Tag: Narcissistic Personality

Money, privileges, presents, perks, special indulgences are the glue that keep narcissistic families together. It isn’t love (narcissists are incapable of loving or intimacy of any kind). It’s the image of a devoted family, like a beautifully composed photograph—placed on a mantelpiece to show others something that is not true. Many people are fooled by this charade. This includes the narcissistic father’s children. If you have a mother who is psychologically fused with her narcissistic husband and looks up to him and has no identity of her own, there is great pressure for the children of this pathological union to believe the family fairy tale. “Once upon a time I had a wonderful father. He worked very hard and loved his children. Everyone thought he was great. He was very successful and charming. Mother was always by his side, reminding us to obey our marvelous father. He provided everything for us…….etc.” When you view the truth beneath this piece of fiction it is ugly, cruel and treacherous. Narcissistic fathers treat their children like objects. They weed out those who can benefit their ego interests and ignore and/or abuse the others. They demean the children they don’t favor to their golden children. This occurs to the point of extreme abuse perpetrated by the father, mother and siblings on the targeted child (children).

The narcissistic father offers monetary incentive to some of his children so that they will overlook the callous cruelty of their father. Dad makes deals with each child, promising to give him or her exactly what he wants.Children are vulnerable to accepting money. Of course narcissistic dad makes secret arrangements with each son or daughter and is told he is the favorite. The narcissist spends his entire life lying to everyone—even his children. He thinks of them as narcissistic supplies who will make you look more superior, attractive, successful. Most children of narcissists go for the money bait or the “I am my dad’s favorite” promise.

There are children of narcissistic fathers who are truthseekers. They will not be manipulated and exploited. Even as very young children they knew that their dad was a fraud and the essence of deceit. This makes their childhoods very difficult. Other children learn as adults about their father’s true nature. They are no longer in favor. His attention is drawn elsewhere. They feel the hurt of not being genuinely loved. They were used as props to maintain dad’s image. These victims of narcissistic fathers finally break the tie and eject dad from their lives. Often this means that they say goodbye to their brothers and sisters who are still playing the game in which they pretend and act like dad is a great person in exchange for financial rewards and the professional and personal connections that come with being associated with this man they call father. Those who make this decision move through a process of loss, recognizing that they never had a real father—-rather an empty unfeeling image of a parent.

After going through this process, the lives of these sons and daughters are renewed. They form loving and meaningful relationships who love them unconditionally. They are now free to lead their lives, to be completely themselves, to use their creativity and to look forward to a future that is full of integrity and hope. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

I cannot emphasize enough the horrific life stories that are communicated to me from daughters of narcissistic mothers. It is difficult to imagine that these dreadful non-mothers could be so cruel. Some of them have tortured their daughters for decades. There is a sub-group of narcissistic mothers who are highly sadistic and gain pleasure from causing their daughters extreme mental, emotional and in some instances severe pain and injury. All of this is kept secret within the confines of the family. On the outside these mothers are considered as models that others should follow. They even participate in their daughter’s school activities. Other mothers are never available, except when it is time to humiliate their child in from of the entire family. Often these mothers are married to very weak men who might as well be young children themselves.

It is vital that we begin to recognize the criminality of these acts perpetrated by narcissistic mothers on their daughters. It affects many of them throughout their lives. They have nightmares, can’t sleep, chronic anxiety, depression, somatic complaints, headaches, etc. Some of these daughters are unable to leave this pathological fusion and spend most of their lives tethered to their treacherous narcissistic mothers. Those who finally perceive their mother’s destructiveness, find a way to break free. It can take some time to come to the realization that your mother, the person you were entitled to trust, is a very disturbed and uncaring human being who has completely undermined your life. After severing the non-relationship with mother some of these daughters go through an adjustment period. Many of them grieve for the mother they never had. Others are very angry about all of the years they have missed as a result of their psychological imprisonment. Some benefit from finding an excellent psychotherapist. Healing modalities like gentle hatha yoga, different forms of meditation, being a part of Nature, finding friends that are understanding and kind, are some of the ways that they begin the healing process. When we provide the conditions for healing and feel entitled to live with inner peace and self respect together with the use of all of our gifts, transformation occurs. Life begins once more. As the seasons are renewed, we too can be re-born and thrive. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Bringing two families together through marriage is a complex process that requires patience, maturity, compassion and insight. Under the best of circumstances this is very challenging. When we are dealing with narcissistic family members this becomes impossible. Narcissists don’t cooperate with others, especially family members. They seek power over others, using the tools of intimidation, deception, manipulation and the sheer fore of their personalities. In families where there are several narcissists, great rivalries can arrive, tempers flair, ugly scenes are frequent. It is common to have a narcissistic matriarch or patriarch who controls the actions and emotions of the other family members.

