Month: June 2015

The Narcissist’s Way of Life–Successive Painful Betrayals

A betrayal is one of the most painful experiences an individual can experience. ” A betrayal is a broken agreement, implicit or explicit, that is considered vital to the integrity of a relationship. It is a deep violation of trust. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.)

The individual who is betrayed is treated with disrespect and dismissal. Betrayal, a deception, finds it origins in nets of dark lies and primitive psychopathology.

There is a sharp sting we experience when we discover that someone we have trusted completely, a person at the core of our lives, has quickly shifted away and turned to other sources of psychological, financial and creative supply. Narcissists know exactly how to choose their victims. They pick those who suit their image, are vulnerable, often trustworthy and creatively talented. What could be better for them then to have a person at their disposal tailor made for maximum narcissistic supply and ego inflation.

Narcissists use and abuse your creative talents in the cruelest of ways. They take your best work, pretend like they are collaborating with you, then abandon you without a scintilla of conscience. Narcissists never look back on their betrayals. They move forward, tripping along in the fast lane of their lives–stealing all of the gold for themselves. One person for them is interchangeable with another.

This occurs in marriages to narcissists. The person with whom you have shared your life has hidden his true identity. Narcissists often lead several lives within one. As a result they are duplicitous in their relationships.  Since narcissists have no psychological boundaries or a fully developed conscience, they enter into relationships that their partners believe are close and filled with trust and integrity. These two words trust and integrity are not a part of the narcissist’s values or represent the ways they lead their lives.

You can spend decades with a narcissist, give your love, loyalty and devotion to them and they will betray you. It is just a matter of time and opportunity for them. Narcissists are very restless human beings who are psychologically empty inside. These feelings are harbored in the unconscious but acted out in their relationships. No one can have a genuine relationship with a narcissist. They are not worthy of your trust. You should not give your heart to one of these individuals. They don’t possess the psychological capacity for emotional intimacy and loyalty. The narcissist has the upper hand. His/her masks are irresistible. He is taken with you, fascinated, charmed—as if you are the only person on the face of the earth. Once you are tied to him, attached firmly and have opened your heart, the narcissist knows that there isn’t anything that you won’t do for him.  He has cut a deal with you—not a relationship. It is not until the betrayal is exposed that you will know the truth that has been purposely and cruelly hidden from you.

Some victims of narcissistic betrayal keep going back to their perpetrators. This is very unfortunate and the cause of great emotional pain. The sooner that you understand the true nature of the narcissist the better for you to end this empty predatory relationship.

You deserve to heal as you work through the psychological and emotional pain of this series of betrayals. Be kind to yourself and patient. Practice self care every day. You will recover and be freed to use your creativity, to discover there are individuals worthy of your trust and that you can smile and laugh once more.

Narcissistic Psychotherapists Manipulate and Control Their Clients

I have been keenly aware of narcissistic psychotherapists for many years. They come with different degrees and clinical training. Some graduate from elite, academically high rated universities. None of this matters if your therapist is a narcissistic personality. Do not judge the competence of a mental health professional strictly based on their academic background or clinical training. (There are many high quality psychotherapists who provide excellent therapy to their clients. My focus is on narcissistic psychotherapists.) (This post refers to female and male therapists.)

Many clients who go to psychotherapists are in a state of emotional and psychological crisis. They are desperate to get help. They are putting tremendous trust in the therapist they choose. After doing your homework on a therapist, you may not know that he or she is a narcissistic personality until you have been seeing them in session for a while.

Narcissistic psychotherapists are experts at pseudo empathy. They go through all the right motions. They have pleasantly appointed offices; they appear to be very professional; they come highly recommended, etc.

Always remember that you are hiring this person to help you. You decide whether the therapist is up to the task or not.

Narcissistic psychotherapists can be very charming and appear to be highly invested in your psychological welfare. This is an act that works very well for them. They charge high fees, knowing that they offer the highest quality of psychotherapy. They feel over-entitled to make as much money as they can off of their clients’ emotional and psychological pain.  Narcissistic therapists raise their fees as often as possible to keep the money stream, like at great wave, always moving in their direction.

Certain clients represent their bread and butter. These are individuals who suffer from psychological abandonment. As children they experienced maternal deprivation, emotional abuse, scapegoating, gas lighting and suffered a variety of traumas. Their tendency is to develop a strong attachment to the therapist who comes to represent a part of themselves that is emotionally and psychologically damaged. These clients  fuse with the therapist. The narcissistic psychotherapist manipulates the client’s pervasive emotional dependency. He may insist that the client check in with him by phone at certain times. This is done to maintain the dependency connection and to keep the client coming to therapy. The narcissistic psychotherapist does not care about the progress of his client. He is focused only on controlling this individual into long term therapy based on his heady monetary goals.

