Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists are cleverly manipulative people. They fool almost everyone. They are constantly shifting and changing. When they want something from you, they know exactly how to get it. They are so convincing and persuasive, telling you how special you are, knowing exactly what you want, giving trips and gifts, even offers of marriage.

Narcissists put us through what I call a spin cycle. As the washing machine is finished with its last rinse, the motor revs up, increases velocity and begins to spin. This occurs you feel emotionally vulnerable, physically worn down, the narcissist goes on the attack. Narcissists are high maintenance individuals. They must be the center of attention; they are demeaning and demanding. With their elaborate persona people think they areer wonderful. In private there is always a rage factor with a narcissist, criticisms, humiliations and hyper-perfectionism. Narcissists are control freaks. Th chronically lie in imaginative ways. They lie to your face, eyes unblinking.

In making decision about forming a close relationship with a partner, ask yourself these questions:
1. Is this person emotionally draining most of the time
2. Is this individual capable of listening or is he too in love with the sound of his voice
3. Does he or she has access to his genuine feelings
4. When I’m suffering or in pain, will he stop and be empathic in word and/or behavior
5.Does he or she give me the respect and space to use my creativity, intellectual pursuits, spiritual practice and socialize with close friends.
6. Is this person a source of stability and steadiness in my life.

True partners share themselves openly and are supportive and helpful, especially when we need them.

The bottom line is empathy, compassion, a delightful sense of humor and someone who keeps your best interests at heart. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

There are innumerable forms of torture. When we think of torture our imaginations create mental pictures of extreme, prolonged physical abuse–flogging, beating, stoning, whipping, sleep deprivation. In recent studies of adult victims of torture the results show: “Degrading treatment and psychological manipulation cause as much emotional suffering and long-term mental damage as physical torture.”

Many spouses of narcissists experience psychological, mental and emotional abuse that can be described as torture. These inhumane forms of treatment are unrelenting and long lasting. Constant barrages of volcanic rage, sadistic criticisms and humiliations can break the spouse down, creating a person who feels helpless and hopeless. Some of these individuals don’t know how they will survive through another moment and others feel the pull to give up completely. The victim of narcissistic torture is a prisoner even if he or she lives in a mansion and leads a heady lifestyle. It is in the privacy of the inner walls of home and mind that the constant assaults on the self take place. Friends, relatives and acquaintances often believe that this is a perfect couple. They have everything and are high achievers. The external image is stunning in its perfection. Beneath this surface is pure hellish terror that lives inside the abused spouse. Never underestimate the lengths a narcissist will go to undermine and attempt to destroy a marital partner.

I have been in communication with spouses who were psychologically tortured for years and finally escaped their captor. The first step is recognizing the severity of what is being done to you, knowing that you absolutely do not deserve this treatment and that you can and will find ways to escape the narcissist and re-capture and reclaim your life. Good psychotherapy provides the opportunity for a strong steady therapeutic alliance that is an essential zone of safety for the client. There are support groups that help victims to recognize that they are not alone and have different life options. Work on building your spiritual foundation through a regular practice. This can take the form of meditation, prayer, gentle yoga. Your intuition is a life companion. Call upon this great gift often and it will strengthen and steady your entire life. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Exploitation is the narcissist’s middle name. They are always using others, especially spouses, ex-spouses, children and other family members to get their needs met not yours. Narcissists don’t care,are not interested and are closed off to your needs. They are over-entitled and have no hesitation about making demands from you constantly. This puts their spouses and children in continual emergency red button mode. Every moment is a fire drill. We become emotionally depleted and in some cases physically ill. Take care of yourself . Set boundaries with the narcissist and be consistent. He or she will step over these lines, cajole you into letting them have their way, intimidate and humiliate you. Don’t give in. Keep your emotional, psychological and physical distance(if possible) from the narcissist. Being in their presence is poisoning to you emotionally and psychologically. If you must be in touch with them, learn to detach from them by not over-reacting to their lies and the dramas that follow if they don’t get what they want. Let them put up a fuss like a baby in a high chair throwing his peas all over the floor. Don’t let their tantrums and threats overrun you. Stay steady through a practice of stillness, relaxation techniques, gentle yoga and meditation.

