Narcissistic Personality - The Narcissist In Your Life

Children of Narcissists Have a Right to Heal

So many adult children of narcissistic mothers and/or fathers hold on to their suffering—not on purpose but unconsciously because that has been their reality all of their lives. From the time they could barely walk and talk they were psychologically bruised and bloodied by the narcissistic parent. Every day there was a new accusation, a criticism that cut through to the bone, a smirk that said: “You are worthless; I wish you had never been born.” “Why can’t you be like your brilliant older sister who gets all A’s.” “You have an uneven nose and thin lips. We’ll have to take you to a plastic surgeon later on so you don’t embarrass the family.”

“Sometimes you smell; it disgusts me.” And on and on—an endless road of insults that wound the heart and shake the nerves. Yet you have survived this gulag of abuse. That is a great accomplishment and you have done it with you humanity intact.

Know that you have a right to heal—-completely. You can disengage yourself from all of the cruel, malicious blows of your narcissistic parent. You don’t have to carry these burdens any longer. Begin by recognizing that although you share the DNA of your narcissistic parent, you are a separate individual. You are entitled to develop all of your talents and gifts fully. You are entitled to feel a deep inner peace and a love for yourself. You are entitled to be healthy in body, mind and spirit. You have a separate life that is precious. You are entitled to resurrect your humor, the sing when you feel happy, to embrace others, to be spontaneous, to live fully in this moment. Some children of narcissistic parents benefit from psychotherapy.Do the research and make sure that your therapist is highly trained, devoted to her/his clients and very empathic. Make sure you don’t sense a money motive and especially check it out to rule out a narcissistic psychotherapist. They are out there, victimizing vulnerable clients. There are many healing pathways. Find the ones that work for you–gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, creative endeavors that put you in touch with the unlimited use of your imagination. Some form of exercise is very valuable in keeping your body strong, your nerves quiet and your mind clear. Become aware of the precious moment: the tiny sound of the hummingbird over your head–greeting you, the wind wafting through your nostrils, the full smile of a happy baby, the warm hug of a friend, the moon at night darting in and out of the clouds. the lake of stars above like a diamond tiara—-endless moments of beauty. You can and will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Endless Nightmare Married to a Sociopath

You notice the smooth talk that focuses on you alone, the penetrating gaze, the over-confident vibe, the irresistible physicality. You were seduced in style. He anticipated everything you always wanted. You never thought you would deserve such a catch. The sexual chemistry was incendiary. Like the pull of a strong tide, you couldn’t move away from him. In the first minutes, he had you. Your thoughts swirled and went askew. A small voice kept saying: this is too fast, be careful, watch out. But this voice is a tiny wail in a thunderous ocean of sound. Your temple pulses rush; your legs wobble. There is quick rising pleasure as you acquiesce to his presence. He wants to take you out. You say No at first, followed by your confusion and then Yes. This is the beginning of a relationship that seems magical–out of this world but will turn worse than ugly.

The courtship is fast and dizzying, a wild giddy ride of sensual appetites satiated and thrilling promises. You get married and know that this is the best moment of your life. For a while life is a living fantasy of having every need and want fulfilled. As the days move into months you notice subtle shifts in his behavior toward you. He becomes less attentive. He finds your questions about him intrusive and you hear the sharpness in his tone of voice. He spends vast amounts of time with his “investments”. You don’t know about his career other than something vague about a private investment fund that he owns and runs for clients. Clint spends less and less time with you. He is out late and doesn’t call. On occasion he is gone all night. “I had to meet an important client at the airport and it got to late.” That’s the kind of excuse he gave. You swallowed them but there was a doubt in your mind now. “I don’t think you can trust this person” it kept saying.

One night very late, he comes home and he is very pissed off. One of his deals fell through and he is in a fury. You try to help him talk through it. He grabs you by the arm, digging his fingers sharply and painfully into you. “This is none of your business. Shut up!” “If you keep talking, I’ll slam you against the wall, I promise.” You are shocked and terrified. Keep quiet, the frightened child’s voice says to you. Clint becomes more evasive and absent from home. He gets telephone calls late at night. He moves into the other room so you can’t hear him. One day you notice that he has withdrawn $50,000 from your bank account. You have put his name on your private account. Clint glibly makes excuses and promises to pay you back in a week. This never happens. Now you are very suspicious but afraid to confront him. After months of this destructive pattern of his behavior and your misery and horror (you can’t sleep at night and have headaches constantly) you tell a friend what is really going on. Fortunately, she helps you find a good therapist. The therapeutic work is painful but healing. You finally recognize that this man whom you have loved is highly disturbed—a sociopath. You discover with research that he has a long history of taking advantage of women financially and sexually. You choose an excellent Divorce attorney and make a detailed plan to leave. You don’t give a clue to Clint about your plans. During a weekend when he is heavily into a “Business Deal” you leave without a trace. You have chosen an excellent divorce attorney. All communications take place through the attorneys. One fine day the divorce is final. You have extricated yourself from an ultimate nightmare marriage to a sociopath. Not all life stories of marriages to sociopaths end as well as this one. Learn everything possible about the sociopathic personality and the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your LifeEmail: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Be Prepared Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

