Narcissistic Personality - The Narcissist In Your Life

Children of Narcissistic Mothers-Objects to be Used

There are large numbers of children who were “raised” by narcissistic mothers. I use the word raised with question because these individuals are incapable of true mothering. Psychoanalyst Alice Miller describes the psychodynamics between the narcissistic mother and her child: “The child…was the narcissistically cathected object. What these mothers had once failed to find in their own mothers they were able to find in their children: someone at their disposal who can be used as an echo, who can be controlled, is completely centered on them, will never desert them, and offers full attention and admiration.” So many adult children of narcissistic mothers continue to play this role of servant and adorer throughout their lives. Every energy, gift, thought, sense of initiative is quashed by the narcissistic mother. They grow up knowing only that they survive by being and remaining attached, fused and loyal only to mother.

Some of these individuals awaken at some point in their development and recognize that they have been imprisoned in a psychological and emotional gulag. The walls of their psychological cells are thick with emotional brainwashing; their minds are taken over only by thoughts of what the narcissistic mother demands of them. They feel anger and frustration but that disappears when they are enveloped by the darkness and delusion of their mother’s hold on them. This is a tragic life course.

Some adult children through their own self analysis, psychotherapy, personal support groups, the working of their insights—discover that they deserve to be released from this nightmare of captivity. They awaken, shake themselves and start moving slowly toward healing and transformation. They expand the use of their creative energies and gifts that have been locked in cold storage. They begin to fledge with practice like a young eagle from branch to branch. They falter at times. But this is all part of self strenghtening. At some point they are ready to fly from the tallest tree in their environment. Now they feel entitled and deserving to become and manifest themselves both inside and in the world. They launch with strong wings that ride the winds, unstoppable and free now to participate in the beauty and meaning of their own lives. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists are Never Wrong-They are Perfect

You can never win with a narcissist if you are a person who is truth oriented. Narcissists live in a world where their delusions of power and omnipotence are the truth. If you are married to a narcissist or have a parent who is a narcissist if its very stressful and disconcerting to “always be wrong.” When a powerful narcissist repeats the same lie over and over again and has a large audience of believers, his adoring circle will side with him/her against you. Truth is foreign to the narcissist. His personality is built on a grandiose false self, a person who was created to believe that he was superior, perfect and without flaw. He was never held accountable for his mistakes, lies or cruelties. His parents gave him no sense of limits or respect for other human beings. He learned as a child to exploit and manipulate other human beings to win at any cost. The damage to another person’s life was collateral and necessary to his goals. Narcissists early on believe that they are always right, will never admit horrendous mistakes and when confronted, will deflect, delay and tell more lies. They believe they are invincible and perfect. Everyone else is a prospective pawn on his chess table.

You cannot have a real relationship with a narcissist whether this is a spouse, parent or sibling. They will continue to use you, demean you, lie to you and deceive you. Learn to protect yourself from narcissistic family members by studying this personality disorder in depth. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Mothers-Where are the Grown-Ups

Some narcissistic mothers want to remain forever young even when they have daughters who are in their forties and fifties. I’m not talking about working to stay healthy, agile and strong. I speaking about physical appearance only. Narcissistic mothers are often jealous of how their teenage and young adult daughters are attracting a lot of men. With the aid of plastic surgery and many other youth enhancing procedures, it is possible for mature women to look as much as twenty years younger than their chronological age. Often I see mothers and daughters out together and it is very difficult to tell who is the grown-up. Narcissistic mothers often dress inappropriately young for their age and role. They wear provocative clothing that is inappropriate in order to draw attention to themselves and away from their daughters. There are occasions when narcissistic mothers seduce their daughter’s boyfriends–a horrible betrayal of trust. This is to prove that she is sought after sexually and that her daughter cannot win, not even a boyfriend whom she had trusted. The narcissistic mother often treats her daughter as an acquaintance of the same age. There are extremes in which the daughter plays the part of mother to her own mother. This is profoundly sad and highly pathological.

Daughters subjected to this kind of abusive treatment throughout their lives find it impossible to continue these sick relationships. They often leave the family, become independent of the narcissistic mother and find their own way . They have recognized that the narcissist cannot mother–love, protect, cherish, be proud of, her own child. This is a very sad realization that needs to be acknowledged and mourned. In the process of healing these daughters recognize their value as individuals and are grateful to be intact after growing up with such serious psychopathology.

