Tag: Narcissistic Personality

If you are seriously thinking about divorcing your narcissistic husband/wife, don’t give any indication–verbal or nonverbal that this is your intention. Narcissists are incapable of introspection or insight but they are uncanny in detecting when you are on to them and headed for divorce court. Be sure that you have made detailed plans to protect your personal assets and the part of the shared property, investments, bank accounts, etc to which you are entitled. Research and interview more than one attorney. Personal recommendations can be of great value but an individual that is effective for one person may not be successful in your situation. Make a clear appraisal. The attorney must be highly skilled in his/her field. In addition he must have a clear understanding of the character traits of the narcissistic personality. That doesn’t mean he must be an expert. He needs to be very savvy about highly manipulative people who lie, have no conscience, are completely ruthless and are dirty players. Expect the opposing attorney to be very tough, chronically lie, be highly manipulative and intimidating. He/she has a charming and go below the belt if he/she can get away with it.

One of the most common schemes of the narcissist is to put all of the assets including properties, bank accounts, stocks in his name. I have communicated with spouses who were absolutely stunned to find out that their financial security had beenr ripped away from them years before they decided to seek a divorce. Don’t put anything past the narcissist. It is strategically wise to play his role–think the way he does. How is he plotting to ruin you financially. What schemes does he have up his sleeve. Is he talking to gullible family members against you? Is he using a business partner to hold his assets (and yours) as a way of playing “I don’t have anything–You can’t get money out of a stone.”

Once you make the decision to go ahead with the divorce, don’t get pulled in the narcissist’s empty promises—this is a ruse, an undertow that will pull you back down.

Form a strong support group. Seek psychotherapy if you think it will help you through the process. Be sure you choose a therapist who is not a narcissist–Yes there are some who are in this profession.

Choose healing routines–gentle yoga poses, slow stretching with the breath that is relaxing and loosens tightened muscles, spending some time outside and feel the breeze (get some natural vitamin d), listening to music you love and let it permeate you, singing or chanting spontaneously, laughing your head off with a friend just being silly—-and many more that you will discover.

Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality (their numbers are growing). Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. He/she is merciless. If you are in the full bloom of his infatuation with you–then you are The One and he won’t let you forget it. This phase doesn’t last long. You may believe that he still loves you (He never did–Narcissists are incapable of love). This is not true. He is just barely going through the motions. In fact not long after the marriage, a few years, months, decades, depending on his fancy and other opportunities he has for other women to adore him., he wants you out of his life–the quicker the better.

If you get sick he doesn’t give a damn. If you get real sick, he is inconvenienced and pissed. “You drive yourself to the hospital. You’re putting on an act–I can tel and it’s not convincing.” This has really happened. Believe it, this is how cold and disgusting these individuals can be when their adoring audience is not present. He pretends to care about your welfare but this is all show. His relatives and friends think he is an extraordinary person–a great family man. Really!!! It is not unusual after the marriage is in dark distress for the narcissistic husband to flip the entire family to his side. Don’t catch yourself flat footed. Remember, without a conscience the narcissist is morally agile–he can go in any direction he wants at high speed. Others have to think and weigh the consequences of their judgements: Will this hurt someone? Will I hurt this person’s feelings? The narcissist doesn’t go through this exercise—ever. He forges ahead in the fast lane of his life and no one else matters.

So, you must learn to care about your own life and appreciate every gift that you have, every kindness you have shown to others and those that you will bestow in the future. Appreciate that you think about the feelings of others before you act–that you have a well developed conscience–that you are merciful to those who are vulnerable, afraid, weak and debilitated. And today there are so many of these people—living alone, barely holding on. You will find them and ease their suffering. You are a real human being. You have compassion and that is scarce these days. As you grow and individuate you will psychologically leave the narrow cruel life of the narcissist behind. You will continue to grow and re-create your life. I wish you my very best. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

“Paranoia is a pervasive fear that others will harm or even destroy us. The narcissist lives in an unfriendly and dangerous inner world..Inside, he is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies.” (From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

All narcissists are paranoid on some level. They look over their shoulders, fortify their ramparts, create traps to assure their psychological safety. They are highly secretive about this. They don’t want anyone to know their secrets.

Narcissists have never developed Basic Trust–which is the human capacity to feel internally protected and secure within yourself and to learn how to develop meaningful relationships with others.

Narcissists throughout their lives have psychologically, emotionally and financially crushed countless people, especially those closest to them—their spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, children. There is a pervasive pattern of narcissistic abuse that involves the stealing of financial security by the narcissistic spouse. I have heard and read innumerable life stories of spouses who believed that they could obtain a fair divorce settlement only to discover that monetary assets had been hidden and then placed under the control of the narcissist. In a number of cases the injured spouse is not able to obtain legal representation because they have no funds. The narcissist hires a very savvy high powered attorney who prevails in the divorce court. Some of these malicious narcissists end up with custody of the children. They don’t give a damn about their children. This is a form of revenge for them and a way of maintaining their image of “good father.”

