Category: Narcissistic Personality

Narcissistic mothers are ubiquitous and that is a mild comment about them. When we are little they either ignore us completely, devastate us with their cruel comments (worse than a slap in the face) undermine our imaginations by destroying all of our spoken words and making us prisoners of their ever-inflated egos. After we grow up they are still on our minds. When will they “pop’ in on us and start the interrogation about our most private lives. When will the criticisms and accusations begin. How will we defend ourselves against the barrage of abuse that they throw at us unrelentingly. They answer is never—-as long as we maintain contact with them. Narcissists never stop their efforts to bring us down unless we are their golden children that they turn into narcissists–these are false grandiose selves who go on to hurt every person in their lives.

Even after mother has died many still suffer as if she is a living presence. There are the memories of her countless cruelties; the opportunities that we had that she destroyed; the way she dashed our hopes and dreams when we were children; the way she betrayed us with our fathers (who loved us but were too weak emotionally and too afraid to buck her).

You can stop the haunting by your narcissistic mother—Only you can do this. It is not easy since mothers for good or ill have a profound impact on the development of our psyches. But remember, you are an individual although her DNA runs through your blood. You are not your mother and you are not a narcissist. That is what I tell so many people who contact me. They believe that they are narcissists. That is most likely untrue.

As long as you hold on to the “relationship” with mother you cannot be yourself–completely. That is one of the goals of our lives–to manifest our individuality with our unique gifts in this lifetime. We cannot wait for a magical shift to take place. Time is going by. You are not your mother. You are not responsible for what she did or didn’t do for or to you. When you were very little you were a prisoner of the NM. This wasn’t your fault; it was something that happened to you. You cannot change that. What you can do is understand this serious personality disorder and recognize that you re a separate human being of great value.
There are many ways of getting in touch with your real self. Learn how to go inside with brief meditations. Be as consistent as you can. Be nonjudgmental. If you miss a day or a week or a month,you can always get back to your practice. It is waiting for you. Some people use spontaneous writing as a way to use their imaginations and to be with themselves in a special way. Be sure to exercise–dance if you can or walk –Do what you can to take advantage of the endorphins that flow and are part of the calming parasympathetic nervous system of healing.

Don’t be judgmental–be self kind and patient. When you hear the negative self talk, take a breath and a break. Give yourself credit for the human being you have become. To learn about every facet from the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

We all project unconscious feelings, thoughts and impulses at various times. If we are self aware we are capable of acknowledging at least to ourselves that what we said to someone was more about what was coming out of our unconscious then about them. We made a flip or cruel remark that spontaneously ejected out of our mouth on to them When we can catch these projections, acknowledge them to ourselves and to those on whom they are aimed, then we have made great progress in become more aware, more awake.

The narcissist is in a constant state of projecting in various forms. He/she is grandiose, telling us in every way how wonderful he is. This is the positive side of the projection. Narcissists always have one way non conversations–monologues on their decorative stages. In many cases, if they are highly successful and magnetic they garner quite an audience.

In private in particular narcissists are continually spewing their nasty projections on those closest to them. They are unstoppable. They have completely tuned you out. You don’t exist and if you do you are only one of their possessions. Listening to one of these individuals day and night as a spouse is intolerable. Some wives and husbands blame themselves for these verbal assaults. What’s the matter with me? I must be kinder, more patient, more helpful and on and on. That is not what is happening. The narcissist uses primitive unconscious projections to rid himself of the toxic contents of his psyche which he cannot bear. Beneath the surface of the perfect facade, deep within, this person is empty, full of rage and self loathing. But he is not consciously in touch with this. You Are—-because you are with him or her behind closed doors. Others in his circle of business and personal acquaintances never see this Mr Hyde presentation. He must protect his image above all.

