Tag: Narcissistic Personality

Daughters of narcissistic mothers learn early that something vital is missing from their lives. They may live in a household that appears to be normal. Everything is organized. The children are fed and kept safe. But where is the affection and warmth that they need so desperately from their mother. That is the missing piece that causes such horrible distress to each daughter of a narcissistic mother. In some instances the father is able to compensate for the mother’s lack of understanding and empathy. He is warm; he listens; he keeps his promises. He plays with his children and listens to them. Some daughters have aunts who take on the role of mother or even a grandmother or grandfather. There are some daughters who have to depend on themselves. Some of these children know very early that they must fend for themselves and they do this with great courage. This takes place against the barrage of criticisms, sarcastic remarks and dismissiveness of the narcissistic non-mother. These daughters become intellectually independent very young. Despite all of their efforts and accomplishments, the narcissistic mother wound is still there.

Adult daughters long to heal. In communications with some of these brave women I hear that they have taken their own pathway. Some have benefited from quality psychotherapy. Others find inner peace and a sense of belonging in a consistent practice of meditation. They discover that as the mind is quieted they get in touch with the deep inner loving part of themselves and feel their own warmth and compassion. This is a powerful process that transcends who we had as a mother or father. As meditation deepens as a practice it can become a pathway toward deep inner healing. Gentle hatha yoga is an excellent companion practice with meditation. Here the emphasis is on the breath. Focusing on the breath in the moment as each pose is done, quiets the nervous system, focuses the mind and gets you in touch with that serene vibration of love within you. This is who you really are. Embrace yourself. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Widely distributed
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Each daughter of a narcissistic mother is unique. Her life experiences are specific to her but there are common psychological dilemmas daughters of narcissistic mothers share. As a small child she was never appreciated for herself as an individual. Even if she was the chosen one, the star of the family, this daughter was not allowed to be her real self. Some daughters of narcissists become narcissistic themselves. Most often this is not the case. The daughters of these mothers suffer horribly under the cruel dictatorship of insensitive, demanding, cold mothers who impose themselves on their children. Some daughters are used as scapegoats by the mother. This is one of the most painful and difficult roles for a young child. There is no peace or respite for these daughters. Many of them make themselves invisible and do everything they can to be out of mother’s line of fire. There are daughter who spend their childhood and adulthoods in sadness, confusion, anger and guilt. They feel invalidated by the narcissistic mother at every turn. The constant criticisms, put downs, demeaning comments and cruel manipulations reverberate deeply within them. Some daughters keep returning to the mother for love which she is incapable of giving.

The goal of each daughter of a narcissistic mother is to reclaim her life—-a life that was commandeered by a woman who is not a real mother. In some cases the daughter was able to obtain comfort and acceptance from the father, a grandmother, aunt or a family friend.

One of the first steps to healing is recognizing that mother is a narcissistic personality disorder that will not change. Another part of the process is grieving over the mother that you didn’t have. You are a special human being,not a possession of a woman who has no understanding or empathy. This is a difficult step and old pain comes to the surface. Being able to deal with the loss and the recognition by the daughter that she is a valuable separate person in her own right. This represents a great movement toward individuation and personal freedom.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers are helped by quality psychotherapy with a clinician who has clinical expertise on the narcissistic personality disorder. The nest step is a transition of turning around how the daughter experiences herself. This begins with her understanding that she shares her mother’s DNA but not her characterlogical attributes. As time moves forward these daughters discover and develop their unique creative gifts. This movement toward creativity is essential in making a clear break as a separate person who deserves to feel whole and independent. Many healing modalities are effective in moving in this direction. One pathway is through practices like gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath. When we breathe through a pose we are enlivened and calmed at the same time. Yoga can be done on any level. It is highly adaptable to the individual. Another regular routine is developing your own meditation practice. Meditation is a personal activity. Learning to be at peace with yourself is invaluable to healing. Discovering your own expression of creativity is invaluable in redefining yourself. Some daughters discover that journaling and writing regularly is a freeing experience that allows them to express and appreciate what is deep inside and needs to be treasured. Some daughters discover that helping other women who have been victimized by these mothers is part of their healing. It is time now to reach out for the life that you deserve. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in books and e-books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Narcissists live in a world of their own making. For the classic narcissist it is larger than life to suit his enormous ego. They stand at the center of the universe—everything and everyone revolves around them. Those who are married to narcissists, children of narcissists or siblings of narcissists are keenly aware that there isn’t enough room for them in this view of reality. The narcissist is highly deluded. He/she believes that he is perfect, incapable of making mistakes, ruthlessly self absorbed and willing to psychologically endanger even his wife and children to get what he wants. Some spouses of narcissists are so mesmerized by them that they are psychologically fused and are unable to distinguish themselves from their partner. In spite of this some of those who share a comfortable lifestyle with the narcissist continue to fool themselves that they are truly loved. The narcissist cannot love or be intimate with another human being. Many are deluded, spending much of their lives wishing rather than facing reality. At times we are swept away and impressed with people who are highly successful and appear to have it all, without considering that they are not human beings of integrity. They are shallow, empty, venal, ruthless and superficial. It is their worldly acquisitions and their power reach that impress the majority of people today. This is all part of the narcissistic style which has become predominant among a large portion of our population.