Sensitive children raised in this psychological climate suffer horribly in this environment of emotional turmoil, constant feuding and all out verbal battles and threats. Often these children find ways to escape into their own minds and detach themselves from the battles for power that erupt frequently. They learn to deftly remove themselves from the line of fire. As small children they have to learn to take care of themselves in order to survive. Life for them is about survival. They live in fear, even terror that they will be punished for something they were unjustly accused of, for not being perfect, for disappointing the tyrannical narcissistic parent.

Fortunately, many of emotionally deprived and abused children find a way to escape their family psychopathology by leaving these homes of horror, using their initiative and intelligence to pursue the professional ambitions and use their creative gifts After they become independent adults, many adult children who grew up in these chaotic dysfunctional families benefit from good psychotherapy or other healing modalities that help them to deal with the psychological deprivation and multiple cruelties that they experienced growing up in narcissistic blended families. Those who survive and prevail deserve our praise.They have weathered a very difficult childhood inheritance. Using their faith in themselves and unrelenting perseverance, they have become individuated people who love and respect themselves and form warm, lasting relationships. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists cast dark shadows over our lives, especially when we are very young. Deep inside, instinctively, we know that we must survive. Many of us go along not only to get along but to stay alive psychologically. Some young children in highly disturbed narcissistic families become hyper-vigilent—always surveying their environments for danger, threats, visceral feelings of being completely unsafe. Other children are less aware of the dynamics in the family on a conscious level. They distract themselves with activity, telling themselves that everything is all right. In our earliest years our minds normalize what we are experiencing. It is the rare person who as a small child knew that there was something fundamentally wrong, unjust, and highly disturbed about one or both of our parents.

Narcissistic fathers cannot parent. They are emotionally unavailable to their children. They go through the motions of interacting with them. They may give greater attention to a child whom they perceive will become a star, a standout in the family—-this is another narcissistic supply for the father. He doesn’t care about the individuality of this son or daughter. He sees potential in them that can be nurtured and eventually will reflect his greatness. The kids who don’t make the cut–the ones who are less attractive, highly sensitive, not socially skilled—-are set aside for neglect and constant ridicule. To the narcissistic father you are either his possession or you don’t exist. This man constantly appraises the value of his children to him. He sets unapproachable goals. Everyone must be at the top of the class or else. These fathers will take a son who has athletic capability and make them work out to the point of exhaustion and injury to fulfill their dream of having a son who is a professional athlete. Andre Agassi, the great tennis champion talks about his cruel narcissistic father’s forcing him from early childhood to practice hour after hour without let up. He didn’t care that his son hated tennis. Father prevailed. And yes, Agassi became a great champion but at a great price–years of abuse and agony.

There is an accumulation of truth about your narcissistic father. Some of his children recognize early that they are being used to prop up their father’s ego supplies and his grandiose self vision. Others identify with the father and spend their lives as his living servants. Those who wake up to the truth that the father is a merciless narcissist, sever this toxic relationship and begin the healing process of fulfilling their birthright of becoming a free separate individual. Some turn to professional psychotherapy and grieve for the real father they never had. There are other healing paths–meditation, hatha yoga, journaling, the forming of meaningful close relationships with individuals who care deeply about the real you. Those who go through this passage discover that they are finally free to lead their lives on their terms. They thrive, discover creative gifts that have been left dormant and gain confidence and inner peace by embracing their real selves. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

In our current society narcissists are venerated, followed and fawned over. They are our national and state leaders, politicians, CEO’s, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, entertainment elite, medical doctors, university professors, spiritual teachers. The list is endless and growing.

