Self Help - Mental Nealth - The Narcissist In Your Life

Healing from the Narcissistic Mother

I hear from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers. Their psychological pain is particularly poignant. As children they feel inadequate and confused, returning many times to mother for the love and contact she is incapable of giving. They don’t understand that a narcissistic mother lives for herself alone. Even as very small children mother is emotionally distanced. I have communicated with many children of narcissistic mothers who remember that mother was always unavailable—night and day. She was a very “busy” woman. Some of these children were raised by nannies or put in day care when they were tiny infants. Mother couldn’t wait to take them off of her hands. With friends mother bragged about her wonderful children. In family pictures and during holidays there were public displays of the “happy family”, the “loving mother” and her beautiful children. This is the image that mother insisted on presenting to her friends and the world. Image replaces reality for the narcissist.

Within the walls of their home, mother treated these children with coldness, dismissiveness, constant criticisms. Often she would fly into volcanic rage over the smallest issue. If mother got stirred up she projected her venom on to her children. Narcissistic mothers often pit one child against the other. These enmities between siblings can last a lifetime. If the narcissistic mother chooses a favorite child who is a psychological twin, the rest of the children are treated as inferior and worthless. The narcissistic mother colludes with the golden child, providing him/her with every educational opportunity. He/she is the recipient of all the praise, entitlement and raised to a position of prominence in the family. I have heard of homes that were filled with trophies or certificates earned by the golden child throughout the years. His/her siblings were required to look up to this chosen child and to obey them. These situations can turn very ugly. The chosen child can inflict severe psychological damage on his siblings. They are often threatened and intimidated and treated with severe humiliation.

Healing begins with the recognition that your mother was/is a narcissist. This is not your fault; you are a victim of narcissistic abuse. You cannot change this mother. Her personality structure is fixed and rigid. You can change you understanding and perception of her and yourself. Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you were strong enough to survive maternal narcissistic abuse. That is an incredible achievement. Be patient with yourself. You will heal. Give yourself the space and time to do this. You will find others who have suffered this mother wound. Some find comfort and understanding in support groups or find close friends who share similar backgrounds. In some cases psychotherapy is helpful in dealing with these issues. Be sure that the therapist has a deep understanding of the narcissistic personality disorder. Practice calming the mind and body through gentle yoga with emphasis on calming breath, various forms of meditation including guided meditation and other healing modalities. Know that you will reclaim your life. There is a powerful force inside of you that has been waiting all of this time to reclaim your individuality and the inner peace that you deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Staying Married to a Sociopathic Narcissist for the Lifestyle-Not Good for Anyone II

Sociopathic narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder but are further along the spectrum to being sociopaths. They are self absorbed, highly manipulative, chronic liars, lead double and triple lives and have absolutely no empathy (They fake it very well.) Women are drawn to them and often find them irresistible. These men (and there are female sociopathic narcissists) are so clever that they have fooled many psychotherapists. Sociopathic narcissists are often obsessed with wealth–obtaining it, removing it from others and growing it to increase their power in the world. Many of those who today are standouts in our societal and political system are sociopathic narcissists. They know how to play every angle and loophole of the law, surrounded by a cadre of clever lawyers who know exactly how to play the legal system. They spend hundreds of thousands of dollar each year to make sure that they can sue whoever is getting in their way.

Women who marry these pathological individuals often do so without realizing it. That’s how charming and convincing they are. Sociopathic narcissists are consummate actors and facilely move from one part to the next. They can be philanthropic if it suits their image and will provide them with essential narcissistic supplies of praise and adulation.

In the home they are tyrants. Some women make the deal with the devil and stay married to them because they are leading a life on the surface that is filled with the excitement of living at the top tier of the social ladder. It is very tempting to have a public image that is admired, to be friends with the movers and shakers, to know that you are beyond financially secure and that your investments, trusts and portfolio will expand and bulge.

From a psychological perspective, this picture is not so lovely. Those who marry sociopathic narcissists will eventually experience the sharp, ugly, treacherous side of this personality. Once the bright sparkle has come off of the marriage, the sociopathic narcissist reveals his fangs and they are sharp and ready to tear without mercy. When this spouse is no longer intrigued with you and you cannot supply him any longer, you become the enemy is despises and intends to vanquish. Spouses on the receiving end speak of endless tirades, dreadful humiliations, demands for perfection and even apologies (for what–being human) Some women decide that they must stay in the marriage to protect the children and the family. They don’t realize the severe psychological damage this causes their children. A child would rather have one loving parent in reduced material circumstances than be trapped in a family from hell with a sociopathic narcissist. I have heard too many stories on this theme and know that children choose love, protection and caring over anything material.

