Category: Narcissistic Personality

About to Marry a Second Narcissist? Remember What You Have Learned

Our hearts are drawn quickly and beat fiercely with someone who is irresistible. That often is the narcissistic man or woman these days. They have our numbers, are often very attractive and compelling. They give us so much attention in the beginning. The narcissist always wants something from us and it is not ultimately our welfare or peace of mind, or our creative, psychological or spiritual growth.

There is a strong human tendency to repeat patterns of behavior, especially those that are hurtful to us. Many children of narcissistic parents marry narcissists. Children have no choice of their parents. Many of them feel that they were to blame for their narcissistic parent’s disapproval and abuse of them. It is not unusual for them to step into a marriage to someone who has fooled them completely with a grandiose false self full of self confidence and who appears to care deeply about them.

If you have already gone through the hell of divorcing your narcissistic spouse some time ago and now you are suspecting that your intended man or woman is a narcissist, remember what you learned the first round about the characteristics of the NPD:

1. Narcissists are often attractive and very self confident. They are clever actors who convince others that they truly care about them.

2. Narcissists are consumed by their perfect image. If you notice that this person with whom you are thinking “marriage” is fixated on his/her external image over substance, that is a big red flag.

3. Does this individual over promise? Is he or she very grandiose and could possibly be delusional?

4. Is he or she the Golden Boy or Golden Girl in the family? Not all of these GBs and GGs are narcissists but many are. Watch the family dynamics and pay attention to the adoration of mom and/or dad.

5. Does your intended let it slip that he or she enjoys being ruthless with others and doesn’t value anyone who is not successful in the world?

6. Does this person lack true empathy? –the genuine capacity to put yourself emotionally and psychologically in another person’s place. Are they skilled at pseudo empathy?

7. How often are you catching him/her in lies? Narcissists are gifted liars. Lying for them is as automatic as breathing.

8. If he or she is too good to be true, pay close attention to your intuition. Be receptive to these precious messages. This gift is with us throughout our lives. The more we use intuition, the more powerful it becomes.

9. Narcissistic personalities are not inclined to change.After all they believe they are perfect and live in a delusion of their own making. Take a long look at the person with whom you are planning to share your life. Remember what you have suffered and endured with the last narcissistic spouse and in some cases the narcissistic parent. Know that you are wise and will make the right decision.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life will be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013


Narcissistic Parents Raising Over Entitled, Self Absorbed Children

I find it shocking that there are so many narcissistic parents “raising” their children to be discourteous, cruel, self-absorbed brats. I see and hear them in markets, restaurants, libraries, shopping malls in public and private. .

Too many parents are so “busy” creating and maintaining their images of  perfect selves and model families that they are incapable of going deeper within, of introspection, empathy, self psychological regulation and kindness to others. The narcissistic parent is always seizing opportunities to enhance his/her image, to be the winner—regardless of the ruthless manipulations he/she engages in to destroy the opportunities of others in the workplace or within the family. There is a crude greediness that drives so many of these individuals.  They must have the best of every material possession that intrigues them. Their children are not given any real attention or nurturing. They are groomed to be as obnoxious and mindless as their parents. The concept of manners and courtesy and the general consideration that other people actually exist went out the window long ago. Children of these parents are taught to be so competitive that stepping over others to get what you want is perfectly acceptable. Being kind, considerate or empathic is weak, backward and foolish.

Some children of narcissists reject the programing of their narcissistic parents. They know there is something terribly wrong with their mother or father. These children are often the discarded ones, the scapegoats who don’t pass the narcissistic perfection test. They are horribly victimized and humiliated. They are forced to play the role of servant to the family golden child.  Many of these abused children make themselves invisible. They hide whenever they can. They escape into the world of books, become very adept at computers, study their areas of interest and try to keep their lives as private from their parents as possible. They are often derided by the narcissistic parent and the golden child/children. These children are super survivors. They have suffered so horribly under the reign of terror of the narcissistic parent. They are scrappers and make it through with the use of their imaginations, special friends, discovering the mysteries of the world in which they live, immersing themselves in the magic of art and dance.

