Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

No Emotional Bonding with Narcissistic Mothers

Beginning with the first moments of life the baby begins to bond with his mother. This is essential to his psychological and physical survival. Mother and baby attach in a loving fusion. The good enough mother ( a term introduced by psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott ) spends many months in a state of maternal preoccupation with her baby. The baby that has left the womb must have this constant care, comfort, feeling of safety in order to thrive. Besides nutritional nourishment, the baby internalizes the caress, smell, gentle sounds, soft soothing touch of mother. Through the long nights when the baby’s hunger cries signal the need to be fed the mother leaves her sleep to feed her tiny infant. These sounds are compelling and the good mother knows instinctively to recognize the different cries of her baby. As the months pass, the bond between the two of them strengthens and the baby begins to recognize that mother is a separate person. The baby has begun to internalize mother into his psyche. This is not the case with the narcissistic mother. Many narcissistic mothers leave the delivery room, go home and are in there office’s within two or three weeks. They may even have a surrogate mother feed the baby after the birth and calm him when he is crying. Not all mothers who return to week early in a baby’s life are narcissistic. However, this kind of behavior is not optimum for the baby’s psychological well being.

The most significant deprivations is a complete lack of psychological and emotional bonding that the child experiences with the narcissistic mother. She is cold, unavailable and preoccupied with herself. You ask yourself: Why did she have children? Maybe she accidentally got pregnant and is going through the motions.

Some narcissistic mothers purposely have children they can show off and put on display as narcissistic supplies and living puppets.

Having a narcissistic mother and not being attached to her is a very difficult psychological legacy for the child. In some cases there are substitutes like an aunt, older sister, grandmother or a nanny. This can make all the difference for the child. In some cases the father becomes the mothering figure and that is fortunate. Some children have no one. They are fed, dressed, sent to bed, given breakfast and sent to school in a mechanical manner. The narcissistic mother is critical, cold, disengaged, unaffectionate and basically has nothing to give her child. The focus of life is herself, not her child. Children who grow up under these circumstances often feel empty inside and find it hard to form warm, secure, trusting relationships with others.

There have always been narcissistic mothers; we now are able to recognize them more specifically. However, there is a serious trend in our society today of the grow of more narcissists and narcissistic mothers. These mothers are not scorned ; they are praised for being able to DO IT ALL. No one can do it all. That is impossible and untrue. What looks lovely on the outside can be a complete nightmare to a child on the inside.

There are adult children of narcissistic mothers who find ways to heal from this deep psychological wound. I have been in contact with many of them. They are strong, caring and often very empathic individuals. They have my deepest respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Hellish World of Narcissistic Mother-in-Law

Women who marry the man they love who has a narcissistic mother need to be prepared. They have run right into the sites of the Matriarch from Hell. When you first met your husband’s spouse you could not have known that this woman was determined to run your life and make you miserable. Many of these narcissistic mothers are psychologically fused with their sons. This started when the child was very young. In some cases the mother substitutes her son for her husband who becomes a footnote in her life. When her darling son decides to get married the alarm goes off. The narcissistic matriarch is willful, ruthless and determined that she will forever possess her son and he cannot be shared with anyone, including his own wife.

The narcissistic mother-in-law sabotages her daughter-in-law, talking about her in highly negative tones. “This is not the right woman for my son. She seems to be superficial. I suspect that she is ultimately after our money. She has her hooks into him and won’t let go.” These statements are shared with other members of the family in a convincing way that turns them against the newly married daughter-in-law. The NM-in-law throws the full force of her ruthlessness and treachery into her goal—the destroy this marriage. In some cases this works. The wife gives up. She has been isolated, demeaned, lied about, dragged through every texture of mud possible. I have heard of narcissistic mother-in-laws who had the nerve to contact their daughter-in-law’s work to tell outrageous lies about her daughter-in-law. It is remarkable what these dangerous, highly disturbed narcissistic mothers are capable of doing and pulling off.

Many daughter-in-laws take the showers, the oncoming mortars of abuse continuously. They become weary, exhausted, depressed, anxious. Some of them develop PTSD as a result of this severe level of abuse.

