Author: Linda Martinez-Lewi PhD

Covert Narcissists—Wearing the Martyr’s Mask

There is a special kind of covert narcissist who plays the martyr role so convincingly that most people believe he is an individual of extraordinary integrity, even holy. There is always the implication that this person is special because of his extreme self sacrifice for others. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is part of the covert narcissist’s well rehearsed performance and an excellent way of being seen as a very fine human being. I have been in communication with victims of covert narcissists who tell similar stories. Their spouse is looked up to by others as someone who always thinks of others before himself. This is the public persona. He is known for his good deeds through a church or organization that helps those in need. (There are people of truly fine characters who are not narcissists who devote themselves to those who are suffering or need special help or care. I am not speaking about this here.) The martyred covert narcissist makes sure that he/she is seen as indispensable in this role. Members of his group provide him with the narcissistic supply of adulation. I have heard a number of times that these narcissists will abandon their responsibilities to their families in order to perform their “duties” .

Of course when the covert narcissist is unseen by others and inside the privacy of his home—everything changes: his facial expressions, the tone of his voice, his attitude. He is demanding, demeaning, cruel, verbally abusive and is a master at imposing guilt on family members. He accuses them of being selfish and lazy. He doesn’t want anyone to have a good time. Even laughter and levity are forbidden. Wives and children get the brunt of this upside down version of “goodness.” Once this mask is removed the psychological ugliness is fully exposed and activated.

No one believes the spouses and children who live with covert narcissists and how abusive and disturbed they truly are. At home they are accusatory, blaming, have fits of fury and are often menacing if disbeyed. Some spouses decide that they can no longer tolerate this dreadful charade and sever this non-relationship for themselves and their children. This is not easy because the covert martyr narcissist has made a tremendous reputation for himself and many who follow him believe that there is something seriously wrong with a spouse who would leave such a “good person.”

What matters is the truth and the quality of your life. If others don’t believe you, they are deluded. Take the reins in your hands. Truth is powerful. You are entitled to lead a life that is genuine and unobstructed by verbal abuse, toxic projections and false accusations. You deserve inner peace and your continued growth as an individual on every level. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist’s Money Lust

We all have some lust in our hearts–for gorgeous clothes, sex, delicious food, exquisite jewelry. Many narcissists are obsessed with money lust. Of course, there is nothing strange about wanting to improve your financial situation. However, there are proper ways of going about this. For example, visiting Stocktrades.ca in order to learn how to invest effectively on the stock market would be sensible. Unfortunately, narcissists prefer to manipulate people in order to obtain more money. They are thinking about how much money they have, how to get more of it, how to keep it away from others, whom to manipulate to get more, including family members to take theirs. Money is their substitution for love, warmth, affection—for being authentic and human. Having as much money as possible, even stealing it away from family members, is the narcissist’s constant goal. Thoughts about obtain more money never leave this person’s mind. Having lots of money makes them feel more entitled, superior to others, like a winner. Moneyed narcissists are always looking down on others who have not “made it.” It isn’t knowledge, wisdom, inner peace or insight they are seeking. It is knowing that they have achieved their greatest goal—being able to have whatever they desire and to attract other people whom they can easily exploit to satisfy their money lust. One of the common scenarios is for one of the siblings, male or female, to ingratiate the mother or father who is holding the wealth, to become the confidante, the favored trusted one. This is done over many years and is well plotted. Slowly and surely this sibling becomes the executor of the parent’s will, convinces the mother or father to bestow upon him/her the largest amount of the inheritance (leaving the other siblings with a minuscule portion of the total). The narcissistic money luster puts tremendous pressure on his parent if that is necessary to seal the deal for himself. He has no conscience and is just waiting for the parent to die (the sooner the better) so that he can carry away the entire estate and leave the scene to lead a life of pleasure and comfort. These greedy narcissistic siblings often abandon their own children and of course their spouses to move on to a life of elite uxury. They never look back and view the psychological and monetary destruction they have left behind. . They have gotten what they have wanted all of their lives. Despite this great victory the narcissist continues to experience the money lust deep inside his bones and is ready to pursue other unethical and often illegal financial misadventures. One of them is marrying a wealthy partner, causing them horrible stress and making this person to become psychologically dependent on them and at their mercy. The obsession to seek, obtain and control the fortunes of others never abates. It would be like trying to change the rhythm of the tides or the curvature of the earth. The narcissist never stops victimizing others, disrupting their lives, leaving them without monetary means, causing them unbearable distress and worry.

