Category: narcississtic personality

Those who are married to or living with a narcissistic personality are psychologically compromised if not imperiled. Your life no longer belongs to you. Your private thoughts are constantly interrupted by the delusional noise, the tantrums, accusations and ill will of the narcissistic partner. If he/she is in a bad mood you will get the brunt of his cruel projections. He is in constant denial about reality. He insists you view everything from his distorted perspective–how you lead your life, where you live, how much psychological freedom you have, even the activities of your days and nights can be dictated by a narcissistic spouse. It is remarkable that they appear to get away with being among the cruelest, insensitive human beings on the face of the earth. Once. they walk outside wearing their highly convincing mask they are greeted like heroes–a person who can do no wrong, who is lauded by his professional colleagues, respected by the community, lionized by his adoring inner circle. What happens in private is totally different—and appalling. Once he enters his abode, the narcissist changes his tune. He is no longer singing;he is screaming, barking out demands, making accusations, non-stop criticisms, projecting venomous unconscious material from deep inside of him on to you. You have absolutely no peace, even when you are asleep at night. You lie there and frequently awaken and wonder if you can tolerate another day of this hellish nightmare. Many spouses of narcissistic keep taking this abuse year after year, decade after decade. They become more weary, doubt themselves more, swallow the rage that is caught in their throats, stifle tears that demand to pour, question if they are good enough. This is a dizzying merry go round type of living. The spouse is caught in the narcissist’s delusion and doesn’t understand that she is entitled to break free and get out. She sees no options of escape or the promise of a different life.

There are instances when the non-narcissistic spouse has a health crisis, or an incident occurs in which the narcissist has lost his temper once too many times and become very frightening and menacing. This is a crisis point when the spouse can see the narcissist clearly for whom he really is. At this point she asks herself:”Do I want to continue living this way?” “My spouse is not going to change , in fact he is getting worse- colder, crueler, more dismissive–” At some point the injured spouse decides that she will sever her life from the narcissist. Often these spouses make plans in advance of the actual separation so that they can get out with out major ugly scenes and engagements with this volcanic personality. Many of these spouse report the relief they feel—they can breathe and think and dream once more. The route toward final separation can be tough but with a strong support system and some professional help if needed, this renewal of their lives does happen. They are now evolving fully, using all of their potential. They are blooming and moving forward creatively at the same time that they have found peace inside for the first time in their lives. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

We are always so happy when we see a woman that is pregnant, especially if it’s someone we know. We always treat them just a bit kinder, give them our seat on the Subway, some people even become a Cultural Care Au Pair and help them look after their kids in return for food and a room. But it isn’t this innocent when it comes to narcissistic women.

Narcissistic women are known for their clever, conniving ruthlessness. One plot some of them boldly and irresponsibly play out is that of hooking the guy with their great looks and desirability. They often find men who either already have “made it” in the wealth department or are climbing to the top of their professions. Nothing else will do. These women are obsessive plotters. They take their time, sizing up each man to find just the one who will make the cut. They start dating and in a short while these phenomenal actresses are getting closer and closer to the clincher. The chosen man doesn’t have a clue about his coming entrapment. These women know how to turn it on in the intimacy department. A few months go by and everything is moving according to plan. One evening at dinner the narcissistic vixen announces that she is pregnant with his child. The guy’s jaw drops. He can’t believe it. The woman plays the pre-mother role. She explains that this latest development has been a horrible shock to her but now that there is a baby on the way, she is a responsible and moral individual who will take her role as a mother seriously. There will be no abortion or adoption out. The two of them will raise the child.

Women playing the pregnancy card are cunning at getting the man to think they are are going to share their lives together. In some cases, the guy buys a home to begin the new family.
What he doesn’t know is that he was out of the picture from the beginning. This lady is after the money. Pregnancy and giving birth is her ticket to a tidy sum of money and support. If there is a grandmother handy, an aunt or a friend who will baby sit, this woman plans to have some fun time on her own and then go back to a good job. She takes this fellow for the total ride. He is responsible for the child’s welfare in all of its facets until the kid is eighteen years of age. I have seen this happen a number of times. With no conscience and absolute certainty about how much she can get away with–narcissistic women often win one court battle after the other, plunder the former “Partner” for all he’s worth and move on. The baby is a narcissistic supply to the narcissistic woman. She pretends to love her child when she is presenting a perfect image of herself. Otherwise, someone else can raise this kid. Using children for monetary gain is malevolent. Some of the men who are left holding this particular bag suffer horribly.