The client does not progress with healing.  Rather he or she becomes more emotionally dependent on the therapist. At some point the therapist decides that this individual no longer suits his needs for narcissistic supply and manipulates these clients into an quick exit. This is done when the therapist discovers that the client no longer is able to pay his high, accelerating fees. Narcissistic therapists have no difficulty finding “replacements” who will fill their appointment books and increase their income stream.

When choosing a psychotherapist, do your research, get excellent referrals and interview several therapists.  Interview them carefully, paying attention to their authentic interest and concern about your issues, their level of genuine empathy and what you are sensing about their insight and knowledge with regard to you. Also, the therapist must treat you with great respect as a very unique, valuable individual.

 

 

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Take Care of Your Child Inside

As a daughter of a narcissistic mother you were treated without compassion. Cruelty from mother came in many forms: neglect, sharp criticisms, insidious manipulations, screaming fits and hysteria, constant blame, false accusations and many forms of abuse and exploitation. Narcissistic mothers are exceedingly cold emotionally. They are incapable of authentic psychological attachment. Even those daughters who are treated as the golden child and appear to be adored by mother, are not loved for themselves but are forced to take the role of mother’s perfect mirror and her ultimate narcissistic supply.

Some daughters don’t make the grade as far as mother is concerned and they are discarded and left on their own. This is very distressing to a young child to feel abandoned and completely alone with no one to turn to. In many cases the father plays the role of enabler and is subservient emotionally his narcissistic wife and is very distanced from the family. As a result the daughter has no parent to turn to for emotional comfort, acceptance, support or protection.

As the grown daughter of a narcissistic mother, take courage in who you are as an individual. Be kind to the small child inside of you, show compassion not blame. Blame was projected on to you but it is not your true identity. Take time to research the true nature of the narcissistic personality, the narcissistic mother in particular. This begins the process of healing.

Learn to honor yourself by practicing self care. Get the sleep that you need and deserve, use your creativity to the fullest, find a few individuals whom you trust and who truly listen, rediscover beauty in your life. Some daughters report that guided meditation that calms the mind and nervous system is very helpful in learning how to become more peaceful inside. Gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing slowly through the nostrils is a calming practice that clears the mind and works on every system of the body for strength and flexibility.

We celebrate your healing process. It is your first priority.

Narcissists Know that You Will Surrender to Their Endless Manipulations

Narcissists have no shame. They are incapable of this human emotion since they do not have a fully developed conscience. They are especially shameless in their incessant manipulations and outrageous antics and high stakes dramas. (This post refers to female and male narcissists).

They belong on the stage—that’s how good they are at playing their parts. The grandiose narcissist waltzes through his territories of control bursting with extreme self entitlement and a clear sense that he can control everyone in his environment, including his spouses, children, siblings and those with whom he interfaces in his/her professional life.

High level narcissists who achieve great success in the world look down on those who are not on “their level” as inferior. They can’t be bothered with such lowly people. This current society of rampant pathological narcissism provides endless ego supplies to these individuals—as long as they are making huge sums of money, producing outrageous profits for sharesholders or business partners and incessantly moving towards power plays.

They are increasingly rewarded for their “efforts and successes.” Narcissists are exceedingly nervy–They don’t give a damn about anyone unless it will bring them the power that they feel that they deserve and will have. It doesn’t matter that they are highly destructive to the human beings that interface with them, especially their spouses and children. In many societal sectors, human beings are treated like commodities. In a narcissistic family constellation, the classic narcissist has the dominant voice in the household. Often he or she marries an individual whom he can count on to acquiesce to his demands.

The narcissistic personality is a master manipulator. He has been practicing and honing his game since early childhood. Although the narcissist has little or no insight he is cunning. He senses when you are fearful and hesitant. He works on your vulnerabilities and knows how and when you will “cave” to his intimidations. As long as he wins, it doesn’t matter what kind of pain has been inflicted on you. He/she knows that you will keep coming back for more—always hoping that he has had a revelation and changed. This is never the case. He is counting on you to keep returning to his empty promises and outright lies for more psychological abuse.

At some point you will recognize the true nature of the narcissist and non-stop manipulation machine. You will know that it is time to get off of this painful ride and move toward a new cycle of your life. You have done the research and now know exactly who this person is and the purpose behind his causing you deep pain and stress. There are many who have won back their lives from the narcissistic personality and are now free. Give yourself tremendous credit for working through this process. You are courageous and live the truth.