Our hearts are drawn quickly and beat fiercely with someone who is irresistible. That often is the narcissistic man or woman these days. They have our numbers, are often very attractive and compelling. They give us so much attention in the beginning. The narcissist always wants something from us and it is not ultimately our welfare or peace of mind, or our creative, psychological or spiritual growth.
There is a strong human tendency to repeat patterns of behavior, especially those that are hurtful to us. Many children of narcissistic parents marry narcissists. Children have no choice of their parents. Many of them feel that they were to blame for their narcissistic parent’s disapproval and abuse of them. It is not unusual for them to step into a marriage to someone who has fooled them completely with a grandiose false self full of self confidence and who appears to care deeply about them.
If you have already gone through the hell of divorcing your narcissistic spouse some time ago and now you are suspecting that your intended man or woman is a narcissist, remember what you learned the first round about the characteristics of the NPD:
1. Narcissists are often attractive and very self confident. They are clever actors who convince others that they truly care about them.
2. Narcissists are consumed by their perfect image. If you notice that this person with whom you are thinking “marriage” is fixated on his/her external image over substance, that is a big red flag.
3. Does this individual over promise? Is he or she very grandiose and could possibly be delusional?
4. Is he or she the Golden Boy or Golden Girl in the family? Not all of these GBs and GGs are narcissists but many are. Watch the family dynamics and pay attention to the adoration of mom and/or dad.
5. Does your intended let it slip that he or she enjoys being ruthless with others and doesn’t value anyone who is not successful in the world?
6. Does this person lack true empathy? –the genuine capacity to put yourself emotionally and psychologically in another person’s place. Are they skilled at pseudo empathy?
7. How often are you catching him/her in lies? Narcissists are gifted liars. Lying for them is as automatic as breathing.
8. If he or she is too good to be true, pay close attention to your intuition. Be receptive to these precious messages. This gift is with us throughout our lives. The more we use intuition, the more powerful it becomes.
9. Narcissistic personalities are not inclined to change.After all they believe they are perfect and live in a delusion of their own making. Take a long look at the person with whom you are planning to share your life. Remember what you have suffered and endured with the last narcissistic spouse and in some cases the narcissistic parent. Know that you are wise and will make the right decision.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life will be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013
Comment: From Cindy
I read this and see my son in law so clearly. Once you know the signs it is easier to spot these individuals. The problem is that until they start to destroy your life we tend to gloss over the signs. Unfortunately, I see the signs in my grandchild too. It is almost as if she is being groomed. And as you point out, the other grandchild is left behind. Forgotten. Ignored. At 5 her spark is already diminishing. And yet she fights back. Passively. I hope she can carry this through to adulthood. I file your messages away until the day my daughter sees the light and asks for help. Until then we sit back and wait. Our prior interference has caused us to be sidelined for a couple of years. As we are gradually allowed limited access we watch, and wait. Thank you for all of your posts.