Narcissistic Personality - The Narcissist In Your Life

Varieties of Narcissistic Rage I

Beneath the surface the narcissist is always seething with rage. Some narcissists are clever concealers. No one in their external environment would ever suspect that in the privacy of their homes they are out of control screamers. It is not unusual for them to literally get in your face. You watch the veins of the face and neck bulging, wondering when they’re going to pop. I have heard many horrendous stories of a narcissistic parent’s menacing ways. Some narcissists carry out physical beatings on their children. Others prefer the psychological torture of maintaining an environment of terror and panic. By keeping the anxiety temperature at the highest levels, children and spouses are in a constant state of uneasiness. This makes them easy pawns for manipulation.

One of the most unpleasant varieties is that of the narcissist who creates ugly public scenes to get what he wants, when he wants it. He will accept no authority other than his own. When he is in restaurants, stores, at meetings and his argument is not going well, he simply turns up the volume to full blast. The people around him are first shocked. Then they become frightened. I have seen many narcissists get their way with this full throated approach.

The opposite is the covert narcissist–that charming, gracious, attractive, “humble” individual who pretends to be a saint but has been plotting your occupational, marital or psychological demise for a very long time. These are the tricksters, those double agent narcissists who present themselves as saviors and then go into all out combat to destroy you when the right moment arises. They are the schemers. You may even believe they are your ally. Never be surprised among family members. When it comes to wills and trusts there is often treachery and betrayal. An aunt, parent or sibling has plotted most of his life to acquire the family wealth, leaving crumbs to everyone else. He or she plays up the aging matriarch or patriarch, tells lies about the other family members, fabricates scandals, even crimes. These fictional tales are believed by the aging parent. The villain here makes sure that he maintains his role as savior to the parent holding the bulging purse of gold. He goes out of his way to be unusually attentive. He orchestrates his meticulous moves in such a way that he is trusted completely and given complete control of the estate and all of its holdings. This knowledge remains secret until the parent is deceased.. All hell breaks loose when the other family members learn the truth of the betrayal. But it is too late. This treacherous deed is a way of obtaining the maximum of narcissistic supplies for himself and at the same time disrupting and eclipsing the lives of other family members. The narcissist has achieved his only goal—winning at any cost. This is the circuitous route his rage has taken—the web of lies, deceits, plotting, secrecy, revenge and destruction. These narcissists have no conscience and never look back on what they have done. They easily justify all of their evil moves. They deserve to have everything. They are entitled to all of the spoils and winnings. That’s the way they play their dirty game, stepping on friends and family members to reach their goals.

One particularly egregious type of narcissistic rage is revealed in the endless fight for custody of children that is waged for years. The narcissists doesn’t give a damn about his children with the exception of a child he can use as an echo of himself. His children are possessions to be used to take revenge and destroy the life of the ex-wife or ex-husband. I have witnessed too many occasions in which the narcissist has used loopholes and machinations of the justice system to obtain a substantial amount of custody of his children. This is not done out of love but spite. Even further, it speaks of sadistic measures on his part that are meant to land a final blow to the non-narcissistic spouse who truly loves the children.

Waging these battles is very tough and requires the support of an excellent attorney who has mastered family law and understands the dark meanderings of the narcissistic mind. If you are in this position, do not give up or give in. Gather support around you from every quarter. You may lose some of your financial assets (or not) but you will have saved your children. That is the greatest achievement of all—creating a peaceful, emotionally consistent and calm, affectionate and loving, affirmative and creative life for your children. This is their legacy–the demonstration of the depth of your love. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists are Never Wrong-They are Perfect

You can never win with a narcissist if you are a person who is truth oriented. Narcissists live in a world where their delusions of power and omnipotence are the truth. If you are married to a narcissist or have a parent who is a narcissist if its very stressful and disconcerting to “always be wrong.” When a powerful narcissist repeats the same lie over and over again and has a large audience of believers, his adoring circle will side with him/her against you. Truth is foreign to the narcissist. His personality is built on a grandiose false self, a person who was created to believe that he was superior, perfect and without flaw. He was never held accountable for his mistakes, lies or cruelties. His parents gave him no sense of limits or respect for other human beings. He learned as a child to exploit and manipulate other human beings to win at any cost. The damage to another person’s life was collateral and necessary to his goals. Narcissists early on believe that they are always right, will never admit horrendous mistakes and when confronted, will deflect, delay and tell more lies. They believe they are invincible and perfect. Everyone else is a prospective pawn on his chess table.

