Category: Divorcing Your Narcissist

When we marry someone we make a serious commitment to be loyal to them as a mate. That means not stepping out to have affairs, trysts, one night stands, etc. Narcissists are never true to any one person, especially a wife or husband. This is impossible for them since they feel entitled to sleep with, seduce, possess anyone they choose. They respond to their impulses and instincts regardless of their formal marital state. Marriage for a narcissist is like a business deal. They often choose a mate who will take them to the very top of social and business connections, being constantly in the spotlight. Narcissists are deceptive in every aspect of their lives. They lie reflexively, effortlessly. They are believable in their perfidies. Lies fly out of their mouths automatically. They have practiced deception and subterfuge all of their lives. Why would they be different in a marriage.

Some non-narcissistic spouses put up with this kind of betrayal throughout the marriage, thinking that the husband will change. This is not the case. Narcissists are a fixed personality disorder. They are entitled to do whatever they want. And guess what they get away with it most of the time! They break all of the rules, even when it hurts their spouses and children deeply They are selfish and completely incapable of empathy. Before you get deeply involved or married to a narcissist, research this severe personality disorder. If you are already married to a narcissist you may have to think seriously at some point about severing the relationship. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists are pathologically self entitled. Their spouses are under-entitled. Some of them are treated like servants and accept these roles for decades, even at the expense of their physical, emotional and psychological health. The non-narcissistic spouse often doesn’t know that he/she is married to such a seriously disturbed human being. They make excuses and blame themselves. After all, the narcissist is always finding fault with them rather than where it belongs—on them. Narcissists pick away at their husbands and wives, causing tremendous stress. Many of these victims suffer from extreme anxiety and depression. They are jumping out of their skins with worry, wondering when the next metal shoe will drop. “When will he start screaming at me again?” Will he wake me up again tonight and go into one of his tirades?” “Deep down I hate myself because I can’t fulfill his wishes and demands.” Over and over again are the self accusations that are propelled by the narcissist’s constant verbal attacks. In some instances there is physical abuse as well. This is all kept very secret due to the narcissist’s obsession with his golden image.

Once you have recognized that you are married to a narcissist you have a couple of options. You can try to stay in the marriage and learn how to remain psychologically distanced and detached from this person. That is very difficult. You can carve out a life of your own if that works with the marriage dynamics. Some couples do this. They are married in name only. The narcissistic spouse has a separate personal life. For most spouses it becomes impossible for them to stay married to the narcissist. They are becoming too depressed, stressed, terrified about the next foul display of rage. They decide to obtain a divorce. This is very scary but they learn that they are entitled to a life that belongs to them. Along the way some of them obtain quality psychotherapy and have the support of close friends to help them learn to self nurture and to recognize that they have value as unique individuals. After the divorce there is a healing process that takes place. This is not easy or automatic but so many ex-spouses of narcissists are so relieved that now they can take a deep breath, use their creative gifts, sleep through the night peacefully, voice their opinions openly and freely and celebrate their newly retrieved lives. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There is an old saying: “Every man has his price.” Most people would never admit that they can be morally and personally compromised if they are promised the right deal—everything that fulfills their deepest wishes and desires. When we are talking about narcissists they are fascinated by this kind of game. Male and female narcissists love the excitement of the chase. Whom can they seduce? Who will bow to their perfection and superiority? They are so self assured that it can be nauseating. Narcissists are constantly surveying their environments for attractive people who can enhance their image or fill their pocket books or add to the luster of their social and professional connections.

It is very difficult to say “no” to a consummate charmer, a gorgeous or handsome man or woman that has all the pieces, who comes with a stellar portfolio. Narcissists are quick to make up their minds and zero in on those whom they know they can quickly seduce, control and manipulate. There are whirl wind courtships that add the breathless excitement that narcissists thrive on.

Once the marital union has taken place, the non-narcissistic partner may be living in a golden haze or a light trance from which he or she does not want to be awakened. In the early stages your wish is immediately satisfied, whether it is material possessions, travel, thrilling surprises, special gifts. The narcissist is skilled at eroding your will to think independently and trust your feelings. As the months turn into years a pattern in the relationship is more predictable. The cracks in the narcissist’s mask are much more apparent. Sometimes–this honeymoon period is much shorter. Some spouses are in total denial and will never acknowledge that they have been thoroughly used and exploited and that their lives are a living hell that doesn’t belong to them.

