Category: Divorcing Your Narcissist

Narcissistic Husbands Juggle Sexual Partners

Narcissistic husbands are masters at creating the image of the dutiful spouse. They are very convincing on the subject of loyalty to their spouses. The majority of narcissistic husbands stray all of the time. In fact they have multiple affairs going strong at any given time. Some are one night stands; others are mistresses that go in and out of their lives, many of them also have an addiction to online porn websites like m porn. There are special women that they can’t resist and keep as a sexual security blanket just in case they need to get through the night of their sexual desires. It is amazing how adept these fellows become at juggling many women. If they travel as a result of their business, the sky is the limit. One or two women a night is not unusual. Some professional men including narcissistic physicians, dentists, corporate leaders have ongoing affairs with their female patients. Sex in the office–no problem. It’s after hours–why worry. There are many narcissistic physicians. Our society rewards them with big money, prestige, even worship. Obviously, there are incredibly fine physicians who are completely ethical and professional. I am not speaking about them.

If you think your narcissistic husband is playing around on you, why would you stay married. These days it is dangerous to your physical health. Think of the cascade of stds you can contract as a result of having sex with a husband who is having intimate relations with so many different women. When you have sex with this husband, you are having sex with every woman he has shagged. Not a pretty picture. Self-care is essential. You can easily take care of your needs yourself, you don’t need a man to do so. Have you ever heard of anal beads or wondered why you need anal beads? Well, they can give you just as much pleasure as a man can so he becomes irrelevant. Any sex toy will do a great job really! The next factor is your psychological and emotional health and what is the effect of this kind of marital arrangement on your children. Marriages with narcissistic men don’t work because these men are highly pathological and do not change. Instead, if you find yourself in a marriage like this it might be time to cut ties, and enjoy some of your later years like some elder adult performers seem to while recording for a website like sexmature or similar porn, your husband is trying to have some fun, why don’t you?

Make a wise decision. Sever the relationship. Consider a formal separation and a divorce. This can be a difficult process. You are entitled to be married to someone who truly loves and protects you. Part of your healing can be facilitated by excellent psychotherapy. Be sure you interview several psychotherapists.

Get support from those you trust and can call upon at any time. There are many healing techniques like gentle yoga, meditation, and creative pursuits that can become an integral part of your healing. Be kind to yourself. Anyone can make the decision to marry a narcissist. They are slippery fellows, difficult to detect. Learn from this life experience and be grateful that you are taking assertive movement toward your personal evolution. Learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist’s Secret Envy

Narcissists, especially those who are highly successful, appear to glide smoothly through life, taking everything they can. They cheat people and get away with it, lie at every turn, manipulate everyone in their circle, especially family members, psychologically harm the most vulnerable around them and still are not brought to judgment. If they are very high level narcissists most of those who venerate these highly entitled individuals give them a pass despite all of the pain they cause others.

With all of their professional triumphs, constant adulation and financial success, narcissists secretly envy what they perceive they cannot have. Envy is a feeling of unease that becomes an obsession of coveting another’s success, possessions, public image and importance. People keep their envies secret. Narcissists would never share these feelings with anyone. We see this envy in their blood thirsty competitiveness. If they are worth hundreds of millions, they seek billionaire status like their brothers and sisters in this special enclave. Many narcissists are all about money. I have had the displeasure of sitting next to a high level narcissist at a dinner event. Besides a running litany of self, he spent most of the evening talking about money—his status and power, how clever he had been at acquiring money and his grandiose vision for accumulating larger sums and multitudes of material possessions. Conversations with narcissists are always one way streets—they do all of the talking and bragging. You cannot get in a word without being rude. If you manage a half sentence, they will interrupt you and move back to their favorite topic—themselves.

Narcissists secretly envy what they cannot have. On an unconscious level they know that they cannot ever have an authentic relationship with anyone, even their own children. This obsessive need is played out in their chronic restlessness and frenetic acrobatics from one relationship to another. Narcissists crowd their lives with constant activity that will bring them an abundance of narcissistic supplies, particularly praise and adulation. Envy fuels the narcissist’s rage. If he loses an important contract that is feeding his narcissism or is overlooked for a power position he has prized, the narcissist flies into a fury. He despises and envies the individual who bettered him. The narcissist doesn’t have any real relationships. Empty, shallow and alone, he leads a counterfeit life, unable to create a warm meaningful connection with anyone.

Having people in our lives whom we can count on and care about us deeply, have our welfare uppermost in their minds and are supportive of our growth as individuals is invaluable—worth more than every possession, material acquisition and accolade that the narcissist ever received. His/her world is delusional and inauthentic.

