Linda Martinez-Lewi PhD - The Narcissist In Your Life

Narcissists- Becoming More Powerful, Cruel, Ruthless

The narcissistic personality disorder is fixed but not static. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) As the narcissist becomes more successful in the world, he/she activates greater and greater grandiosity, extreme self entitlement and ruthlessness. If he is at the top of his profession—finance, medicine, science, academia, entertainment, entrepreneurship, politics, media, etc. he is surrounded by a circle of people who believe that he is superior. This protective golden circle provides the high level narcissist with a continuous circulation of narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, accolades, multiple perks, high monetary compensation.

(There are narcissistic personalities who are not successful in their professions or work who wreak havoc and destruction in the lives of their spouses and children.)

As narcissists move to higher tiers of power and influence of great reach, they become untouchable in terms of being held accountable for their personal misdeeds and treacheries. The narcissist is emboldened by his increasing reign of power, his control over others, his capacity to destroy them. He assures himself that he can make or break anyone. And often this is the case. Does it matter to him if he destroys someone else’s career. Absolutely not! This is business—hardball. Those who side with him (not knowing that they too are disposable) will vanquish his enemies. The narcissist becomes more and more ruthless and inhumane as he grabs more power and becomes more maniacally delusional.

If this narcissist is a waking nightmare at work, he is hellish at home. In the private space there is no need wear his false mask. It is ripped off by the time he reaches the front door.He screams, taunts, threatens,demeans, humiliates his spouse and children. The reign of narcissistic terror is endless. He has his spouse in a psychological stranglehold. If the marriage is going badly and the spouse suggests a divorce, the decree of threat comes down—“You will be left with nothing.” “I will get full custody of the kids.” “Everyone will know that you have instigated the divorce and take my side.” “I will hire attorneys who will defeat you at every turn.”

These threats are continuous and terrorize the non-narcissistic spouse. I have been in communication with men and women who are so frightened that they feel that their only recourse is to stay in the toxic marriage. If you make “nice” with the narcissist, he will always find ways to belittle and threaten you. In some cases he has complete power over the finances, leaving the non-narcissistic spouse at his mercy. Some spouses reach a breaking point—They are in severe distress–they cannot sleep; they are on red alert free floating anxiety all of the time; their physical health is suffering; their children are enduring emotional stress as a result of the narcissist’s constant eruptions of rage, outrageous demands and ongoing cruelties and humiliations.

Don’t wait for the narcissist to change course. He knows he can control and manipulate you at any time. He is eclipsing your life–taking more of it away day by day.

Some spouses listen to a final wakeup call and take the step to sever their relationship from these highly disturbed individuals. They strengthen themselves physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually. They surround themselves with a supportive group of people who understand and care deeply about them. I have heard from many of those who made this decision and successfully severed their relationship with the narcissistic spouse. All of their efforts—well thought out and skillfully done—paid off. This was not easy. It takes great courage and an abiding confidence in the self. An essential part of this process is to learn to take very good care of yourself. Learn to heal the body and mind through practices like gentle hatha yoga, guided meditation, spending time in Nature, listening to the music you love that you find is healing and other practices that bring you a sense of growing peace and groundedness.

Seductive Toxic False Self Narcissist

“The origins of the False Self begin with a mother (or father) who is unable to recognize and accept her child’s individuality. Psychoanalyst D.W. Winncott describes how the mother creates a False Self in her child: ‘the mother who is not good enough…repeatedly fails to meet the infant’s gesture (the infant’s unique spontaneity) ; instead she substitutes her own gesture which is to be given sense by the compliance of the infant.’ ” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) The mother of the prospective narcissist cannot accept her child as he (she) is. Often feeling inadequate herself, she has a grandiose vision for her child of superiority and mastery over others. This child will become the fulfillment of her deepest wish—sometimes the very reason for her life. Frank Lloyd Wright’s mother called her son her prince and treated him this way from the beginning of his life. He never learned to be empathic or caring, or warm and accepting with other human beings. He was driven by a great talent and changed the face of modern architecture. In his personal life, he was a continuous disaster, causing psychological pain and misery to whomever he married. He managed to abandon six young children, trotting off to Europe for several years with the wife of a client.

