Month: November 2012

I recently observed a scene at a post office that I found to be both disturbing and revealing. At the front of the line, a mother was holding a carrier which contained a tiny infant. I am assuming that this was a mother and her new born child. The baby wailed during the entire time that the mother was there. The mother made no eye contact with the baby. She was preoccupied with obtaining passport papers. When the sounds from the carrier became more intense she picked up the handles and mechanically swinged the container back and forth in a careless fashion. The baby continued to wail with plaintive, raw cries that didn’t have the tone of hunger but one of desperation. The baby stopped for short periods of time, gathered its strength and resumed his pleas. At no time did the mother acknowledge the presence of the infant or make any effort to remove the baby from the carrier to comfort or minister to it. She was on a mission that would not be interrupted, even by her distressed newborn child.

I thought about this incident and how much it metaphorically reminds me of the suffering of children of narcissistic mothers.
The narcissistic mother cares only about herself and her life. Her child is a narcissistic supply, a kind of commodity from whom she receives narcissistic supplies (ego satisfactions) Although many of these mothers appear to take care for their children (feed, clothe them), genuine emotional attachment is non-existent.

A particular child can be chosen as a result of his/her physical attractiveness, intelligence, winning personality, athletic or artistic gifts, to be special as a perfect mirror of the perfection of the narcissistic mother. Another sibling is treated dismissively as it he didn’t exist. Some children of narcissistic mothers become the receptacle for her primitive, aggressive, hateful projections. They are constantly criticized and punished. Nothing that they do, say or accomplish is acknowledged, only ridiculed. The narcissistic mother has a “relationship” with her child “based on manipulation not love and respect.” “A narcissistic parent is incapable of empathy, the ability to understand or care about how someone else is feeling…A life dedicated exclusively to self cannot encompass a genuine love of one’s (child)”

Some children of narcissistic mothers follow a pattern of entering into dysfunctional, painful relationships with partners who have many of the personality characteristics of their mothers. Those who become aware of this destructive pattern and obtain professional help are able to grieve the loss of not having a mother who genuinely loved them as an individual. Through the hard work of the healing process, children of narcissistic mothers can learn to appreciate their individuality, their unique identities and gifts, the child deep inside of them and begin life anew. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@gmail.com

If an adult chooses to remain in a marriage to a narcissist, that is her prerogative. When you have a child with a narcissistic parent, you are the responsible party. I understand that in many instances the marital partner is unaware that she is married to a narcissist. The purpose of my blog is to inform readers about the true nature of narcissists so they can identify them and deal with them. I have spoken to clients who were unaware for years that they married a narcissistic personality and kept blaming themselves or trying to change this individual. Narcissistic personalities are most unlikely to change. They have no reason to since they believe that they are perfect and superior and that everyone else, including their immediate family, is flawed and inadequate. Some women decide that it is better and they tell themselves, easier, to stay with a narcissistic husband than to take the risk of leaving that can mean facing financial instability and the perils of re-starting their lives alone. When a woman has children with a narcissist, this is a game changer. One way or the other the narcissistic father will have a variation of negative psychological and emotional effects on his child. No amount of good mothering within a narcissistic family constellation will erase every bit of damage that the narcissistic father imposes on his child. For him, the child is an object, a narcissistic supply he can use to inflate his ego. If the child does not fit his qualifications because he or she is not bright enough, beautiful or handsome, talented, etc. , the narcissistic parent will neglect and ignore this child or worse, make him or her the target of his aggressive verbal attacks. If the father finds that his child can be become a vital source of ego gratification due to his winning personality, attractiveness, intellect, etc., he will cater to this child. In some instances the fusion of the child with the narcissistic father is strong enough to create a narcissistic son or daughter despite the mother’s influence.

