Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists’ False Smiles Give Them Away

The sooner you recognize a narcissist whether it is a prospective spouse or a member of your family the better. I have been noticing recently the facial expressions that narcissists often make. One in particular is the phony smile and the hollow laugh. The mouth turns up but it is forced.. The eyes don’t contain any feeling. With a genuine smile the entire face–eyes and mouth especially light up and create a dynamic sense of joy, of letting go, of aliveness and humor. The true smile engages us. We become at one with the person who is offering it to us. There is a deep communication that takes place when a wonderful person lays a special smile on us. We feel it deeply and it resonates inside of us for a long time.

The narcissist is a false self, incapable of being genuine. It makes sense that he/she is not able to express himself with a real smile.

Babies smile very early–even in the first weeks of their lives. Their eyes engage us and their tiny rose bud mouths spread beautifully to communicate their joy. This is a precious gift. I always feel so grateful when a baby chooses to smile at me. I feel that life is better in that moment and I treasure it.

Watch for the fake forced smile and the hollow laugh of the narcissist. They give themselves away every time. To learn about many other attributes of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Children of Narcissists Have a Right to Heal

So many adult children of narcissistic mothers and/or fathers hold on to their suffering—not on purpose but unconsciously because that has been their reality all of their lives. From the time they could barely walk and talk they were psychologically bruised and bloodied by the narcissistic parent. Every day there was a new accusation, a criticism that cut through to the bone, a smirk that said: “You are worthless; I wish you had never been born.” “Why can’t you be like your brilliant older sister who gets all A’s.” “You have an uneven nose and thin lips. We’ll have to take you to a plastic surgeon later on so you don’t embarrass the family.”

“Sometimes you smell; it disgusts me.” And on and on—an endless road of insults that wound the heart and shake the nerves. Yet you have survived this gulag of abuse. That is a great accomplishment and you have done it with you humanity intact.

Know that you have a right to heal—-completely. You can disengage yourself from all of the cruel, malicious blows of your narcissistic parent. You don’t have to carry these burdens any longer. Begin by recognizing that although you share the DNA of your narcissistic parent, you are a separate individual. You are entitled to develop all of your talents and gifts fully. You are entitled to feel a deep inner peace and a love for yourself. You are entitled to be healthy in body, mind and spirit. You have a separate life that is precious. You are entitled to resurrect your humor, the sing when you feel happy, to embrace others, to be spontaneous, to live fully in this moment. Some children of narcissistic parents benefit from psychotherapy.Do the research and make sure that your therapist is highly trained, devoted to her/his clients and very empathic. Make sure you don’t sense a money motive and especially check it out to rule out a narcissistic psychotherapist. They are out there, victimizing vulnerable clients. There are many healing pathways. Find the ones that work for you–gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, creative endeavors that put you in touch with the unlimited use of your imagination. Some form of exercise is very valuable in keeping your body strong, your nerves quiet and your mind clear. Become aware of the precious moment: the tiny sound of the hummingbird over your head–greeting you, the wind wafting through your nostrils, the full smile of a happy baby, the warm hug of a friend, the moon at night darting in and out of the clouds. the lake of stars above like a diamond tiara—-endless moments of beauty. You can and will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Step Out of Your Narcissistic Sister’s Shadow

In narcissistic families some children are more “equal” than others, even “superior.” Of course this is not true; it is a delusion, a tale of parental narcissistic psychopathology. When we are very young we are helpless and must do whatever we can to survive. Some kids play the game; some know how to be skilled actors; others hide and wither. If you have lived in the deep shadow of your sister’s pathological narcissism, you have weathered great emotional and psychological pain. Very likely one of your parents was a narcissist. In many instances it is the narcissistic mother who chooses her favorite child to carry the family banner of perfection. She has picked the one who will give her the most narcissistic supplies and bragging, bravado. She will wear the family coat of arms and be crowned as royalty. This child can do no wrong and is given no limits of behavior. As a result this golden sister does not develop a conscience or empathy or compassion. she may be sadistic and enjoy causing you emotional pain. She gets you in trouble with her lies. Mother believes her because they are psychologically fused with one another. This ghastly delusional arrangement can move all the way into adulthood.