You cannot have a real relationship with a narcissist whether this is a spouse, parent or sibling. They will continue to use you, demean you, lie to you and deceive you. Learn to protect yourself from narcissistic family members by studying this personality disorder in depth. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Mothers-Where are the Grown-Ups

Some narcissistic mothers want to remain forever young even when they have daughters who are in their forties and fifties. I’m not talking about working to stay healthy, agile and strong. I speaking about physical appearance only. Narcissistic mothers are often jealous of how their teenage and young adult daughters are attracting a lot of men. With the aid of plastic surgery and many other youth enhancing procedures, it is possible for mature women to look as much as twenty years younger than their chronological age. Often I see mothers and daughters out together and it is very difficult to tell who is the grown-up. Narcissistic mothers often dress inappropriately young for their age and role. They wear provocative clothing that is inappropriate in order to draw attention to themselves and away from their daughters. There are occasions when narcissistic mothers seduce their daughter’s boyfriends–a horrible betrayal of trust. This is to prove that she is sought after sexually and that her daughter cannot win, not even a boyfriend whom she had trusted. The narcissistic mother often treats her daughter as an acquaintance of the same age. There are extremes in which the daughter plays the part of mother to her own mother. This is profoundly sad and highly pathological.

Daughters subjected to this kind of abusive treatment throughout their lives find it impossible to continue these sick relationships. They often leave the family, become independent of the narcissistic mother and find their own way . They have recognized that the narcissist cannot mother–love, protect, cherish, be proud of, her own child. This is a very sad realization that needs to be acknowledged and mourned. In the process of healing these daughters recognize their value as individuals and are grateful to be intact after growing up with such serious psychopathology.

These daughters are moving forward to embrace their lives as mature, empathic, productive and loving individuals who deserve all of the credit for doing the hard work of becoming the person they were meant to be. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Healing from A Narcissistic Sibling

You may have spent your childhood trying to get the respect and affection of one of your siblings. With an older brother or sister, the younger child often looks up to this individual as a model. The small child wants to be just like their older sibling. Some parents encourage this kind of veneration, especially if the parent(s) are grooming the older child as a golden boy (or girl) narcissist. This child is looked upon as superior. This is often the case if the selected individual is very bright and the parents idolize academic achievement. In these homes getting the highest grades and honors is considered absolutely essential in these families. There is an obsessiveness about academic achievement and professional success that begins when children are very young. Even in the womb some mothers are already planning where their child will attend college and what are the best professions for him/her to pursue. Physical attractiveness is another inherent trait that is revered by narcissistic parents and along with this the child who is magnetic, outgoing and confident. As these golden siblings grow up they are treated differently from the other siblings. They are treated with great deference. Parents believe that they are so special that they don’t have to follow the rules required by their other siblings. They can treat brothers and sisters with great cruelty and get away with it. There is a no limits attitude–do what you want, dear, attitude that pervades in these households.

Sharing your life with a narcissistic brother or sister or two siblings can be hellish. The non-narcissistic siblings feels very isolated. This child is often very sensitive and intuitive. He or she is not understood by the narcissistic parents. No one is interested about their thoughts, feelings, creative ideas. If they are fortunate they form positive relationships with good teachers and classmates with whom they can share their insights.

At home the non-narcissistic sibling is victimized—always being put down, laughed at, , in some cases, threatened with physical abuse. In some cases the narcissistic sibling routinely subjects his younger brother or sister to physical blows and then swears this terrified child to secrecy or there will be horrible revenge.
The narcissistic sibling often turns the other siblings on the scapegoated child and everyone, even the parents, chime in to demean, humiliate and even laugh at him/her. These chronic patterns of abuse are very traumatic. The child has no one to turn to, to speak with , to comfort him. These victims often grow up to be anxious adults who feel unentitled and insignificant.

You would think that the adult narcissistic sibling would grow up and start treating his brothers and sisters with affection and respect. This is not the case. They keep getting their digs in, reminding you that you are inferior and less than.

You don’t deserve to be treated with humiliation and cruelty by anyone, especially your siblings. If you have been chronically abused in one of these family constellations, you can free yourself of this dysfunctional psychological system.

