and doesn’t suit their high flying energy. Besides, it’s dreadful for their grandiose image. This is all that matters to them.

Narcissists abandon their spouses, leaving them without psychological or financial support. They never look back at the horrendous pain and distress they have caused. So full of themselves they adroitly shift to a new stage set with a fresh partner. These cruel scenarios are repeated by narcissists with impunity in our current, coarse, self absorbed culture.

You can recover and restore your authentic sense of self and move forward along your pathways of deep inner peace, psychological grounding and creative gifts. Remember to put yourself first. Get the rest and sleep that you need, nourishing food, exercise your way and call on your creative gifts – unedited writing, spend time with Nature. You can and will recover and evolve as a true authentic self. Click below to purchase a copy of my current book on Amazon that is filled with specific self care practices: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist. https://tinyurl.com/y39j2uke