Despite their success professionally in the world, deep inside the narcissist is paranoid deep inside. From the beginning of his life he was unable to trust anyone. He/she grew up as a false self who danced to the tune of the parent who molded him rather than accept his child as genuine and precious as an individual. On an unconscious level he never developed trust and couldn’t feel safe or cherished for himself. This is tragic.

The tragedy continues with those who are victimized by the narcissist and their number is legion. Those are the individuals to whom I reach out. Learn to protect yourself from the pathological paranoid narcissist. Study the personality traits and recognize the red flags of the narcissistic personality. Trust your genuine self always to know the truth about the nature of these pathological individuals. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists convincingly play the part of the victim. Some of them become the “martyr” as an ultimate way of controlling others– especially their spouses. How can someone raise their voice to a person is hurting so much. CNs move back and forth in this role depending on how well it is working for them. In effect they blame their spouse for the very cruelties that they have perpetrated. A CN can be screaming ugly epithets at you one moment and convincingly asking you showing that they have been severely emotionally hurt by you the next moment. This is particularly the case when they are under a lot of pressure, when you have decided to divorce them and are moving for a settlement. They play the victim role to the hilt. They tell family members, your friends, everyone in reach how badly you have treated them, about your monstrous cruelties, your insensitivity and lack of empathy, your emotional coldness. This martyr role is convincing on a lot of people in your social circle. They are playing the victimized good guy who has been emotionally harmed by you. When a divorce is in process, this ploy can be very effective. Do not be surprised at the lengths the CN will go to convincing others that you are the villain because you are breaking up the family.

In some cases the spouses stops in her tracks and decides to make a try a couples therapy and fight to get the marriage on track. That’s how powerful their method acting can be. Never be fooled. This is a narcissistic personality who is playing one of his best cards–the good guy, great husband and ultimate martyr. You know differently. You remember the horrible cruelties visited on you by this toxic narcissist. You have lived behind closed doors with this person and been the victim of his manipulations, accusations, criticisms and exploitations. Hold on to the truth. Do not be swayed. You are entitled to lead your own life and be free of your covert narcissistic spouse. Remember that this personality disorder does not change. Some divorcing spouses benefit from high quality psychotherapy. De your research and choose the right therapist for you. Begin to think about yourself first. Leave the CN with his worn out act behind.

Lead the life that you deserve.Now you are free to think you own thoughts, have your feelings and use all of your creative gifts. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When the narcissistic spouse realizes that he is going to have to divide up the assets, he is in a fury and will find every way to take revenge. One horrendous plan is to seek custody of the children and continue a battle and series of skirmishes that can go on for over a decade. I have seen this happen. If he has the money and assets on his side he is well lawyered up. Be prepared for this battle beforehand. Choose the best attorney you possibly can. Make sure that this person understands the narcissistic personality. Your soon to be ex-husband doesn’t give a damn about the children. They have always been part of his image or narcissistic supply. Now—he rides in on a white horse and decides that he is “perfect dad.” He convinces some of your friends that this is the case and bad mouths with despicable lies. Those who believe his lies should not be a part of your life. Create a support system you can trust and count on. Don’t be intimidated. Learn as much as you can about the narcissistic personality—This is power! You will rise to the occasion. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You have heard the expression that blood is thicker than water–that our “kin” is closer to us than anyone else because we share the same DNA and family history. This is not the case, especially when we grow up in a family of narcissists. If you were raised in this type of pathological family constellation, you knew early that your mother, father, siblings, etc. were not on your side. You knew that you would be betrayed if you dared to share confidences with them. You could not depend on your narcissistic mother to nurture, protect or care about you. Your siblings were highly competitive against you. These young narcissists saw you as weak and inferior and treated you in kind. There are innumerable life stories of brutal childhoods that the victims of narcissistic family members endure.

Narcissistic relatives pull the rug out from under us as often as possible. They absolutely can’t be trusted. You may think you know them–even a mother or father or spouse but they have secret agendas. They make empty promises, drawing you in to believe in them. The time comes and they revoke what they have sworn they would do. They make excuses; they tell you there was a misunderstanding and you were wrong. They accuse you of fabrications. Narcissists live in total delusion of their own making They never deal with the truth.