There are moments of insight in which the spouse recognizes that he or she has be bought off for what? Lifestyle, material possessions, financial security, the company of well connected socially prominent friends, trips, surprise gifts. I know of situations with narcissistic spouses where the non narcissistic partner realized that she was being used for image purposes alone, that her husband was cheating on her with several women. In several cases the narcissistic husband offered a handsome sum of cash and other incentives to keep the “marriage intact.” This is not a marriage; it is a business arrangement.

Is it worth your peace of mind, the high level of stress that has brought you to the point of physical and psychological breakdown to stay with this severe personality disorder? Is the price worth the damage you have sustained and the dangerous precipice you are facing? For some spouses it appears to be worth it. They have paid the price and are willing to stay with this destructive pattern that leaves them without a life that belongs to them.
Others say: “STOP! I can’t do this to myself any more. Living with this cruel, manipulative, liar is destroying my life. The price is my life. I will take back what is left, sever the relationship and move forward.” This can be achieved. Many report that they are very relieved, that their stress levels have plummeted, that no one is telling them what to do or threatening them in the middle of the night. They now are the authors of their own lives. Their creativity and sense of self is expanding and deepening. The don’t have a price. They are psychologically free, emotionally open and are moving down a path of discovery, mutual understanding, creativity and inner peace. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic sociopaths are a growing in our current societal climate of greed, ruthlessness and lack of conscience. The sociopath I am describing is the bloodless kind—one who doesn’t cause direct physical violence. The people that I describe are much too clever to get caught. They appear to follow laws and rules. They thrive on an image of high achievement, well honed social skills, the appearance of empathy (called pseudo empathy) personal charisma and a tremendous capacity of persuasion. Meeting one of these individuals, one can feel their personal magnetism. This is the irresistible bait that hooks many people into their world. Beneath the surface, inside the narcissistic sociopath is their belief that they are superior and in complete control of others.

They are exploitive of everyone, especially those whom they marry. They fool most people; that’s how cunning and clever they are. If you have been married to a narcissist for a while you know that your life is being controlled by your partner on many levels. On the surface it doesn’t appear that way. The spouse is often reaping the benefits of the sociopath’s success and public prominence—-even the image of a “good character” he has created for himself. Spouses of narcissistic sociopaths often have their own careers and believe that they are savvy about human nature. Despite your successes, your sociopathic spouse is using you as a narcissistic supply to reach his goals not yours. Your deep feelings, worries, inner thoughts don’t matter to him. Sociopaths are not familiar with their inner selves nor are they the least bit interested in what another person is feeling.They are very cunning at reading other when it is to their advantage. They often take their opponents and enemies off center and throw them aside. This is often the case with spouses married to narcissistic sociopaths. These individuals cannot be loyal to anyone, their wives included. They lead many lives with different women in secret. They have girlfriends, mistresses, short and long affairs, etc. This is very exciting to them. Even the danger of getting caught allures them to the chase and conquest.

Many wives of narcissistic sociopaths avert their eyes to the unethical, immoral and often illegal activities in which their husbands are engaged. They don’t want to know the details so that they can pretend that they are married to a decent person and that their lives will remain predictable, secure financially and exciting socially. The enraged, threatening, dismissive, outrageously demanding sociopath comes to the surface sometimes in public but most often in private. He has no respect for your person. You can be tormented day and night by this highly disturbed individual. You are blamed for his mistakes. You are told that you will be replaced. He looks in your face and screams about your appearance: “You’re ugly and getting old. I can’t stand looking at you any more.” “You ungrateful b—-! I’ve given everything to you and gotten nothing in return but misery.”
The narcissistic sociopath foams at the mouth with poisonous projections that enter your mind and body and create a state of siege inside that cannot be quieted. You develop physical symptoms from the 24/7 stress and insomnia. It is hard to get food down. This is a crisis that must be addressed. At this point some spouses decide that they can no longer live this way. They are harming themselves, staying with a threatening abusive spouse. If they have children they recognize that this family constellation is toxic to them as well. Spouses that leave narcissistic sociopaths go through a process of severing the emotional ties to this individual even though they have been mistreated throughout the marriage. For others there is a great relief.

