Narcissistic Spouses–Your Money and Your Life

There is a common thread that runs through many marriages to narcissists, especially when rumblings of a divorce are in the air. Before the lightening strikes it is not unusual for the narcissistic spouse to have taken all of the joint assets and whisked them away. The other partner is shocked that the narcissistic husband/wife claims that he doesn’t have any money. The non-narcissistic spouse on the other end of this dreadful dilemma is left with confusion and anxiety. The spouse who has cunningly spirited away the financial assets is a master of control who knows where every penny is. This, despite the fact that he/she may be making a huge amount of money. Narcissists love to brag about their wealth but when it comes down to sharing it, forget it. They dole out small sums of money to the spouse, telling them how lucky they are to be leading such a fine lifestyle. They complain if you spend even a few dollars over what you are “allotted.” Some narcissistic spouses will tell their wives that they will just have to sacrifice because times are rough. Meanwhile, the narcissistic spouse is indulging himself in every way–the more the better. Narcissists are chronic liars and betrayers—This is immutable. You cannot change these characteristics and don’t try to discuss these matters with them. They will go into projection mode and blame everything on you. Every horrible thing that ever happened to them is your fault. You don’t want to stir this up. You might not even need to stir–narcissists are projecting their venom all of the time.

Besides the financial matters, the narcissist is psychologically and emotionally eclipsing your life. With constant irrational demands, volcanic rages, criticisms that cut you to the quick and phoney crying jags–why would you waste the rest of your life with this person. Your vitality is sapped; your creative gifts are lying fallow; your sleep is disrupted. You have no inner peace.

If you decide the marriage is no longer working with the narcissist (and they don’t) create your own plan well in advance of any statements about a separation or a divorce. Make sure that you have access to all of the information about your shared finances. I have heard too many times about women in particular that have been married to a narcissistic man for decades and who didn’t know how much money was coming in from her spouse’s wages, investment or properties. Many women are financially independent today and that is terrific. And this could be because of so many reasons. A good job with a good salary, deciding to put some money aside into a separate account each month, perhaps researching life expectancy in the US or wherever they live and then investing in life insurance accordingly, or through any investment opportunities they have on their own. It’s not unusual for more people to consider the latter idea when they want to increase their income, as over bei capital.com (at capital.com), you can see how you can buy currency or shares and trade them as and when you please. By doing this, you will find that your financial situation improves, leaving you with enough money to become financially independent. But in so many instances I hear very sad stories about women who are left with no means of support. They have a few rough choices. They can remain in the hellish marriage to the narcissist or they can leave with a paltry sum of money and start all over. Many of these women are well up in age and it would be very difficult for them to find a job that will sustain them. Be wise. Beat the narcissistic spouse at his/her own game. When you have hints or intuitions that the marriage is going south, start doing your research into the finances. Before that make sure that you have as much access to community property as your narcissistic spouse. Narcissists are cunning; they can “smell” divorce papers coming. So be clever, wake up, create your plan of action in detail. Talk with an expert attorney who knows how these conniving individuals operate and how divorce law works. Become highly informed. This way you have an edge on this man or woman who will leave you (and your children) with nothing as he moves on to his next big business deal and another woman (or man) whom he will engage in the same treacherous dance.

Recognize your value as an individual. Keep yourself healthy–physically, psychologically and emotionally. Don’t wait for the narcissist to change. That is not going to happen—ever. These folks are great actors and they are clever at drawing you back in. Don’t buy it. Once you know who the narcissist is, decide if you can tolerate sharing your life with this person or if it is time for you to make the move to sever the so-called partnership. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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Working for a Narcissist-Tough Realities

When you work for a narcissist, your life is taken over by his/her psychopathology. He demands your attention and full sprinted effort 24/7. He expects total loyalty to him but is very disloyal. The narcissist coldly uses those who work for him. Develop a deep understanding of the narcissistic personality disorder, maintain your psychological boundaries and learn not to overreact to his tantrums and extreme grandiosity. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Seek to Destroy Those Who Get in Their Way