Many of those psychologically abused by the narcissist in their roles of spouse, child or sibling finally wake up and recognize that this individual suffers from a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Spouses of narcissists can decide to stay in this abusive relationship and make the most of their constrained lives. You cannot be yourself; you are suffocating from the narcissist’s overwhelming role in your life; you are not free to be creative and you have no inner peace. Severing a relationship with a narcissist is not easy but it can be done. It is a grand leap from delusion to truth—your truth. Those who have taken this initiative with courage and perseverance discover that they are now living with the truth about themselves, have their life opening and expanding in front of them and are free to determine their own destinies. If they have children, they have given them a greater chance of becoming whole solid human beings who seek and experience truth over delusion.

Major life decisions are worth all of the hard work, effort and stamina that they take. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Each moment lived in truth is a great achievement. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as a book and e-Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The covert narcissist, who can be difficult to identify until you have been bitten by him or her, flies under the radar. They wear the dress and manner of civility, empathy (of course finely tuned false empathy) and humility. This is their masterful facade—Covert narcissists are often mistaken for caring human beings who value your well being above yours.The covert narcissist is not grandiose. In the beginning he doesn’t brag about himself.

He appears to look up to you. The covert narcissist works on your ego needs to feel special, important, bright, talented. These individuals are great performers. How self sacrificing and dutiful can you get!

If you are a good catch as a marital partner (You are a well respected professional; you come from a prominent well connected family; you have an enviable financial portfolio) the covert narcissist is stepping over himself with compliments. You are superior, brilliant, talented, accomplished—the most extraordinary person he has ever met. It isn’t long before the CN has control of your feelings. You have fallen for him. You are lapping up the narcissistic supplies as the CN is throwing bouquets of roses at your feet. You feel adored for the first time in your life.

You marry the CN. It doesn’t take long for the dark side of the CN to appear behind closed doors. The core narcissistic personality is revealed in all of its ugliness–the demands, non stop criticisms, accusations, recriminations, manipulations. Barrages of insults fill the air; you are suffocating with anxiety. The spouse of the narcissist is worn down and exhausted, living in a state of ongoing apprehension, anxiety and hyper vigilance.

The disparity between the humble, charming facade of the CV and his real nature is astounding. Often the psychologically injured spouse is not believed. and further abused. Isolated, worn down and desperate the covert narcissist swoops in to take you down—financially, emotionally, psychologically. He finds another willing partner—someone else whom he can fool, use and abuse. To protect yourself and learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as a book and eBook
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Being married to a narcissist is an extraordinary life experience.There are time sequences of highs but ghastly lows. Living with a narcissist is like being in a war zone under constant incoming fire.

Narcissistic spouses never stop injecting into the lives of their spouses. With their constant tantrums, screaming fits that go on for hours, criticisms that cut you to the quick and an unending lack of empathy.

When your are married to a narcissist your nervous system takes a beating.You are constantly
in a hyper vigilant state—waiting for the next horrendous shoe to drop.Those who share their married lives with narcissists are always in flight or fight mode—the sympathetic nervous system.
In this state the adrenal glands are pushed to the limit and exhaustion sets in. If the stress becomes overwhelming, chronic illnesses can develop. Some spouses are willing (at times unconsciously) to give up their physical health and emotional well being to the narcissist.

