Narcissists are very cunning and “gifted” at spiriting away financial resources both during your marriage to and when divorcing a narcissist. The vicimized spouse is usually out-lawyered. Narcissists hire hard core legal barracudas who are so ruthless it makes your head spin. They are without conscience like their clients.
Narcissists are exceedingly greedy especially during a divorce. After all they want you out of their lives. They have moved on to other more “fulfilling” narcissistic supplies.
Even when you share children together, they are parsimonious, watching every penny that you spend. Contrarily, the narcissist goes on buying sprees, elaborate trips and treks, fancy parties and fetes. (This post refers to male and female narcissists).
It is during the time leading up to the divorce and when the papers are served and afterward, that money and other financial assets mysteriously disappear. Suddenly, the narcissist is using the “P” word–Poor!.
Victims of marriage to narcissists often assume that their former partner will negotiate and mediate fairly. Au contraire—The recipient of the financial largesse belongs to the narcissist from his perspective.
These complex situations are very difficult to manuever. First, make sure that you understand the narcissist and the darkness of his/her personality traits of deception, lack of conscience, lack of empathy, primitive projections, extreme control and manipulation on a deep level.
Prepare yourself for the divorce. Make sure that you interview several attorneys, including a jacksonville family law attorney or ones who have expertise in the area. Take their measure and pay close attention to your intuitive sense about them. This attorney must be your absolute advocate and understand just how manipulative, cruel, harsh, unfeeling and financially greedy this person will be during the divorce, don’t just agree to use the first lawyer you speak to, this is your future that you are trusting them with so you need to be sure the lawyer has your best interests at heart and not their billable hours. The best way to access a list of lawyers in your area is to carry out a search on your computer, if you live in Chicago search for Chicago Divorce Lawyers. The idea is simple really, everyone will be able to find a divorce lawyer near them if they just put in the right words in google, but for more ideas on what to do then keep on reading, for if you live in New York search for NY Divorce Lawyers; if you live in Los Angeles then you will want to search for LA Divorce Lawyers, for those who live in Massachusetts search for MA Divorce Lawyers, whevever you live just make sure to include your town, city or even state in your search term and that way you’ll be sure to find lawyers local to you. Next you need to review some of their websites don’t just phone the first one you come across, make a list of the ones that you like the look of and then call them, that way you are giving yourself the best chance to find a Divorce Lawyer that you will be comfortable in working with, one you can trust and one that you believe will have your best interest at heart, don’t let others make your mind up for you, remember it is your decision alone.
There is a time of reckoning when you recognize that you come first. You have spent a large portion of your life carrying the weight of the narcissist’s ego, responding to their outrageous demands, feeling the depths of sadness from their cruel projections and accusations.
This is a new cycle of your life—putting yourself first. Practice a program of caring for yourself. Pay attention to healing on every level–emotionally, psychologically, mentally and spiritually. You can restore your sense of hope and the anticipation of a renewed life. For some, practices of meditation, physical exercise, eating well, getting proper rest and sleep and using your creative gifts are a vital part of your recovery and evolution. You begin to feel self entitled and at ease with your individuality. This is your birthright.
First time comment, a wee bit nervous; but here goes,can you please offer some help to a male ( namely me) whose partner seems to fit the N character type? How can one be sure it is not them that is at fault,and behaving unreasonably?
Cheers Al
Spot on. Exactly how my narcissistic, pedophile father behaved when my mother died. Recently learned that he knowingly filed an outdated will she had made under duress in 1980, the year her 38 year old sister died of alcoholism and he began an affair with the “nurse” taking care if her, who just so happened to be from the little quaint congregational New England town he never was able to split from. He and his corrupt lawyer lied to me and my sister about everything.
Now he’d in his mid 80s, and with mother out of the picture since 2007, of course he’s taken up with his concubine nurse who also happened to he the “church secretary.” Suck-retary is more like it.
Every dog has its day and that rotten devil and his battery operated concubine have theirs coming. Oh, they pass the baskets every Sunday morning at church. He uses the lawyer who goes to that church. Guess the other one from church moved to Hawaii once the ruse became too close to being revealed.
These people are MORE debased than satan himself. The damage they do we can only see as pitiful and amusing. Poor pathetic bastards. Pray to Saint Michael the archangel. That’s the best thing we can all do, individually, and collectively.
Thanks so much Linda, for your insight, wisdom, and care. In love and light to all who come to this page.
I’d like to know if anyone finds that they experience loneliness in combating the strategy of the narcissists in their life. It seems that other people, friends, don’t pick up on techniques and strategies being employed by the narcs I come in contact with.
So true are Linda’s writings that portray the narc as a “politically-correct-user”. They can do no wrong in the eyes of others. When I want to stand strong and keep the narc at bay, my friends see me being the “bad guy”. The situation resembles the many politicians who know how to show different faces and use just the right words to get votes. Seducers! Narcs, in my view, are the most cunning of seducers. True?