Your daily life is a testimony to your personal healing and growth, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually in the way that you define this. As you leave the narcissist behind feel your heart open, sense your creative juices flowing and be grateful to yourself for all of your hard work done with great integrity.

Rising Strong and Steady After Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

You have spent years denying that you were married to a narcissistic personality. Don’t blame yourself. You couldn’t have known. You were serious about building and preserving your marital union. You tried so hard. It seemed to work for a while. Then the narcissist became “very difficult”–well, Impossible. and blamed you for everything that went wrong in his/her life. Narcissists only care about themselves. Everyone else including spouses and children are living narcissistic supplies that will get them to their goals of ultimate control and winning.

Now that you know that you were married to a narcissist and have gone through the painful divorce process, your life is beginning anew. It is a very rough ride for many toward recovery. You are exhausted from the marriage wars and the divorce hand to hand combat that in some cases goes on for years. You feel beaten up but you have won back your life. Take time for yourself to rest and recover. Don’t pay attention to anyone who is telling you to “Get over it.” Forget them. Pay attention to what your deep inner self iss saying to you.  “Take it slowly. Be kind to yourself. Rest and repose and quiet. Enjoy those whom you can trust and with whom you feel the most authentic. They have you back.” .

Heal at your pace. Honor your individuality. You are healing on every level-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

Develop routines that focus on your healing each day. Put yourself first!!!!!.  Don’t be judgmental. Be kind to yourself. Take time to be alone and quiet with yourself. You may want to meditate or write in a journal. Listening to soothing music lifts us out of obsessional thought and feeling patterns and brings us into a positive state where we can begin anew and feel refreshed. Find or create a small support group of people with whom you can share the truth and who care about you. Be appreciative of what you have been through. Work with your creative gifts which have been in cold storage during your marriage to the narcissist. Do a form of cardiovascular exercise that works for you.This increases endorphins, boosts the immune system and helps you to sleep. Many find that gentle yoga is a source of calming, strengthening and healing the body/mind. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will speak to you and offer wise words or present you with pictures or ideas, indicating the way forward for you. You deserve deep inner peace—claim it! It’s yours.

Narcissists Feel Great-They Make Others Feel Miserable

Getting too close to a narcissist, particularly if you marry one or are one of his/her children, can cause you to become ill—psychologically, emotionally or physically. It could take some time but eventually your life will be turned upside down and your stress levels will increase and your life will become more difficult. There are exceptions—those who buy in to the narcissist’s delusions and become true believers. Many of these individuals are narcissistic themselves or hangers on who are too impressed with the narcissist’s power to manipulate and overwhelm people to get what they want. They believe in trickle-down–that some of that over-confidence and extreme self entitlement will rub off on them. Those who live with the narcissist who are on the receiving end of the harshest of treatments. They survive behind the gates of a harsh ruler. They may be leading a decent lifestyle on the surface but there is no comfort, empathy, kindness or understanding from this dictator. Some narcissists buy off their marital partners so that their image is protected. I know of several narcissists who have given their wives “shut up” money after they have been exposed of infidelities. These women go along with this program because they are terrified that if they leave or are shut out they will be living in more reduced circumstances. They have gone down the road with the narcissist too long to pull away now. These spouses pay a very high price for their decision. They are not free to lead their own lives. Their thinking is constrained –they are constantly at the call of the outrageous demands of the narcissistic spouse—day and night. When they comply, it is not good enough. Even if they are very ill, this is no excuse for the narcissist. He demeans them, calls them weak and worthless. Some spouses force themselves, regardless of their emotional, psychological or physical state, to be ever-ready for the phone call, the scream, the threat that will come at any minute. They must be ready at all times to serve this tyrannical person. These ugly scenarios occur all of the time–they just aren’t public. Some women are physically hit by their narcissistic spouses time after time. The feeling of threat throughout the household is palpable at all times. This is a toxic atmosphere for raising children. Their father is a cruel patriarch who is only interested in how perfectly they produce perfect school grades, how well they perform athletically, if they have music talents or dramatic talents that can be exploited as narcissistic supplies to the father. How much is misery worth? Are you willing to exchange your peace of mind and well being and that of your children, for the lifestyle. When will the time come when you have had enough. Will it take getting physically ill to make the decision? Will it involve your child’s stress level becoming so high that he/she can no longer function at school? Are you willing to exchange your identity, inner self, peace of mind, the opportunity to express and be your true self and use all of your creative gifts for the outer trappings of the narcissistic lifestyle. What we know for sure is that these individuals do not change——ever! This is a life sentence for you and you never know when you will be discarded and/or replaced with someone else who is younger, prettier, more compliant, a better puppet. Take a long view of your life. You have much to contribute. You deserve to express your ideas, feelings and to use all of your creative gifts in freedom. Think about the lives of your children. They know that you love them and will protect them. For you, this can be the time of reckoning–changing your life, separating yourself from the narcissist to reclaim you own identity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Telephone Consultation: United States and International Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Married to a Narcissist—Become Self Entitled and Self Nurturing

