Narcissists are always on the hunt for supply—gratifications of their egos for applause, adulation, worldly power, gorgeous willing, adoring, malleable partners.
If you have been married to a narcissist for decades or a very short time, remember that your “relationship” with this person is up for grabs–expendable. Narcissists are not loyal to anyone but themselves. They are ruthlessly wanton and careless about the feelings of others, even their own children. Children are often used as attractive props that enhance the narcissist’s image and status. After all, if your child is very attractive and has a myriad of talents and capacities, the narcissistic mother or father will have endless bragging rights. This person is incapable of actually loving his/her child. Authentic feelings are not part of the narcissist’s life vocabulary. They tell great stories about their devotion to their spouse and children but this makes for great drama and image enhancement.
Spouses who get out of line by psychologically working to become individuals and separate from the narcissist become the enemy. After all, they are no longer servile–the one who gives the king or queen his crown and scepter.
Even before the divorce it not unlikely that the narcissistic spouse has found your replacement. He or she has already drifted to new sources of psychological supply that will keep his ego fully inflated. There is no sadness or regret about all of those years together. You gave your life to this person. You are shocked and grieving the loss. The narcissist pivots quickly to his next human supply. One partner or spouse is interchangeable with the next. Forget the years, the life experiences, the children you share—None of this matters to the narcissist. He or she may play the part of being upset but that is for the performance in the divorce court to get the best settlement possible for him. It’s a well rehearsed polished act. After all, the narcissist is an excellent actor who fools most people. He has been doing this all of his life.
Protect yourself from your narcissistic spouse by researching this personality structure. Understand their strategies, the way they think–about themselves only–, their ruthlessness and horrendous lack of empathy, chronic lying, duplicity, manipulations, empty promises.
Pay attention to your needs and wishes. Never blame yourself for becoming involved in a marriage with a narcissist. They fool most people all the time–even therapists.
Focus on your life, your talents, your well being and sense of peace. You have been carrying a great burden with this marriage. Now you will live lighter, simpler and discover that you are an incredible individual–so wonderful just as you are.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Comment: didn’t expect it
So needed this reminder… trigger day. 2/24/2012 just nine days after i filed for divorce my narc husband of 18years who had reassured me he was “taking time to be alone” & wanted to “focus on the kids” haul ass off our mountain with a load of our firewood (entire back row of wood shed. So tricky) to woo a bartender… he told me it was for our friend but she told me he won her heart with a load of “wood”. Lol/sadface.. He erase and replace. And even the best of him his own children can’t hold his self absorbed interest…im so alone
Comment: From Terry
Female Antisocial Personality Disorder/Narcissistic Personality Disorder are often accepted by a society that is accepting of these extremely destructive and evil characteristics in women. A woman has an image in this society that is mostly untrue in this age. These APD females are more efficient at hiding in society precisely because of society’s preconceived image of women.
My ex had extreme displays of temper at work that was thought cute by the men. THe same behavior would have gotten a man fired.
Comment:From Life is Better Now
Very good article and a reminder of the pain and misery i endured during my 13 year marriage. This article is spot on her behavior and disposable mentality to me and our family life memories we created. My wife reverted to finding the same profession, age, looks, height in a man three weeks after our separation. This is all part to finding her protector to shield her from lifes dangers and lessons one must face in life. I did the same thing for her when I met her, protected her from her “horrible” ex boyfriend who thinking now maybe wasnt so bad.
Life is much better without the stress, anger and unpredictable behavior i was blind to.
Comment: From Liz’s
They sure do fool the therapist. My ex went at my insistence. Guess what? He had an affair with the therapist. Drove her mad! Had the nerve to show me her emails begging him to call. (Triangulation). Then tried to innocently imply to me….isn’t that unethical to get into an affair with you client? Like it was her fault. I knew he charmed the hell out of this poor woman. And then used her to create jealousy with me because I wouldn’t go back to him. Sick stuff!
My ex could fool everyone else, but she couldn’t get over on the therapist that we went to. Given that we went there as part of her gaslighting routine, trying to prove that I was the crazy one and that her wild behaviour was completely justified, she immediately stopped our marriage counseling when she was called out and asked to take responsibility for her actions.
Everyone else, though, bought here line and I was replaced. What I particularly enjoyed was the long period in between where she was seeing other people but telling me that we were going to ‘work things out’. All the while she was bragging to her friends and family about how many men she was seeing and how ‘free’ she was now that she had discarded me.