Learning about the narcissistic personality provides you with the insight to recognize these money vultures quickly. You will sense their vileness, like a noxious odor in the air. You will know what they are after—your financial resources, your social connections to people of means.

Study narcissistic money vultures in-depth. Identify them quickly. Show them the door immediately. If you are involved with one of them, learn to entangle yourself. Pursue your creative gifts, learn to develop inner peace through calming the body and mind. Sharpen your insight and pay close attention to your intuitions. They are coming through all of the time. We need to practice receptivity to these invaluable messengers of the truth.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists—Screaming at You When You are Right

You are asked by your spouse to help with the taxes. The entire job has been placed on your shoulders and your narcissistic husband does none of the tedious work. Day and night he hounds you to get it done so that the work can be mailed out in time. He looks over your shoulder and makes critical remarks. You are nervous but do your very best. When you have finished, he reviews the tax return with a microscope. He starts screaming; he has found a mistake. Actually there is no error—he was not looking at your notation correctly. He goes into a tirade even though you are correct and he is wrong. This happens all of the time with narcissistic spouses and narcissists in general. They are always right especially when they are very wrong.

They turn up the volume and assume that will intimidate you, that the truth will be reversed in their favor. Living with one of these characters is extremely stressful. I have know spouses who literally threw up after some of these ugly scenes which are repeated throughout the marriage. Narcissistic spouses are bullies. They are marauding thugs who take your peace away, crowd your thoughts so that you become confused, wipe out your adrenal glands, put your nervous system on crisis mood. There are many spouses who will never leave this prison of horrors. There are a growing number who now recognize the specific traits of the narcissistic personality disorder, know that this individual is never going to change and make the decision to sever the marriage and move forward with their lives. In doing this they rescue their children psychologically from living each day with a parent who can’t love them, who is completely self absorbed, selfish and cruel.

Take time to research the narcissist in all of his/her facets—their tricks, plots, schemes, vulnerabilities, treacheries. You will be able to spot them quickly and save yourself a lot of pain. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorcing a Narcissist—Choosing the Right Attorney

You will know this right off the top. Do not choose a narcissistic attorney to represent you. Scrutinize several candidates even if you have a good referral. There is self confidence and then you have grandiosity and extreme self entitlement. And of course lack of empathy. You want to be sure that the person whom you hire will have your welfare at the uppermost in his/her mind at all times. Do some research and insure that the attorney’s fees are fair.

Make sure that your attorney has a picture of the true nature of the narcissistic personality—his slick manipulations,intimidations,cruel plots and ruses, chronic obsessive lying, his convincing public image. Never underestimate how outrageous the narcissist can be and get away with it. He has been doing this all of his life.

Take yourself in hands. Reinforce your strength and solidity as a separate person who deserves respect and to be heard. Don’t be swayed by the negativity of others or those who try to scare you about your chances of being victorious. You are holding the truth in your mind and heart. Now you will give voice and testimony to this in the courtroom.

Going back to your attorney. Make sure your lawyer has a fine character. At the same time he/she must be unshakable—tough as nails. I have seen too many victims of narcissists being represented by ill prepared attorneys who were not completely committed to their clients.

Call on your support group. You only need one person who will stand by you all the way. If you are doing this alone,affirm to yourself that you will prevail ;you deserve the best outcome. After it is all over, congratulate yourself. You have faced down the villain in the piece and you have won. I call these individuals villainous because they destroy so many lives and get away with it. This time you are the victor. Congratulations! To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone consultation :united states and international
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Daddy’s Girls become Narcissistic Spouses

Narcissistic daddies often have favorite daughters. They pick a child who is their special narcissistic supply. Often she is beautiful, full of confidence, bright, an attention getter. From the beginning the narcissistic dad gives this child all of his attention—ignoring his other children. Narcissists are incapable of loving anyone genuinely. But in this case the narcissistic daddy’s girl is the ultimate narcissistic supply. She is the living emblem of her father’s perfect image. She is the prize, the golden girl, the one who is going to make her daddy shine. Sometimes there is an erotic tie between these fathers and daughters. Although there is no explicit sexual behavior between the two, one senses that a relationship that is charged with something beyond plain affection. This union continues throughout childhood. Often mother is jealous of this special relationship and feels hurt and left out. This is a pathological triangle. The narcissistic daughter defers to her father, knowing that she can get anything from him with just a flash of a smile, a tilt of the hip, a tiny wink.