Those who recognize that they can no longer tolerate the emotional, psychological and physiological pain and stress chronically projected upon them, make the decision to sever the relationship.through divorce or separation. With the help of good psychotherapy and other healing modalities, they awaken to the realization that their lives have intrinsic value as separate human beings, that they are entitled to use all of their gifts and capacities and that they deserve the benefits of deep inner peace. I have communicated with many spouses who have reached this new shore and are now leading their lives in hope, personal freedom and the full expression of themselves as valuable individuals. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book:amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Widely distributed as books and e-Books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

In many narcissistic families you have a child who is pronounced “golden” by one or both of the parents. One example is the narcissistic mother who picks her eldest son as the Perfect One. These narcissistic mothers are psychologically fused with this child. They know that he is perfect from the day of birth and treat him like a prince. An extreme example if that of Frank Lloyd Wright’s mother Anna who adored her baby Frank, knew that he was superior and perfect and never set any limits on his behavior. She clung to him–so strong was her psychological fusion with him. Wright could never disentangle himself from her. He both loved and hated Anna.
Wright is a classic grandiose narcissistic personality with tremendous creative talent. A pioneer in architecture who designed innovative incredible homes and office buildings, in his private life was a horror. He psychologically victimized his wives and children, starting with wife number one and six children whom he abandoned to move to Europe to live the sweet life with a mistress.

The narcissistic older brother grows up knowing he can do whatever he wants. He has no limits or boundaries, nor is he capable of empathy. These brothers from hell taunt and abuse their brothers and sisters, treating them with disdain and scorn. Some narcissistic older brothers are sadistic and terrorize the younger children.

Throughout his life the NOB stays at the top of narcissistic mother’s most favored list, especially if there is an estate or property involved. He uses his position at the “beloved by mother” to gain complete control all of the material wealth. The father has been out of the picture from the beginning. Narcissistic mothers cast their husbands aside to fuse with the eldest son. When mother dies, the eldest son is bequeathed the entire estate and his siblings are left with paltry sums or nothing. This scenario is not rare. It happens quite often in the real world and speaks clearly about the entrenched power of the pathological fusion between the narcissistic mother and her narcissistic son. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book:amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as a book and e-book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists appear to be inhuman—They are inhumane! If you think you can change one of these individuals, forget it. Most of them are molded from early childhood as grandiose false selves that wear a mask that appears to be real. The outer image is irresistible–Beauty, handsomeness, magnetism, sexuality, pseudo empathy, extreme confidence, brightness and brilliance. These are some of the qualities of the high flying narcissists who make it big in our world today.The number of narcissists we are producing is increasing faster than we can keep count. Our current society rewards them for their worldly success despite the number of people they have emotionally injured; those they have left financially immobilized; people who have become physically ill from the stress of living with them decade after decade.

When you are at your lowest emotional ebb the narcissistic spouse, mother or sibling will verbally pounce, assaulting you without mercy. They are determined to destroy you. They cry out that they are the injured party; you are making their life intolerable when it is quite the opposite.

These cruelties become particularly magnified during a divorce from a narcissist. They are never fair. If you agree to give them a fair split of the properties and investments they demand more. They hire attorneys to intimidate you into complete capitulation. They wear you down night and day—they have great stamina for fighting dirty. Remember, you have a conscience and care deeply about other human beings. They don’t. It’s as if the capacity for compassion was never in their genes. There is no narcissistic gene. These merciless individuals are created in the familial crucibles of childhood.

Learn to identify narcissists early so that you don’t become enmeshed with them. If you must interact with a narcissist, you have a heads up on their true natures. Your knowledge of them strengthens your position. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in book form and as an e-Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Shame is an uncomfortable emotion most of us experience. When we are shamed, we feel like we want to disappear, to become invisible. Shame is an intolerable feeling. We are humiliated and feel very small, even non-existent. Children who have been shamed by their parent (s) often carry these feelings into adulthood. Deeply ingrained shame can lead to a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness and not having a solid resilient sense of self.

