Category: Children of Narcissistic Mothers

After all of the various “hells” connected with their up-bring, children of narcissistic parent(s) are often very empathic. They have suffered so much under the dominance of a grandiose false self, self absorbed, emotionally unavailable narcissistic parent. Yet—Surprise–They are capable of understanding on a deep emotional level what another human being is suffering. They can put themselves in this individual’s place. I have seen this so many times in emails, by direct contact, in their writings, etc. Many of these children were able to make a clear discernment of the true nature of the narcissistic parent. Some were fortunate to have access to the non-narcissistic mother or father who gave them the love and affection they needed and deserved. However, there are instances in which both parents were narcissists. This is truly remarkable and commendable. These children fought all the way to maintain their individuality, their capacity for compassion, the ability to see through the delusion of the narcissistic parent and the vow that they would not travel the narcissistic road. We take heart and hope in these living examples of kind, empathic, psychologically grounded human beings. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

We have increasing numbers of narcissistic personality disorders in our society today. Being a narcissist, especially if you are successful in your profession, are attractive, etc. has become almost expected in our social and work worlds. There are still many individuals with tremendous integrity whom we can trust and have great characters.

Some of our greatest challenges are with narcissists within our families. The first move is to learn to recognize these individuals as narcissistic personality disorders who are not going to change. When you do the research, you learn to identify them. Even though they are direct relatives or in-laws—uppermost they are narcissists. Other family members may continue to make excuses for their cruel, dismissive and outright abusive behaviors. That doesn’t mean that you have to give them a pass. I have known of family situations where every member except one, put up with their cruel pathology, were fearful to assert themselves and berated the one person who was holding the truth. If one individual out of thousands knows the truth —–it is still the truth. We live in a time of narcissistic delusion. People are blinded by the burnished image that the narcissist perpetuates, his/her overwhelming “charm”, all of the promises that he makes and often the worldly success he has achieved. None of this makes this person a good human being. I have known of a number of family members who, despite all of the pressure placed on them, severed the relationship with this toxic human being. They were castigated, criticized and thought to be strange by other family members but they had to live with their truth and remove themselves from this deep level of psychopathology. Don’t let other people pressure you and take away your clear perceptions that a family members is a destructive narcissist. Keep your safe distance from them and when necessary remove your contact with them. There is nothing you can do to change them. They are psychologically poisonous and their constant inflammatory projections create a corrosive atmosphere. You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. What other people think and many are misguided about this pathology, doesn’t matter. What you know deep inside about the nature of the narcissist in your family and other narcissists is what counts. Trust what you know is true. Take care of yourself and those close to you. Protect and cherish one another. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I cannot emphasize enough the horrific life stories that are communicated to me from daughters of narcissistic mothers. It is difficult to imagine that these dreadful non-mothers could be so cruel. Some of them have tortured their daughters for decades. There is a sub-group of narcissistic mothers who are highly sadistic and gain pleasure from causing their daughters extreme mental, emotional and in some instances severe pain and injury. All of this is kept secret within the confines of the family. On the outside these mothers are considered as models that others should follow. They even participate in their daughter’s school activities. Other mothers are never available, except when it is time to humiliate their child in from of the entire family. Often these mothers are married to very weak men who might as well be young children themselves.

It is vital that we begin to recognize the criminality of these acts perpetrated by narcissistic mothers on their daughters. It affects many of them throughout their lives. They have nightmares, can’t sleep, chronic anxiety, depression, somatic complaints, headaches, etc. Some of these daughters are unable to leave this pathological fusion and spend most of their lives tethered to their treacherous narcissistic mothers. Those who finally perceive their mother’s destructiveness, find a way to break free. It can take some time to come to the realization that your mother, the person you were entitled to trust, is a very disturbed and uncaring human being who has completely undermined your life. After severing the non-relationship with mother some of these daughters go through an adjustment period. Many of them grieve for the mother they never had. Others are very angry about all of the years they have missed as a result of their psychological imprisonment. Some benefit from finding an excellent psychotherapist. Healing modalities like gentle hatha yoga, different forms of meditation, being a part of Nature, finding friends that are understanding and kind, are some of the ways that they begin the healing process. When we provide the conditions for healing and feel entitled to live with inner peace and self respect together with the use of all of our gifts, transformation occurs. Life begins once more. As the seasons are renewed, we too can be re-born and thrive. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Bringing two families together through marriage is a complex process that requires patience, maturity, compassion and insight. Under the best of circumstances this is very challenging. When we are dealing with narcissistic family members this becomes impossible. Narcissists don’t cooperate with others, especially family members. They seek power over others, using the tools of intimidation, deception, manipulation and the sheer fore of their personalities. In families where there are several narcissists, great rivalries can arrive, tempers flair, ugly scenes are frequent. It is common to have a narcissistic matriarch or patriarch who controls the actions and emotions of the other family members.

