Narcissistic Ex-Spouses Psychologically Poison Their Children

Remember that narcissists are without conscience or shame. They will
never apologize for some horrible trauma they have caused you or your
children. In fact, they blame every calamity on you. They twist the
truth like a warm pretzel. Some spouses believe their lives are great because they
have been brainwashed over the years. Others are
immersed in the lifestyle that he/she  provides for them. There are too
many trips, parties, lovely possessions, gifts and all the other
distractions that keep them deluded by the fantasies of having what they
want. They are like children in a candy store with unlimited amounts of
money to buy every treat they can reach.

When the
marriage disintegrates and the nasty divorce dance is over, there are custody arrangements. These always cause problems. With half and half custody the narcissistic ex-spouse
spends enough time with his/her children to psychologically poison them
against the other parent. They tell outright lies to the point of
describing an affair that the other spouse had. None of this is true.
The children find  this information very alarming. What makes this even
worse is the narcissistic ex-spouse swears the children to secrecy.
Don’t say a word; this is between you and me. Narcissists thrive on
secrets. It makes them feel powerful. They control others with this
mendacity. It pits one person against the other and weakens them. They
are sadistic and love to watch others twist in the wind and lose their
psychological footing.

Maintaining a loving, open,
close relationship with your children is key to offsetting the
psychological poison of the narcissistic ex-spouse. When the
relationship is solid and loving, your children will tell you exactly
what is going on when you are not in their presence. We only need one
good loving parent or a parent surrogate.

Use your intuition and you will know what your ex-spouse is cooking up. You can smell the aromas of his deceptive stew of lies. You have the drop on him. You know the truth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

 

 

Narcissistic Spouses Seek Revenge Taking A Pound of Your Flesh

Narcissists are always on the take. They are aggressive, unempathic, merciless and driven to get exactly what they want. If you have been married to one for years or decades, you must know that they don’t care about your feelings. They are using you for their own purposes. Everyone in their lives is expendable. They can and will replace you. Narcissistic spouses wear you down to the nub. If you are emotionally and psychologically vulnerable, you are at particular risk.

If you want to stay in the narcissist’s favor, you must mirror them perfectly. Regardless of how perfect you are and how well you follow their orders, it is never enough. If you cross them and become more independent, they seek revenge.  Since they don’t have a conscience to slow them down, they go right for the jugular. They take their pound of your flesh. They kick you when you are down and take control of mutual financial assets. They know how to whisk them away in secret, leaving you vulnerable and at their mercy.

If you wait too long to divorce them and they have the upper hand, the narcissist holds the best cards. He slaps you when you are down. I know of situations of narcissistic husbands refusing to help a spouse who was physically ill. She had to drive herself to the hospital.

Narcissistic husbands and narcissistic wives out of revenge will work the mediators and courts to get custody of your children. They hire attorneys who are slick, hungry beasts. 

Arm yourself with research about the true nature of the narcissist. Recognize that this person cannot change. This is a fixed personality disorder. Don’t be pulled back into the pseudo marriage by his empty promises and pitiful martyr performances. Be prepared for his tawdry act but know that he will seek revenge, get it and never look back. The narcissist is hard and cold, like a piece of stone.

Make your move to sever the relationship soon rather than later. You have courage and talents and your life ahead of you. Many before you have made this break and discovered that at the end of the tunnel there is freedom, inner peace and an expansion of your creative gifts. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sadistic Narcissistic Mothers Aim Knives at Your Heart

Some narcissistic mothers hated you before you were born. They didn’t
want children. They were obsessed with their careers and climbing to
the very top. (Every woman who climbs to the top in her career is not a
narcissist.)  This often includes finding a man that will be a
reflection of their perfection. Narcissistic women often choose weak men
whom they can completely control.

Narcissistic women
have no substance, conscience, compassion or empathy. They are highly
ambitious, very bright, exceedingly driven and determined to reach the
pinnacles of power. Narcissistic women have children not because they
are capable of love but to use as narcissistic supplies that will
burnish their external image. They can say they have it all and can do
it all. Their children are often taken care by babysitters and nannies
from the beginning of their lives. Their children are narcissistic
supplies, especially the kid that is chosen as the golden child. This
child is claimed perfect from the beginning and often becomes a budding
narcissist.

