Children who are victimized being raised by narcissistic mothers do not develop a healthy sense of self entitlement. They survive by feeling less than, even worthless and nonentities. It is very sad and at the same time exasperating to watch adults who grew up under family regimes of terror, fight or flight, incessant cruelties and humiliations and exploitation—still be unable to own what is theirs–A healthy entitled solid sense of self.
Narcissistic mothers are over-entitled and take your life over from the time you were born. You are treated like a servant who is responsible for providing mother with everything that she demands: absolute obedience, constant praise, adulation, even worship. If the child provides mother with everything that she requires, it is not sufficient for her. You still hear her voice, screaming ugly epithets at you, insulting and humiliating you, telling you how stupid and foolish you are—what a bad human being you have always been, that you were never wanted and a failure. In order to survive the young child must go along with mother’s projections and false beliefs.
There is a raw pit in the stomach of these children that gnaws away at them. They turn themselves upside down, inside out, trying to make mother love them to no avail. Some children never give up. They believe that if they try just a little bit harder, mother will come round and change and accept and love them. This is not the case since mother is a fixed, highly pathological narcissistic personality that will not change. These individuals are cruel, cold, selfish, highly controlling, exploitive and often vicious and sadistic.
For many children of narcissistic mothers there is a time of reckoning when the child, often grown is able to get access to the right information about the true nature of the narcissist. Then, the insight comes through and the victim now knows that this was never her or his fault, that this dreadful abuse occurred as a result of mother’s psychopathology.
After this deep knowing and realization happens, the process of healing and recovery can begin. It is at this time that some child victims become familiar with the intrinsic beauty of their true selves, that part of their deep core that recognizes, often for the first time that they are special, good, bright, talented, lovable and entitled to lead a very good life. There are others along the way who provide support–friends, spiritual figures, various books, teachers, mental health professionals, etc. who remind these precious human beings that they are worthy and can heal. This is the beginning of a new journey, an upward turn in life that promises hope and the fulfillment of the creative gifts of one’s true nature and the possibilities of reciprocal love and inner peace.
Hold on to this new vision of yourself that has been waiting all of your life to be revealed. Pay attention to your intuition and insights that are always leading you toward the direction of healing, transformation and truth. Know that there are so many others who are walking this pathway. You will find them and support one another on this life journey to which you are richly entitled.
I am, again, grateful to read such a profound description of what to expect. The irony of it all is the need to take optimal advice and pursue life with a healthy sense of freedom, but to forget one’s negative history is, as history boasts, “to repeat it”. Thereby, do we not fall into the trap of having to constantly recycle our past to avoid future narcissistic entrapments resulting from our poor training? This is why I support Christianity as a solution — to realize that we were designed and entitled to have “worth” — that our judgment and destination is not determined by our deceived and short-sighted parents, but rather by a Source who teaches the concepts of true love and values to sustain life — ours — as well as provide the means for us to rise above our afflictions.
Are people born narcissists?
It seems to me that our entire culture suffers from narcissistic conditioning, especially evident in our presidential candidates. We suffer from abuse not just from our mothers and other family members, but collectively, we have woven a tapestry of synthetic fiber that forms a hideous image of ruin and decay, one that represents oppression and stupidity.
For those whose eyes have been opened, we become determined to survive, and eventually, thrive. The narcissistic abuser never stops abusing. In order to survive we become alchemists, pulling ourselves from the synthetic threads once we realize we have been woven of precious fiber that has become tarnished from the toxicity of the rest.
Yes, there is surely a power within that is there to guide us home to our true identity and self worth. The years the locusts have eaten from our lives can be devastating. Some of us live in exigent poverty; learned helplessness became our survival mode. Our every day mantra becomes, “I build myself up.” We learn to bring ourselves up, and in doing so have the great revelation of the folly of Adam and Eve. We return to the fold when we are at last ready to start all over again. Then we realize that our mother, father, siblings, were trying all the while to be our God.
