Author: Linda Martinez-Lewi PhD

Narcissists Are Pretend Parents

The narcissistic personality is psychologically a young child who never learned to be responsible or accountable for his actions, decisions or his treatment of others, including spouses and children. Narcissists are developmentally arrested at the age of two or earlier. They Want and they Get. They cajole, manipulate, deceive, rage and lie to get exactly what they want. They are bottomless pits of having their way. They are cunning, cruel, and exceedingly exploitative, often of their own children. When a marriage with a narcissist fails, the narcissistic spouse who hasn’t paid one moment of attention to his children, suddenly want them all to himself (herself). He plays hero suddenly and becomes the great parent. This is an image that the narcissist creates. He makes sure that the cameras and attention are on him when he is playing this part. He is photographed, tweeted, linkedIn and facebooked. Narcissists cannot love their own children or anyone else. You can be married to a narcissist for many years who has ignored your children since they were born but when you decide that you can’t tolerate the abuse any longer and seek a divorce, he will do everything and beyond to get custody of “his” children. He is super dad and saint combined. When he does get custody, he ignores his children, often leaving them alone to fend for themselves. In public he suddenly becomes highly attentive to them. When the doors close and the narcissist is unseen, he has no use for them. This is the Jekyll/Hyde father that causes serious psychological issues for his children. It is important for these children to get professional help if they develop symptoms. In some cases the narcissist becomes very bored with the whole arrangement and decides to go solo and run after the lovely ladies that he knows have been waiting at stage right.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected] 

 

Unwanted Mutilated Children of Narcissistic Mothers

When you look into the eyes of a child of a narcissistic mother, the pain is so intense you cannot bear it. Imagine what that human being across from you is experiencing all of the time–since the beginning of her/his life. Some children of narcissists are so psychologically numb that they cannot feel this pain because it would crush them completely. Rather, they harm themselves. Some become anorexic and control the one thing they can–what they put in their mouths. Others turn to high risk relationships with sadistic partners who beat them up psychologically and physically. Some make small cuts in their flesh in inconspicuous secret places to release their unbearable feelings.

Many of these adult children tell you over and over again how much they love their mothers. It is confounding but not surprising. They have identified with their life aggressor, the person who birthed them and then did everything possible to destroy them. Narcissistic mothers adore their golden children–the ones that are very attractive, extroverted, overly confident, great performers. They detest their child who is not as physically attractive, a loner and thinker, quiet, sensitive, introverted.

In many cases the unwanted psychologically abused child goes through her life “adoring” mother and hating herself. She is fused with a mother and trapped in a state of self loathing. This is tragic and true.

There are other children who awaken to the true nature of their narcissistic mother—feel her mortal danger to them, know that she will never love them and will not stop torturing them. They take the ride of their insight and finally acknowledge that they never had a real mother–but a monster, a psychological killer.

There are many life stories of those who have broken these horrendous chains of abuse, who have worked through their feelings of self hatred, shame and loathing and have emerged to recognize, feel and celebrate their true natures. You deserve our special love and respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: [email protected]

Socciopathic Narcissistic Mothers Have No Mercy

Did you look into the eyes of your sociopathic narcissistic mother and feel the full force of her hatred? Were you nauseated by her touch, her smell? Did she constantly threaten to harm you? Did she watch every move you made so that she could pounce like a wild animal? Did she make fun of you in front of your brothers and sisters and other family members? Did she tell you that you were ugly and she was ashamed of you? These and thousands more of horrific questions are still heard and felt loudly in the minds, bodies and psyches of children of sociopathic narcissistic mothers. These are not exaggerations. I have heard and read these life stories and innumerable variations of them too many times not to know that this is absolutely true. When you see the intolerable pain in the faces of those who have been tormented in this way and hear the faint whimper and terror in their voices you know they have suffered intolerably. They have been treated without mercy.

I have a special place inside for children who have suffered so severely. I am moved by their courage to survive each day and to finally prevail. To seek good professional help that can help them to heal. To practice healing modalities like gentle yoga, different forms of meditation, jounaling, spending time with Nature and animals, to build loving relationships with individuals whom they can trust. Often those those have been treated without mercy are compassionate and empathic individuals. You can and will heal. It is your destiny to be whole and experience deep inner peace and to express your creativity fully. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: [email protected]

Don’t Blame Yourself for Your Narcissistic Parents

Some victims of narcissistic parents–mother or father or both, blame themselves for not being perfect. They live the guilt of not meeting their parents’ expectations. These demands and expectations on the part of narcissistic parents are delusional. Even if you had reached perfection by their standards it would never have satisfied them. As the child of a narcissistic mother or father you remember that making your greatest efforts to satisfy their demands and wishes was never enough. You were criticized, demeaned and humiliated. Even when you had straight A’s in school they chided you for not participating in enough extracurricular activities or being alone. It was always something. They would always finding a way of pulling you down.