Acknowledging and appreciating that you are a unique human being is the beginning of your healing. Your life has intrinsic value. You can take the reins of your destiny and choose new directions at any age. You don’t have remain stuck in a pathological family pattern. Learn to relax your mind and body. This boosts your physical, emotional and psychological health. Some people do a meditation practice consistently. This provides tremendous capacities for thinking mindfully and developing deep insights. Consistent meditation allows us to detach psychologically from what we have suffered as children and to put our live in perspective.
Surround yourself with a small support group of people who care about you and are empathic. Stretch your creative muscles; use your imagination, listen to your intuition. Learn to appreciate you spontaneity and be sure to appreciate your delightful sense of humor. to learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Men-Psychologically Seduced by Their Narcissistic Mothers

Narcissistic men are always on the prowl, the search for the perfect woman. She must be beautiful, even ultra-gorgeous, adoring of him, compliant and willing to be manipulated and follow his orders. There are many women in this category who have made this decision to put their lives and destinies in absolute alignment with a narcissistic partner. The psychological truth about the nature of narcissistic men and their attitude toward women is the reverse from the image that is perpetuated.

When the narcissistic mother chooses a son as the perfect child, the answer to all of her dreams, this is fateful for her child’s life and for every woman with whom this budding narcissist will have a partnership or marriage. There is a deep psychopathology between narcissistic mothers and their chosen sons. Although there is no literal seduction in most cases of the son, the narcissistic mother is erotically and psychologically fused with him. In these family constellations, the husband has been neutered by the narcissistic wife. These women keep their spouses around for image purposes and the lifestyle and secure financial arrangements.

The narcissistic mother does not make a distinction that he is separate from her. She possesses him like an indispensable object. Architect Frank Lloyd Wright’s mother referred to her son as her Prince. This is the classic role of the chosen narcissistic son. The enmeshed son is flattered by this form of adoration and feels an enhanced ego as a result of his mother’s extraordinary attentions. Beneath the surface in the unconscious the narcissistic son despises his mother for harnessing him to her. Another byproduct of this use of the son as an object of adoration and psychological imprisonment is the narcissist’s hatred of women in general which originates from their fear of women. Much of this comes from the primal narcissistic mother’s pulling the puppet strings of her son’s life. He has become her creation.

Inside these narcissistic sons are empty, feel restless, enraged and worthless. They have never been allowed to develop as authentic human beings. The psychological seduction by the narcissistic mother foments a hatred of her that lies deep in the unconscious of the narcissistic son.The narcissistic mother never allows her son to become a real man. She severely damages his manhood with her erotic promise of complete psychological fusion. This is devastating to the narcissist. The emasculated narcissistic son spends his life taking advantage of women–wooing them, seducing them, discarding them–one right after the other. He cheats on women, treats them with disrespect, uses them as objects and eclipses their lives. The narcissistic mother’s damage to her son lives long after her in the ravaging effects the narcissist has on every woman that he brings into his life. Learn to identify and deal with narcissistic men and narcissistic women. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Rage Harms Spouses and Children

“The force of narcissistic rage is cataclysmic, designed to leave no survivors. The timing of its eruptions is unpredictable. There is no chance to escape and run for cover. The victim feels invaded even assaulted. The aftermath causes emotional pain and devastation.” (From Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.)

Child of the Narcissist—Never Had a Parent

“The child of a narcissist must endure that he never had a real or loving parent. The mother or father that they revered and cherished was a counterfeit: on the surface, beautiful, handsome, charming, bright; on the inside, cold disingenuous, enraged, empty. Many children of narcissistic parents struggle throughout their lives to obtain the love and acceptance their mother and/or father failed to provide. They suffer from the endless flicker hope that now or tomorrow or next year this mother or father will be different—capable of love.” (Quote from: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

Children of narcissists are searching for the love they never received from their parent(s). Many blame themselves that they weren’t perfect and therefore were unable to obtain the nurturing that they needed. They feel inadequate inside and incapable of moving forward. These adult children don’t have access to their unique creative gifts because their time as children was taken up by the narcissist parent who siphoned off all of the energy and attention for himself. Children of narcissists are often distrustful of others and tend to isolate socially. Some are too trusting and needy and end up becoming involved with narcissistic personalities. Children of narcissists often choose the wrong partners or spouses, repeating in their current lives what they have suffered as children in the past.

Learn to recognize that your life has intrinsic meaning. You are not responsible for having narcissistic parents. You have survived and this is a great achievement. I have been in communication with many children of narcissistic parents who are highly empathic individuals. Work on your healing—looking down the road at the life in front of you. This destiny belongs to you. Take it in your hands and reach high, deep and wide. Recapture your life, appreciate your lovely uniqueness. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Ultimate Narcissistic Delusion—Believing They are Good People

“Although he may be a malevolent human being, the narcissist believes that he is a “good person.” (From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) Au contraire! Those who have been married to narcissists or had a narcissistic parent tell a very different story. They have spent much of their lives at the mercy of the narcissist’s deceptions, intimidations, exploitations and complete lack of empathy. Within the inner walls of the family the ugly truth is laid bare. Narcissists put members of their family at their mercy. They terrify their children with threats, horrific rages and innumerable broken promises. Children of narcissists are used as props for photo opportunities and public display at social and business events. Their role is to be decorative and to increase the narcissist’s opportunities to boost his ego. Narcissists luxuriate in their bragging rights about their golden children. It isn’t enough for them to be talking about how wonderful they are every moment. They extend this activity to the child/children they have chosen to make them look even more superior.

