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Psychopaths – Irresistible and Dangerous

We are surrounded by psychopaths in our current society.   There is a deep core of integrity that is missing in these individuals. Those who grow up like mutant psychological weeds never develop a conscience.

They emerge from the full range of socioeconomic classes. Some are golden children of narcissistic parents who from the beginning of their lives are allowed and even encouraged to give in to all of their primal instincts. In these families, siblings of the blooming psychopathic golden child are treated with the harshest, basest cruelties.  Parents of these “privileged golden children” simply look the other way, immune to the treacheries of their psychological and emotional crimes.  

Psychopaths have no limits. They live in a delusional headiness, lotus-eaters, greedy to the max, voracious takers who leave overwhelming pain in their path.  

Society today gives these individuals a huge pass if they are exceedingly successful in the world with money and power in particular. 

Psychopaths are often very attractive with high energy. Early on they use these inherited gifts to magnetize individuals to them. In particular they are gifted at the art of seduction and of getting you to return to them as a result of their convincing persuasions and empty promises.

Many of you have been caught in the psychopathic web of lies, deceits, manipulations and cruelties.  The psychological, emotional and financial damage that they continue to do and have done cannot be understated. 

Insulate yourself from the psychopaths that populate our current society. First, learn how to recognize them quickly and to say “No” to them in the opening phases. You deserve to find individuals who have a fine character and well developed conscience and moral compass. With them you continue to evolve, are free to express your true self, to grow creatively and spiritually. 

Each day, follow your plan of evolution by getting the sleep and rest that you need and deserve, the nourishing food that keeps you healthy and vital, the expression of your many creative gifts, your enjoyment of Nature and the experience of individuals who are worthy of your trust. 

Are You Married to a Jekyll Hyde Covert Narcissist?

The Covert Narcissist has become one of the most prominent corrosive individuals of our current society.  Wearing clever masks of disguise, the covert narcissist fools almost everyone.  The covert conceals his true self, often appearing to be humble and self effacing.

An extreme example of the covert narcissist is the Jekyll Hyde manifestation. In the story by Robert Lewis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll is experimenting with a potion that transforms him into a dark monstrous figure called Mr. Hyde.  Mr. Hyde is vile, enraged, out of control and conscienceless.

Some individuals are married to a Jekyll Hyde version of the covert narcissist. In public this person effects a very convincing Dr. Jekyll – quiet charm, congenial, friendly, helpful, trustworthy, honest. This is the public face of the covert narcissist. Behind closed doors in the privacy of the family home, Mr. Hyde appears in full. With constant ugly primitive projections of volcanic rage, humiliations, withering criticisms, the covert narcissist creates a horrendous, nightmarish environment for his spouse.

The partner or spouse of the covert narcissist survives in a state of constant psychological and emotional siege. Each moment this individual is at the mercy of the flight or fight mode – hyper -vigilant, sleepless, weary and wary. For them there is no rest or letting down. Being married to a covert Jekyll Hyde narcissist is exceedingly stressful.

When you are married to a Jekyll Hyde covert narcissist you are always on the defensive, wondering who will appear in the next moment: the calm, bright, affable Dr. Jekyll or the grotesque, vile, raging ogre – Mr. Hyde.

There is an accumulation of chronic stress, exhaustion and extreme duress that leads you to a point of decision to divorce the covert narcissist – to free yourself from this daily psychological and emotional oppression.

By making this decision you are putting yourself first, moving forward to individuate from this pathological non-marriage.  Divorcing a covert narcissist is not easy. It is a long tough journey. However, there are many individuals who have successfully freed themselves from these non-marriages.

You are up to the task of moving forward as a unique, persevering, strong, resilient individual to claim your independence from this form of cruelty and oppression.

As you move forward in this process of individuation you are freed to enjoy the full use of all of your creative gifts. You are striding along the pathways of the true, authentic original self.

 

Leave the Covert Narcissist Behind – Return to Your True Original Self

I hear frequent life stories about repeated, painful relationships with covert narcissistic spouses and boyfriends and girlfriends. This post refers to male and female covert narcissists. I am finding more and more often individuals are marrying and discovering once again that they are involved with one of these highly manipulative, controlling, cruel individuals.

After evaluating all of the pain and anguish they have been through, they ask why and how they keep repeating these unhealthy patterns.

I tell those who write to me, read my books and my clients to stop blaming themselves. This is not the way to heal. Recovering from the covert narcissist begins with being kind and compassionate with yourself.

Learning to work with the true self inside of you and to cherish and nurture yourself on every level is the beginning of stopping this repeated pattern of choosing covert narcissists as partners who are not worthy of you.