Many spouses wait years , even decades on a wild, treacherous ride
with their narcissistic partner. As time passes they become more
miserable, weary and wary about their marital partner. There are many
rounds of couples therapy which do no good. In some cases the therapist
sides with the narcissistic spouse and convinces you that you have the
serious psychological problems that are causing problems with the
marriage. Narcissists are so clever and such fine actors that they fool
therapists with their charm and magnetism. After you have tried
everything possible and are at a turning point, you make the decision to
divorce your spouse.

I suggest you don’t announce your decision until you are fully prepared for every aspect of this event.
In some cases that are particularly acrimonious the spouse has her/his
attorney get in touch with the other side. Choosing the right attorney
is of utmost importance. It is wise to interview several lawyers who
specialize in divorce and family law. Get good referrals from your close
friends but remember that everyone is an individual. Don’t just agree to use the first lawyer you speak to, this is your future that you are trusting them with so you need to be sure the lawyer has your best interests at hear and not their billable hours. The best way to access a list of lawyers in your area is to carry out a search on your computer; if you live in Austin, Texas then you may want to search for Austin Divorce Lawyers. If it’s New York you call home, then search for NY Divorce Lawyers, and if you live in Los Angeles then you will want to search for LA Divorce Lawyers, for those who live in Massachusetts search for MA Divorce Lawyers, whevever you live just make sure to include your town, city or even state in your search term and that way you’ll be sure to find lawyers local to you, next you need to review some of their websites don’t just phone the first one you come across, make a list of the ones that you like the sound of and then call them, that way you are giving yourself the best chance to find a Divorce Lawyer that you will be comfortable in working with, one you can trust and one that you believe will have your best interest at heart. You should also consider their success rate; An uncontested divorce lawyer austin may make you more comfortable with what’s to come than one that isn’t. Don’t let others make your mind up for you, remember it is your
decision alone. In addition to the professional skills, knowledge and
expertise of the lawyer, consider his or her personality. This
individual must have a keen sense of the nature of the narcissistic
personality. You want a lawyer who is calm, competent and your loyal
advocate at all times. The attorney needs to be quick at perceiving some
new ruse the narcissist and his attorney have hatched to sabotage you.
One plan is to wear you down so far emotionally and physically that you
are not up for the challenge. Make sure you take very good care of
yourself especially during this time. Get your sleep, take time to be
quiet and calm each day through meditation, gentle yoga, exercise,
journaling—what works best for you. This is your time. Take full
advantage of it. Keep focused on your personal, creative and
professional strengths. Know that you will prevail.Turn to a few friends
whom you trust completely and allow yourself to be nurtured by them.
Some spouses that brief psychotherapy during this time is highly
supportive and informative. When you form a strong therapeutic alliance
with an excellent therapist it can make a great difference in moving
through this process. Interview several therapists if that is necessary.

Take the upper road but be keenly aware that the narcissist is a street
fighter who hits below the belt and can get down and dirty. You already
know this from being married to him/her. Don’t be surprised at the
outrageous lengths he will go to intimidate you or trap you or use a
well hatched trick to take the financial assets that are lawfully yours.
Protect your children by being tough and don’t lose your cool. The
narcissist want you off balance and out of control so he can show how
disturbed you are. He/she will lie about you. Know that the people who
are truly your friends know exactly who you are and the others who
believe him must be dismissed.

Give yourself credit.
You are about to become free after years of psychological imprisonment.
Call upon the warrior inside of you, the one who knows exactly who this
person is and also knows that you will prevail.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You Can’t Fix Your Narcissistic Mother

If you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you have worn
yourself out, trying to make her different. She suffers from a severe,
fixed personality disorder that does not change. Her lies, the terror
that she inflicts, her psychological and emotional blows upon you are
unconscious projections of her self hatred. This is not about you; it’s
about her psychopathology. Stop blaming yourself, if that’s what you
have been doing since you were a child. Free yourself of guilt.

If
a brother or sister of yours has been treated since birth as a prince
or princess, that’s because mother chose them to mirror her belief that
she is perfect. She aspired to create a clone of herself. Having a
chosen brother or sister in the family makes life more painful. You were
always compared with the perfect one and of course came up short. None
of this is true but how could you have known when you were a small
child. Now you know that this sibling is a full fledged narcissistic
personality—another person you want to avoid and who has a complete
lack of empathy.

