Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply - The Narcissist In Your Life

No One Can Destroy You Psychologically II

If you survived your childhood—and that is a very tall order for many abused, neglected and deprived children— no one can psychologically harm you.It usually takes most of us a number of painful experiences to come to this realization. After all what we had to do to remain alive emotionally and psychologically meant that we had to become invisible, pretend who we weren’t, cower in a corner and hope that we would not be hit, hide from our parents at friends’ houses, disappear into libraries to escape the horrors of home and fill our minds with useful intellectual information. Libraries become a place of refuge for many children. In books we enter a world of enchantment where we can be transported to other worlds and away from the constant psychological pain of our dysfunctional families.

Those who have suffered abuse and neglect often choose as partners, individuals who will continue these kinds of behaviors. We are drawn back to what was familiar to us,even though it made our lives intolerable. Many children learn very early that they are unworthy of kindness or empathy. They become inured to cruelty and neglect. As they grow up they unconsciously expect this kind of treatment from others, including prospective partners.

At some point victims of emotional and psychological abuse wake up. Maybe the last time of being humiliated and shamed and even struck in the face by a spouse or partner was the last straw. They say to themselves: “I will not take this kind of treatment ever again.” This time they mean it and begin their journey toward healing and wholeness. No one can harm or destroy you psychologically. Learn to appreciate that you are a valuable unique human being who deserves respect and the reciprocation of love and appreciation. Send this message to others who are still suffering and trapped in this old cycle of abuse. Your life has begun anew—Keep your light shining day and night. You deserve to live with a spacious calm mind, the reciprocation of love and friendship and deep inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Project Self Loathing on to Spouses

From the classic descriptions of narcissists you would think that they are in love with themselves. They are supremely self entitled, self absorbed, grandiose, greedy and seek praise and adulation from those who act as their servants. Their self image is uppermost in their minds. Many of them appear to be externally impeccable. Those who are uninformed believe that the narcissist is an extraordinary human being. This is especially the case if the narcissist is a high achiever in business, entertainment, professional sports, politics, etc.

The truth deep down is that the narcissist unconsciously loathes himself or herself. The narcissist is unaware of these feelings of self hatred and psychological emptiness. Rather he projects these noxious overpowering feelings and beliefs as primitive projections on those closest to him, his spouse. Those wed to the narcissist or partnered with him get the brunt of his unrestricted volcanic rage, accusations, humiliations, verbal assaults. In this way the narcissist gets rid of the excess of psychological poison in him and ejects it on to someone else. (and never holds himself accountable for the severe pain this causes). Often those married to narcissists put up with the abuse, thinking that they deserve to be treated with such menace and disdain. Spouses make excuses for their mates “Oh, he’s under so much stress, he slipped and got out of control—It won’t happen again.” They tell themselves and even believe that the narcissist will change. This is not the case. Narcissistic personality disorder is a fixed character structure that is very unlikely to change. The projections of self hatred in the form of noxious abuse will continue. The narcissist is not in touch with the unconscious facets of himself/herself. As long as there is a human receptacle available, his self hatred will be spewed in that direction.

If you can’t take the abuse any longer, you can make the decision to detach yourself emotionally from your spouse or to permanently leave the relationship. Think carefully and study in depth about the narcissist’s personality structure and how it operates. Stop blaming yourself. You don’t deserve to live in misery and a constant state of siege. To learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: https://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You are Evolving—The Narcissist is Regressing

The narcissist with his/her elaborate image of smooth self confidence, excessive self entitlement and an ability to manipulate others to bend to his will, appears to moving ahead in life at full speed. Continually in restless movement, making one business deal after another, influencing social and professional associates to invest in his projects, having a list of followers who admire and praise him, one would think that he/she is progressing at warp speed. If we judge the narcissist by his level of activity, it appears that he is always accelerating toward greater success.