At some point many of these victims of the narcissistic sister decide they are carrying too much pain. They can no longer endure it. They have tried everything to be accepted by their narcissistic mother and sister. But nothing ever works (and it never will–That’s how serious disturbed these individuals are. You have the insight and know that you will now sever this relationship with narcissistic mother and her twin the narcissistic sister. You will no longer be living in her shadow.

Many individuals in this situation move forward to separate from this pathological family origin with the help of excellent psychotherapy and other healing methods that include gentle yoga, meditation, finding supportive friends, using your creative gifts and watching them blossom in full light. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You are the Narcissist’s Possession

“Casting one’s lot with a narcissist means that your life no longer belongs to you. Your mental freedom and psychological space are invaded…The narcissist creates an unbroken fusion with his intimates, treating them like the intricately woven fabric of his own personality.”(Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

Narcissists are driven to have what they want and must have regardless of the people whom they ruthlessly push aside (even their small children) lie to, cheat, psychologically abuse, trick or cause psychological and physical harm. They are bulldozers, juggernauts, human tsunamis. You can’t win with a narcissistic spouse unless you fuse with them and allow them to eclipse your inner world of creativity and freedom and go along for all of the perks and material upsides of one who is rising in power and financial assets. Some spouses choose that direction. There is so much to gain by having the next lovely object—a special article of clothing, an irresistible piece of jewelry, a perfectly designed home, a grand trip, the prestige to be married to a man or woman who is sought after as a very special person in the world. This is so tempting to many spouses that they can’t say ‘No”. The deeper and closer the fusion with the narcissistic spouse the less capacity to individuate out as a separate person who is free to be genuine and to use their creative gifts and full potential.

Some spouses decide that they must sever this pathological relationship. Many of them do it for their children. They recognize the damage that staying with the narcissistic spouse is doing each day. They make the decision to divorce. This is a difficult process with a narcissist but they are up for the fight. They have confidence in themselves, have chosen an excellent, bright, fearless attorney who knows how narcissists operate. In the aftermath the spouse, now free from bondage, is free to renew his/her own life and the endless opportunities that it holds. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Play “I have Changed” Card

One of the repetitive themes that runs through the cycle of abuse with the narcissistic spouse is: “I have changed. I want you back. I am a different person now.” This works very well for many narcissists. They are such brilliant method actors that the abused spouse believes them. She has been waiting to hear these words for years. She wants to believe that this man has transformed himself. She still loves this husband who has abused her for years. She takes him back and soon discovers that he has returned to get something that he wants. In some cases it is a financial ruse. He knows that you have been very successful at your career or business and he has come to take you for every financial asset you have. Another reason is that he doesn’t want to go through a divorce because in the agreement he will lose too much of his monetary worth. He would much rather have a pretend marriage with you as the official spouse that leaves him lots of opportunities for his affairs. He needs the image of the perfect marriage and family. Beneath the surface he is still leading a secret life.

Narcissistic personalities do not change. This is a fixed characterlogical disorder. Narcissists believe they are perfect. Don’t let the narcissistic spouse back into your life. You don’t deserve this abuse and exploitation. Free yourself. You will find your own way. You will use your creative gifts. Your energy and emotional and psychological health will be restored. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mother’s Lack of Emotional Attachment

The first stage of growth in the attachment of the newborn to the mother. D.W. Winncott the great psychoanalyst calls this phase the mother’s “preoccupation” with her baby. This is an essential process in the baby’s secure attachment to mother. The “good enough mother” as he describes it , for this period of time is constantly thinking, feeling and acting through the days and night about her baby. The earliest weeks and months are critical to the babies’ physical, mental, and psychological development. There is a special relationship that develops between the two. The father is a vital part of this process. Cuddling, calming, speaking softly, caressing a crying baby, soothing a frightened child is all part of this period. The baby has left the dark safety of the womb and is now exposed to an unknown world filled with sounds, colors, forms, scents, touch—all of this is new to his world. Mother is the one through her attachment to the baby, creates a safe psychological bridge for living in the world.

