From Budding Narcissist to Adult Narcissistic Scourge

Many of you have had the experience of watching a narcissist grow from early childhood into adulthood. You heard the ear shatteringtantrums, saw the parents make no attempt to get their “golden child” to behave. Their efforts were feeble because from the beginning he/she was never corrected for inconsiderate and boorish behavior. This child was considered special from the beginning–a little king or queen who was raised to the highest pinnacles. I have been astounded and chagrined by the outrageous behaviors of these chosen children. (This post refers to both male and female budding narcissists).

I have bitten my tongue in social situations to not say: “Make that brat behave. He is not the only one on  the face of the earth.” “You are growing a monster who will come to hate you, exploit you and make the lives of others intolerable.” But in social situations I have kept quiet in the past. Now I refuse these invitations. I would be watching a parent creating a mini monster who will grow into an abominable human being.

Adults especially  parents make excuses for their unempathic, selfish, materialistic, cruel, sadistic children. And others in the family go along with the charade. After all this child is so bright and attractive, what could be wrong with him. He is excelling in school as he charms everyone. What else can a parent want? You as a member of this family are expected to believe this delusion and to adore the child as much as his parents. Beneath the surface, the budding narcissist, day by day is becoming more self obsessed, grabby about what he must have, more grandiose that he is superior to everyone else and cannot make mistakes. He lies impeccably to trick others and make fools of them. He intimidates his brothers and sisters who live in sheer terror of his footsteps. Mother and father are oblivious and reluctant to correct or criticize the little prince. He has become a  reflection of their perfection. They cannot be objective. The family image rides on the their son’s (daughter’s) perfect narcissistic facade.

In the current societal climate today,narcissists are ruling. They get away with their treacheries because they exude confidence and are often very clever and forceful personalities that no one will buck them. If a member of your family is a narcissist and you have known him/her since childhood—-he is not going to change. Now as an adult he is a larger, more ingrained, more vicious facsimile of his younger self. In fact many narcissists become meaner with age, more duplicitous and malicious.

Do you need this person in your life? Is it worth all the  hurt feelings, cruelties to be a part of this pathological drama. Ask yourself these questions and trust your inner response. You don’t deserve this savage treatment. Learn about the inner workings of the narcissistic personality. Protect yourself and insist on respect even if that means no contact. You deserve to move forward with your life.

6 thoughts on “From Budding Narcissist to Adult Narcissistic Scourge”

  1. Comment:From Valda
    Hi Dr. Martinez-Lewi, I have experienced a moody, manipulative, pathological child that I watched growing up — she was my child. I fought a tough fight with her father to raise her as a happy, well-adjusted and productive woman, but her father’s extreme narcissism won the war. He now has replaced her with another family of his narcissistic choosing. I have no contact with either of them. What I have found to be more difficult is trying to deal with a narcissistic identical twin sister. Her narcissism first expressed itself at an early age as belligerence. She was not overtly narcissistic until she was in her twenties and even then it was confusing to figure out what was wrong. Now that she is in her 60’s her extreme narcissism is glaring. My mother’s narcissism wasn’t recognized either until now. I have been the target for both my sister and my mother so I no longer see my sister and my contact with my mother is limited. The covert narcissism of my mother has been very difficult for me and now I understand why I have never been good enough. I wish that I could live my life again without the interference of these narcissistic people, but that isn’t reality. I have no biological family and that is quite painful for me. I am truly an orphan. Thaniks for all you do! Warmest wishes, Valda

  2. Great article and I am new to the site. When I was a kid, I saw a boy who was turning into a narc and back then didn’t know the word existed. I have seen it in public as well as parents turn the other cheek; these parents can’t handle these narc kids when they are adults. My brother is a golden child but is nothing like my parents….I take that back I think he has a little bit of my dad’s tendencies and does what my mom wants. She would have him take her to the store (long ago) while he lived an hour away from us saying ‘he makes a lot of money, he can afford to come to our city,’ as he drove an SUV. Brother and sister are close in age, they had each other whereas I am much younger than them (they are 18 and 14 yrs older than me). Yea, he did make a lot of money and still does (lives in another state now), she has this incestuous thing for my brother just as much of a pedophile as my dad!

    I found out he was mistreated too, so his life wasn’t all that perfect from what my sister told me. He doesn’t talk about his childhood, he only told me how he was glad to leave home at 18 away from my idiot narc parents and how dad would make him do stuff in the middle of the night and had school too when he was a kid before I was born. My ex therapist said my brother had a better childhood, how? He just told me he couldn’t wait to get away from mom and dad….it seems contradicting when he says that then tells me and my sister ‘she is still our mom and was there for us.’ How was she there for us? She did a barrage of screaming/yelling/threatening/name calling telling us how much she can’t stand us etc! I am still wondering how my mom got my brother where he is today, there’s zero credit for her and my dad. My sister was the one who did the work and suggested to him he go into the Air Force to get away. My parents always take credit for something they didn’t do or say yet watch how people just lavish them with praise telling me ‘you have such great parents, you only get one mom and dad in life!’ I hate hearing that nonsense. I always felt like an orphan, there was no nurturing, no bond, no love, absolutely zero with my parents and I (us) yet that is something people don’t get. My mom hates women to a T and women are such a huge problem for her. She always says mean things like ‘my generation came from a wonderful generation of women who didn’t have their butts hanging out. My generation has pride while your sister and your generations are nothing but whores with zero pride as you guys will do anything to get a man.’ Excuse me?!?!? Her generation still have a lot of racial judgment and hate their lives too, so don’t know why my mom’s generation is all that. What pride? If she had pride as a woman, she wouldn’t allow dad to have a hoarded house, not having babies just to keep him (and her old high school boyfriend now dead) around, had her own money, etc which is something she never had and she don’t plan on being independent as she is now 67 years old. My mom always throws her age into the mix like she is God or something, she knows nothing only what the tv tells her. My idiot ex therapist said there was a bond when my mom gave birth to us and told her there have been studies done recently about babies not getting their mother’s love/touch and growing up to be sociopaths, got something to say to that? As always, she was silent. I said she was never attentive to us, how is that a bond? It’s like my sister told me ‘they were not parents physically, emotionally, spiritually, and barely financially. It was just two people who made babies which doesn’t make them parents.’ Yep, ex therapist got huffy on that comment which she got huffy on a lot of things that she didn’t agree with not that I care. My parents giving me a hug or a kiss from my mom is absolutely disgusting, why? There’s no real love/empathy/genuineness/etc behind it it’s ‘let’s get this over with because we are your parents.’ All about how people will treat them as they want people on their side never my side.