Remember that when you think you are going crazy while your narcissistic spouse is on one of his tirades and accusation runs—-it is what he or she is doing, not you. You are the unfortunate recipient of this verbal excrement. Protect yourself by learning about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Take good care of yourself. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Growing up in a narcissistic family is one of the toughest life pathways. When we are very young we don’t know exactly what is wrong. We feel insecure and unhappy and frightened much of the time. Some children in these families feel isolated surrounded by their narcissistic families. These are families in name only. Narcissists are incapable of genuine relationships. Children are used as narcissistic supplies that provide a powerful enchanted image for the narcissistic parents. If the children are attractive, bright, have talents, these can all be used as a source of powerful narcissistic supply for the parents. Many narcissistic parents no no effort to raise their children. They can’t be bothered. They are too busy with their careers, social lives, traveling, having parties and keeping their physical image at a high state of perfection. Looking great takes a lot of time, especially if we insist on being impeccable and that is what many narcissists focus on–how beautiful, flawless, elegant they appear. Narcissists do absolutely no work on their inner selves. They have no conscious access to their person. They are incapable of having an internal life. They will never know themselves. Rather they spend tremendous energy impressing people about how superior and wonderful they are.

Children who survive the narcissistic family are to be commended. They have achieved a harrowing journey and come through as real individuals. What a feat!. After you extricate yourself from this toxic family allow yourself time to heal. Some adult children participate in high quality psychotherapy which helps them to re-orient themselves and recognize what they have been through and who their family really is—highly narcissistic and toxic. They do the work of healing and begin to individuate from these pathological people who are parents and siblings in name only. Be patient with your healing. Many find that forms of meditations, gentle yoga, tai chi, your choice of exercise as well as creative pursuits and finding great friends is all part of the healing process that brings you into your own. Now you are free to define yourself, to recognize that you are a loving human beings capable of empathy and capable of emotional intimacy. You find friends and a support system who help to support you. You are evolving toward becoming your real self. Celebrate your great achievement. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation:United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists are always seeking what they want and must have. They zone in on people who will get them to the winner’s circle. Whether it is money, power, sexual attraction, stealing your creative ideas—the narcissist is always there to take from you. Narcissists are craven–They feed off of others. It is part of their nature to bring you into their psychological sphere with their charm, promises and allure, to use up all that you have to offer and then to disregard you. This is an all too familiar pattern. It is important to understand that no matter what they promise—whether it is material comfort, financial stability, making your dreams come true—they will in the end fail you and worse they can make your life a living hell day and night. This is as predictable as phases of the Moon. It ‘s only a matter of when the dark side of the narcissist will show the horrific side he has hidden from you. Often there are hints even in the beginning. You will notice the need to control you, to want everything to look perfect–including you. You will observe the demands that the narcissist makes on other people whom he intimidates.

If you stay with the narcissist you are in some way taking a detour from your own life. Some spouses manage to create a zone of detachment around themselves for protection. But is this an authentic, loving relationship?

Those who decide that they must lead their own lives, grow psychologically and emotionally on their own terms and expand their creative gifts in freedom, take the step toward divorce. This can be daunting since narcissists are very clever at hiding assets, blaming everything that went wrong with the marriage on you, and telling relatives and friends outlandish lies about you. Those who believe them are not your supportive relatives or your friends. Nevertheless, I have seen many partners make this decision and move through the process of freeing themselves. They have endured and prevailed. They are now directing their own lives and discovering that they are moving forward toward greater individuation and the use of their creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

No one can make us feel one way or the other. It is up to us to know who we are—positive and negative. This is how we evolve as individuals. When you are married to a narcissist, your life is taken over by a powerful, controlling negative personality. The spouse may be very upbeat, friendly and charming at times. He or she make plans. They tell you how much they love and care about you. These are the “good times” with the narcissist and usually occur in the beginning of the relationship. The narcissist’s mood can change in a flash. He or she can flip and become Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde at any moment. These quick changes are due to what is happening inside of the narcissist’s psyche. The narcissist doesn’t understand himself at all. He has massive defense mechanisms that he uses to unconsciously project his self hatred on to those closest to him–wives and children, and in some instances co-workers. Deep inside the narcissist is psychologically empty. He must constantly go out into the external environment to seek praise and adulation to feel more grandiose and superior.