Most people are captivated by the burnished image of an individual not their true nature. If someone is highly attractive, bright, educated, very articulate and charming, many are immediately drawn to this person. It is difficult to separate the image that a person presents from what lies behind the smooth talk, gorgeous eyes, confident stance, commanding presence. If you pay close attention and study the narcissistic personality you will learn to recognize that many of those who present themselves in this way are not “good people.” By this I don’t mean that they are criminals but that they don’t give a damn about you, never will and are motivated only by what they can take from you. They are users and exploiters par excellence. They have been learning this craft all of their lives. Most of them have felt superior to everyone else since they were small children. Narcissists are created not born. There is no narcissistic gene.

I say that narcissists are not good people because when we know what they reap in terms of human relationships, the picture is ugly. Yes, they may give money to worthy causes. Some of them are generous and that is good and praise worthy. But when we view their personal lives we see close up the psychological havoc they wreak with their spouses and children and other family members. I read and directly hear countless personal life stories of those who grew up with narcissistic families. What has happened to them for decades is devastating and horrific. They have been emotionally and psychologically abused throughout their childhoods and into adulthood. In a common scenario the parent’s public image is impeccable. People look up to this individual as a model–someone they want to emulate. The very opposite is true. Most often what is true about an individual takes place behind closed doors. It occurs in secret. It is kept secret because of the narcissist’s threatening and abusive treatment of family members. They have learned to keep quiet because their lives depend on it.God help those who cross a narcissistic mother, father, sibling, in-law. Narcissists control their private fiefdoms. Some spouses and children are brain washed and psychologically fuse with the narcissist. They are in massive denial and remain that way for the rest of their lives. Others recognize who this person truly is—a severe, highly disturbed, venal, cruel narcissistic personality who will continue to abuse them. They disengage themselves from this toxic family member, find ways to escape, save themselves and lead their own lives.

Learn to identify the narcissistic personality quickly so that you cannot be victimized by them, regardless of their public image, personal magnetism, convincing lies, charming overtures to you. To understand the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your

Narcissistic sociopaths are a growing in our current societal climate of greed, ruthlessness and lack of conscience. The sociopath I am describing is the bloodless kind—one who doesn’t cause direct physical violence. The people that I describe are much too clever to get caught. They appear to follow laws and rules. They thrive on an image of high achievement, well honed social skills, the appearance of empathy (called pseudo empathy) personal charisma and a tremendous capacity of persuasion. Meeting one of these individuals, one can feel their personal magnetism. This is the irresistible bait that hooks many people into their world. Beneath the surface, inside the narcissistic sociopath is their belief that they are superior and in complete control of others.

They are exploitive of everyone, especially those whom they marry. They fool most people; that’s how cunning and clever they are. If you have been married to a narcissist for a while you know that your life is being controlled by your partner on many levels. On the surface it doesn’t appear that way. The spouse is often reaping the benefits of the sociopath’s success and public prominence—-even the image of a “good character” he has created for himself. Spouses of narcissistic sociopaths often have their own careers and believe that they are savvy about human nature. Despite your successes, your sociopathic spouse is using you as a narcissistic supply to reach his goals not yours. Your deep feelings, worries, inner thoughts don’t matter to him. Sociopaths are not familiar with their inner selves nor are they the least bit interested in what another person is feeling.They are very cunning at reading other when it is to their advantage. They often take their opponents and enemies off center and throw them aside. This is often the case with spouses married to narcissistic sociopaths. These individuals cannot be loyal to anyone, their wives included. They lead many lives with different women in secret. They have girlfriends, mistresses, short and long affairs, etc. This is very exciting to them. Even the danger of getting caught allures them to the chase and conquest.

