When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you feel like you
are screaming underwater and drowning at the same time. Many daughters
don’t realize for years the truth about this woman who projects hatred
on to you daily. If you are scapegoated among the siblings, your
childhood is exceedingly harsh. You are at the mercy of a sadistic, cold
mother. On the outside there are acquaintances and friends of hers that
think she is the best human being on the face of the earth. She is so
devoted to her children despite her outside career. She works constantly
on this external image to make sure that everyone knows how wonderful
Inside the home she is monstrous. Many of the narcissistic
mothers literally beat their children. They make sure that the marks
won’t show so there will be no obvious evidence of their cruelties.
Other mothers try to annihilate their children mentally and emotionally.
They pit one child against the other. They are cold and unexpressive.
They never have a moment to speak to their daughter. They are always
busy, rushing to work, spending evenings completely out of touch with
their children. Some daughters idealize their mother as a way of
surviving and keeping themselves protected from the truth of her nature.
When we are little we must do what we have to for survival purposes.
are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are always in conflict with
her. They make efforts to stand up for themselves. But there is the
narcissistic mother’s revenge. These daughters then become a constant
target of scorn, recriminations and threats. Mother promises that she
will help her daughter go to college and at the last moment she pulls
out, saying that she simply can’t afford it. This is an all out lie. She
has gotten her revenge. One of the reasons for the narcissistic
mother’s horrendous cruelties besides her own self hatred is that she is
exceedingly jealous of her daughter. Often she picks one daughter whom
she targets for the worst abuse. I have known these daughters and they
have weathered horrible abuse–daily intimidations and humiliations. She
constantly undermines this daughter, telling her that she is ugly, that
she smells, that no one is really her friend, that they are pretending
to like her, that no one will ever want to marry her, that she is not
bright enough to go to college, that she has no talents and on and
on—endlessly undermining this child.
There are daughters of
narcissistic mothers that say: “enough” and leave their households
early. This is very difficult but they find other family members who can
be of some assistance. Sometimes families of their friends provide them
with support. And then there are daughters that do it all on their own.
They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves
and become independent.
Whatever stage of dealing with
your narcissistic mother you are in, I congratulate your courage and
fortitude. You know the truth. You are a fine human being. Your mother
is a severe personality disorder. You have prevailed. You are free. Fly
and glide like the Monarch butterflies who complete their migration over
three generations and thousands of miles–so beautiful so determined,
To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life