If you know that your spouse is a narcissist and you continue to expose your children to his psychopathology, think carefully about your options. I have found that many clients decide that they can no longer risk the day to day exposure of their children to this level of pathological toxicity. Doing what is right for our children is never easy—but it is necessary. We gave birth to them and in that act and onward we are responsible for nurturing and protecting them on every level. The course ahead may be difficult. Keepng the welfare of your children in the front of your mind is a compelling motivator. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Some narcissists use lawsuits as a form of communication. Say “No” to a narcissist enough times by word and/or deed (especially when you are right and telling the truth) and if you refuse to comply to his outrageous demands, he/she will sue you. The narcissist must always get his way. There are narcissists equipped with small armies of attorneys who are ready at any time to initiate a legal suit against their “enemies.” Narcissists are infamous for hiring legal experts who will find the precise loophole that they can use to destroy your valid case against them. When you try to fight this, they threaten to counter sue, knowing there is no way that you cannot afford to lawyer-up sufficiently to win your case. This is a stark injustice but true.

Limit your interactions with narcissists. This is quite a challenge; we live in a world populated by a growing number of these personality disorders. Assess if the narcissist you are dealing with has a history of initiating unjust lawsuits. Learn how to skillfully identify the narcissistic personality so you know the kind of individual you have on your hands. If you must respond to a narcissist through the legal system, be sure that your attorney is not only highly experienced in a specific area of the law, but in addition has solid knowledge of and experience in dealing with narcissistic personalities. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissistic style has been co-opted by a growing part of the American population. The media and entertainment business, the powerful influence of peers on growing children and the lack of true quality time given to their children by some parents are all part of this equation. People do not have to have children today. They can make the choice to live without producing children or choosing marriage. These are respectable and truthful decisions individuals can make. There is still a residue of scorn and even suspicion felt by some toward those who make these personal choices.

There is a collective self absorption and selfishness that has become the norm in many circles. There is an absence of sensitivity to the needs and suffering of others, especially those who are judged as not fitting in to an elite group. Their differentness is derided and scorned through gossip and shunning.

There is a deep fissure, a social and psychological divide that is growing exponentially. If you are materially successful, have all the right contacts, and present an image of external perfection, you are preferred even chosen. If you don’t have the impeccable image, the high professional status, you don’t make the cut. Large swaths of today’s society have been taken over by narcissists and their deluded followers.

Grandiosity, lack of conscience, ruthlessness, lack of empathy, deception and manipulation have become tools rather than bad character traits. This is especially the case with sociopathic narcissists–those individuals who have the narcissistic personality structure and also share many characteristics of the sociopath. These traits include a careless disregard for other human beings, including chronic extreme verbal abuse and stress perpetrated upon spouses and children. Sociopathic narcissists purposely seek out ways to delude and control those who will profit them materially, socially and professionally. They are gifted at leaving others “holding the bag” while they abscond with the profits of some else’s labors. Leaving another person’s life in shambles or even their entire family is of no concern or interest to the sociopathic narcissist who has adroitly moved ahead to his/her next cycle of acquisition and control.

I am in communication with a number of victims of narcissistic abuse. There is a callousness in sociopathic narcissists that overrides any authentic human feeling. In fact if you get in their way, don’t pay attention to the cues that are speaking to you clearly, they will cut you down professionally and emotionally. Sociopathic narcissists are rarely brought to justice. They surround themselves with covens of cunning attorneys who do their bidding around the clock.

Human nature is both dark and sublime. There are individuals alive today who are giving, selfless, warm, empathic and such a joy that they bring a great light into our lives. We are psychologically held by their deep authenticity and boundless personal generosity. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissist with his/her elaborate image of smooth self confidence, excessive self entitlement and an ability to manipulate others to bend to his will, appears to moving ahead in life at full speed. Continually in restless movement, making one business deal after another, influencing social and professional associates to invest in his projects, having a list of followers who admire and praise him, one would think that he/she is progressing at warp speed. If we judge the narcissist by his level of activity, it appears that he is always accelerating toward greater success.

Inside the narcissist’s psyche, this individual is a false deluded self. The real self of the narcissist is regressed back to early childhood. When we observe the narcissist at very close range, we are aware of this profound regression.This is evident from their attitudes and behaviors. The narcissistic rage that pours forth from them, the lack of psychological boundaries that overstep respect for others, the ruthlessness to obtain what he wants and must have at great price to others, the complete lack of empathy, the constant acts of deception, the lack of conscience—all of these traits tell us about the narcissist’s true nature. The narcissistic personality is a fixed personality disorder that is most unlikely to changed. At their core they are incapable in getting in touch with their authentic selves and therefore of evolving and moving toward psychological growth.