I can’t help but notice, in amazement, that it seems that narcs support and defend other narcs. I sometimes feel the wagons have circled around me. Linda is so correct that narcissism is so prevalent, today. It seems to be a secret society operating within our society. I feel I could write to replace science fiction depictions about Zombies, with narcs. “Invasion of the soul– snatchers!”
I have saved a collection of Dr. Linda’s newsletters to remind me of what I’ve been through, and what I continue to go through when I meet various people. My parallel with this thread is that I am coming to terms with the reality that narcs seem to enjoy punishing those who try to love or befriend them. They seem to either enjoy conflict, or, as Dr. Linda points out, they pursue priorities that feed their appetites — money, power, sexual dominance, control… much like cats wanting to “play” with mice. They seem to gain satisfaction from “the fight”. Just like the cat, when the fight with the fish or mouse is over, they move on to other challenges, but they also still hang on, hoping for a sign of vulnerability when they can take advantage of the circumstances.
I just experienced such a dilemma and I took Dr. Linda’s advice — thankful that I had acquired the knowledge to repeat to myself — “Don’t feed what wants to devour you!” I thought to myself, “If a narc pleads to help you in some way with anything, don’t give them the opportunity because they are experts at gaining the upper hand — and you will only lose in some way.” The narcs seems to have to beat us down, control us, set us up to fail, make us bleed, either figuratively or literally, or make us their victim in some other way. They appear to have some form of “mean streak” in their souls. They thrive on our dependency on them! The more dependent we are on them, the more they seem to like it.
I now believe they enjoy the battle of the divorce or separation because they enjoy the pursuit of hunting their victim. They think they know how to get want they want — even the mere confrontation feeds their craving for attention and self-gratification. That’s why I feel like I just won — by taking Dr. Linda’s advice of not playing their game by not providing a target. I’m now wiser — I now realize why “no contact” is so essential. They are constantly hungry for a victim… someone who will wiggle on the other end of their line and provide their ego with a sustaining challenge. Trouble is, they disguise their intent by just wanting to be “helpful” or remain “friends”. Dr. Linda points out that relationships with them will eventually lead to confrontation and our need for escape and closure for our own preservation. Should we accept their help, they will often use the art of seduction to gain their foothold. To give an inch to them seemingly excites them, more and more, into a devouring frenzy.
How grateful I am for Dr. Linda and her dedication to those of us who are still waking up to the realities of these monsters! They are like venomous snakes in the grass, waiting to attack and devour us as their prey. To say the least from my perspective, Dr. Linda deserves a medal.
Thank you so much for restoring my soul.
After spending time with my narc older sister yesterday afternoon I felt nuts by the time I got home. Your words speak for me. So true, “Don’t feed what devours you.” No contact is the only way to take care if ourselves.
And right you are about their disgusting political correctness which is nothing but convenient hypocrisy and liberal antics that translate to “we can do whatever we want and get away with it because we know how to lie our way out of anything. Just watch the sycophants on major political blogs gnashing their teeth like rabid dogs in support of their hideously corrupt and deranged candidates. Absolutely astounding. These people are beyond evil.
My alcoholic soon-to-be-ex husband would blow every last cent on rubbish each week, leaving me to pay for everything. He reminded me this month how he paid $400 for rent in December because I couldn’t afford it. That’s because I spent $1,700 paying bills, about $500 for Christmas presents (1/3 of that was for HIS side of the family that I didn’t even spend Christmas with and who “forgot” my gift), and basic necessities of food and fuel. He’s so financially irresponsible it’s sickening.
He’s dragging his feet in taking over things I’m still paying for (phone, insurance), even though he moved out right after Christmas. He’s just a human leech, that’s all there is to it. People ask me if I’ll be able to afford to live on my own, yet I’ll be much better off without his “help” or lack thereof once I pay for us to get divorced (I guarantee he won’t pay one cent for it). A nearly 40-year-old man should not still be borrowing money from his mother. This divorce can’t happen quickly enough!
I’m so glad, Sally, that my inspired words could be a help to you. When we have to react to the behaviors within our own families, I believe we feel an especially deep sense of loss. In the cases of our own sisters, brothers, father, mother, uncles and grandparents, etc. — we realize that these are the people that are supposed to provide the foundation for our security. These are the people we trust to have integrity that we can, supposedly, depend on in times of trouble. They were provided to us to make up our “earthly fortress”, yet they fail to comprehend the concept of what it is to love.
In the case of narcissists, who I’ve witnessed, they go so far as to use their position within the family to lure and gratify their selfish desires, first, and let others work for them in some way, or just ignore everyone else. As we know, the narcissist knows how to take advantage of others. They are bullies in every sense of the word — psychologically, physically, or both.