The worst narcissistic mothers are highly
sadistic. They obtain pleasure from terrifying you. When you are a baby
they startle you with their loud voice or allow the other children to
pinch you and pretend that this is a funny game. Narcissists
unconsciously despise themselves. They project their self hatred on to
their children, especially those she has placed in the role of
scapegoat. 

Some of the children of narcissistic
mothers describe their childhoods as unbearable. They were constantly
hanging on by an emotional thread waiting the moment of annihilation.
Narcissistic mothers aim knives at your heart. They attempt to
de-humanize you, to take away your integrity, to humiliate you. This
works with some children who simply give up the fight and hide in the
shadows and escape deep into their minds. Some children numb out and
freeze their feelings. The very sensitive child feels his/her sadistic
narcissistic mother’s knife pointed at her heart. She is a child caught
up in combat who feels her life psychologically endangered. The sadistic
mother thrills at watching her child in primal terror. Now she has
complete control over this person.

Keep your heart
open, secure and free. As the adult child of a narcissistic mother you
can heal. The process can take a long time. It requires consistent work
and some adult children find healing through professional psychotherapy.
Other strategies involve gentle hatha yoga, meditation in the form that
works for you, finding emotional support from friends whom you trust.
You can prevail and heal your psychological and emotional wounds and
strengthen yourself. To learn about every facet of narcissistic
personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Sadistic Narcissistic Mothers Aim Knives at Your Heart

Some narcissistic mothers hated you before you were born. They didn’t
want children. They were obsessed with their careers and climbing to
the very top. (Every woman who climbs to the top in her career is not a
narcissist.)  This often includes finding a man that will be a
reflection of their perfection. Narcissistic women often choose weak men
whom they can completely control.

Narcissistic women
have no substance, conscience, compassion or empathy. They are highly
ambitious, very bright, exceedingly driven and determined to reach the
pinnacles of power. Narcissistic women have children not because they
are capable of love but to use as narcissistic supplies that will
burnish their external image. They can say they have it all and can do
it all. Their children are often taken care by babysitters and nannies
from the beginning of their lives. Their children are narcissistic
supplies, especially the kid that is chosen as the golden child. This
child is claimed perfect from the beginning and often becomes a budding
narcissist.

The worst narcissistic mothers are highly
sadistic. They obtain pleasure from terrifying you. When you are a baby
they startle you with their loud voice or allow the other children to
pinch you and pretend that this is a funny game. Narcissists
unconsciously despise themselves. They project their self hatred on to
their children, especially those she has placed in the role of
scapegoat. 

Some of the children of narcissistic
mothers describe their childhoods as unbearable. They were constantly
hanging on by an emotional thread waiting the moment of annihilation.
Narcissistic mothers aim knives at your heart. They attempt to
de-humanize you, to take away your integrity, to humiliate you. This
works with some children who simply give up the fight and hide in the
shadows and escape deep into their minds. Some children numb out and
freeze their feelings. The very sensitive child feels his/her sadistic
narcissistic mother’s knife pointed at her heart. She is a child caught
up in combat who feels her life psychologically endangered. The sadistic
mother thrills at watching her child in primal terror. Now she has
complete control over this person.

Keep your heart
open, secure and free. As the adult child of a narcissistic mother you
can heal. The process can take a long time. It requires consistent work
and some adult children find healing through professional psychotherapy.
Other strategies involve gentle hatha yoga, meditation in the form that
works for you, finding emotional support from friends whom you trust.
You can prevail and heal your psychological and emotional wounds and
strengthen yourself. To learn about every facet of narcissistic
personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Narcissistic Couples Build Picture Perfect Lives

Perception is everything to the narcissist. We are talking about the
perfection of the external image that is shown to the world. Narcissists
are incapable of introspection, self analysis, insight, compassion and a
whole host of attributes that make a person human.

