Martyred Married Narcissists–Spinning Tales of Woe That You Caused

Some spouses become alarmed when their narcissistic partner of many years suddenly appears docile and weak. He moans and mopes around you, making noises that you haven’t heard before. You start to feel sorry for him—but you have done your homework and pull back. “Wait a minute, this is a new act he is trotting out and I’m not buying it.”

The martyred narcissist tells everyone in reach how you have made his/her life, hell on earth. You have pressured him, caused him emotional distress with your unrelenting demands. You talk behind his back and tell lies about his fine character. You are cruel to his (narcissistic) mother who adores him. These mutterings  are bald lies. Turn all of this around and you know this is exactly what he has done to you. He is spinning tales faster than the leaders on the final round of the Tour De France.

Despite all of the drama you are going to win. You are well prepared and ready to end this horrid excuse for a marriage. With all of your documentation, an excellent attorney, the company of trusted support, you are ready to sever this non-relationship. You imagine sweet freedom each day as you move toward your goal. No one can ever fool you again. Be proud of yourself. It’s time to shine the light of your creative gifts, to feel your sails billowing as you move forward with ease and inner peace.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Lifewill be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013

Narcissists—Can’t Stop Talking About Their Superiority

A short time ago I was strongly reminded of the narcissist’s persistent adoration of self. This occurred after a meeting I attended. The narcissist of the moment came over to a small group of us and started talking about himself in grandiose terms and gestures, giddily swirling with his greatness. I had a strong urge to leave since I could feel the deluge coming but said to myself:  “I want to see how far this fellow will go. Will he ever stop talking about how superior and wonderful he is.” I and the clutch of those within his range were “treated” to an “I adore myself” soliloquy without periods, colons, semicolons or even a tiny comma. This was like a manic sales pitch with him and his innumerable accomplishments as the product. This grandiose classic narcissist presented a detailed professional history with extravagant hand gestures and body postures. He was mesmerized by his presence alone.

Every avenue this man went down led to his street of dreams that all came true due to his brilliance and perfection. (I applaud those who through their efforts and talents experience professional success.) I am speaking about the narcissistic personality disorder’s constant hunger for narcissistic supplies, his inability to listen to anyone else, his manic high on himself/herself as the ego soars to mythic elevations. Psychologically fueled by his delusional sense of self, this fellow traveled out of the earth’s orbit beyond gravity.

Finally, I made a movement toward the door and the spell was broken as others began to leave.

Beneath the surface of this unabashed display of adoration of self, is the broken damaged real self. On other occasions I have witnessed this narcissist’s primitive unconscious projections, perpetrated on unsuspecting others. In these instances this narcissist’s veneer had thinned and his unconscious feelings of self hatred and subjective emptiness were ejected on to innocent unsuspecting recipients.

Learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. This knowledge will be your guide to recognizing these individuals quickly and protecting yourself from their endless self adoring litanies.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Lifewill be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013

Narcissistic Spouses Discard You When You Need Them The Most

Narcissists are essentially solo acts. They are incapable of forming genuine relationships, especially their spouses and children. Narcissists are duplicitous. They have many secret agendas. They compartmentalize their lives skillfully and without conscience.

After you have been married to a narcissist for a while you realize that this man or woman is not the person you met and with whom you fell in love. He switches quickly from one mood to another, almost as if he/she is changing personalities. Even when he is getting everything he wants–praise, success, adulation, prestige, etc. he will suddenly turn on his spouse. He is projecting and spewing his unconscious self loathing and psychological emptiness on to you. Spouses on the receiving end of these assaults often learn to ignore and rationalized these cruel behaviors. “Oh, he’s going through a tough time right now.” “He puts too much pressure on himself/herself.” Actually the narcissist applies full pressure and intimidation to everyone else. He moves in the fast lane of life, often weaving through the traffic, jeopardizing others. Since he doesn’t have a conscience, this doesn’t bother him in the least. He/she only knows that winning is everything.

After the marriage has turned stale—and this can happen quickly with narcissists since they have very short attention spans for spouses–the narcissist needs to figure out exactly what he is going to do with you. If you have become psychologically, emotionally or physically ill, the narcissist leaves you in the dust. I have heard stories of women in labor who had to drive themselves to the hospital. Narcissists are pretend parents. They use their children as narcissistic supplies. They need to present the image of themselves as the “great parent.”  This elaborate presentation fools most people who believe that the narcissist is a fine human beings, spouse and fine parent.

