Those who haven’t had narcissistic mothers cannot completely understand just how dreadful they are. Each narcissistic mother is ghastly in her own special way. Some are concealed and pretend to be good, even holy. They walk around with golden coronas circling their heads. The family members are often impressed with their piety and spiritual devotion. Then there are the flamboyant, grandiose types who are socially very skillful and charming. They are often the center of attention. They magnetize many people to them who believe that they are superior. Above all, despite the outward persona the narcissistic mother always has certain attributes. She lacks genuine empathy and is incapable of feeling and understanding or caring deeply about another person’s feelings, including her own children. What great performances these women play. In private they are holy terrors who cause fear, anxiety, panic and immobilize their children. The exception is the child chosen by the narcissistic mother as the perfect reflection of herself. This son or daughter (in some cases more than one child is picked) gets free reign of the house, never learns how to treat others with respect, has a superior attitude toward himself and overrides the psychological boundaries of other family members. The children who are not chosen are under the heel of the rampaging narcissistic mother. She is hell to live with. Often these women emasculate their husbands and dominate them completely so that they have no say about their own children.
Adult children often report that they suffered from anxiety,tension even pains in the pit of their stomachs when in the presence of narcissistic mom. You never knew when she would threaten you with punishment or take a swipe at you. Narcissistic mothers are tyrannical and get away with it. In the world they are often considered to be wonderful human beings who are considerate and caring and very charming. This is their great acting job at work. So many people are fooled by them. When you tell someone the truth about a narcissistic mother, they will look at you quizzically as if you are being cruel or simply have something wrong with your thinking processes.
If you are the adult child of a narcissistic mother it is past time for you to get rid of the metaphorical or real pain in the pit of your stomach. To lead your own life, it is often necessary to sever the “relationship” because it has become impossible and abusive. Some victims find that excellent psychotherapy helps them to heal. Be careful in picking a therapist. Make sure they understand this personality disorder very well and be sure that they are not narcissistic personalities themselves.
Celebrate your individuality, learn to quiet your mind through gentle yoga practice, meditation–sitting and walking, opening up to your special creativity, finding friends who care deeply about you and are capable of empathy.
Thank you- we’ll be needing these during the Holidays.
thank you. Word press tells me my commet is too short. so I say thank you again.
What is the difference between a narcissistic mother and father. The way you describe the narcissistic mother fits my experience with my ex-husband who, thanks to your book and blogs, I now realize has narcissistic personality disorder. He rejected our 23 year old son when he was 19 and has turned our 20 year old daughter against me, a classic case of parental alienation!!
Thank you for understanding. This is so true of my own mother! I remember just walking in eggshells as I was growing up. If I felt I was tipping the scales, she would unleash her wraith. One time when I was young I was constantly throwing up my food from nerves. She took me to the doctor. The doctor told her it was probably from stress. She was taking me back to school and asked me what I was being nervous about and I told her it was her, she hit me with her fist and denied it was about her.
There are so many stories and just a month ago when my husband was on his deathbed she made it about her so I kicked her out and told my family I was crazy. I have decided after 53 years and years of therapy finally – that is it! She only cares about herself and finding this site has saved my sanity. Thank you very much!!