While support groups and therapy help us to untangle the mess, there’s nothing quite like opening to a biblical passage that puts a finger on the pulse of the incredible hypocrisy of the narcissist. That seems to me what all this is about. Onward…
Dr, Martinez-Lewi,
I am deeply moved by your blog/article above. Thank you for the deep insight. How can we get more counselors and therapists to understand this insidious, pervasive and painful epidemic?
“to realize that we were designed and entitled to have “worth” – that our judgment and destination is not determined by our deceived and short-sighted parents, but rather by a Source who teaches the concepts of true love and values to sustain life – ours- as well as provide the means for us to rise above our afflictions.”
Total agreement with this however this sentiment is not exclusive to any particular religion. I was raised with extreme covert brutality by self-identified “Christian” parents, forced to go to church so that we could show what a happy family we were, had friends who were incested by evangelical christian fathers….I could go on. Bottom line, as a friend’s mother always said, “There’s good and bad of every kind.”
May the divine universe continue to support you as you traverse your chosen path. Unfortunately, christianity does not offer a “solution” for some of us.
there is no doubt my mother has at the very least, strong narcissistic behavior patterns and has them much of her life. Relatives have validated much. Does she suffer from NPD? Who knows and does it really matter? I fortunately have come to the realization that I must protect myself and family from her. Thankfully, I have a wonderfully strong wife that is helping me wage the war. in short, mom is 77, attractive, bright, a licensed MFT that has never even had a client in 20+ years. Expert on all and fits much of the criteria of NPD. The biggest problem we have is that she has always spent way more than she has and is now bankrupt with a pittance of SS and pension. She has taken from friends and relatives for 30 years after her divorce.She cannot live with us, or my siblings, and there is not enough money for her to support herself, nor from us. She does have a long-term care policy….is there a way to have someone diagnosed and actually committed to a hospital? Sounds horrible, but we are done. I know she brings nothing but destruction. Otherwise it could be the streets for mom. Yep, I said it…..
I wonder if the “golden” child receives some of the pain described in Dr. Martinez-Lewi’s recent blog, or are they treated like a prince/princess? Regardless, damage occurs because an over-inflated sense of self is just as damaging as someone whose self has been shredded. The damage manifests in different ways.
Sally poses the question “are narcissists born that way?” I don’t believe that they, due to the myriad of personalities that can derive from the same family of origin. Our family are the first people who imprint on us and their influence is the greatest! People can overcome negative imprinting, if they push out early enough, not allow the stamp of disapproval or damage to penetrate further than it already has!
I believe (have read) that narcissistic behavior is on the rise! We live in a culture that values material wealth; beauty; sex; and youthfulness over most things!!!! People are valued (their worth is accessed) by what they look like, what they wear; where they live; and what they own, over intangible qualities like kindness; truthfulness; loyalty; hard working; generous; and a pleasant presence!
The antidote, I believe, is to surround yourself with people who possess the qualities/attributes that you desire and cultivate in yourself! To not allow those (who have no interest in staying) to remain in your heart or into your inner sanctum! To purposely WALL them out, so that they can find their own kind! LIMIT your interactions with them and lower your expectations! EXPECT nothing and you won’t be disappointed when they invest little to time into you! This is a strategy that I have recently (in the last couple years) implemented and it has worked thus far! I also feel FREE that I no longer desire ANYTHING from these types of people, other than them treating me with respect, during our short interactions!
Keep on shining and don’t let anyone DULL your most precious jewel ~ YOU!!!!
I enjoy reading your blog. I am so thankful to. God. To take me off that mind trip and all the glory is to him for making me see truth in dealing with this ugly presence that has someway tried to slip in our generation. I’m so thankful that I’ve recognize this spirit of long ago. We have to really see it for what it is and what it try’s to do in our familie today. We have to be watchful for what is pass down from generation to generation. And we must confront those that are not aware and stop the carriers. God and Christ. Always. Be filled with the spirit. Amen
This is very true for me. I grew up believing that I did not have the right to nice clothes, toiletries,,love, or safety.