Many wives of narcissistic sociopaths avert their eyes to the unethical, immoral and often illegal activities in which their husbands are engaged. They don’t want to know the details so that they can pretend that they are married to a decent person and that their lives will remain predictable, secure financially and exciting socially. The enraged, threatening, dismissive, outrageously demanding sociopath comes to the surface sometimes in public but most often in private. He has no respect for your person. You can be tormented day and night by this highly disturbed individual. You are blamed for his mistakes. You are told that you will be replaced. He looks in your face and screams about your appearance: “You’re ugly and getting old. I can’t stand looking at you any more.” “You ungrateful b—-! I’ve given everything to you and gotten nothing in return but misery.”
The narcissistic sociopath foams at the mouth with poisonous projections that enter your mind and body and create a state of siege inside that cannot be quieted. You develop physical symptoms from the 24/7 stress and insomnia. It is hard to get food down. This is a crisis that must be addressed. At this point some spouses decide that they can no longer live this way. They are harming themselves, staying with a threatening abusive spouse. If they have children they recognize that this family constellation is toxic to them as well. Spouses that leave narcissistic sociopaths go through a process of severing the emotional ties to this individual even though they have been mistreated throughout the marriage. For others there is a great relief.

After the divorce, the spouses who made this decision re-direct their lives. They are no longer being controlled or threatened. Some find that good psychotherapy is important in going through the process of becoming completely independent from their previous life. The creative juices begin to flow once more. Opportunities for healthy relationships with friends new and old are a great source of support. The freed spouse now defines herself, is unfettered and learns to appreciate a peaceful environment outside and deep within the self. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Shame is a complex intolerable feeling of being exposed, wanting to disappear, emotional vulnerability, feeling inferior and worthless. Each person feels shame in his or her own way. A child who feels shame has been shamed by parent(s) siblings or other family members. Shaming a child is a way of controlling them–making them feel small and helpless.Chronic shaming abuse leaves a painful imprint on the psyche..

Narcissists are shameless. They have no sense of limits or consideration for others. Narcissists lie shamelessly, attempt to destroy your reputation, even have you fired—For these serious transgressions of human decency they feel no shame. Not having a conscience facilitates narcissists in their outrageous and hurtful behaviors. Narcissists are particularly brutal with their spouses. They create reasons to shame their partners. Riding along with the shaming is their volcanic rage. Here there is no let up. They constantly scream in your face, slam doors, hit walls, then revert to the silent treatment. At the end of these wretched scenes the narcissist blames you for disturbing him. Narcissistic spouses are constantly finding ways to whittle you down psychologically, to keep you desperate, to throttle your nerve endings. Shaming is one of their most effective evil tools. It is especially pernicious if you were shamed as a child. Some spouses take this toxic kind of abuse because it is so familiar to them. They unconsciously turn to a narcissistic spouse to reinforce how they feel about themselves from childhood. Some spouses, after years of being belittled and laughed out and dragged through the mud of abuse, wake up and realize they don’t deserve to be treated in this abusive manner.

The work of separating permanently from the narcissistic spouse has begun. This passage may not be easy or smooth but it is worth the journey. I am in communication with many spouses who have made this final separation from the narcissistic spouse. With the help of the support of family members and/or other members of their social group together with those who benefit from excellent psychotherapy, they taste freedom for the first time in their lives. They don’t have to make excuses for who they are. They feel no shame or hesitation as they move toward healing and wholeness. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.

There are many extraordinary human beings who grew up in narcissistic families. Mother, father, sisters, brothers, in-laws, grandparents—every pattern imaginable exists. This is one of the most difficult family constellations for a growing child. In some cases there are surrogate parents in the form of a brother, sister, aunt, grandparent, who provides a sense of acceptance, affection and being cared for. In others the child grows up very isolated, believing that this family is the only reality. Other children see through the charade early and learn to maneuver through their own lives by keeping themselves almost invisible, pretending to go along with the narcissistic family delusion, while maintaining their own sense of reality. Some children escape into books, spend a lot of time at the homes of friends, learn a great deal from their teachers, use their imaginations for creative purposes and insulate themselves from the pathology that surrounds them.

At some point the children in narcissistic families discover that the people who”raised” them were unable to be genuine. As narcissists they lived as false often grandiose selves. Getting in touch with the real self is not possible for the narcissist. Children in these families are often highly favored as special and superior. Many of them become narcissists and repeat the family pattern.

