Narcissistic Mother-Indifferent,Cruel,No Empathy

I recently observed a scene at a post office that I found to be both disturbing and revealing. At the front of the line, a mother was holding a carrier which contained a tiny infant. I am assuming that this was a mother and her new born child. The baby wailed during the entire time that the mother was there. The mother made no eye contact with the baby. She was preoccupied with obtaining passport papers. When the sounds from the carrier became more intense she picked up the handles and mechanically swinged the container back and forth in a careless fashion. The baby continued to wail with plaintive, raw cries that didn’t have the tone of hunger but one of desperation. The baby stopped for short periods of time, gathered its strength and resumed his pleas. At no time did the mother acknowledge the presence of the infant or make any effort to remove the baby from the carrier to comfort or minister to it. She was on a mission that would not be interrupted, even by her distressed newborn child.

I thought about this incident and how much it metaphorically reminds me of the suffering of children of narcissistic mothers.
The narcissistic mother cares only about herself and her life. Her child is a narcissistic supply, a kind of commodity from whom she receives narcissistic supplies (ego satisfactions) Although many of these mothers appear to take care for their children (feed, clothe them), genuine emotional attachment is non-existent.

A particular child can be chosen as a result of his/her physical attractiveness, intelligence, winning personality, athletic or artistic gifts, to be special as a perfect mirror of the perfection of the narcissistic mother. Another sibling is treated dismissively as it he didn’t exist. Some children of narcissistic mothers become the receptacle for her primitive, aggressive, hateful projections. They are constantly criticized and punished. Nothing that they do, say or accomplish is acknowledged, only ridiculed. The narcissistic mother has a “relationship” with her child “based on manipulation not love and respect.” “A narcissistic parent is incapable of empathy, the ability to understand or care about how someone else is feeling…A life dedicated exclusively to self cannot encompass a genuine love of one’s (child)”

Some children of narcissistic mothers follow a pattern of entering into dysfunctional, painful relationships with partners who have many of the personality characteristics of their mothers. Those who become aware of this destructive pattern and obtain professional help are able to grieve the loss of not having a mother who genuinely loved them as an individual. Through the hard work of the healing process, children of narcissistic mothers can learn to appreciate their individuality, their unique identities and gifts, the child deep inside of them and begin life anew. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
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