These daughters are moving forward to embrace their lives as mature, empathic, productive and loving individuals who deserve all of the credit for doing the hard work of becoming the person they were meant to be. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Healing from A Narcissistic Sibling

You may have spent your childhood trying to get the respect and affection of one of your siblings. With an older brother or sister, the younger child often looks up to this individual as a model. The small child wants to be just like their older sibling. Some parents encourage this kind of veneration, especially if the parent(s) are grooming the older child as a golden boy (or girl) narcissist. This child is looked upon as superior. This is often the case if the selected individual is very bright and the parents idolize academic achievement. In these homes getting the highest grades and honors is considered absolutely essential in these families. There is an obsessiveness about academic achievement and professional success that begins when children are very young. Even in the womb some mothers are already planning where their child will attend college and what are the best professions for him/her to pursue. Physical attractiveness is another inherent trait that is revered by narcissistic parents and along with this the child who is magnetic, outgoing and confident. As these golden siblings grow up they are treated differently from the other siblings. They are treated with great deference. Parents believe that they are so special that they don’t have to follow the rules required by their other siblings. They can treat brothers and sisters with great cruelty and get away with it. There is a no limits attitude–do what you want, dear, attitude that pervades in these households.

Sharing your life with a narcissistic brother or sister or two siblings can be hellish. The non-narcissistic siblings feels very isolated. This child is often very sensitive and intuitive. He or she is not understood by the narcissistic parents. No one is interested about their thoughts, feelings, creative ideas. If they are fortunate they form positive relationships with good teachers and classmates with whom they can share their insights.

At home the non-narcissistic sibling is victimized—always being put down, laughed at, , in some cases, threatened with physical abuse. In some cases the narcissistic sibling routinely subjects his younger brother or sister to physical blows and then swears this terrified child to secrecy or there will be horrible revenge.
The narcissistic sibling often turns the other siblings on the scapegoated child and everyone, even the parents, chime in to demean, humiliate and even laugh at him/her. These chronic patterns of abuse are very traumatic. The child has no one to turn to, to speak with , to comfort him. These victims often grow up to be anxious adults who feel unentitled and insignificant.

You would think that the adult narcissistic sibling would grow up and start treating his brothers and sisters with affection and respect. This is not the case. They keep getting their digs in, reminding you that you are inferior and less than.

You don’t deserve to be treated with humiliation and cruelty by anyone, especially your siblings. If you have been chronically abused in one of these family constellations, you can free yourself of this dysfunctional psychological system.

Acknowledging and appreciating that you are a unique human being is the beginning of your healing. Your life has intrinsic value. You can take the reins of your destiny and choose new directions at any age. You don’t have remain stuck in a pathological family pattern. Learn to relax your mind and body. This boosts your physical, emotional and psychological health. Some people do a meditation practice consistently. This provides tremendous capacities for thinking mindfully and developing deep insights. Consistent meditation allows us to detach psychologically from what we have suffered as children and to put our live in perspective.
Surround yourself with a small support group of people who care about you and are empathic. Stretch your creative muscles; use your imagination, listen to your intuition. Learn to appreciate you spontaneity and be sure to appreciate your delightful sense of humor. to learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers-Missing A Heart

The narcissistic mother is a special breed. Each narcissistic mother is unique as an individual but their characterlogical traits are commonly identifiable. Outstanding traits include emotional coldness and distance, a complete lack of empathy, extreme sense of entitlement, faulty psychological boundaries which mean a disrespect for the individuality of their children, highly controlling and manipulative. Some narcissistic mothers remind me of military field commanders—shouting out orders, making constant demands, humiliating those who don’t jump to the sound of their voice.

The infant and small child thrives in an environment of affection, warmth, tolerance and acceptance. The essential beginnings are what is called a holding environment in which the baby is physically and psychological held. Mother is attuned to his needs on every level. She is preoccupied with her infant. Psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott,coined the term “maternal preoccupation” to describe the necessary attention and ministration that a “good enough” mother (or mother surrogate) must pay to the infant in order for this person to thrive physically, emotionally, neurologically and psychologically.

With a narcissistic mother there is neither maternal preoccupation nor an adequate holding environment. The narcissistic mother is incapable of these roles. She may go through the motions but her attention is elsewhere (on herself and her needs and desires). She is bored, restless, distracted, annoyed, emotionally distant, aggravated with a helpless creature that is constantly making demands on her attention. In some cases there is a nanny, aunt, or other family member who sufficiently fulfills this role for the baby. I have heard from children of narcissistic mothers who have told me that their real mother was a nanny or babysitter. In some cases an older brother or sister with a compassionate heart will play the mother role sufficiently to fulfill the infant’s needs. In other instances the father steps into the void to “mother” his baby.

Children of narcissistic mothers grieve for the mother they never had. The mother wound is cuts deep and painfully. Some adult children numb out their feelings of loss and deprivation. There is a place inside of them that cannot feel, that is anesthetized because the original mother wound was so devastating.

Some adult children of narcissistic mothers seek to know the truth of their pain and follow it to the source. They grieve their loss of the mother they could have had and mourn the mother they got. Some of these children work through these maternal deprivations through psychotherapy, the development of a meditation practice, use of their creativity and other healing modalities.

There are adult children who continue to struggle with the fact that they cannot believe that they had a mother who was missing a psychological heart. Others learn to mother themselves and to appreciate their true natures and gifts. There are adult children who help to heal the psychological wounds of others—to give them back their lives.

We were born from the parents we got but we are molded and refined out of the crucible we made with our minds, hearts, guts, and souls to work through the past to become open, receptive and fully present every moment.Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Men-Psychologically Seduced by Their Narcissistic Mothers

Narcissistic men are always on the prowl, the search for the perfect woman. She must be beautiful, even ultra-gorgeous, adoring of him, compliant and willing to be manipulated and follow his orders. There are many women in this category who have made this decision to put their lives and destinies in absolute alignment with a narcissistic partner. The psychological truth about the nature of narcissistic men and their attitude toward women is the reverse from the image that is perpetuated.

When the narcissistic mother chooses a son as the perfect child, the answer to all of her dreams, this is fateful for her child’s life and for every woman with whom this budding narcissist will have a partnership or marriage. There is a deep psychopathology between narcissistic mothers and their chosen sons. Although there is no literal seduction in most cases of the son, the narcissistic mother is erotically and psychologically fused with him. In these family constellations, the husband has been neutered by the narcissistic wife. These women keep their spouses around for image purposes and the lifestyle and secure financial arrangements.

The narcissistic mother does not make a distinction that he is separate from her. She possesses him like an indispensable object. Architect Frank Lloyd Wright’s mother referred to her son as her Prince. This is the classic role of the chosen narcissistic son. The enmeshed son is flattered by this form of adoration and feels an enhanced ego as a result of his mother’s extraordinary attentions. Beneath the surface in the unconscious the narcissistic son despises his mother for harnessing him to her. Another byproduct of this use of the son as an object of adoration and psychological imprisonment is the narcissist’s hatred of women in general which originates from their fear of women. Much of this comes from the primal narcissistic mother’s pulling the puppet strings of her son’s life. He has become her creation.

Inside these narcissistic sons are empty, feel restless, enraged and worthless. They have never been allowed to develop as authentic human beings. The psychological seduction by the narcissistic mother foments a hatred of her that lies deep in the unconscious of the narcissistic son.The narcissistic mother never allows her son to become a real man. She severely damages his manhood with her erotic promise of complete psychological fusion. This is devastating to the narcissist. The emasculated narcissistic son spends his life taking advantage of women–wooing them, seducing them, discarding them–one right after the other. He cheats on women, treats them with disrespect, uses them as objects and eclipses their lives. The narcissistic mother’s damage to her son lives long after her in the ravaging effects the narcissist has on every woman that he brings into his life. Learn to identify and deal with narcissistic men and narcissistic women. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Rage Harms Spouses and Children

“The force of narcissistic rage is cataclysmic, designed to leave no survivors. The timing of its eruptions is unpredictable. There is no chance to escape and run for cover. The victim feels invaded even assaulted. The aftermath causes emotional pain and devastation.” (From Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.)

Scapegoated Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and Narcissistic Daughters

We would expect that a child would feel safe in her home. This is not the case with a child who has been put in the victim role by her narcissistic mother. Narcissistic mothers are completely absorbed with themselves. Many of them have children to enhance their image of having a perfect family. The work of raising, nurturing and protecting one’s child is expected and essential. The narcissistic mother often turns her daughter(s) over to babysitters or nannies when the child is very young, even an infant. She makes sure that friends and acquaintances believe that she is a devoted mother. She talks about her daughter, pretending that she is emotionally invested in her child. This is not the case. If one of her daughters has been chosen by mother as the special one, her treatment of this child is completely different. This daughter is privileged from infancy.Mother is fixated on this child who holds the promise of being a perfect replica of herself. Narcissistic mothers choose this special little girl for various reasons; physical beauty, mental brilliance, charm and magnetism that win people over.

Narcissistic mothers often rule the family. Father is present in name only. He is a fixture in his own house. Some of these fathers are workaholics and prefer to be away from home than to deal with the cold harsh temperament of this woman.

The narcissistic mother deals with her unconscious fury by projecting it on to a daughter whom she has picked as a scapegoat. It is not unusual for the victim to be a highly sensitive little girl. She has no defense against the ridicule, demeaning verbal assaults of these highly disturbed mothers. This situation can become more traumatic if the narcissistic mother and her narcissistic daughter join forces in the taunting and humiliation of this child. I have heard from adult daughters scapegoated in this manner. Their stories are heartrending. Many of them survive by entering the world of books, art, uses of the imagination. Some are fortunate to have a special friend whom they can visit often enough to take the psychological pressure off of them for short times.

Adult daughters who survive the narcissistic mother wars are incredible psychological warriors. Many of them experience symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome and spend years in the aftermath of these traumas and their efforts to heal. Individuals who have been through such a prolonged ordeal need our understanding and compassion. Many of them find their way to healing through support groups, participate in psychotherapy, work with healing modalities–gentle yoga, walking and sitting meditation, The deeper our understanding of the true nature of narcissistic mothers the better we are prepared to help ourselves in the process of healing from these highly pathological family constellations. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Ultimate Narcissistic Delusion—Believing They are Good People

“Although he may be a malevolent human being, the narcissist believes that he is a “good person.” (From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) Au contraire! Those who have been married to narcissists or had a narcissistic parent tell a very different story. They have spent much of their lives at the mercy of the narcissist’s deceptions, intimidations, exploitations and complete lack of empathy. Within the inner walls of the family the ugly truth is laid bare. Narcissists put members of their family at their mercy. They terrify their children with threats, horrific rages and innumerable broken promises. Children of narcissists are used as props for photo opportunities and public display at social and business events. Their role is to be decorative and to increase the narcissist’s opportunities to boost his ego. Narcissists luxuriate in their bragging rights about their golden children. It isn’t enough for them to be talking about how wonderful they are every moment. They extend this activity to the child/children they have chosen to make them look even more superior.

Despite all of their transgressions as human beings—a complete lack of loyalty to spouses, the perpetual personal betrayals, the lives they have destroyed with their lies, the people they have psychologically maimed and stepped on to get to the top, they believe and convince many others that they are Good Human Beings.
They play this part so expertly that many in their personal and professional circles believe them. And to make it even worse, they blame those who have been victimized by the narcissists, including his own children. Current and ex-wives who are maligned by the narcissist are put on the “she’s a nutcase list”. If children don’t tow the line they become personas non grata and are ejected from the family tableau.

To protect yourself from narcissists and take the upper hand with them, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Is the Narcissist Exploiting You Again…

“The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others-their time, talent, creative ideas, energies-to serve his purpose alone…All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive….Whether personal or professional, agreements, contracts, or covenants with narcissists are made to be broken.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).

Narcissists don’t waste their time with you unless you will bring them success, status and/or money. If you are not, they cannot be bothered with you and cross you off of their list. The narcissist is always scanning his environment, looking for those who will produce for him. By seduction or guile he will win over and claim as his own those who will feed his boundless ego. Every relationship for the narcissist is a stepping-stone to success. Narcissists are always looking toward the future to plot, plan and achieve their next goal.

Narcissists think of others as inanimate objects, like pieces on a chessboard that they can masterfully manipulate.

To protect yourself from narcissists and be free of their intrusions on your life, learn to identify them quickly. Pay close attention to your intuition–that wisest of voices that always tells you who someone really is. Study the narcissistic personality disorder in depth. Build a strong grounded center within yourself. Treat yourself with respect and build a strong sense of self entitlement. Practice healing modalities that work for you: gentle hat yoga, q gong, meditation. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com