My advice to daughter-in-laws who have tried everything to keep peace and to compromise but have been chronically attacked as a result, should consider the possibility of severing the relationship with her husband. The spouse needs to choose between his disturbed fused relationship with his mother and his wife. If the son cannot individuate from the mother, then there are no alternatives than to make the separation. In some cases the husband wakes up and realizes that his love for his wife and his become a separate individual from his pathologically possessive mother takes precedence. The daughter-in-law should not blame herself if she has made repeated efforts to make peace and comes to the realization that she is dealing with a classic narcissistic mother-in-law. You are not to blame. Honor and respect yourself. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorcing A Narcissist-Leaving the Charmed Circle

The narcissist draws a circle of admirers around him/her that provides him with a constant flow of praise, adulation, even worship. Those who are married to narcissists are members of this special club. Those who cast their fates with high functioning narcissists benefit from financial security, a comfortable lifestyle, social status, business opportunities. “The narcissist draws a magical, golden circle around himself…Those inside this chosen enclave are privileged. Members of this elite group believe that the light that shines so brightly upon the narcissist will reflect back onto them, warming each one with an incandescent glow.” Spouses of narcissists are part of this golden circle of influence, a connection with power and privilege. This is the upside of being married to a narcissist. The downside is hidden and dark. Beneath the image of charm and magnetism, the narcissist in private is a demanding, manipulative uncompromising individual who is cold and ruthless. Spouses who obey and give their lives to their narcissistic spouse are more likely to be remain in these relationships. They will be betrayed many times through the narcissist’s sexual affairs as well as his complete psychological absence. and total lack of empathy. They have lost themselves and their lives.

By the time the non-narcissistic spouse has come to the point of divorce he/she has suffered greatly under his partner’s ruthless hand. You have been the recipient of endless demands, humiliations and bottomless narcissistic rage. He has turned your emotional and psychological life upside down over decades for many. The time of decision has come and you have mustered the courage and strength to break this abusive alliance and leave behind your role as part of the charmed circle. This step can feel right but overwhelming. The final straw is different for each non-narcissistic spouse. You sense a keen psychological vulnerability. Nevertheless, you move forward, do your homework, choose an excellent attorney and make the plans that will lead to a legal and emotional break in the pathway of your life. Your momentum is moving forward rather than backward. Although this is a difficult process and there are reverses and plateaus along the way, you are in the process of rediscovering yourself. With the help of psychotherapy, emotional support of real friends, and a determination and belief in yourself as a valuable and worthy individual, you step out of the narcissist’s golden circle. This is a psychological relief and a promise you have kept with yourself. You are unbridled to move along at your pace, your style, recreating your life and expanding and deepening your experience of reality in the world and deep within yourself. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-New Year’s Resolution

In this blog post I am addressing all of those who grew up with narcissistic parents, particularly a narcissistic mother. I frequently hear from these daughters who were trapped in the family wars and have the healing wounds to prove it. The narcissistic mother is without mercy and empathy. Those narcissistic mothers who give their daughters a lot of “attention” have their own selfish motives. They are creating the perfect child who will become the narcissistic supply for them the rest of their lives. Mother has modeled a living example of her superiority and perfection. When children are very young, their very existence and sense of reality depends on how they are treated and how they are conditioned by their parents. Narcissistic mothers often fuse psychologically with their young daughters. The little child is not allowed to breathe without turning to mother. She is encased in the emotional prison her mother has created. Mother’s message: “As long as you do, think, feel, and achieve everything that I expect and demand of you, I will accept you and love you (on my terms.”) “If you do not obey me, you will be discarded, punished beyond your endurance, and purposely alienated from your siblings and your father.” The father in this scenario is often too mesmerized by the primal narcissistic mother to have a clue about the horrendous psychological damage his spouse is perpetrating on their child. Some of these spouses are like children themselves, dependent on the all-powerful narcissistic wife/mother who has emasculated them long ago.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers become narcissists—miniatures of the pathological mother. Other daughters suffer throughout childhood , always out of step with the cruel manipulations of their narcissistic mothers. They pay a heavy price for their unwillingness to go along with mother’s pathological child raising recipe. Some of these daughters tell me that they spent most of their childhood learning how to become invisible. They hid in their room, reading, listening to music. As they got older, they were away from the house as much as possible, visiting friends, sitting in public libraries,going to movies alone or just wandering around by themselves, doing anything to avoid mother–the fire tongued dragon blocking the cave’s entrance. These daughters often leave home permanently as soon as they can. Some find solace, mental freedom and emotional breathing space in college. Other daughters marry early to escape further abuse. Some become entangled in a maze of substance abuse and dysfunctional relationships with men. Quite often these daughters marry narcissistic men and discover they are repeating with them the entrenched familiar psychological cycles and patterns of their family of origin–moving from narcissistic mother to narcissistic spouse.