Truly horrible and disgusting people.
Are malevolent narcissist personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder always teamed together?
My 13 years with an N (married for 4) female, were amazingly chaotic. The first several years were absolutely amazing, even though there were red flags that I admit to either not realizing at the time, or just deciding to ignore. After a while, the constant hot and cold spells, depression, rage, and mood swings from one day to the next caught my attention. I’ve never seen this side of her.
Nothing I said had an effect on her, and she’d stay admiring herself in the mirror, asking me every single day if I thought she was pretty. I’d say over and over again, “yes, you’re beautiful.” While going out she’d check her self in the mirror several times before leaving, again, in the car, again in the reflection of the window when we get out of the car, and I’d repeat, “you look fine; just as you did 5 minutes and 5 minutes before that.” I’d wonder to myself why she continued to worry about it; she seemed to have good self-esteem, especially with me by her side. I thought that at the time, but later realized that my being by her side didn’t really matter.
Eventually I caught on, and I’d say “Nothing I say sticks, yet a complete stranger compliments you and gets your snatch warm.” Oh did she hate that, but she loved it at the same time because she knew it was true and I did nothing about it.
3 years later, and after several extramarital affairs that I was suspicious of at the time, and have now either confirmed or am 100%v convinced of, and after months and months of physical abuse as punishment for confronting her on her behavior, I am going No Contact, and she is discarding. I’ve confirmed not one, but two other men that she is sexually engaged with. It’s been extremely painful, considering everything we shared, and everything I’ve done for her, to see no reciprocity, and to see our marriage end like this, but I MUST continue to remind myself that this is her issue, and not mines, and that although she is relentlessly trying to make me feel bad for our failed marriage, she can only do so if I allow it. And, I am no longer going to allow it.
I recall so many times that during arguments that she’d pull out of thin air, I’d say, “Ok, I’m sorry, let’s just stop fighting.” Only to ask myself later, “wait, what am I apologizing for?” Well, now I understand that I played into the same game that so many before me, including her family, played into for years.
I’m proud of my progress out of this self-pity and sorrow stage and will no longer allow anyone to control my mind, feelings, and life.
I was and still married to this man.He got a better paying job.I supported him in many ways.He met an older woman . Moved in with her in 6 weeks.Was seeing her while still living with me.I didn’t know this for a while.He would have me thinking he was coming back.He would make excuses to come over.He was still trying to have sex with me.All the lies he told me in our marriage. Just a lie. Now I’m emotionally scared.I never want to be with a person like this again.Im so done with him.He said he’s divorcing me.Now that I told the other woman about him and I how he still wants me.i think she needed to know.after all he’s still my husband.But I get it now….this is a slow painful process.
My ex Narc of 28 years on and off got engaged 25 days after we broke up…gettting married in 83 days since our break up…… the last time we broke up in 1990 he got engaged and married in 72 days. He stayed married for 21 years until she left him. Then we get back together and this time i had enough of the affairs, the mental abuse and games..His new supply has been said to be a Narc as well…Is this a match made in heaven??? Do these two narcs work or not?? How do two narcs raise a blended family???This would seem to be a disaster!
This article is so validating for me. I was replaced before the divorce was over. But am not upset about it cause I understand the concept. It’s helpful to get yourself educated about the disordered person you dealt with. You will feel better. Atleast I did.
I have been dating this narcissus for 13 months. Big waste of time. I should have saw the sign but of course I was blind to his malice Acts. He is 25 but still acts like a child. Beware ladies his name is Masod Hunt. Just like any typical narcissist he will blame his ex’s for a while things didn’t work his way. If you don’t do what he says and don’t listen he will complain and resent and look for someone else to replace you and then start random arguments so you can break up. He is a coward and not man enough too face criticism of himself. But I guess he’s been this way for a long time and until he realizes that he will never mature or be happy. He will only think about himself and not worry about the others feelings just like his father.
Wow this so describes my soon to be ex husband (though he is the one that left).
It makes me feel better to know that there is nothing wrong with me. He is 36 years old has two older kids that want nothing to do with him, his youngest is suppose to be the apple of his eye but he is too busy to bother even calling her. Not even a week after leaving, he has “replaced” me. Huge blow to my self esteem, but I know I’m not the one with the problem, he has never grown up and still wants to act like a child or teenager.