After the divorce, the spouses who made this decision re-direct their lives. They are no longer being controlled or threatened. Some find that good psychotherapy is important in going through the process of becoming completely independent from their previous life. The creative juices begin to flow once more. Opportunities for healthy relationships with friends new and old are a great source of support. The freed spouse now defines herself, is unfettered and learns to appreciate a peaceful environment outside and deep within the self. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Those who are married to narcissists are not treated as individuals. You are the ultimate living narcissistic supply. What could be better for a narcissist to have a woman at his side who projects the perfect image and enhances the narcissist’s persona in business and public life. You have your own profession and career. You deserve tremendous credit for all of the smart work you have done to build your professional status and to achieve the respect of your business associates and your bosses. Despite the excellent work you are doing and what you are achieving and mastering, your narcissistic spouse is not impressed. He may use your work status as a way of embroidering his image but in private you are demeaned and treated like an inferior.

Narcissists are incapable of empathy or intimacy of any kind. The spouse is an object that the narcissist possesses. Many spouses of narcissists report that while they were married to the narcissist they felt like they were leading his or her life not their own. Narcissistic spouses are often very envious of their husbands or wives. They perceive you as a possible power threat in the relationship. When this becomes obvious, that’s when their verbal attacks step out. The non-narcissistic spouse is worn down by the constant unrelenting put downs, verbal assaults, humiliating remarks and attempts to high jack your personal and professional life. Some spouses are so subdued and brainwashed that they feel forced to ask permission from the narcissist even in making personal decisions. If you have a great idea, the narcissistic spouse criticizes you , then decides it was his concept in the first place and it is brilliant.

After spending a number of years married to a narcissist, the partner often become emotionally, psychologically and physically exhausted. There is very little respite. Some spouses report that they can’t wait for their narcissistic spouse to leave on business trips. The abused spouse counts the hours before departure.
Some abused spouses finally recognize that they don’t deserve to be treated like objects or possessions. They come to these realizations through psychotherapy, their own insights and close friendships that provide them with loving support and patient listening. Spouses who make the decision to renew their lives by leaving the imprisonment of marriage to a narcissist re-discover that they are unique individuals who deserve respect, the use of all of the creative gifts and islands of inner peace. The journey is worth the challenge it often takes to extricate oneself from a narcissistic spouse. Keep your concentration and focus on your goal—reclaiming the person you were born to become. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Making the decision to divorce a narcissistic spouse can be wrenching even after you can identify this person as a severe personality disorder who is not going to change. In many cases there are shared financial resources, residences and other possessions that will require division. The narcissist always lies about his true assets and often conceals them when serious talk of divorce fills the air. Make sure you choose an excellent attorney who understands the ruthless games of the narcissist, their no limits attitude and lack of conscience and of course their incredible acting skills. You’d be wise picking a jacksonville divorce attorney to defend you confidently and confront the narcissist by seeing through their manipulative tendencies. Be prepared for the plots and plans, their pity, and martyr roles. Follow their assets with a microscope. In some instances forensic accountants are hired to get to the bottom of what the narcissistic spouse has hidden. After the final papers are signed and the divorce is a reality, the non-narcissistic spouse is left to put back together his/her lives.

After the narcissist the spouse who has been through an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride and has sustained great stress and trauma goes through a process of rebuilding the self. For years and even decades your life has been dictated by the controlling narcissist. In effect you were a prisoner of your marriage. The narcissist made all of the rules and you were expected to obey. Your life was overshadowed by this highly pathological human being.