The narcissist knows how to psychologically seduce those whom he favors and want to call his own. He (she) thinks of people not as individuals but as possessions over which he has complete control. In the beginning the elaborate false self of the narcissist is into overdrive. Very few can say “no” to him. Most people believe that this is the genuine person and take the very believable bait—They are caught. Those who marry narcissists find out, often too late, that this individual is psychologically toxic to them. When the relationship starts to go sour and the narcissist is in full rage mode, constantly wielding his aggressive projections on to you, many finally realize that this not their fault. They start to research these character traits—complete self absorption, lack of empathy, volcanic rage, ,over-entitlement, exploitation, chronic deceit, pernicious lies—This is a description of the narcissistic personality. They feel that their lives no longer belong to them. Many decide to find a way to reclaim themselves, to separate permanently from the narcissistic toxins. Victims of narcissists take these actions for themselves and their children. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Covert Narcissists—Get Wise to Their Acts, Baits and Incessant Cruelties

Covert narcissists are among the most difficult to decipher. The can appear to be shy. They are excellent method actors, pretending to be your best friend. Covert Narcissists are magnanimous. They are always watching to get the inside track on you. Most people don’t notice any of these behaviors until these disguised enemies bare their sharp teeth.

Covert narcissists come on treacly, sugary, dependent, overprotective of you and caring. But you begin to notice here and there they are planting small digs at you. They dig and then come back to be your best friend, your confidante. They play the confidante role to the hilt. This is a big red flag. As you look carefully at the covert narcissist, they display no genuine empathy. If you recall clearly, you now know they wanted something from you from the beginning. They were obsessed with taking your power and putting themselves in your place.

Covert narcissists are incessantly cruel. They lie in the weeds. When you are the most vulnerable they strike with extended claws. Never share how you feel with a covert narcissist—that you are down, having to struggle emotionally or financially. They will find these times to demean and humiliate you. Once they have you where they want you the covert narcissist quickly discards you. They believe they’ve gotten rid of you and annihilated you. This pleases them. They are at the top of the heap; you are at the bottom. You now see them clearly with artifice or mask. They are incapable of genuine feelings or empathy. They are cold. They plot all of the time, using their cunning to stalk their human prey. Covert narcissists are highly competitive. They will fight you to the death psychologically. They are incredible competitors. Don’t let them get the better of you or any part of you. Learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth. Assert your own power, mental steadiness and your sense of self entitlement. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers—Hundred Years War Against Their Daughters

Narcissistic mothers don’t stop the battles—even long after their daughters are fully grown. It is psychologically very painful to grow up as the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Being the small child of a narcissistic mother is a horror. I hear from adult daughters who have survived these childhoods of extreme deprivation and cruel unending abuse. The acrimony, cruelty and combativeness of the narcissistic mother continues throughout the adulthood of these women. Elder narcissistic mothers often carry on this malevolent abuse through narcissistic siblings who have colluded with them. If there is money involved, the narcissistic siblings close ranks against the non-narcissistic daughter. They spew malicious projections on to their victimized sibling(s). Sadly, some of these victimized daughters add to their pain by making overtures to the narcissistic mother. They cannot believe that a mother, their mother, doesn’t love them on any level. Some of them live in a state of shock, wondering what they have done to become the object of such cruelty. These daughters have done nothing wrong. They are dealing with a mother who suffers from a severe personality disorder.

If you are the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother, don’t expect her to change. This personality disorder is rigid and fixed. Narcissists believe that they are perfect, superior to others, even their children. Many narcissistic mothers believe that they are good parents. They accuse their daughters of being spoiled and ungrateful. Another tack is to flat out lie and call their own daughter(s) “crazy.” There are narcissistic mothers who spread malicious rumors of mental instability throughout the family and friends about their mentally unstable daughter(s).

