Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply - The Narcissist In Your Life

Healing from the Narcissistic Mother

I hear from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers. Their psychological pain is particularly poignant. As children they feel inadequate and confused, returning many times to mother for the love and contact she is incapable of giving. They don’t understand that a narcissistic mother lives for herself alone. Even as very small children mother is emotionally distanced. I have communicated with many children of narcissistic mothers who remember that mother was always unavailable—night and day. She was a very “busy” woman. Some of these children were raised by nannies or put in day care when they were tiny infants. Mother couldn’t wait to take them off of her hands. With friends mother bragged about her wonderful children. In family pictures and during holidays there were public displays of the “happy family”, the “loving mother” and her beautiful children. This is the image that mother insisted on presenting to her friends and the world. Image replaces reality for the narcissist.

Within the walls of their home, mother treated these children with coldness, dismissiveness, constant criticisms. Often she would fly into volcanic rage over the smallest issue. If mother got stirred up she projected her venom on to her children. Narcissistic mothers often pit one child against the other. These enmities between siblings can last a lifetime. If the narcissistic mother chooses a favorite child who is a psychological twin, the rest of the children are treated as inferior and worthless. The narcissistic mother colludes with the golden child, providing him/her with every educational opportunity. He/she is the recipient of all the praise, entitlement and raised to a position of prominence in the family. I have heard of homes that were filled with trophies or certificates earned by the golden child throughout the years. His/her siblings were required to look up to this chosen child and to obey them. These situations can turn very ugly. The chosen child can inflict severe psychological damage on his siblings. They are often threatened and intimidated and treated with severe humiliation.

Healing begins with the recognition that your mother was/is a narcissist. This is not your fault; you are a victim of narcissistic abuse. You cannot change this mother. Her personality structure is fixed and rigid. You can change you understanding and perception of her and yourself. Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you were strong enough to survive maternal narcissistic abuse. That is an incredible achievement. Be patient with yourself. You will heal. Give yourself the space and time to do this. You will find others who have suffered this mother wound. Some find comfort and understanding in support groups or find close friends who share similar backgrounds. In some cases psychotherapy is helpful in dealing with these issues. Be sure that the therapist has a deep understanding of the narcissistic personality disorder. Practice calming the mind and body through gentle yoga with emphasis on calming breath, various forms of meditation including guided meditation and other healing modalities. Know that you will reclaim your life. There is a powerful force inside of you that has been waiting all of this time to reclaim your individuality and the inner peace that you deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Staying Married to a Sociopathic Narcissist for the Lifestyle-Not Good for Anyone II

Sociopathic narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder but are further along the spectrum to being sociopaths. They are self absorbed, highly manipulative, chronic liars, lead double and triple lives and have absolutely no empathy (They fake it very well.) Women are drawn to them and often find them irresistible. These men (and there are female sociopathic narcissists) are so clever that they have fooled many psychotherapists. Sociopathic narcissists are often obsessed with wealth–obtaining it, removing it from others and growing it to increase their power in the world. Many of those who today are standouts in our societal and political system are sociopathic narcissists. They know how to play every angle and loophole of the law, surrounded by a cadre of clever lawyers who know exactly how to play the legal system. They spend hundreds of thousands of dollar each year to make sure that they can sue whoever is getting in their way.

Women who marry these pathological individuals often do so without realizing it. That’s how charming and convincing they are. Sociopathic narcissists are consummate actors and facilely move from one part to the next. They can be philanthropic if it suits their image and will provide them with essential narcissistic supplies of praise and adulation.

In the home they are tyrants. Some women make the deal with the devil and stay married to them because they are leading a life on the surface that is filled with the excitement of living at the top tier of the social ladder. It is very tempting to have a public image that is admired, to be friends with the movers and shakers, to know that you are beyond financially secure and that your investments, trusts and portfolio will expand and bulge.