If you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother—you have survived a very difficult journey. Give yourself love and credit for the fine woman you have become despite all the odds. As you look forward to the year ahead and all of those to follow, take stock, embrace and celebrate the individual you have become and are becoming every moment. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Cause Siblings Psychological Pain

Narcissists are masterful actors. If they are high level and are particularly gifted at playing the part of a decent if not superior human being, they fool the best of us, even psychotherapists. Often they flatter mental health professionals in the most clever ways and sway their judgment. That’s how clever they can be. This is all image, the outward posturing, the role of a lifetime that the narcissist plays in the public arena. In the privacy of home and especially from those who grew up with narcissistic family members the story is totally different.

The sibling of a narcissistic brother or sister has a very painful experience throughout his/her growing years. In some instances this child is surrounded by a narcissistic parent(s) and more than one narcissistic brother or sister. Living with a narcissistic siblings can be an ongoing nightmare for a young child. Some narcissistic parents pick favorites and always take the side of the chosen one whether he is right or wrong. Some parents join the budding narcissist in taunting, bullying and terrorizing the scapegoated child. These children are always in a state of apprehension and anxiety. Many of them spend long periods of time hiding in their rooms or staying with friends whenever possible. The scapegoated child in these families feels that he has no allies in those who are supposed to protect and love him. Children react differently to this level of abuse Some are super survivors and find creative ways to use their gifts, maintain their sense of self, make friends despite their families. Other children, those who are very sensitive in particular, are dispirited by their family circumstances and think of themselves as prisoners within their own homes. Some siblings band together to protect themselves from the narcissistic sibling.

After everyone is grown within these pathological families, the cruelty and treachery does not stop. Grownup narcissistic siblings continue to demean, criticize and humiliate their siblings. Now as adults they still pick away at every opportunity at their siblings. They use every opportunity to display their superiority and the sibling’s inferiority.

The sibling of a narcissist can make the decision to do the best he or she can do in dealing with this cruel human being whom he calls brother or sister. He can learn to detach himself emotionally from the narcissist, not overreact to all of the narcissist’s projections and know that this family member is highly disturbed. In other instances, the non-narcissistic sibling decides to sever the relationship (which never existed) to protect himself/herself from ongoing abuse and torrents of cruelties. In some instances some siblings find that quality psychotherapy helps them to deal with this process. Many turn to trusted friends and other family members and learn that they can recreate their lives with individuals who deeply care about them and accept and appreciate their authenticity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist’s Bogey Man-Chronic Paranoia

We all have irrational suspicions and fears that someone is trying to harm us psychologically either directly or covertly. At times there are forces at work in people known and unknown to us who do not wish us well. They are envious. They want what they perceive that we have.They think about how they can disrupt our lives to throw us off stride. This can happen between individuals or within groups and the most potent source, the psychodynamics within our families.

Suspicions and paranoia are fundamentally different. Suspicion is a diffuse, vague feeling of unease, uncertainty that we are not quite safe. Paranoia, which means “madness” in Greek is a condition of severe anxiety even terror that we are going to be harmed or destroyed by another person or group. Paranoia is driven by delusional thoughts that the individual is being persecuted and that harm to them is inevitable.

It seems counter-intuitive that the narcissist is a closet paranoid when we see him or her tackling the world with an extreme sense of self entitlement, perfection, supreme self confidence.

“Inside, he (the narcissist) is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies. These core suspicions are the remnants of hidden, cold, aggressive internal parental images that he experiences as persecutors.” (from Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). The inner world of the narcissist is dangerous, filled with psychological booby traps and bogeymen. He/she never feels safe. The narcissist lives with fear and dread–waiting for real or imagined enemies to do him in. He’s constantly watches his back despite the opposite image that he shows the world. Added to this mix is the real enemies that the narcissist creates as he rampages through the lives of others. Narcissists steal our lives if we let them. They are psychological thieves day and night. They will weaken you psychologically, drain your financial stability, isolate you from your friends and disrupt your life creatively, physically and spiritually. Remember that the narcissist is a severe fixed personality disorder who is very unlikely to change. He/she is ruthless and in some instances, treacherous. While he moves through the world, taking what he wants, acting out without limits, deep inside, he lives in fear of being harmed—in a state of paranoia.