The narcissistic personality is the opposite. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) He or she can commit the cruelest acts and say the meanest words to another with the intention of hurting them and feel absolutely no shame or guilt as a result. A narcissist can watch the withering blows that his raging has on his victim and not even blink. He views this person as weak and insignificant, someone who is worthless. Narcissists have no sense of limits. They lead their lives without the borders of decency, compassion or conscience. Their speed on life’s highway is always full throttle even when their malicious and careless behaviors psychological, financially and emotionally harm the lives of others, even their own families. Narcissists go to any lengths to get what they want. If a sibling is in the way of their collecting on a parent’s will, they will make sure that they become very cozy with their elderly relative, spread convincing lies about the brother or sister and successfully pressure the aging parent to let them take charge of all of their financial matters. This happens all the time.

Narcissists are particularly shameful when it comes to personal, intimate relationships, including marriage. To most narcissists, marriage is not a true union—it is a one sided business deal. Narcissists write their own marriage vows–“I will do what works for me. When you (my spouse) no longer fulfill my needs or desires or my narcissistic supplies, I will discard you without notice.” This is the unstated but true marriage deal that one makes with a narcissist. Even if a marriage lasts for several decades you can be sure that the narcissistic partner is doing a lot of “sexual free-lancing” on the side. Narcissists are highly skilled at juggling women. If the narcissistic partner is exposed, he tells an easy lie and moves on.

Narcissists are not good parents. They are too self absorbed, greedy and self entitled to give their attention and care to a small child. They will make sure that the family photos are seen by all of those who count. This is part of their elaborate image that must be perpetuated. They are not hands on parents. Children of narcissistic parents often speak of how they were abandoned, forgotten or never remembered. Mother or father was too busy working and having a good time to be with kids. Some narcissistic parents buy their kids off, offering them gifts rather than affection, attention or empathy. The narcissistic parent believes that he is a good human being and has done everything possible for his children.

In some instances the narcissistic mother or father chooses one child who is a standout–pretty, handsome, very bright, talented–to be the perfect reflection of themselves. They mold this child in their likeness and believe that he or she can do no wrong and is superior to the other children. Unfortunately, some of these children become narcissists who grow up to be shameful and shameless, cruel and duplicitous like their parent (s).

Become knowledgeable about the narcissistic personality. Appreciate who you are as an individual.  Draw clear psychological boundaries, especially with narcissistic personalities. Take very good care of yourself. Use your creative gifts. You will find and nourish relationships of genuine caring and trust.

I hear too many life stories that begin continue and end with great psychological pain and regret that involve having children with a narcissistic spouse. Very often the non-narcissistic spouse has no idea that he or she has fallen in love with a narcissistic personality. After all, these individuals are so full of charm, confidence and they appear to be so enamored of us. How can we resist them! Many people can’t and don’t know whom they are marrying. When the time comes to have children, there are no questions or doubts. The non-narcissistic spouse has had some inklings that she is married to a person who is very self absorbed, selfish, emotionally cool, is subject to forms of rage and ranting and is incapable of taking another person’s feelings and concerns to heart.

The time of reckoning often comes with the arrival of children. The narcissistic spouse is not invested in the daily and lifelong commitments to being emotionally available, loving, caring, affectionate with his/her child. Some narcissists are workaholics (that’s what they say when they are not at home) and have a hand’s off attitude toward their children. They go through the motions. There is a short morning greeting and maybe a goodnight hug. Very often the narcissistic parent sees very little of his children during the week. On weekends he is out with his buddies playing golf, riding his motorcycle, going to a favorite watering hole with friends. When the child wants to see daddy or mommy these narcissistic parents are buried in their work they brought home. They shut the home office door and are completely uncommunicative. Many children of narcissistic parents report that they rarely saw their mother and/or father. They were on their own most of the time. Lonely days after school if both people are working and one or even two narcissistic parents make for painful psychological feelings of rejection, worthlessness, sadness, deep anger, psychological numbing.

If you strongly suspect that the person you are planning to marry —DON’T. If you believe that your spouse is a narcissist and have done the research—don’t have children with this person. Narcissists make our lives much more difficult if not impossible. And what they do to children is emotionally dreadful. Some of their children become narcissists themselves and move on to hurt others and the cycle is unending.

If you are married to a narcissist and have children, do your best. Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know whom you had married. You will love and protect them every way you can. If you decide to sever the relationship, know that you have the strength and knowledge to do this. Trust your intuition, your support group of friends and your personal psychological solidity to get through this process. Move forward with your life with a steady, solid step, knowing that you have done your best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com