If you are in the process about considering a divorce from a sociopathic narcissist, take time to research your plan of action. Interview attorneys, Ask the hard questions that will indicate if they are qualified to work for you and get the best result for you and your children. Tune in carefully and ask questions that will reveal if the lawyer you have chosen understands how sociopathic narcissists operate. Make sure your attorney has the knowledge, understanding of the dark edge of human nature and the courage to represent you. It is worth interviewing several attorneys. I know of so many women who were so stressed that they didn’t take this time and settled for someone who took their money and didn’t represent them and the interests of their children.

When you are free from living in the psychological prison of the sociopathic narcissist, you will be surprised at the changes in your thought patterns, sleep patterns, the calming of your nervous systems, the blooming of your creativity and most important—how your children are now able to live each day free from the moment to moment constraints and anxieties that their narcissistic father/mother placed on them constantly. Take credit for your courage and strength of will to travel this road to psychological and emotional freedom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists have double standards

Narcissists have “standards” for themselves and different one’s for others, especially those who are not within their privileged inner circle. The narcissist experiences himself as perfect regardless of all of his/her shortcomings, malicious acts, chronic lies, hurtful manipulations and belittling of those who are in disfavor.
This often includes their family members: spouses,children, siblings and those whom they view as rivals they are plotting to defeat. If the narcissist becomes fixated on you because he knows in advance what you can do to enhance his image or fatten his pocketbook and stock portfolio, for a while you are the answer to his dreams and desires. Once he has deluded you and gotten what he has wanted, you are discarded in exchange for someone else whom he fancies will fulfill another grand delusion. If you area married to a narcissist you know how it works with them. They are always right, perfect, without mistake and you are always wrong (even when you are incredibly competent).

When you are a child growing up in a narcissistic household you must do what is necessary to survive.When you are grown and begin to recognize the narcissist as a severe personality disorder, you will recognize with research and your own observations that these individuals are incapable of any real relationships. Narcissists always live by double standards. If you are living with one of these disturbed individuals it becomes necessary in many instances to sever your contact with them. After going through this process which is often difficult and takes a lot of perseverance, you find yourself in charge of your own life, enjoying the freedom of your personal thoughts and feelings and an upsurge in your unique creativity and your pathway to inner peace and personal growth. Visit my website www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Marital Counseling with Narcissistic Spouses-Taking a Big Chance

Many men and women marry narcissists without knowing the truth about their personality structures. This is not surprising. Narcissists appear to have it all—the image of physical attractiveness, smooth social skills, charm, even charisma combined with great self confidence. What’s not to fall for. In the beginning the narcissist is very attentive to the partner he/she has chosen. Many of these masterful manipulators bend to your every wish, even anticipating what you want before you ask for it. They are lavish in their attention and giving. As time moves on, the emotional scene changes and you notice how demanding, perfectionistic, cunning and deceptive they are. For many spouses a time comes when the non-narcissistic spouse has reached a point where she can no longer tolerate marriage to this self absorbed unempathic partner. Some spouses want to save the marriage. They unwittingly believe that they are dealing with a normal person—someone who is willing to go into therapy with the best intentions and try to sort out the mutual and individual issues that will improve their marriage. This happens frequently and doesn’t have a favorable result.

It is your decision to enter couples therapy. My clinical experience has been that narcissists believe that they are superior, have no imperfections, that problems with the marriage belong to their partner. They will either refuse to go to therapy or if they do will sabotage the process. In some cases, they persuade the therapist to take their side. That’s the cunning of the narcissistic personality disorder.