To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

A Narcissist’s Dram Poisons the Well

The word dram comes from the Greek, meaning a small amount. I have watched one narcissist poison his/ her family and narcissists within families disrupt and decimate generations of families. It is very difficult to recognize and actually know the truth about the destructive power of the narcissistic personality disorder. Many of these individuals are feted, touted, emulated and even adored as the most brilliant, talented, influential members of our society today. With an exterior that poses and speaks perfection, dynamic energy that is endless, a magnetism that cannot be resisted—almost no one can say NO to them. They have infiltrated our daily lives. The narcissistic style is now accepted as normal, even expected. If you are not ruthless and self promoting, you have not succeeded. If you look at most individuals at the top tiers of power in every strata of society today you will find a plenitude of narcissists. There are incredible exceptions of highly successful people who are at the top of their game who are not narcissists. Thank god for them.

In families where you have a parent or parents who are both narcissists, the children have a very difficult time fending off the proclivity to become narcissistic or the psychological injuries of becoming a target for the narcissist’s constant spewing of psychological venom, criticisms, demeanments, humiliations—-a pounding of the psyche, ear shattering verbal abuse.

It is amazing to discover that so many people who contact me have survived these homes from hell. They recognized early that their parent or parents were disturbed. They learned to protect themselves, to create inner lives that were separate from the dram of narcissistic poison. Other children were molded and became narcissists. Their story is a tragic, not only for them but for all of those whom they encounter, especially their spouses and future children.

It is essential at this particular time of rising societal narcissism that we inform ourselves very specifically about this fixed personality disorder that does not change. Work hard at becoming more aware and accepting of your unique individuality–embrace it. You are not to blame for all of the projections foisted on you by your narcissistic spouse, parent or sibling.

Use the tools that you need to separate and individuate out of the pathological narcissistic system that has bound you. Many find comfort and transformation in practices of hatha yoga, stilling the mind, accessing their creativity, physical exercise that keeps you strong and steady, strengthening the power of your intuition, finding others with whom you can communicate the truth and are deserving of your trust. There is no perfect time to separate yourself from the narcissist’s poisonous dram–Do it now. Trust yourself, trust your inner knowing—It will lead you to a less traveled road that is simpler, calmer, loving, expanded, creative and life re-enforcing. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sociopathic Narcissists-More Dangerous than You Think

The narcissistic style has been co-opted by a growing part of the American population. The media and entertainment business, the powerful influence of peers on growing children and the lack of true quality time given to their children by some parents are all part of this equation. People do not have to have children today. They can make the choice to live without producing children or choosing marriage. These are respectable and truthful decisions individuals can make. There is still a residue of scorn and even suspicion felt by some toward those who make these personal choices.

There is a collective self absorption and selfishness that has become the norm in many circles. There is an absence of sensitivity to the needs and suffering of others, especially those who are judged as not fitting in to an elite group. Their differentness is derided and scorned through gossip and shunning.

There is a deep fissure, a social and psychological divide that is growing exponentially. If you are materially successful, have all the right contacts, and present an image of external perfection, you are preferred even chosen. If you don’t have the impeccable image, the high professional status, you don’t make the cut. Large swaths of today’s society have been taken over by narcissists and their deluded followers.

Grandiosity, lack of conscience, ruthlessness, lack of empathy, deception and manipulation have become tools rather than bad character traits. This is especially the case with sociopathic narcissists–those individuals who have the narcissistic personality structure and also share many characteristics of the sociopath. These traits include a careless disregard for other human beings, including chronic extreme verbal abuse and stress perpetrated upon spouses and children. Sociopathic narcissists purposely seek out ways to delude and control those who will profit them materially, socially and professionally. They are gifted at leaving others “holding the bag” while they abscond with the profits of some else’s labors. Leaving another person’s life in shambles or even their entire family is of no concern or interest to the sociopathic narcissist who has adroitly moved ahead to his/her next cycle of acquisition and control.

I am in communication with a number of victims of narcissistic abuse. There is a callousness in sociopathic narcissists that overrides any authentic human feeling. In fact if you get in their way, don’t pay attention to the cues that are speaking to you clearly, they will cut you down professionally and emotionally. Sociopathic narcissists are rarely brought to justice. They surround themselves with covens of cunning attorneys who do their bidding around the clock.