For some adult daughters, a time of reckoning and decision comes. The accumulation of too much psychological pain, horrible distress, chronic self-doubt, deep sadness and confusion reaches a crisis point. There are daughters who reach a turning point and finally recognize that there is nothing they can do to change their narcissistic mothers, that they were and are not responsible nor should be blamed for this parent’s delusional thinking and complete lack of empathy. Some of these adult daughters make the decision to sever the “relationship” from their narcissistic mothers. They decide not to have any contact with these individuals.

Many of these daughters do the work of healing themselves. Some of them seek quality psychotherapy. They re-start their lives, recognizing that they are valuable individuals in their own right. They develop a sense of self entitlement. They grow in their renewed strength of their separate identities and the use of their creative gifts. They discover the inner peace they have been yearning for all of their lives. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Stepmothers—Taking Dad Away

There are innumerable stepmothers who are wonderful parents. They do the hard work of raising the children after an ugly divorce or a situation in which the biological mother abandoned the children.

I am speaking about the narcissistic stepmother who purposely plots her way into the heart and mind of a man who has minor children. These women are on the alert for a vulnerable man. If he is a widower, all the better. No ex-wife to get in her way. This is often the case if the man has considerable wealth. I call these gals— One Bounce Women, meaning that the ink on the divorce papers is barely dry and they are presenting themselves as prospective playmates to these unsuspecting fellows. The narcissistic stepmother cleverly solidifies her powerful new role with the tried and true method —Sex! First she is friendly and warm and very understanding of this man who is going through a tough ordeal. Next, she works her way into becoming his indispensable confidant. Add a generous measure of brilliant sexual moves to the mix and he’s bagged.

Once the marriage is legally solidified, the stepmother breathes a luscious sigh. What next—dealing with the kids. Narcissists are gifted actors. When the marriage is new and everyone is on his/her good behavior, the stepmother displays a convincing devotion to his children. She is pleasant and courteous. She pretends to be interested in their social and school lives. Children under divorce circumstances are having a very difficult time adjusting to the fact that their parents are no longer married to one another. They may still feel shocked, confused and angry about this turn of events. When dad quickly remarries this adds to their psychological pain. Father is so carried away with his new love that his attention to the children flags. Kids pick up on his dismissiveness and distancing. They feel cheated and depressed. They’ve been replaced by a woman who is practically a stranger.

As the months and years pass by the stepmother’s narcissistic attributes come fully to the surface. She is duplicitous in her dealings—warm, seductive, pseudo empathic with her husband and cold, critical and emotionally threatening to the children. She achieves this two faced role with great cunning. Because she has such a tight grip on her husband (As far as he is concerned his wife can do no wrong) the father will not believe his own children when they tell him they are being treated cruelly. The stepmother’s psychological brainwashing on her spouse works like a charm. She continues to buttress her intimate relationship with this man. He’s a keeper—too much equity there and a great lifestyle to let go of it now.

Children under these conditions are suffering horribly. Sometimes they band together for emotional support. Some kids spend less and less time at home. They are often at friends’ houses where they feel welcome.
During the teenage years, it can get very derisive. Each time the dad sides with the stepmother, the child is left standing alone. In some cases children decide to live with the other parent and find a real home there. When no other parent is available, children leave the home early and make an effort to find their way solo or with friends. I have communication with adult children of narcissistic stepmothers who remember the ordeals they endured under her watch. They lost their childhoods and the deep caring and loving of a real father. Many of them still say that their narcissistic stepmother “took dad away” from them. Some of them go into psychotherapy to mourn the loss of the parent(s) and to deal with feelings of betrayal and abandonment.

