Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

If you know the narcissistic personality disorder well, especially if you have divorced one of these individuals or been on the receiving end of a narcissistic parent, you know that this one person can cause extreme stress and psychological pain among the members of an entire family. Everyone surrounded by the narcissist’s destructive traits—chronic lying, deception, betrayal, manipulation, exploitation, emotional sabotage—is highly aware of the severe damage that this highly pathological individual can wreak. Narcissists do care who you are–a stranger, an acquaintance, a close family member, even a child. If you get in their way, they will intimidate, threaten and retaliate if you buck their wills of steel. Some family members make excuses for these horrific people. “Oh that’s just the way he is—a perfectionist.” But he is so bright and accomplished–cut him some slack.” Really—-I don’t think so when this person is running roughshod over the minds, hearts and psyches of those closest to him. No one person has the right to invade your boundaries, demean you, humiliate you or taunt and terrorize you. I don’t care what this individual has accomplished in the world, how much power he wields, or the size of his material largess.

We are at a time right now when narcissists are applauded because they are so driven—yes they move ahead trampling on everyone else. This is despicable behavior and will not be tolerated. Those who have suffered under this treacherous treatment write about the terrors and tortures they have endured under the sadism of one narcissist. This happens all of the time but most people remain unaware of the severe psychological and emotional damage this one highly disturbed person has caused. Become fully aware of the nature of the narcissistic personality psychopathology. Listen to those who have suffered under its iron boot and merciless treatment. If you have a havoc wreaking narcissist in your family, you may have to make a 180 turn away and sever the relationship. I know this can be difficult but remember this severe personality disorder does not change. The quality of your life–psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual–is invaluable. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There are many material perks to being married to a narcissist who is successful in his/her career. There is the image that you were chosen by this accomplished, bright, socially skilled person to be his partner. Many spouses are swept into this role. Eventually the dazzle and bling for many begins to fade and the person married to the narcissist recognizes the down side of this pseudo relationship. As you live with this person you recognize that he has a dark side that is selfish, cruel, cold, calculating, vindictive, exploitive, deceptive. Many non-narcissistic spouses decide by default that they must live in misery with this individual. Some of them have grown up in narcissistic families as scapegoats and targets of chronic verbal abuse. They spent their childhoods being criticized, demeaned, humiliated and projected upon. They were blamed for things they never did. A narcissistic brother or sister was always able to convince the narcissistic parent that the victim was the perpetrator. Children growing up in this family constellation feel helpless, frightened and that they are unworthy of leading a happy life. They are always anticipating misery since that is what they known from the beginning. It is not unusual for these individuals to repeat the childhood pattern by marrying a narcissist.And the nightmare begins anew. The abuse is horrendous but familiar to them. They expected to be treated cruelly and dismissively. That is what they know.

In many cases the non-narcissistic spouse wakes up and realizes that she/he has been play the part of the victim all of her life. She begins to feel that she deserves so much more: inner peace, affection, being understood and cherished, growth of her creative gifts. Eventually these victims discover that they are married to narcissistic personalities who are not going to change. But they are—They become more independent, begin to appreciate their individuality, participate in good psychotherapy and join support groups. They finally recognize that they are worth it—a valuable unique individual and step out of the Misery Role. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic mothers have more than nine lives. When they convince you they are weak and vulnerable and you are so worried about them that you can’t sleep at night, that’s when they strike. If you go to visit them to bring whatever they must have, they look at you dismissively as if to say: “Why are you here?” or “You never come to visit me. What do you want from me this time?” No matter what you do for a narcissistic mother it will never be enough. Even when you are the child in the family who has been most devoted toward her with your actions that take away you time and energy when other siblings will not share the burden, these narcissistic mothers will talk behind your back to her other children. They are so cruel. This is because they have a severe personality disorder that you can’t cure. They are not going to change. You can find ways to cope with them if you can remain psychologically detached. This is a tall order and takes a lot of training and discipline. When you were a child it was hellish growing up with your narcissistic mother screaming at your dad all of the time. It broke your heart to watch him cower with fear like a small child himself. But he kept coming back for more. Growing up with a narcissistic mother carries a pain all of its own. If you haven’t experienced it, it is hard to explain. There is neglect, abuse, control, rage, dismissiveness and the absolute knowledge the child has that she/he will never be good enough to meet mother’s standards.

