Category: Uncategorized

Narcissistic husbands are masters at creating the image of the dutiful spouse. They are very convincing on the subject of loyalty to their spouses. The majority of narcissistic husbands stray all of the time. In fact they have multiple affairs going strong at any given time. Some are one night stands; others are mistresses that go in and out of their lives. There are special women that they can’t resist and keep as a sexual security blanket just in case they need to get through the night of their sexual desires. Normally if a married or taken man experiences a night of sexual desire without their spouse, they might very well look at something similar to this porno cubano or other related adult material that could allow them to satisfy their nightly urges. It is amazing how adept these fellows become at juggling many women. If they travel as a result of their business, the sky is the limit. One or two women a night is not unusual. Some professional men including narcissistic physicians, dentists, corporate leaders have ongoing affairs with their female patients. Sex in the office–no problem. It’s after hours–why worry. There are many narcissistic physicians. Our society rewards them with big money, prestige, even worship. Obviously, there are incredibly fine physicians who are completely ethical and professional. I am not speaking about them.

If you think your narcissistic husband is playing around on you, why would you stay married? These days it is dangerous to your physical health. Think of the cascade of STDs you can contract as a result of having sex with a husband who is having intimate relations with so many different women. If you think you could possibly have contracted a sexually transmitted disease because of your husbands disloyalty you may want to visit somewhere like this Las Vegas STD testing location. When you have sex with this husband, you are having sex with every woman he has shagged. Not a pretty picture. Self care is essential. The next factor is your psychological and emotional health and what is the effect of this kind of marital arrangement on your children. Marriages with narcissistic men don’t work because these men are highly pathological and do not change.

Make a wise decision. Sever the relationship. Consider a formal separation and a divorce. This can be a difficult process. You are entitled to be married to someone who truly loves and protects you. Part of your healing can be facilitated by excellent psychotherapy. Be sure you interview several psychotherapists.

Get support from those you trust and can call upon at any time. There are many healing techniques like gentle yoga, meditation, and creative pursuits that can become an integral part of your healing. Be kind to yourself. Anyone can make the decision to marry a narcissist. They are slippery fellows, difficult to detect. Learn from this life experience and be grateful that you are taking assertive movement toward your personal evolution. Learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Is your narcissistic golden boy older brother (or younger brother) still controlling your life, your feelings, your decisions? Is he haunting your dreams and your thoughts? Does he hurt your feelings every time you have contact with him? Is he continuing to demean and humiliate you in front of the family? If the answer is Yes to these questions it is time for a reckoning with this narcissist even though he is your DNA brother.

You deserve to be treated with respect and understanding despite what any other person thinks, including narcissistic mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and in-laws. You have tried every avenue to make peace with this brother who has taunted you all of your life. Mother and father picked him as the golden children when he was very little. You were left out in the cold to fend for yourself. In some cases you were protected by a grandparent or aunt who loved you deeply. Some of these children go it alone, keep their own counsel and learn to take care of themselves very early. They are courageous human beings.

A time comes when you feel compelled to make the decision to sever the non-relationship with your narcissistic brother. This action frees you up to lead your own life, unimpaired or burdened by the vicious attacks, niggling, picking, verbal assaults of your narcissistic golden boy brother.

Take time to appreciate who you are and acknowledge your creative gifts, your empathy and your unique capacities. Pool together friends that you can trust and from whom you gather strength and full acceptance and caring.

Now you are ready to say “Au Revoir” . You experience an emotional and psychological freedom that is sweet and life giving. Go off on your pathway, fly with the winds, feel the goodness inside of you and know that you are loved. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The external image of the narcissist is the polar opposite of his/her internal world. On the outside the classic narcissist is frequently physically attractive, highly self confident, overflowing with charm. You feel the strong handshake, the eyes that penetrate your gaze, the rising of the jaw that tells you they are sure of every step. They are in command of their lives, unafraid and sure-footed. They spin phenomenal visions that are fueled by their grandiosity. Many people are fascinated by the narcissist in full bloom, exhibiting all of his persuasive gifts. When you are with a master narcissist you believe that anything is possible and can be accomplished with ease. The narcissistic view of life has no limits. They inspire awe in most people if they are high level narcissists who have mastered control and manipulation of others.

Beneath the glittery, irresistible surface, the inner world of the narcissist is empty, bleak and dark. There is a lifeless quality to the inner narcissist. These individuals are unacquainted with their unconscious feelings about themselves. They have no insight and believe their finely spun delusions. They convince others that they are superior and super human. Their followers are blindly loyal and believe they can do no wrong. Deep in the unconscious the narcissist is drowning in his self loathing and fraudulence. He feels empty and emotionally rudderless.

