Tag: Narcissistic Personality

The narcissistic mother’s shares the stage with no one—not even her lovely daughter. There are a some NMs who choose a daughter that will mirror the mother’s perfection and who becomes her living clone. The daughter’s beauty, mental brightness and other gifts are the reason that she is chosen as the quintessential narcissistic supply to keep mother’s ego fully inflated.

Daughters who are not chosen are treated very differently. Some are discarded out of hand and neglected—left to fend for themselves from the time they are young.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers refuse to be forced to play the role that mother has written. These daughters are are often very bright, attractive and have a mind of their own. Narcissistic mothers hold a deep envy of these offspring. They view this daughter as a threat to her power and control. They are obsessively envious of the daughter who can think for herself and is not willing to play the role of clone or discard. This daughter becomes mom’s enemy. Mother fears that this child will surpass her. As she becomes older (narcissists are terrified of aging) her daughter develops into a very attractive, intelligent young woman. The narcissistic mother tries every put down, verbal ambush, humiliation in her book of cruelties. Mother starts to call her the “problem daughter” who is unstable and unpredictable, causing the entire family horrific problems. These are mental inventions on the part of the narcissistic mother’s attempt to demean and diminish her daughter’s identity.

On an unconscious level the narcissistic mother cannot deal with her feelings of emptiness and self loathing. She projects these toxic feelings on to her child. Some daughters recognize early that they are the targets of their mother’s envy and recognize the pathology of their family. Many of them spend as much time away from mother’s psychopathology as possible. Some find other female figures –teachers, aunts, grandmothers–who appreciate them for their authentic selves and give them a secure place to express their feelings and thoughts.

Many of these daughters benefit from quality psychotherapy and work through the core issues of having an envious narcissistic mother. They recognized their entitlements as unique individuals capable of using all of their creative gifts and to participate in giving and receiving love and affection–becoming the human beings they were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic mothers are intolerant and disdainful of their daughter’s individuality from the beginning. Narcissistic mothers have the same psychopathological core but different styles of “mothering.” Putting this word in parentheses is meant to convey that these women are pseudo mothers. They are incapable of deep affection, emotional bonding or allow their child to be herself. They make every attempt to impose a false persona on their daughters. Narcissistic mothers are exceedingly cruel either through neglect or abuse or a combination of the two. The force of their lives is centered around themselves. Their daughters, if they are chosen for their intellectual gifts, beauty or talent, are molded to become perfect replicas of mother. They are forced to become puppets who will mirror back to the narcissistic mother her sublime image. Narcissistic mothers don’t permit their daughters to develop their own true identities. They are insensitive to their child’s special temperament and disposition. They have no understanding that they may have a daughter who is highly sensitive and intuitive. Narcissistic mothers often make fun of and deride the daughter who is finely tuned emotionally and psychologically and who is highly empathic. They tell this daughter she is weak; she needs to toughen up and be strong. She screams at her daughter:” You are too emotional. You are overly sensitive and react to everything that happens. What’s the matter with you? You cry about the smallest things; I’m beginning to think you have severe emotional problems–and on and on.

The chosen daughter gets all of the praise and adulation because she fits into the perfect narcissistic mother mold. As long as she stays in this role she is given the nicest room, lovely clothing, social opportunities—her mother’s perpetual blessings. In conversation the narcissistic mother always talks about this splendid “star” daughter “not the other ones.”

Unchosen daughters are either forgotten and often treated very abusively. Daughters of narcissistic mothres are always the target of their mother’s primitive unconscious projections. She pours her psychological venom on to them—nonstop.

Many of these daughters grow up not knowing who they really are. Mother has rejected them. Often the father is intimidated by the NM and when push comes to shove, he relinquishes his authority and steps in line with her because he fears his formidable wife.

Some of these daughters learn very early that mother doesn’t care about them even that she is hated; that she is being cruelly pushed aside. There are daughters who secretly maintain their true identities. They turn to books, to art, to writing, to journaling, to Nature to find respite and peace and to nurture and preserve the fire of their individuality.
These daughters are true heroes. Some of them find mentors and mother substitutes—other family members–aunts, grandmothers, teachers, mothers of friends to whom they can turn to share their true selves. These women listen, take them in, understand them and nourish them.

Some daughters of NMs leave home early to escape from this psychologically poisonous environment. They learn to chart their own course. They use their unique gifts. There is a small voice inside of them that says: ” You are a unique individual who deserves respect and understanding.” “I am not my mother; I am myself and I accept and love myself.”