We can heal and change our attitudes
toward ourselves. We must develop self mercy and look at the small child
inside of us who has suffered so much and soothe and give love to this
little one. Great healing takes place by going into the calming mode in
the nervous system. This is done in a variety of ways. Gentle yoga with
emphasis on breathing through the nostrils brings a feeling of deep
relaxation into the body/mind.

Cardiovascular exercise (what works
for you) removes obsessive thinking and brings us to a state of peace.
Some people benefit from working with an excellent acupuncturist who
facilitates your dropping down into the most restful state. Listening to
calming music, sketching, journaling are all ways to switch us back to
where we belong–in a state of rest and peace. In this inner place you
leave all of your emotional pain behind. You are linked with a healing
dynamic that we have within us. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Ex-Spouses Psychologically Poison Their Children

Remember that narcissists are without conscience or shame. They will
never apologize for some horrible trauma they have caused you or your
children. In fact, they blame every calamity on you. They twist the
truth like a warm pretzel. Some spouses believe their lives are great because they
have been brainwashed over the years. Others are
immersed in the lifestyle that he/she provides for them. There are too
many trips, parties, lovely possessions, gifts and all the other
distractions that keep them deluded by the fantasies of having what they
want. They are like children in a candy store with unlimited amounts of
money to buy every treat they can reach.

When the
marriage disintegrates and the nasty divorce dance is over, there are custody arrangements. These always cause problems. With half and half custody the narcissistic ex-spouse
spends enough time with his/her children to psychologically poison them
against the other parent. They tell outright lies to the point of
describing an affair that the other spouse had. None of this is true.
The children find this information very alarming. What makes this even
worse is the narcissistic ex-spouse swears the children to secrecy.
Don’t say a word; this is between you and me. Narcissists thrive on
secrets. It makes them feel powerful. They control others with this
mendacity. It pits one person against the other and weakens them. They
are sadistic and love to watch others twist in the wind and lose their
psychological footing.

Maintaining a loving, open,
close relationship with your children is key to offsetting the
psychological poison of the narcissistic ex-spouse. When the
relationship is solid and loving, your children will tell you exactly
what is going on when you are not in their presence. We only need one
good loving parent or a parent surrogate.

Use your intuition and you will know what your ex-spouse is cooking up. You can smell the aromas of his deceptive stew of lies. You have the drop on him. You know the truth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses Seek Revenge Taking A Pound of Your Flesh

Narcissists are always on the take. They are aggressive, unempathic, merciless and driven to get exactly what they want. If you have been married to one for years or decades, you must know that they don’t care about your feelings. They are using you for their own purposes. Everyone in their lives is expendable. They can and will replace you. Narcissistic spouses wear you down to the nub. If you are emotionally and psychologically vulnerable, you are at particular risk.

If you want to stay in the narcissist’s favor, you must mirror them perfectly. Regardless of how perfect you are and how well you follow their orders, it is never enough. If you cross them and become more independent, they seek revenge. Since they don’t have a conscience to slow them down, they go right for the jugular. They take their pound of your flesh. They kick you when you are down and take control of mutual financial assets. They know how to whisk them away in secret, leaving you vulnerable and at their mercy.

If you wait too long to divorce them and they have the upper hand, the narcissist holds the best cards. He slaps you when you are down. I know of situations of narcissistic husbands refusing to help a spouse who was physically ill. She had to drive herself to the hospital.

Narcissistic husbands and narcissistic wives out of revenge will work the mediators and courts to get custody of your children. They hire attorneys who are slick, hungry beasts.

Arm yourself with research about the true nature of the narcissist. Recognize that this person cannot change. This is a fixed personality disorder. Don’t be pulled back into the pseudo marriage by his empty promises and pitiful martyr performances. Be prepared for his tawdry act but know that he will seek revenge, get it and never look back. The narcissist is hard and cold, like a piece of stone.

Make your move to sever the relationship soon rather than later. You have courage and talents and your life ahead of you. Many before you have made this break and discovered that at the end of the tunnel there is freedom, inner peace and an expansion of your creative gifts. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sadistic Narcissistic Mothers Aim Knives at Your Heart

Some narcissistic mothers hated you before you were born. They didn’t
want children. They were obsessed with their careers and climbing to
the very top. (Every woman who climbs to the top in her career is not a
narcissist.) This often includes finding a man that will be a
reflection of their perfection. Narcissistic women often choose weak men
whom they can completely control.

Narcissistic women
have no substance, conscience, compassion or empathy. They are highly
ambitious, very bright, exceedingly driven and determined to reach the
pinnacles of power. Narcissistic women have children not because they
are capable of love but to use as narcissistic supplies that will
burnish their external image. They can say they have it all and can do
it all. Their children are often taken care by babysitters and nannies
from the beginning of their lives. Their children are narcissistic
supplies, especially the kid that is chosen as the golden child. This
child is claimed perfect from the beginning and often becomes a budding
narcissist.