There are some exceptions to the current narcissistic child rearing trend. Some parents actually take time with their kids, listen to their problems, fears and nightmares, teach them to be considerate of other human beings who don’t point out the flaws of strangers, friends or relatives as many rude kids do today without one blink from the parent who is sitting right beside you. Maybe these people they meet aren’t beautiful or handsome or highly self confident.That is not what is important, their parents tell them. Value the individual for his essence, his true self–that is the message they are given.

When children are cruel or rude to others or to me and their parents don’t register or blink, I point it out succinctly in that moment. The parent sits there mentally absent like an inanimate object. I have repeated my comment to the child and had the parent actually mumble: “Things happen…” What does that mean? Absolutely nothing other than they will not teach their children to be considerate, civil or empathic. I find this lack of sensitivity outrageous and an essential feature of the narcissistic style.

So many of you have chosen to take the more difficult path. Your life has been tough from the beginning. I respect a human being who has been through the mill and returned to tell the tale. I love those who are transparent to themselves and others—They are Genuine.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life will be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013.

Surrounded by Narcissistic Family Members–Finding Your Way

I have had many communications with individuals who grew up encircled by narcissistic family members. Not just mom or dad or sister or brother but the whole bunch. Their life stories of survival under these circumstances are amazing. Many of these survivors didn’t realize until they were much older that their family suffered from this severe personality disorder. They remember being victimized and humiliated and treated like dirt but since they knew nothing else they thought it was normal and to be expected.

Some victims of narcissistic abuse become perfect pleasers. They can and do anticipate exactly what the narcissistic mom or dad wants. If there are narcissistic siblings, they become their servants out of fear and not knowing there are any alternatives than taking this lowly role.  In telling their stories the theme that emerges is that they were always wrong, at fault, criticized constantly and treated without respect or dignity. These children smell psychological danger. They are in a state of apprehension, always waiting for something very bad to happen to them. They  live day and night in a fight or flight mode. They are always on edge. Many become hyper vigilant–metaphorically or literally sleeping with one eye open each night–always on guard duty.

For many members of narcissistic families, it takes a while for the healing to begin. Some marry narcissistic spouses and repeat the destructive cycle that they experienced growing up. Fortunately, they recognize this ongoing destructive pattern of allowing others to control and define them and get off of the narcissistic merry go round that has made them dizzy and kept them from knowing and appreciating their original selves.

After divorcing a narcissist or finally recognizing that several family members are narcissists, there is a time of reckoning when the individual who has been holding the truth and suffered under this psychopathology for many years, begins to speak up for himself and recognize that he/she has value as a separate unique valuable individual.  No longer will he or she be defined by a narcissistic family or narcissistic spouse.

The way of healing and transformations for all of us is lifelong. Once you are on the pathway of discovering your real self, your creative gifts, your deep capacity to love, your invaluable sense of humor, the depths of your experience of beauty in Nature, writing, music, art–wherever you find your joy–keep going there. Hold yourself close and thank the little child inside who has been waiting all of this time for you to recognize, embrace and love him. Trust the great seer of your intuition to guide your journey. Wishing you deep peace and a vital sense of wholeness.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–Practicing Self Care and Self Love

Growing up as the daughter of a narcissistic mother you didn’t learn about self care or self love. It was not part of your emotional or psychological vocabulary from the beginning. You remember the constant anxiety and terror you felt with every step your NM took toward you. You recall her terrifying eyes as she stared you down. Some of these mothers use physical abuse as a way of indoctrinating their daughters; others use psychological verbal abuse, telling you from your first memories how ugly and stupid you were, that would never amount to anything, that mother would always win. Narcissistic mothers control by way of constant intimidation, criticisms and outrageous demands that cannot be fulfilled. Often these mothers have their spouses under their control.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have no respite. They are always in fight or flight mode–the sympathetic nervous system. They can never let down and relax because they don’t know when NM will begin one of her cruel offensives. These non-mothers often pick a golden child and demand that the other children follow suit. They can never measure up because the system is rigged in favor of the NM and the golden child.