I have seen narcissists repeat their exploitive schemes. They are counting on wearing you down, getting you off center, making you lose your temper, on giving in. You can outlast the narcissist by remaining centered and grounded in your own values and destiny and having a support system. You have a separate life to which you are entitled. Give them no ground, no screams or snarling, no smirk and when appropriate no contact. Their goal is to engage and enrage and get you to lose control of yourself ; this spells weakness to them and the right time to pounce. You can continue to develop mastery over yourself. Work at your physical, mental and psychological health each day—it is a priority especially in counterbalancing the narcissist’s repeated exploitive attempts.

Give yourself credit for how you are handling this very difficult and at times impossible person. Take refuge within yourself, among your friends, in the solitude and beauty of nature and through your spiritual practice in the way that you define it. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email:[email protected]

During the divorce process in particular it is important to stop any direct engagement or contact with the narcissistic spouse if at all possible. The more you make contact with this individual the greater your pain, anger, depression, regret and a whole host of feelings that are intolerable. If the soon to be ex is texting and calling and emailing you and gets one response out of the fifteen he or she had made, this tells the narcissist that it takes fifteen tries to get you activated. Individuals in communication with me speak of how difficult it is to go no contact. After weeks of sticking with this plan, they will call or email or text the narcissist. They feel regretful about this but say they could not control themselves. This is understandable especially when a breakup is very painful. Make every effort, especially if you are in the process of seeking a divorce to abide by the no contact behavior. You can communicate through your attorney. This way you remain out of the ugly drama and twisted lies and covert machinations of the narcissist’s psyche. You need to clear the mental and psychological decks inside of you, to focus on your next steps toward freedom and the strong growing edge within you that makes you unique, independent and open to the creative possibilities of your life. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

If we could have picked our parents we wouldn’t have chosen a narcissist as a mother or father. Narcissists cannot feel, care, have conscience or empathy for another human being, even a small child. They are capable of putting on a tremendous polished act but it is falls flat in the truth department. Some narcissistic parents choose a stand out child who is very attractive, bright, gifted in music, dance, art, etc. to be the chosen one in the family. The narcissistic mother or father will mold this son or daughter in his image. This child is treated differently from the others, is given great adulation, no limits on consideration to others and special treatment by the narcissistic parent. In other families the narcissistic parent treats all of the children in a dismissive manner. They are a bother to him/her. They are living puppets who are trotted out for company or who fill the family picture with forced smiling faces. I have known of a narcissistic parent who had a special wing built on his home for the children. Like a king at court they were tucked away in a separate abode and brought into his presence only when they could be used as narcissistic supplies to demonstrate to friends and others that he was a devoted father.

In some egregious cases, the narcissist fixates on battling over the children during the divorce process. He/she doesn’t give a damn about them and has never contributed to caring for them psychologically or emotionally but is caught up in the fight for ego purposes. This is one of the most painful experiences the non-narcissistic parent can experience for her children. I hear from spouses and ex-spouses who are going through this intolerable ordeal. It can be protracted; it is excruciating for the parent who truly loves the children.

We only need one good parent or parent substitute. Some individuals grow up all alone with only bare bones food and primitive shelter. No one pays any attention to them. They have never heard the voice of someone who loves them call their name. They have never felt safe and relaxed—even for one moment. They are scapegoats in the earliest years of grammar school and beyond. They live in a jungle of predatory human creatures.

A grandmother, aunt, a family friend can make all the difference in a child’s solid psychological foundation. If mother is the non-narcissistic parent, most of the burden is on her to provide a consistently loving, secure, predictable environment for her children. Some spouses are left financially vulnerable after the divorce. In some cases the narcissistic ex-husband makes life excruciating by insisting that he is a good father. Custody battles can be extended and this is very painful for the children and the responsible parent. In this crucial situation the non-narcissistic spouse does her best. She begins by keeping the welfare of her children upper most in her mind. Keeping her child’s best interests at heart, she will contact a lawyer who specializes in child custody who will be able to advocate for both of their needs and to help them receive the best possible outcome. In addition, it is essential that she has a strong sense of entitlement of her rights to live in an environment of peace and emotional well being. These courageous women and men are motivated by a strong unwavering love for their children. This is evident in the way they mother and father them each day. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

By the age of three a primitive conscience has begun to develop in the young child. The pathway this takes depends on the parents’ psychological attachment to the child, what the child is taught by example and through direct communication. At age eight or nine the conscience has developed considerably. The child can distinguish between right and wrong, possesses a sense of empathy for others or doesn’t.