There
are men and women who discover one another and fall for their mirror
image. They are lost in the spell of its beauty and impeccability. The
style, confident manner, social sophistication bring these two people
together. The narcissistic pair have the same goals to make it in the
material world, to become part of an elite group that is lionized and
has special privileges. They worship indulgence and obsessively find
pleasure in creating external environments of luxury and excess. The
must always have the best. They are competitive with others in seeking
more extravagance in their possessions, lifestyles and the company they
keep. They are never satisfied and continue to climb.

There
is nothing happening inside of these narcissists who have coupled.
Their inner world is bleak, restless, empty. Beneath the surface, in the
depths of the unconscious lies self loathing and feelings of
worthlessness. They are overcompensating on the outside for what they do
not have on the inside. Many people are impressed by successful
narcissistic couples, especially if they don’t recognize these
individuals as highly pathological. In fact, they are entranced. They
seek out their company and become followers and imitators of their
mentors.

Look beyond the glitter, entourages, perfect
environments, faces and bodies to recognize that there is nothing that
these people have to offer you. Research the narcissistic personality
and learn how they operate and what motivates them. Understand their
duplicity and betrayals, the way they make other people’s lives,
intolerable. Take a simpler road away from the glitter and  sham they
have created and sell as real. Listen to the truth inside of you and
follow it. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality,
visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Men Despise Independent Women

Narcissists control others with the back of their hand. They have
learned this from childhood. Male narcissists were often controlled by
their mothers. Momma, mom, mother—adored them to use as her puppet and
her psychological partner. She chose her son over her husband. Some
adult male narcissists report that mother comes to visit the family and
in secret tells her son that she wants to go to dinner with him for a
“date.”  The narcissistic male is often psychologically possessed by his
mother. Unconsciously he grows to hate her. There is always an
ambivalence with mother,  a love/hate relationship. The male child
cannot be free and is emasculated.

Ironically,
narcissistic men love the chase and the seduction of women. If they are
married they often have numerous affairs, even hidden children in the
shadows. With each conquest they move on to the next. They never tire;
they are hungry for more females they can conquer.  If they are powerful
in the world and good looking and completely charming, they succeed on a
superficial level. They are voracious in their need to seduce.

Narcissistic
men despise women who are independently minded—those they cannot fool
and know instantly who they really are. Some women are so astute that
after a few flirtatious rounds they have picked up the scent of the
narcissist and turn their heads away. The narcissist cannot have them,
cannot bargain with them, cannot possess them. They are contained and
control their own lives—they are psychologically independent women.
Narcissistic men hate what they cannot own and control and abuse. The
narcissistic man is never free of the mother who controls him even after
her death.  She has put her imprint on his soul and it is indelible.

Narcissistic
men despise all women and independent ones in particular. If you are in
this category, celebrate. If you have been fooled by a narcissistic man
(and that includes a lot of us) but now know who they really are, give
yourself a hand. If you are just finding out that the man you are with
is a narcissist, keep doing your research. It is worth the effort. There
is a celebration ahead for you. Never stop digging for the truth.

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Is Your Mother a Histrionic Personality and a Narcissistic Personality

There are cases in which a child has a mother that has a dual
diagnosis. She is both a narcissistic personality and a histrionic personality disorder. The histrionic is noted by her compulsive need to be the center of attention at all times. She is given to fits of temper and is highly dramatic. These individuals are highly impulsive and no one can predict their next exact behavior. They disrupt parties, family gatherings, and public events without batting an eye. That is how emotionally labile they are. Combined with the HPD diagnosis you have a antisocial personality disorder. Completely self-absorbed, lacking empathy, incapable of emotional intimacy, selfish, self-centered, grandiose, manipulative, exploitative–that is at the core of the narcissistic personality. Being the child of this mother is extremely difficult.

There is no emotional or psychological bond or security with
this parent. The child is not cared for or cherished. She grows up
without emotional attachment to the mother and her deepest needs to be
cherished and treated as a unique individual are overlooked. Mother is
too immersed in herself to pay appropriate attention to her son or
daughter.