After the battles of growing up the daughter of the narcissistic mother is left with many wounds. She has difficulty with her sense of a solid identity. She feels guilty because she didn’t meet her narcissistic mother’s expectations (which were impossible). There will come a time when you become aware that your mother had a serious psychological problem. It may reveal itself after you have married and divorced a narcissist and realized that you have repeated with him what had made your upbringing so painful and impossible–your dreadful NM.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers deserve to learn and practice Self Care and Self Love. This is a part of our true natures. You are entitled to experience a sense of deep inner peace, to use your imagination spontaneously, to appreciate the magic of music and dance, to be able to sleep with peace and a sense of security, to have full use of your unlimited creativity, to express your affection and love for others which brings great joy, to find a spiritual path if that is what you are seeking in your life.

Self care begins with thinking about how you want to lead your life. What is essential for you each day—Is it learning how to quiet your mind, to get exercise that keeps you physically and psychologically strong, to find friends that are truthseekers like you who support your new life, to seek knowledge that fascinates you, to write spontaneously what is in your inner self and comes through you naturally, to spend time outdoors and breathe in the air, listen to the birds, watch the movement of the winds and the playing of the skies around you and any other activities that you can imagine. A lot of people have found that making a zen space like their own home spa, has helped them to appreciate and care for themselves, with many home warranty companies like First American Home Warranty (check here) providing coverage for expensive equipment just in case it breaks. Part of your healing is learning to say “no” to people and events that you don’t further your growth. As you make the practice of self care an integral part of your life you will begin to appreciate yourself more and finally you will know Self Love. You will think of the little child that survived the narcissistic mother, of her bravery borne of great suffering, of how often she cried, of the incredible way that she saved her precious self. You are holding her tenderly now. She will always be with you but now she is secure and safe and happy in your arms. I am deeply moved by and love these special daughters.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Spouses of Narcissists–Fearful, Vigilant–Compromising their Authenticity

They may look lovely or handsome. They may be high achievers . They may be gracious and courteous publicly; they apply their social skills successfully. These individuals are married to narcissistic spouses. Beneath that pearly smile, gleaming face, the convincing look in the eyes that everything is “fine”, the narcissist’s spouse lives in fear, is highly vigilant of everything he/she does or says. This person has signed on for a life of psychological imprisonment.

The narcissistic spouses stipulates and insists on all of the moves. The wife or husband has no real bargaining power. Every idea that you bring up is shot down immediately and vehemently. Although it is not surprising that you concept will be commandeered by your narcissistic spouse later in a slightly revised form as “his brilliant idea.” Narcissists take credit for the work of others; this is part of their MO. Your original concepts and ideas belong to the narcissistic spouses.  They pay attention to you when something goes wrong,,especially when they make big mistakes. They blame them on you. The narcissist is never at fault. After all they don’t have a well-developed conscience. Spouses married to narcissists believe that they are the inadequate ones, especially if they grew up in a family with a narcissistic parent. They are accustomed to this drill; it is very familiar to them. Take all the blame on yourself

When you are married to a narcissist you cannot be true to yourself. You have a difficult time recognize and exercising your creative gifts; you live in a state of fear and vigilance. The narcissist sends volleys of rage at you at close range. You are the receptacle for these painful, humiliating irrational assaults. Some spouses learn how to “take it” and feel helpless and guilty all of the time. Others discover that they can no longer live this way and must get out of this non marriage from hell. If there are children this can be complicated but the newly awakened abused spouse is determined to be free.

