Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

The grandiose narcissist stands at stage center on all occasions. If a party is being given in someone else’s honor, the narcissist will steal the show, making sure that he/she is noticed, applauded and praised by every guest. He goes through his current life rundown— recent business successes, excellent decisions that have put him on top, his adoring perfect family. I have heard narcissists speak about the special pedigree of their pets, which is always very rare and precious. God forbid that they would have a mutt or a shelter rescue pooch.

On the other end of the spectrum but possessing the same corrosive personality structure is the covert narcissist. The manner is often very polite and subdued. The covert narcissist is playing up your ego with a worshipful voice and endless compliments. They’re throwing you off the scent, disarming you. You can go several rounds with a covert narcissist without realizing who they are and what they want. Their pseudo humility and low key personality style is clever camouflage. If you are working with one of these disguised narcissists, beware of their cunning. As they play up to you and earn your trust, they are talking behind your back, spreading lies about your personal life and your professional shortcomings, so they can leave you in the dust when promotion time arrives. This often happens when men or women are competing for partners. A covert narcissist thinks nothing of gaining access to your husband or wife, making herself/himself irresistible and destroying your marriage and family. When you look back you recognize that this person was always playing a role. There was no exchange of empathy. These clever predators move in and out of our lives. The numbers of narcissists are growing within a society that rewards them so handsomely. In some venues if you are not ruthless and amoral, you can’t get ahead. The media and entertainment often applaud the narcissistic character, focusing their lenses on the perfection of the image rather than the solid individual who can be trusted, is honest about himself and who is deeply empathic. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

There is a term that describes certain kinds of individuals who are very successful in the world, have many admirers if not adorers, have access to social/business connections we might all envy whom I call bloodless sociopaths. I use this term because they are without conscience, completely lack empathy, are among the cruelest and sadistic human beings but literally don’t draw blood. They commit numerous crimes throughout their lives and don’t get caught. That’s how well they have mastered their act. Often they have a high intelligence quotient and have achieved superlative marks throughout their schooling. From the time they are very young these sociopaths know that they are superior to everyone, including their parents, that there isn’t anything they can’t do or have. The world and people in it exist to be manipulated by them.

With the narcissistic style taking over much of our world today and becoming fully acceptable—self absorption, obsession with appearance, being in the A list social circles, coldness and disdain for those outside of this magic bubble—it becomes easier for the sociopath to move in and out of business and social circles undetected as a dreadful human being. We have narcissistic sociopaths who run some of our prestigious corporations. We have some members of the branches of government who fit this definition. When you look at some of the dirty deal making that takes place, the rip-offs of those who are without power or money, and the pure greed involved you find that many in the corporate, entrepreneurial, entertainment, media and government that fit this definition. No one wants to talk about sociopaths in high places. Most people have a problem believing that a person with such prestige and power who is given the highest respect and deference and even lionized could be so predatory.

Their family members may not be aware of their levels of criminality. They have become so deluded and accustomed to leading privileged lives that they close their eyes to anything that disrupts the perfect insular world they have created. There are plenty of spouses and children of narcissistic sociopaths who will tell you horror stories about their private lives. Family members describe themselves as prisoners, unable to make their own decisions, forced to follow their parent(s) commands to the letter. They view ugly violent scenes between their parents that are re-enacted frequently and put them in a chronic state of anxiety and apprehension. Spouses who willfully stay married to these reprehensible individuals put the lives of their children in psychological and emotional jeopardy. If you are the spouse of one of these individuals and finally recognize all of the damage that has been done, wake up and prepare to sever these pathological relationships if not for yourself for your children.

Narcissism and sociopathy in its bloodless form are becoming more acceptable in the society at large. You don’t notice many high level narcissists doing perp walks or losing court cases when they are clearly guilty or going out of business because they have been defrauding their business partners and clients for years.

To protect yourself, study the narcissistic personality disorder and the narcissistic sociopath so that you recognize them quickly and know exactly how they operate. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, numerous online bookstores
Email: [email protected]

There is a plethora of spiritual teachers who are profiting from the psychological and emotional suffering of vulnerable human beings. This brand of narcissism has a long sleazy history. The difference today is in the enormous reach that these individuals have, worldwide due to the global media. Many narcissistic teachers are well educated and articulate with their subject. Their audiences often are quite sophisticated. Many of these teachers take their source material from ancient texts and oral traditions, reiterate the salient ideas from the original and re-label them to package a product that is their brand. Spirituality in the hands of narcissistic teachers is a product, a business, not a study in higher consciousness or the alleviation of suffering.