Narcissists spend their lives lying in one form or another. Narcissistic children often emulate their narcissistic parent(s).Parents are models of behavior—good or bad, cruel or kind, truthful or untruthful. When a small child sees his parent tricking others and manipulating them through lies, it can become part of his psyche. The child watches his parent getting what he wants. Having it in your hand is the only thing that matters, not how you got it.

There are children of narcissists who observe from the time they are very young that what their mother or father was doing wrong. They have access deep within themselves—a moral compass, the ability to make fine discriminations between what is right, wrong, kind or cruel. I have been in communication with individuals who were in touch enough with themselves to understand that their parents were immoral, unethical and criminal.

When you marry a narcissist, conscience is not included in the package. Most spouses don’t recognize this vital part is missing in this person until they have been living with him/her for a while. Some partners make continual excuses for the the narcissist’s moral deficiencies.Narcissists lie every season of the year, night and day, to strangers, business associates, to friends, relatives, their children. Narcissists take lying to a new level, winding nimbly through the morass of lies they manufacture in split seconds. Narcissists tell a freshly manufactured story to different people within their circle. They create elaborate lies that work to maintain the relationship with a spouse whom they are choosing to keep for the moment. They may tell different lies to each of their children, depending on what they are expecting of them. If they favor one child above the rest, they pump this daughter or son with delusions of grandeur while demoralizing, demeaning and humiliating children who don’t make the cut from their perspective. They lie to wives, lies of omission about their mistresses and girlfriends. They lie to mistresses, telling them they will soon be signing the final divorce papers. Narcissists lie to business partners as they they make their power moves. They know precisely how to use the “right words” to damage the professional reputations of those whom they have called colleague for decades.

Some narcissists get caught in the thickets of this dark malevolence–too few, unfortunately. Most glide smoothly away, their “fine character” and professional capital neatly intact. This shows how gifted they are at the lying craft. The current narcissistic style, a valuable currency within today’s society assists them every time. This is especially the case if they are high level narcissists who are well connected to the power and economic sources within the culture.
Protect yourself from the narcissist’s lies and subterfuges. Study the narcissistic personality in detail, learning about all of tricks, games, ruses and acts in their vast personal armory. Take time to appreciate and understand who you are as a unique individual. This work can be done in a variety of ways: good psychotherapy, meditation practice, gentle yoga, restorative yoga, journaling thoughts, feelings, dreams, memories, fantasies, etc. Above all, be receptive to the voice of your intuition. It speaks the truth to you and tells you everything you need to know about others, especially those from whom you need psychological protection.

Intuition leads us to our creativity and to the calmness and peace of the spirit in the way that you define this for yourself. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Statistically there is a preponderance of male narcissists but the female ones are gaining ground. Narcissists cause a lot of pain on many levels all the time. As long as a narcissist is working his/her manipulations and deceits successfully, other people are hurting. This includes his spouses and children.

There is a special group of female narcissists who are highly predatory—always on the hunt. They check out their prey with the instincts of a lioness on the Serengeti. They play a variety of roles: sophisticated ladies, sirens in disguise, “I’m your best friend” types, indispensable servants, “call me anytime” gals, etc.

Men have a difficult time understanding how devious some women are, especially narcissistic divas. Too many times I have seen them through the lens of a tour d’force performance. Narcissistic woman selects the power professional–handsome, well educated, high income, socially polished, near the top. She maneuvers herself into meeting him. He finds her dazzling, gorgeous, attentive to him and filled with the right chemistry. Her detailed plan is unfolding. He is enraptured. She cleverly feigns her inability to resist him. The two are inseparable. In a few months she is pregnant. He is surprised but subject to his instincts and impulses. She wants marriage, money and lifestyle. He acquiesces. They marry. For a while it appears to be idyllic. Then the worm turns. The marriage begins to falter. (part of her plan) He was so taken with her, there is no prenup. After a while, lawyers are hired. She knows the cleverest ones since she has directed this movie before. She gets more than half of the money and possessions. Narcissistic divas use a living human being they call their child as collateral to ensure their financial security and the success of her enterprise.