In many cases these mothers both histrionic
and narcissistic unconsciously project their self hatred on to their
children. They have no insight into themselves. These are fixed
personalities and do not change.  If there is a loving responsible other
parent, the child has a chance to go through the normal stages of
development and become a stable individual.

If you now
know that you mother was a dual diagnosis histrionic personality and
narcissistic personality—don’t blame yourself and begin to think she
could have been any different through any of your interventions. You did
not make her disturbed. She had a long history of psychopathology long
before you came on the scene.  Other members of the family are likely to
pressure you into believing that mom is normal, just a little
eccentric. You know that “There she goes again” attitude. This is not
true. Mother suffers from a dual diagnosis which is very serious.
Children who survive these mothers psychologically are extraordinary and
have great courage. Sometimes there are other family members who take
on the role of surrogate parent and provide the child with much needed
stability. Some children raise themselves, seeking the families of
friends, learning to keep themselves together with their minds in
solitude, study, art and other creative pursuits.

This
is one of the most difficult maternal backgrounds. Give yourself
tremendous credit. In many cases high quality psychotherapy can be very
helpful. Be sure to interview several therapists to find one that is
both clinically skilled, highly empathic and who is neither narcissistic
nor histrionic. Take very good care of yourself. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi,Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

From Budding Narcissist to Adult Narcissistic Scourge

Many of you have had the experience of watching a narcissist grow
from early childhood into adulthood. You heard the ear shattering
tantrums, saw the parents make no attempt to get their “golden child” to
behave. Their efforts were feeble because from the beginning he/she was
never corrected for inconsiderate and boorish behavior. This child was
considered special from the beginning–a little king or queen who was
raised to the highest pinnacles. I have been astounded and chagrined by
the outrageous behaviors of these chosen children. I have bitten my
tongue sore in social situations to not say: “Make that brat behave. He
is not the only one on  the face of the earth.” “You are growing a
monster who will come to hate you, exploit you and make the lives of
others intolerable.” But in social situations I have kept quiet in the
past. Now I refuse these invitations. I would be watching a parent
creating a mini monster who will grow into an abominable human being.
Adults especially  parents make excuses for their unempathic, selfish,
materialistic, cruel, sadistic children. And others in the family go
along with the charade. After all this child is so bright and
attractive, what could be wrong with him. He is excelling in school as
he charms everyone. What else can a parent want? You as a member of this
family are expected to believe this delusion and to adore the child as
much as his parents. Beneath the surface, the budding narcissist, day by
day is becoming more self obsessed, grabby about what he must have,
more grandiose that he is superior to everyone else and cannot make
mistakes. He lies impeccably to trick others and make fools of them. He
intimidates his brothers and sisters who live in sheer terror of his
footsteps. Mother and father are oblivious and reluctant to correct or
criticize the little prince. He has become a  reflection of their
perfection. They cannot be objective. The family image rides on the
their son’s perfect narcissistic facade. In the current societal climate
today,narcissists are ruling. They get away with their treacheries
because they exude confidence and are often very clever and forceful
personalities that no one will buck them.

If a member
of your family is a narcissist and you have known him/her since
childhood—-he is not going to change. Now as an adult he is a larger,
more ingrained, more vicious facsimile of his younger self. In fact many
narcissists become meaner with age, more duplicitous and malicious. Do
you need this person in your life? Is it worth all the  hurt feelings,
cruelties to be a part of this pathological drama. Ask yourself these
questions and trust your inner response. You don’t deserve this savage
treatment. Learn about the inner workings of the narcissistic
personality. This will help you in making discernments about the people
you want to include in your life.  Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers–All About Them All the Time

Being married to a narcissist, being the sister or brother of a
narcissist, having a narcissistic mother or father or being the member
of a total narcissistic family sucks the energy out of a person’s life.
No matter how you play it and under every circumstance–It is always
about them–their looks, their homes, their holidays, their parties,
their outward image, their financial successes, their victories over
enemies, their seductions, their cruelties to the weak and vulnerable—
I am reminded of the words from Ecclesiastes: ” Vanity of vanities,
saith the Preacher…all is vanity.” One can add the word ego here
to represent the overblown self absorption and exclusion of the
feelings and entire lives of others when we speak of the narcissist’s
true nature.