I am aware of the psychological damage the narcissistic teacher can wreak on the spouses and ex-spouses of narcissists. Individuals who have already been burned in marriages to toxic narcissists find themselves unwittingly seeking help from the same kind of personality disorder who has inflicted great emotional harm upon them. Feeling desperate and alone, some ex-spouses pay large sums of money (they cannot afford) to attend ongoing seminars and workshops offered by unscrupulous teachers. Some vulnerable students cling to narcissistic spiritual teachers, in the empty belief that they will be finally be healed.

Those who are experiencing the psychological pain of moving through the process of separation and divorce from a narcissist must learn to protect themselves from this kind of exploitation. “True spirituality is the opposite of narcissism. Its purpose is to work through layers of delusion to the truth. An authentic spiritual person comes without fanfare; he is not waiting for the next closeup, speaking fee, or autograph…The true guru is humble…attached neither to making large sums of money nor becoming famous and powerful in the world.”

You can heal and grow after a divorce or breakup. In fact, you can renew your life. It takes hard work, belief in yourself, strong solid support, for some-psychotherapy, and if you decide–a spiritual path that you alone choose. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:[email protected]

You have been suffering from breaking up and going back with your narcissistic ex for years. You know the pattern. You don’t him see or hear from him in several months after one of your many partings. He calls; you are hooked again. I communicate with a number of women who are trapped in this repetitious pattern. Many of them have been married to narcissists. Each time they resume the relationship, they believe that this time it is all going to work. Narcissists are not capable of loving or being loyal with other human beings. They have a serious personality that is not going to change. They are false selves, often with an irresistible facade. Most people fall for this and believe that the persona is the real person. This is not the case.

Instead of repeating a psychological pattern that is harmful to you, use your intuition—listen to this voice of wisdom within you—. When the narcissist makes contact or you feel the need to call, email or text him, listen to your intuition say no. Intuitive messages move through us very quickly. We learn to be attuned to them. This is a great gift. The more consistently you use intuition the more finely tuned it becomes. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

There is a common thread that runs through many marriages to narcissists, especially when rumblings of a divorce are in the air. Before the lightening strikes it is not unusual for the narcissistic spouse to have taken all of the joint assets and whisked them away. The other partner is shocked that the narcissistic husband/wife claims that he doesn’t have any money. The non-narcissistic spouse on the other end of this dreadful dilemma is left with confusion and anxiety. The spouse who has cunningly spirited away the financial assets is a master of control who knows where every penny is. This, despite the fact that he/she may be making a huge amount of money. Narcissists love to brag about their wealth but when it comes down to sharing it, forget it. They dole out small sums of money to the spouse, telling them how lucky they are to be leading such a fine lifestyle. They complain if you spend even a few dollars over what you are “allotted.” Some narcissistic spouses will tell their wives that they will just have to sacrifice because times are rough. Meanwhile, the narcissistic spouse is indulging himself in every way–the more the better. Narcissists are chronic liars and betrayers—This is immutable. You cannot change these characteristics and don’t try to discuss these matters with them. They will go into projection mode and blame everything on you. Every horrible thing that ever happened to them is your fault. You don’t want to stir this up. You might not even need to stir–narcissists are projecting their venom all of the time.

Besides the financial matters, the narcissist is psychologically and emotionally eclipsing your life. With constant irrational demands, volcanic rages, criticisms that cut you to the quick and phoney crying jags–why would you waste the rest of your life with this person. Your vitality is sapped; your creative gifts are lying fallow; your sleep is disrupted. You have no inner peace.

If you decide the marriage is no longer working with the narcissist (and they don’t) create your own plan well in advance of any statements about a separation or a divorce. Make sure that you have access to all of the information about your shared finances. I have heard too many times about women in particular that have been married to a narcissistic man for decades and who didn’t know how much money was coming in from her spouse’s wages, investment or properties. Many women are financially independent today and that is terrific. And this could be because of so many reasons. A good job with a good salary, deciding to put some money aside into a separate account each month, perhaps researching life expectancy in the US or wherever they live and then investing in life insurance accordingly, or through any investment opportunities they have on their own. It’s not unusual for more people to consider the latter idea when they want to increase their income, as over bei capital.com (at capital.com), you can see how you can buy currency or shares and trade them as and when you please. By doing this, you will find that your financial situation improves, leaving you with enough money to become financially independent. But in so many instances I hear very sad stories about women who are left with no means of support. They have a few rough choices. They can remain in the hellish marriage to the narcissist or they can leave with a paltry sum of money and start all over. Many of these women are well up in age and it would be very difficult for them to find a job that will sustain them. Be wise. Beat the narcissistic spouse at his/her own game. When you have hints or intuitions that the marriage is going south, start doing your research into the finances. Before that make sure that you have as much access to community property as your narcissistic spouse. Narcissists are cunning; they can “smell” divorce papers coming. So be clever, wake up, create your plan of action in detail. Talk with an expert attorney who knows how these conniving individuals operate and how divorce law works. Become highly informed. This way you have an edge on this man or woman who will leave you (and your children) with nothing as he moves on to his next big business deal and another woman (or man) whom he will engage in the same treacherous dance.