Children raised by a narcissistic mother don’t have this experience. Mother is incapable of attaching to her baby. She may pretend convincingly to others but she has no real feeling. Narcissistic mothers believe they are great mothers and that they can do it all. They count the days when they can return from maternity leave and work during times when their baby needs them desperately.

Some women must work to keep their families together. There is no father. They are the ones who are raising the children, paying the bills and putting food on the table. This is another situation and these women deserve our praise.

The narcissistic mother ignores and neglects her child. Her main focus is on herself. She spends inordinate amount of time on how she looks which has to be “perfect.” Many of these mothers are highly materialistic. What they wear, their external image, their home surroundings–all add up to a perfect image. Narcissistic others are bored with their children. They make no psychological connection with them and discard them.

They pawn them off on baby sitters. Some of them have 24/7 help for their children because they are too busy to take care of them. Children raised in this way do not attach to the mother and have a difficult time attaching to another person. Fortunately, there are instances in which a grand parent or other family member who steps into the mothering role. This can make all the difference.

Some children raise themselves. Some brothers and sisters form their own families and take care of one another. Some children go their own way and survive despite all of the emotional pain and maternal deprivation. Adult children of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent psychotherapy and other healing modalities—gentle yoga, meditation, cardiovascular exercise. Remember, having a narcissistic mother is not your fault. You are a separate individual and deserve to lead your life in freedom and creativity. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers Divide and Conquer

Narcissistic mothers are one woman armies of human destruction. They are an elite team of ninja killers of the psyches of their children. One narcissistic mother does more psychological damage than you can imagine. I read and hear life stories every day about those who have survived the narcissistic battles of childhood. One of NM’s cruelest tactics is turning one child against the other. She will assure her son that he is the special one and then tell the older daughter that she has been chosen. After all, she is gorgeous, bright and talented. What’s not to worship. she pits one child against the other, starting when they are very young. Often she does have a favorite whom she ties to herself psychologically like an appendage. This child suffers horribly because he or she cannot separate out from mother, often for life. In other circumstances narcissistic mothers create day by day a budding narcissist who is her perfect reflection. These children have special privileges like the largest stake in her financial assets. The true golden child learns from mom to taunt and terrorize the other children. Between the two of them, it is a sinister game—a sadistic one.

In these families it is every child for himself. The brother or sister who is savvy and has the opportunity, escapes as early as possible. Some children find other adults whom they trust and help them to move, get jobs, training, go to college, etc.

As the years go by, hatred between the siblings grows and hardens. The narcissistic mother remains Ruler of the dissembling process. Some of her children who are prisoners and possessions, defend her no matter what she has done to them. They are lost souls and will never become individuals in their own right.

I have discovered many courageous and strong human beings who have survived their narcissistic mothers. I think and feel about them with tenderness and great respect. You are victorious! To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Learn Detachment from Narcissistic Spouse during Divorce

You have been married to a narcissist for three years, ten years, twenty years or more You have done everything to make it work. The harder you try the greater his reprisals and betrayals. You are weary, bordering on becoming chronically depressed and anxious over this non-relationship. After a last blow up and cruel projection by him, a false accusation that cuts through you—it is reckoning time. You have decided to contact a Divorce Lawyer and divorce your narcissistic spouse.

As you prepare by obtaining the finest attorney you can—highly knowledgeable in family law, savvy about human nature, intellectually tough but well contained and highly articulate, you will benefit by learning the art and skill of emotional detachment.

Begin by knowing that most of what this person says to you is a projection coming from his unconscious. It is evidence of his self hatred. This is ejected on to you. Learn not to take it in by practicing ways to stay in the part of the nervous system that is calming. While he is running about in fight or flight, jarring your nervous system and scrambling your mind, you can practice each day how to stay centered. This is a definite skill and you will become accomplished. There are many avenues to this goal. One is meditation. Make this simple. Take a few minutes each day to sit in quiet where you will not be interrupted. Take several breaths through the nose. Inhale for a few seconds (do what is comfortable to you) hold briefly at the top of the breath, then exhale through the nose. The exhalation is calming so make it a little longer. Do any type of exercise that works for you. Be as consistent as you can. This quiets the nervous system. Then observe your breath as it naturally moves in at the tip of the nostrils and out. If calming music helps you with this process, listen as you meditate. Take a few minutes each day to write down your thoughts and feelings as they spontaneously flow. Writing is a mysterious process–let it go and become itself without any editing on your part. This process is both creative and helps you to distance yourself from the narcissist. Do not engage him unless you have to. Keep interchanges neutral as much as you can. For support go to a couple of friends whom you trust and care about you.