Sensitive children raised in this psychological climate suffer horribly in this environment of emotional turmoil, constant feuding and all out verbal battles and threats. Often these children find ways to escape into their own minds and detach themselves from the battles for power that erupt frequently. They learn to deftly remove themselves from the line of fire. As small children they have to learn to take care of themselves in order to survive. Life for them is about survival. They live in fear, even terror that they will be punished for something they were unjustly accused of, for not being perfect, for disappointing the tyrannical narcissistic parent.

Fortunately, many of emotionally deprived and abused children find a way to escape their family psychopathology by leaving these homes of horror, using their initiative and intelligence to pursue the professional ambitions and use their creative gifts After they become independent adults, many adult children who grew up in these chaotic dysfunctional families benefit from good psychotherapy or other healing modalities that help them to deal with the psychological deprivation and multiple cruelties that they experienced growing up in narcissistic blended families. Those who survive and prevail deserve our praise.They have weathered a very difficult childhood inheritance. Using their faith in themselves and unrelenting perseverance, they have become individuated people who love and respect themselves and form warm, lasting relationships. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

In our current society narcissists are venerated, followed and fawned over. They are our national and state leaders, politicians, CEO’s, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, entertainment elite, medical doctors, university professors, spiritual teachers. The list is endless and growing.

Most people are captivated by the burnished image of an individual not their true nature. If someone is highly attractive, bright, educated, very articulate and charming, many are immediately drawn to this person. It is difficult to separate the image that a person presents from what lies behind the smooth talk, gorgeous eyes, confident stance, commanding presence. If you pay close attention and study the narcissistic personality you will learn to recognize that many of those who present themselves in this way are not “good people.” By this I don’t mean that they are criminals but that they don’t give a damn about you, never will and are motivated only by what they can take from you. They are users and exploiters par excellence. They have been learning this craft all of their lives. Most of them have felt superior to everyone else since they were small children. Narcissists are created not born. There is no narcissistic gene.

I say that narcissists are not good people because when we know what they reap in terms of human relationships, the picture is ugly. Yes, they may give money to worthy causes. Some of them are generous and that is good and praise worthy. But when we view their personal lives we see close up the psychological havoc they wreak with their spouses and children and other family members. I read and directly hear countless personal life stories of those who grew up with narcissistic families. What has happened to them for decades is devastating and horrific. They have been emotionally and psychologically abused throughout their childhoods and into adulthood. In a common scenario the parent’s public image is impeccable. People look up to this individual as a model–someone they want to emulate. The very opposite is true. Most often what is true about an individual takes place behind closed doors. It occurs in secret. It is kept secret because of the narcissist’s threatening and abusive treatment of family members. They have learned to keep quiet because their lives depend on it.God help those who cross a narcissistic mother, father, sibling, in-law. Narcissists control their private fiefdoms. Some spouses and children are brain washed and psychologically fuse with the narcissist. They are in massive denial and remain that way for the rest of their lives. Others recognize who this person truly is—a severe, highly disturbed, venal, cruel narcissistic personality who will continue to abuse them. They disengage themselves from this toxic family member, find ways to escape, save themselves and lead their own lives.

Learn to identify the narcissistic personality quickly so that you cannot be victimized by them, regardless of their public image, personal magnetism, convincing lies, charming overtures to you. To understand the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your

“Casting one’s lot with a narcissist means that your life no longer belongs to you. Your mental freedom and psychological space are invaded…The narcissist creates an unbroken fusion with his intimates, treating them like the intricately woven fabric of his own personality.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life, p. 160) Since the narcissistic is incapable of emotional intimacy, he/she cannot form close relationship, especially as a spouse or parent. The narcissist believes that his spouse is a living possession who belongs to him and must follow the script he has written. Your perspective, regardless of how well informed and intelligent, is of no value to the narcissist. These severe personalities rule by intimidation and intimidation.

Those who grew up in a narcissistic family are particularly vulnerable to marry a narcissistic partner. Repeating this pathological pattern is not unusual. These children are familiar with this kind of treatment although it was highly abusive. Sons and daughters struggle with a sense of unworthiness. Narcissistic parents overwhelm their children.