Recognize your value as an individual. Keep yourself healthy–physically, psychologically and emotionally. Don’t wait for the narcissist to change. That is not going to happen—ever. These folks are great actors and they are clever at drawing you back in. Don’t buy it. Once you know who the narcissist is, decide if you can tolerate sharing your life with this person or if it is time for you to make the move to sever the so-called partnership. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]
Po

When you work for a narcissist, your life is taken over by his/her psychopathology. He demands your attention and full sprinted effort 24/7. He expects total loyalty to him but is very disloyal. The narcissist coldly uses those who work for him. Develop a deep understanding of the narcissistic personality disorder, maintain your psychological boundaries and learn not to overreact to his tantrums and extreme grandiosity. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: [email protected]

Today we are surrounded by narcissists–in the media, entertainment, among our neighbors, acquaintances, in medicine, in psychiatry and psychology, in “spirituality”, the culture of many corporations. In the years since Christopher Lasch wrote his brilliant prescient work The Culture of Narcissism (1978) we are experiencing his predictions. We have arrived—-in the Narcissistic Culture. Long ago Lasch knew what would happen to many “relationships” –“Personal relations founded on reflected glory, on the need to admire and be admired, prove fleeting and insubstantial.” The narcissist demands that you are a mirror of his or her perfection. Many people follow the narcissist’s lead because he is holding the power, the force of personality, the delusion that you can become as overly confident, self entitled, as deceptive and exploitive as this person. We discover today that so much of career climbing to the top is based on being ruthless and amoral. This is becoming more the rule than the exception. “Work hard and play by the rules”—Really??? That doesn’t fit with the narcissistic style. In so many corporate venues it is those who are very attractive physically if not drop dead gorgeous–male and female, combined with blind ambition and a willingness to let others falter and fall by the wayside, who reach the highest positions within a corporate structure. These individuals operate without conscience. If someone doesn’t fit into their singular plan of victory, the narcissist will do everything possible to kick this person out of the way, even if this causes horrible distress and financial instability to them—They say to themselves: “You are weak and worthless; get out of my way. I have no obstacles, boundaries or limits. Get between me and my goal and I will annihilate you.” There are still extraordinary corporations and the people in all levels who work for them who have outstanding characters and who still work very hard and maintain the highest level of conscience and concern for the welfare of others.

On a personal level narcissists within the family–spouses, ex-spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings–are making the lives of family members miserable, unbearable and bleak. I hear many life stories of those who were trapped in a narcissistic family and who had to survive by going along with the perfect mirroring , criticisms, intimidations and complete injustice of their situations. They have suffered greatly. I don’t think that most people understand, unless they have experienced the malicious face of a mother or father narcissist, know what this does to a child every single day. Know that these cruelties exist and that they are malevolent and in some cases, evil. That is not too strong of a word to describe the psychological damage sustained by many children raised by a narcissistic parent or a narcissistically abused spouse or sibling. These victims are telling the exact truth. Believe them.

Human nature is both sublime and very dark. Narcissists dwell within the prisons of their own psychopathology and that is a tragedy. But the damage that they do to others is incalculable. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand who this person is. Forget the external image–it is fleeting and meaningless. This is the world’s superficial appraisal. It is part of the delusion that has become even more prevalent than at any other time in recent western history. Facade has now become reality–That’s what we are being told constantly.

Pay attention to what is deep inside of you–your intuitions and insights that come quickly with the truth. When you call upon these gifts, you cannot be compromised or vanquished. You are riding with the truth throughout your life, gaining strength, psychological stamina, spiritual steadiness and laser focus. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

There are high and lower level narcissists and layers in between. Every narcissistic personality has specific characteristics by which he or she can be identified: self absorbed, extreme self entitlement, lack of empathy,grandiosity,manipulative and exploitive of others. Lower level narcissists do not succeed in the world like their high achieving brothers and sisters. One attribute of the lower level narcissist that stands out is a persistent paranoia. Paranoia is “a pervasive fear that others will harm or even destroy us. The narcissist lives in …a dangerous inner world…he is tormented by anticipated attacks of delusional enemies These unconscious enemies are remnants of cold aggressive internal parental images perceived as persecutors.” The narcissist has no awareness of his internal process. When he is stressed, feels cornered or has not received the narcissistic supplies (adulation, praise, power, money) that he craves, he becomes more deeply paranoid. This paranoia is acted out upon those in his personal and work life. The narcissist trusts no one and is always looking over his shoulder for an imagined enemy who has come to destroy him.