Narcissists are pathologically self entitled. Their spouses are under-entitled. Some of them are treated like servants and accept these roles for decades, even at the expense of their physical, emotional and psychological health. The non-narcissistic spouse often doesn’t know that he/she is married to such a seriously disturbed human being. They make excuses and blame themselves. After all, the narcissist is always finding fault with them rather than where it belongs—on them. Narcissists pick away at their husbands and wives, causing tremendous stress. Many of these victims suffer from extreme anxiety and depression. They are jumping out of their skins with worry, wondering when the next metal shoe will drop. “When will he start screaming at me again?” Will he wake me up again tonight and go into one of his tirades?” “Deep down I hate myself because I can’t fulfill his wishes and demands.” Over and over again are the self accusations that are propelled by the narcissist’s constant verbal attacks.  This is all kept very secret due to the narcissist’s obsession with his golden image.

Once you have recognized that you are married to a narcissist you have a couple of options. You can try to stay in the marriage and learn how to remain psychologically distanced and detached from this person. That is very difficult. You can carve out a life of your own if that works with the marriage dynamics. Some couples do this. They are married in name only. The narcissistic spouse has a separate personal life. For most spouses it becomes impossible for them to stay married to the narcissist. They are becoming too depressed, stressed, terrified about the next foul display of rage, constant lies, psychological ambushes and humiliations.

The spouse decides to end the marriage and get a divorce.  This is scary and challenging but necessary if you want to lead the life that you deserve. Some spouses find that quality psychotherapy gives them the understanding, empathy and a plan of action that they need to move through this process. Part of what you are learning is new–self nurturing.  This is the source of your movement towards healing each day. You are entitled to get the sleep that you need, to live in a peaceful internal and external environment, to build a support system of individuals whom you trust and can count on. As you move past the divorce you discover and value your unique and precious individuality. It may take time to live within this new person that you are discovering.  So many ex-spouses of narcissists are relieved that now they can take a deep breath, use their creative gifts, sleep through the night peacefully, voice their opinions openly and freely and celebrate their newly retrieved lives.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

One Narcissist Causes Pain to an Entire Family

If you know the narcissistic personality disorder well, especially if you have divorced one of these individuals or been on the receiving end of a narcissistic parent, you know that this one person can cause extreme stress and psychological pain among the members of an entire family. (This blog refers to male and female narcissists).  Everyone victimized by the narcissist’s destructive traits-chronic lying, deception, betrayal, manipulation, exploitation, emotional sabotage–is

aware of the severe damage that this highly pathological individual can wreak. Narcissists do not care who you are–a stranger, an acquaintance, a close family member, even a child. If you get in their way, they will intimidate, threaten and retaliate if you buck their wills of steel. Some family members make excuses for these horrific people. “Oh that’s just the way he/she  is a perfectionist.” But he is so bright and accomplished–cut him some slack.” I don’t think so when this person is running roughshod over the minds, hearts and psyches of those closest to him. No one person has the right to invade your boundaries, demean you, humiliate you or taunt and terrorize you. I don’t care what this individual has accomplished in the world, how much power he wields, or the size of his material largess.

We are at a time now when narcissists are applauded because they are so driven—yes they move ahead trampling on everyone else. This is despicable behavior that not be tolerated. Those who have suffered under this treacherous treatment write about the terrors and tortures they have endured under the sadism of one narcissist. This happens all of the time but most people remain unaware of the severe psychological and emotional damage this one highly disturbed person has caused.

Research and become fully aware of the true nature of the narcissistic personality psychopathology. If you have a havoc wreaking narcissist in your family, you may have to make a 180 degree turn away and sever the relationship. This can be very  difficult but remember this severe personality disorder does not change.

The quality of your life–psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual–is invaluable. This is where you place your primary attention—on your self care.