Ultimately, if you suspect that your partner might be a narcissist then it is probably in your best interest to considering getting a prenuptial agreement prior to getting married. Signing a prenup can protect your assets in case you end up deciding to split, and this can make the divorce process much easier. To learn more about how to complete a prenup, try reaching out to a team of Los Angeles prenup attorneys or to a team of prenup experts in your area.

Protect yourself from these predatory female narcissists by studying the narcissistic personality in detail and depth. Become aware of your specific weaknesses and past painful experiences with these connivers. Let your intuition override your chemical and visual attraction. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The sociopathic narcissist appears in innumerable disguises. Since childhood they are been refining a persona that is magnetic, charming and irresistible to others. They study human nature, understand emotional vulnerabilities and know precisely whom and when to attract those individuals who will fulfill their wishes and desires. Early on this child learned directly from the parent, that life was all about winning in all of its forms–money, prestige, praise, fame, material acquisitions, competing and winning at the top tiers of power. There are parents who program their small children to become successful, compete and defeat others who are in their way and teach them to be ruthless and uncaring as long as they reach their goals. Children are taught to take a “no prisoners” attitude about other human beings. If someone cannot perform for you and get you directly to your goal, discard them. If they are in your way, make their life so miserable that they can no longer compete with you. If they persist, find cunning methods to destroy their reputations, financial security and emotional well being. These lessons are taught early and they resonate deeply in the child.

Some children of sociopathic narcissists have access to an inner part of themselves who intuitively knows that what the parent is demanding of them is wrong and inconsistent with their own nature. I have heard many stories of grown children who bucked the narcissistic parent and suffered the consequences. They were quickly discarded psychologically and cut permanently out of the family circle.

The spouse of the sociopathic narcissist is often complicit through her psychological weakness, her addiction to a certain lifestyle and her fear of being cast out of paradise. She is so distressed and feels incapable of leading an independent life, that she colludes with the sociopathic narcissist who controls the family.

Some children in these families become sociopathic narcissists like mom or dad. After all, this is the family tradition and heritage. They often learn to outdo the parent and become even more ruthless, unethical and conniving than their original teacher. Children in these families who do not follow the “winning at any cost” rules are left on their own without support of any kind. Mother or father won’t pay for their educations, demeans them constantly and undermine their individuality and creativity. The pain that these discarded children suffer is extreme. Many of them leave home early in their midteens to look for ways to survive. They are estranged from the siblings that went along with the narcissistic parent, These siblings despise the ones who were cast out and do everything they can to make their lives miserable. There is no opportunity for a “prodigal son or daughter” reunion with the narcissistic parent. The familial doors have been locked and the compound is sealed off.

Those who survive the sociopathic narcissistic parent have a long hard scrabble road ahead of them. I have communicated with these adult children. They endured many psychological and monetary harsh winters of striving to just get the bare necessities. For many, the wounds of childhood are still raw and painful. Others persevere through arduous work and schooling (every cent paid by them alone) to achieve their professional goals. As adults many of these individuals have difficulty finding partners who are supportive and empathic. Some fall in love with narcissists and sociopathic narcissists. They end up repeating the torments of childhood. This demonstrates the depth of pain the child of such parents experienced. They were never protected or cherished or felt special and valued. It is not surprising that they would find partners who would treat them with disrespect, cruelty and contempt.

Some of these adult children break the cycle of self harm and sever their relationship with the sociopathic narcissist. They redefine themselves, develop a sense of self entitlement and renew themselves as individuals who have moved beyond the pain of their family of origin and into a life that they deserve where there is hope, self initiative, inner peace and psychological and emotional freedom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

You and the narcissist may share the same time and space in a family, business or marriage but you are planets apart.The narcissist thrives in a world of delusion of his/her making. The narcissist’s visions of reality are grandiose, skewed to an absolute belief in his superiority. He holds ultimate power and control over others through manipulations, deceits and chronic lying. We may not recognize that the individual we are meeting is a narcissist, especially if he/she is masterful at playing his roles. If you do not react the way he perceives you will, he is very adept at switching to another character in his drama. All of this is a convincing act but fraudulent.