Put the emphasis on yourself for the first time. You are not required to people please – that was something you felt obligated to do when you were growing up. Maybe your parents expected this of you.  Now you are holding the reins in your capable hands and can make decisions that are in the highest interests of your psychological, creative and spiritual growth.

An essential part of your practice is to make sure that you get the sleep that you need each night. Rest when you can during the day even if it is for a short time.  I have found that there are some well produced guided meditations on the internet. I like a group called The Honest Guys. They are from England and have a variety of recordings.  You will find what works best for you. Also, lovely music is restorative and inspiring. It puts us into the calming part of the nervous system, the parasympathetic. Writing spontaneously is a creative way of expressing your feelings, thoughts, reveries, inspirations. Eating nourishing food and keeping your blood sugar balanced is a significant way to maintain your physical and mental health. Along the way, learn to treasure the truth that arises from paying close attention to your intuition. It is always telling us the truth about ourselves and others.

You have come along way on your journey to the evolution of the true, original self. As you move forward, always know that you are a precious individual and that your voice, words, thoughts and feelings have great meaning and value.

 

 

Thank You

I appreciate the participation of everyone who reads this blog. I will continue to write about every facet of the Narcissistic Personality, Narcissistic Abuse, the Covert Narcissist, Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents, Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist.

I am in the process of writing another book on the Narcissistic Personality.  Due to the time needed to research, write, edit and have this book published, I am temporarily closing the Comments feature on this blog.

I appreciate your understanding while I do this work.

I have learned so much from all of you who read this blog and those who have shared their issues with me and everyone else who comes to this site.

I deeply appreciate your sharing personal stories here that help others to work through the complex and difficult psychological and emotional issues involved with those who deal with Narcissistic Personalities.

Thank you so much for your insightful contributions!

 

The Life of An Empath

From birth Empaths have strong, deep reactions to their internal and external environments. Their feelings for others run very deep. They are capable of perceiving another human being, using cues that originate from their keen gifts of perception. They know when someone is psychologically, physically and emotionally dangerous when others are perfectly at ease with this individual. Empaths are highly tuned to their external environments and hear the slightest noises, smell acutely and see colors vividly. They can be disoriented easily in loud public venues where their senses are put on high alert. Empaths have a very difficult time blocking stimuli that is coming into their nervous systems and senses and are easily overwhelmed. They are capable of knowing instantaneously the unconscious intentions of another person whom they have just met. Of course when empaths share their intuitive knowledge with others, they are not believed and considered to be very strange or deluded.
The life of an empath is different from everyone else. It requires that this individual acknowledge that they must live differently – more quietly, calmly, with solitude, regular rest, quality sleep and the support of those who respect their unique qualities.
Discovering and using your creative gifts and immersing yourself in Nature are two of the most powerful ways the empath can evolve and heal. With deep caring for yourself and without judgment, explore the areas of creative endeavors that fascinate you – writing, painting, sewing, designing, cooking sketching, speaking, singing, creative movement. See what appeals to you and follow it. Nature is always there waiting to heal us whenever we immerse ourselves in her presence. A breeze, a tiny turning leaf, a spider spinning his web, birds chirping to one another, a butterfly that crosses our path – these daily experiences are here to meet our receptivity. In the photo is one of my favorites of Nature’s treasury: the delicate, undaunted, powerful, magnificent Hummingbird.

Oops! Your Covert Narcissism Is Showing

Individuals who are adult children of narcissistic parents, spouses of narcissists, ex-spouses and siblings of narcissistic personalities are often victimized for long periods of time before they recognize that they are not to blame for the the psychological and emotional pain perpetrated by them. (This blog post refers to male and female narcissists).

So often we wave off the intuitive truth about the intrinsic nature of the covert narcissist who is making our lives a moment to moment excruciating experience. Over and over again we are mired in the mud of deceit, manipulation, exploitation, endless lying, psychological ambushes of every length and degree of agony.

All along the covert narcissist expands the velocity and depth of his psychological assaults on his victims. These individuals become mired in anxiety, fear and guilt. They are slowly worn down and exhausted. As they become more emotionally fragile, they are likely to bow to the steel willed, merciless, ruthless machinations of the covert narcissist.

Eventually, you become clearly receptive to incredible moments of repeated insights along with reading in depth about the true nature of the covert narcissist.  During this time, victims of these cruelties finally say to themselves – “Oops, your covert narcissism is showing!” This is the moment of truth that comes through your consciousness to rescue you from years of repetitive psychological, emotional and financial abuse.

Hold on to the golden cord of your intuitive insights, the diligence of your research and your courageous, strong, fine character.

This is the time of reckoning. Your life is turning around and now you have the opportunity to move on the road to your psychological, emotional and spiritual evolution.