The worst narcissistic mothers are highly
sadistic. They obtain pleasure from terrifying you. When you are a baby
they startle you with their loud voice or allow the other children to
pinch you and pretend that this is a funny game. Narcissists
unconsciously despise themselves. They project their self hatred on to
their children, especially those she has placed in the role of
scapegoat.

Some of the children of narcissistic
mothers describe their childhoods as unbearable. They were constantly
hanging on by an emotional thread waiting the moment of annihilation.
Narcissistic mothers aim knives at your heart. They attempt to
de-humanize you, to take away your integrity, to humiliate you. This
works with some children who simply give up the fight and hide in the
shadows and escape deep into their minds. Some children numb out and
freeze their feelings. The very sensitive child feels his/her sadistic
narcissistic mother’s knife pointed at her heart. She is a child caught
up in combat who feels her life psychologically endangered. The sadistic
mother thrills at watching her child in primal terror. Now she has
complete control over this person.

Keep your heart
open, secure and free. As the adult child of a narcissistic mother you
can heal. The process can take a long time. It requires consistent work
and some adult children find healing through professional psychotherapy.
Other strategies involve gentle hatha yoga, meditation in the form that
works for you, finding emotional support from friends whom you trust.
You can prevail and heal your psychological and emotional wounds and
strengthen yourself. To learn about every facet of narcissistic
personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sadistic Narcissistic Mothers Aim Knives at Your Heart

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Couples Build Picture Perfect Lives

Perception is everything to the narcissist. We are talking about the
perfection of the external image that is shown to the world. Narcissists
are incapable of introspection, self analysis, insight, compassion and a
whole host of attributes that make a person human.

There
are men and women who discover one another and fall for their mirror
image. They are lost in the spell of its beauty and impeccability. The
style, confident manner, social sophistication bring these two people
together. The narcissistic pair have the same goals to make it in the
material world, to become part of an elite group that is lionized and
has special privileges. They worship indulgence and obsessively find
pleasure in creating external environments of luxury and excess. The
must always have the best. They are competitive with others in seeking
more extravagance in their possessions, lifestyles and the company they
keep. They are never satisfied and continue to climb.

There
is nothing happening inside of these narcissists who have coupled.
Their inner world is bleak, restless, empty. Beneath the surface, in the
depths of the unconscious lies self loathing and feelings of
worthlessness. They are overcompensating on the outside for what they do
not have on the inside. Many people are impressed by successful
narcissistic couples, especially if they don’t recognize these
individuals as highly pathological. In fact, they are entranced. They
seek out their company and become followers and imitators of their
mentors.

Look beyond the glitter, entourages, perfect
environments, faces and bodies to recognize that there is nothing that
these people have to offer you. Research the narcissistic personality
and learn how they operate and what motivates them. Understand their
duplicity and betrayals, the way they make other people’s lives,
intolerable. Take a simpler road away from the glitter and sham they
have created and sell as real. Listen to the truth inside of you and
follow it. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality,
visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Men Despise Independent Women

Narcissists control others with the back of their hand. They have
learned this from childhood. Male narcissists were often controlled by
their mothers. Momma, mom, mother—adored them to use as her puppet and
her psychological partner. She chose her son over her husband. Some
adult male narcissists report that mother comes to visit the family and
in secret tells her son that she wants to go to dinner with him for a
“date.” The narcissistic male is often psychologically possessed by his
mother. Unconsciously he grows to hate her. There is always an
ambivalence with mother, a love/hate relationship. The male child
cannot be free and is emasculated.

Ironically,
narcissistic men love the chase and the seduction of women. If they are
married they often have numerous affairs, even hidden children in the
shadows. With each conquest they move on to the next. They never tire;
they are hungry for more females they can conquer. If they are powerful
in the world and good looking and completely charming, they succeed on a
superficial level. They are voracious in their need to seduce.

Narcissistic
men despise women who are independently minded—those they cannot fool
and know instantly who they really are. Some women are so astute that
after a few flirtatious rounds they have picked up the scent of the
narcissist and turn their heads away. The narcissist cannot have them,
cannot bargain with them, cannot possess them. They are contained and
control their own lives—they are psychologically independent women.
Narcissistic men hate what they cannot own and control and abuse. The
narcissistic man is never free of the mother who controls him even after
her death. She has put her imprint on his soul and it is indelible.

Narcissistic
men despise all women and independent ones in particular. If you are in
this category, celebrate. If you have been fooled by a narcissistic man
(and that includes a lot of us) but now know who they really are, give
yourself a hand. If you are just finding out that the man you are with
is a narcissist, keep doing your research. It is worth the effort. There
is a celebration ahead for you. Never stop digging for the truth.

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com