After going through these battles for so many years and paying the price—psychological, physical health issues, marital problems of your own caused by these dynamics, it could be time to say:”Enough” I will not let her pull me back down again into this intolerable inner place. I don’t deserve this. My focus needs to be on healing and becoming individuated from my mother—psychologically separate from her. This can be done. It is not easy. Sometimes contact has to be severed. In other cases there is minimal contact with rules that involve being treated with respect.

In the aftermath of making this change in your life, whatever form it takes, begin to look up rather than down. Begin with small steps–allow yourself to enjoy something each day that you love to do. Got out into your yard or look at the birds that inhabit the spaces around you. Take a walk with a friend. Develop a few relationships with people who are capable of hearing you and helping you make this transition of movement toward separating from mother. Look at all of your creative gifts. Start to use them now. Begin without being judgmental. Learn to quiet the mind through meditation or gentle yoga. Some form of aerobic exercise helps in these transitions. Aerobics makes you strong and increases your endorphins and aids sleep. Write down your thoughts and feelings. This is a freeing experience and a very creative one. Be patient with the healing process. The self is always in the process of growth. Take the obstacles out of the way and it will happen. Have faith in yourself to do this. Don’t be judgmental. Give yourself the warmth and tolerance you are always giving to others. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenaricssistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

It is remarkable that some extraordinary individuals survive their narcissistic families. With a narcissistic mother as matriarch and a favorite narcissistic daughter who is her top lieutenant, it becomes impossible for the other children to have the psychological space and peace to grow and become accepted for themselves. Non-narcissistic brothers and sisters are both dismissed and severely punished. Behind the closed gates and doors of the narcissistic family, horrible deeds occur. The narcissistic mother exploits her children–That is the “relationship”. Those who are favored by mother are adored, indulged and given no limits–including physical and emotional abuse they perpetrate upon the younger children. A budding narcissist in this kind of perverse family constellation is often highly sadistic–taking pleasure from the pain he/she inflicts on a brother or sister. In some egregious situations, mother narcissist joins in on the abuse, even laughing and making fun of a child who is being terrorized, who is hysterical and being hurt both physically and emotionally. In some cases there is an unspoken pact between the favorite narcissistic child and the mother that cannot be broken. This union is highly pathological and represents a crime against the children who are victims. Children who grow up in these environments learn to survive by going along with the horror occurring inside of their homes every day. Often the father is psychologically weak and will turn a blind eye to the abuse perpetrated on his children by the narcissistic matriarch. These ugly confrontations by the narcissistic mother and the golden children occur frequently. Children victimized are terrified of going home. They dread what will happen to them when they close their front door and are in the midst of a chamber of horrors when anything can happen. With some children–violence begets violence and some of the brothers and sisters become physically and psychologically abusive to the other children. Everything is kept secret from the public image of the narcissistic matriarch. She is well respected in her social or church group. Her neighbors look upon her favorably. The narcissist is a consummate actor who publicly waxes sublime about how much she loves her children. She brags about how brilliant and special they are. She plays the role of devoted mother to the hilt. And most people believe her—This is astounding but true.

For many children of narcissistic matriarchs the time of reckoning comes. These children feel themselves faltering. They can no longer take the extreme abuse, the constant lies and accusations, the beatings in some cases, the unending humiliations. They make the decision to leave this very sick family. Some of them marry to escape the war zone. Others simply leave the hell home and struggle to find their way to become independent and free of this mire of psychopathology. Some children never escape and spend their lives as victims of the sadistic narcissistic matriarch and her cruel narcissistic adult children.