Give yourself tremendous credit for the life experiences you have endured and survived. You deserve every great kudo! Take very good care of yourself each day. Get the best sleep, hydrate, balance great nutrition with exercise that works for you. Align yourself with individuals of character who care about you. Rest when you need it, listen to lovely music and always laugh at each magic opportunity. You are terrific!

 

Secret Treacheries of Covert Narcissistic Siblings

Treachery is a mortal betrayal of trust, especially among family members. Covert narcissists are sly, smooth and sneaky–very difficult to detect.

When the Covert Narcissist is your sibling, you are destined to have a painful and tumultuous relationship with him/her. (This post refers to male and female covert narcissists). This is particularly galling if the sibling is the golden child of the family, the chosen one who can do no wrong, always wins and wears the family crown from birth. Mother and father never corrected their “darling” since he was viewed and treated as perfect–someone for you to emulate.

The life stories I hear from children who have had covert narcissistic siblings are horrific. From the beginning the scapegoated child was at the mercy of the covert sibling who taunted, tricked, terrified and threatened his victim. There are scenes of a small child being locked in a closet for hours while parents were away or oblivious. Getting pinched, scratched, smacked, dragged was the order of the day in some households. Of course the perpetrator was never caught and if it was obvious that the golden monster was guilty, the parent covered it up and in some instances blamed the victimized child for simply being present.

As the covert narcissistic sibling reaches adulthood, the psychopathology remains unchanged and the victimization of the sibling continues in a cruel, cunning form. Narcissists are often obsessed with money–It is their god, their compass, their identity.  They are convinced that any assets belonging to the parents belong to them alone. They spend years plotting how they will pilfer every cent belonging to the parents, leaving the other siblings without a penny.  I have witnessed this behavior often; it is ugly and dark. The covert narcissist through a series of cunning manuevers gains control of the family estate. Over time, using pseudo charm and empathy with just the right vintage of pressure and intimidation, convinces the parents that he is the only family member who can be trusted with financial matters. By the time that the other siblings discover that they have been divested of their inheritance, it is too late.

Narcissistic siblings stop at nothing to snatch the gold, the cash, the property, the jewelry, stocks, trusts, etc. Nothing slows them down. They are giddy grabbing the loot. They are devoid of shame, conscience or mercy. In the aftermath the sibling(s) on the losing end is shocked, exhausted and depleted. In some cases these individuals develop health problems as a result of the severe chronic stress of coping with the emotional, psychological and financial treacheries of the covert sibling.

Knowing now that your sibling has a severe personality disturbance is the beginning of unraveling, healing and reconstituting yourself. The first step is to appreciate that young child who survived despite the painful treacherous years and the innumerable ordeals and traumas that you experienced.

Recognize the strength and courage of your true self and know now that you will continue to heal, grow and evolve. Put yourself first and take time each day to move into the calming part of the nervous system where you feel deep inner peace. Get the nourishment, sleep, downtime, creative time, fun time that you need and deserve.

Breaking the Pattern of Marrying Covert Narcissists

I have communicated with many clients and readers and people whom I meet who tell me that they keep marrying, divorcing and then marrying another covert narcissist. How could they have known that they would repeat this hurtful psychological pattern. They should not blame themselves. It is extremely difficult to recognize a covert narcissist, especially if he is at the top of his game. (This post refers to male and female narcissists). By this I mean that the Covert has been practicing his superb part since he was very young. Whether he was the golden child, the forgotten one or even the scapegoat–this individual has identified as a false self most of his life. The covert narcissist learned early to camouflage his true feelings and thoughts. Even more so, as a golden child he was from birth, regal. Everything is handed to the child of pure gold. He or she can never do wrong. These kids are perfect even when they bully their siblings, treat playmates cruelly and make unseemly demands on everyone in their lives.

You as the current or former spouse of a covert narcissist feel confused and dismayed that you continue to be attracted to and then marry covert narcissists. This is a current familiar theme that runs through many of my conversations with those who have repeated this pattern in their relationships. First, give yourself credit for recognizing this pattern of behavior. Know that you will be able to spot the Covert next time and not become involved with him as a partner of any kind, even a friend. Narcissists are incapable of any kind of emotional and psychological empathy. I find that many of those who are attracted to and then marry covert narcissists are highly empathic individuals. What a mismatch! For the narcissist this makes great sense; he can have anything he wants from you and give nothing in return. The covert narcissist makes incessant demands, demeans you, tears you down when you are at your lowest ebb.

After going through painful ordeals throughout a number of years, many of those chronically victimized in their marriages recognize that they must separate and divorce the covert narcissist.  After the divorce is final and you have moved forward with your life, you will be grateful that you made this decision. As you renew yourself you will never look back.  Finally, you have learned to value your unique individuality and your many gifts.