The narcissistic stepmother has no pangs of conscience for alienating and in some instances destroying the relationship between the father and his children. She has won. When the children are grown, she will celebrate again. Some of these stepmothers repeat this pattern with more than one man. When the money is no longer forthcoming and she cannot fool her husband any longer, she moves ahead to find her next male trophy. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narc issists are Envious of You—You are Real—Narcissist is Fraudulent

Envy is an emotion that is not discussed openly. People are secretive about their envy—This is a feeling of resentment that an individual has about wanting to possess the qualities of another person or what they control and own. As they puff themselves with circulating narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, social status, professional achievement–the narcissist holds his envy close. After all, he/she is perfect, unsurpassed. Why should he care about you and your petty achievements. Much of this envy is driven by his unconscious feelings of dark emotional emptiness. He has no resources to go inside himself and feel solid, secure and authentic. The narcissist is always competing with others to better them and defeat them. He views those who are perceived as more successful as his enemies. If they won’t capitulate to his will, he will obliterate those who stand in his way. These ruthless endeavors are played out in many divorce procedures where narcissists are involved.

Recognize that the narcissist is a vindictive human being who will not change. These individuals suffer from a severe personality disorder. Remove yourself from relationships with these individualsincluding family members, siblings, parents and spouses. This may mean divorcing a narcissist or separating from them permanently. No matter how many years, effort and time you have taken to improve your relationship with a narcissistic spouse, you are better off not colluding with this level of pathology. Wash you hands of these disturbed people so that you can be free to lead your own life, , expand and deepen your creative gifts and seek and achieve inner peace. To learn about the narcissisic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition

Narcissistic Men—Using Sexual Connections to Reach the Top

Narcissistic men and women are sexually predatory. There is a special kind of narcissist–very good looking, more cocksure confident than intellectually bright, silk smooth with women (especially wealthy ones) and a masterful seducer. The best set up for this man is a woman of great wealth several decades his senior. It doesn’t matter to him if she is married or single. All this narcissist needs to know is that she has plenty of money and he’s going to get ahold of it. This type of narcissistic man has been seducing women all of his life. He can’t count the number of young woman and older ones with whom he has had sex for minor and major rewards–from small favors and social privileges in the beginning to setting up business connections, leading to the highest levels of corporate power. The handsome, super confident risk taking narcissist knows one thing—He can meet, seduce and establish business alliances with women who become sexually and psychologically dependent and reward him with unlimited amounts of wealth. This is in exchange for his intimate services and his masterful role in becoming an indispensable part of this woman’s life. She wouldn’t make a move, especially a business decision without him. This method has been working for narcissistic men for centuries and continues to rake in hundreds of millions of dollars to male narcissists who are at the top of this ruthless game. Protect yourself psychologically, emotionally and financially by studying the narcissistic personality disorder in depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Psychological Detachment from Your Abusive Narcissistic Spouse

Narcissistic spouses are all abusive in one way or another. They operate in a climate of psychological intimidation. They have different communication styles. Some make constant demands. They expect to get what they want immediately on the spot. If they don’t receive the perfect solution or answer, they start screaming at the top of their lungs. Narcissists have very strong lungs and steel vocal cords. That could be because they have so much practice. Most spouses are very disturbed by these abusive non stop demands. The narcissist is not going to change. This is a severe fixed personality disorder. Some spouses believe that they can compromise with the narcissist. This is not going to happen. Narcissists are completely arbitrary. They must have it their way without exception.