Sometimes the ability to see themselves this way involves going through psychotherapy with an excellent clinician. The daughter of a narcissistic mother takes a journey back to the original self. There she discovers that her horizons are unlimited, that her creative gifts are intact, that she is capable of giving and receiving love and kindness and deserves to experience deep inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When you are married to a narcissist you life has been commandeered by a selfish, demanding, egotistical and unempathic man. In the beginning he will dazzle you and sweep you up in his grandiose dreams. You believe them and want to share every aspect of your life with him. This is especially true if the narcissist is high-level, meaning that this person is highly gifted with charm, a keen intellect, professional success and the capacity of persuasion. These men are masters of disguise. When you meet them, you feel an automatic pull to them. Your body responds erotically to them; you can’t say no. You may hear a small voice inside telling you that this is dangerous but you override it and proceed with the romantic drama. Many women have a dream of the man who will complete or rescue them. Even women who are fiercely independent and successful in their own rights are taken off guard by these master method actors of irresistible charm. They weave you into their web. They tell you that you are the chosen one–that they have been looking for you all of their lives. They are very clever with words and nonverbal moves. They know when to rush in to cinch the deal. They are at the top of their game when they are seducing the chosen woman—You.

A few years after the wedding or even sooner, the relationship falters. The sharp barbs and sarcastic remarks directed at you becoming a daily occurrence. The times of any peace in the house lessen. You notice that you are being treated as an object—-There is no respect for you as an individual. As the months and years accrue, the venomous projections mount. You feel their sting. You are emotionally wounded and doubt yourself. You try to change–to go along with your spouse’s demands. This doesn’t work. You realize that this man is in love with himself. The deception and lies escalate. There is verbal abuse and at times physical abuse. In many cases the husband takes over the finances and starts to spirit away your collective financial stability.

Finally the wife of the narcissist wakes up and recognizes that she has been exploited brutally. She is both wasting her life and despising herself. Often there is a major blowup that reveals in colored lights that you are married to a narcissistic personality disorder. Many wives have been reading about narcissistic personality for some time. They put the puzzle pieces together and with shock see on the page that they are reading that their husband has a very disorder–narcissistic personality. She also comes to terms with the fact that these personalities cannot change. They are fixed as a grandiose false self. Narcissists believe they are perfect and superior to everyone, that they never make mistakes, that they are terrific people, that they are invincible.

A time of reckoning comes when the psychologically besieged spouse must make a decision whether to stay in the marriage or seek a divorce. In most cases the latter decision is the better choice. It takes a lot of effort and can be very complex and difficult, but there are so many instances of success for the non-narcissistic spouse and the improvement of her entire life on every level after the divorce and severing a relationship that was never a true marriage. The partner is free now to lead her own life, to breathe deeply in solitude, to ramp up the use of her creative gifts, to explore genuine relationship, to say Yes to life on her terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

We are always in the process of evolving. We feel the internal gashes, blows and deep bruises of childhood cruelty and maternal deprivation, especially if we are children of a narcissistic mother. This is one of the greatest challenges in life. There are those who have that moment of awakening and recognize that there mother is a narcissistic personality. Something deep inside them stirs and says they must free themselves of this deep wound. They are determined to break from the psychological and emotional shackles of the parent who never was.

This insight about your narcissistic mother puts you on the path to healing yourself. Your are a unique human being—an invaluable one. Although you may share the DNA of your mother and father and your ancestors, you are not them. You will never be on the face of the earth again–Your special imprint will never appear again past, present, future. You have time left to fulfill the evolution of your original self–the person you were meant to be.

Healing often begins with grieving the mother you did not have. You feel like crying. You are infuriated by all of the years of brainwashing, cruelties, put-downs, constant verbal abuse that has made you wonder if you are too blame. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Always remember this. You didn’t ask to be the child of this mother. An aspect of your healing very many is to sever the “relationship” with this non mother. Other members of the family may object or wonder what you are doing. WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS, NOT THE OTHER PARENT,NOT OTHER SIBLINGS, NOT IN-LAWS –MATTERS. THIS IS YOUR DECISION TO HEAL.

Individuals heal in different ways. Let yourself cry, Give yourself the solitude and time that it takes to move through this process. Some individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Make sure that you interview a couple of therapists and make sure that are not narcissists or people who have a strong money motive.

There are a number of healing modalities including gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on the breath, sitting and walking meditation, the company and contact with a couple of friends who care deeply about you and are available at any time. Spontaneous writing done consistently without editing gives your a portal to your feelings and access to your creativity. If you draw and paint, do this–Start a healing art book. Remember, no judgements. Look at yourself. Give yourself love and credit for your psychological survival under horrendous childhood circumstances. I have a deep commitment to those who are children of narcissistic mothers. I am amazed by their compassion and kindness. I am honored by their presence in the world.
Keep evolving–there are no limits—keep loving–Keep giving solace to others as you have all of your life.
You will find peace and your gifts will expand and deepen. We are so fortunate to share a place with you in the world. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph..D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@the narcissistinyourlife.com

This is the second part of the post about narcissistic sisters and the extraordinary cruelties and treacheries they endure. Even as small children the narcissistic sister may even try to smother the little one. They hit, spit on, pinch her making sure they don’t leave any marks.