Now that you are free, you may find yourself going through a period of adjusting to making your own decisions and rediscovering your creative gifts. For other spouses , they move into first gear very quickly—they are prisoners who have been waiting for the gates of freedom to open. These individuals began to bloom and thrive. They discover that they have great amounts of energy. They feel their freedom. They discover that they feel great making their own decisions. They experience joy in recovering their great creative gifts from the past and finding talents that they didn’t realize they had. This is a process of restoring your life. There is a freedom with other people. You can express yourself spontaneously, create new meaningful relationships that are supportive and healing. Some of those who divorce narcissists begin healing practices of yoga and meditation that result in deeper healing and a sense of peace. The sense of a solid self is built on a firm foundation of knowing who you are and accepting and loving yourself. There are so many reports of those who free themselves from narcissistic spouses that are inspirational and bring light into our lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I hear life stories every day about women and men who believed that the person they married genuinely loved them. What they didn’t know was that this individual was a narcissistic personality and that made all the difference. One of the common themes is for the non-narcissistic spouse to begin to see the psychological and emotional cracks in the partnership quite early. She overrides these observations and makes a greater effort to be more understanding and patient with her spouse. Inside she blames herself for letting her partner down. She takes the burden of her spouse’s severe pathology upon herself. (I am using the feminine gender since statistically most narcissists are still males–but the females are growing in numbers). There are some “good times” that are cherished by the spouse. She continues to believe that she can “fix the marriage.” She doesn’t understand the true dark nature of the narcissist. Why would she? Her assumption is that most people are genuine, honest and caring and that the marriage is a true partnership. Narcissists don’t marry—they create arrangements that work for them.

As the marriage deteriorates the narcissists makes more outrageous demands on his spouse. The bouts of bottomless rage increase. The recriminations and accusations are stepped up. If you have children, the narcissist is a father in name only. Often he portrays himself as a workaholic while he is having affairs on the side. He is a man of many identities—a consummate actor who always gets what he wants. Narcissists can exploit their partner to the breaking point. They don’t care if you are weak, exhausted, ill, depressed, anxious or desperate. They will use and abuse to the max. And when they are finished they will discard you. This can end in a very ugly divorce where the injured spouse is left with almost no financial resources. The narcissist has planned in advance and cunningly whisked them away.

Your marriage to a narcissist does not have to end this way. Identify these individuals as early as possible. Make your own plans to free yourself from them. Keep your exit strategy to yourself. Gather your support group around you–It only takes one loving person to help you through this ordeal and passed it to freedom.
Pay close attention to your intuition. Do not override this invaluable gift. It will tell you exactly who this person is whom you married. There is an indomitable spirit inside of you that is strong, steady and sure. Listen to that internal voice. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Many women and some men speak about their traumatic and turbulent marriages to narcissists. Some of them have been married to these individuals for decades and continue to return to this abusive environment. The narcissistic spouse makes empty promises often after one of these egregious blow-ups. He might even cry and tell you what a horrible person he has been. Now he is so sorry and he desperately wants to change. He will even go into therapy to get professional guidance. ( If a narcissist goes into therapy it is for a very short time and changing himself is not the motive.)

Narcissistic spouses stray frequently and find various partners–often more than one at a time. Wives often suspect this but put it out of their minds as too painful to acknowledge. They rationalize and say—“It’s just my imagination–it couldn’t be true.” “I know he loves me.”

If you don’t go by the narcissist’s stringent rules, he/she will punish you and if you refuse to bow to his will, he will threaten to leave you and take all of the assets. This is enough to scare a lot of spouses,especially if they have been married to one of the pariah’s for a long period of time. In some cases there has been physical abuse perpetrated by the narcissist. Mostly it is a constant barrage of criticism, humiliations, barked orders, perpetual disappoint with you because you are not perfect like him. At times the narcissist goes his own way and threatens divorce, leaving you alone for weeks at a time while he is on business trips. When he returns, you are still walking on pins and needles, wondering if he is serious about a separation. Women who are financially independent often have great difficulty deciding to sever the relationship with their narcissistic spouse. They have become accustomed to the abuse. Sometimes it is a familiar reprise of their victimization as children. Beneath it all, they don’t feel worthy of someone who is empathic and kind to them.