Despite all of their transgressions as human beings—a complete lack of loyalty to spouses, the perpetual personal betrayals, the lives they have destroyed with their lies, the people they have psychologically maimed and stepped on to get to the top, they believe and convince many others that they are Good Human Beings.
They play this part so expertly that many in their personal and professional circles believe them. And to make it even worse, they blame those who have been victimized by the narcissists, including his own children. Current and ex-wives who are maligned by the narcissist are put on the “she’s a nutcase list”. If children don’t tow the line they become personas non grata and are ejected from the family tableau.

To protect yourself from narcissists and take the upper hand with them, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Is the Narcissist Exploiting You Again…

“The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others-their time, talent, creative ideas, energies-to serve his purpose alone…All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive….Whether personal or professional, agreements, contracts, or covenants with narcissists are made to be broken.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).

Narcissists don’t waste their time with you unless you will bring them success, status and/or money. If you are not, they cannot be bothered with you and cross you off of their list. The narcissist is always scanning his environment, looking for those who will produce for him. By seduction or guile he will win over and claim as his own those who will feed his boundless ego. Every relationship for the narcissist is a stepping-stone to success. Narcissists are always looking toward the future to plot, plan and achieve their next goal.

Narcissists think of others as inanimate objects, like pieces on a chessboard that they can masterfully manipulate.

To protect yourself from narcissists and be free of their intrusions on your life, learn to identify them quickly. Pay close attention to your intuition–that wisest of voices that always tells you who someone really is. Study the narcissistic personality disorder in depth. Build a strong grounded center within yourself. Treat yourself with respect and build a strong sense of self entitlement. Practice healing modalities that work for you: gentle hat yoga, q gong, meditation. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Carry No Human Burdens Including Shame or Guilt

Narcissists travel through life lightly and deftly. Whether at center stage performing their convincing act and wowing their crowd, narcissists are not burdened or distracted by shame or guilt. As long as they are getting their egos constantly stroked and bolstered and vanquishing their competitors, they are manic with their perfection, mastery and superiority. For those of us who actually have a conscience and feel shame when we have done something to hurt another human being, life each day is more complex and at times painful. Having to consider the feelings of others is a responsibility that many individuals take very seriously. It is part of their imprint as a person of integrity. When we are empathic with someone who is suffering this requires our time and energy. We have to stop what we are doing to help someone with whom we have a close bond or someone we don’t know as well who needs our assistance desperately. Those who have a conscience and are empathic naturally place this person’s dilemma or crisis as a priority over their own immediate goals.

Most individuals feel shame when they have done something that is wrong. Shame is a very uncomfortable feeling, a body-mind experience that can be very painful and humiliating. Some children are unmercifully shamed when they are young. This has a negative impact on their feelings of self worth if it is particularly egregious and repetitive. Growing into adulthood we experience situations in which we are ashamed of ourselves for being foolish, impulsive, cruel, dismissive and insensitive of others as well as for some of the impulsive acts we have indulged in. We feel the shame, understand what we have done, forgive ourselves and ask for forgiveness when required and move on with our lives.

The narcissists experiences neither guilt nor shame. He is impervious to the truth since he lives in complete delusion. If you have ever wondered how narcissists get so much accomplished, remember that they know how to get others to perform the work that they are too superior to do, that they don’t pay attention to or raise their children (unless they are molding a golden child who will become the family god) their spouses are disposable objects used for decoration and display that will burnish their personal and professional “brand”. These people are so ruthless that they attempt to psychologically disrupt the lives of their own children if they don’t go along with the narcissist’s program for every phase of living.

Holding some shame and/or guilt is part of being an authentic human being. As we move closer into understanding the deeper and often darker reaches of ourselves, we learn to let the shame we were holding from long ago to fade out as we heal. We discern when it is necessary and even instructive to feel guilty over our transgressions. We work them through, resolved not to repeat these negative regressive patterns of thought and deed again. Unlike the narcissist who is always psychologically regressed like a spoiled, cruel petulant child, we must forge ahead to continue to grow for the rest of our lives, balancing the light and dark of our personalities, nourishing our creative gifts and expanding and deepening our compassion for others. To learn in-depth about the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com