Pressure, self hatred, psychological lifelessness, unending restlessness and rage build up in the narcissist within the unconscious. The narcissist cannot contain these overpowering feelings so he projects them like bilious vomit on to those in his close environment. This includes his/her spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings and in-laws. When they seethe with volcanic rage, the sounds emitted are bestial. Some of them let loose in public. Others save these ugly, rancorous scenes for private venues.

If you share your life with a narcissist, despite the role that you play, know that this person is never going to change. This is a severe personality disorder that is fixed and rigid. The narcissist lives in a psychological darkness that pulls others down into its depths. His/her demands, hatreds, treacheries, mounting cruelties, crimes of the heart mount as the darkness envelops him. He is unconcerned since the narcissist is out of touch with himself. It is those around him who are devastated by his internal psychological poisons. At the core he is putrid like a corpse that has been lying in the sun, giving off the lingering odor of death and decay. How long will you stay and be disastrously affected by this individual. Are there enough material rewards to cover up the stench of his vile deeds and deceits. Listen and you will hear the voice of your intuition rising, speaking to you in a compelling tone, telling you: “Get out now. Leave. Don’t stay or you will be trapped and lose yourself.”

There are many who have successfully removed themselves from the narcissist’s dark inner world. They have re-discovered themselves as individuals. The cracks of light have lengthened. They are in full light now and traveling a different road. Know that you can leave this dark place, that you don’t belong there.

Like our prehistoric ancestors who carried the miracle of fire from place to place, you have opened the warmth and light that has been waiting to manifest itself. This incandescence cannot be extinguished. Your life has been restored. You are free and open to all that is deep within you. Celebrate, you are re-born. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlifecom

Beginning with the first moments of life the baby begins to bond with his mother. This is essential to his psychological and physical survival. Mother and baby attach in a loving fusion. The good enough mother ( a term introduced by psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott ) spends many months in a state of maternal preoccupation with her baby. The baby that has left the womb must have this constant care, comfort, feeling of safety in order to thrive. Besides nutritional nourishment, the baby internalizes the caress, smell, gentle sounds, soft soothing touch of mother. Through the long nights when the baby’s hunger cries signal the need to be fed the mother leaves her sleep to feed her tiny infant. These sounds are compelling and the good mother knows instinctively to recognize the different cries of her baby. As the months pass, the bond between the two of them strengthens and the baby begins to recognize that mother is a separate person. The baby has begun to internalize mother into his psyche. This is not the case with the narcissistic mother. Many narcissistic mothers leave the delivery room, go home and are in there office’s within two or three weeks. They may even have a surrogate mother feed the baby after the birth and calm him when he is crying. Not all mothers who return to week early in a baby’s life are narcissistic. However, this kind of behavior is not optimum for the baby’s psychological well being.

The most significant deprivations is a complete lack of psychological and emotional bonding that the child experiences with the narcissistic mother. She is cold, unavailable and preoccupied with herself. You ask yourself: Why did she have children? Maybe she accidentally got pregnant and is going through the motions.

Some narcissistic mothers purposely have children they can show off and put on display as narcissistic supplies and living puppets.

Having a narcissistic mother and not being attached to her is a very difficult psychological legacy for the child. In some cases there are substitutes like an aunt, older sister, grandmother or a nanny. This can make all the difference for the child. In some cases the father becomes the mothering figure and that is fortunate. Some children have no one. They are fed, dressed, sent to bed, given breakfast and sent to school in a mechanical manner. The narcissistic mother is critical, cold, disengaged, unaffectionate and basically has nothing to give her child. The focus of life is herself, not her child. Children who grow up under these circumstances often feel empty inside and find it hard to form warm, secure, trusting relationships with others.

There have always been narcissistic mothers; we now are able to recognize them more specifically. However, there is a serious trend in our society today of the grow of more narcissists and narcissistic mothers. These mothers are not scorned ; they are praised for being able to DO IT ALL. No one can do it all. That is impossible and untrue. What looks lovely on the outside can be a complete nightmare to a child on the inside.

There are adult children of narcissistic mothers who find ways to heal from this deep psychological wound. I have been in contact with many of them. They are strong, caring and often very empathic individuals. They have my deepest respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissist is always right and must win, regardless of those whom he injures, even if they are spouses, children, siblings, parents, or friends. The singular purpose of the narcissist’s life is power, material acquistion and the manipulation and control of others. As a result the narcissist treats those closest to him with an ingrained ruthlessness, after he decides they are of no further use to him. This includes his children. After all, he/she can marry someone else and produce others.