Thank you for responding, Jo. Can we blame our existing laws based on those who abuse them? Almost daily, we hear about those who wish to ban guns because of someone pulling the trigger on an inanimate object, at an unlawful or dangerous time, creating tragedy — but they elect to blame the object, and not the source of action or intent.
I am truly sorry for your abusive parents. There is no question that there are many who are
Christian in name, only. I have posted about the psychological warfare I endured from my grandmother, who was a devout cult follower. It is written that we [will] “know them by their fruits”. I would hope you would blame their behavior, not the label they profess.
Christian theology is based on faith in Spiritual Creator, not a universe. Did the universe create humankind and all of the problematic character traits we’re having to address in this blog?
You are certainly on target about there being more theological perceptions than Christianity, but in all that you know, which one portrays the conflict of good of evil and the need to forgive as does Christianity?
A universe is inanimate — by definition, it’s a composite of time, material, and space — a creation, an existence, unable to possess the ability to create life, emotions, intelligence, retrospect, and certainly lacks the ability of acknowledgement and decision between good and evil, let alone, offer forgiveness of the latter.
Do you credit the concept of love to be a creation of “the universe”, or is love just “a random act of kindness”, attributed to some gene pool that has no emotion or long-term loyalty other than unto itself.
Regardless of whether or not you believe Christianity to be true or not, those of us living
within the United States have based our constitution and legal system under the belief that we, all, were created equal in the sense that all of us were born with Some Power’s intent, and that no person is to be regarded to have any more right to exist than another. That being the case, the narcissist can be regarded as anti-social, or in rebellion, in that the narcissist, by definition and nature, assumes a position of authority and entitlement over others.
As I’ve previously written, I’m not posting to get into any theological arguments. I am merely trying to help those who are suffering as victims of any controlling, manipulative, and/or evil behavior of self-glorified narcissists, that there exists the acknowledgement of 6,000 years of documented human history and testimony which deals with the conflict about which we’re writing. With your belief in the universe, I fail to comprehend to whom you obtain and attribute your accountability? Furthermore, I welcome knowing what author or authors you recommend who attest to the same influences in the course of human history and who offer better advice and perspective than I have recommended.
Dr. Martinez-Lewi and other professionals tell us to stay away from narcissists of any label, whether professional or personal (family), which corresponds to the writings within the perspective of Christianity. This remains my major point. Again, I’m deeply regretful that you had to suffer at the hands of imposters.
Hi Stan
I too am in the process of recovering from a narcissistic mother.
Just want to point out that I also walked the path of seeking God in my recovery. It is true God sees us as people of worth.
Sadly, my experience with a number of churches has been “almost like a second abusive home”, whereby I am only called for my resources and energy and ignored as a person. The church leaders are only interested in increasing membership, and existing members are asked to support in funds and join projects / activities. But no one is interested in me as a person or my challenges or if they know some even called me names behind my back, like “poor self esteem”. I don’t think they ever would be able understand the challenges of growing up in a dysfunctional family and the associated loss that comes with it. I had once naively thought I could give my all and find a “family”, “home” in my church. I now realize these are jargons the church leaders use only. I still believe in God. He is my real family and I will see Him in heaven. But I am extremely cautious about churches nowadays…
I think narcissistic behaviour is on the increase. Nowadays, the family is much smaller and some only have one child. The child is reared being the center of his own universe and he grows not realizing that others have needs and preferences too. This is the precursor to an entitled generation. I am not counting on them for my old age. (I speak in generalities and on trends. Pls don’t be offended if you fall within this profile)
Hi Jo
I had a narcissistic mother and was scrapgoated by her all along…
I became a Christian, but I also share your unhappy experience at church. I tried 2 churches. First one for 7 years, second one for 3 years. For all that is preached at the pulpit, the church is only interested in my money my time my contribution. But I think hell would break lose before any “Christians” really show concern to me as a person…God is good but these ppe are…
Anyway, I am still trying to learn to love myself and put myself as priority in my recovery journey. It is not natural since I am been taught to put my mother’s needs first and I tend to put others’ needs before me. But now I realize society has a lot more narcissistic people, and I now guard my time and resources carefully. That includes a few friends which I found to be exceedingly self centered, I learned to drop them as well.