I just found out what NPD is and this is my first post on the subject ever. I have a narcissistic mother. I see her as a ‘jack-in-the-box’. The sweet music plays slowly … then ‘POP’ …the evil clown pops up at any given time if I fail to follow her imaginary ever changing script. I grew up as the scapegoat being the youngest, the only girl, pretty and very petite and the one who spoke the truth and the one socially driven. I lived on pepto bismol for the stomach pains growing up. My two older brothers would be dismissed to their rooms so they could never be witness to it and the blinds would be drawn before the my NM and enabling father would start a night of terrorizing. My ears would ring for hours after my NM raged, screaming inches from my face for many long excruciating hours into the night. My father stood over with a dog leash waiting dutifully for his ‘hit’ orders. It was against his nature but he did it for her, she loved it… I think more so for the power over him and getting him to ‘cross over’ without feeling remorse, little by little. It was so humiliating, I was not allowed to block any assault so it might be strange to say that although it wasn’t sexual in nature, the abuse felt like a rape where you just have to take it. She actually taught him how to abuse telling him how/when he was doing it wrong and correcting him as he got accustomed to the routine as I would silently stand there, she eased him into it over the years. Occasionally she would pause to pet the anxiety ridden barking dog (a retriever), as she snarled over me, and occasionally snapped at me curled on the floor in a fetal position. My NM encouraged her to attack and feeding her treats as a reward. After a few years of this, I couldn’t pass the animal without it growling and snarling viscously as I walked past. NM would remind me ‘everyone hates you. You see! Even the family dog hates you’. They rationalized and told me that it wasn’t abuse unless they left marks which is why my mother mostly dragged me from room to room by my hair and slammed my head repeatedly into the walls and floors (whiplash and head bruising isn’t visible). None of this bothered me as much as the fear of the small shaming threats being carried out. There were SO many. Threats that would forbid me to shower, wear makeup and clean clothes or groom myself, her rationale was so people could see how horrible I was if she made my good looks disappear. A threat I was truly frightened of. She told me daily that I was emotionally unstable and threatened to send me to a mental psychiatric clinic nearby where she would give the doctors permission to drug me. She gave her scripted story of who I was to every adult in my life including the school guidance counselor so ‘I wouldn’t get any ideas of speaking up’. NM would say I was stupid, no man would ever marry me but for my looks, I was sick and I was a bitch and ‘everyone who meets you can see this’. Deep down I believed her, why wouldn’t I… I grew up in an affluent area, my father was a doctor who was kind with true morals and my NM put on a great show for the world but no one knew what happened behind closed doors. Early on I did my best to stand up for myself in protest but through the years I resigned to silence hoping it would end quicker. I was not perfect, I didn’t have the skills… but not a horrible adolescent. I was a cheerleader, played sports, worked every weekend, never skipped school, was a solid B+ student, never did drugs or had substance issues and respected my elders. I tried to be normal outside of my home prison. It took all of my will not to stoop to her level and attack back. Now there is a part of me that wonders what would have happened if I had. Not even to this day decades later at 43, have I ever disrespected her or my father with any verbal slander. The verbal, emotional abuse and triangulation continues.
Linda,
Thank you for sharing this. I was the scapegoat for my mothers tyranny. I cut her out of my life almost 20 years ago, but she still hasn’t given up on me and haunts my sister and children to try to contact me. Recently she threatened to just show up at my door which sent me into panic mode. She didn’t come but I can’t believe I let her get to me.
Your description of the N mother is perfect. However my sister was the golden child in my mothers eyes, but my sister is/was not as you described. Unfortunately, she is the one getting the wrath now. N Mothers never give up.
It look like you where in my house And were telling about my mother. What I hate the most is people judging and talking trash about my relationship with my mother without even knowing what I have been through. They just see the caring and very charming woman and I look like the mean one.
OK, I have known my mum was narcissistic for years. I have had job problems and have been unemployed for a long time (not a benefit scrounger by the way). My Dad thought it would do me the world of good to move out of the city and back with her (they are separated). She was not having any of it despite the fact she has a 4 bed house and the house I am currently living in is 1/2 size of hers). I have worked my a$$ off for the last 10 years and am skint. She has lived off my Dad for the last 50 years and has done absolutely nothing with her life, nor tried to. (My Dad is 74 and still working. He is fed up with her too as he can get absolutely no bend out of her.).
I spoke to her on the phone tonight and I Don’t think I’ve ever encountered a more arrogant or blaming individual in my life. Whenever you hear her talk about me it is always about being “”lumbered with a child”. I suggested that we dhoildctry to work at our relationship in a mature manner. It became clear this wasn’t going to happen as she is threatened by even the most basic of questions.
Anyway my father knows what her behaviour is about now so that is one thing.
For the record, she did the laundry 1x every 6 weeks, screamed at my Dad and I nonstop at home, spent most days in bed or walking the dog.
Family are OK as long as at the other end of the phone. Most of her relatives are fed up with her smug attitude, and I doubt when she dies that anyone will have a good word to say about her. I am afraid that after tonight, that likelihood on my part is all but impossible.