Nothing is lost on these narcissistic daddy’s girls. They grow up and a large number of them become full fledged narcissistic women who victimize their spouses. The repetition has gone full circle. We now have a rampaging narcissistic female spouse making her husband’s life hellish. She is demanding, controlling, openly cruel, vindictive, demeaning. She constantly humiliates her husband and when she can’t get what she wants (which is everything) she returns to daddy, makes nice and nicer—and bingo—She’s gets exactly what she wanted and more. This pattern continues all of her life. She leaves many broken hearts and marriage behind her without a pinch of conscience or a backward glance. Protect yourself from narcissistic daddy’s girls. Research and learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Married to a Narcissist—Your Not His One and Only

When we marry someone we make a serious commitment to be loyal to them as a mate. That means not stepping out to have affairs, trysts, one night stands, etc. Narcissists are never true to any one person, especially a wife or husband. This is impossible for them since they feel entitled to sleep with, seduce, possess anyone they choose. They respond to their impulses and instincts regardless of their formal marital state. Marriage for a narcissist is like a business deal. They often choose a mate who will take them to the very top of social and business connections, being constantly in the spotlight. Narcissists are deceptive in every aspect of their lives. They lie reflexively, effortlessly. They are believable in their perfidies. Lies fly out of their mouths automatically. They have practiced deception and subterfuge all of their lives. Why would they be different in a marriage.

Some non-narcissistic spouses put up with this kind of betrayal throughout the marriage, thinking that the husband will change. This is not the case. Narcissists are a fixed personality disorder. They are entitled to do whatever they want. And guess what they get away with it most of the time! They break all of the rules, even when it hurts their spouses and children deeply They are selfish and completely incapable of empathy. Before you get deeply involved or married to a narcissist, research this severe personality disorder. If you are already married to a narcissist you may have to think seriously at some point about severing the relationship. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissistic Sister—Poor Little Me

Covert narcissistic sisters play the “poor little me” role in their families to wreak havoc with their non-narcissistic brothers and sisters. They start very early telling lies to the parents about their siblings and then playing the innocent role to the hilt. As they grow older they escalate their sabotage, causing great pain to all of their family members. They plot to take boyfriends away from their sisters by telling lies or revealing secrets or making up secrets. They are believable in their lying. Parents often make excuses for them:”Oh, she is shy and dependent; she is not capable of lying and being cruel; give her a chance; she’s unsure of herself; you have to be kind to her.” As she grows older the CNS becomes even bolder and as the parents age she becomes “indispensable” to them. In secret she gains their total confidence to the point of being in charge of all of their possessions—properties, investments, etc.
When the parents are gone, everything has been left to her– a pittance or less to the other children. Who’s saying “Poor Little Her” now! Covert narcissists can be difficult to detect. Do the research and you will learn to recognize them—They are to “good” to be true. To learn about the NPD in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Married to a Narcissist—Become Self Entitled and Self Nurturing

Narcissists are pathologically self entitled. Their spouses are under-entitled. Some of them are treated like servants and accept these roles for decades, even at the expense of their physical, emotional and psychological health. The non-narcissistic spouse often doesn’t know that he/she is married to such a seriously disturbed human being. They make excuses and blame themselves. After all, the narcissist is always finding fault with them rather than where it belongs—on them. Narcissists pick away at their husbands and wives, causing tremendous stress. Many of these victims suffer from extreme anxiety and depression. They are jumping out of their skins with worry, wondering when the next metal shoe will drop. “When will he start screaming at me again?” Will he wake me up again tonight and go into one of his tirades?” “Deep down I hate myself because I can’t fulfill his wishes and demands.” Over and over again are the self accusations that are propelled by the narcissist’s constant verbal attacks. In some instances there is physical abuse as well. This is all kept very secret due to the narcissist’s obsession with his golden image.

Once you have recognized that you are married to a narcissist you have a couple of options. You can try to stay in the marriage and learn how to remain psychologically distanced and detached from this person. That is very difficult. You can carve out a life of your own if that works with the marriage dynamics. Some couples do this. They are married in name only. The narcissistic spouse has a separate personal life. For most spouses it becomes impossible for them to stay married to the narcissist. They are becoming too depressed, stressed, terrified about the next foul display of rage. They decide to obtain a divorce. This is very scary but they learn that they are entitled to a life that belongs to them. Along the way some of them obtain quality psychotherapy and have the support of close friends to help them learn to self nurture and to recognize that they have value as unique individuals. After the divorce there is a healing process that takes place. This is not easy or automatic but so many ex-spouses of narcissists are so relieved that now they can take a deep breath, use their creative gifts, sleep through the night peacefully, voice their opinions openly and freely and celebrate their newly retrieved lives. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Winning the Battle with Narcissistic Family Members

We have increasing numbers of narcissistic personality disorders in our society today. Being a narcissist, especially if you are successful in your profession, are attractive, etc. has become almost expected in our social and work worlds. There are still many individuals with tremendous integrity whom we can trust and have great characters.