Inside the narcissist’s psyche, this individual is a false deluded self. The real self of the narcissist is regressed back to early childhood. When we observe the narcissist at very close range, we are aware of this profound regression.This is evident from their attitudes and behaviors. The narcissistic rage that pours forth from them, the lack of psychological boundaries that overstep respect for others, the ruthlessness to obtain what he wants and must have at great price to others, the complete lack of empathy, the constant acts of deception, the lack of conscience—all of these traits tell us about the narcissist’s true nature. The narcissistic personality is a fixed personality disorder that is most unlikely to changed. At their core they are incapable in getting in touch with their authentic selves and therefore of evolving and moving toward psychological growth.

Those who have been involved with the narcissist—as children of a narcissistic parent, siblings of narcissistic brothers and sisters, married to and divorced by narcissistic spouses—have experienced a horrendous long ordeal at the mercy of the narcissist’s psychopathology. As you move each day to heal yourself, you are freed to grow and thrive in every aspect of your being: psychologically, mentally, physically and spiritually (in the way you define this concept) You have fought to maintain an authentic sense of self. The path ahead without the narcissist is welcoming you to now move forward with your life with renewed purpose, the flowering of your unique gifts, the freeing of your emotional expression, a sense of mental spaciousness and inner quietness. You are growing, moving forward every moment. Your horizons are expanded and open to every possibility. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists-Making Others Do Their Dirty Work

Narcissists beneath it all are cowards and phonies. Despite their psychological shallowness they perpetrate tremendous damage on other human beings—emotional, financial, mental. Pernicious lying, deceptions and manipulations are part of their psychological dna. For most narcissists their image is uppermost in their minds at all times. How they appear to others, how many followers they are accumulating, how much praise and adulation they are receiving and how wonderful people believe they are—these are their touchstones. I have communicated with many of those who were married to narcissists who were stunned by their partner’s ability to maintain a pristine public image while privately causing severe trauma, emotional distress and even terror to members of his/her family, business partners, etc.

Narcissists who succeed in the world preserve their pristine images by having favored members of their tight inner circle do their dirty work. Whether it is bringing down a business competitor by stealth and intimidation, using corps of attorneys to break down a former spouse who is asking for child support and custody arrangements, narcissists find the best follower, the most devoted—to carry out their malicious goals. I have had contact with many of their victims, especially their discarded and broken spouses, partners and children. The damage that they do is immeasurable. Part of the insidious problem is that the current culture rewards narcissistic behaviors–“I’ve got mine; the hell with you.” The narcissistic style of acting superior, being over-entitled and a laser focus on outward appearance and “image” has become pervasive in many stratas of our culture today.

Those who have survived the narcissist and are prevailing by moving forward with their lives despite all of the pain they are suffered, deserve our deep respect and empathy. These individuals are real. They come without facade, artifice or hidden agendas. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Living with a Narcissist-Have You Had More than Enough

“Relationships” with narcissists cannot be genuine because of their true nature. A narcissist is a grandiose false self, focused completely on his/her own ego needs—adulation, praise, worldly power, subservience of others to his will. In the early stages the narcissist with his solid gold charm offensive is unstoppable to most. He/she knows exactly how to play people, almost hypnotize them to make them members of his court. He is at your service; you are indispensable; the perfect match. Some narcissists are so clever that they can anticipate your needs, know exactly what you want and get it for you. This is the wooing and seduction phase of the relationship.

Once you are in his possession, the mask starts to crumple and the other side of the narcissist’s personality is revealed. This is a perfectionist, manipulator, deceiver, chronic liar, exploiter of everyone, especially those whom he has chosen as a partner. Many individuals marry narcissists against their own better judgment. They say to themselves: “He is so special and brilliant, so charming; this ugliness is temporary, it will pass with time.” Another rationalization is: “I know he will change and I am the one he can count on to make that transformation.” A self destructive belief: “There must be something the matter with me. He/she is so successful and revered by many people. I need to give him a chance. I’m being too sensitive.”