    My ex therapist don’t think my mom is a narc, she is a narc just not successful in her life but has a lot of narc tendencies. She is pretty much the mirror image of my dad! Not sure why ex therapist couldn’t make the two connections yet this woman calls herself “an expert because she is a licensed therapist!” In my life, people refused to help me and give me information to leave. I thought AZ had emancipation laws because a teen back then told me he got emancipated here and I found out later, AZ has no such laws, but I knew CA had them. People still won’t help me to this day telling me how wrong I am, how much of a selfish ungrateful child I am, etc wow if that isn’t abusive I certainly don’t know what is!! Since, I have been at my job almost 2 months, now I gotta find a way to leave even though I am not making enough to afford a place on my own.

  3. Incredible description – to the T. The rise of the golden girl, the decay of her behavior to her being the most wicked, deceptive and dishonest person you have witnessed, completely without a conscience, her absolute rise to superiority, her inability to do wrong and accept any fault – and her ability to destroy anyone who sees fault in her.

    She cut me off from the love of my own mother, father, family and friend. Moms inability to see the lying, betrayal and sadistic behavior, and her blaming me for even a slight hysterical fit of tears from the golden girl. I was paralyzed in fear , with an inability to speak, to describe what was going on, an inability to have self worth, and fear of the insanity of that which I was enveloped in. I went through this for about 6 years until I left for college.

    It is amazing, because when you are going through this alone.. there is no one who will believe you, no one to turn to.. that sister is without fault, attractive and kind to the world, but to you – that person is the devil who can play parents, siblings, relatives like a puppet. You are alone, you grow weaker by the day, more alone by the day until all of your self esteem is lost, so you believe you are the most horrible person in the world, the most ugly, the most useless , the most unlovable. You take on the inner mirror and large suitcases of the golden sister who can not carry any of her own baggage, and you are made to carry this evil baggage by the collective crowd who is influenced by this person.

    The trick is that the “image of perfection” is achieved by making the victim carry the evil bags of the golden girl, and this is carried out in the most sadistic fashion , invisible to all around, and perpetuated in an ever growing cycle – where the narcissist and the entire family is now dependent upon the image of perfection in this person , they have created. I was the waste receptacle which the wrongs of the golden girl were cast upon.

  4. Valda: I like you had narc mom and sister, and didn’t know about narcissism until I married a narcissist also. Just divorced after 24 years. And he is turning our oldest child, a daughter, into a high level narcissist. Gave her a car/credit card to bribe her to go with him. Basically turned her loose. He never spent any time with either of our kids.

    Now they are working on my 14-yr old son after 3-years of the divorce process he wants to go with them. He initially stayed with me, but grew silent, and is now becoming hostile toward me for no reason that I can understand. He is tender heart, and will be abused. I am so afraid for him. But attorney says I must let him go. He is old enough to make choices in court.

  5. Love your articles, but in our family the NPD child was not the Golden Child. My parents did everything they could to stop her lying and manipulations without success. We all had the same chores, rewards and punishments. All were expected to abide by reasonable expectations. There was no parental abuse. She threw tantrums on a daily basis that made our lives a living hell. In her eyes, everything was unfair… to her! My brothers and I continued to be lied about in every situation to anyone outside the family (as our parents thankfully had her figured out). A aunt, however, coddled her as a “poor misunderstood child” and it reinforced her behavior. As an adult, she continues and has a few people buying the “poor thing” tactic she uses to con people for what she craves… attention, sympathy and their money. She calls people all over the country with this sad tale of abuse, has even gone to neighbors spreading vicious rumors. Some have lightbulb moments, some don’t.
    She loves articles about the “golden child” being the one most likely with NPD and uses them as more weapons(proof in her eyes) in her incessant obsession to destroy her siblings. (parents’ wills leave everything split evenly… she is LIVID… so all must be punished including our aging, fragile parents). The pain is almost unbearable. Some parents really do try to help these soul-less beings and beat themselves up the rest of their lives thinking they did something wrong. Research is starting to point to brain abnormalities. This knowledge has helped in the healing, but we have had to go no contact and lose a few friends and relatives who stand by her allegations in the process. It truly is a horrible disorder to have… for all who come in contact with it and who are the true “victims”.

  6. I’m so sorry you are going through this terrible time. It’s distressing to see these things happening to your child. I am fortunately removed from all those people that created havoc in my life. I am happily at peace now. I’m no longer exposed to any of these people; my mother has died and I have no contact with anyone else in my family including my daughter. That was happening anyway, but it has been very supportive to be validated by Dr. Martinez-Lewi and to read comments like yours. Even though you want to be there for your children, more importantly you need to be there for you. You are the scapegoat and the victim in this destructive game. Be sure to take care of you. Big hug and sending you love too! Valda

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