Many victims of narcissistic parents still feel haunted by feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness as a result of innumerable verbal assaults on them as children and adults. Some of these adult children make the decision to sever their relationship from the narcissistic parent. They cannot and will no longer tolerate this level of verbal abuse and their collusion with other relatives to ruin your reputation with others.

You have a unique individual life that belongs to you–You are many talents and gifts that you can use to enrich your life. You have opportunities for loving relationships with those who will care deeply about you and love you for yourself. Think about this—You can be free. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Mother’s Corrosive Envy of Their Daughters

Narcissistic mothers know that they are superior to everyone else, especially their daughters. If you are the daughter you felt your mother appraising you very early and finding you wanting. She picked away at your self confidence. Her tone of voice was demeaning. She never approved of you. You may have been beautiful, bright, talented or not unusual on the exterior. This would not have mattered. She was in competition with you from the beginning. Some narcissistic mothers resent how much attention the her husband, the new father,is giving to his baby daughter. If the bond is loving and close, she becomes incensed. As you grow she tells lies about you, enunciating long lists of your many transgressions and cruelties. Your narcissistic mom lied about you all of the time. She wished that you never existed. You were her immediate rival for dad’s attention and the entire world. In private these mothers humiliate, intimidate and terrorize their daughters, seeking submission and blind obedience. In many cases they achieve this. The daughter is psychologically immobilized and unable to activate her gifts. She is frightened all of the time that mother will take revenge if she reveals her real self or speaks openly about her feelings. The homes of these daughters become prisons–at times a form of solitary confinement.

When daughters of narcissistic mothers grow up and become teenagers and young women, the NM vies for the attention of the young men who come to visit. She may even become seductive with the daughter’s male friends and proposition them. In some ugly scenes the young fellow goes along and has a sexual fling with the narcissistic mom. The humiliation and horror of discovering your mother’s breach of morality and her complete betrayal of her maternal role is emotionally intolerable. The narcissistic mother has no conscience–when she wants something or someone, she goes after it. This woman is a narcissistic personality who is not going to change. Think carefully about your options. You can sever this pathological relationships. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth.Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Parents Sabotage Their Children

By definition sabotage is a “treacherous action.” Treachery when perpetrated upon a family member means destruction and annihilation. It is beyond ruthlessness.

Growing up in a narcissistic family is like being in the middle of a deadly fire fight twenty four hours a day. The child who survives these skirmishes and all out wars is truly remarkable. I hear and read life stories of those who found survival techniques. Many of them hid in their own hoes, spent time with friends to keep out of the war zone, slipped their minds away into books, video games, drawing, writing, other creative activities. Some children were fortunate to have a grand parent who would give them times of respite.

Some children who have this experience are in a constant state of anxiety–fight or flight syndrome.The narcissist–mother or father or both rule the household. Screams and demands–slaps and threats can be heard and experienced frequently in these homes. The narcissist lives for himself (herself) alone. Narcissists don’t love their children. They use them to prop up their egos if they perceive that a particular child can add to their perfect image. In this case the child is indulged. The rest of the kids are cast aside and neglected or treated abysmally. Some of these children find ingenious ways to save their sense of self, to conceal their creative gifts but continue to use them and to keep the inner fire of a sense of self burning brightly. I have known individuals who have been able to accomplish this despite all of the narcissistic pathology of their mother or father or both parents.

Adult children continue to heal through skilled psychotherapy and many forms of bringing the body/mind back into balance: gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, full use of your creativity. You can heal. You will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Narcissists’ False Smiles Give Them Away

The sooner you recognize a narcissist whether it is a prospective spouse or a member of your family the better. I have been noticing recently the facial expressions that narcissists often make. One in particular is the phony smile and the hollow laugh. The mouth turns up but it is forced.. The eyes don’t contain any feeling. With a genuine smile the entire face–eyes and mouth especially light up and create a dynamic sense of joy, of letting go, of aliveness and humor. The true smile engages us. We become at one with the person who is offering it to us. There is a deep communication that takes place when a wonderful person lays a special smile on us. We feel it deeply and it resonates inside of us for a long time.

The narcissist is a false self, incapable of being genuine. It makes sense that he/she is not able to express himself with a real smile.

Babies smile very early–even in the first weeks of their lives. Their eyes engage us and their tiny rose bud mouths spread beautifully to communicate their joy. This is a precious gift. I always feel so grateful when a baby chooses to smile at me. I feel that life is better in that moment and I treasure it.

Watch for the fake forced smile and the hollow laugh of the narcissist. They give themselves away every time. To learn about many other attributes of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Children of Narcissists Have a Right to Heal

So many adult children of narcissistic mothers and/or fathers hold on to their suffering—not on purpose but unconsciously because that has been their reality all of their lives. From the time they could barely walk and talk they were psychologically bruised and bloodied by the narcissistic parent. Every day there was a new accusation, a criticism that cut through to the bone, a smirk that said: “You are worthless; I wish you had never been born.” “Why can’t you be like your brilliant older sister who gets all A’s.” “You have an uneven nose and thin lips. We’ll have to take you to a plastic surgeon later on so you don’t embarrass the family.”