From a psychological perspective, this picture is not so lovely. Those who marry sociopathic narcissists will eventually experience the sharp, ugly, treacherous side of this personality. Once the bright sparkle has come off of the marriage, the sociopathic narcissist reveals his fangs and they are sharp and ready to tear without mercy. When this spouse is no longer intrigued with you and you cannot supply him any longer, you become the enemy is despises and intends to vanquish. Spouses on the receiving end speak of endless tirades, dreadful humiliations, demands for perfection and even apologies (for what–being human) Some women decide that they must stay in the marriage to protect the children and the family. They don’t realize the severe psychological damage this causes their children. A child would rather have one loving parent in reduced material circumstances than be trapped in a family from hell with a sociopathic narcissist. I have heard too many stories on this theme and know that children choose love, protection and caring over anything material.

If you are in the process about considering a divorce from a sociopathic narcissist, take time to research your plan of action. Interview attorneys, Ask the hard questions that will indicate if they are qualified to work for you and get the best result for you and your children. Tune in carefully and ask questions that will reveal if the lawyer you have chosen understands how sociopathic narcissists operate. Make sure your attorney has the knowledge, understanding of the dark edge of human nature and the courage to represent you. It is worth interviewing several attorneys. I know of so many women who were so stressed that they didn’t take this time and settled for someone who took their money and didn’t represent them and the interests of their children.

When you are free from living in the psychological prison of the sociopathic narcissist, you will be surprised at the changes in your thought patterns, sleep patterns, the calming of your nervous systems, the blooming of your creativity and most important—how your children are now able to live each day free from the moment to moment constraints and anxieties that their narcissistic father/mother placed on them constantly. Take credit for your courage and strength of will to travel this road to psychological and emotional freedom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Psychotherapists—Taking Advantage of Desperate Individuals

When you are having a major anxiety attack, can barely move around because you are very depressed, are having obsessive thoughts day and night—–you are feeling desperate. Every moment is torture. Many of these individuals who are suffering need highly skilled psychotherapy. You are recommended to a therapist by your physician or referred by a friend or have researched psychotherapists in your area. You must get relief; your symptoms are increasing. It is difficult to think clearly. Many individuals who are suffering from severe psychological symptoms go to recommended psychotherapists. Many of these professionals are excellent in their clinical training qualifications, have high ethical standards and are very empathic. They are the fortunate ones. I have had too many contacts with people who have suffered horribly, went to a therapist who was not only incompetent but a narcissistic personality. These are psychotherapists in name, degree and license only. The more desperate you are, the more intrigued they become, especially if you have a generous insurance policy or the money to pay them. Even high level referrals can result in getting a narcissistic therapist. I have seen this happen a number of times.

There is no therapy occurring when you go to a narcissist. These individuals are in the therapy business for money motives, the narcissistic supplies that come with their degrees and clinical training and their area of specialty. It is very important that clients who are desperate have someone whom they can trust to make sure that the psychotherapist recommended will be of high quality professionally and personally. Others can benefit from learning many of the cues that you can detect when you meet a narcissist. First, don’t be swayed by the education, credentials or clinical experience of the therapist. This can hold weight certainly. Learning how to identify a narcissistic personality is essential. Is this person self absorbed? Does he or she make a lot of references to himself during the session? Is the therapist making good eye contact and is there a feeling of empathy in the verbal and nonverbal communication from this person to you. Do you feel comfortable and secure in the therapist’s presence? Is he listening intently? Do you feel secure and supported in his presence? Is there a noticeable focus on payment? Is the therapist charging exorbitant fees for services? Do you feel free to express yourself and all of your feelings or do you sense judgmental thinking. When tuning into your intuition, do you have a sense that the therapist is encouraging an inordinate emotional dependence on him.Is the therapist increasing the number of sessions per week without giving an explanation.

Narcissistic psychotherapists are smooth operators. They even fool other therapists they are so slick. Non productive “therapy” can go on for years. The only thing that has been accomplished is the increase of the narcissistic therapist’s bank account, stock portfolio and other material possessions. You are a means to an end, not a client who deserves respect, empathy and the highest quality of psychotherapy. Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder. Always trust your intuition. You hold the truth–trust it. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don’t Make Yourself Sick over a Narcissistic Spouse

Narcissists cause stress, emotional pain and in some cases, physical illness to their spouses. They have been berated, verbally abused, humiliated and constantly criticized for many years. Every time the abused spouse is attacked by the narcissist, the stress hormones become activated and the fight or flight syndrome goes into gear.