To protect yourself, study the narcissistic personality in-depth. You will discover some family members in all the pages of your reading. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will always tell you the truth. Believe in your perceptions and know that your narcissistic relatives will never change. You cannot have genuine relationships with them. You will form other relationships that are meaningful. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Those who move forward despite all of the strum and drang, the intimidations, tricks, ploys, ambushes, etc. involved in moving through the rocky road through a divorce with a narcissistic spouse win the gold medal. This is one of the most difficult passages on your journey to end your relationship with a narcissistic personality. As you know they try and execute every trick, lie, ruse, fear tactics in the book. Some narcissists are so creatively cruel they have written their own books. You have stood up and been undaunted despite all of the onslaughts. You have kept faith in yourself. You have out fought and out witted the narcissist. You have spent many days and nights studying the narcissistic personality and it has paid off. You have learned to be in command of yourself. You now know who you really are—a strong, steady genuine individual who cannot be defeated no matter what. You are free now to pursue your life, to use all of your creative gifts and visions, to manifest the original self–the person you were born to be. Celebrate–lift your arms in victory. Let your heart open and smile. You are victorious. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Whether they are very successful business women or stay at home “mothers” narcissistic women are incapable of mothering. It is tragic that so many of them have had children. I am making this statement as a result of my clinical knowledge of the psychic structure of the narcissist. The narcissistic woman who becomes a “mother” cannot fulfill this role. In some cases these women don’t become mothers and that is very fortunate. Especially at this time—Not every woman must become a mother–especially if this person is not going to be capable of making a secure loving attachment to her child. Lack of attachment, anxious attachment and disturbed attachment will have a profound negative on the child’s psyche.

For the narcissistic woman, giving birth to a child is a great narcissistic supply. If she is a professional, climbing the heights, there area extra bonuses–She does it all! No, that is not the case. If she stays home as the “devoted mother”, then her life revolves around her dear children and the home. Not the case again. Remember, this is a narcissist. Having a child and children raises the narcissistic mother to another level. This creates an indelible image in the minds of others. Her children are so perfect; she is so loving; the family is wonderful. This is all fiction and delusion. The photographs with the smiles and perfect background don’t tell the tale. The real stories come from the women with whom I have communicated who tell me about the horrors of their life histories as daughters of narcissistic mothers. The cruelties, deprivations, insensitivities, dismissive coldness and treacheries are immeasurable. Many of these daughters slowly heal but it is a difficult and long road they travel. These women deserve our respect. They have prevailed over their highly disturbed, malicious, envious narcissistic “mothers.” To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I know of a number of cases, especially during custody disputes when the narcissistic husband (or wife) turns sadistic and gains pleasure and narcissistic supplies by threatening to take your children away from you. In some instances he succeeds because he has the financial resources and the charm and persuasiveness to persuade mediators and judges that he is the better parent. This man or woman doesn’t give a damn about the welfare of his children. He is out for revenge because he gets pleasure from watching you suffer. That is the definition of a sadist. He is seen as the “good father”. He spreads lies about you and may even turn your family members against you.

Arm yourself with as much information as you can about the narcissistic personality. You cannot know enough. Make sure that you have a very savvy attorney who can go up against the narcissist. He will have hired a barracuda of a lawyer who is out for blood.

If you know early that your spouse is a narcissist you may want to end the marriage there before you have children. Being married is one thing—having children is another. Having children with a sadistic narcissist is putting the welfare of your children in jeopardy. If this has already happened, take heart and go into battle fully armed, knowing that you are going to win.Take good care of yourself as well.Form a close knit support group.You can do this. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Your narcissistic sister plotted this series of moves for years. She was always attracted to your man and didn’t make it a secret.She was provocative in his presence but you kept waving her behaviors off, saying to yourself that she was naive and immature. After you married and had two children,narcissistic sis leaves for an urban center corporate career. She marries and quickly divorces. For a few years she dates heavily, one man after the other. Then during a vacation she comes to visit you and your family. You are happy to see her and have forgotten her many past moves toward your spouse. You feel trusting and at ease with her. Yet there is a constant low level gnawing thought in your mind.She has exhibited many narcissistic traits in the past.She is unempathc, self absorbed,ruthless to win at all costs, lies with ease and is very charming.

Your narcissistic sister has come back for one reason only—to take what she wants the most–your husband. That thought nags at you but you wave it off–“that couldn’t be possible.” Remember,everything is possible with a narcissist. They lack conscience and shame. Within a few weeks of her visit your suspicions are verified. She is having an affair with the man you love under your roof. This is heartbreaking. Yes, it does take two to dance and he is very culpable but the narcissist always seems to get her way, even if it destroys a family. I tell this story because it happens too often. It is a warning that you cannot ever trust narcissistic family members–sharing DNA does not guarantee loyalty. First, protect yourself by researching the narcissistic personality in-depth. When you hear the voice of intuition warning you—ALWAYS LISTEN.

Many women have been betrayed in this atrocious way. It is unbearable but they have fought back.In many cases they work with this trauma and loss through excellent psychotherapy, sever the relationship with the narcissistic sister and move forward with their unique gifts to form relationships of trust and meaning. To learn about the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com