After the divorce the recovery of your authentic self begins. Some benefit from psychotherapy and other healing processes like hatha yoga, forms of meditation, becoming active in support groups that reinforce your healthy sense of self entitlement. Continue on your journey of freedom and celebrate.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

 

 

 

 

Dropping the Burden of Image after Divorcing Narcissistic Husband

After you have divorced your narcissistic spouse and not discounting all the psychological, mental and financial hell you have endured, you are free to drop the image that he imposed on you, down a bottomless well, watch it go up in smoke, wave it an eternal goodbye, say the hell with it, yell with abandon–that was not me!

Narcissists wear their image like the skin on their bodies, the hair on their head, in their innards, especially their cold, reluctant hearts. They forced you to keep a perfect appearance and watched every hair on your head to make sure it was tilting in the just the right direction even when breezes blew. Some spouses say that they were forced to be made over by the narcissistic spouse. Under duress they went through all sorts of aesthetic procedures to make themselves look more perfect. Women who think they have a free will become enveloped under the power and force of the personality of the narcissist. They don’t know their own minds anymore and wonder if they ever did. Some are so enthralled by the life styles they have found with this new union that they are psychologically drunk with the material pleasures that they can now have. If they were raised in a poor or low middle class family this need to have more is part of their definition of “making it.” This of course does not fit all woman. Many of them understand that financial success is not the sine qua non of life. It is essential that we use as many creative and intellectual gifts that we are given and expand and deepen them throughout our lives.

Life is not about coasting along–“Summertime, and the living is easy..” Great lyric but not a blueprint for a mindful life.

When we become only pleasure seekers and avoid pain and the hard work of knowing ourselves, we are going nowhere. We are moving in the worn old tracks of repetition. The outward trappings look different but we are repeating over and over again, going in circles. I have known women even today who have dropped entire careers and found their prince. He adores her and she feels that every wish she drempt of will now come true. He will give anything to her and does. She has landed a very big fish–a prince charming with lots of monetary security and a bulging open wallet and a loyalty to her that will never quit–he needs her that much and she knows it and uses this to the hilt. All she has to do is look pretty, give him plenty of sex and be open to his “brilliant ideas.”  She has bought the entire package. These marriages are arrangements not true relationships. There is nothing deep going on here. No psychological or emotional growth is taking place.

Getting back to unburdening yourself of the narcissistic image demanded in your past marriage. You have defied the narcissist by divorcing him. You are saying: “I won’t live your delusion anymore or play your game.”  “I owe myself my authenticity, my inner and outer voice, the use of all of my gifts and the freedom to express myself as a unique individual.”  After the divorce deluge and the waters have receded, you look around as you heal and put your life back together in your style and way. Maybe this time you long for simplicity–no frills, no fancies, no trips to the moon.–Just you–that wonderful person you were always meant to be–that baby smiling and laughing because he or she exists right now in the world, that compassionate soul with the open heart that warms yourself and others. You are treading lighter on the earth. You feel flexible, supple, more grounded and surer inside yourself. You will learn to treasure your solitude, to embrace your creativity and to find others who are taking a similar path on the best road–the one less traveled.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Suffer Maternal Deprivation—The Void I Feel Inside

Narcissistic maternal deprivation is difficult for most people to understand because it cannot usually be seen as bruises or welts or scratches. It is both a psychological wound and a void that the daughter of a narcissistic mother feels inside herself. This pain is the absence of nurturing, of loving care, of affection, of emotional and physical closeness, of hugs never given, of sweet glances from mother to daughter and back again. These daughters never experience the loving physical, emotional and psychological presence of their mother. If mom is physically there, she is either distracted and not paying attention or she is berating her daughter, criticizing her, humiliating her, blaming her for everything that went wrong in the narcissistic mother’s life. 