“Can I survive another moment of this. He’s (She’s) grinding me down into a pulp. I’m confused, exhausted.; I can’t think straight. What has happened to me?” Those are the questions victims of the narcissist ask themselves incessantly. But the problem with so many of these spouses is that they keep holding on to the narcissist. There are so many reasons for staying in harness on this wild ride into delusion. There’s the lifestyle for some which they are accustomed to. It is very difficult for many people to face the fact that they will be living in reduced financial circumstances when the marriage is legally dissolved. Others are distressed by a complete change in their social milieu and what some call status. There are those who still believe that, despite the fact and evidence that the narcissist has harmed and diminished their lives in a variety of ways, they must keep the family together, make all the sacrifices. And then, there is the emotional pain of the loss of the dream of the marriage to this partner and all the what-ifs and could-have-beens.

Some non-narcissistic spouses are so determined to stay married to an abusive narcissistic partner, that they hold enough stress within their bodies to become physically sick. There are a variety of symptoms and conditions: high blood pressure, IBS, chronic allergies, chronic bronchitis, frequent bouts of physical exhaustion, ulcers, colitis and many other ailments. For some, this is a wake up call. The spouse realizes that she/he can no longer sacrifice her life to the narcissist to the point of becoming physically ill. For those who decide to end the marriage at this point, there is a rode to psychological, emotional and the building up of one’s physical health and stamina. Some people report that they feel the relief, the renewed energy of re-starting their lives. They have left the burdensome past behind and are now lighter, freer, more creative and healthier on every level. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists have double standards

Narcissists have “standards” for themselves and different one’s for others, especially those who are not within their privileged inner circle. The narcissist experiences himself as perfect regardless of all of his/her shortcomings, malicious acts, chronic lies, hurtful manipulations and belittling of those who are in disfavor.
This often includes their family members: spouses,children, siblings and those whom they view as rivals they are plotting to defeat. If the narcissist becomes fixated on you because he knows in advance what you can do to enhance his image or fatten his pocketbook and stock portfolio, for a while you are the answer to his dreams and desires. Once he has deluded you and gotten what he has wanted, you are discarded in exchange for someone else whom he fancies will fulfill another grand delusion. If you area married to a narcissist you know how it works with them. They are always right, perfect, without mistake and you are always wrong (even when you are incredibly competent).

When you are a child growing up in a narcissistic household you must do what is necessary to survive.When you are grown and begin to recognize the narcissist as a severe personality disorder, you will recognize with research and your own observations that these individuals are incapable of any real relationships. Narcissists always live by double standards. If you are living with one of these disturbed individuals it becomes necessary in many instances to sever your contact with them. After going through this process which is often difficult and takes a lot of perseverance, you find yourself in charge of your own life, enjoying the freedom of your personal thoughts and feelings and an upsurge in your unique creativity and your pathway to inner peace and personal growth. Visit my website www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Detoxification and Self Renewal from the Narcissistic Mother

In this post I am speaking about the psychological and emotional detoxification and self renewal from the narcissistic mother. The first step is the recognition and awakening by the child that this individual is a narcissistic personality disorder who will not change. This realization often occurs in adulthood and is a difficult realization. The child cannot believe that his/her mother can be so cruel and cold and dismissive of someone so close to her biologically. In the next stage the child of the narcissistic mother goes through a process of releasing and cleansing many emotions—loss, anger, rage, regret, guilt and many others–as part of the process of healing. In the last phase the child separates and individuates from the parent and is-identifies from this person. In this phase there is a re-discovery of your unique identity, creativity, energy, stamina, intellectual curiosity. Engaging yourself with the world of Nature if one of the great pathways to healing. Practices such as gentle yoga, guided meditation, meditation, the support of close friends will allow to steady your mind and to develop a sense of deep inner peace. Here’s to your full recovery. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Have Sadistic Relationships