I always felt “flight or fight” syndrome around my momster. Even though she always got her trained eunuchs (my emasculated, cowardly, alchoholic father or my golden child/flying monkey brother) to do her dirty work. But yes, I always had that awful feeling similar to butterflies but worse in the pit of my stomach around ALL 3 of them whether they were together or separate. The eunuchs WORSHIP this devil woman and have no thoughts of their own, only HER thoughts and opinions. It’s truly disgusting to behold. I’m the only one (oldest and female) who stood up to Queen Jezebel. Now I’m persona non grata. I went no contact and told her why but she just asked me what a “flying monkey” was after I spilled my heart to her in a long email and then I never heard from her again, and that includes my 14 year old daughter, her granddaughter who was also dropped like a sack of pig dung. And I’m very thankful to have woken up when I did because she and her flying monkey were actively injecting their poisonous narc venom into my daughter and had nearly completely turned her against me. I’ve been no contact now for 7 months and my daughter is just now beginning to be herself again. It is frightening the amount of damage these evil pseudo humans can do even to their own flesh and blood! I am trying to cope with my anger and rage at this woman for what she has done to my family and also for my cowardly father who never stood up for me, and now has Stockholm Syndrome as well as projects HER evil onto me whenever I was around them. In other words he would blame ME for the BS SHE does! Then he would complain about “being depressed” but not knowing why and out of the same breath look at me and tell me to “Smile”!. I cringe thinking about it. And I cringe even more because I felt so anxious around them I could never come up with a good comeback for their obvious psychological abuse, him and my golden boy brother doing the dirty work while she sat back in her spider hole pretending to be the Righteous Angelic Queen. And when I wrote to my dad’s 3 siblings who I THOUGHT actually cared about me growing up, I got NOTHING. SILENCE. Evidently the Queen had preemptively smeared me as “crazy, too sensitive or mentally unstable” many years before I woke up out of the fog of abuse (at age 49). I will never be validated by anyone in my Non-family. Narcissistic abuse is the very definition of EVIL.
I’m still in shock finally found out that my mother has got to be one.My sister& I have tried to understand& figure out..that their must be a word out their that explains our mother.Then about a week ago my sister sent me something that said 23 signs of a narcisstic mother.I couldn’t believe it,finally the word& description we have looked for for SO many years!Can’t wait to learn more.Thank you!
This animation was based on my experience of having a covert narcissist mother: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isufXjED3_0
This hits home for me. Luckily my dad got far away from my mom as soon as possible but still never had the balls to stand up to my psychotic mother. They have this way of twisting and turning everything you do and say and blindside you without you even knowing it. So many times my mom would fight me on something that any sane person would see was her fault and I would just shut down and listen to her idiot theory’s. I’m 29 and I just found out my mom suffers from this disorder. It’s so hard for others to see the cunning cruel evil ways of these demons but your not alone. It’s heartbreaking to try to open up and talk to someone about the abuse you faced your whole life and they just don’t get it. “Your mom loves you she just doesn’t know how to show it” NO MY MOTHER DOESNT HAVE TO CAPACITY TO LOVE. I’m still very angry as you can tell lol.
Wow this is my story exactly. I have 2 other sisters and one day last week one of my sisters mentioned this disorder and it was like a light bulb went off. It’s a feeling of complete shock, like my whole life has been a lie and I’ve been brainwashed. I’m so happy to know that I can separate my self from her and not feel guilty for doing it
I just need to share my experience. When I broke the news to my sisters I had a horrible experience. I have 5 sisters and 3 brothers and none of them talk to me. they are so afraid her that they are afraid of me also. I have always been the whistle blower and stood up to her to my detriment. If they are seen by her as taking my side they will be targeted as I have. It has been the best thing, as well as the most difficult experience in my life to loose my family. In a way, I wait for her to die so I can have a relationship with the rest of my family. Be careful as you proceed informing family.
I’m sorry this happened to you Arianna, and that it is still happening. Your story is heartbreaking. I hope you have little contact with them, and are living away from them (as hard as it is to disconnect with ones family). I am glad that you found this site (I’m glad I found it too), and can begin the healing process…let your “bluebird” out (poem by Charles Bukowski who also suffered child abuse):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyMS4qJ8NXU
So much here to identify with, my sister found the description narcissist, it was a relief somehow to discover there was a label that fit our mother 100%. I feel sad for every family that has suffered and continues to do so because of this personality disorder, the damage is hidden and perpetuated for so long often. Through work, I have heard of a mother losing her children to adoption after being diagnosed with Narcissism. I want to hear more cases of exposure. As has been said, I cant change the past but no contact with my own mother means I can protect both myself and my loved ones.
Your “parents” should have been thrown in prison.
Lisa: I agree 100 %. The thing is, if Arianna had fought back even once, these monsters called “parents” would’ve had her thrown into some juvenile detention center or mental hospital. So her choice was: Keep taking their abuse or fight back and get locked up. It’s always Damned if Ya Do and Damned if Ya don’t with these inhumans wearing a human suit.