Linda Martinez-Lewi PhD - The Narcissist In Your Life

Sociopathic Narcissists Harm Their Children

The sociopathic narcissist appears in innumerable disguises. Since childhood they are been refining a persona that is magnetic, charming and irresistible to others. They study human nature, understand emotional vulnerabilities and know precisely whom and when to attract those individuals who will fulfill their wishes and desires. Early on this child learned directly from the parent, that life was all about winning in all of its forms–money, prestige, praise, fame, material acquisitions, competing and winning at the top tiers of power. There are parents who program their small children to become successful, compete and defeat others who are in their way and teach them to be ruthless and uncaring as long as they reach their goals. Children are taught to take a “no prisoners” attitude about other human beings. If someone cannot perform for you and get you directly to your goal, discard them. If they are in your way, make their life so miserable that they can no longer compete with you. If they persist, find cunning methods to destroy their reputations, financial security and emotional well being. These lessons are taught early and they resonate deeply in the child.

Some children of sociopathic narcissists have access to an inner part of themselves who intuitively knows that what the parent is demanding of them is wrong and inconsistent with their own nature. I have heard many stories of grown children who bucked the narcissistic parent and suffered the consequences. They were quickly discarded psychologically and cut permanently out of the family circle.

The spouse of the sociopathic narcissist is often complicit through her psychological weakness, her addiction to a certain lifestyle and her fear of being cast out of paradise. She is so distressed and feels incapable of leading an independent life, that she colludes with the sociopathic narcissist who controls the family.

Some children in these families become sociopathic narcissists like mom or dad. After all, this is the family tradition and heritage. They often learn to outdo the parent and become even more ruthless, unethical and conniving than their original teacher. Children in these families who do not follow the “winning at any cost” rules are left on their own without support of any kind. Mother or father won’t pay for their educations, demeans them constantly and undermine their individuality and creativity. The pain that these discarded children suffer is extreme. Many of them leave home early in their midteens to look for ways to survive. They are estranged from the siblings that went along with the narcissistic parent, These siblings despise the ones who were cast out and do everything they can to make their lives miserable. There is no opportunity for a “prodigal son or daughter” reunion with the narcissistic parent. The familial doors have been locked and the compound is sealed off.

Those who survive the sociopathic narcissistic parent have a long hard scrabble road ahead of them. I have communicated with these adult children. They endured many psychological and monetary harsh winters of striving to just get the bare necessities. For many, the wounds of childhood are still raw and painful. Others persevere through arduous work and schooling (every cent paid by them alone) to achieve their professional goals. As adults many of these individuals have difficulty finding partners who are supportive and empathic. Some fall in love with narcissists and sociopathic narcissists. They end up repeating the torments of childhood. This demonstrates the depth of pain the child of such parents experienced. They were never protected or cherished or felt special and valued. It is not surprising that they would find partners who would treat them with disrespect, cruelty and contempt.

Some of these adult children break the cycle of self harm and sever their relationship with the sociopathic narcissist. They redefine themselves, develop a sense of self entitlement and renew themselves as individuals who have moved beyond the pain of their family of origin and into a life that they deserve where there is hope, self initiative, inner peace and psychological and emotional freedom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

What You Don’t Know About the Narcissist Can Harm You

You and the narcissist may share the same time and space in a family, business or marriage but you are planets apart.The narcissist thrives in a world of delusion of his/her making. The narcissist’s visions of reality are grandiose, skewed to an absolute belief in his superiority. He holds ultimate power and control over others through manipulations, deceits and chronic lying. We may not recognize that the individual we are meeting is a narcissist, especially if he/she is masterful at playing his roles. If you do not react the way he perceives you will, he is very adept at switching to another character in his drama. All of this is a convincing act but fraudulent.

Narcissists don’t change; their personality structure is rigid and very unlikely to change..
Narcissists generally don’t benefit from psychotherapy because they are certain that the problem(s) originates and is being driven by others—spouses, children, siblings, business associates. The narcissist believes he is flawless; the difficulty is with others not him. If you cross the narcissist, at times he/she will relentlessly pursue you. They go to war in certain situations. It is particularly ugly in divorce proceedings, division of property and material possessions and custody decisions.