Those who have been involved with the narcissist—as children of a narcissistic parent, siblings of narcissistic brothers and sisters, married to and divorced by narcissistic spouses—have experienced a horrendous long ordeal at the mercy of the narcissist’s psychopathology. As you move each day to heal yourself, you are freed to grow and thrive in every aspect of your being: psychologically, mentally, physically and spiritually (in the way you define this concept) You have fought to maintain an authentic sense of self. The path ahead without the narcissist is welcoming you to now move forward with your life with renewed purpose, the flowering of your unique gifts, the freeing of your emotional expression, a sense of mental spaciousness and inner quietness. You are growing, moving forward every moment. Your horizons are expanded and open to every possibility. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists beneath it all are cowards and phonies. Despite their psychological shallowness they perpetrate tremendous damage on other human beings—emotional, financial, mental. Pernicious lying, deceptions and manipulations are part of their psychological dna. For most narcissists their image is uppermost in their minds at all times. How they appear to others, how many followers they are accumulating, how much praise and adulation they are receiving and how wonderful people believe they are—these are their touchstones. I have communicated with many of those who were married to narcissists who were stunned by their partner’s ability to maintain a pristine public image while privately causing severe trauma, emotional distress and even terror to members of his/her family, business partners, etc.

Narcissists who succeed in the world preserve their pristine images by having favored members of their tight inner circle do their dirty work. Whether it is bringing down a business competitor by stealth and intimidation, using corps of attorneys to break down a former spouse who is asking for child support and custody arrangements, narcissists find the best follower, the most devoted—to carry out their malicious goals. I have had contact with many of their victims, especially their discarded and broken spouses, partners and children. The damage that they do is immeasurable. Part of the insidious problem is that the current culture rewards narcissistic behaviors–“I’ve got mine; the hell with you.” The narcissistic style of acting superior, being over-entitled and a laser focus on outward appearance and “image” has become pervasive in many stratas of our culture today.

Those who have survived the narcissist and are prevailing by moving forward with their lives despite all of the pain they are suffered, deserve our deep respect and empathy. These individuals are real. They come without facade, artifice or hidden agendas. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

There is a personality disorder spectrum from pathological narcissism to sociopathy. The kind of sociopath I speak of doesn’t personally attack another person with mortal physical force. From his point of view that would be absurd, ineffective and put him in prison. The high level sociopath destroys people slowly with pseudo empathy and feigned kindness. That is the demonic genius of the high level sociopath. He takes you into his confidence. Some people fall in love with these individuals and no matter what harm they have caused, continue to live with and defend them.

The high level sociopath is exceedingly narcissistic–self absorbed, exhibiting convincing pseudo empathy, personally magnetic, often very bright, cunning, cleverly exploitive. They wouldn’t be careless and impulsive to blow their elaborate persona of perfection, superiority or the misperception by others that they are “good people.” The high level sociopath operates to achieve his goals through his masterful control and manipulation of others. The high level sociopath is ultra confident. He has no limits. He is often seen as a business visionary. Some of these psychological predators accomplish a great deal in the world, building empires and fiefdoms that amass large fortunes. This is the public face and imprint that these high level sociopaths send to the world—their global image. This is a small fragment of their true nature. In private the high level sociopath operates in a different mode. He/she is cold, distant, enraged, hyper-perfectionistic and hyper-critical, autocratic and without mercy.

These individuals are the ultimate nightmare as parents. They are incapable of playing this role. Their children are used like chess pieces in a high stakes game. They don’t give a damn about how their small child is responding to them as long as the parent is in complete control of them. Some of these sociopaths discard and ignore their children, sending them off to full time nannies, boarding schools and military schools as early as possible. They want nothing to do with children other than using them to build up their image of a great father. In some cases these sociopaths choose a favored child that is groomed to become a part of his echo of perfection and power—this child becomes a strong source of narcissistic supply. The sociopath has huge bragging rights about the high achieving child he has created. Children who are not chosen for these special roles are thrown away, psychologically imprisoned, treated with extreme cruelty. If his children are not performing at the level he insists, some sociopathic parents abandon the entire family and re-constitute themselves with a new adoring spouse who has no clue about this form of psychopathology.

