Narcissists have a sinister side, especially if they want something that you have and you refuse to comply. This becomes very ugly during the severing of a marital relationship. Many non-narcissistic spouses who have been treated abominably still want to believe that when it comes to ending the marriage, the narcissist will be civil and fair just for the purpose of watching you exit quickly. The plays are opposite–Bring on the army of shark-toothed lawyers and go for the jugular. To protect yourself, study and research in-depth the true nature of the narcissistic personality including examples from real life. Get to know this personality profile intimately. It will be a strong reminder when you start to bend or buckle to the narcissist’s tricks, tactics, strong arming techniques and charm offensive.
Another dark ploy is that narcissists contact your relatives, in-laws, friends and anyone who will listen to broadcast blatant lies about your character. This doesn’t happen in all instances but it is remarkable the lengths these malicious individuals exceed to trash you, put you at fault and lead others to believe that you are “crazy”; you need immediate psychiatric help; you have always been unstable, etc. Even people whom you have trusted —family members—can be flipped to the narcissist’s side, especially if he/she has influence over them and deep pockets.
To successfully deal with these complex and stressful situations as you move toward divorce, be sure you hire an attorney who is not only an expert in family law but who is exceedingly savvy about the ruses, tricks and ploys of the narcissistic personality disorder. Your attorney needs to be highly professional but fearless in facing this relentless cruel and destructive individual. An excellent attorney in these situations must be like ultra-marathon runners. Regardless of any obstacle placed in front of them by the narcissist, they are undaunted. Their perseverance is golden.
A narcissist (male or female) will wage a custody battle for the sole purpose of trying to psychologically and financially decimate the former spouse. For the narcissist, revenge is sweet. It’s where they live in their delusional treacherous minds.
Surround yourself with individuals whom you can trust completely and who believe and understand the horrible ordeal you are going through. Be good to yourself. Know that you hold the truth. You are very wise. If some others around you don’t believe your life story, don’t associate with them. Don’t talk about your personal life. Be protective of your privacy. Another dirty offensive is to make you look “crazy” . This is so cruel and sadistic. Know that you are the sane one who is holding the truth. You are entitled to be treated with respect. You deserve it. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will always reveal the truth to you and help you to maintain a sense of steadiness and calm.
Comment: From Doug
From around the age of 12, when I first started to be my own person, my mother began her crusade of making everyone, including myself, believing it was me who had the problem(s). Seeing it now from where I am now, it was insidious, cruel and inhuman. But no matter to the narcissist, so long as her cover wasn’t suspected. They are some of the worst types of human beings because they attack you from the inside out. I’ve sometimes felt it would have been so much easier if she was a serial killer and I a victim.
Comment:From Una
Well described. I witness this in my clinic and elsewhere with spouses of people with NPD. Unfortunately it’s not understood much and spouses often suffer silently for years
Comment: From new life
your article could not have come at a better time. thank you for all you do Linda. You are an awesome person
I am in midst of divorcing an N. This is complicated by my parents also being N or just mean & crazy. I have spent my adult life being labeled w psych diagnosis, told I am an N and reality being constantly re-written. They have teamed up against me regarding child custody. I feel insane at times. I want to protect my kids yet I am being forced out. I do have a history of addiction n depression; plus Fibromyalgia which I am certain related to marriage. How can I escape with any sanity? Is there any way to play dirty too or manipulate? Hate even thinking this but this is war. It’s my kids and future. Ironically I am often told I am “rewriting past” or other things the trio pulls. I am in trouble w this aren’t i?
Finally I know I’m not crazy. This is actually a real disorder. This man was driving me to suicide. Thank God I found this
Being a victim for 25 years and now seeing it more and more with going through the divorce… I feel it is making me i[[. You keep saying trust your intuition, ( is that the little voice that keeps coming to you when something is going to happen and does, or you should go left instead of right?). I thought the divorce was going to be quick and easy, but it is other than. I thank you for sharing your knowledge, this is helping me, just wish I would have taken my time on choosing the right attorney. This is a big problem not having the right attorney. I know it is going to work out with God’s help.
Thanks again for your information.
This information is so so helpfull
This article perfectly describes my divorce and custody fight for my 3 year old daughter. The more I agreed to his demands and tried to show him I wanted to be reasonable and get along, the harder he worked to crush me. After a couple of years I finally realized this and stopped talking to him, lawyers only. This went on till she was 18.
He did everything he could think of to ruin my life and relationship with my daughter. Turned friends against me. I hated him and was angry a lot. I was able to let go of my hatred by going to Alanon, for over 20 years.
He was an alcoholic. I didn’t even realize it until I found myself with another alcoholic man, and started going to meetings.
And now I’ve discovered that he is a narcissist also.
My daughter is now 37, she and I are close. This is all ancient history. I can say that time makes it better. I’ve reclaimed my career he forced me out of and have a nice business with a great reputation. He is a sick old man.
I have a fresh wound now with the realization that my mother was also a narcissist. She practiced subterranean emotional abuse my entire life. She died 2 months ago. Her illness and death where her Grand Finale of over the top crazy making behavior. WAY more drama than I ever want to experience again. And of course no one believes me except for a small core of true friends. I have cousins i love who think I’m nuts and refuse to believe a word i say. That really hurts.
At 63 I’m finally unraveling these awful mysteries.
I never thought about how I would feel about her after she died and was surprised that i felt nothing. I didn’t mourn her and I don’t miss her. Just trying to give myself time to heal and move on.
She was very social and had lots of superficial friends and cousins. I don’t know how to handle their condolences, they assume I’m mourning. Actually, i see the humor in that. Perhaps that’s the key.
Same with me, Doug. At twelve, I developed my own mind/likes/dislikes. My mom spent all the rest of my growing years blaming/shaming/backstabbing/competing with me any way possible if I didn’t agree with her or do what she said. All my life she’s treated me like a brainless idiot, even if I have a high IQ, my own home and business. Now in her seventies, she got so hateful and terrifying that I ended my relationship with her. She doesn’t care, because I’m of no use to her since she can’t force me to do (everything) for her. They get horribly worse with age.