The child takes this upon herself and internalizes the absence of positive feelings toward her. She is neglected and because she must survive she is not capable of knowing that this is true–that she is not wanted, respected, cherished. Narcissistic mothers often push their own daughters out of their way and are envious of them. They do everything they can to create emotional chaos in their lives. Some of the most profound wounds are the absence of attention. Some narcissistic mothers are like automatons, going about their days in a frenzy of work, social activities, shopping sprees, talking with friends, arranging parties, even going on trips–leaving their daughters alone to fend for themselves. I have heard of daughters as young as five who had to find a way to take care of themselves while mother partied throughout long weekends with boyfriends. Sometimes the party is carried on in the home and the young daughter is subjected to drunken scenes where sexual activity is taking place impulsively and wildly. The young daughter is shocked by these activities. In some cases the men who are there come on to the daughter sexually and she is terrified.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers feel an emotional void inside of them. They  long for and miss what they never had. Often they cannot define it but know they are in emotional pain. Many of them seek to find the answers and to heal. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent psychotherapy as well as learning to nurture themselves and to become receptive to the love and warmth that they have always deserved. I speak to those daughters now and say: You are so dear and lovely–You are whole–You are loving, kind, steady and strong. I celebrate you and your lives.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Married to a Narcissistic Sociopath–Learn to Place Value on YOUR LIFE

If you are married to a man or woman without conscience, who hurts others without a scintilla of concern, who demeans and undermines you, who lives strictly for himself, who treats you with psychological abuse, constant criticisms that run through your body that put you in continual states of terror, who screams in your face at the top of his lungs, telling you how worthless you are, who leads a secret life and with great cunning is secretly trying to take away your financial security by lying about his plans for the two of you, if you are being blamed for everything that he is doing (not you), if you are the recipient of the putrid flow of his  toxic projections, if you are always on edge waiting for the next tirade that feels like the tectonic plates and you can’t stand it one more moment, it is likely you are married to a narcissistic sociopath. The very clever and “successful” sociopath is smooth as imported silk. In the social whirl, he shines and glows. People are drawn to him. They melt like butter in his presence. They can’t say “no” to him. Remember when you first met him. You were captivated by this man (woman). You may have become obsessed and he took over your mind and heart. You married him and as time passed you realized that something was very wrong. You blamed yourself and worked harder at pleasing him. That didn’t solve the problem. The problem between the two of you became untenable but you wouldn’t give up, thinking you could fix it if you just tried harder. He (she) betrayed you and you forgave him. He mangled you with personal crushing comments. You were exhausted, spent, done, cooked.

Finally you researched and discovered who this man (woman) really is—a narcissistic sociopath, a pathologically fixed personality that will not change. You reached out to a friend who understood the hell you were going through. Some people respond very oddly to these situations. They act “nice” but they don’t want to hear it. They don’t believe you and think your imagination has taken over. They write you off in their minds. “She’s such a drama queen. She exaggerates everything”, they say to themselves. Forget those who don’t believe you. I do. I know this territory of the mind of the narcissistic sociopath and the treachery and darkness of their malevolent ways.

Your knowledge is powerful. Start Now to place value on YOUR LIFE. This often begins with severing your relationship with this person who has caused you dreadful suffering. Let your healing begin with taking good care of yourself and developing a strong sense of entitlement to lead your own life (not his/hers). Rebuild your body/mind with consistent times you take to be quiet, to meditate (in a way that is pleasant and works for you), journal and watch the words move through you. Let the river of feelings flow and know that you are healing in these precious moments. This is nature’s way–a letting go, a loosening, a softening, and finally a peace announces itself inside of you. Stay here and recognize that this is the real original you that has been waiting so long to announce its lovely presence. The peace speaks inside of you and says: “This is who you  are. I have been waiting for you to find me. I am always with you. I cherish you. I love you.”