Human nature is both dark and sublime. There are individuals alive today who are giving, selfless, warm, empathic and such a joy that they bring a great light into our lives. We are psychologically held by their deep authenticity and boundless personal generosity. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Learn to Detach from the Narcissist’s Outrageous Projections

Narcissists are constantly projecting their unconscious psychological venom on to others, especially spouses, children, siblings and other family members. Inside the privacy of the home, those who revere the image that the narcissist presents in the outside world have no inkling just how ugly the narcissist’s personality can be. For those he/she is impressing to obtain narcissistic supplies, this person becomes a source of adulation and veneration.

For those who live with him behind closed doors, the narcissist is a living nightmare. He is constantly demanding, spoiled, insisting on perfection from others. When you do something perfectly he/she finds a flaw and starts picking away at you. When narcissist’s don’t get from you what they say they want, they are inclined to scream like two year olds with greatly enhanced volume. They are relentless insisting that they are right, you are wrong and that there is something psychologically and mentally askew with you. You need professional help. The reverse is true—this individual has a severe personality disorder that is not going to change.

If you are staying with the narcissist while you are making a decision about your future, learn how to detach yourself emotionally from these individuals. Developing a meditation practice, yoga practice, learning how to still the mind, takes consistent discipline but it is well worth the effort. When we achieve a level of objectivity about the outrageous behaviors and verbal slings of the narcissist, we are able to distance ourselves from them . We recognize often in the moment that what is happening is that this person is unloading all of his rage and blame on to us. The discipline of learning to own what is ours psychologically ours and what belongs to someone else is invaluable in dealing with the corrosive, volcanic and unpredictable behavior of the narcissist. We see and hear a person who is not more than two years of age, screaming, squirming, red faced and throwing himself/herself about because they must have what the want now. If we can view this from a psychological distance, we grow stronger on every level. For some spouses it is necessary to sever the relationship because of its toxicity to them and their children. Learning how to detach and building a stronger solid sense of self and your own entitlement are key to dealing with this personality disorders. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: https://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Children of Narcissistic Parents-Moving Beyond Your Personal History

I receive some of the most painful and touching communications from children of a narcissistic mother or father. In some cases, these individuals were surrounded by narcissistic family members, including parents and several narcissistic siblings. I hear from adult scapegoated children who were grew up with golden child siblings. There life stories are emotionally wrenching. The cruelties perpetrated on them were chronic and unmerciful. While the narcissistic parent constantly made outrageous demands on the non-narcissistic child, she/he picked one or two other children in the family who were found to be superior, unblemished almost godlike. The scapegoated child was constantly humiliated and treated as an inferior person. Unrelenting cruelties and verbal and in some instances physical abuse were thrust upon these children.

In many cases the narcissist parent was an instigator in turning her budding narcissistic children against the victimized son or daughter whom she viewed as second rate and defective. All of the mother’s/father’s primitive aggressive projections were projected upon these targeted children. Many courageously learned to survive in creative ways. Some scapegoated children become hermits within their own home and play the role of being invisible. They are frequently left to their own devices, unprotected by the narcissistic parent, learn how to fend for themselves. Some of these children are already living on their own before the age of eighteen. I have known of children who have left theses homes of horror before legal age in order to be free from the constant taunting, cruel games, harsh criticisms and constant fear and anxiety.

The narcissist is never going to change regardless of your hopes, wishes, sacrifices, kindnesses. These are losing propositions when dealing with a narcissistic parents.

Those who free themselves from narcissistic parents build a life that is beyond their personal history. This is challenging, takes perseverance and unrelenting purpose and focus. You are not your narcissistic parent. You are a unique human being of great value. It is not your fault that your narcissistic parent has a severe personality disorder, is cruel and deceptive and has attempted continuously and purposely to disrupt, interrupt and devalue your life. Those who free themselves form narcissistic parents, find friends whom they can trust. Another route is to establish a practice of stillness in the form of meditation, gentle yoga or other modality. By consistently practicing these forms of stilling the mind, we communicate with the part of ourselves that cannot be touched or harmed by our early traumatic conditioning. These practices can fit into a spiritual belief used in a non-spiritual purpose to improve and steady our nervous systems, increase our focus and concentration. Many benefit from high quality psychotherapy.

Getting in touch with the innermost parts of yourself where you will find peace and acceptance is well worth the consistent practice that it takes. When we learn to separate and individuate out of our family of origin we have begun to see ourselves as we are, using our own lens, writing our own unique history. We are a work in progress throughout our lives. Each day we have a new opportunity to become more authentic, to activate our creative gifts, to fulfill our many potentials, to practice giving and receiving love and affection. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com