There comes a time for many non-narcissistic spouses when they make the decision that they cannot and will not play the back and forth recycling game of the narcissistic spouse. This time they have had more than enough. They quietly make their plans without revealing them to the narcissistic spouse. They make sure that their personal finances are in order and plan their separation from this non-partner. Some of them fair well with skilled psychotherapy, the help of their friends and family and finally a focus on their own lives– professional and personal. They realize that they deserve to be respected, to live with inner peace and to utilize all of their creative gifts to the utmost. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Intuition is an instantaneous knowing of the truth. It is faster than rational thought. You cannot study or analyze the truth that comes forth from intuition. To get in touch with your intuition it is essential that you are in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system that part of us that represents the calming healing part of ourselves. this is both scientific and mystical. Everyone can learn to tune in to his intuition if you become receptive to this great gift.
Deep breathing through the nostrils that is done through yoga asanas is one of the ways to get in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system. Gentle yoga poses using nostril breathing calms the nervous system and puts us in a state of restoration. The more often we are consistently in this state the stronger our capacity to heal. Powers of intuition are enhanced by calming the body and the mind.

The narcissist overwhelms everyone in his environment. He is the powerful one, the ruler and controller of everyone’s life. When you grow up with or are married to a narcissist, your life does not belong to you. the narcissist has chosen acolytes. It is not unusual for narcissistic parents to pick one or two children whom they mold into perfect replicas of themselves. These individuals are conditioned to becoming false grandiose selves that develop into narcissistic personalities.

Those who are married to narcissists often wake up and realize that they are being abused, that their lives are narrowing, their options diminishing, their gifts are faded memories, their energies are sapped. They have reached a turning point. They start studying the narcissistic personality everywhere they can get this material. They open their eyes and recognized sometimes for the first time that their parents are narcissists and that they are married to a narcissist or that they have narcissistic siblings or an entire narcissistic family. They are at a decision point pivotal to the rest of their lives. They now know they can no longer live as a prisoner of the narcissist. They move step by step toward detaching themselves psychologically from this toxic individual. Some find help with skilled psychotherapists who understand the true nature of the narcissist and can form a strong therapeutic alliance that will provide them with support and insight. Developing your deep intuition is part of the freedom process. Use the techniques that work for you to become more and more receptive to your intuition. It is waiting for you to ask for assistance. The more often you use this great gift the more powerful and natural to you it becomes. Intuition is very real and can be highly developed with consistent work. It is part of your pathway to freedom and protection from the narcissist in your life and opens the doors to healing and the reclaiming of your real self. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and Intenrational
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

 

The worldly power of High Level Narcissistic Sociopaths is growing. The narcissistic style has become the norm among different “in” groups withing the society. It is perfectly ok if not expected to be ruthless to succeed. If you are not ruining someone else’s career so that you can get ahead, then you are not living up to your potential. This is the real attitude (not openly discussed) in many corporations. Those who make crucial decisions without regard to clients or co-workers has become the norm in many work environments.

This is also true in our personal lives. So many women and men are drawn to this personality disorder. They are charming, convincing. They are tremendous actors and sell themselves to you. They begin by focusing like a laser beam on how beautiful, handsome, brilliant, talented you are. You are the most extraordinary person they have ever met. Their magic begins like a gravitational pull we can;t resist. They are very persistent when they are after you. They are masterful at the chase and in winning you. Tremendous seducers.

Are you married to one of these individuals? Does your spouse lack empathy? Does he or she only have conscience when it means getting caught? Is he a master of lying? Is he highly critical of you despite all of your efforts? Is there always a sense of his superiority and your inferiority? Are you subject to non-stop rages that can go on and off for days at a time? Is he unscrupulous about how he makes money? Has he been responsible for causing professional and/or financial harm to others in his professional life? Are you being used by this person to enhance his image? Is there a genuine lack of affection and caring when you need support? These selfish individuals always come first even if you have been married to them for decades. Some spouses stay with the narcissistic sociopath because they are very successful and provide a very comfortable lifestyle. You are being criticized and dismissed. The narcissist is wearing you down. Your creative gifts are being squandered.

If your spouse is a narcissistic sociopath you can make the decision to stay in the “relationship” or sever it. Think about the life that you deserve–to be respected, to use all of your creative gifts, to have a sense of inner peace and privacy, to be valued for yourself. No other person can tell you what to think, what to feel and how to use your unique gifts. Learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com