Narcissists don’t change; their personality structure is rigid and very unlikely to change..
Narcissists generally don’t benefit from psychotherapy because they are certain that the problem(s) originates and is being driven by others—spouses, children, siblings, business associates. The narcissist believes he is flawless; the difficulty is with others not him. If you cross the narcissist, at times he/she will relentlessly pursue you. They go to war in certain situations. It is particularly ugly in divorce proceedings, division of property and material possessions and custody decisions.

In extreme instances the narcissist decides that he/she can wreck you life on every level—personal and professional. Narcissists always know that they will win. They persuasively lie to everyone, including judges, therapists and lawyers. Their confidence overflows with hubris. Without a conscience they throw threats, intimidations, defamations of character where ever they might stick. They often get away with their outrageous and destructive behaviors. Many narcissists present themselves as victims and convince many people through the fine art of lying. They have been practicing perfidy since they were children.

Learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder. It is well worth doing your homework.
The earlier you identify a narcissist, the greater the edge you have in either avoiding this individual or giving yourself a head start on dealing with this person.
Trust and deepen your intuition—that quality that tells us the truth directly and accurately.
If you are dealing with a narcissist, learn to detach your feelings from their psychological bait.
Practice some form of quieting your body/mind—yoga, restorative yoga, meditation, tai chi, etc. This will provide you with powerful techniques for grounding yourself.
Always remember that the narcissist is projecting his/her venom and other contents of the unconscious most of the time. This is the narcissist’s noxious unconscious remnants. They do not belong to you.
Learn to detach from the narcissist’s histrionics. These individuals are waiting for you to overreact. Maintain your sense of emotional equilibrium so they will not have you as a target. Don’t share any of your deep feelings with the narcissist. He or she will use them to manipulate your vulnerabilities.
Appreciate your uniqueness and your entitlement to lead a life of inner peace, meaningful relationships with those who appreciate you and the expansion of your creativity.
Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

A narcissistic supply feeds the narcissist’s hungry ego. Narcissistic supplies come in many forms: praise, adulation, high social status, wealth, beauty, handsomeness, athletic prowess, celebrity. The narcissist chooses certain people to come into his/her life and act as ego boosting, narcissistic supplies. With this other individual at his side, he believes that his elaborate image will score even higher points in the world. The narcissists who succeed with money and power are highly prized by those in this present self-obsessed society. The media idolizes and reward narcissists as do large swaths of the business and professional world. If a narcissist is at a high enough level he or she can get away with almost anything.

The narcissist cannot have an authentic relationship with another human being. People to him are objects to be manipulated, seduced and exploited for their value to him. The narcissist perceived other individuals as part of him that will enhance and enrich his image and status in the world. Narcissists uses spouses, partners and their own children as supplies.

If you are picked by a narcissist to be his/her partner or spouse, it is vital to be aware that this person is incapable of having a genuine psychologically intimate relationship. Regardless of the persuasiveness of his act that gravitates you to him, the narcissist has no intention nor is he capable of sustaining a loving reciprocal relationship. He is a masterful actor and leads many to believe that he loves them deeply. But this is part of his elaborate act to maintain his control over you and to keep his ego supplies well stocked.

To protect yourself from the narcissist, learn about every detail of this personality disorder. If you have finally recognized that this individual is a narcissist and cannot truly love or appreciate who you are, distance yourself from this person. The best action is to sever this “relationship”, deal with your painful feelings of sadness, regret and broken hopes and to move forward with your life rather than remain a living accoutrement of his/hers. The work of ending these relationships may be helped with high quality psychotherapy as well as healing modalities: gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, the deep caring of a few close friends. You deserve to lead your life as an individual who respects and values herself and is treated in this manner. You are unique and valuable. Get in touch with those facets of yourself. Give yourself credit from the journey you have made from playing the role of narcissistic supply to leading your life fully and freely as a separate authentic human being. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]