Narcissistic women who play this card never look back with regret or remorse. They are not designed that way. They are Darwinian. One day they might even pull this heinous trick again. If not they will always find ways to decimate their male victims. These women despise men and nothing but sweet revenge will do for them. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists are incessantly hungry for the next person or situation they will exploit. They take advantage of everyone in their lives, especially those close to them–spouses and children. They are ruthless in business which works very well for them these days when so many of those who are highly successful are narcissists. Our current society has normalized narcissistic personalities. The aim of life is to win. Winning is defined as defeating competitors at any cost, discarding those who have fallen on tough times (Narcissists blame those who through no fault of their own have not been able to “make it”) manipulating those who are emotionally vulnerable. Narcissists are seamless performers. They appear to care about you and they are believable with their chronic lying. Their plan is to exploit you and your gifts, contacts and creative ideas. When they have squeezed the most they need for their satisfaction, you are discarded. This occurs whether you have known them for months, years or decades. There is always a time certain when you will be sent into the darkness alone unless you are fulfilling some essential selfish need that they have. Narcissists don’t have real relationships. They view you as a commodity and determine your value. Their spouses and children are often used as actors whom they direct. Narcissists are highly controlling. They are especially obsessed with their image. If you are the spouse or child of a narcissist you will be taking orders from them and following them or else.

Don’t expect your narcissistic spouse or parent to change. Narcissistic personality is a serious fixed characterlogical disorder that is not going to change. If they agree to go to therapy, it is for a reason and that is not to get better. Why would they change when they believe that you have the problem and they are perfect. Narcissists often sabotage psychotherapy and are even known to get the therapist on their side.

Ask yourself if you want to continue to lead your life this way—to be constantly controlled, hounded, criticized, demeaned and undermined by this individual. How much does your life matter to you. Spend some time researching the narcissistic personality disorder. Begin to recognize that you have unique value as an individual. You are entitled to be treated with respect, to be left to think your own thoughts, to be creative and to follow your own life path. You deserve to experience inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists have neither limits of decency nor respect for other human beings, including family members. One narcissist allowed to bully himself freely over decades can psychologically decimate many members of one family. One of the worst constellations is the mother/father narcissistic duo. Children of these unions have it very tough. Even as small children life is not centered on them. It is all about their selfish, self absorbed, cold and often enraged parents. Children from these families learn survival skills the hard way. It is very painful when they come to the realization that their parents were incapable of genuinely loving them. Those who are more fortunate often turn to an older brother or sister who substitutes as a surrogate parent.These children feel loved and protected by the older sibling and grow knowing there is at least one person they can trust and count on.

In some cases the narcissist is a golden child boy or girl, selected by mother and/or father as superior to all the other family members. He is treated like a member of royalty. All talk and adulation by the parents is about him or her. If this child has talents, is bright or gifted in other ways, he is the center of attention and given everything he wants. Narcissistic parents allow these blooming narcissists to treat their siblings cruelly. They ignore the extreme bullying that chronically occurs and can cause severe psychological damage to the brothers and sisters who are frequent victims of this abuse. The narcissistic parents are oblivious of these dreadful patterns of cruelty. In some cases they join in and belittle the children who are imperfect, taunting them, punishing them unjustly and making their lives absolutely miserable.

Many of the victims of growing up in a narcissistic family spend years in the healing process. Some find that psychotherapy with a skilled empathic clinician helps them to recognize the war zone they have navigated all of their lives. They learn to recognize and appreciate their identities that are separate from the narcissist. In many cases they end any contact with their narcissistic relatives. There are no authentic relationships with narcissists, even if they are your relatives. Discovering and learning to lead their lives on their own terms, opens them to the full use of their gifts and talents and the awareness that they are fully capable of loving others on a deep level. Other modalities of healing can involve various forms of meditation that work for the individual, hatha yoga with emphasis on relaxation and concentration, many forms of exercise that free the mind and strengthen the body. Those who thrive after the narcissistic family wars deserve our congratulations. They have prevailed. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The holidays are an emotionally charged time for most people There are so many memories–happy, sad, tragic, nostalgic that lead to powerful feelings. It is so tempting to give in to our many impulses, including renewing our previous romantic relationships. We feel a longing to be back with a person who was very special to us. We idealize this individual in our minds, remembering the great times we had with them. Our vision of the past becomes very rosy and we want to grab our phone or text or email and connect with this individual again.