In extreme instances the narcissist decides that he/she can wreck you life on every level—personal and professional. Narcissists always know that they will win. They persuasively lie to everyone, including judges, therapists and lawyers. Their confidence overflows with hubris. Without a conscience they throw threats, intimidations, defamations of character where ever they might stick. They often get away with their outrageous and destructive behaviors. Many narcissists present themselves as victims and convince many people through the fine art of lying. They have been practicing perfidy since they were children.

Learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder. It is well worth doing your homework.
The earlier you identify a narcissist, the greater the edge you have in either avoiding this individual or giving yourself a head start on dealing with this person.
Trust and deepen your intuition—that quality that tells us the truth directly and accurately.
If you are dealing with a narcissist, learn to detach your feelings from their psychological bait.
Practice some form of quieting your body/mind—yoga, restorative yoga, meditation, tai chi, etc. This will provide you with powerful techniques for grounding yourself.
Always remember that the narcissist is projecting his/her venom and other contents of the unconscious most of the time. This is the narcissist’s noxious unconscious remnants. They do not belong to you.
Learn to detach from the narcissist’s histrionics. These individuals are waiting for you to overreact. Maintain your sense of emotional equilibrium so they will not have you as a target. Don’t share any of your deep feelings with the narcissist. He or she will use them to manipulate your vulnerabilities.
Appreciate your uniqueness and your entitlement to lead a life of inner peace, meaningful relationships with those who appreciate you and the expansion of your creativity.
Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Stop Playing the Role of Narcissistic Supply

A narcissistic supply feeds the narcissist’s hungry ego. Narcissistic supplies come in many forms: praise, adulation, high social status, wealth, beauty, handsomeness, athletic prowess, celebrity. The narcissist chooses certain people to come into his/her life and act as ego boosting, narcissistic supplies. With this other individual at his side, he believes that his elaborate image will score even higher points in the world. The narcissists who succeed with money and power are highly prized by those in this present self-obsessed society. The media idolizes and reward narcissists as do large swaths of the business and professional world. If a narcissist is at a high enough level he or she can get away with almost anything.

The narcissist cannot have an authentic relationship with another human being. People to him are objects to be manipulated, seduced and exploited for their value to him. The narcissist perceived other individuals as part of him that will enhance and enrich his image and status in the world. Narcissists uses spouses, partners and their own children as supplies.

If you are picked by a narcissist to be his/her partner or spouse, it is vital to be aware that this person is incapable of having a genuine psychologically intimate relationship. Regardless of the persuasiveness of his act that gravitates you to him, the narcissist has no intention nor is he capable of sustaining a loving reciprocal relationship. He is a masterful actor and leads many to believe that he loves them deeply. But this is part of his elaborate act to maintain his control over you and to keep his ego supplies well stocked.

To protect yourself from the narcissist, learn about every detail of this personality disorder. If you have finally recognized that this individual is a narcissist and cannot truly love or appreciate who you are, distance yourself from this person. The best action is to sever this “relationship”, deal with your painful feelings of sadness, regret and broken hopes and to move forward with your life rather than remain a living accoutrement of his/hers. The work of ending these relationships may be helped with high quality psychotherapy as well as healing modalities: gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, the deep caring of a few close friends. You deserve to lead your life as an individual who respects and values herself and is treated in this manner. You are unique and valuable. Get in touch with those facets of yourself. Give yourself credit from the journey you have made from playing the role of narcissistic supply to leading your life fully and freely as a separate authentic human being. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Healing from the Narcissistic Mother

I hear from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers. Their psychological pain is particularly poignant. As children they feel inadequate and confused, returning many times to mother for the love and contact she is incapable of giving. They don’t understand that a narcissistic mother lives for herself alone. Even as very small children mother is emotionally distanced. I have communicated with many children of narcissistic mothers who remember that mother was always unavailable—night and day. She was a very “busy” woman. Some of these children were raised by nannies or put in day care when they were tiny infants. Mother couldn’t wait to take them off of her hands. With friends mother bragged about her wonderful children. In family pictures and during holidays there were public displays of the “happy family”, the “loving mother” and her beautiful children. This is the image that mother insisted on presenting to her friends and the world. Image replaces reality for the narcissist.