I am in communication with a number of individuals who unwittingly married high level sociopaths. They often have no clue that they are married to a person who is bent on destroying others in order to make it to the top.
The heady lifestyle that the high level sociopath provides for his puppet spouse is irresistible. Feeling financially secure, having anything at your fingertips that you desire, being seen as important and special—-all of these narcissistic supplies shared by the non-narcissistic spouse are very difficult to give up. Many spouses stay with the high level sociopath indefinitely despite the heavy toll that this partnership takes on them. Throwing in one’s fate with one of these vipers stunts your creativity, your capacity to become separate, to expand, deepen and grow psychologically and spiritually.

These sociopaths are all consuming. They suck out the creative and emotional oxygen from your life. You never have respite or peace. Sociopaths do whatever they want without any sense of consequences to the welfare of others. Everything is about their march to the pinnacle of power, the need to vanquish their many enemies, to morally compromise their close associates to bend to their will. Those who defy them are endangered psychologically and emotionally. These sociopaths are vengeful and never forget who has transgressed against their iron will.

If you are married to a high level sociopath, it is advisable that you sever this relationship—especially to protect your children. The sooner you make this move, the better. This person is not going to change—ever!
Apply your intuition, listen to your internal voices and act in your best psychological, emotional and spiritual interests. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You and the narcissist may share the same time and space in a family, business or marriage but you are planets apart.The narcissist thrives in a world of delusion of his/her making. The narcissist’s visions of reality are grandiose, skewed to an absolute belief in his superiority. He holds ultimate power and control over others through manipulations, deceits and chronic lying. We may not recognize that the individual we are meeting is a narcissist, especially if he/she is masterful at playing his roles. If you do not react the way he perceives you will, he is very adept at switching to another character in his drama. All of this is a convincing act but fraudulent.

Narcissists don’t change; their personality structure is rigid and very unlikely to change..
Narcissists generally don’t benefit from psychotherapy because they are certain that the problem(s) originates and is being driven by others—spouses, children, siblings, business associates. The narcissist believes he is flawless; the difficulty is with others not him. If you cross the narcissist, at times he/she will relentlessly pursue you. They go to war in certain situations. It is particularly ugly in divorce proceedings, division of property and material possessions and custody decisions.

In extreme instances the narcissist decides that he/she can wreck you life on every level—personal and professional. Narcissists always know that they will win. They persuasively lie to everyone, including judges, therapists and lawyers. Their confidence overflows with hubris. Without a conscience they throw threats, intimidations, defamations of character where ever they might stick. They often get away with their outrageous and destructive behaviors. Many narcissists present themselves as victims and convince many people through the fine art of lying. They have been practicing perfidy since they were children.

Learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder. It is well worth doing your homework.
The earlier you identify a narcissist, the greater the edge you have in either avoiding this individual or giving yourself a head start on dealing with this person.
Trust and deepen your intuition—that quality that tells us the truth directly and accurately.
If you are dealing with a narcissist, learn to detach your feelings from their psychological bait.
Practice some form of quieting your body/mind—yoga, restorative yoga, meditation, tai chi, etc. This will provide you with powerful techniques for grounding yourself.
Always remember that the narcissist is projecting his/her venom and other contents of the unconscious most of the time. This is the narcissist’s noxious unconscious remnants. They do not belong to you.
Learn to detach from the narcissist’s histrionics. These individuals are waiting for you to overreact. Maintain your sense of emotional equilibrium so they will not have you as a target. Don’t share any of your deep feelings with the narcissist. He or she will use them to manipulate your vulnerabilities.
Appreciate your uniqueness and your entitlement to lead a life of inner peace, meaningful relationships with those who appreciate you and the expansion of your creativity.
Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

In this post I am not speaking about the anti-social personality disorder who has been stealing cars since adolescence and has moved on to crimes of physical assault and robbing banks and eventually hard core jail time. The sociopath I am focusing on sits at the upper echelons of power in the private and public sectors of this country. To most people they are unrecognizable in this role. These individuals are beyond clever and cunning. They are masters of image, disguise and deceit. Many of them attend our finest universities, have the highest credentials in many professional fields. They are exalted in the highest levels of society, given honors and awards for their important work and looked up to as role models by their peers, communities and friends.

