Tag: Narcissistic Personality

One of the most painful psychological themes that I am hearing is that of the scapecoated daughter of a narcissistic mother. The narcissistic mother is ruler of her children and her spouse. She is cold, insensitive, unempathic, manipulative, ruthless and conniving. One might ask: Why does a narcissistic woman have children? Not because she will love them but to use them as narcissistic supplies that provide her with endless bragging rights. Her children are props that swell her enormous ego like her fine jewelry, well cut suits, shoe collections, sexual conquests, career advancements, etc.

As little children these daughters suffer horribly. They are prisoners within their own homes. HIding in their rooms, crying alone, reading endlessly to fill their minds with anything but their mother’s screams, these daughters have no life of their own. Narcissistic mothers are highly intrusive. It is not unusual for them to secretly scour their daughter’s room when she is out or at school. She wants to know her secrets and then use them as ammunition for greater abuse. Narcissistic mothers can go in the other direction of ignoring their daughters altogether and leaving them completely unprotected. They prefer their boyfriends and women friends and the many parties they attend to their children. For a narcissist, a daughter is a burden unless she can be used. Some narcissistic mothers even use their daughters as male magnets for themselves. This is a perverse and highly immoral role some narcissistic mothers play. Their daughters become sexual bait. These mothers cross the line to sociopathy since they have no regard for their daughter’s psychological or physical safety.

The scapegoated daughter has a difficult time respecting herself. In some instances, other family members, grandmothers, grandfathers, fathers, aunts, nannies, babysitters, adult female friends can help to fill the void left by the narcissistic mother. Some daughters spend their lives repairing the psychological damage they have sustained. The palliative destructive answers of alcohol, drugs and sex can take daughters on lengthy detours that lead nowhere.

Many daughters find their way. using their intellectual and emotional intelligence to persevere and carve out a life for themselves. They find solace in education. I have known scapegoated women who worked by day and went to school at night for over twenty years to advance themselves. That is dedication and character. There are daughters who benefit a great deal from skilled psychotherapy. Through the therapeutic process,they recognize and feel the pit of their maternal loss, work it through and learn how to love and mother themselves. Psychological healing takes place all of our lives, whether we are seeing a therapist or not. We are the healer and the healed. We are the mother and the mothered. Ultimately, we are not our mothers; we are ourselves. Time for a victory lap! Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissistic mother is a mother in name only. She gives her child a “cold embrace” if she makes any effort at all. These mothers are incapable of empathy–the capacity to understand and put ourselves into another person’s place psychologically and emotionally.

Narcissistic mothers have different ways of not mothering. Some of them appear to be ideal mothers on the outside. They are obsessed with creating and molding the perfect son or daughter who will reflect their perfection and provide them with a source of constant narcissistic supplies. “Your daughter is so beautiful and bright. You are doing an incredible job raising her.” “Your son is a superior student. You are the inspiration for his search for excellence.” The stories from outsiders accumulate to create mountains of praise and adulation for the narcissistic mother. The child is being forced to become a false self and discard his individuality and genuineness. The narcissistic mother is only concerned about how her child enhances her image.

Some narcissistic mothers discard their children and let them know that they were never wanted and are a burden. They do this in various ways. Many narcissistic mothers send their children to boarding school, even at a tender age, to get them off their hands. Putting a child in a prestigious school fits the bill for them perfectly. After all, the child is getting a fine education and from their point of view is being well cared for. It all looks so protective and legitimate from the outside.

Some narcissistic mothers are painfully direct with how much they dislike or even loathe their children. They are neglectful and emotionally and physically abusive. Small children are often left alone for long periods of time with only a neighbor with a key as protection. Some narcissistic mothers don’t even bother. They let the children fend for themselves and they are often left alone at night.

I have heard from a number of children of narcissistic mothers. It is remarkable how many of them have turned out to be strong, kind and productive human beings. Recently, I spoke with a daughter of a narcissistic mother. She told me that as a small child she recognized that something was very wrong with her mother. She was not real or caring. She vowed to grow up and not be like her mother. She had succeeded beautifully. Recovering as the daughter of a narcissistic mother is a complex process but well worth the journey. To learn more about identifying narcissists, understanding their psychodynamics and childhood roots and learning how to successfully deal with them, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email. lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I have been getting emails from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers for a long time. These life stories are moving; they are filled with expressions of deep psychological pain experienced over many decades. In so many instances these children have suffered deprivation and psychological and emotional abuse of all kinds since they were small children. Narcissistic mothers cannot love their children. Some of these mothers appear to have a deep devotion to their child. In these cases the narcissistic mother finds certain qualities and talents in her child that can be developed to enhance her image and provide her with an unending source of bragging rights and narcissistic supplies. Having a gorgeous daughter, academically gifted son or daughter, standout athlete, pumps up the family image of perfection and high achievement. The narcissistic mother watches everyone turning to her as the source of such extraordinary progeny.

In this post I am speaking directly to those adult children of narcissistic mothers who are still suffering from the mother wound—the legacy of having a parent who is incapable of love, who cares only about herself and exploits and controls her children to satisfy her rapacious ego needs. I am reaching out to those who grew up in this highly dysfunctional and hurtful family constellation to stop blaming yourselves for the cruelties, coldness and traumas heaped upon you by your narcissistic mother. No matter what sacrifice you make, how many times you turn yourself inside out and relinquish the sanctity of your life, you cannot change your narcissistic parent.

What you can do is begin to recognize your own value as an individual who has endured and survived a very brutal childhood. Don’t expect most people to understand how deeply you have suffered. I find that very few individuals comprehend the pain of others unless they have consciously experienced deprivation and psychological pain in their childhoods and have worked hard with will and perseverance to unlock and heal these childhood traumas through quality psychotherapy or other healing modalities. You are no longer alone as you were as a small child at the mercy of a narcissistic mother. You now have options and pathways to transform psychological pain, to heal and move forward to lead the life that you deserve—-filled with insight, creativity, compassion, joy and inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a great challenge in their lives. Many of them don’t realize that their mothers are narcissistic until they are adults themselves. Many daughters knew right away that mother was cold and distant, not hugable, didn’t pay real attention to them, was preoccupied with her own life and that was all that mattered, was too psychologically fused with her husband to make room for her and the other children. These daughters go through a tremendous ordeal recognizing and then struggling to redefine themselves as individuals who are authentic and separate. I have communicated with many daughters who have prevailed and have re-found their true selves. This is a great victory.

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers can go through a process of healing, a time of individuating from the narcissistic mother. There is a psychological blooming that takes place. One of the first steps is acknowledging that you deserve to be treated with respect and empathy. Another is self care, rediscovering your creative gifts, learning to still the mind through meditation, gentle yoga and other practices that foster inner peace. Finding your own expression of creativity in the form that appeals to your inclinations is very freeing, especially for daughters of narcissistic mothers who were so controlling and manipulative. Along the way, nurture true friendships of trust that are reciprocal. A deep authentic friendship helps us to see our inner and outer world in a new way and to nourish ourselves. Practice the art of becoming less judgmental. Enjoy your spontaneity and the uses of the imagination as well as your delightful sense of humor. Humor saves us every time. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of narcissistic mothers suffer horribly as young children and adults. Many of them don’t recognize that their mother was a narcissist until years into their adulthood. They believed the family story-what was told to them by mother. Mother was the center of attention in the household. She always got what she wanted from everyone, including her husband and children. When we grow up in this kind of family, it is what we believe. These daughters learn to fade into the woodwork or become their mother’s 24/7 servants, always at their disposal. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers idealize them, remembering how beautiful they were. They want to emulate their mothers and become just like them. They see the kind of attention that these women attract—they are always at center stage, getting all of the attention and praise. They believe they are special and treated that way. The little daughter is willing to take mother’s crumbs as long as she can maintain some semblance of a relationship with her. Often the father is marginalized very early and used as a prop for monetary and image reasons.