Those who save themselves are to be deeply commended. You have made the break. You have changed your life path. You have prevailed as an individual. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Some families have generations of narcissists who seem to pop up everywhere. There is no narcissistic gene but it is amazing to discover how they proliferate in some families. Those of you who have been emotionally and psychologically abused by narcissists in your family understand all to well.

You think of a grandmother as a loving, open and helpful person. Someone who extends herself to take care of your children–a person of great integrity–someone who can always be counted on. Enter the narcissistic grandmother and watch out. Narcissistic grannies are on a power trip that won’t stop. They may be deep into their seventies or eighties or even older but that doesn’t stop their malevolent deeds. Besides they have an advantage–they can play the super senior call. “Why would anyone pick on me. I’ve given my life to this family and what do I get, a lot of damn abuse–ungrateful children and grandchildren.” This is grandma’s skillfully honed act. (Most grandmothers are terrific. Many of them are raising their children’s kids. They are kind, highly competent, strong and have great wisdom. Many of them have important careers and many accomplishments). I am talking about the highly pathological narcissistic grandmother who runs everyone into the ground, except her pet people who are her followers and servants.

Many of these grandmothers are holding the purse strings–they control the family assets that have been accumulated. So family members feel beholden to them to get their share of the monies and properties during Grannie’s life and afterward. Children and grandchildren are treated like servants in Her Presence. Everyone is expected to be highly differential to this woman of stone or else you will be cut out of the will or lose face in the family and be exiled forever. NGs set one generations against another, brother against brother, sister against sister by telling cascades of lies constantly. She is the puppet master–a sinister trickster–playing games with the emotional and psychological well being the members of her family. Many members are in for the long haul despite all of the abuse they must take. How can they be sure that this unempathic cruel woman will ever do anything for them. After all, she plays favorites all of the time. These grannies love play “unpredictable” and causing apprehension and fear. They glory in watching everyone jump when she opens her mouth.

You have a choice with a narcissistic grannie. You can sever the relationship or let your life be eclipsed or even ruined by this prevaricating ruthless sadistic human being. You might say:”She will mellow; she is getting older.” Oh, contrarie! As narcissistic grannies advance in age they tighten up their hands and absolutely will not help or give. They must have everything for themselves and their favored children and grandchildren. For them a relationship is about money and property not feelings, love, loyalty, kindness, devotion. These words are not part of their vocabulary.

You have a decision to make. You can stay part of this ugly play written by NG or you can sever the relationship with this malicious narcissist. Leaving these family arrangements even the worst of them is difficult but not impossible. A time will come when you realize that you cannot let someone –a cold narcissist to trample on your life or your children’s or spouse. The game is over for you. You know that you have great individual worth inside yourself. You are genuine and have integrity. You will make the break despite what the rest of the family thinks of you. What matter is how you measure yourself, your growth, creativity and the genuine relationship you have with your close family. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Many children of narcissists have played the scapegoat role in order to survive childhood. This is chronically hurtful, painful and demeaning to a child. When other siblings are representing a narcissistic supply to the parent, these kids are shoved in a corner, told they are worthless, even that they were never wanted and should have been an abortion—Yes I have heard this more than once—It is despicable.

Surprisingly, many of these children find their way. They survive by keeping out of target range. Some of them spend large amounts of time with the families of friends. Others engage in solitary activities—spending time in the library, fantasy games, spending healing time with Nature, creating imaginary friends, drawing, painting, computers, writing, etc. They have creative gifts and are using them. They still take the blows of their dreadful “parents” and the budding narcissistic brothers and sisters who torture them with cruel words and threats. If this child is fortunate he has a brother or sister who protects him by communicating that he loves this person and will always be there for him.