Rather than trying to fix or change your narcissistic spouse, it would be more helpful to you, if you are seeking therapy, find an excellent counselor and see them one on one. It is important that this professional has studied narcissistic personality disorder in depth and has counseled many spouses who are married to these individuals. Think about your emotional and psychological welfare first and that of your children. There are solutions. They may not preserve the marriage but they will help you to reclaim your life, your emotional and psychological well being. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Healing from A Narcissistic Sibling

You may have spent your childhood trying to get the respect and affection of one of your siblings. With an older brother or sister, the younger child often looks up to this individual as a model. The small child wants to be just like their older sibling. Some parents encourage this kind of veneration, especially if the parent(s) are grooming the older child as a golden boy (or girl) narcissist. This child is looked upon as superior. This is often the case if the selected individual is very bright and the parents idolize academic achievement. In these homes getting the highest grades and honors is considered absolutely essential in these families. There is an obsessiveness about academic achievement and professional success that begins when children are very young. Even in the womb some mothers are already planning where their child will attend college and what are the best professions for him/her to pursue. Physical attractiveness is another inherent trait that is revered by narcissistic parents and along with this the child who is magnetic, outgoing and confident. As these golden siblings grow up they are treated differently from the other siblings. They are treated with great deference. Parents believe that they are so special that they don’t have to follow the rules required by their other siblings. They can treat brothers and sisters with great cruelty and get away with it. There is a no limits attitude–do what you want, dear, attitude that pervades in these households.

Sharing your life with a narcissistic brother or sister or two siblings can be hellish. The non-narcissistic siblings feels very isolated. This child is often very sensitive and intuitive. He or she is not understood by the narcissistic parents. No one is interested about their thoughts, feelings, creative ideas. If they are fortunate they form positive relationships with good teachers and classmates with whom they can share their insights.

At home the non-narcissistic sibling is victimized—always being put down, laughed at, , in some cases, threatened with physical abuse. In some cases the narcissistic sibling routinely subjects his younger brother or sister to physical blows and then swears this terrified child to secrecy or there will be horrible revenge.
The narcissistic sibling often turns the other siblings on the scapegoated child and everyone, even the parents, chime in to demean, humiliate and even laugh at him/her. These chronic patterns of abuse are very traumatic. The child has no one to turn to, to speak with , to comfort him. These victims often grow up to be anxious adults who feel unentitled and insignificant.

You would think that the adult narcissistic sibling would grow up and start treating his brothers and sisters with affection and respect. This is not the case. They keep getting their digs in, reminding you that you are inferior and less than.

You don’t deserve to be treated with humiliation and cruelty by anyone, especially your siblings. If you have been chronically abused in one of these family constellations, you can free yourself of this dysfunctional psychological system.

Acknowledging and appreciating that you are a unique human being is the beginning of your healing. Your life has intrinsic value. You can take the reins of your destiny and choose new directions at any age. You don’t have remain stuck in a pathological family pattern. Learn to relax your mind and body. This boosts your physical, emotional and psychological health. Some people do a meditation practice consistently. This provides tremendous capacities for thinking mindfully and developing deep insights. Consistent meditation allows us to detach psychologically from what we have suffered as children and to put our live in perspective.
Surround yourself with a small support group of people who care about you and are empathic. Stretch your creative muscles; use your imagination, listen to your intuition. Learn to appreciate you spontaneity and be sure to appreciate your delightful sense of humor. to learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Stop Blaming Yourself for Your Narcissistic Mother

All of your life you have been exposed to the psychopathology of your narcissistic mother. As a small child is it very unlikely that you realized that your mother was a serious personality disorder. These mothers are cruel to their children directly and indirectly. They constantly criticize, demean and undermine their children.The only exception are the chosen daughters and sons who become the golden child monster children.

Many adult children of narcissistic mothers have internalized toxic projections of this highly disturbed parent. They believe that they are defective and at fault. Narcissistic siblings unite with the mother and reinforce these feelings of being at fault, not being good enough, never adding up, ruining the family image. When adult children research the narcissistic literature they are surprised to learn that it is the narcissistic mother who is to blame not the child. Many of these adult children go on a quest to discover who they really are. They discover insights into their true natures. They learn to appreciate their individuality and gifts. Many of them separate physically and emotionally from the narcissist mother. They will no longer be stunted, blocked, brutalized, criticized and undermined by this person even though it is your mother. It is your decision to remain connected with the NM and whether to separate from this person who is psychologically toxic.

There are many ways to heal from the narcissistic mother that include practices of quieting the mind, hatha yoga, creative writing, walking meditation, making a companion of Nature. At this point you appreciate yourself as a solid, individuated person. Celebrate you freedom and your life. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Be Prepared Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

Many spouses wait years , even decades on a wild, treacherous ride
with their narcissistic partner. As time passes they become more
miserable, weary and wary about their marital partner. There are many
rounds of couples therapy which do no good. In some cases the therapist
sides with the narcissistic spouse and convinces you that you have the
serious psychological problems that are causing problems with the
marriage. Narcissists are so clever and such fine actors that they fool
therapists with their charm and magnetism. After you have tried
everything possible and are at a turning point, you make the decision to
divorce your spouse.

I suggest you don’t announce your decision until you are fully prepared for every aspect of this event.
In some cases that are particularly acrimonious the spouse has her/his
attorney get in touch with the other side. Choosing the right attorney
is of utmost importance. It is wise to interview several lawyers who
specialize in divorce and family law. Get good referrals from your close
friends but remember that everyone is an individual. Don’t just agree to use the first lawyer you speak to, this is your future that you are trusting them with so you need to be sure the lawyer has your best interests at hear and not their billable hours. The best way to access a list of lawyers in your area is to carry out a search on your computer; if you live in Austin, Texas then you may want to search for Austin Divorce Lawyers. If it’s New York you call home, then search for NY Divorce Lawyers, and if you live in Los Angeles then you will want to search for LA Divorce Lawyers, for those who live in Massachusetts search for MA Divorce Lawyers, whevever you live just make sure to include your town, city or even state in your search term and that way you’ll be sure to find lawyers local to you, next you need to review some of their websites don’t just phone the first one you come across, make a list of the ones that you like the sound of and then call them, that way you are giving yourself the best chance to find a Divorce Lawyer that you will be comfortable in working with, one you can trust and one that you believe will have your best interest at heart. You should also consider their success rate; An uncontested divorce lawyer austin may make you more comfortable with what’s to come than one that isn’t. Don’t let others make your mind up for you, remember it is your
decision alone. In addition to the professional skills, knowledge and
expertise of the lawyer, consider his or her personality. This
individual must have a keen sense of the nature of the narcissistic
personality. You want a lawyer who is calm, competent and your loyal
advocate at all times. The attorney needs to be quick at perceiving some
new ruse the narcissist and his attorney have hatched to sabotage you.
One plan is to wear you down so far emotionally and physically that you
are not up for the challenge. Make sure you take very good care of
yourself especially during this time. Get your sleep, take time to be
quiet and calm each day through meditation, gentle yoga, exercise,
journaling—what works best for you. This is your time. Take full
advantage of it. Keep focused on your personal, creative and
professional strengths. Know that you will prevail.Turn to a few friends
whom you trust completely and allow yourself to be nurtured by them.
Some spouses that brief psychotherapy during this time is highly
supportive and informative. When you form a strong therapeutic alliance
with an excellent therapist it can make a great difference in moving
through this process. Interview several therapists if that is necessary.

Take the upper road but be keenly aware that the narcissist is a street
fighter who hits below the belt and can get down and dirty. You already
know this from being married to him/her. Don’t be surprised at the
outrageous lengths he will go to intimidate you or trap you or use a
well hatched trick to take the financial assets that are lawfully yours.
Protect your children by being tough and don’t lose your cool. The
narcissist want you off balance and out of control so he can show how
disturbed you are. He/she will lie about you. Know that the people who
are truly your friends know exactly who you are and the others who
believe him must be dismissed.

Give yourself credit.
You are about to become free after years of psychological imprisonment.
Call upon the warrior inside of you, the one who knows exactly who this
person is and also knows that you will prevail.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Ex-Spouses Psychologically Poison Their Children

Remember that narcissists are without conscience or shame. They will
never apologize for some horrible trauma they have caused you or your
children. In fact, they blame every calamity on you. They twist the
truth like a warm pretzel. Some spouses believe their lives are great because they
have been brainwashed over the years. Others are
immersed in the lifestyle that he/she provides for them. There are too
many trips, parties, lovely possessions, gifts and all the other
distractions that keep them deluded by the fantasies of having what they
want. They are like children in a candy store with unlimited amounts of
money to buy every treat they can reach.

When the
marriage disintegrates and the nasty divorce dance is over, there are custody arrangements. These always cause problems. With half and half custody the narcissistic ex-spouse
spends enough time with his/her children to psychologically poison them
against the other parent. They tell outright lies to the point of
describing an affair that the other spouse had. None of this is true.
The children find this information very alarming. What makes this even
worse is the narcissistic ex-spouse swears the children to secrecy.
Don’t say a word; this is between you and me. Narcissists thrive on
secrets. It makes them feel powerful. They control others with this
mendacity. It pits one person against the other and weakens them. They
are sadistic and love to watch others twist in the wind and lose their
psychological footing.

Maintaining a loving, open,
close relationship with your children is key to offsetting the
psychological poison of the narcissistic ex-spouse. When the
relationship is solid and loving, your children will tell you exactly
what is going on when you are not in their presence. We only need one
good loving parent or a parent surrogate.

Use your intuition and you will know what your ex-spouse is cooking up. You can smell the aromas of his deceptive stew of lies. You have the drop on him. You know the truth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Spouses Seek Revenge Taking A Pound of Your Flesh

Narcissists are always on the take. They are aggressive, unempathic, merciless and driven to get exactly what they want. If you have been married to one for years or decades, you must know that they don’t care about your feelings. They are using you for their own purposes. Everyone in their lives is expendable. They can and will replace you. Narcissistic spouses wear you down to the nub. If you are emotionally and psychologically vulnerable, you are at particular risk.

If you want to stay in the narcissist’s favor, you must mirror them perfectly. Regardless of how perfect you are and how well you follow their orders, it is never enough. If you cross them and become more independent, they seek revenge. Since they don’t have a conscience to slow them down, they go right for the jugular. They take their pound of your flesh. They kick you when you are down and take control of mutual financial assets. They know how to whisk them away in secret, leaving you vulnerable and at their mercy.

If you wait too long to divorce them and they have the upper hand, the narcissist holds the best cards. He slaps you when you are down. I know of situations of narcissistic husbands refusing to help a spouse who was physically ill. She had to drive herself to the hospital.

Narcissistic husbands and narcissistic wives out of revenge will work the mediators and courts to get custody of your children. They hire attorneys who are slick, hungry beasts.

Arm yourself with research about the true nature of the narcissist. Recognize that this person cannot change. This is a fixed personality disorder. Don’t be pulled back into the pseudo marriage by his empty promises and pitiful martyr performances. Be prepared for his tawdry act but know that he will seek revenge, get it and never look back. The narcissist is hard and cold, like a piece of stone.

Make your move to sever the relationship soon rather than later. You have courage and talents and your life ahead of you. Many before you have made this break and discovered that at the end of the tunnel there is freedom, inner peace and an expansion of your creative gifts. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Sadistic Narcissistic Mothers Aim Knives at Your Heart

Some narcissistic mothers hated you before you were born. They didn’t
want children. They were obsessed with their careers and climbing to
the very top. (Every woman who climbs to the top in her career is not a
narcissist.) This often includes finding a man that will be a
reflection of their perfection. Narcissistic women often choose weak men
whom they can completely control.

Narcissistic women
have no substance, conscience, compassion or empathy. They are highly
ambitious, very bright, exceedingly driven and determined to reach the
pinnacles of power. Narcissistic women have children not because they
are capable of love but to use as narcissistic supplies that will
burnish their external image. They can say they have it all and can do
it all. Their children are often taken care by babysitters and nannies
from the beginning of their lives. Their children are narcissistic
supplies, especially the kid that is chosen as the golden child. This
child is claimed perfect from the beginning and often becomes a budding
narcissist.

The worst narcissistic mothers are highly
sadistic. They obtain pleasure from terrifying you. When you are a baby
they startle you with their loud voice or allow the other children to
pinch you and pretend that this is a funny game. Narcissists
unconsciously despise themselves. They project their self hatred on to
their children, especially those she has placed in the role of
scapegoat.

Some of the children of narcissistic
mothers describe their childhoods as unbearable. They were constantly
hanging on by an emotional thread waiting the moment of annihilation.
Narcissistic mothers aim knives at your heart. They attempt to
de-humanize you, to take away your integrity, to humiliate you. This
works with some children who simply give up the fight and hide in the
shadows and escape deep into their minds. Some children numb out and
freeze their feelings. The very sensitive child feels his/her sadistic
narcissistic mother’s knife pointed at her heart. She is a child caught
up in combat who feels her life psychologically endangered. The sadistic
mother thrills at watching her child in primal terror. Now she has
complete control over this person.

Keep your heart
open, secure and free. As the adult child of a narcissistic mother you
can heal. The process can take a long time. It requires consistent work
and some adult children find healing through professional psychotherapy.
Other strategies involve gentle hatha yoga, meditation in the form that
works for you, finding emotional support from friends whom you trust.
You can prevail and heal your psychological and emotional wounds and
strengthen yourself. To learn about every facet of narcissistic
personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]