Make sure that you get the sleep that you need and deserve. Take up the practice of gentle yoga which puts you in the calming part of the nervous system that brings peace and feelings of well being. Acupuncture also leads to a state of deep quiet. Exercising the way that works for you is strengthening.  Focusing on your unique creativity is an essential part of your healing. You will recover and prevail to lead the life that you deserve.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

 

 

 

Stop Making Excuses for Narcissistic Spouse’s Abominable Behavior

Many people repeat the traumas and horrors of childhood by marrying individuals who are highly abusive, explosive, cruel, cold, manipulative and duplicitous. Those who survived the wars of abusive childhoods don’t always escape from this gross mistreatment in adulthood. Many start the cycle again by marrying a narcissist. (This post refers to male and female narcissists). Eventually, despite his/her charm, allure, accomplishments and smooth talk, you will be faced with the real nature of the narcissist you have married. He will start critically picking at you for no reason. One moment he is telling you how wonderful you are. The next he is pointing the finger at some small mistake or oversight or better yet, inventing terrible character flaws that you have that exist only in his deluded mind. You are confused; you take the blame. You might even think that you are mentally unbalanced. Narcissists love to tell their spouses that they are not thinking clearly. It is a clever cruel accusation. There is something about being told that we are not in our right minds that strikes a chord that has a mighty charge. Narcissists are incapable in introspection but they know like a great predator just when and where to strike. Narcissists are dirty underhanded players. They constantly lie to their spouses. They convince you they are loyal and they have their eyes all over the place. They tell you they are flat broke and they have bulging hidden bank accounts. They tell you they are spiritual and they spend most of their time, cheating other people. In fact the narcissist can cheat you out of the life you deserve to lead. Don’t let this happen.

If you are a kind person your tendency is to make constant excuses for the narcissist. Many spouses are terrified of being on their own. Others expect the incoming fire of abuse since they have been accustomed to this since childhood–It is all too familiar. When we have been in a constant psychological war of survival since birth, there is a tendency to repeat this pattern in other relationships.

There comes a time for many victims of marital narcissistic abuse, a reckoning, when the spouse can no longer and will not take it any more. It is over. The fork in the road has come. The deep intuition of the victim has been telling the abused spouse over and over again to sever the relationship and finally the message has been heard. Many spouses listen and follow up on this knowledge. It is not easy; it is challenging but they make the break from the narcissistic spouse. This is a great victory, a necessary and positive change in your life that begins anew. I have seen this happen many times. It is different for each individual. The freedom of mind and heart and the creativity that springs forth and the making of new friendships and other real relationships is waiting at the end of this process. Embrace it! You are entitled!

Be Prepared Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

Many spouses wait years , even decades on a wild, treacherous ride
with their narcissistic partner. As time passes they become more
miserable, weary and wary about their marital partner. There are many
rounds of couples therapy which do no good. In some cases the therapist
sides with the narcissistic spouse and convinces you that you have the
serious psychological problems that are causing problems with the
marriage. Narcissists are so clever and such fine actors that they fool
therapists with their charm and magnetism. After you have tried
everything possible and are at a turning point, you make the decision to
divorce your spouse.

I suggest you don’t announce your decision until you are fully prepared for every aspect of this event.
In some cases that are particularly acrimonious the spouse has her/his
attorney get in touch with the other side. Choosing the right attorney
is of utmost importance. It is wise to interview several lawyers who
specialize in divorce and family law. Get good referrals from your close
friends but remember that everyone is an individual. Don’t just agree to use the first lawyer you speak to, this is your future that you are trusting them with so you need to be sure the lawyer has your best interests at hear and not their billable hours. The best way to access a list of lawyers in your area is to carry out a search on your computer; if you live in Austin, Texas then you may want to search for Austin Divorce Lawyers. If it’s New York you call home, then search for NY Divorce Lawyers, and if you live in Los Angeles then you will want to search for LA Divorce Lawyers, for those who live in Massachusetts search for MA Divorce Lawyers, whevever you live just make sure to include your town, city or even state in your search term and that way you’ll be sure to find lawyers local to you, next you need to review some of their websites don’t just phone the first one you come across, make a list of the ones that you like the sound of and then call them, that way you are giving yourself the best chance to find a Divorce Lawyer that you will be comfortable in working with, one you can trust and one that you believe will have your best interest at heart. You should also consider their success rate; An uncontested divorce lawyer austin may make you more comfortable with what’s to come than one that isn’t. Don’t let others make your mind up for you, remember it is your
decision alone. In addition to the professional skills, knowledge and
expertise of the lawyer, consider his or her personality. This
individual must have a keen sense of the nature of the narcissistic
personality. You want a lawyer who is calm, competent and your loyal
advocate at all times. The attorney needs to be quick at perceiving some
new ruse the narcissist and his attorney have hatched to sabotage you.
One plan is to wear you down so far emotionally and physically that you
are not up for the challenge. Make sure you take very good care of
yourself especially during this time. Get your sleep, take time to be
quiet and calm each day through meditation, gentle yoga, exercise,
journaling—what works best for you. This is your time. Take full
advantage of it. Keep focused on your personal, creative and
professional strengths. Know that you will prevail.Turn to a few friends
whom you trust completely and allow yourself to be nurtured by them.
Some spouses that brief psychotherapy during this time is highly
supportive and informative. When you form a strong therapeutic alliance
with an excellent therapist it can make a great difference in moving
through this process. Interview several therapists if that is necessary.