The meanness and deception starts very early. One scenario is that the narcissistic sister is the golden, chosen one picked by the mother to be her perfect child. She is mother’s echo. Mother worships her and molds her into a perfect replica of herself. Mother is so obsessed with this child that she puts no limits on her. She can perpetrate any physical or emotional cruelty on the other children without consequences. The father is psychologically dependent on the mother—He’s a baby in a grown up body.

The narcissistic matriarch tyrannically runs the entire family including in-laws, nieces, her own mother. Everyone is intimidated by her. She is masterful at the charm offensive. Her many masks are grandly displayed and highly convincing. Most people believe that she has a very fine character. This is all a lie.

When the front door is firmly shut, the narcissistic mother is a seething Medusa–deadly venomous snakes writhing on her head. Each dancing snake is coiled — ready to spew deadly venom. This is the traumatic experience of the unfavored daughter of the NM and the narcissistic sister.

The sister who is victimized by her narcissistic sister learns how to hide–at times literally. I have known children who found a hiding place under their houses. They learned to keep very quiet for hours to avoid confrontation. These sisters live in constant fear. When mother is out the narcissistic sister pounces. Sometimes she invites her cruel friends to join in on the attack. The narcissistic sister tells her little sibling that if she says anything to anyone about the cruel games they have played on her—she will be sent away and will never come back to her family. Young children believe this kind of lie and experience a deeper terror.

Narcissistic sisters do hate their siblings. They are constantly projecting the toxic contents of their unconscious on to those who have no power over them. They are bullies without conscience or limits. When the impulse rises in them to strike out, they do, without a second thought.

Siblings who are treated with this mortal form of cruelty and sadism often find a way to leave the home very early. Some of them literally leave with a small suitcase and a little cash and seek out friends they can stay with. Anything is better than this day and night relentless torture.

These daughters live to tell the tale, work to heal themselves and develop their creative gifts. They find friends who appreciate their unique compassion and genuineness. These sisters replace the hatred reaped upon them with love and compassion for those who enter their lives. Many of them benefit from excellent psychotherapy, practice of healing the body/mind–gentle hatha yoga, cardiovascular exercise (what works for you) and making full use of their creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When you live with or are married to a narcissist you are in psychological danger. Once you have recognized who this person really is–a pernicious, totally selfish, often vicious and vengeful human being–make your exit. Previous spouses and partners of narcissists are often drawn back into the narcissist’s lair with promises of having everything they want. A narcissist knows how to “apologize” and make up. He offers you the most tempting rewards. He says that he has changed and learned from his mistakes. This is his run of lies that sound so appealing—He took you for granted. He cheated on you and now says he was a bad person. He adeptly puts on his humble act. That’s what this is —-Acting- Method acting in its highest form. He wants you back as one of his narcissistic supplies. You are an integral part of his image (which is his reality). You may have other assets that he covets–social and business connections, high professional standing. He knows that he can fool you again. Don’t fall for the “changed man” “I saw the Light” routine.

Narcissists are fixed personality disorders that do not change. They are etched in early childhood. Many of these men are golden boys who learned by the age of five that they were perfect and superior and that they could use and abuse anyone to get to their goal.

You hear the familiar words, the music begins—Don’t grant the narcissist another dance!!!!!
Create your own production. Get the professional help you may need. Surround yourself with a small cohesive support system. Pay attention to your intuition. Take good care of your body, mind and spirit.
You will recover and prevail. Study the features of the narcissistic personality. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The despicable truth about narcissistic mothers is that they don’t raise their children–They give birth to them–that’ it. I have had many a narcissistic mother tell me that she was bored with little children—babies and toddlers in particular. “They are so boring. Why would I want to spend time with them when I could be moving forward with my career. I have it all planned out. Babies get in your way.” My question to myself is Why the hell did you have children” Sometimes there is a whoops but that is an exception.Narcissistic mothers often plan the spacing between their children. They want one right after the other so that they can get it over with. They spend the absolute minimum amount of time on maternity leave, drop the pregnancy fat with hours of working out at the gym. Having their figures back is far more important than taking care of their infants Narcissistic “mothers” do not bond with their children and that is psychologically detrimental to an infant and baby. If they have the means they hire expensive nannies who will take over as surrogate parents for a high price. Now the narcissistic mother can brag about how much her child is learning and that she has a high pedigree nanny–and that she is going to soon reach the pinnacle of her career. She can do it all. Really? Babies take a lot of actual time and it is not the most scintilating experience every moment taking care of them. They cry, puke, poop, scream while teething, defy you as they move toward individuation,become ill in the middle of the night and run high fevers. They often test your patience. This is all part of raising a child.