Today we are surrounded by narcissists–in the media, entertainment, among our neighbors, acquaintances, in medicine, in psychiatry and psychology, in “spirituality”, the culture of many corporations. In the years since Christopher Lasch wrote his brilliant prescient work The Culture of Narcissism (1978) we are experiencing his predictions. We have arrived—-in the Narcissistic Culture. Long ago Lasch knew what would happen to many “relationships” –“Personal relations founded on reflected glory, on the need to admire and be admired, prove fleeting and insubstantial.” The narcissist demands that you are a mirror of his or her perfection. Many people follow the narcissist’s lead because he is holding the power, the force of personality, the delusion that you can become as overly confident, self entitled, as deceptive and exploitive as this person. We discover today that so much of career climbing to the top is based on being ruthless and amoral. This is becoming more the rule than the exception. “Work hard and play by the rules”—Really??? That doesn’t fit with the narcissistic style. In so many corporate venues it is those who are very attractive physically if not drop dead gorgeous–male and female, combined with blind ambition and a willingness to let others falter and fall by the wayside, who reach the highest positions within a corporate structure. These individuals operate without conscience. If someone doesn’t fit into their singular plan of victory, the narcissist will do everything possible to kick this person out of the way, even if this causes horrible distress and financial instability to them—They say to themselves: “You are weak and worthless; get out of my way. I have no obstacles, boundaries or limits. Get between me and my goal and I will annihilate you.” There are still extraordinary corporations and the people in all levels who work for them who have outstanding characters and who still work very hard and maintain the highest level of conscience and concern for the welfare of others.

On a personal level narcissists within the family–spouses, ex-spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings–are making the lives of family members miserable, unbearable and bleak. I hear many life stories of those who were trapped in a narcissistic family and who had to survive by going along with the perfect mirroring , criticisms, intimidations and complete injustice of their situations. They have suffered greatly. I don’t think that most people understand, unless they have experienced the malicious face of a mother or father narcissist, know what this does to a child every single day. Know that these cruelties exist and that they are malevolent and in some cases, evil. That is not too strong of a word to describe the psychological damage sustained by many children raised by a narcissistic parent or a narcissistically abused spouse or sibling. These victims are telling the exact truth. Believe them.

Human nature is both sublime and very dark. Narcissists dwell within the prisons of their own psychopathology and that is a tragedy. But the damage that they do to others is incalculable. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand who this person is. Forget the external image–it is fleeting and meaningless. This is the world’s superficial appraisal. It is part of the delusion that has become even more prevalent than at any other time in recent western history. Facade has now become reality–That’s what we are being told constantly.

Pay attention to what is deep inside of you–your intuitions and insights that come quickly with the truth. When you call upon these gifts, you cannot be compromised or vanquished. You are riding with the truth throughout your life, gaining strength, psychological stamina, spiritual steadiness and laser focus. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Paranoid Narcissists Cause Psychological Pain-Chaos

There are high and lower level narcissists and layers in between. Every narcissistic personality has specific characteristics by which he or she can be identified: self absorbed, extreme self entitlement, lack of empathy,grandiosity,manipulative and exploitive of others. Lower level narcissists do not succeed in the world like their high achieving brothers and sisters. One attribute of the lower level narcissist that stands out is a persistent paranoia. Paranoia is “a pervasive fear that others will harm or even destroy us. The narcissist lives in …a dangerous inner world…he is tormented by anticipated attacks of delusional enemies These unconscious enemies are remnants of cold aggressive internal parental images perceived as persecutors.” The narcissist has no awareness of his internal process. When he is stressed, feels cornered or has not received the narcissistic supplies (adulation, praise, power, money) that he craves, he becomes more deeply paranoid. This paranoia is acted out upon those in his personal and work life. The narcissist trusts no one and is always looking over his shoulder for an imagined enemy who has come to destroy him.

A case vignette brings the paranoid narcissist into full light. Claude is part owner of a nursery that sells plants, tools and other garden accessories. His father started the business several decades ago. Claude is king of his domain and always right. He has no respect or personal concern for his employees. Besides his sense of superiority, manipulation and complete lack of empathy, Claude suffers from a pervasive paranoia that runs alongside his pathological narcissism.

For some irrational reason known only to Claude he insists that plants be constantly over fertilized with a toxic pesticide. One of his employees, Jake, developed a severe rash as result of handling the plants. When the employee was medically debilitated, Claude blamed him for his medical condition, tried to pay the employee a very small off the books fee to keep Jake quiet and insisted that he would fight any workmen’s compensation claim. Claude was adamant that Jake caused his own severe rash and it was all his fault. After the employee returned to work, Claude had several of his relatives watch the employee at regular intervals to see if he was doing his job. Claude sent them to snoop in Jake’s yard to make sure he had not stolen anything from the store. Jake has resigned. He can no longer work for an abusive narcissist whose paranoia invades his privacy.

Many employees continue to work for Claude. Employer and employee are participating in a pathological folie a deux. Despite the narcissism and paranoia, both parties remain psychologically intertwined with one another. Understanding the paranoia that is part of the narcissistic personality will further clarify your understanding and ability to deal with these complex and toxic individuals. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Never Underestimate the Narcissist’s Ruthlessness

The narcissist arrives and moves into our lives with striking, compelling outer packaging. Often he or she is very attractive, bright, a social standout. The narcissist always has a plan up his sleeve about the people in his life. He asks himself: “What can this person do for me?” “Can I make money or achieve higher status through his contacts?” “What’s the best way to get rid of him/her after I’ve gotten what I want?” “Who is the next person on the horizen who can fulfill my desires?”