Take the upper road but be keenly aware that the narcissist is a street
fighter who hits below the belt and can get down and dirty. You already
know this from being married to him/her. Don’t be surprised at the
outrageous lengths he will go to intimidate you or trap you or use a
well hatched trick to take the financial assets that are lawfully yours.
Protect your children by being tough and don’t lose your cool. The
narcissist want you off balance and out of control so he can show how
disturbed you are. He/she will lie about you. Know that the people who
are truly your friends know exactly who you are and the others who
believe him must be dismissed.

Give yourself credit.
You are about to become free after years of psychological imprisonment.
Call upon the warrior inside of you, the one who knows exactly who this
person is and also knows that you will prevail.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Narcissistic Ex-Spouses Psychologically Poison Their Children

Remember that narcissists are without conscience or shame. They will
never apologize for some horrible trauma they have caused you or your
children. In fact, they blame every calamity on you. They twist the
truth like a warm pretzel. Some spouses believe their lives are great because they
have been brainwashed over the years. Others are
immersed in the lifestyle that he/she  provides for them. There are too
many trips, parties, lovely possessions, gifts and all the other
distractions that keep them deluded by the fantasies of having what they
want. They are like children in a candy store with unlimited amounts of
money to buy every treat they can reach.

When the
marriage disintegrates and the nasty divorce dance is over, there are custody arrangements. These always cause problems. With half and half custody the narcissistic ex-spouse
spends enough time with his/her children to psychologically poison them
against the other parent. They tell outright lies to the point of
describing an affair that the other spouse had. None of this is true.
The children find  this information very alarming. What makes this even
worse is the narcissistic ex-spouse swears the children to secrecy.
Don’t say a word; this is between you and me. Narcissists thrive on
secrets. It makes them feel powerful. They control others with this
mendacity. It pits one person against the other and weakens them. They
are sadistic and love to watch others twist in the wind and lose their
psychological footing.

Maintaining a loving, open,
close relationship with your children is key to offsetting the
psychological poison of the narcissistic ex-spouse. When the
relationship is solid and loving, your children will tell you exactly
what is going on when you are not in their presence. We only need one
good loving parent or a parent surrogate.

Use your intuition and you will know what your ex-spouse is cooking up. You can smell the aromas of his deceptive stew of lies. You have the drop on him. You know the truth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

 

 

Narcissistic Spouses Seek Revenge Taking A Pound of Your Flesh

Narcissists are always on the take. They are aggressive, unempathic, merciless and driven to get exactly what they want. If you have been married to one for years or decades, you must know that they don’t care about your feelings. They are using you for their own purposes. Everyone in their lives is expendable. They can and will replace you. Narcissistic spouses wear you down to the nub. If you are emotionally and psychologically vulnerable, you are at particular risk.

If you want to stay in the narcissist’s favor, you must mirror them perfectly. Regardless of how perfect you are and how well you follow their orders, it is never enough. If you cross them and become more independent, they seek revenge.  Since they don’t have a conscience to slow them down, they go right for the jugular. They take their pound of your flesh. They kick you when you are down and take control of mutual financial assets. They know how to whisk them away in secret, leaving you vulnerable and at their mercy.

If you wait too long to divorce them and they have the upper hand, the narcissist holds the best cards. He slaps you when you are down. I know of situations of narcissistic husbands refusing to help a spouse who was physically ill. She had to drive herself to the hospital.

Narcissistic husbands and narcissistic wives out of revenge will work the mediators and courts to get custody of your children. They hire attorneys who are slick, hungry beasts. 

Arm yourself with research about the true nature of the narcissist. Recognize that this person cannot change. This is a fixed personality disorder. Don’t be pulled back into the pseudo marriage by his empty promises and pitiful martyr performances. Be prepared for his tawdry act but know that he will seek revenge, get it and never look back. The narcissist is hard and cold, like a piece of stone.

Make your move to sever the relationship soon rather than later. You have courage and talents and your life ahead of you. Many before you have made this break and discovered that at the end of the tunnel there is freedom, inner peace and an expansion of your creative gifts. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com