Narcissistic Spouses Discard You When You Need Them The Most

Narcissists are essentially solo acts. They are incapable of forming genuine relationships, especially their spouses and children. Narcissists are duplicitous. They have many secret agendas. They compartmentalize their lives skillfully and without conscience.

After you have been married to a narcissist for a while you realize that this man or woman is not the person you met and with whom you fell in love. He switches quickly from one mood to another, almost as if he/she is changing personalities. Even when he is getting everything he wants–praise, success, adulation, prestige, etc. he will suddenly turn on his spouse. He is projecting and spewing his unconscious self loathing and psychological emptiness on to you. Spouses on the receiving end of these assaults often learn to ignore and rationalized these cruel behaviors. “Oh, he’s going through a tough time right now.” “He puts too much pressure on himself/herself.” Actually the narcissist applies full pressure and intimidation to everyone else. He moves in the fast lane of life, often weaving through the traffic, jeopardizing others. Since he doesn’t have a conscience, this doesn’t bother him in the least. He/she only knows that winning is everything.

After the marriage has turned stale—and this can happen quickly with narcissists since they have very short attention spans for spouses–the narcissist needs to figure out exactly what he is going to do with you. If you have become psychologically, emotionally or physically ill, the narcissist leaves you in the dust. I have heard stories of women in labor who had to drive themselves to the hospital. Narcissists are pretend parents. They use their children as narcissistic supplies. They need to present the image of themselves as the “great parent.”  This elaborate presentation fools most people who believe that the narcissist is a fine human beings, spouse and fine parent.

Narcissistic spouses are irritated and disgusted with spouses who are ill, have injuries or chronic physical problems. This cramps their style and doesn’t suit their high flying energy. Besides, it’s dreadful for their grandiose image. In many instances they find another partner and quickly plan to replace the spouse who has psychological or emotional problems or is going through a painful illness. Narcissists are without mercy or empathy. It is not part of their psychological makeup. After the divorce the spouse in great need and crisis is quickly abandoned like a piece of paper flying in an errant wind. Often there are no warnings that this individual is going to be abandoned and left without financial resources that have been purposely depleted by the narcissistic spouse. If there are children involved that don’t fit the image that the narcissistic spouse requires, he or she abandons them as well, leaving them to fend for themselves.

Narcissists never look back at the horrendous pain they have caused—pain and suffering that completely disrupts and damages the lives of their own spouses and children. They never think about this again. They are not haunted by any memory of their cruelties. They sleep well at night and are still completely full of themselves as they change the stage set for a renewal of a fresh new life with another person. This is a travesty, a horrible true scenarios that is repeated over and over again by narcissists with impunity in this world.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Lifewill be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013


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7 Responses to Narcissistic Spouses Discard You When You Need Them The Most

  1. Anna says:

    Comment:From Anna
    That is so true. The callous abandonment and withholding of any assistance or support to the narcissist’s “nearest and dearest” at any time of extreme medical emergency has been a hallmark behaviour in my experience of malignant narcissists. It is a really chilling hallmark behaviour of theirs. I was a patient in the Critical Care ward and received a message from my then partner to the effect that he “might visit”. He didn’t, and never made any effort at all to acknowledge or assist in any way. Then he acted as if this had never happened. That’s very typical of them – they revise history in totally self-serving ways. Probably this scenario of their extreme callousness in times of medical emergency unmasks them best – it certainly disposed of any residual doubts I had. Clarity is wonderful, and your validating commentary is profoundly helpful in unmasking these creatures and their intrinsic malice. Good luck with the launch of the book Linda.

  2. Lynn says:

    Comment: From Lynn
    I left him, but the behavior facilitated the abandonment. The lack of acknowledgment and accountability is truly shocking conpared to the one I fell in love with. It has been a soul shattering experience. But I learn, move on, heal, and grow.

    Thank you for these winderfully affirming blog entries. I am on your email list and am always reminded how lucky I am to have recognized less than 1 year after getting married (really started 2 months into the marriage) what was really going on and got out. About 3 monthe later and intensr therapy I am past PTSD and still rebuilding my life from the inside out. Thank you for so cleatly sharing your expertise!!

  3. dianah says:

    OMG–wish I had a $1 for everytime THAT happened in 38 yrs!! Never could figure it out? He was (& will always b oblivious) to any pain but his own. Won’t even go into what I’ve been thru–most of u already know (secret life all that time)-the details (Disclosure) was Truly an act of GOD for me after 36 yrs. Never been so shattered in all my life by my “Sweetheart”. So glad he’ll feel ” no pain” bcause I have 3 1/2yrs til he retires– this woman has a little “secret” surprise of her own. Got a 38th Anniversary card 2 days after I congradulated him on his 25th Anniversary of f’ng his girlfriend in her car at the Christmas Party when I was frantically looking for him for 45 min thinking he was sick. His disgusting answr “don’t b Maaaad” why r u being so mean? My Card– To My Wife Love of My Life (2days after that) INCREDIBLE, DELUSIONAL & COMPLETELY INSANE!!! but now its really ok, I txtd him & said SWEETHEART thank u for the Beautiful card (vomit, that’s how he started that particular affair) his response ” thank u for being my wife”. I threw it in the trash where the others have gone the last 2 yrs. Am I pathological now? H*ll No-just DONE and biding my time. I can’t get back ALL those years he Used my life, but I bet he sure will b surprised if nothing else that his “Sweetheart” is just a savy, but doesn’t have to “Slither” thru life. She can Stand & Walk out the door with all her health, beauty & integrity intact, while he ages (already can’t hear, knees going, OCD,

  4. Jane Johnson says:

    My husband of 16 years left me for someone 23 years younger. He has refused to acknowledge me since he left, will not communicate with me at all and has left me devastated and in pain beyond any comprehension. He acts as if I don’t exist.

    • Prescott says:

      I am a male who was involved with a female Narcassist who was 25 years my junior. I like you, never saw it coming and it has been nearly two weeks now. Like the experts say sepersting what you think and his you react as well as zero contact is the key. My luck and prayers to you

  5. Heidi Anne says:

    I have just experienced a horrible scenario with a severe Injury I had over Christmas . I’m glad to regain some sanity from reading others experiences. . I’m absolutely shocked at the cold , callous , devilish behaviour of an unbalanced man . I’m in the healing process physically. , mentally . I’m grateful to have found this blog !

  6. Riptide says:

    Starting my low contact phase today to exorcise the Narc from my life. He’s only taken 6 months from me, because he’s my third one. The mask is off, and I am gone!

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