Within the walls of their home, mother treated these children with coldness, dismissiveness, constant criticisms. Often she would fly into volcanic rage over the smallest issue. If mother got stirred up she projected her venom on to her children. Narcissistic mothers often pit one child against the other. These enmities between siblings can last a lifetime. If the narcissistic mother chooses a favorite child who is a psychological twin, the rest of the children are treated as inferior and worthless. The narcissistic mother colludes with the golden child, providing him/her with every educational opportunity. He/she is the recipient of all the praise, entitlement and raised to a position of prominence in the family. I have heard of homes that were filled with trophies or certificates earned by the golden child throughout the years. His/her siblings were required to look up to this chosen child and to obey them. These situations can turn very ugly. The chosen child can inflict severe psychological damage on his siblings. They are often threatened and intimidated and treated with severe humiliation.

Healing begins with the recognition that your mother was/is a narcissist. This is not your fault; you are a victim of narcissistic abuse. You cannot change this mother. Her personality structure is fixed and rigid. You can change you understanding and perception of her and yourself. Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you were strong enough to survive maternal narcissistic abuse. That is an incredible achievement. Be patient with yourself. You will heal. Give yourself the space and time to do this. You will find others who have suffered this mother wound. Some find comfort and understanding in support groups or find close friends who share similar backgrounds. In some cases psychotherapy is helpful in dealing with these issues. Be sure that the therapist has a deep understanding of the narcissistic personality disorder. Practice calming the mind and body through gentle yoga with emphasis on calming breath, various forms of meditation including guided meditation and other healing modalities. Know that you will reclaim your life. There is a powerful force inside of you that has been waiting all of this time to reclaim your individuality and the inner peace that you deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Staying Married to a Sociopathic Narcissist for the Lifestyle-Not Good for Anyone II

Sociopathic narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder but are further along the spectrum to being sociopaths. They are self absorbed, highly manipulative, chronic liars, lead double and triple lives and have absolutely no empathy (They fake it very well.) Women are drawn to them and often find them irresistible. These men (and there are female sociopathic narcissists) are so clever that they have fooled many psychotherapists. Sociopathic narcissists are often obsessed with wealth–obtaining it, removing it from others and growing it to increase their power in the world. Many of those who today are standouts in our societal and political system are sociopathic narcissists. They know how to play every angle and loophole of the law, surrounded by a cadre of clever lawyers who know exactly how to play the legal system. They spend hundreds of thousands of dollar each year to make sure that they can sue whoever is getting in their way.

Women who marry these pathological individuals often do so without realizing it. That’s how charming and convincing they are. Sociopathic narcissists are consummate actors and facilely move from one part to the next. They can be philanthropic if it suits their image and will provide them with essential narcissistic supplies of praise and adulation.

In the home they are tyrants. Some women make the deal with the devil and stay married to them because they are leading a life on the surface that is filled with the excitement of living at the top tier of the social ladder. It is very tempting to have a public image that is admired, to be friends with the movers and shakers, to know that you are beyond financially secure and that your investments, trusts and portfolio will expand and bulge.

From a psychological perspective, this picture is not so lovely. Those who marry sociopathic narcissists will eventually experience the sharp, ugly, treacherous side of this personality. Once the bright sparkle has come off of the marriage, the sociopathic narcissist reveals his fangs and they are sharp and ready to tear without mercy. When this spouse is no longer intrigued with you and you cannot supply him any longer, you become the enemy is despises and intends to vanquish. Spouses on the receiving end speak of endless tirades, dreadful humiliations, demands for perfection and even apologies (for what–being human) Some women decide that they must stay in the marriage to protect the children and the family. They don’t realize the severe psychological damage this causes their children. A child would rather have one loving parent in reduced material circumstances than be trapped in a family from hell with a sociopathic narcissist. I have heard too many stories on this theme and know that children choose love, protection and caring over anything material.

If you are in the process about considering a divorce from a sociopathic narcissist, take time to research your plan of action. Interview attorneys, Ask the hard questions that will indicate if they are qualified to work for you and get the best result for you and your children. Tune in carefully and ask questions that will reveal if the lawyer you have chosen understands how sociopathic narcissists operate. Make sure your attorney has the knowledge, understanding of the dark edge of human nature and the courage to represent you. It is worth interviewing several attorneys. I know of so many women who were so stressed that they didn’t take this time and settled for someone who took their money and didn’t represent them and the interests of their children.