Those who step out and separate and individuate from the narcissistic family of origin take a monumental passage forward to re-acquaint themselves with their true selves and all of their special gifts, talents and energies that they have concealed from themselves for so long. One of the purposes we are here on earth is to manifest our creative gifts in the special form it takes in each individual. The maxim–“Let your light shine” is a wise one and essential to leading whole, healing and triumphant lives. You may be surprised at how many of your creative gifts you have left lying fallow. Many are amazed at the rich capacities that they have deep within them. The other part of your healing is in sharing what you have learned with others. There are so many people who feel trapped by the narcissistic personality.in each family constellation. Some of those who are now living in the freedom of the light communicate their journeys in various forms–writing, art, being active in support groups.

We celebrate your perseverance through this process and the emergence of your real self that has been waiting all of your life to become the person you were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

You don’t have any control over who are your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and other family members. And you can not determine who will become your in-laws. And that is a huge dilemma if they are narcissists. One narcissistic in-law can spoil your whole day and more —-if you let them. I’m not saying it is easy to maneuver their circuitous, deceitful, ruthless ways. The first step is in identifying them as quickly as possible. It is invaluable for you to spend some time studying the narcissistic personality—the character disorder of our time. Once you know that one or some of your in-laws are narcissists, keep out of their range. There are few things that they love to do more than trapping you in a corner all alone and project their psychological venom on to you. Do not be alone with these people. Their toxic bursts are non-stop. Narcissistic in-laws lie about family members all of the time. It’s like a sport with them. They are seeking complete control of the family including family assets. You say—but they’re family!!!!No, they are not. They carry this title in name only. They are ruthless, treacherous narcissists who will endeavor to brainwash or vanquish everyone in the family, stepping over everyone to get to the very top. And often they do—by stealth, cunning, pretending to care deeply about someone whom they can control. Never sell these individuals short. I have known of cases in which a narcissistic in-law stole three inheritances that didn’t belong to them. They became executors, won the trust of unwitting family members and they never got caught. It’s hard to believe but this happens.

Protect yourself from these vipers. If there are other family members who are as perceptive as you and recognize their true natures, form an alliance with them. In some cases they have undermined everyone. Family members are living under the spell of the toxic in-law and you have to step aside and protect yourself and lead your life free from them. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Making the decision to divorce a narcissistic spouse can be wrenching even after you can identify this person as a severe personality disorder who is not going to change. In many cases there are shared financial resources, residences and other possessions that will require division. The narcissist always lies about his true assets and often conceals them when serious talk of divorce fills the air. Make sure you choose an excellent attorney who understands the ruthless games of the narcissist, their no limits attitude and lack of conscience and of course their incredible acting skills. Be prepared for the plots and plans, their pity and martyr roles. Follow their assets with a microscope. In some instances forensic accountants are hired to get to the bottom of what the narcissistic spouse has hidden. After the final papers are signed and the divorce is a reality, the non-narcissistic spouse is left to put back together his/her lives.

After the narcissist the spouse who has been through an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride and has sustained great stress and trauma goes through a process of rebuilding the self. For years and even decades your life has been dictated by the controlling narcissist. In effect you were a prisoner of your marriage. The narcissist made all of the rules and you were expected to obey. Your life was overshadowed by this highly pathological human being.

Now that you are free, you may find yourself going through a period of adjusting to making your own decisions and rediscovering your creative gifts. For other spouses , they move into first gear very quickly—they are prisoners who have been waiting for the gates of freedom to open. These individuals began to bloom and thrive. They discover that they have great amounts of energy. They feel their freedom. They discover that they feel great making their own decisions. They experience joy in recovering their great creative gifts from the past and finding talents that they didn’t realize they had. This is a process of restoring your life. There is a freedom with other people. You can express yourself spontaneously, create new meaningful relationships that are supportive and healing. Some of those who divorce narcissists begin healing practices of yoga and meditation that result in deeper healing and a sense of peace. The sense of a solid self is built on a firm foundation of knowing who you are and accepting and loving yourself. There are so many reports of those who free themselves from narcissistic spouses that are inspirational and bring light into our lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]