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Being Victim of Narcissistic Generational Abuse Stops with Me

I hear from many men and woman who have endured and survived horrendous narcissistic abuse from their Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Siblings, Narcissistic Spouses. A number of them report narcissistic cruelties, betrayals, abandonment, scapegoating, bullying that was pathologically repeated from one family generation to the next. They speak of mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc. who perpetrated every manner of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. These victims can remember how they were treated as if it was yesterday. They speak about several generations of relatives who coldly participated in a variety of cruelties including psychological and physical abandonment, maternal deprivation, the imposition of sadistic punishments, making terrified servants out of their children, the engagement of horrific punishments that caused constant terror within the household. They described that they were servants in their own homes, bowing to the whims, needs and wishes of tyrannical narcissistic family members.

Those who rise up and say No More to narcissistic abuse are courageous individuals. Despite being surrounded by members of their own families who are endangering their psychological welfare, they make the decision not to side with these cold narcissistic family members who share only their DNA and completely lack any empathy for them. Those who free themselves of narcissistic generational abuse work hard to re-stabilize themselves, to recognize that they deserve to lead a life that belongs to them and that they are not dictated by the pathological whims, obsessions and parasitic needs of their narcissistic family members. Many benefit from excellent psychotherapy. There are many healing pathways including the practice of gentle yoga with the emphasis on the breath that calms that nervous system, learning to focus on their own self care, to create an exercise program that is tailored to their needs, recognizing that they deserve to experience deep inner peace, to use their unique creative gifts, to form healthy close bonds with others who love them. You have made a very important commitment. Your identity has changed forever, moving from victim of narcissistic abuse to leading your life in independence and freedom. You are a great example to all of us.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Alive and Very Well Among Spiritual Healers

The Unsuspected—A goldmine of pathological narcissism is among those you would never imagine share this disorder—“Spiritual Healers” —those received as royalty and great holy masters through their million dollar book sales, endless rotating seminars that encompass the globe, their cds, dvds, audios, internet classes and trainings they offer. Their schedules are so full it is remarkable that they are able to move through each crowded day. But remember this is a narcissistic personality who never tires from being on center stage, viewed as superior even semi-divine, a super mentor, a saint in human form.

There are individuals of high consciousness who truly help people to heal: physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually. These people have their egos dropped, are not after a money motive. They charge fees that are fair. Some of them are very successful and do produce books and seminars and dvds that sell very well. I am not talking about these individuals. I am speaking about pathological narcissistic personality.

Today many people are looking for a quick mystical fix. They want an instant miracle, a tectonic shift in their lives–right now. The pseudo narcissistic healer cunningly offers that tantalizing potion through his charisma, charm, clever magic words in a well rehearsed presentation. After someone is hooked by him or her, the seduction is complete. It’s like opening up your heart and giving it away, opening up your wallet and bank account and saying: “Take what you want.”, breaching your mind and psyche and saying, “I believe you; I will follow you.” The pseudo spiritual healer practices a form of brain washing that is very effective with a substantial segment of human beings.

Narcissistic spiritual healers ensnare the most vulnerable–those who are fresh from a personal tragedy or loss, the very lonely who have been abandoned by family or spouses, those with intolerable feelings of anxiety, those who feel depressed and depleted by the burden of their lives, the dependent ones who are always looking for someone to cling to because they cannot tolerate another moment of their raw unrelenting pain of psychological emptiness.

Learn how to identify these pseudo spiritual con artists. Listen to their sweet talk pitch, the eyes that appear to melt with your sorrow, the nonverbal cues that reach out to console, the vacant promise that you will be completely healed and your life will be resurrected (if you sign up for thousands of dollars of course sessions).  Watch how much money you are being asked to invest in this “spiritual” project. Is it multi-level? Will there be other courses required? How much are you being cleverly pressured? Listen to the voice of your  intuition first in a whisper, then like a mighty wind that cries: “Don’t do it!’ “Don’t sign up!” “These people are parasites exploiting you.”  “Back away.” “Say “No” now.”

Identifying the narcissistic spiritual  healer before you take the bait is highly empowering. If you have fallen for these tricks and ruses in the past, don’t blame yourself. Now you are wise to the game. You are in charge, walking your own path, listening to the wisdom that flows through you.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.