Narcissists go after their goals with a vengeance—like old testament gods. There are no shades of gray when they are driving down the home stretch. They wreck marriages, abort contracts, cause intolerable stress and anxiety within their homes, detour money into their coffers when it belongs to someone else. Narcissists are ultimate users. They are particularly dangerous to those who are emotionally fragile and dependent. Borderline personalities are often victims of the narcissist’s ruthlessness. The borderline has a deep pathological fear of abandonment. These individuals are emotionally unstable and are inclined to go through periods of extreme mood swings, have poor ego boundaries and problems with impulse control. As a result they are easy fodder for the preditory narcissist. I have known many instances in which borderline personalities who are psychologically enmeshed with narcissists have lost any remnant of control over their own lives as a result of these highly dysfunctional relationships.The narcissist doesn’t suffer; he has no conscience. There are no consequences for his horrendous actions because he’s learned the fine art of not leaving his finger prints on these lowly deeds. Some borderlines have psychotic breaks or if they are alcoholic they swirl down into the oblivion of their addiction. In some cases, the victims become physically ill and have difficulty recovering their health. Meanwhile, the narcissist has moved on to his next prize.

To those who fear him, the narcissist says:”If you don’t give me what I want, I will take it from you.” “If you make it impossible for me, I will destroy you.” These are the clear implications that narcissists leave with those who cower in his presence. When we stand steady within ourselves and face the narcissist without being intimidated, we have a great opportunity to assert ourselves and the truth. Coming to a deep understanding of how the narcissist functions psychologically and why and learning to deal with him successfully, will expand you consciousness and your life in every way. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Marriage from Hell-Narcissistic Man Marries Borderline Personality Woman

Narcissistic men are looking for women who will adore them, provide them with adulation, capitulation of self and total compliance. Narcissists never admit their mistakes but are obsessively finding criticisms and launching humiliation on their borderline personality spouses. The greatest fear of the borderline is psychological abandonment and feelings of annihilation. The borderline personality fuses psychologically with others and has great difficulty maintaining boundaries. The borderline is easy prey or the manipulations and cruel deceptions of the narcissist. The narcissistic man is the opposite of the borderline woman. He is extremely demanding, always gets what he wants, supremely self entitled, superior, has no conscience and doesn’t give how he devastates others emotionally.

Borderline personalities have suffered great trauma in childhood. They have no sense of entitlement, feel worthless and empty and can’t make it on their own. The cruelty perpetrated on them in the marriage to the narcissist mimics and is a repetition of the painful patterns of childhood.

Narcissists know when they will discard their borderline spouse for a new fresh, younger model. The narcissist moves on with no regrets, no stricken conscience, in some cases only a blur of memory that this woman had a role in his life. To learn to protect yourself from the narcissistic personality disorders and assert your own life as unique and valuable, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Borderline Personalities Married To Narcissists

The individual who suffers from borderline personality disorder has an extreme abiding fear of being abandoned. Borderline personalities are psychologically fragile. Due to the lack of positive, nurturing internalized parental figures within their psyches, they feel desperately alone, worthless, anxious and depressed. They have low impulse control and poor psychological boundaries, meaning that they do not possess a solid separate sense of self. They emotionally fuse with partners who are stronger and whom they believe can offer them emotional security and safety. Their ego strength (that sense of a strong “I” that is assertive and self approving) is deeply impaired. As a result, borderline personalities can be easily seduced and exploited by highly manipulative and controlling individuals like the narcissist. Frequently the pair become a pathological folie a deux that is psychologically devastating to the spouse who is a borderline personality. In some cases, the borderline individual experiences severe damage to his/her physical health. In many instances when the narcissist decides to break up with his borderline spouse, he pilfers the monetary assets and properties owned by the couple. Some borderline ex-spouses never recover and are catapulted into a tragic downward spiral of substance abuse, psychological disintegration that can lead to psychotic breaks, and life threatening physical illness.