“Sometimes you smell; it disgusts me.” And on and on—an endless road of insults that wound the heart and shake the nerves. Yet you have survived this gulag of abuse. That is a great accomplishment and you have done it with you humanity intact.

Know that you have a right to heal—-completely. You can disengage yourself from all of the cruel, malicious blows of your narcissistic parent. You don’t have to carry these burdens any longer. Begin by recognizing that although you share the DNA of your narcissistic parent, you are a separate individual. You are entitled to develop all of your talents and gifts fully. You are entitled to feel a deep inner peace and a love for yourself. You are entitled to be healthy in body, mind and spirit. You have a separate life that is precious. You are entitled to resurrect your humor, the sing when you feel happy, to embrace others, to be spontaneous, to live fully in this moment. Some children of narcissistic parents benefit from psychotherapy.Do the research and make sure that your therapist is highly trained, devoted to her/his clients and very empathic. Make sure you don’t sense a money motive and especially check it out to rule out a narcissistic psychotherapist. They are out there, victimizing vulnerable clients. There are many healing pathways. Find the ones that work for you–gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, creative endeavors that put you in touch with the unlimited use of your imagination. Some form of exercise is very valuable in keeping your body strong, your nerves quiet and your mind clear. Become aware of the precious moment: the tiny sound of the hummingbird over your head–greeting you, the wind wafting through your nostrils, the full smile of a happy baby, the warm hug of a friend, the moon at night darting in and out of the clouds. the lake of stars above like a diamond tiara—-endless moments of beauty. You can and will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Step Out of Your Narcissistic Sister’s Shadow

In narcissistic families some children are more “equal” than others, even “superior.” Of course this is not true; it is a delusion, a tale of parental narcissistic psychopathology. When we are very young we are helpless and must do whatever we can to survive. Some kids play the game; some know how to be skilled actors; others hide and wither. If you have lived in the deep shadow of your sister’s pathological narcissism, you have weathered great emotional and psychological pain. Very likely one of your parents was a narcissist. In many instances it is the narcissistic mother who chooses her favorite child to carry the family banner of perfection. She has picked the one who will give her the most narcissistic supplies and bragging, bravado. She will wear the family coat of arms and be crowned as royalty. This child can do no wrong and is given no limits of behavior. As a result this golden sister does not develop a conscience or empathy or compassion. she may be sadistic and enjoy causing you emotional pain. She gets you in trouble with her lies. Mother believes her because they are psychologically fused with one another. This ghastly delusional arrangement can move all the way into adulthood.

At some point many of these victims of the narcissistic sister decide they are carrying too much pain. They can no longer endure it. They have tried everything to be accepted by their narcissistic mother and sister. But nothing ever works (and it never will–That’s how serious disturbed these individuals are. You have the insight and know that you will now sever this relationship with narcissistic mother and her twin the narcissistic sister. You will no longer be living in her shadow.

Many individuals in this situation move forward to separate from this pathological family origin with the help of excellent psychotherapy and other healing methods that include gentle yoga, meditation, finding supportive friends, using your creative gifts and watching them blossom in full light. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

You are the Narcissist’s Possession

“Casting one’s lot with a narcissist means that your life no longer belongs to you. Your mental freedom and psychological space are invaded…The narcissist creates an unbroken fusion with his intimates, treating them like the intricately woven fabric of his own personality.”(Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

Narcissists are driven to have what they want and must have regardless of the people whom they ruthlessly push aside (even their small children) lie to, cheat, psychologically abuse, trick or cause psychological and physical harm. They are bulldozers, juggernauts, human tsunamis. You can’t win with a narcissistic spouse unless you fuse with them and allow them to eclipse your inner world of creativity and freedom and go along for all of the perks and material upsides of one who is rising in power and financial assets. Some spouses choose that direction. There is so much to gain by having the next lovely object—a special article of clothing, an irresistible piece of jewelry, a perfectly designed home, a grand trip, the prestige to be married to a man or woman who is sought after as a very special person in the world. This is so tempting to many spouses that they can’t say ‘No”. The deeper and closer the fusion with the narcissistic spouse the less capacity to individuate out as a separate person who is free to be genuine and to use their creative gifts and full potential.

Some spouses decide that they must sever this pathological relationship. Many of them do it for their children. They recognize the damage that staying with the narcissistic spouse is doing each day. They make the decision to divorce. This is a difficult process with a narcissist but they are up for the fight. They have confidence in themselves, have chosen an excellent, bright, fearless attorney who knows how narcissists operate. In the aftermath the spouse, now free from bondage, is free to renew his/her own life and the endless opportunities that it holds. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: [email protected]