Most often if you are married to a narcissist you are psychologically embattled most of the time. This person is continually telling you that you are defective, stupid, incompetent and their favorite word, crazy. Even when you know one hundred percent that you are not crazy, this kind of accusation can be very frightening. Actually the narcissist is telling us a lot about the chaos in his own mind.

If you were psychologically abused as a child or had narcissistic parents (which always means a form of abuse) you are likely to internalize these cruel comments and feel badly about yourself. Studying the narcissistic personality disorder is the beginning of your freedom and feeling differently about yourself. You will make the psychological separation from his/her psychopathology and yourself. You are not perfect–no one is–but you do not deserve to be the object of the narcissist’s primitive projections. They do not belong to you. They are all about the narcissist. You will begin to unravel this puzzle and release yourself from the pain you have endured so long. I know you can do it. You deserve to live in freedom, inner peace and to use all of your unique gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Today we are surrounded by narcissists–in the media, entertainment, among our neighbors, acquaintances, in medicine, in psychiatry and psychology, in “spirituality”, the culture of many corporations. In the years since Christopher Lasch wrote his brilliant prescient work The Culture of Narcissism (1978) we are experiencing his predictions. We have arrived—-in the Narcissistic Culture. Long ago Lasch knew what would happen to many “relationships” –“Personal relations founded on reflected glory, on the need to admire and be admired, prove fleeting and insubstantial.” The narcissist demands that you are a mirror of his or her perfection. Many people follow the narcissist’s lead because he is holding the power, the force of personality, the delusion that you can become as overly confident, self entitled, as deceptive and exploitive as this person. We discover today that so much of career climbing to the top is based on being ruthless and amoral. This is becoming more the rule than the exception. “Work hard and play by the rules”—Really??? That doesn’t fit with the narcissistic style. In so many corporate venues it is those who are very attractive physically if not drop dead gorgeous–male and female, combined with blind ambition and a willingness to let others falter and fall by the wayside, who reach the highest positions within a corporate structure. These individuals operate without conscience. If someone doesn’t fit into their singular plan of victory, the narcissist will do everything possible to kick this person out of the way, even if this causes horrible distress and financial instability to them—They say to themselves: “You are weak and worthless; get out of my way. I have no obstacles, boundaries or limits. Get between me and my goal and I will annihilate you.” There are still extraordinary corporations and the people in all levels who work for them who have outstanding characters and who still work very hard and maintain the highest level of conscience and concern for the welfare of others.

On a personal level narcissists within the family–spouses, ex-spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings–are making the lives of family members miserable, unbearable and bleak. I hear many life stories of those who were trapped in a narcissistic family and who had to survive by going along with the perfect mirroring , criticisms, intimidations and complete injustice of their situations. They have suffered greatly. I don’t think that most people understand, unless they have experienced the malicious face of a mother or father narcissist, know what this does to a child every single day. Know that these cruelties exist and that they are malevolent and in some cases, evil. That is not too strong of a word to describe the psychological damage sustained by many children raised by a narcissistic parent or a narcissistically abused spouse or sibling. These victims are telling the exact truth. Believe them.

Human nature is both sublime and very dark. Narcissists dwell within the prisons of their own psychopathology and that is a tragedy. But the damage that they do to others is incalculable. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand who this person is. Forget the external image–it is fleeting and meaningless. This is the world’s superficial appraisal. It is part of the delusion that has become even more prevalent than at any other time in recent western history. Facade has now become reality–That’s what we are being told constantly.

Pay attention to what is deep inside of you–your intuitions and insights that come quickly with the truth. When you call upon these gifts, you cannot be compromised or vanquished. You are riding with the truth throughout your life, gaining strength, psychological stamina, spiritual steadiness and laser focus. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic mothers have a lot in common but as individuals they have unique ways of psychologically poisoning their children. Some mothers choose a daughter (or son) who is beautiful, has natural charm, is very bright to groom to become a perfect image of themselves. Narcissistic mothers have severe boundary issues and do not respect and honor their child’s individuality. They impose on the daughter how she should feel, act and think. This is a form of brainwashing that starts very early. Some of these children become narcissistic if the mother gives them free rein without any limits.

Having a perfect child provides these mothers with a powerful living narcissistic supply. Children growing up in these circumstances are not allowed to be themselves. They are controlled and molded in mother’s image of what they should be rather than who they really are. If this child refuses to go along with mother, she is cast out and often becomes the family scapegoat. The narcissistic mother moves on to choose one of her other children as the favorite.

The scapegoated child has to deal with the psychological poison ejected by the mother: emotional coldness, devastating criticisms, personal psychological attacks, humiliations in front of the other children. She is made to feel different and unacceptable. Sometimes the narcissistic mother labels her as “crazy.”

In normal psychological development the baby, infant and young child is treated with warmth and love. Of course no mother is perfect and the child goes through various frustrations as a result. This is part of the growing process for the child to learn to deal with circumstances in which his needs are not met perfectly.

The narcissistic mother fulfills her own needs not her child’s. She owns her golden child like a possession that cannot be wrenched from her hands. She exploits the qualities of this child that make her look very important. She has huge bragging rights as her little darling excels at school work and athletics and is a social standout.
In some instances these children believe that they are this perfect being and that their peers are inferior. This is the beginning of the budding narcissist.

Whether you are the chosen child, the scapegoat or the one who is forgotten or invisible, the narcissistic mother has had her hand in having a profound negative effect on her children. In some cases the father is strong and loving enough to have a strong connection with his children. Often the narcissistic mother has chosen a man who is weak and incapable of bucking her and who fears her recriminations. He is in many ways one of her victimized children.

Despite this horrendous childhood there are many children victimized by narcissistic mothers who survive this treatment. They don’t know what is wrong but they understand intuitively that something is very wrong with mother and to stay out of her way. They find ways to keep a distance. Some of them find solace alone in their own company. They develop friendships and spend time at their homes. They find enjoyment in the world of books and the uses of their imaginations. Some of these children leave the narcissistic home very early and find their way to freedom They are determined to leave and be free from this noxious environment.

The effects of the narcissistic mother’s psychological poison can be prolonged. However, I have found that many of these victimized daughters, through their research discover that mother is a narcissist who is not going to change, that what happened to them was not their fault and that they are very sane—not crazy. Mother is the one with the severe psychopathology that is not going to change. The work of healing and evolving occurs throughout our lives. We also become free by helping others to see through the delusion of the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

 

Many individuals have been married for some time before they discover they have an impossible narcissistic in-law. Most of us take people the way that they present themselves. If your spouse has a sister who has an intolerable personality it can be very difficult to decide how to interact with these individuals. As a couple it is essential that you protect your marital relationship. I have heard many stories of narcissistic in-laws who made the lives of the other families very uncomfortable and awkward. If you are recently married it can be challenging to mention that you husband’s sister is constantly snipping at you, gossiping about you to her friends and family members and treating you coldly when not in public. Many family members will believe the in-law if she is charming and highly convincing. This in-law is often jealous of you. She doesn’t not want you to be a member of the family and lays the groundwork for gossiping about you, telling lies about your family background and using other forms of damaging your character. All of these claims on based on lies and vindictiveness. You and your spouse must join together to resolve this problem. The narcissistic in-law is not going to change. Ask you spouse to read the research you have studied on the narcissistic personality. Work as a team. In the beginning it may be difficult for the sibling of the narcissist to acknowledge that she is highly disturbed and causing psychological pain and deep strains and unhappiness in the family. Make sure your spouse is on your side. If the spouse is on your side and highly involved in helping you, your relationship is solid. There is no point to telling your narcissistic relative that he or she has a serious personality disorder. This will simply get the narcissist’s back up and can bring some sympathy to this person in the role of vicitm.

Minimize all contact with the narcissistic in-law. The less contact you have with this person’s toxic projections, the better Discuss strategies with your spouse. Make sure that this person understands the seriousness of this disorder. Do not be concerned if other family members do not understand. In many cases they will wonder why you are not spending more time with this in-law. keep your own counsel and follow what is best for you and your immediate family. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com .