Eventually the full weight of the psychological devastation perpetrated by the narcissist comes down upon you. He is in constant rages, blaming everything that goes wrong on you. You are incompetent. Some suffering partners take the blame upon themselves, never reflect that it is a pernicious psychological projection on the part of the narcissist. Once volleys of rage have bruised and beaten you down, you begin to wonder if you can take it any more. The ongoing verbal abuse and the absence of the smallest
shred of empathy have wearied and beaten you down. How much more will you take? Is it worth your psychological or physical well being? He much longer will you throw you life away and have it siphoned off by the narcissist’s insatiable ego needs? At some point in this recurrent pain, many decide to leave the narcissist and reclaim their lives. This is a tough challenge, especially if he/she has control of the finances. There is no perfect time to leave the narcissist. One thing you can count on for sure is that this personality disorder is not going to change. In making you calculus close consideration must be made if you have children with this person. Narcissists have devastating psychological effect on their children. They are incapable of parenting and in some cases, their progeny become narcissists.

Making the decision and following through can be very tough but well worth the effort and perseverance.
After the break and you have renewed your psychological equilibrium, you will finally breathe become the author of your life. Good psychotherapy, support groups and communication with trusted friends may all be part of your healing process. Now you observe and follow the new trajectory of your life, the inner peace that you have awaited so long and the renewal of hope and creativity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book:amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Spouses of Narcissists-Addicted to the Lifestyle

Narcissists are masterful at reading you up close and personal. They know exactly what they have to do to get your undivided attention and to eventually possess you. Narcissists go all out when they are on the hunt for a man or woman who will fulfill their insatiable needs, enhance their public image, remain compliant and discreet regardless of their atrocious behavior. They are always seeking pleasure, enjoyment and escape. Psychoanalyst Dr. Otto Kernberg describes the narcissist’s psychological inner (unconscious) state:”…these narcissistic patients’ experience of emptiness is characterized by the addition of strong feelings of boredom and restlessness…patients with narcissistic personality…do not have that capacity for empathizing with human experience…Their social life, which gives them opportunities to obtain confirmation in reality or fantasy of their needs to be admired, and offers them direct instinctual gratifications, may provide them with an immediate sense of meaningfulness, but this is temporary. (When the narcissist cannot obtain these gratifications)…their sense of emptiness, restlessness and boredom take over.”

This is where the spouse comes in. She/he is expected to keep the narcissist feeling splendid about himself at all times. As the spouse becomes an integral part of an upper tier lifestyle (in the case of high level very successful narcissists) it becomes more and more difficult to see through the delusion of constant distraction, material acquisition and incessant pleasure seeking. The spouse has strapped herself in for the ride of a lifetime. How could she possibly give this up. Ugly cracks begin to appear in the elaborate persona of the narcissistic spouse. Temper tantrums and menacing intimidations become more frequent. The spouse is on the receiving end of these ugly interludes.

Many spouses are unaware that they have a choice and can wrest themselves from the narcissist. They can separate themselves and their lives from this. But they are already addicted to the lifestyle that the high level narcissist provides. Who could walk away from this set up. It’s too good, too wildly self indulgent to say “goodbye.” The price the narcissist’s spouse pays is with her life. It no longer belongs to her. Even her thoughts are dictated and run in tandem with the narcissist. Her previous values have faded—she has new ones–they are narcissistic–flitting from one thrilling event to the other, meeting the most important people, traveling incessantly, buying whatever she impulsively wants. (This equally applies to male partners of female narcissists).

There are a few individuals who wake up and realize that they can no longer be a prisoner of their narcissistic spouse. They have listened finally to the steady voice of intuition that has been telling them that this is not a healthy relationship- in fact it is not a relationship. It is an arrangement, the source of narcissistic supply for their highly pathological spouse. Those who take the steps and sever themselves from this pseudo partnership, discover that despite the divorce aftermath, they are freed up on every level. Of great significance is the case of freeing one’s children from the narcissist’s grip. This is a great victory for you and them.