With narcissists in one’s family, little
children are aware that the focus of attention was always on someone
else, not them. They thought that was the way life went. There is a
powerful figure a narcissistic mother who rules. She is always right and
you are always wrong, stupid, slow, lazy, ugly, despicable,
unworthy—name any derogatory word and that’s what you were. Day and
night these words were etched inside of your consciousness. You even
drempt that mother was screaming them at you in your sleep. There was no
way of escaping her verbal lashings. Often you believed her. What else
could you do. You were a prisoner in her house of hell. 

Besides
the blatant abuse, the narcissistic mother is completely obsessed
with  her life- her career, her looks, her social influence, financial
security, the need to have anything she wanted. She put the attention on
herself compulsively. She expected her children to adore her and to
serve her. Some children of narcissistic mothers described themselves as
full time servants–cooking, cleaning, washing, fetching, ironing
clothes for mother so she could leave them for entire long nights by
themselves. Even children as young as two or three  years old have been
left alone to take care of themselves.

Some
narcissistic mothers would throw a bottle in the crib of her screaming
infant and slam the front door. Her only reservation and hope was that
no neighbor would hear the baby crying and find her out. She would
return late in the morning to find a child whimpering from sheer terror
or exhaustion or passed out from crying all night long. These things do
happen when children have narcissistic mothers. This is the epitome of
“It’s all about me.” These are crimes against children. I believe they
are unforgivable. I have heard too many life stories of these themes of
extreme maternal deprivation and abuse.

It is time to
recognize that maternal narcissistic abuse is occurring all of the time.
We need to shine a bright light on it. If you have been a victim and
have survived and are now living your own life in freedom, I applaud
your ability to save yourself and to prevail. We begin by learning
deeply about the nature of the narcissistic personality. Visit my
website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com





Leaving Narcissistic Family–Leading Your Life

Some individuals are surrounded by narcissists from
birth–Imagine—narcissistic mother, narcissistic father, and
narcissistic siblings sprinkled throughout the family pool. What a life
challenge!  I have known of a number of adult children in narcissistic
families who have survived and are now leading their lives in freedom. A
narcissistic mother alone can be psychologically lethal. Those cold,
dismissive women of deprivation who secretly (or not so secretly)
despise their children are quite common. Little children in these
circumstances usually don’t know that they are being raised by highly
deluded people. They are treated with various forms of cruelty. Some
children are completely ignored. They have to even seek their own food
wherever they can. Mother can’t be bothered to provide regular meals for
them. She is too busy obsessing with her image. The only time they
receive any attention is when it is “showtime”. This occurs when
narcissistic mom is presenting herself as “super mom.” There are
the impeccable photographs of the perfect family. The children stand
their with glued on smiles and empty frozen eyes. They are wearing their
best clothing and mother has made sure that everyone she knows will
have this picture of her family. She is the mother sublime, the selfless
one who will do anything for her children. The opposite is true but no
one knows because this is the secret kept within the walls of the house.
Then there are narcissistic brothers and sisters that must be survived.
That is another nightmare. They are forever bullying the scapegoated
child and getting away with it. Often the father is very weak, like
another child whom the narcissistic mother controls and possesses.

 

There
comes a time of reckoning when children surrounded by narcissistic
family members decide that they can no longer be part of this deluded,
cold, cruel group of people to survive. Many of these children leave
home early, find supportive friends, or simply strike out on their own.
This is quite remarkable and these individuals deserve our deep respect.
These are the courageous ones. We are inspired by these extraordinary
people.

 

If you know that you are trapped in a
narcissistic family and understand this psychopathology, you understand
that these people are never going to change. You are different even
though you share the same DNA. I have heard from many who have left
their narcissistic families behind and are now leading their lives in
psychological, mental and emotional freedom. They are using their
creative gifts, discovering true friendships and re-starting their
lives. Take heart—You can do this. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com