These sociopaths are a special breed of men and women. They often have a high intelligence quotient, have earned several degrees and have entered, climbed and succeeded to the pinnacle of their professions. Almost everyone is fooled by them. They have so many admirers and followers. Their main focus is in making enormous amounts of money and wielding ultimate power. There are no limits on their ambitions—It is endless. They are socially well placed and have learned the art of sizing up people early, have mastered all of the social skills and ways of flattering people into falling for them. They wield power and influence in their work over their associates. They act like team players but behind the scenes they are using others who will do their dirty work to plot and destroy their next competitor. They spread lies, create ugly scenarios, defame and eventually destroy anyone who gets in their way. I have heard many stories from their victims of lives decimated by these fawned over criminals in disguise.

The truth comes from those who have shared their private lives with this monsters. Some husbands and wives sacrifice their lives and sell their souls to share the public adulation, lifestyle and raw power that these sociopaths hold in the palms of their hands. Others finally discover that they can no longer live with the abuse, suspect that there is too much illegal, immoral and unethical behaviors occurring that they can no longer stomach and that they must sever these treacherous relationships to save themselves and their children. Divorces from these high level sociopaths are ugly to the max. Those who go forward and survive are relieved and finally free of the imprisonment and secrecy that has haunted them for decades.

Many in the current society, hyped by the media and entertainment empires, believe that those who ultimately win—even if other human beings are thrown to the wolves in the process, is perfectly ok—-even admired. Those who don’t or won’t or can’t play this brand of hard ball are wimps. The increase of narcissistic personality disorders over the last few decades is astounding. Along with this is the acceptance and rise of the highly skilled, charismatic, high level sociopath. They are seated in the midst of many power venues. All sociopaths are narcissists. Some narcissists are sociopaths. Both of these severe personality disorders fool most people, including some psychotherapists. To protect yourself from these highly destructive individuals, study these personality disorders in depth. There are many highly successful people in different kinds of professions who are humane, have great integrity and command respect. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When you assess whether a person is a narcissist or not, one of the many valuable tools is a fine perception of the non verbals.
These assessments were corroborated by other interactions with these individuals. Some narcissists strut across a room, head held very high and literally look down on those in front of them.They are performing for their adoring audience and displaying their irresistible attractiveness. One of the pilates trainers at the gym enters the room with a glossy smile, head lifted. She stares into your face with her painted on rigid smile. It feels like a sneer. There is no feeling in the eyes. She is not making any real connection with you. Her statement is: “Here I am. I’m perfect. I look down on you because you don’t have a perfect body conformation like mine. My looks make me superior to everyone else.” I later had several interactions with this woman that indicate that she is highly narcissistic. On another occasion I had a couple of brief interviews with an orthopaedic surgeon with a first rate professional reputation. He had recommended a surgeon for a friend of mine. After the procedure was completed, I took time to thank him for the excellent referral. He hurriedly greeted me with a confident very firm hand shake. His eyes avoided my gaze; his dismissive hurried manner evaded the words of sincere gratitude that I was expressing. He didn’t have three seconds to make human contact. I remember those large vacant eyes. I could see that they were moving quickly on to his next engagement. He had no time or energy to spare with me, a person who was so insignificant in his mind. In fact I had the impression that he wanted me to step out of his royal presence. My sincere appreciation was not a sufficient narcissistic supply to such a “superior surgeon and man of power.” I was not on his level. I could not get through his steel armor of grandiose defense to reach his humanity. I believe he had left that behind long ago.

I have had many nonverbal encounters with narcissists. They vary in their detail but they are common in the complete lack of connection that is made with them.This can shift if the narcissist wants something from you. Then he or she moves adroitly with the charm and magnetism offensive—a form of method acting that is flawless in high level narcissists. Pay attention to the non verbals. They will tell you more than the narcissist thinks he is giving away. When you make these distinctions and can detach from his highly polished act, you have the knowledge and the power to perceive the truth about these personality disorders. You are seeing through the elaborate lifeless mask of the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife