Have you talked with a narcissist lately and heard the blather that comes out of their mouths? They are obsessed with the externals of life–how much money they have made and are making–their perfect homes which they continue to re-do constantly-their perfect children who are brilliant and are headed for M.D’s.–medical specialties only, big pharma, high level positions in hi-tech, Wall Street firms, hedge fund management, etc. (There are individuals of excellent character who go into professions that pay them very well. They provide services to others as a result of their schooling and training.)
Narcissistic parents reinforce materialism, competitiveness at any cost, the cult of image over substance, a lack of morality that says:”I’ve got mine; the hell with you.” and looks down on those who have not succeeded in the world. If your life has taken hard turns and landed you in a number of ditches–financial, medical, psychological—forget asking for help from a narcissist, especially a member of your own family. They will cut you to the quick—telling you that it is your fault that you got yourself into this mess. They play the superiority card. Nothing in their lives has gone wrong financially—They have not experienced those horrendous dips or engulfing pot holes that swallow you up–the medical bills that pile up, the bad credit scores that come afterward, the illness that threatens your lives. They are above it all.
You have worked hard all of your life. You have been dealt a very tough hand to play. You are an ethical and moral person who will not cheat or take from others. Today people are not measured by the content of their characters– their empathy, the suffering they have endured, their kindness to other people. This current Narcissistic Society evaluates you by what you own and how much money you have—-that is the sum total of your worth as an individual from a narcissistic point of view. This would all be pathetic if it wasn’t so harmful to those who are suffering so intensely.
There is something called luck or fate. It cab determine much of what is going to happen to us. Luck is real. Lucrative business connections are real. Being ruthless is real. Narcissists are completely ruthless and treacherous–especially with business associates whom they vanquish and with members of their own family. Narcissists focus on money, power, and their personal image every waking moment. (They are restless and don’t think deeply or are capable of seeing themselves from the inside) If there is money involved and you have a narcissistic mother, father or sibling (or all of the above) –watch out! The money threat will be held over your head for the rest of your life if you don’t make the decision that it doesn’t matter and you recognize that your destiny is not about money alone. Obviously, we all have to find a way to live each day. By the way it is a very rare person who understands the pain involved in not having enough money for rent, food and clothing. I have discovered that there are very few people with huge financial resources who have the capacity to understand what it feels like every day worrying about where your next dollar is coming from. It is equally rare for those who have not experienced tragedy in their lives to deeply understand it and have compassion and mercy for those who have endured it.
For many it becomes impossible with acquaintances, friends and family members (including spouses) to listen to the criticisms, humiliations, impertinent questions of those who simply refuse to understand and turn a cruel, blind eye to the one who is suffering the most. These are not relationships; they are opportunities for the narcissist to feel superior and victorious. The narcissist is in massive denial about himself and his entire life. These misperceptions will never change. The die has been cast; the hard shell of the narcissistic personality cannot be cracked to let the light of compassion in. They are fixed and immutable.
Narcissists do not belong in your world. They rattle and disturb everyone around them. If you work with a narcissist, you will find ways to cope with them through detachment from their sickness and maintaining your secure psychological boundaries.
It is your personal decision to keep them out of your personal life. Your life is precious. It is headed in the direction of pursuing truth not narcissistic delusion. Your life is creative—use all of your gifts. You are a loving person–share your heart. I know many individuals who have simplified their lives and have found comfort, creative productivity and calm in making this decision. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com