While you are endeavoring to make a decision about staying with a narcissistic spouse or to leave them, learn how to psychologically detach from them. Focus on your own needs and develop a stronger sense of self entitlement. Work with yourself. Learn to calm your body and mind. This can be done with certain practices like gentle hatha yoga and forms of meditation–sitting and walking meditation. Learning to quiet the mind through a regular practice strengthens your capacity to experience yourself as separate from the narcissist. You learn to go deep inside by consistent practice. Consistency is the key. Dedication and discipline work alongside intention to gain all of the benefits of these practices. As the capacity to quiet your mind strengthens and steadies, you will find that you are more in tune with yourself and much less vulnerable to the theatrics and ruses of the narcissistic spouse. These ancient practices are highly applicable today in developing a sense of steadiness and psychological detachment and increase your capacity for mindfulness and clarity of focus. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
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Narcissistic Mothers-Their Children Are Narcissistic Supplies

The narcissistic mother, especially those who overpower their spouse and everyone in the household with the force of her will, treats her children like narcissistic supplies. Narcissistic mothers enhance their grandiosity and overblown sense of omnipotence by using their children to enhance their bloated egos and the elaborate false mask that they show the world. Most people outside of these highly dysfunctional homes would never guess or believe that these mothers are abusing their children. Some narcissistic mothers play their parts so well that other family members living outside the home believe their well rehearsed act. Narcissistic mothers often cast their children in different roles. Many choose a child who will become a perfect mirror of the narcissistic mother. The chosen child is often very bright, can be gifted musically, has athletic skills and is very attractive or pretty. Mother is entranced with this child. She has found the perfect vision of herself in this being to whom she has given birth. This child is adored by her over all of her other children. The others siblings are treated very differently. Often there is a sensitive kid who endures volumes of verbal abuse and assault to his person. She/he is told that she is ugly, can never measure up, is deficient, etc. This cruel theme is repeated daily to this child and has very negative effects on this individual’s psyche. Even those who are “chosen” , though privileged and allowed to do whatever they want, including being cruel to their brothers and sisters, are forced to become a perfect clone of the mother. They are human puppets who must dance to her choreography—They are living narcissistic supplies.

Narcissistic mothers as they grow older continue these cruel practices, turn one child against the other, causing psychological chaos and emotional damage. Those who are victims of these non-mothers try to survive the best they can. Even into adulthood, victims of narcissistic mother’s abuse are still suffering the tortures of childhood. At some point many of these adult children decide that they must sever this “relationship” with mother to reclaim their own lives and their unique selves. They stop contact with the narcissistic mother. They seek the support of others who understand their suffering and are there to comfort them and help them heal. Human beings are resilient when provided with good psychological nourishment. Many of these scapegoated children, free from the narcissistic mother gulag, discover their creative gifts, find that they are able to have deep loving relationships and find inner peace inside of themselves. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sociopathic Narcissists-Too Powerful to Be Held Accountable for Their Sexual Treacheries

In many ways we still live in a patriarchal society despite the tremendous inroads that provide equal opportunities in education and professional options to women not possible decades ago.

There are still some areas where narcissistic men are given a pass to do whatever they want. Remember the phrase “too big to fail”. We can say about these men that they are “too important and powerful to be held accountable for any of their actions, even serious crimes.” Unfortunately, there are too many men and women who defend these narcissistic dangerous human beings. These exploiters are often high level sociopath narcissists in professional positions of the highest power. Many people revere them because of their amassed wealth, their global connections and influence and the real and palpable influence that they hold over others. Everyone wants to be on this man’s team, by his side as a marital partner. Their followers are bathed in the unction that the world pours on them.

Some of these men have committed the horrendous crime of raping women. Yes—No one wants to talk about that one.Often sociopathic narcissists brutalize women whom they view as below their social, educational and economic class. They know that they can get away with the sexual assaults because the victims will be frightened to charge them and if charged they will experience ridicule and full frontal bombardment from the narcissist’s defense dream team. They have defended sociopathic narcissists before and gotten most of them off—even on the most heinous charges.

Some of these men rape their wives for years. The victims speak out only to friends who will hold their dark secrets. They remain married to these husbands from hell because they feel worthless, powerless and don’t want to disrupt the image of the family they believe they must uphold.

Woman and men who see through the delusion of the sociopathic narcissist must speak up on a variety of fronts: ethical, legal, social, moral, psychological. Identify and unmask the sociopathic narcissist. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book; Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]