Some of our greatest challenges are with narcissists within our families. The first move is to learn to recognize these individuals as narcissistic personality disorders who are not going to change. When you do the research, you learn to identify them. Even though they are direct relatives or in-laws—uppermost they are narcissists. Other family members may continue to make excuses for their cruel, dismissive and outright abusive behaviors. That doesn’t mean that you have to give them a pass. I have known of family situations where every member except one, put up with their cruel pathology, were fearful to assert themselves and berated the one person who was holding the truth. If one individual out of thousands knows the truth —–it is still the truth. We live in a time of narcissistic delusion. People are blinded by the burnished image that the narcissist perpetuates, his/her overwhelming “charm”, all of the promises that he makes and often the worldly success he has achieved. None of this makes this person a good human being. I have known of a number of family members who, despite all of the pressure placed on them, severed the relationship with this toxic human being. They were castigated, criticized and thought to be strange by other family members but they had to live with their truth and remove themselves from this deep level of psychopathology. Don’t let other people pressure you and take away your clear perceptions that a family members is a destructive narcissist. Keep your safe distance from them and when necessary remove your contact with them. There is nothing you can do to change them. They are psychologically poisonous and their constant inflammatory projections create a corrosive atmosphere. You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. What other people think and many are misguided about this pathology, doesn’t matter. What you know deep inside about the nature of the narcissist in your family and other narcissists is what counts. Trust what you know is true. Take care of yourself and those close to you. Protect and cherish one another. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Are You Being Bought Off by a Narcissistic Spouse

There is an old saying: “Every man has his price.” Most people would never admit that they can be morally and personally compromised if they are promised the right deal—everything that fulfills their deepest wishes and desires. When we are talking about narcissists they are fascinated by this kind of game. Male and female narcissists love the excitement of the chase. Whom can they seduce? Who will bow to their perfection and superiority? They are so self assured that it can be nauseating. Narcissists are constantly surveying their environments for attractive people who can enhance their image or fill their pocket books or add to the luster of their social and professional connections.

It is very difficult to say “no” to a consummate charmer, a gorgeous or handsome man or woman that has all the pieces, who comes with a stellar portfolio. Narcissists are quick to make up their minds and zero in on those whom they know they can quickly seduce, control and manipulate. There are whirl wind courtships that add the breathless excitement that narcissists thrive on.

Once the marital union has taken place, the non-narcissistic partner may be living in a golden haze or a light trance from which he or she does not want to be awakened. In the early stages your wish is immediately satisfied, whether it is material possessions, travel, thrilling surprises, special gifts. The narcissist is skilled at eroding your will to think independently and trust your feelings. As the months turn into years a pattern in the relationship is more predictable. The cracks in the narcissist’s mask are much more apparent. Sometimes–this honeymoon period is much shorter. Some spouses are in total denial and will never acknowledge that they have been thoroughly used and exploited and that their lives are a living hell that doesn’t belong to them.

There are moments of insight in which the spouse recognizes that he or she has be bought off for what? Lifestyle, material possessions, financial security, the company of well connected socially prominent friends, trips, surprise gifts. I know of situations with narcissistic spouses where the non narcissistic partner realized that she was being used for image purposes alone, that her husband was cheating on her with several women. In several cases the narcissistic husband offered a handsome sum of cash and other incentives to keep the “marriage intact.” This is not a marriage; it is a business arrangement.

Is it worth your peace of mind, the high level of stress that has brought you to the point of physical and psychological breakdown to stay with this severe personality disorder? Is the price worth the damage you have sustained and the dangerous precipice you are facing? For some spouses it appears to be worth it. They have paid the price and are willing to stay with this destructive pattern that leaves them without a life that belongs to them.
Others say: “STOP! I can’t do this to myself any more. Living with this cruel, manipulative, liar is destroying my life. The price is my life. I will take back what is left, sever the relationship and move forward.” This can be achieved. Many report that they are very relieved, that their stress levels have plummeted, that no one is telling them what to do or threatening them in the middle of the night. They now are the authors of their own lives. Their creativity and sense of self is expanding and deepening. The don’t have a price. They are psychologically free, emotionally open and are moving down a path of discovery, mutual understanding, creativity and inner peace. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com