When you are free from living in the psychological prison of the sociopathic narcissist, you will be surprised at the changes in your thought patterns, sleep patterns, the calming of your nervous systems, the blooming of your creativity and most important—how your children are now able to live each day free from the moment to moment constraints and anxieties that their narcissistic father/mother placed on them constantly. Take credit for your courage and strength of will to travel this road to psychological and emotional freedom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists have double standards

Narcissists have “standards” for themselves and different one’s for others, especially those who are not within their privileged inner circle. The narcissist experiences himself as perfect regardless of all of his/her shortcomings, malicious acts, chronic lies, hurtful manipulations and belittling of those who are in disfavor.
This often includes their family members: spouses,children, siblings and those whom they view as rivals they are plotting to defeat. If the narcissist becomes fixated on you because he knows in advance what you can do to enhance his image or fatten his pocketbook and stock portfolio, for a while you are the answer to his dreams and desires. Once he has deluded you and gotten what he has wanted, you are discarded in exchange for someone else whom he fancies will fulfill another grand delusion. If you area married to a narcissist you know how it works with them. They are always right, perfect, without mistake and you are always wrong (even when you are incredibly competent).

When you are a child growing up in a narcissistic household you must do what is necessary to survive.When you are grown and begin to recognize the narcissist as a severe personality disorder, you will recognize with research and your own observations that these individuals are incapable of any real relationships. Narcissists always live by double standards. If you are living with one of these disturbed individuals it becomes necessary in many instances to sever your contact with them. After going through this process which is often difficult and takes a lot of perseverance, you find yourself in charge of your own life, enjoying the freedom of your personal thoughts and feelings and an upsurge in your unique creativity and your pathway to inner peace and personal growth. Visit my website www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Free from Your Narcissistic Mother-True to Yourself

Good mothers allow their children to be themselves—to be authentic and real. They are not threatened by a child who does not agree with the parent’s every thought and opinion. Narcissistic mothers vary in their styles—not in their natures and basic characters. They are solely obsessed with their perfect image, getting all of their needs and desires met, being the center of attention and controlling others. These traits are the opposite of being a good mother. When you are the small child of a narcissistic mother, you have to go along with the demands placed on you in order to survive. Despite a child’s age, he or she is often able to detect that there is something fundamentally wrong with mother. She is demanding, cold, distant, manipulative and unwilling to allow her children to be genuine and free to express their true selves. Small children in these situations are virtual prisoners in their own homes.

As children of narcissistic mothers grow and become aware that they are being treated with cruelty and dismissiveness, recognize that this environment is psychologically unhealthy. They find outlets of study, good friends whom they can trust and spend time away from the home which has become a lock down prison.

As adults some daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers repeat the patterns of childhood by marrying narcissistic spouses. This is most unfortunate but does occur quite often. Those who have been able to preserve enough mental, emotional and psychological independence are capable of thinking for themselves. They clearly recognize that they can no longer blame themselves for being the child of a narcissistic mother. These children follow their powers of observation, the pain of their maternal experiences and the need to know the truth about themselves and their disturbed parent. Many of them come to the conclusion that there is nothing they can do to change the narcissistic mother. This is clinically the case.

Some children have sufficient psychological and emotional stamina and will to separate and distance themselves from the narcissistic mother. They find other adults who are protective of them and respect and honor their authenticity. These are often adult family members who protect the child from the corrosive effects of narcissism. Many children grow up and finally recognize that they were never allowed to be their true selves, that they were manipulated and treated cruelly as a result of their psychologically disturbed parent and that this is not their doing or their fault. Some seek quality psychotherapy and heal the narcissistic mother wound. They now stand on the strength and grounding of their authenticity. They have come full circle—free from the obstructive oppression of the narcissistic mother and now true to themselves. This is a great victory that deserves our respect and understanding. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Men are Fickle and Duplicitous with Women

High level narcissists are expert jugglers of the women in their lives. Like the great acrobats at the cirque d’ soleil they are capable of juggling from one relationship to another without creating a stir or a suspicion. Many of them are married several times. That doesn’t satisfy them. They have girlfriends on the side and one night stands for the thrill, brief affairs. It’s a wonder they can remember the names of the women they entertain and bed. The pursuit of the woman or women who give them a sexual rush is the thrill that they are seeking. They are entranced for a while, then move on. In some cases a special woman will come into their lives whom the narcissist views as a source of ultimate narcissistic supply. She is wealthy, has high level business and social connections, very attractive if not downright gorgeous and has come to adore the narcissist. This is a winning combination for him. It often propel him into a second, third or fourth marriage especially if this beauty is a lot younger than he. The stage is perfectly set to create another family that will create an image of the narcissist as vital, virile and youthful. Many of these men have children from previous marriages that are older than the current new wife. Narcissists are shameless. They luxuriate in the pleasures of younger flesh and a new adoring woman who will worship at their throne. The children produced are a great source of narcissistic supply, providing the narcissist with a deluded sense that he will live forever.