As the western world marches ever faster in sync with the Narcissistic Style, rewarding those who are most egregious and calling them “good people” , take the other road–authenticity, inner peace, creativity, kindness, true individuality—There you will thrive and celebrate all of the blessings of the true self. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sociopathic Narcissists-Leave Before the Violence Begins

Each narcissistic is unique in his or her own way. Despite this, they have fixed characterlogical traits: lack of empathy, ruthlessness, obsessive lying, exploitation of others, chronic deception, delusional grandiosity, self absorption, lack of conscience. The seeds of these personality traits are sown in early childhood. There is a spectrum of narcissism that includes the sociopathic narcissist. These individuals are even more destructive to others, including their own children, spouses, ex-spouses, partners, siblings. They leave no one spared when they decide to make their hostile, ruthless moves. If you are in their way they will use treacherous methods to psychologically and financially trample you like a herd of wildebeests. They are toxic to all human beings, even those within their adoring golden circle. They play dirtier than most people can imagine. I frequently hear from their victims. In some instances the early warning signs is extreme verbal abuse, violent rages and horrific intimidations. Their victims have a difficult time and are ashamed of revealing that there was physical violence involved—a shove here, a slap there, an attempted strangle (where the narcissist says “Oh, I was just playing a game” or “Don’t take this seriously; you know you are the only one for me.” Verbal abuse is a form of violence–that needs to be emphasized. When you have a sociopathic narcissist screaming at the top of his lungs every day, promising to bury you, who calls you a nutcase and poisons all of your friendships, leaving your isolated. Do not wait for the clenched fist, the head slammings against the wall, bloody teeth in your hand, a pillow that stops your breathing.

Watch carefully at the beginning of your acquaintance with a narcissist. He/she will always give themselves away if you pay close attention. When you get that creepy feeling in your gut or the short hairs on the back of your neck stand at attention, you know whom you are dealing with—a violent out of control sociopathic narcissist.

Leave this person now before the violence escalates and your life is endangered and there is no return. You deserve to feel secure, solid, peaceful—free to use all of your creative gifts, to form trusting loving relationships and to fulfill all of your aspirations. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.

Narcissistic Greed-Narcissistic Psychological Emptiness

Narcissists are extraordinarily greedy. Greed is an extreme desire and pursuit to obtain more than what needs, especially with regard to material wealth. They are never satisfied with what they have and are very competitive with other narcissists. They always must be at the very pinnacle, the top of the mountain, the guy who takes home all of the marbles (even if he steals them from others). In our current narcissistic society narcissistic greed has become very acceptable to many people. In fact there are many individuals who look up to narcissists who continue to acquire more material possessions (that they don’t need and will probably not use). High level narcissists surround themselves with a charmed circle of people who provide him/her with unending narcissistic supplies: praise, adoration, continuous kudos, even worship. These individuals are obsessively loyal to the narcissist as long as they can fuse with his grandiosity, extreme self entitlement and delusional world.

Deep inside the narcissist experiences himself/herself as psychologically empty. These powerful feelings are unconscious to the narcissist. The narcissist projects these vituperative feelings of self loathing on to others, particularly spouses, children and siblings. At the core the narcissist is full of self loathing, living as a false self, unable to be real, to reciprocate feelings of affection or love. Emotionally he is shallow and incapable of creating or sustaining any authentic human relationships. Raise as a false grandiose self, the narcissist is an empty shell, surrounded by an outer shell that is fraudulent, shallow and disingenuous. The narcissistic emptiness in many ways drives the narcissist’s obsessive greed. Unconsciously feeling emotionally empty and unworthwhile, the narcissist is psychologically hungry for the narcissistic supplies that he voraciously needs. This includes finding and even possessing individuals who will adore and mirror him perfectly. Narcissists do not change. This is a very fixed personality disorder. Narcissistic greed will persist as long as the current society continues to reward pathological narcissism as it so handsomely does in our current societal climate.