If this man or woman is a narcissist, this is a very bad idea. First, the narcissist, regardless of the time that has passed, has not changed. These personality disorders are fixed; he or she has not changed. They know how to put on a perfect act and how to draw you in psychologically and romantically. Ultimately, you will be hurt again. Remember what made this man or woman an “ex” in the first place. You discovered that this person has severe problems with extreme self entitlement, complete lack of empathy, total self absorption, deception, chronic lying and manipulation. Refresh your memory before you walk through that door again. This is not easy especially if we are feeling lonely and sad. Be kind to yourself about your feelings. Do not be judgmental about them. But also be clear with yourself about the true nature of your narcissistic ex. You cannot go there again.

You made the separation and break with them out of your own best interests. You have freed you life up to be the evolving, creative, strong individual that you are now. Your intuition is telling you that you have moved too far ahead to regress backwards. Have faith in yourself and give yourself tremendous credit for the progress along the new road toward renewal you are traveling. Have a wonderful holiday. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic mothers are psychologically empty. They have nothing to give. They are consummate takers and spoilers. They sustain themselves by picking away at the lives of others, especially their children. It is tragic that this person is a narcissist and even more horrendous that you are her child. Deep inside, in the the unconscious they hate themselves. Unfortunately their deep self loathing is projected on to their children. They are known to select certain individual children who will get the worst treatment. Often it is due to the narcissistic mother’s pernicious envy. If you are a bright, attractive, lively little child, these predatory mothers are jealous of your individual personality qualities. They cannot compete with you but since they are the adult parent, they will do everything to control you, including unwarranted punishing and imposing fear and dread at every turn. These mothers are constantly demeaning their children, telling them they are stupid, ugly, incapable of doing well in school—and the list of put downs is endless. Narcissistic mothers are queens of projected negativity. They are like vampires—sucking the psychological life out of you. Some children of these mothers sadly, are too frightened to hold on to themselves and become mother’s willing servants. Mother’s brainwashing techniques have worked on these victims. Some of them spend their lives trying to please mother, to get love out of a stone, beg to be accepted by someone who has no empathy or compassion, only psychological darkness. Other children in the same family are able to protect themselves by observing very early that there is something radically wrong with this parent. They have separated enough from this poisonous narcissistic mother to avoid psychological annihilation. They refuse to be brainwashed. They preserve vital parts of themselves that are very much alive and that sustain them as they grow up. They suffer terribly under these conditions of siege but they have kept themselves together. Children who have saved themselves take refuge in the use of the their imaginations, the search for knowledge, their acquaintance with other adults who nurture them—grandparents, aunts, mothers of their friends. These survivors learn how to walk this tightrope; they become good at preserving the unique gifts they have been given and growing to become strong and separate from the non-mothering figure.

As an adult of a narcissistic mother who is still involved in this war, learn everything you can about the true nature of narcissistic personalities. Remember they do not change; they are fixed. You deserve to heal and to remove yourself from this highly negative vortex. You may be the biological son or daughter of a narcissistic mother but first you are a unique individual. Remind yourself of this truth. You are entitled to use all of your many creative gifts and energies, to activate your potential to the maximum and to feel the fullness of life. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Holidays with relatives can be challenging to say the least, especially if they are narcissists. Narcissists don’t change because there is a special occasion. They may put on their elaborate mask for a while but don’t be surprised if they attempt to jab your psychological ribs before the event is over. One of the most important tactics is to never be alone with a narcissistic in-law for a moment. Make sure that a friend or relative whom you trust is with you.Narcissists release their most onerous psychological projections when you are alone with them face to face.

At many events it is possible to greet the narcissist politely and then move on to visit the other guests. Do not let them engage you in conversation. Keeping an ample physical distance from the narcissist is one of the keys to avoiding any interchanges with your narcissistic in-laws. Before you leave for the party remind yourself that you are in charge of your actions, that you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration by everyone.
There are family constellations in which narcissistic in-laws are so toxic to other family members, including you. that you might seriously consider not attending the event. I have heard many stories of very ugly scenes that have occurred as a result of vituperative interchanges by narcissistic in-laws and other family members. Narcissists think nothing of disrupting and spoiling a special family event. They are absolutely shameless about their behavior. Some narcissists are concerned enough about their image that they will pull their punches and decide to behave. However, still avoid close contact with them. They have a way of getting spitting out barbs, put downs and sarcastic remarks very quickly that are very wounding. Remember you don’t deserve this kind of abusive treatment by anyone. Remind yourself that this in-law has a severe personality disorder, that he or she is constantly projecting the noxious contents of his or her unconscious on to others. These putrid volleys have nothing to do with you. They are psychological toxins that have nothing to do with you.