My mother died recently ( 4 months ago), four days shy of my 50th birthday. The things that have transpired during this time are unreal. I got blamed for leaving my poor, sick and dying mother by herself. Never mind the fact that my mother had two daughters. My sister was telling this to anyone who would listen that I abandoned my mother. The part that is most mind boggling is that the same people she’s been telling this crap to know better! I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know if it’s anger? hurt? disappointment? sadness, or whatever. I was being ground to dust before I reduced contact with my mother in the last four months of her life. I didn’t reduce contact as punishment, I was trying to hang onto some part of me that wasn’t sucked dry by my mother’s endless needs. Antidepressants have made it possible for me to function at work, but not much else. When does the misery end? I stopped trying to explain my feelings because people I speak to look at me like I have two heads. I feel so lost right now. What do I do?
Tracie, you certainly have my sympathy and empathy for being in a “no-win” situation. Can we imagine the similar scenario of a well-intentioned Good Samaritan trying to rescue a drowning friend, only to find that their friend’s desperation is pulling them under, as well! Unless procedures have changed since I took my life-saving courses, rescuing a drowning victim requires that we must make the attempt utilizing any and all options that allow us to maintain our ability to render aid without becoming victims, ourselves. I know this is taught to “first responders”, as well. The logic being that if we allow ourselves to be pulled down and overwhelmed by the circumstances, then we are no longer a rescuer, but rather, we become a victim, as well, who is in need of rescuing — only complicating the situation.
Dealing with the emotions of tragedy is a whole ballgame unto itself. We live in a world in which, at any time or place, we can be made to feel that we could have, or should have, done more. All we can do is try to do the best we know how to do, and are capable of, at the time. For me, I try to live according to my understanding of Christianity, its principles and guidelines. Can I say I’ve done all that I should or could do, every day? Hardly. You, did, however, demonstrate your willingness to render help for your mother with a caring heart. It seems to me, that, quite possibly, in her desperation, she may have been reaching out to others without fully comprehending or accepting her fate. Obviously, your mother, and sister, were not able to comprehend or allow for your emotional needs. My intuition tells me that you were likely a victim to a narcissistic family. Reading more about the narcissistic family may help you relate to your predicament and emotional turmoil.
Can we imagine the helpless feeling people had who believed Christ to be who He claimed, and yet, they had to watch Him put through the agonies of torment, embarrassment, and put to death in public view — and all they could do is helplessly watch from a distance to avoid being killed, themselves? Could they all have suffered from a guilt of not being able to assist by sacrificing their own lives?
I, certainly, am not one to serve in judgment regarding your circumstances, but you pointed out that your sister blamed you, but, apparently, did nothing to offer her assistance? There is a time, in all our lives, when we are beyond the help offered in this life. Anyone is fortunate to have company or care offered at times of uncertainty and vulnerability, but each of us are either potential sufferers, or are currently suffering, in some way, and are maybe, alone. Think of our soldiers, today, in distant lands, who are trying to defend us and others, yet are in lonely, isolated conditions, having to endure the onslaught of their/our adversaries. That’s why we must obtain and demonstrate courage.
Heroes are those who put the interests and needs of others above their own. That’s what you tried to do for your mother.
Much of life is spent doing battle in one form or another, if not with others, within ourselves. This battle can only be relieved through the grace of a peace that comes from understanding, wisdom, and knowing that we can be forgiven through our Creator. My suggestion to you is to find comfort and inner peace that can only come with your personal relationship and faith with God. Depending on pills, some form of exercise, or doing some other kind of “hocus pocus” will only end in futility, offer only temporary relief, and eventually, result in worse. By the way, it is written that we should not be concerned about what others say about us, rather, we should first be concerned about our relationship with our Lord and Creator.
Life is unsustainable without forgiveness. Peace be with you. I pray and wish you well.