Narcissistic spouses are irritated and disgusted with spouses who are ill, have injuries or chronic physical problems. This cramps their style and doesn’t suit their high flying energy. Besides, it’s dreadful for their grandiose image. In many instances they find another partner and quickly plan to replace the spouse who has psychological or emotional problems or is going through a painful illness. Narcissists are without mercy or empathy. It is not part of their psychological makeup. After the divorce the spouse in great need and crisis is quickly abandoned like a piece of paper flying in an errant wind. Often there are no warnings that this individual is going to be abandoned and left without financial resources that have been purposely depleted by the narcissistic spouse. If there are children involved that don’t fit the image that the narcissistic spouse requires, he or she abandons them as well, leaving them to fend for themselves.

Narcissists never look back at the horrendous pain they have caused—pain and suffering that completely disrupts and damages the lives of their own spouses and children. They never think about this again. They are not haunted by any memory of their cruelties. They sleep well at night and are still completely full of themselves as they change the stage set for a renewal of a fresh new life with another person. This is a travesty, a horrible true scenarios that is repeated over and over again by narcissists with impunity in this world.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Lifewill be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013

 

Covert Narcissists Hiding in Holiness–Yoga Divas–Spiritual Gurus

It has become much the trend to be “spiritual” these days. There are innumerable individuals who sincerely choose and follow a spiritual path that are genuine and sincere and work consistently to be more aware, more empathic and better human beings. I am not talking about these people. I am addressing those who play the role of spiritual teachers in many of its definitions today.

One phenomenon is the popular rise of the practice of yoga. There are studios popping up; special clothing and gear of every kind. Whole industries have arisen as a result of the popularity of this practice. This is not negative by itself but suddenly you have studios catering to the glamour and money side of yoga rather than the true practice. Among these are a number of what I call Yoga Divas. These are narcissists who teach and take yoga.  There are yoga teachers and trainers of yoga students who present themselves as humble, genuine and holy. They may have studied the history, purpose and specific poses and understand this technically and teach their classes but their attention is not on the true purpose of yoga. Their aim is business and business only. It is important for people to make a living if they are providing a valuable service. I am speaking about teachers who are charging astronomical amounts of money for classes and even more to those who want to become yoga teachers. Many teacher training programs are short on training and long on the expense. Beginners are not given enough hands on time or theoretical knowledge to learn the fundamentals of yoga. Hatha yoga is five thousand years old and requires a deep commitment on the part of the teacher and the student.They are not aware that there are narcissistic individuals who are waiting to offer them the full package–a few hours of training with a certificate at the end  in exchange for high fees.  The Yoga Diva is unconcerned about what her students are learning. She is rushing them through for the purpose of quick monetary reward for her. The idea is to get as many students as possible to increase her income not to teach the principles of this healing ancient practice.

As the Yoga Diva gains more and more recognition, her fees increase tremendously. Now she can command so much more money. Some yoga studios flourish on the backs of vulnerable underpaid employees. The Yoga Diva is extremely demanding and self entitled. She  goes on vacations which she calls spiritual retreats (to let everyone know how holy she is), knowing she can leave her business in the hands of the her adoring followers.

Very similar are the attitudes, behaviors and actions of narcissistic spiritual gurus. These human embodied snakes take directly from the ideas of others, attractively package them and use the force and magnetism of their personalities to sell these goods. They offer a shortcut to reaching a higher consciousness over weekends often named “intensives.” The price tag on these “holy retreats” can cost in the thousands easily. I have known a number of individuals who have gotten into these unfortunate situations with phony yogis who are narcissists and even socialized sociopaths.

The manner, speech, gestures, choice of words of the covert narcissist are simultaneously cunning, clever and toxic, especially within this fake spiritual realm. Many individuals are psychologically desperate and emotionally starved and empty. They don’t know where to turn. Regular therapy has not worked for them. Now they turn to the spiritual world, thinking that those who follow these practices will help them to work through their  psychological and emotional issues. They become victims of some of the worst covert narcissists–those who play the martyr, saintly role masterfully. They have been taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable and fragile individuals for decades. They know just how to play them. They look deeply into the spiritual neophyte’s eyes and draw them into their trust. That is the beginning of the hypnotic fusing that takes place. The new student becomes highly dependent on the guru and will spend any amount of money and time to be with this person whom he believes can free him from his emotional burdens and painful psychological symptoms, to experience a strong sense of self and personal confidence, to feel lovable. Empty promises are made but never met. The guru knows this going in each time. As long as spiritual guru plays his part well, he continues to attract followers who cast their hard earned money his way.

Learn from these tales of pseudo spirituality and covert narcissism. You will be prepared for whoever comes along and know immediately that he or she is wearing the costumes of holiness. Beneath the sacred robes and ingratiating mien is a snarling beast.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Lifewill be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013