Being sadistic is deriving pleasure from cruelty. It is difficult for many people to understand how this is possible.
There are narcissistic personalities who not only must always win, weaken the most vulnerable, cause psychological and emotional pain in order to win and vanquish another human being. Then there is that treacherous narcissist who is sadistic and gets pleasure from inflicting emotional and psychological pain, especially upon those close to him/her: spouses, children, siblings, in-laws. Narcissists often choose spouses who are psychologically compliant, dependent, fragile and frightened to live an independent life. They are swept up in the narcissist’s elaborate persona, grandiose visions and the dream of sharing their lives with an individual who is highly successful, confident to the max, has smooth social skills and tells them they are the most important person to them on the face of the earth. Early into many marriages to narcissists, the mask begins to slip and the non-narcissistic partner is subjected to his/her partner’s volcanic rage, outrageous demands, demeaning humiliations. The non-narcissistic partner believes that it is her/his fault that the narcissistic partner has suddenly changed. They don’t that the first personality was a well rehearsed seamless act. As the relationship goes further down this dark road, the narcissist not only causes psychological and emotional harm (and in some cases physical injury) to his partner, but experiences pleasure and enjoyment in watching this person suffer horribly. These sadistic behaviors become chronic and threaten the psychological health of the partner. Some non-narcissistic spouses remain victims of these treacheries for the rest of their lives. They pay a very high price to remain at the side of the narcissist. Narcissists understand cruelty. For many, it is their middle name. This is the way they control others by beating them down, keeping them on edge, threatening to leave them without any financial resources and where there are children involved, promising that they will remove them from the household, wrenching them away from the injured spouse.

With narcissistic siblings there is a great deal of pain. From childhood through adulthood, these individuals continue to perpetrate acts of cruelty upon their brothers and sisters. They must always win regardless of the harm they cause to members of their own family. Being in the presence of a narcissistic sibling is painful if not intolerable.

There are adult narcissistic parents who continue to perpetrate sadistic acts upon their children, especially those who are highly sensitive and vulnerable.

Once you recognize that you are in a familial relationship or marriage with a sadistic narcissist, it is your decision whether to continue to meet and communicate with this person, limit your association or sever it completely. Know that the narcissist is never going to change—this is a fixed pathological disorder that is highly fixed. Learn to protect yourself from these sadistic relationships. First learn to recognize these individuals quickly by studying the narcissistic personality disorder in depth. Severing your relationship from the narcissist is the best course in most cases. Those who take this step are free to lead their own lives and become fully separated and individuated with the use of their creative gifts, talents and the inner peace that they deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Free from Your Narcissistic Mother-True to Yourself

Good mothers allow their children to be themselves—to be authentic and real. They are not threatened by a child who does not agree with the parent’s every thought and opinion. Narcissistic mothers vary in their styles—not in their natures and basic characters. They are solely obsessed with their perfect image, getting all of their needs and desires met, being the center of attention and controlling others. These traits are the opposite of being a good mother. When you are the small child of a narcissistic mother, you have to go along with the demands placed on you in order to survive. Despite a child’s age, he or she is often able to detect that there is something fundamentally wrong with mother. She is demanding, cold, distant, manipulative and unwilling to allow her children to be genuine and free to express their true selves. Small children in these situations are virtual prisoners in their own homes.

As children of narcissistic mothers grow and become aware that they are being treated with cruelty and dismissiveness, recognize that this environment is psychologically unhealthy. They find outlets of study, good friends whom they can trust and spend time away from the home which has become a lock down prison.

As adults some daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers repeat the patterns of childhood by marrying narcissistic spouses. This is most unfortunate but does occur quite often. Those who have been able to preserve enough mental, emotional and psychological independence are capable of thinking for themselves. They clearly recognize that they can no longer blame themselves for being the child of a narcissistic mother. These children follow their powers of observation, the pain of their maternal experiences and the need to know the truth about themselves and their disturbed parent. Many of them come to the conclusion that there is nothing they can do to change the narcissistic mother. This is clinically the case.