It isn’t surprising that as these daughters grow up and begin to find romantic partners that they would be beguiled by the narcissistic men. These charmers are masters at captivating women. As they speak their lines they are clever method actors who believe what they are saying. This is their role and they are playing it to the hilt. Many daughters of narcissists repeat the pattern of becoming deeply involved with another narcissist—a spouse. This is a psychological pattern of unconscious repetition. We go back to the familiar, what we learned early in our lives and normalized. I have communicated with many daughters who have repeated this pattern and awakened to see what they were doing—repeating the psychological abuse that was heaped on them as children. Many of these daughters recognize what they are doing, feel the full force of its negative psychological effect on them, educate themselves about the narcissistic personality and make the necessary break with the narcissistic spouse. As painful as a divorce can be and often is, they have decided that they will do anything they can to reclaim themselves and their lives. Now they are free to be emotionally and psychologically independent for the first time. They are taking full initiative with the direction of their lives, their relationships, the use of their creative gifts and the direction of their spiritual goals. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website, www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic mothers don’t stop the battles—even long after their daughters are fully grown. It is psychologically very painful to grow up as the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Being the small child of a narcissistic mother is a horror. I hear from adult daughters who have survived these childhoods of extreme deprivation and cruel unending abuse. The acrimony, cruelty and combativeness of the narcissistic mother continues throughout the adulthood of these women. Elder narcissistic mothers often carry on this malevolent abuse through narcissistic siblings who have colluded with them. If there is money involved, the narcissistic siblings close ranks against the non-narcissistic daughter. They spew malicious projections on to their victimized sibling(s). Sadly, some of these victimized daughters add to their pain by making overtures to the narcissistic mother. They cannot believe that a mother, their mother, doesn’t love them on any level. Some of them live in a state of shock, wondering what they have done to become the object of such cruelty. These daughters have done nothing wrong. They are dealing with a mother who suffers from a severe personality disorder.

If you are the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother, don’t expect her to change. This personality disorder is rigid and fixed. Narcissists believe that they are perfect, superior to others, even their children. Many narcissistic mothers believe that they are good parents. They accuse their daughters of being spoiled and ungrateful. Another tack is to flat out lie and call their own daughter(s) “crazy.” There are narcissistic mothers who spread malicious rumors of mental instability throughout the family and friends about their mentally unstable daughter(s).

For some adult daughters, a time of reckoning and decision comes. The accumulation of too much psychological pain, horrible distress, chronic self-doubt, deep sadness and confusion reaches a crisis point. There are daughters who reach a turning point and finally recognize that there is nothing they can do to change their narcissistic mothers, that they were and are not responsible nor should be blamed for this parent’s delusional thinking and complete lack of empathy. Some of these adult daughters make the decision to sever the “relationship” from their narcissistic mothers. They decide not to have any contact with these individuals.

Many of these daughters do the work of healing themselves. Some of them seek quality psychotherapy. They re-start their lives, recognizing that they are valuable individuals in their own right. They develop a sense of self entitlement. They grow in their renewed strength of their separate identities and the use of their creative gifts. They discover the inner peace they have been yearning for all of their lives. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic daddies often have favorite daughters. They pick a child who is their special narcissistic supply. Often she is beautiful, full of confidence, bright, an attention getter. From the beginning the narcissistic dad gives this child all of his attention—ignoring his other children. Narcissists are incapable of loving anyone genuinely. But in this case the narcissistic daddy’s girl is the ultimate narcissistic supply. She is the living emblem of her father’s perfect image. She is the prize, the golden girl, the one who is going to make her daddy shine. Sometimes there is an erotic tie between these fathers and daughters. Although there is no explicit sexual behavior between the two, one senses that a relationship that is charged with something beyond plain affection. This union continues throughout childhood. Often mother is jealous of this special relationship and feels hurt and left out. This is a pathological triangle. The narcissistic daughter defers to her father, knowing that she can get anything from him with just a flash of a smile, a tilt of the hip, a tiny wink.

Nothing is lost on these narcissistic daddy’s girls. They grow up and a large number of them become full fledged narcissistic women who victimize their spouses. The repetition has gone full circle. We now have a rampaging narcissistic female spouse making her husband’s life hellish. She is demanding, controlling, openly cruel, vindictive, demeaning. She constantly humiliates her husband and when she can’t get what she wants (which is everything) she returns to daddy, makes nice and nicer—and bingo—She’s gets exactly what she wanted and more. This pattern continues all of her life. She leaves many broken hearts and marriage behind her without a pinch of conscience or a backward glance. Protect yourself from narcissistic daddy’s girls. Research and learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com