There are exceptions. Some spouses wake up and recognize that they have been psychologically imprisoned by their husband or wife. After decades of abuse, neglect, betrayals and chronic lying, they make the decision for psychological freedom. No longer will they be screamed at constantly, humiliated for voicing their opinion. Instead they will take creative initiatives to fulfill their personal destiny, growing as a strong solid self with a sense of inner peace and optimism. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There are many extraordinary human beings who grew up in narcissistic families. Mother, father, sisters, brothers, in-laws, grandparents—every pattern imaginable exists. This is one of the most difficult family constellations for a growing child. In some cases there are surrogate parents in the form of a brother, sister, aunt, grandparent, who provides a sense of acceptance, affection and being cared for. In others the child grows up very isolated, believing that this family is the only reality. Other children see through the charade early and learn to maneuver through their own lives by keeping themselves almost invisible, pretending to go along with the narcissistic family delusion, while maintaining their own sense of reality. Some children escape into books, spend a lot of time at the homes of friends, learn a great deal from their teachers, use their imaginations for creative purposes and insulate themselves from the pathology that surrounds them.

At some point the children in narcissistic families discover that the people who”raised” them were unable to be genuine. As narcissists they lived as false often grandiose selves. Getting in touch with the real self is not possible for the narcissist. Children in these families are often highly favored as special and superior. Many of them become narcissists and repeat the family pattern.

Those who step out and separate and individuate from the narcissistic family of origin take a monumental passage forward to re-acquaint themselves with their true selves and all of their special gifts, talents and energies that they have concealed from themselves for so long. One of the purposes we are here on earth is to manifest our creative gifts in the special form it takes in each individual. The maxim–“Let your light shine” is a wise one and essential to leading whole, healing and triumphant lives. You may be surprised at how many of your creative gifts you have left lying fallow. Many are amazed at the rich capacities that they have deep within them. The other part of your healing is in sharing what you have learned with others. There are so many people who feel trapped by the narcissistic personality.in each family constellation. Some of those who are now living in the freedom of the light communicate their journeys in various forms–writing, art, being active in support groups.

We celebrate your perseverance through this process and the emergence of your real self that has been waiting all of your life to become the person you were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists are incapable of developing and sustaining genuine relationships of any kind with spouse or children in particular. They are parents in name only. Many of them spend most of their time away from their kids. They can’t be bothered taking time and patience to listen to their children, comfort them when they are upset, encourage them with school, show deep affection and love for them. So many children of narcissists with whom I have communicated describe their lives with a narcissistic parent as horrific. Those who are not the special child and don’t have the looks and talents that the narcissistic parent values, find themselves marginalized and demeaned. The narcissist parent is obsessed with his/her image. Because of this need for narcissistic supplies these parents make sure that to those living outside of the home, there is a look of perfection and normalcy about this family. A portrait of loving attentive parents is cleverly created for public image purposes for the narcissist.

To keep his/her children quiet and in control, narcissistic parents who have the means use money and generous gifts as a way of buying off their children. This becomes a way of life for them. Money is used in exchange for love. Some children of narcissists go along with these manipulations; others recognize that their parent(s) is incapable of loving them and using material means to control them. In many cases the narcissistic parent makes empty promises that are never kept. These children remain tied to the narcissistic parent in a psychologically parasitic relationship. These children never grow up and realized their potential. They spend their lives waiting for something that will never come—genuine love. In exchange they accept the narcissistic parent(s) gifts, material largess and special privileges of being part of the inner circle.

Children who awaken to this truth go through painful realizations, recognizing that their parent cannot love. This is a difficult psychological and emotional process for children of narcissists. Surprisingly, many children of narcissistic parents are loving human beings, capable of deep empathy.

Coming to terms with psychologically and in some cases physically severing the relationship with the narcissistic parent is a complex process. There is a period of grieving over the loss of not having a parent–the person from whom you needed unconditional love. Some of these children benefit from psychotherapy in working through these painful issues. Part of the healing process is in their recognition that they are loving and capable of emotional and psychological intimacy. Some of adult children turn to healing practices like hatha yoga and meditation to help them quiet the mind, attain a deep sense of inner peace and finally detach from the narcissistic parent. It is essential that you take charge of yourself, recognize and lead your life as a person of great value and integrity. As you move ahead you will rediscover your unique gifts and talents. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Our physical immune systems are a wonder. If we maintain them, they are constantly fending off diseases and infections of all kinds. We are in charge of our immune health. We learn how to eat foods that will support the immune system and avoid others that will suppress our powerful defenses. Our daily habits strengthen the immune system. The exercise that we do on a regular basis boosts our immune systems. Making every effort to get quality sleep is another source of strengthening this wonderful protective function that enhances our physical well being. I use this example to explain that we can develop an immunity to narcissistic verbal attacks. Of course if we don’t have a professional obligations to be around narcissists, we avoid them. They are a toxic presence. There are growing numbers of narcissists every day. We find them in our spouses, siblings, parents and with our bosses and co-workers. The narcissist has no incentive to change. At this time of growing acceptance of narcissists in our current society, we have to learn to deal with them. They are not going away and they have no reason to change. They experience themselves as perfect and others as inferior and defective.