Continue to grow as an individual and learn to appreciate your authenticity and uniqueness. Spend as much time as you can in the recovery, healing, transformative part of the nervous system. Here you will feel deep inner peace, security and optimism. Embrace the flowering of your unbounded creative gifts and energies.

 

 

Covert Narcissists Re-Traumatize Their Victims

The covert narcissist is a dark genius at re-victimizing his/her human targets.  Whether you are married to or divorcing a covert narcissist, you feel riddled with terror and dread most of the time. You are stuck in the fight or flight, sympathetic nervous system zone and feel neither safety nor comfort.

I have spoken and communicated with many individuals who are suffering horribly – emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually as a result of the accumulation of stress and distress over years of being the object of vile, pernicious projections by the Covert. (This post refers to male and female covert narcissists.)  The pain is deepened by the fact that the covert is gifted at concealing his multiple cruelties, manipulations and deceptions.  Lies roll off of his tongue automatically and everyone believes  him.  You are always left holding the bag. Even your own family may not believe that you know and are telling the truth about this covert viper.

After listening carefully to your intuition and doing your research, have faith in yourself to take action to remove yourself from the hellish life that you are leading.  You are in a no win, non-relationship. The covert narcissist cannot and will not change.  It is your call to press the reset button and begin to make your plans in secret to leave this individual. Be careful about the people with whom you share this information. You will find a few individuals (even one is good) whom you can trust and who will support you.

Take time to appreciate who you are as an individual, a wonderful human being who deserves to lead a life in inner peace, freedom and emotional and psychological security.

Take time to do your form of prayer and meditation, listening to healing music, doing spontaneous writing, exercise in the way that works for you, getting the sleep that you deserve and taking rests when you need them.  This is very important because you must  fill up your reserves so that you will move through this period of your life to a new tempo, one that is calmer, kinder, beautiful and loving.

I know so many wonderful individuals who have taken this journey to freedom and dynamic peace. Climb aboard – We are waiting for you to ride with us.

Covert Narcissists: Scheme Your Downfall in Secret

Covert narcissists are incapable of forming and maintaining genuine relationships.  So often I speak with clients who have unwittingly married a covert narcissist. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.)

There is no way the innocent party could have known that this individual is a narcissist.  In the case of the Covert it is exceedingly difficult to discern the true nature of this wolf in sheep’s clothing.

The covert narcissist is masterfully clever at concealing his malicious, dark, cruel traits.  The Covert is an expert at presenting himself as charming, giving, kind, genuine, empathic and psychologically grounded.  The charm offensive of the Covert is acted out with perfection: a Broadway level performance.

The Covert is above all, Secretive.  These individuals lead several lives at one time.  You have been chosen by them to provide the maximum in narcissistic supplies. You offer an excellent external image. You come from a fine family, are well educated, physically attractive, are socially adept, professionally successful– and the long list goes on and on. You are the perfect “catch” for this person who has calculated your value to him from the beginning.

Soon after the marriage, trouble begins with the narcissist’s drumbeat demands, devaluing, demeaning manner. He picks away at your “faults.” These are manufactured by the narcissist to weaken your sense of self, to lower your self respect, feelings of optimism.

The Covert narcissist knows who you are and exactly how he will tear down your psychological and emotional reserves.  He must extract the maximum amount of narcissistic supplies out of you before he discards and replaces you with someone else.

All the while the covert narcissist is plotting and scheming to control, manipulate and eventually bring you down emotionally, financially, psychologically and physically.  Some of those who are married to Coverts develop chronic illnesses as a result of the accumulated stress, fear, depression and trauma that they have internalized over many years.  At these times that the covert narcissists doesn’t want to deal with you anymore.  When you are at your lowest ebb, he is tap dancing with high energy and a complete lack of care or concern for your well being.

After the narcissist has taken everything from you and more, you are left alone, discarded, disheartened and in some cases, physically ill.

The covert is so secretive and clever that the victim remains unaware of what has happened to them.  Some of those who contact me even say that it was all their fault. Never blame yourself for marrying a covert narcissist.

Know that you can heal from this dreadful series of ordeals, that you will recover fully: emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually.

Begin by putting yourself first. Start getting the sleep you need and deserve.  Eat in a balanced way that works with your biochemistry.  Exercise in the way that works best for you. As you recover, always remember to pay close attention to your intuition–it is the voice of the absolute truth.  Some healing modalities are acupuncture which balance the body, mind and spirit, restorative yoga, gentle walking, being in Nature, finding people who respect you as an individual and whom you trust.  Take time each day to put yourself in the calming part of the nervous system through some form of meditation, prayer, affirmations, etc.  You decide what opens the doors to being calmer, more comfortable and gentler inside of yourself.

You are entitled to heal fully and to use your many creative gifts.  You have turned on to a new pathway: one of hope, health, beauty and a source of continued evolution and transformation.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.