The psychologically impaired borderline is a perfect partner for the demanding, self absorbed , grandiose, empathy lacking narcissistic personality. The borderline is saying to herself or himself about the relationship: “I will be whatever you want me to be—just don’t leave me. “I will do anything you want me to do—just don’t leave me.” “I will risk my life for you—just don’t leave me.”
The narcissist is parasitic. He feeds off the weaknesses of others to accumulate more financial resources and raw power. Since the narcissist has no sense of limits and virtually no conscience, he is completely disengaged about his role as a principal party in the psychological destruction of another human being or in severely damaging a spouse’s physical health. Before the separation or divorce is mentioned, the narcissist has already made elaborate plans for the next phase of his/her life. There are no regrets or conscience stricken moments for the narcissist. The former spouse never meant anything to him and now has become an infinitesimal speck in the chambers of memory. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
email:lmlphd@gmail.com

Marriage from Hell-Narcissistic Man Marries Borderline Personality Woman

Narcissistic men are looking for women who will adore them, provide them with adulation, capitulation of self and total compliance. Narcissists never admit their mistakes but are obsessively finding criticisms and launching humiliation on their borderline personality spouses. The greatest fear of the borderline is psychological abandonment and feelings of annihilation. The borderline personality fuses psychologically with others and has great difficulty maintaining boundaries. The borderline is easy prey or the manipulations and cruel deceptions of the narcissist. The narcissistic man is the opposite of the borderline woman. He is extremely demanding, always gets what he wants, supremely self entitled, superior, has no conscience and doesn’t give how he devastates others emotionally.

Borderline personalities have suffered great trauma in childhood. They have no sense of entitlement, feel worthless and empty and can’t make it on their own. The cruelty perpetrated on them in the marriage to the narcissist mimics and is a repetition of the painful patterns of childhood.

Narcissists know when they will discard their borderline spouse for a new fresh, younger model. The narcissist moves on with no regrets, no stricken conscience, in some cases only a blur of memory that this woman had a role in his life. To learn to protect yourself from the narcissistic personality disorders and assert your own life as unique and valuable, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Narcissists Choose Borderline Spouses

Narcissists choose spouses, not because they love them but because they can exploit these individuals. Narcissists often marry individuals who suffer from borderline personality disorder. The borderline suffers from a severe fear of abandonment and has problems with psychological boundaries. Borderline disorders are emotionally dependent and willing to serve the narcissist in all of his/her needs and desires. The borderline spouses is coldly exploited by the narcissist and will eventually be discarded by him.
Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

High Society Narcissistic Sociopaths Get a Huge Pass

I am not surprised very often about the pervasive acceptance of pathological narcissism and sociopathy in our current society. In some high social circles those who live uber opulent lifestyles in the rarefied air of super wealth and power get a huge pass even in the area of serious crime. The attitude among many (not all) at the highest levels of power is to ignore the dark deeds perpetrated by those that are admired for their super wealth and impeccable social and business connections. A recent article by Alexandra Wolfe, a former contributing editor to Conde Nast Portfolio, the author wrote about an elite party given in New York, celebrating the return back into high society by a billion pedophile who had completed a 13-month sentence for soliciting prostitution from a minor. Recently this perpetrator had settled numerous civil suits brought by 40 victims who surfaced as a result of an FBI investigation. Was this man shunned? Was he upbraided by his social circle? No. Quite the contrary. He gave himself a high scale party and invited some of America’s media and entertainment figures. Three public statements were made in opposition to this perpetrator kid gloves treatment for serious crimes: Aeropostale director John Howard: “What I see here is if you have big money or are famous then you get a pass.” Lorna Brett Howard, wife of Irving Post Capital CEO: ” In the Midwest, where I am from he would be a social pariah. David Patrick Columbia, founder of New York Social Diary: ” A jail sentence doesn’t matter anymore. The only thing that gets you shunned in New York society is poverty.”

This is the attitude that some americans(many americans do not) have about those who lead the headiest lifestyles and have the greatest access to the highest levels of financial power even after they have committed horrendous crimes. They have served the time given to them. But to receive these predators with open arms and celebration—greeting them back into the fold. What kind of values are these?

I hear from victimized women and men of narcissistic sociopaths frequently. He or she has run off with all of the assets. They are left flat broke financially and broken emotionally and psychologically. Everyone must and recognize that pathological narcissism and narcissistic traits and even sociopathy in some instances are now widely accepted in our society as a method and sure way to ultimate success. Ruthless competition that destroys the lives of others is no longer a consideration. Winning the race is all that matters.

God help those who are poor. Some people look upon them as the new criminal. The society is so externalized that for some if you are very attractive and wealthy and have high connections you can get away with a hell of a lot—-much more than your poorer brothers and sisters who have become non-entities. We must fight these toxic trends. Look upon each person from the inside—what kind of character do they have? Are they moral? Are they empathic and kind? Are they honestly doing their best? We must bring mercy and deep caring about the welfare of others back into the vocabulary and daily thoughts and actions of our lives.

I hear from those who have been through hell with narcissists, sociopathic narcissists and sociopaths. They know exactly what can happen when you allow them to rule your lives. Those who have survived have rebuilt their lives, become strong on every level, re-discovered their unique gifts, found friends and partners who share their humanity. We applaud and celebrate their lives. Stay fully awake, trust your intuition that always speaks wisdom. Listen to that voice that guides all of your days. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com