Narcissistic mothers have it very easy. They take all of the credit for having their children. They carry pictures around on their cell phones. They buy clothes for them so the kids present the perfect image. They indulge their children materially—but they do not pay real attention and attune to their children. There is no psychological attachment. This is a serious problem.

They are involved with their careers and the social swirl of work. Some of these women are traveling constantly and even if they are married their spouse is a workaholic. When you have two narcissistic parents, neither party is raising the child. The psychological damage is incalcuable and takes its toll throughout the child’s life. Narcissistic mothers see their children infrequently. When they get home the child is already in bed. In the morning mother has already left and the child is left with a baby sitter or nanny.

Some mothers have to put their children in childcare when the baby is very young.This is necessary because they have to work and there are no family members who can take care of them. These mothers love and are very devoted to their children. Bless them–they are doing the best job they can under very difficult circumstances.

I have come across too many narcissistic mothers–past and present. It is tragic for their children. Many of these children turn out to be incredibly empathic human beings. i have seen this often. They deserve tremendous credit. They are caring, kind human beings–always thinking of others.

To learn about every facet of the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

If you are seriously thinking about divorcing your narcissistic husband/wife, don’t give any indication–verbal or nonverbal that this is your intention. Narcissists are incapable of introspection or insight but they are uncanny in detecting when you are on to them and headed for divorce court. Be sure that you have made detailed plans to protect your personal assets and the part of the shared property, investments, bank accounts, etc to which you are entitled. Research and interview more than one attorney. Personal recommendations can be of great value but an individual that is effective for one person may not be successful in your situation. Make a clear appraisal. The attorney must be highly skilled in his/her field. In addition he must have a clear understanding of the character traits of the narcissistic personality. That doesn’t mean he must be an expert. He needs to be very savvy about highly manipulative people who lie, have no conscience, are completely ruthless and are dirty players. Expect the opposing attorney to be very tough, chronically lie, be highly manipulative and intimidating. He/she has a charming and go below the belt if he/she can get away with it.

One of the most common schemes of the narcissist is to put all of the assets including properties, bank accounts, stocks in his name. I have communicated with spouses who were absolutely stunned to find out that their financial security had beenr ripped away from them years before they decided to seek a divorce. Don’t put anything past the narcissist. It is strategically wise to play his role–think the way he does. How is he plotting to ruin you financially. What schemes does he have up his sleeve. Is he talking to gullible family members against you? Is he using a business partner to hold his assets (and yours) as a way of playing “I don’t have anything–You can’t get money out of a stone.”

Once you make the decision to go ahead with the divorce, don’t get pulled in the narcissist’s empty promises—this is a ruse, an undertow that will pull you back down.

Form a strong support group. Seek psychotherapy if you think it will help you through the process. Be sure you choose a therapist who is not a narcissist–Yes there are some who are in this profession.

Choose healing routines–gentle yoga poses, slow stretching with the breath that is relaxing and loosens tightened muscles, spending some time outside and feel the breeze (get some natural vitamin d), listening to music you love and let it permeate you, singing or chanting spontaneously, laughing your head off with a friend just being silly—-and many more that you will discover.

Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality (their numbers are growing). Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. He/she is merciless. If you are in the full bloom of his infatuation with you–then you are The One and he won’t let you forget it. This phase doesn’t last long. You may believe that he still loves you (He never did–Narcissists are incapable of love). This is not true. He is just barely going through the motions. In fact not long after the marriage, a few years, months, decades, depending on his fancy and other opportunities he has for other women to adore him., he wants you out of his life–the quicker the better.

If you get sick he doesn’t give a damn. If you get real sick, he is inconvenienced and pissed. “You drive yourself to the hospital. You’re putting on an act–I can tel and it’s not convincing.” This has really happened. Believe it, this is how cold and disgusting these individuals can be when their adoring audience is not present. He pretends to care about your welfare but this is all show. His relatives and friends think he is an extraordinary person–a great family man. Really!!! It is not unusual after the marriage is in dark distress for the narcissistic husband to flip the entire family to his side. Don’t catch yourself flat footed. Remember, without a conscience the narcissist is morally agile–he can go in any direction he wants at high speed. Others have to think and weigh the consequences of their judgements: Will this hurt someone? Will I hurt this person’s feelings? The narcissist doesn’t go through this exercise—ever. He forges ahead in the fast lane of his life and no one else matters.

So, you must learn to care about your own life and appreciate every gift that you have, every kindness you have shown to others and those that you will bestow in the future. Appreciate that you think about the feelings of others before you act–that you have a well developed conscience–that you are merciful to those who are vulnerable, afraid, weak and debilitated. And today there are so many of these people—living alone, barely holding on. You will find them and ease their suffering. You are a real human being. You have compassion and that is scarce these days. As you grow and individuate you will psychologically leave the narrow cruel life of the narcissist behind. You will continue to grow and re-create your life. I wish you my very best. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com