Do not share any of your plans with this person. He will use them against you. This provides greater psychological distance from the narcissistic spouse. If he goes into his screaming act, picture a two year old in tantrum mode who isn’t getting exactly what he wants. Metaphorically—leave him on the floor having one of his fits of rage. You disown this behavior. It is not about you. Be patient and loving with yourself.

I hear good news from the divorce front from women and men who have learned to detach, divorce and free themselves up to lead their own lives. Wishing you all the best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Father-Running Off with Daughter’s Girlfriend

Narcissists have no limits–moral, ethical, legal—They are indecent human beings on many levels. If you have a narcissistic parent you know how outrageous they will be. They have no shame. I have known of a number of instances in which the narcissist’s daughter had a close friend who was like part of the family. The young adult daughter of the narcissist was shocked to find out that her father was making passes at her best friend. She kept telling herself this couldn’t be happening. She idealized her father and thought of her mother as weak, an appendage of her father. She was unable to stand up for herself. When college time came father and mother divorced. Dad soon began dating, often seeing a couple of women in one evening. Alice (let’s call her) was shocked by her dad’s behavior. He was acting like a teenager. In walks Alice’s childhood friend, Gina for a college break. Alice feels the sparks fly and the chemistry stir between this man she calls dad and her best friend. Alice notices that Gina is becoming secretive with her. On a particular evening she discovers her father upstairs with her friend Gina in a compromising scene in the master bedroom. Alice is stunned. She can’t believe it. Her father announces that he and Gina love one another, have for some time and are planning to get married in the very near future. That is exactly what happens. Alice can barely tolerate getting through the ceremonies. She is humiliated and feels deeply betrayed. She has lost her father and best friend. This man she has known as an absentee workaholic dad is the husband of a young woman who is thirty years younger than his daughter. To make matters more painful, Gina was pregnant before the wedding and will soon deliver a half brother or sister to Alice. She is devastated. Alice gets a lot of benefit from excellent psychotherapy. She recognizes that her father is a narcissist who was never capable of loving anyone, who doesn’t have any psychological boundaries, who goes after what he wants, no matter whom it hurts, including his own daughter.

Alice severs her non-relationship with this man she called dad and her previous friend and current wife.

Working very hard with skilled psychotherapy and the support of close friends, Alice heals, moves through her grief of never having a real dad and is able to put her own life together. This takes time, patience and courage. She renews her relationship with her mother and forgives her for not being strong enough to stand up for herself. Alice is renewing her life on her own terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Abandon Their Families and Re-Invent Themselves

Narcissistic men (and women) cannot be parents. These men are too obsessed with themselves and their images.They act out with women, having multiple affairs, and children from these unions. They have no shame from their reprehensible behaviors. If they have power in the world as high level executives, A- list entertainers–movie stars, etc or members of the social elite, they get away it. These days , living in a narcissistic society, most people simply shrug about these matters. It is so pervasive. Others think that it is perfectly fine that this narcissistic man has put shame on his wife and especially his children. He is their father in name only. Psychologically, he has a severe personality disorder that is never going to change. Their is no motivation since he believes that he is perfect and everyone else falls into place on his side. In this current narcissistic social climate, highly placed individuals can get away with just about anything.

After causing all of this trauma and distress to his ex-wife and children, he moves on to re-invent himself and burnish his image. It is reprehensible that a famous narcissist with an endless group of followers and adorers is given “kudos” to move on with his life despite the horrendous psychological damage he has done.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so that you don’t become involved with one in a partnership or marriage. The narcissistic style —-“It’s all about me!” –is becoming more normalized every day. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com