Some children have sufficient psychological and emotional stamina and will to separate and distance themselves from the narcissistic mother. They find other adults who are protective of them and respect and honor their authenticity. These are often adult family members who protect the child from the corrosive effects of narcissism. Many children grow up and finally recognize that they were never allowed to be their true selves, that they were manipulated and treated cruelly as a result of their psychologically disturbed parent and that this is not their doing or their fault. Some seek quality psychotherapy and heal the narcissistic mother wound. They now stand on the strength and grounding of their authenticity. They have come full circle—free from the obstructive oppression of the narcissistic mother and now true to themselves. This is a great victory that deserves our respect and understanding. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Men are Fickle and Duplicitous with Women

High level narcissists are expert jugglers of the women in their lives. Like the great acrobats at the cirque d’ soleil they are capable of juggling from one relationship to another without creating a stir or a suspicion. Many of them are married several times. That doesn’t satisfy them. They have girlfriends on the side and one night stands for the thrill, brief affairs. It’s a wonder they can remember the names of the women they entertain and bed. The pursuit of the woman or women who give them a sexual rush is the thrill that they are seeking. They are entranced for a while, then move on. In some cases a special woman will come into their lives whom the narcissist views as a source of ultimate narcissistic supply. She is wealthy, has high level business and social connections, very attractive if not downright gorgeous and has come to adore the narcissist. This is a winning combination for him. It often propel him into a second, third or fourth marriage especially if this beauty is a lot younger than he. The stage is perfectly set to create another family that will create an image of the narcissist as vital, virile and youthful. Many of these men have children from previous marriages that are older than the current new wife. Narcissists are shameless. They luxuriate in the pleasures of younger flesh and a new adoring woman who will worship at their throne. The children produced are a great source of narcissistic supply, providing the narcissist with a deluded sense that he will live forever.

Today’s society reinforces these behaviors if the narcissist is a prominent figure. The media is thrilled to photograph the new chosen woman. Media is all about image as is the narcissist. They are happy partners with one another.

Protect yourself from becoming charmed by the narcissist to the point that you are enthralled enough to give your life to him. It is worth studying this pathological personality disorder in detail. These insensitive, infantile, fickle character disorders are growing within a current society that has become more shallow, materialistic, self absorbed and unempathic. You deserve so much better–a man who is genuine, has insight and compassion and is capable of real love and devotion. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Stepmothers-Ultimate Nightmare for their Step Children

There are tales of wicked stepmothers going back hundreds of years. Ancient fairy tales tell the truth of their nature. There are step mothers who are wonderful parents to their step children. I am talking about those who are narcissists.

Narcissistic step mothers cause emotional chaos and psychological distress within the family. When they have children with their new spouse, they often cut off the original family, the children of their spouse’s first family. Narcissistic step mothers are cunning and clever, appearing to be considerate and cooperative with the new family constellation. But they have the upper hand over their spouse. The narcissistic wife slows turns turns very ugly. She has hatched a plan to rule over all of the children and to ultimately control her husband. She caters to this man to making sure that she is indispensable to him, that he cannot make decisions without her. Eventually, these husbands capitulate their control and decision making. They go along with their wife’s wishes on the children of the second marriage. When the husband is highly successful, the second or third wife becomes obsessed with the heady lifestyle, controlling money properties and all assets. The narcissistic stepmother is exceedingly greedy. She favors and give her biological children with her spouse every material advantage. The children of the first marriage have to fend for themselves without the aid of their parent. The narcissistic step mother has won the battle. She is now in charge of everyone.

Don’t wait for the narcissistic stepmother to change. This is a pathologically fixed personality disorder. Study these individuals intently. It is vital that you protect and separate yourself from them. Work changing yourself. Respect your strengths, creativity, the blooming of your potential and every aspect of your unique personality. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com