Those who are not narcissists have access to gifts that are much more valuable: the capacity to give and receive love, deep empathy and implementation of ways to help others, a sense of deep inner peace, an authentic sense of self that is solid, steady and rich with integrity. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists-Cruel Custody Battles

Narcissists discard other human beings when they have squeezed out and stolen their energy, stamina, creative gifts and sense of self. They are incapable of real relationships. The narcissist writes the script and directs the roles that those within his inner circle will play, including spouses, children and other family members.
One of the most painful aspects of divorcing a narcissist is when he or she decides to fights for custody of his children. Some of the most heartbreaking cases that I hear concern the victimization of the non-narcissistic spouse and the children of this marriage. In some cases the narcissist decides for spite, image and power plays that he will fight for custody of his children, not because he love them. The purpose of these long hateful battles is to wear down and exhaust the psychological and financial resources of the injured spouse. The courts often play into the hands of the narcissist, especially if this individual has extensive financial resources. I have known of prolonged cases over custody that have taken over a decade to resolve. The narcissist psychologically tortures the ex-spouse by purposely dragging out the process, making outrageous accusations about the mental and psychological fitness of the ex-spouse, cunningly convince judges that he is an honest and dedicated parent who is only looking after the welfare of his children. Protect yourself an d you children by making informed decisions about becoming married to and having children with a narcissist. If you already are divorcing a narcissist, make sure that you have a very astute attorney who understands the ruthless treachery of narcissistic personality disorder. The better you are informed the greater your chances of avoiding a marriage with a narcissist and having children with them. If you already have children with a narcissist and are in the middle of a custody battle, do your homework and learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists-Not Getting Their Just Desserts

If you are married to a narcissist, the adult child of a narcissist or a sibling, you understand the emotional pain that you experience as a result of the relationship. The narcissist is always watching out for himself alone. He or she may find someone whom they fancy to provide them with much needed ego enhancements. They may have children with this person. That doesn’t mean that this individual will become a permanent fixture on their stage set. Some narcissists choose partners who are wealthy and compliant, willing to go along with their empty promises and the romantic rush they cannot resist. As long as the money is plentiful and they have access to its flow, the narcissist is pleased to maintain what appears to be a close relationship. There is no real commitment here, only a lucrative arrangement that gives him access and control of the finances and social and business connections.

I have been in contact with many who are still suffering from the narcissist’s financial and emotional exploitation. In many instances narcissists have committed fraud, neglected their financial obligations, lied about and concealed their net worth and been sued. Despite all of this, they find ways to wiggle out of and escape justice. The courts move very slowly especially if a person without conscience hires high powered attorneys to use delay tactics, barrages of continuances, endless depositions. If a narcissist has sufficient monetary staying power he can spend years fending off and stonewalling those who who have been harmed and whose lives have been severely disrupted and in some cases, devastated. In the meantime the narcissistic has adroitly found willing pawns who are sucked into his latest vision and are happily writing checks.

The best justice with a narcissist is how you lead your own life. Being psychologically and emotionally free has no price. It is invaluable. Don’t wait for the narcissist to come to the seat of justice and be fairly tried and sentenced. In most cases, this does not happen. I am very sorry about this but it is the reality.

You will start healing. Some days will be rough, remembering everything you have been through, even thinking of the good times and your fantasies of how it could have worked out. First of all, don’t blame yourself. You have been dealing with a severe fixed personality disorder that does not change. You have made a courageous decision to leave this individual and keep him out of your life. If you have minor children with him, you can work to find ways to interact with the ex-spouse so that is supportive of your children and their psychological well being. Skilled psychotherapy can be very helpful in the transition. Support groups are also a source of growing strength and movement toward greater emotional independence. Discover what you love, what animates you. Explore your creativity. Practice healthy routines–good nutrition, regular exercise, meditation, yoga that create balance and steadiness in your life. You are moving ahead. Congratulate yourself. Dynamic life awaits you. Answer its call. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com