We build psychological immunity by first understanding and appreciating who we are. It is not the sum of our accomplishments in the world. It is based on the strength and integrity of our character and our capacity to know and seek the truth. It is recognized in our efforts to move beyond the compelling narcissistic delusion that you can be ruthless, cruel, merciless, without conscience and destroy others as long as you win.

Don’t be surprised at the number of people who follow and are true believers of narcissists. They crave being a member of the inner circle even if they are infrequently thrown crumbs or are honored to kiss the ring of the anointed.They have thrown away their identities, strapped themselves to the narcissist for the E ticket ride. They will do anything to be identified with this person. They believe that he or she is a good human being because of outside trappings and the wielding of power over others.

If you have a narcissistic parent you have been through the wars of childhood and prevailed. I am not downplaying the horrendous suffering you have been through. It is incalculable. It often occurs into adulthood. When you know that your parent(s) is a narcissist you have a number of decisions to make. You can control your contact with them despite their protestations and accusations and their spreading gossip and lies about your character. Anyone who doesn’t see through these machinations is not going to be someone whom you can rely on or trust. Sometimes good people are fooled by these cunning method actors. Sometimes relatives who took the bait, see the truth and turn around. But you cannot wait for what they might do.

The focus is on developing and evolving as an individual who is solid and strong. Some who have been victimized find that psychotherapy is helpful in building a therapeutic alliance with a professional and developing trust, being heard and understood. If you go in this direction, do you research and trust your observations and reactions to prospective therapists. Remember you are hiring them to help you with your life.

If you are verbally attacked by a narcissist who is a family member, an acquaintance, an ex-spouse, learn to detach from their inappropriate, incendiary comments and criticisms. First, you don’t have to respond to such cruelty in the first place. Some statements are so delusional that they do not deserve engagement —silence on your part can be golden, when the narcissist knows you mean it. There are times when you make the decision to defend yourself. There are many replies to toxic questions and queries and cruel statements. Make your statement clear and short.Do not re-engage the narcissist. That’s what he’s waiting for—to pull you back in. One good response to inappropriate queries is: ” I don’t respond to personal questions.”

One of the best ways to immunize yourself is to create an internal space inside that cannot be penetrated by the attacker. Develop habits and routines that you consistently use to quiet your body and mind. Regular exercise that works for you is one of them. Getting sufficient sleep and eating good foods strengthen the body,mind and psyche. Following your creative track is inspirational and empowering. It separates you further from the narcissist’s arrowed quiver of recriminations, manipulations, deceptions and blatant cruelties. Learn to go within, using a form of stilling the mind that works for you. It can be a form of meditation, chanting, gentle yoga with emphasis on the breathing, gardening, keeping a private journal, etc. Develop a small but faithful support system. These are people you can count on when you are discouraged, worn out, burned out and when you feel alone. The listening ear of a supportive person is one of the most powerful forms of psychological immunization you can have.

Search for and follow your dreams. Allow you mind to move unchoreographed and free. You will be surprised at the results of this practice. Spend some time, even if it is smile lifting up others. This is a special time right now of great suffering for many. A smile a kind look, a few words can make all the difference in their day and yours. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

All of your life you have been exposed to the psychopathology of your narcissistic mother. As a small child is it very unlikely that you realized that your mother was a serious personality disorder. These mothers are cruel to their children directly and indirectly. They constantly criticize, demean and undermine their children.The only exception are the chosen daughters and sons who become the golden child monster children.

Many adult children of narcissistic mothers have internalized toxic projections of this highly disturbed parent. They believe that they are defective and at fault. Narcissistic siblings unite with the mother and reinforce these feelings of being at fault, not being good enough, never adding up, ruining the family image. When adult children research the narcissistic literature they are surprised to learn that it is the narcissistic mother who is to blame not the child. Many of these adult children go on a quest to discover who they really are. They discover insights into their true natures. They learn to appreciate their individuality and gifts. Many of them separate physically and emotionally from the narcissist mother. They will no longer be stunted, blocked, brutalized, criticized and undermined by this person even though it is your mother. It is your decision to remain connected with the NM and whether to separate from this person who is psychologically toxic.

There are many ways to heal from the narcissistic mother that include practices of quieting the mind, hatha yoga, creative writing, walking meditation, making a companion of Nature. At this point you appreciate yourself as a solid, individuated person. Celebrate you freedom and your life. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com