Today’s society reinforces these behaviors if the narcissist is a prominent figure. The media is thrilled to photograph the new chosen woman. Media is all about image as is the narcissist. They are happy partners with one another.

Protect yourself from becoming charmed by the narcissist to the point that you are enthralled enough to give your life to him. It is worth studying this pathological personality disorder in detail. These insensitive, infantile, fickle character disorders are growing within a current society that has become more shallow, materialistic, self absorbed and unempathic. You deserve so much better–a man who is genuine, has insight and compassion and is capable of real love and devotion. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Stepmothers-Ultimate Nightmare for their Step Children

There are tales of wicked stepmothers going back hundreds of years. Ancient fairy tales tell the truth of their nature. There are step mothers who are wonderful parents to their step children. I am talking about those who are narcissists.

Narcissistic step mothers cause emotional chaos and psychological distress within the family. When they have children with their new spouse, they often cut off the original family, the children of their spouse’s first family. Narcissistic step mothers are cunning and clever, appearing to be considerate and cooperative with the new family constellation. But they have the upper hand over their spouse. The narcissistic wife slows turns turns very ugly. She has hatched a plan to rule over all of the children and to ultimately control her husband. She caters to this man to making sure that she is indispensable to him, that he cannot make decisions without her. Eventually, these husbands capitulate their control and decision making. They go along with their wife’s wishes on the children of the second marriage. When the husband is highly successful, the second or third wife becomes obsessed with the heady lifestyle, controlling money properties and all assets. The narcissistic stepmother is exceedingly greedy. She favors and give her biological children with her spouse every material advantage. The children of the first marriage have to fend for themselves without the aid of their parent. The narcissistic step mother has won the battle. She is now in charge of everyone.

Don’t wait for the narcissistic stepmother to change. This is a pathologically fixed personality disorder. Study these individuals intently. It is vital that you protect and separate yourself from them. Work changing yourself. Respect your strengths, creativity, the blooming of your potential and every aspect of your unique personality. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Spouses of Narcissists-Narrowing All of Your Life Options

You cannot be the spouse of a narcissist and be free to be yourself. I don’t care how independent and talented you are. The narcissist takes space in certain crevices of the mind and heart that cannot be overlooked. Even those with concentration and focus are disturbed on some level by sharing their lives with a narcissistic personality disorder. They nibble away at our hope, creativity and optimism. They are not only completely self absorbed, they insist on taking chunks of us, picking here and there. For spouses who are more dependent and vulnerable, they can leave this person completely helpless, unable to make their own decisions, immobilized psychologically.

Narcissists emotionally and mentally drain those close to them. They suck life out of their children, creating little narcissists out of those whom they think have the best inherent material. They weaken, deride, humiliate and endeavor to psychologically annihilate the ones who don’t come up to their standards. Those left behind, when they survive, can become very strong, individuated and creative. They have been through the worst, having a parent who was incapable of loving them authentically but now they are overcoming this and fulfilling their dreams and potential.

Those who stay with narcissists in endless empty marriages continue to narrow their life options. Always in the back of the their minds they are wondering what he or she is going to demand of them next. It’s like constantly fighting a rip tide. There are no breaks, no respite. The narcissist will never change. Many spouses make rationalizations about the “good times”—the lifestyle, the excitement of having lovely possessions, the romantic thrall of the narcissistic partner, the over the top promises, the dreams spun of pure gold, the going to the heights fantasies that linger in the mind. This is the delusion that the narcissist sells to his/her spouse.

As the years go by—sharing them with a narcissist– becomes more difficult to keep your life options free and creative. Many spouses wake up–sometimes on the brink of a psychological or physical breakdown and finally know that they must get out, even if they have to leave everything behind them. I have communicated with many spouses who have been through this process. It is difficult and and can be frightening. Recognize that as you move through this, there is a part of you that has been screaming at the top of your lungs to be free. After the formal proceedings are over, your time will come. You will return to your original self and find that you beginning to walk, then jog, then run toward all the opportunities that have been waiting for you. Now you have the wind at your back. Enjoy the beautiful view and breathe in glorious freedom. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com