When there are violations of trust from within, whether it be lies, sexual advances, perversions, physical confrontations, putdowns, etc. — regardless of the action, and there is no remorse or protective parent to correct or offer guidance about the dysfunction(s), as Dr. Linda says, we are fortunate to survive such a family.
Your reply, Sally, means a great deal to me, as I’m very sensitive to what you’ve described. I have a relative, similar to your sister, who can sound “slicker” than any politician, yet he can be pulling the rug from underneath your feet, without notice, even while speaking to you. He knows how to edge into positions of trust for his personal gain, and make you think he’s done you a great favor.
I think of these people as human “slot machines” — giving us a few generous coins, on occasion, while they drain our accounts. They know how to make us feel grateful for what we get, only, we find out about what they really took, much later.
“Beyond evil” is a good description for the severe narc, as we know they typically will stop at nothing to get their way. Our hearts suffer the pain while they go about their antics, not caring about any future outcome they cause. As Dr. Linda and others have written, narcs do not comprehend consequence. There are times I wonder how nice it would be to feel so carefree.
Thank you very much for writing, Sally, and for your appreciative comments. I know how painful it is to put “no contact” into effect. Hang in there. Don’t feed the gator!
So right…and even when one observes the no contact, it feels like recovery will take a lifetime.
..and the huge damage they do is SO off the charts..well-meaning people think YOU must have done something horrible to deserve such treatment.
I should add, that with family members, as in our case, or even other narcs, we can’t always avoid them. The advice from Dr. Linda and others is to minimize our exposure, thereby, not providing a target. We can do that by limiting our time with them in any communication or confrontation. It’s a fact that it’s much more difficult to hit a moving target!
I don’t like social manipulative games played on me for someone’s benefit, so I don’t play them on other people, but with the narc, it can be our last resort [of defense]. If the narc has to meet with me, or I have to associate with them, I say “Sorry, I can’t stay long..”. or “Sorry, we have to make this quick because I have an appointment…” — even if the appointment is actually next week. I don’t like playing on the edge with misleading information, either.
How ironic it is that I’m an illusionist-magician, but with life, I make every effort not to deal in deceptive practices. Sometimes in life, we are forced into “fighting fire with fire”. Just for the record, most magicians I know, are a very “down-to-earth” fun-loving people because they recognize how life has “built-in” deceptions and hypocrisies. We merely make facades into entertainment, simply because we see the pretenses as amusing, as do many people, if done in good taste and we keep our presentations in a manner that is enjoyable and non-threatening.
And Sally, I’m glad you find comfort in prayer by seeking a higher source of guidance and relief. Based on your reference to “Saint Michael — The Archangel”, I’m going to assume you have a foundational belief identifying with the Catholic, Episcopalian, or LDS (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), theology. The Bible offers marvelous guidance about narcissism. For example, Proverbs 22:24 tells us not to make angry or “hot-tempered” people our friends. https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=quote+Bible+don%27t+make+an+angry+man+friend . From a historical perspective, it was narcissism that put Jesus Christ on the cross — a fascinating comparison as to how narcissist victims are treated. [“The Battle of (with) the Self.”]
This all goes back to what I said about the narcissist’s desire for vengeance — having “to make someone pay” as their scapegoat and for their desires. In a biblical sense, the term “sacrificial lambs” remains a common reference to Christians. I’m merely offering this for additional support information, as it has been very useful to me.
The key, for my healing from narcissistic affliction, has been to recognize how we are “all created equal” as the Bible and our Constitution express. This fact and premise is extremely important in defending against, or recovering from, narcissistic oppression. We can, therefore, take comfort in knowing that the narcissistic “front” should not to be regarded any more important than what each of us possess — that being, a divine purpose. No one can take that away from us. We can be happy in the realization that narcissistic insults and downplays are only “hot air” in the big picture. This all being said, “It’s time for lunch! I’m starved!” — and gone! [“Poof!”]
Each time I am guided to return to this blog I find more validation. Stan, so grateful for your good responses. Your metaphor of the slot machine is right on.
What my father did with my mother’s will is sub-human. I filled my narc sister in, and confronted him, and his face turned the color of vomit. The reality hit my sister like a silver bullet but then she snapped right back to his side. I am beginning to unravel the mess he has made not only of his own financial life, but of others are well. He’s been cheating IRS for decades and now he’s so scared for his hide he thinks he’s being followed.
My sister’s husband was on to him, hook, line, and sinker. No matter how much he tried to get through to my sister, she turned a deaf ear and a blind eye. It was a shame he suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack at age 56, just a few years after my mother died and my father bullied my sister into handing over all of the CDs that my mother left to my sister; a sizeable amount of money. Then he tried to use my sister and I as tax loopholes, giving us money to open bank accounts under our names, but the money was not to be used but saved so that when he needed it later on it would be there for him. We have no idea what happened to all of my mothers jewelry and other belongings that should have been divided equally between my sister and me.