One of the greatest days is the one when you decide you are a victim of your narcissistic parent no more. You will take no more abuse no matter what the consequences. Some young adults leave their home, go it alone and find their way. It is very difficult and frightening to be by oneself without resources but they are scrappers who are determined to make it on their own. As they grow into adulthood they recognize that they were placed into the middle of a psychological cesspool. They have left the toxic stew of the narcissistic family. We congratulate them. They have left a dreadful prison. Those set free spend time healing themselves psychologically. Many find help from excellent therapists. (A piece of advice–Be very discerning about the therapist you choose—Some psychotherapists are narcissists and will project their unconscious feelings and thoughts on to you. It’s worth taking the time to find a great therapist). Standing at the top of the hill, you have won the battle. You are strong despite the scars of your wounds. Feeling those old scars is empowering. Don’t expect other people to understand where you are coming from unless they have been through life and death battles of their own. Most individuals are in deep delusion and only want to hear “happy talk”, phony superficial chatter. You are on a road less traveled. Celebrate!!! To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.

Intuition is an instantaneous knowing of the truth. It is faster than rational thought. You cannot study or analyze the truth that comes forth from intuition. To get in touch with your intuition it is essential that you are in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system that part of us that represents the calming healing part of ourselves. this is both scientific and mystical. Everyone can learn to tune in to his intuition if you become receptive to this great gift.
Deep breathing through the nostrils that is done through yoga asanas is one of the ways to get in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system. Gentle yoga poses using nostril breathing calms the nervous system and puts us in a state of restoration. The more often we are consistently in this state the stronger our capacity to heal. Powers of intuition are enhanced by calming the body and the mind.

The narcissist overwhelms everyone in his environment. He is the powerful one, the ruler and controller of everyone’s life. When you grow up with or are married to a narcissist, your life does not belong to you. the narcissist has chosen acolytes. It is not unusual for narcissistic parents to pick one or two children whom they mold into perfect replicas of themselves. These individuals are conditioned to becoming false grandiose selves that develop into narcissistic personalities.

Those who are married to narcissists often wake up and realize that they are being abused, that their lives are narrowing, their options diminishing, their gifts are faded memories, their energies are sapped. They have reached a turning point. They start studying the narcissistic personality everywhere they can get this material. They open their eyes and recognized sometimes for the first time that their parents are narcissists and that they are married to a narcissist or that they have narcissistic siblings or an entire narcissistic family. They are at a decision point pivotal to the rest of their lives. They now know they can no longer live as a prisoner of the narcissist. They move step by step toward detaching themselves psychologically from this toxic individual. Some find help with skilled psychotherapists who understand the true nature of the narcissist and can form a strong therapeutic alliance that will provide them with support and insight. Developing your deep intuition is part of the freedom process. Use the techniques that work for you to become more and more receptive to your intuition. It is waiting for you to ask for assistance. The more often you use this great gift the more powerful and natural to you it becomes. Intuition is very real and can be highly developed with consistent work. It is part of your pathway to freedom and protection from the narcissist in your life and opens the doors to healing and the reclaiming of your real self. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and Intenrational
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Whether it’s within a family or a work environment—one narcissist can disrupt and destroy many lives. I have seen this happen too many times. Most people can’t believe that a human being could be that venal, cunning, toxic and white hot destructive–all inside of one person. Many look at you in disbelief when you tell your story of being pulled down emotionally, psychologically and physically by your personal relationship with a narcissist. When these individuals are particularly poisonous and easily cross legal and ethical boundaries they enter the heart of darkness called sociopathy.

It is chilling to watch a narcissistic sociopath rip people’s lives apart.and get away with it. This doesn’t happen once or twice. It is a way of life for these people. I have never seen them pay for perniciously predatory behavior. In fact some of those who are magnetic sociopaths have devoted followers who want to be just like them. They are enshrined and venerated due to their material success and the level of power they wield in the world—their social and business connections. Everything is fixed for them. They can get anything they want done by making a phone call or sending a text. Some come to their defense and say: “Oh they must be suffering!” Really!!!! That is not possible without conscience, empathy or human decency. They cause hurt and pain to those around them, especially if individuals targeted are highly sensitive and vulnerable individuals. Spouses and children of these narcissistic sociopaths are devastated by their control, cruelty and sadism.