Researching the narcissistic personality disorder gives you the power to know exactly who they are. This knowledge gives you power. Healthy self entitlement and self respect should be your continuous companions.
To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Victims of narcissistic abuse–spouses, children, siblings–so often feel that they are not being heard despite all they have suffered over many years. I often read and hear the refrain: “They don’t get it.” They are saying that other people even in their own families do not understand the depth and malevolent cruelties that have been perpetrated on to them. When the narcissistic mother, father, sister, brother, in-law is in a public venue, even in the family home, he is acting like a prince–very well mannered, at your service, butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. This is the external burnished image that the false self narcissist has perfected. Most people believe that this is the real person. It is definitely not. Behind closed doors when others are not watching, the real monstrous aspects of the core of this personality disorder are revealed. They are horrendous–screaming fits that never stop, intimidations and accusations that set your ears rings, humiliations that make you want to hide in a corner and never leave, threats that are believably horrific “I will leave you with nothing; you will end up on the street. I will ruin you professionally and personally. I am just the person who can and will do this to you.” Hearing this and sustaining these bombardments every day is intolerable to the victim.

Never underestimate the psychological, emotional and financial damage a narcissist will do. If you continue to take this abuse, remind yourself that it is wearing you down, that you don’t deserve it, that the image of a “perfect family” doesn’t mean anything next to the truth—-You are being victimized by a seriously disturbed narcissistic personality disorder. Learn to put yourself and your welfare (and that of your children if you have them) first. You can separate and break free from the narcissist. Many benefit from quality psychotherapy. Make sure that you choose someone who is clinically highly qualified and empathic. Find a few friends you can count on. Make your plans in advance and keep them confidential as to how you will sever this non-marriage or non-partnership or non-familial relationship. You can become whole again. The creative, evolving part of you has been waiting a long time for you to say “Yes” to freedom. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

After all of the various “hells” connected with their up-bring, children of narcissistic parent(s) are often very empathic. They have suffered so much under the dominance of a grandiose false self, self absorbed, emotionally unavailable narcissistic parent. Yet—Surprise–They are capable of understanding on a deep emotional level what another human being is suffering. They can put themselves in this individual’s place. I have seen this so many times in emails, by direct contact, in their writings, etc. Many of these children were able to make a clear discernment of the true nature of the narcissistic parent. Some were fortunate to have access to the non-narcissistic mother or father who gave them the love and affection they needed and deserved. However, there are instances in which both parents were narcissists. This is truly remarkable and commendable. These children fought all the way to maintain their individuality, their capacity for compassion, the ability to see through the delusion of the narcissistic parent and the vow that they would not travel the narcissistic road. We take heart and hope in these living examples of kind, empathic, psychologically grounded human beings. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

“In narcissistic personalities the experience of emptiness is most intense and almost constant…” (Otto Kernberg, Md. clinical expert on the narcissistic personality). “The narcissist’s experience of emotional emptiness is beyond sadness. It is a severe and intractable wounding, a pain…savage and deep. The psychological (inner) landscape of the narcissist is bleak.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). This is the narcissist’s unconscious experience of himself. He or she is unaware of this condition. As a result the narcissist is a very restless human being, always surveying his external environment for narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, self indulgence, the company of highly attractive men and women, sexual escapes, the pursuit of material possessions, seeking raw power to control others, manipulation of those whom they experience as competitors.

“The successful narcissist creates an intricate system of positive feedback in the form of friends, associates, partners, spouses—who perpetually fulfill his endless needs.” (From Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) The narcissist is incapable of having a real relationship with another person. He doesn’t have a relationship with himself. Everything in his life is externalized and the most prized possession of all is the elaborate golden image that he creates and perpetuates all of his life.

Beneath the surface, in the unconscious, molten rage is bubbling. This fury is projected on to to others, especially spouses, children, family members, business associates, etc. The narcissist cannot perceive that this rage is completely inappropriate and harmful to others. He simply spits it out or vomits it forth in a projectile that is highly disturbing and hurtful to its recipients. This is the narcissist’s extreme self loathing in action. The narcissist cannot own any of these unconscious feelings and therefore they are ejected out on to his victims.

When you learn about the dynamics of the narcissistic personality, you have gained knowledge and power. Now you understand what makes them tick, why they react with such venom and why they are constantly searching for narcissistic supplies to fill up the bottomless pit of their psychological emptiness. Learn to detach from the narcissist. Keep your physical distance (if possible since they are very unpleasant to say the least) and maintain your psychological distance. You command respect and the recognition that you are a separate human being. who insists on being treated with dignity and courtesy. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com