I’ve gone no-contact with my whole family, which is just father, sister, and now niece, who is 25. She is engaged to be married to the fellow she’s been with since sophomore year in college. Recently she let me know how offended she is by my views because, she says, she is bisexual. I have no idea if her fiancé is also. I told her I am sorry for her confusion. And much more than she could possibly know.
This is a child whose narc-liberal-politically-correct parents bragged about taking her to an X-rated movie when she was 6 years old. Oh, people kept telling them how good it was to see such open-minded parents. They were actually proud of it. It was all I could do not to phone the SPCC. I still wish I had. So this is a snapshot into the narcissistic culture we’ve created.
What I find most disgusting is the heretics that form “churches” calling themselves Christian when they are anything but. These people think they can take everything and shred it to suit their perversity. They are not human, they are sub-human, and the rest of us have been bullied into having to accept this kind of debauchery. The LGBTQXYZ junta marches themselves through the middle of the Saint Patrick’s Day parade to OUT there obsession with homosexual sodomy. How obsessed with sex can people be? What else is it all about, anyway? Certainly not celibacy. I believe that those who believe we descended from apes are returning to their roots. Can’t happen soon enough. I choose God, thanks very much. They only way I was able to begin to understand all of this is when I learned that there are literally thousands of genders of fungi.
I have known wonderful people who are gay all my life. They themselves are disgusted with this movement, which is freakish. It is interesting to note the age group and to understand how the media and poor parenting shaped their lives. It’s all like a science fiction movie, or a satire on life itself.
Once we’re really onto these parasites, and that is exactly what they are, and once we stand strong in our own Truth, we then realize how funny they actually are. Nothing is more important than remaining humble around them. It is always wise never to argue with a crazy person. If only they were just crazy, but they are actually quite dangerous. Again, only if we feed the alligator.
It was the day I cast my net to the right side and asked forgiveness for having false gods before the Only God, that I really began to see the Light. It is very simple, but not easy.
Yes, Stan, we are “all created equal” however, “many are picked but few are chosen.” And Jesus also said, “Let the dead bury their dead, come with me.” Pardon, too lazy to offer appropriate citations!
Now that the floodgates are open, I am compelled to keep sharing here.
The parents who thought nothing of bringing their 6 year old daughter (she may have been 5 going on 6) to the X-rated movie, are also the same parents who deprived her of Christianity, except for celebrating the commercial aspect of it. They refused to have a manger scene in their house, and ridiculed anyone who believed as “white supremacists.” They had enormous contempt for religion, though both my sister and I were brought up Catholic.
My mother was Roman Catholic, and my father converted to Catholicism to marry her. He really had no religion of his own, other than the Congregational church that his family had gone to off and on (mother’s side) for many generations. That is all there was back then, when the apple didn’t fall far from the tree in a little remote town. As soon as my mother died, he jumped ship and went back to his ‘church’ which was for him (and his adulteress secretary friend) their Silver Tsunami Club Med. I am not being cynical, but honest. Do they really think they can buy themselves a stairway to heaven?
Of course, as we see everywhere we look, yes, they all think they can buy their way, steal, cheat, lie, kill, murder right in front of us, and if we dare ask a question they haven’t a lie prepared for, then they really show their true colors. We are racist, homophobic, fascist, bullying, and whatever they can lay their lying tongues to, to belittle us and treat us like animals because they must, at all cost, slay the messenger. But not for long. Amazing how they can collect themselves and go from a Dr. Jekyll to a Mr. Hyde, and back again. This comes natural for them. I think Mary Baker Eddy calls it “animal magnetism.”
I have never turned my back on God or Catholicism, though once, when I was considering marrying a man who was Episcopalian, I was confirmed, in my 30s, at an Episcopal Church but then decided against marrying him and returned to my Catholicism. For me there is nothing more magnificent than the Divine Mysteries and their contemplation. There is where True Love is, first of all. I can’t remember which Pope said that, to believe with certainty, one must begin with doubting.
I am sharing more than I ought because this is my sacred space. I have been in therapy for over 30 years and have struggled and suffered as so many of us do, but I am deeply grateful for all of it because I would not be who I am today otherwise. No narcissist can take this away from us no matter how hard they try. As Soren Kierkegaard said, to paraphrase, the only one the deceiver deceives is himself. The narcissist tries to conquer us by trying to make us believe that we are the ones who are the narcissists. This is the most sinister of brainwashing. All one need to is turn the mirror on them. They project their evil onto us while trying to suck the goodness out of every drop of our blood to feed their ghoulish agendas.
We must share our sufferings with others as a road map to sanity, health, wealth, and happiness. True happiness is to no place confined, but still is found in the contented mind.