There are individuals who wake up and recognize that they have been horribly victimized, that they must rescue themselves from this ongoing hell. Fortunately, many of them do research on the narcissistic personality and sociopathy and come to terms with their singular value as a human being. You sever your “relationship” and begin the road to healing. It is extraordinary how these survivors re-discover their lives, creativity, mental stamina and independence.

Growing up in a narcissistic family is one of the toughest life pathways. When we are very young we don’t know exactly what is wrong. We feel insecure and unhappy and frightened much of the time. Some children in these families feel isolated surrounded by their narcissistic families. These are families in name only. Narcissists are incapable of genuine relationships. Children are used as narcissistic supplies that provide a powerful enchanted image for the narcissistic parents. If the children are attractive, bright, have talents, these can all be used as a source of powerful narcissistic supply for the parents. Many narcissistic parents no no effort to raise their children. They can’t be bothered. They are too busy with their careers, social lives, traveling, having parties and keeping their physical image at a high state of perfection. Looking great takes a lot of time, especially if we insist on being impeccable and that is what many narcissists focus on–how beautiful, flawless, elegant they appear. Narcissists do absolutely no work on their inner selves. They have no conscious access to their person. They are incapable of having an internal life. They will never know themselves. Rather they spend tremendous energy impressing people about how superior and wonderful they are.

Children who survive the narcissistic family are to be commended. They have achieved a harrowing journey and come through as real individuals. What a feat!. After you extricate yourself from this toxic family allow yourself time to heal. Some adult children participate in high quality psychotherapy which helps them to re-orient themselves and recognize what they have been through and who their family really is—highly narcissistic and toxic. They do the work of healing and begin to individuate from these pathological people who are parents and siblings in name only. Be patient with your healing. Many find that forms of meditations, gentle yoga, tai chi, your choice of exercise as well as creative pursuits and finding great friends is all part of the healing process that brings you into your own. Now you are free to define yourself, to recognize that you are a loving human beings capable of empathy and capable of emotional intimacy. You find friends and a support system who help to support you. You are evolving toward becoming your real self. Celebrate your great achievement. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation:United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

No one can make us feel one way or the other. It is up to us to know who we are—positive and negative. This is how we evolve as individuals. When you are married to a narcissist, your life is taken over by a powerful, controlling negative personality. The spouse may be very upbeat, friendly and charming at times. He or she make plans. They tell you how much they love and care about you. These are the “good times” with the narcissist and usually occur in the beginning of the relationship. The narcissist’s mood can change in a flash. He or she can flip and become Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde at any moment. These quick changes are due to what is happening inside of the narcissist’s psyche. The narcissist doesn’t understand himself at all. He has massive defense mechanisms that he uses to unconsciously project his self hatred on to those closest to him–wives and children, and in some instances co-workers. Deep inside the narcissist is psychologically empty. He must constantly go out into the external environment to seek praise and adulation to feel more grandiose and superior.

Most often if you are married to a narcissist you are psychologically embattled most of the time. This person is continually telling you that you are defective, stupid, incompetent and their favorite word, crazy. Even when you know one hundred percent that you are not crazy, this kind of accusation can be very frightening. Actually the narcissist is telling us a lot about the chaos in his own mind.

If you were psychologically abused as a child or had narcissistic parents (which always means a form of abuse) you are likely to internalize these cruel comments and feel badly about yourself. Studying the narcissistic personality disorder is the beginning of your freedom and feeling differently about yourself. You will make the psychological separation from his/her psychopathology and yourself. You are not perfect–no one is–but you do not deserve to be the object of the narcissist’s primitive projections. They do not belong to you. They are all about the narcissist. You will begin to unravel this puzzle and release yourself from the pain you have endured so long. I know you can do it. You deserve to live in freedom, inner peace and to use all of your unique gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com