Narcissists are parasitic. Using this word makes be feel nauseated but it aptly describes their process of feeding off of your life. When we live with a narcissist–mother, father, spouse, sibling or are involved with them, our psychological energy is continually sapped. Some victims of narcissists describe this process as trying to destroy and annihilate them, taking what is most precious inside away with their cruelties, chronic deceptions, hidden agendas, humiliations, threats and ambushes.
The narcissist steals your creative ideas and spins them into his own. He or she gains power over you psychologically by hitting you below the belt on the issues where you are most vulnerable. This is especially destructive if you are a highly sensitive individual by nature. Although the narcissist has no true insight, he/she is exceedingly cunning and knows just how to make you feel hopeless and helpless. Narcissists are bottom feeders.
They play dirty and catch you by surprise, using the shock factor. They initiate contact that appears to be friendly and innocuous. This is the opposite of their intent. Their “communications” are designed to show their superiority over you, to make you feel like a failure who is seriously flawed. All the while they are innocent and pretend like they didn’t lay a hand on your psyche. That’s how dirty and nasty they play it. They spread lies about you to your family and friends, pointing out that you are unstable, that you have a defective character, selecting lies that will harm you the most. This is despicable behavior but narcissists can be very convincing to others who remain ignorant of their true natures.
Study and learn to identify the narcissistic personality. It is worth doing the research on this character disorder. The woods are crawling with them. Once you have made the identification, spend as little time or no time with them if that is possible. If you have to interact, make it brief and do not engage them in a personal manner. I recommend that you try not to be alone with a narcissist since these are the occasions when they project forcefully on to you or other victims of their wrath.
Practice self care with guided meditation, getting the sleep that you need, doing practices like gentle hatha yoga, tai chi and activities that activate the calming part of the nervous system. Learn how to set boundaries with these individuals and stick to them. You can never please them so don’t make a fruitless effort. Remember, the narcissist is constantly projecting his unconscious rage on to others.Deep down he/she feels psychologically empty and worthless.
Get in touch with your creative gifts and learn to appreciate yourself as a unique individual who is capable of empathy, compassion, emotional intimacy and authenticity.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Comment: From Om
so many people are on pills nowadays it is hard to find anyone who IS authentic, or who even WANTS to be.
Thank you for the things you write. I have tried to understand and deal with a narcissistic spouse for more than 2 decades. I truly loved him and have believed all these years that there is some intrinsic defect in me that brought about the bizarre emotional and mental maze he kept me running in. I struggle everyday to understand, that although I have my faults, I do not deserve the unkind and destructive way this man has dealt with me. It is terribly painful to realize that he never cared for me or loved me and is actively making good on his promise to “destroy and punish me for the rest of my life” because I finally gained the strength, faith and courage to divorce him. God is my strength and my shield as I fight this evil disorder that leaves those who suffer from it with no conscience, empathy, or apparent memory. It is evil at it’s core and the suffering it brings can only be endured by grace and love that God brings to the wounded soul.
Dear Carmen,
Thank you for this profound comment about your healing process. You are a wonderful unique individual. Narcissists project their psychopathology on to those closest to them. Remember, this is not about your problems, it is about this person’s severe personality disorder. Learn to be kind to yourself and practice self care in the forms that work best for you. Gentle yoga, listening to music that you love and find soothing, being with friends whom you trust, writing spontaneously without editing and many other practices will help you to heal. I appreciate your comments to my blog. They are very meaningful to me.
Linda
Comment:From Valda
Dear Dr. Martinez-Lewi, I could really identify with this blog post. My mother verbally discredits me in public because she knows that I don’t want to make a scene. She knows all my hot buttons and pushes them every chance she gets. So I quit giving her the chance by moving away from her. Other people don’t see how vicious she can be because she is 5 feet tall, 94 lbs and 89 years old. It amazes me how much damage these people can cause to others. Thank you for your blog posts and your caring. Love to you, Valda
OMG – I am 51 and really upset that it has taken me this long to figure this out – everything I read about this makes so much sense – I have described my mother as a lamprey before – sucking away at me – I have searched and searched to make sense of what I have been dealing with, and now – BINGO – so many others KNOW what I have experienced – years of feeling crazy and being hit below the belt.
I found just what I was needed, and it was entintaenirg!