The budding narcissist learns from the time that he/she is very young that the only game to master is winning. He internalizes this “value” very early from his parent(s) who through their greediness, coldness, lack of empathy, overriding ambition and hubris, teach their child to exploit everyone in their lives to get whatever they want. Even as small children, budding narcissists are brutal with their playmates. They cheat at games, tell lies to alienate one friend from another, and will step over anyone for first prize. Narcissists get away with their cruelties when they are young because often their parents lack conscience and are narcissists themselves who firmly believe that the purpose of life is to acquire and control as much power and money as possible.

Most people are unaware of the extreme lengths a narcissist will ravel to “win.” In divorce situations their corrosive personality is particularly disturbing. The narcissist believes that he is the victim and therefore entitled to what he wants. Narcissists find professionals who will hide their assets leaving the spouse in little or no monetary security. When the time comes for dividing property, investments or money, there is little or nothing left. The narcissist has used a pre-emptive strike on the spouse and gotten away with it. In fact the narcissist celebrates this victory and views the former spouse as a weak, pitiful person whom he justifiably discarded.

Develop a well informed understanding of the narcissist’s personality structure, how he or she operates and what you can do to both protect yourself and prevail in situations with them. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Ultimately, staying married to a narcissist is psychologically damaging to the spouse and children in the family. Many non-narcissistic spouses make conscious and unconscious decisions to remain in the marriage. I often hear from spouses who didn’t realize that they were married to narcissists for decades. They believed that they deserved the abuse and humiliations and demands that were constantly heaped on them. They went along with the lies, believing the narcissist. They became emotionally upset–anxious and depressed–and made excuses for their narcissistic spouse. When we marry someone we are not aware of the totality of their personality. Narcissists are often very charming and compelling–even irresistible. Many narcissists are exceedingly successful in the world and create very comfortable life styles for their spouses and children. The non-narcissistic spouse often has a career that is successful as well.

Eventually, the narcissistic traits–lying, psychological cruelty, manipulations, constant criticisms, perfectionism, volcanic rage–become more apparent to the other spouse. The psychological pain worsens; the stress heightens. Some spouses try psychotherapy. This does not work with narcissists. They will sabotage the psychotherapy and often have the therapist take their side. The narcissist has a very rigid personality structure; he or she believes and knows that he is perfect, entitled to whatever he wants and can do no wrong. The narcissist has neither empathy nor conscience. He or she is clever at displaying a false empathy which can be convincing to most people. The conscience of the narcissist is not developed; it amounts to not getting caught.

I know that many who are married to narcissists have made the decision to remain where they are. My purpose in this post is to illuminate the narcissist’s true nature so that more spouses will become specifically aware of narcissistic psychopathology, how the narcissist perceives himself/herself and those who are impacted by his personality disorder.

Your life and your unique gifts and creativity matter. You are entitled to inner peace and the psychological space to grow. If you have children, they are entitled to the same. Understanding the narcissistic personality on a deeper level will help you to protect yourself and deal with him/her in the marital situation or in making a decision to divorce the narcissistic spouse. For more specific information on the narcissistic personality disorder, blogs and podcasts, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
TLinda elephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissistic personality is grandiose, self absorbed, manipulative and lacks empathy. The narcissist builds and protects his image–which represents for him/her his true identity. How he appears to others–attractive, brilliant, talented, socially skilled, powerful in the world–is essential to who he is.

Some narcissists cross over the line into sociopathic behaviors when they have lost control of their ever-present rage. This often happens in the middle of a divorce. The narcissist feels himself losing control over the outcome of the proceedings. He is at war with his soon to be ex-spouse. He pulls out all the stops and threatens and intimidates the other party. He uses strong armed tactics and serious verbal threats to terrorize the other party in order to get his way. At this point the narcissist is displaying sociopathic traits. He or she is caring less about image and the consequences of his threats and intimidations than what he knows he deserves—-complete victory for himself and defeat and destruction of the spouse. The ends for him justify the means, even if he is threatening his spouse and children with physical harm.

Some spouses of narcissists are unable to recognize that their narcissistic partner has crossed over the line because they are so accustomed to being treated with cruelty, threats and humiliations. It’s all the same to them. The abused spouse may not even be aware that her children must be protected and taken out of harm’s way.

After life with a narcissist, the person who has been the recipient of constant abuse for so many years needs to make certain steps toward recovery. One of the first and most difficult is the recognition that you are entitled to lead a life that is psychologically secure and safe, that you deserve your peace and that you as an individual have value. Each day you will grow and feel more entitled to lead the life that you deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

In a desperate effort to save her/his marriage some non-narcissistic partners turn to couples therapy. The narcissist enters marriage therapy with no intention of cooperation. In some instance he or she is able to manipulate the therapist into taking his side. This leaves the psychologically injured spouse in a state of confusion and emotional isolation.

Couples therapy is not effective with narcissists. These individuals know for certain that they are superior and perfect. All of the problems in the marriage have been caused by the partner, not them. In some instances if the narcissist enters couples therapy he or she is able to manipulate the therapist into siding with him, leaving the abused partner in a state of confusion and emotional isolation.

I suggest that the non-narcissistic spouse enter one on one psychotherapy (if they make the decision to participate in therapy) with a highly skilled clinician who is highly informed on the nature of the narcissistic personality disorder. The strong therapeutic alliance that is formed provides the client with insight, a working through of psychological conflicts and a strong source of support for making the decision of whether to remain in the marriage or to divorce.

To learn more about the true nature of the narcissistic personality, their psychodynamics, their exploitive games and how to deal with them successfully, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Being married to a narcissistic husband and wife is stressful and exhausting. On constant call, serving them and being the recipient of the narcissist’s outrageous demands, temper tantrums and incessant criticisms and humiliations, saps your psychological and physical energy. Many spouses wait decades to make the final decision. They keep thinking that the narcissist will change. Many husbands and wives believe that if they make every effort with their spouse to respond to their ego needs that the narcissist will finally recognize their value and have an insight. This does not happen to narcissists as you finally know. You understand that the narcissistic personality structure is rigid like steel and is very unlike to change. You make the decision and follow through with the divorce. This is a very difficult, especially since narcissists are particularly uncooperative with this process. They roadblock and sabotage their way through the divorce. Many of them misappropriate assets in clever ways that leave the other spouse in a difficult financial situation.

After you are legally divorced from your narcissistic spouse, the work of remaking and reworking your life begins. If you have been financially and psychologically independent throughout the marriage, the transition will not be as difficult. Many spouses married to narcissists realize very early that there is no real relationship between the two of them. When the divorce comes, it is no surprise to them. Other individuals believe that they can make the relationship work (They must try harder; they tell themselves) and hold on to the shattered dream of the marriage ’til the very end. These spouses need special help maneuvering the rough waters in the aftermath of the divorce. Researching and finding a skilled psychotherapist is a good starting point. Gathering loyal friends around you for support offers an environment of emotional safety and security. Being heard and understood by these friends furthers the healing process.

Be patient with yourself. You will have rough days. Don’t make harsh self judgments. You have undergone a great trauma being married to and divorcing a narcissistic spouse. The body and mind are always seeking healing and equilibrium. Work with this natural process. Pay attention to your dreams—they are wise messengers. Let yourself cry and grieve. Take time for yourself every day to meditate, journal, listen to music—whatever you do that you find to be calming and recuperative. Take care of yourself physically. Eat foods that will sustain your health and increase your energy, Exercise in the ways that are best suited to you—walking, the gym, yoga– physical activities that you enjoy. Getting enough sleep is vital. Sleep is the great healer–a blessing and balm to the body, mind and psyche. Your life is being renewed. Be kind to yourself.

Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Each narcissistic is unique in his or her own way. Despite this, they have fixed characterlogical traits: lack of empathy, ruthlessness, obsessive lying, exploitation of others, chronic deception, delusional grandiosity, self absorption, lack of conscience. The seeds of these personality traits are sown in early childhood. There is a spectrum of narcissism that includes the sociopathic narcissist. These individuals are even more destructive to others, including their own children, spouses, ex-spouses, partners, siblings. They leave no one spared when they decide to make their hostile, ruthless moves. If you are in their way they will use treacherous methods to psychologically and financially trample you like a herd of wildebeests. They are toxic to all human beings, even those within their adoring golden circle. They play dirtier than most people can imagine. I frequently hear from their victims. In some instances the early warning signs is extreme verbal abuse, violent rages and horrific intimidations. Their victims have a difficult time and are ashamed of revealing that there was physical violence involved—a shove here, a slap there, an attempted strangle (where the narcissist says “Oh, I was just playing a game” or “Don’t take this seriously; you know you are the only one for me.” Verbal abuse is a form of violence–that needs to be emphasized. When you have a sociopathic narcissist screaming at the top of his lungs every day, promising to bury you, who calls you a nutcase and poisons all of your friendships, leaving your isolated. Do not wait for the clenched fist, the head slammings against the wall, bloody teeth in your hand, a pillow that stops your breathing.

Watch carefully at the beginning of your acquaintance with a narcissist. He/she will always give themselves away if you pay close attention. When you get that creepy feeling in your gut or the short hairs on the back of your neck stand at attention, you know whom you are dealing with—a violent out of control sociopathic narcissist.

Leave this person now before the violence escalates and your life is endangered and there is no return. You deserve to feel secure, solid, peaceful—free to use all of your creative gifts, to form trusting loving relationships and to fulfill all of your aspirations. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.