A case vignette brings the paranoid narcissist into full light. Claude is part owner of a nursery that sells plants, tools and other garden accessories. His father started the business several decades ago. Claude is king of his domain and always right. He has no respect or personal concern for his employees. Besides his sense of superiority, manipulation and complete lack of empathy, Claude suffers from a pervasive paranoia that runs alongside his pathological narcissism.

For some irrational reason known only to Claude he insists that plants be constantly over fertilized with a toxic pesticide. One of his employees, Jake, developed a severe rash as result of handling the plants. When the employee was medically debilitated, Claude blamed him for his medical condition, tried to pay the employee a very small off the books fee to keep Jake quiet and insisted that he would fight any workmen’s compensation claim. Claude was adamant that Jake caused his own severe rash and it was all his fault. After the employee returned to work, Claude had several of his relatives watch the employee at regular intervals to see if he was doing his job. Claude sent them to snoop in Jake’s yard to make sure he had not stolen anything from the store. Jake has resigned. He can no longer work for an abusive narcissist whose paranoia invades his privacy.

Many employees continue to work for Claude. Employer and employee are participating in a pathological folie a deux. Despite the narcissism and paranoia, both parties remain psychologically intertwined with one another. Understanding the paranoia that is part of the narcissistic personality will further clarify your understanding and ability to deal with these complex and toxic individuals. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: [email protected]

The narcissist arrives and moves into our lives with striking, compelling outer packaging. Often he or she is very attractive, bright, a social standout. The narcissist always has a plan up his sleeve about the people in his life. He asks himself: “What can this person do for me?” “Can I make money or achieve higher status through his contacts?” “What’s the best way to get rid of him/her after I’ve gotten what I want?” “Who is the next person on the horizen who can fulfill my desires?”

Narcissists go after their goals with a vengeance—like old testament gods. There are no shades of gray when they are driving down the home stretch. They wreck marriages, abort contracts, cause intolerable stress and anxiety within their homes, detour money into their coffers when it belongs to someone else. Narcissists are ultimate users. They are particularly dangerous to those who are emotionally fragile and dependent. Borderline personalities are often victims of the narcissist’s ruthlessness. The borderline has a deep pathological fear of abandonment. These individuals are emotionally unstable and are inclined to go through periods of extreme mood swings, have poor ego boundaries and problems with impulse control. As a result they are easy fodder for the preditory narcissist. I have known many instances in which borderline personalities who are psychologically enmeshed with narcissists have lost any remnant of control over their own lives as a result of these highly dysfunctional relationships.The narcissist doesn’t suffer; he has no conscience. There are no consequences for his horrendous actions because he’s learned the fine art of not leaving his finger prints on these lowly deeds. Some borderlines have psychotic breaks or if they are alcoholic they swirl down into the oblivion of their addiction. In some cases, the victims become physically ill and have difficulty recovering their health. Meanwhile, the narcissist has moved on to his next prize.

To those who fear him, the narcissist says:”If you don’t give me what I want, I will take it from you.” “If you make it impossible for me, I will destroy you.” These are the clear implications that narcissists leave with those who cower in his presence. When we stand steady within ourselves and face the narcissist without being intimidated, we have a great opportunity to assert ourselves and the truth. Coming to a deep understanding of how the narcissist functions psychologically and why and learning to deal with him successfully, will expand you consciousness and your life in every way. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic men are looking for women who will adore them, provide them with adulation, capitulation of self and total compliance. Narcissists never admit their mistakes but are obsessively finding criticisms and launching humiliation on their borderline personality spouses. The greatest fear of the borderline is psychological abandonment and feelings of annihilation. The borderline personality fuses psychologically with others and has great difficulty maintaining boundaries. The borderline is easy prey or the manipulations and cruel deceptions of the narcissist. The narcissistic man is the opposite of the borderline woman. He is extremely demanding, always gets what he wants, supremely self entitled, superior, has no conscience and doesn’t give how he devastates others emotionally.

Borderline personalities have suffered great trauma in childhood. They have no sense of entitlement, feel worthless and empty and can’t make it on their own. The cruelty perpetrated on them in the marriage to the narcissist mimics and is a repetition of the painful patterns of childhood.

Narcissists know when they will discard their borderline spouse for a new fresh, younger model. The narcissist moves on with no regrets, no stricken conscience, in some cases only a blur of memory that this woman had a role in his life. To learn to protect yourself from the narcissistic personality disorders and assert your own life as unique and valuable, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife