Category: narcississtic personality

Narcissists appear to be inhuman—They are inhumane! If you think you can change one of these individuals, forget it. Most of them are molded from early childhood as grandiose false selves that wear a mask that appears to be real. The outer image is irresistible–Beauty, handsomeness, magnetism, sexuality, pseudo empathy, extreme confidence, brightness and brilliance. These are some of the qualities of the high flying narcissists who make it big in our world today.The number of narcissists we are producing is increasing faster than we can keep count. Our current society rewards them for their worldly success despite the number of people they have emotionally injured; those they have left financially immobilized; people who have become physically ill from the stress of living with them decade after decade.

When you are at your lowest emotional ebb the narcissistic spouse, mother or sibling will verbally pounce, assaulting you without mercy. They are determined to destroy you. They cry out that they are the injured party; you are making their life intolerable when it is quite the opposite.

These cruelties become particularly magnified during a divorce from a narcissist. They are never fair. If you agree to give them a fair split of the properties and investments they demand more. They hire attorneys to intimidate you into complete capitulation. They wear you down night and day—they have great stamina for fighting dirty. Remember, you have a conscience and care deeply about other human beings. They don’t. It’s as if the capacity for compassion was never in their genes. There is no narcissistic gene. These merciless individuals are created in the familial crucibles of childhood.

Learn to identify narcissists early so that you don’t become enmeshed with them. If you must interact with a narcissist, you have a heads up on their true natures. Your knowledge of them strengthens your position. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in book form and as an e-Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Shame is an uncomfortable emotion most of us experience. When we are shamed, we feel like we want to disappear, to become invisible. Shame is an intolerable feeling. We are humiliated and feel very small, even non-existent. Children who have been shamed by their parent (s) often carry these feelings into adulthood. Deeply ingrained shame can lead to a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness and not having a solid resilient sense of self.

The narcissistic personality is the opposite. He or she can commit the cruelest acts and say the meanest words to another with the intention of hurting them and feel absolutely no shame or guilt as a result. A narcissist can watch the withering blows that his raging has on his victim and not even blink. He views this person as weak and insignificant, someone who is worthless. Narcissists have no sense of limits. They lead their lives without the borders of decency, compassion or conscience. Their speed on life’s highway is always full throttle even when their malicious and careless behaviors psychological, financially and emotionally harm the lives of others, even their own families. Narcissists go to any lengths to get what they want. If a sibling is in the way of their collecting on a parent’s will, they will make sure that they become very cozy with their elderly relative, spread convincing lies about the brother or sister and successfully pressure the aging parent to let them take charge of all of their financial matters. This happens all the time.

Male and female narcissists are particularly shameful when it comes to personal, intimate relationships, including marriage. To most narcissists, marriage is not a true union—it is a one sided business deal. Narcissists write their own marriage vows–“I will do what works for me. When you (my spouse) no longer fulfill my needs or desires or my narcissistic supplies, I will discard you without notice.” This is the unstated but true marriage deal that one makes with a narcissist. Even if a marriage lasts for several decades you can be sure that the narcissistic partner is doing a lot of “sexual free-lancing” on the side. Narcissists are highly skilled at juggling women. If the narcissistic partner is exposed, he tells an easy lie and moves on.

Narcissists are not good parents. They are too self absorbed, greedy and self entitled to give their attention and care to a small child. They will make sure that the family photos are seen by all of those who count. This is part of their elaborate image that must be perpetuated. They are not hands on parents. Children of narcissistic parents often speak of how they were abandoned, forgotten or never remembered. Mother or father was too busy working and having a good time to be with kids. Some narcissistic parents buy their kids off, offering them gifts rather than affection, attention or empathy. The narcissistic parent believes that he is a good human being and has done everything possible for his children. Narcissistic mothers and fathers will choose one child who is a standout–pretty, handsome, very bright, talented–to be the perfect reflection of themselves. They mold this child in their likeness and believe that he or she can do no wrong and is superior to the other children. Unfortunately, some of these children become narcissists who grow up to be shameful and shameless, cruel and duplicitous like their parent (s).

Become knowledgeable about the narcissistic personality. Appreciate who you are as an individual, draw clear psychological boundaries and use your special gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as books and e-Books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I hear too many life stories that begin continue and end with great psychological pain and regret that involve having children with a narcissistic spouse. Very often the non-narcissistic spouse has no idea that he or she has fallen in love with a narcissistic personality. After all, these individuals are so full of charm, confidence and they appear to be so enamored of us. How can we resist them! Many people can’t and don’t know whom they are marrying. When the time comes to have children, there are no questions or doubts. The non-narcissistic spouse has had some inklings that she is married to a person who is very self absorbed, selfish, emotionally cool, is subject to forms of rage and ranting and is incapable of taking another person’s feelings and concerns to heart.

The time of reckoning often comes with the arrival of children. The narcissistic spouse is not invested in the daily and lifelong commitments to being emotionally available, loving, caring, affectionate with his/her child. Some narcissists are workaholics (that’s what they say when they are not at home) and have a hand’s off attitude toward their children. They go through the motions. There is a short morning greeting and maybe a goodnight hug. Very often the narcissistic parent sees very little of his children during the week. On weekends he is out with his buddies playing golf, riding his motorcycle, going to a favorite watering hole with friends. When the child wants to see daddy or mommy these narcissistic parents are buried in their work they brought home. They shut the home office door and are completely uncommunicative. Many children of narcissistic parents report that they rarely saw their mother and/or father. They were on their own most of the time. Lonely days after school if both people are working and one or even two narcissistic parents make for painful psychological feelings of rejection, worthlessness, sadness, deep anger, psychological numbing.

If you strongly suspect that the person you are planning to marry —DON’T. If you believe that your spouse is a narcissist and have done the research—don’t have children with this person. Narcissists make our lives much more difficult if not impossible. And what they do to children is emotionally dreadful. Some of their children become narcissists themselves and move on to hurt others and the cycle is unending.

If you are married to a narcissist and have children, do your best. Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know whom you had married. You will love and protect them every way you can. If you decide to sever the relationship, know that you have the strength and knowledge to do this. Trust your intuition, your support group of friends and your personal psychological solidity to get through this process. Move forward with your life with a steady, solid step, knowing that you have done your best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Many narcissists begin their act by letting you know that they are in control of everything, including you. I have had narcissists upon introduction give me an overpowering handshake. It smarted. This doesn’t mean that a strong handshake is negative; it can mean confidence and self assertion. I am speaking about narcissists who come on strong from the beginning. They look directly in your eyes, riveting their gaze to yours simultaneously with the intimidating shake. I have watched these narcissists go on to overpower people by the force of their personalities. So many individuals are impressed with people who are strong, self entitled and highly successful.

You may feel inferior in their presence. This reaction is tailor made for them to overwhelm you with fear, awe and/or dread. If the narcissist is in a position of authority like an attorney, psychiatrist, judge, CEO, etc. we are inclined to relinquish our power to them. This is a serious mistake. No one has the right to control or intimidate you, especially spouses, ex-spouses, siblings and professionals that you hire. Learn to watch these clever actors closely. Your keen observations and intuition will tell you that they are out of line. You get a sense that you are being forced by the willfulness of this individual to do what they want. When you try to reason with them, they will not listen and raise the volume on their “certainty.” If this escalates they are clever at scaring people. They paint catastrophes that will befall you if you do not listen and exactly what they say.

When you hire someone as an expert–a lawyer, doctor, therapist, etc. —they are working for you. Your knowledge and research is valuable. If they disparage your questions, treat you with disrespect by not listening or blowing off your observations, you know that you are dealing with someone who functions to control others to gain mastery over them (and often their money if there are fees involved.) These narcissists are always looking for victims. They sense weaknesses and unsureness–that’s the master predator at work. Beat him/her at his ugly game through knowledge, your intuition, strong self assertion and self respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There is a common theme that runs through marriages with narcissists. This is the strong outer image that the narcissist has created that convinces everyone around him that he/she is a delightful, charming, caring human being–someone who goes out of his way for others and is highly successful at the same time. Everyone on the outside looks up to these narcissistic wonders asking themselves–Why can’t I have this polish, charm and self confidence. What’s the matter with me? There is nothing the matter with you. You are only viewing one side of the narcissist—the fully burnished public image. The narcissist builds and protects this image with his life. It is everything to him. The narcissist conceals a duality beneath the ingratiating compelling smile—the Shadow. In his/her private life the narcissist is unveiled–fully revealed. Narcissists are deceptive, craven, venal, exploitive, explosive, manipulative and completely lack empathy. If their wives and children could speak they would tell you stories that are hair raising. The narcissist is a dictator in his home. Everyone must obey him or else. His constant criticisms are legion. His lies are endless; his manipulations are astounding. He/she absolutely cannot put himself into someone else’s place and know what they are experiencing on a feeling level. Narcissists are psychologically violent to their spouses in particular. At times they are physically violent as well. Most of them get away with this savage treatment because the non-narcissistic spouse is too afraid and doesn’t feel that she has a voice of her own. Some of those who marry narcissists were treated cruelly in their childhoods and have continued this expectation in their marriages.

It doesn’t matter what the narcissist has attained professionally. He/she can be highly educated, very successful or non-educated and unsuccessful, rich or poor or in between—he is still a narcissist and has a fixed personality disorder that does not change. More people need to speak up about the total series of hells that narcissists put their families through. It is an ugly moving picture.

When you meet and get to know someone who is a narcissist and are remarking to yourself how extraordinary they are, remembers that they are two-faced–under the sway of a dark duality that controls all of their thoughts and actions.

Those who free themselves from narcissistic spouses recognize that they can take a full breath of clear air. They think and feel and create in freedom, resurrect their joy and celebrate their lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Have you talked with a narcissist lately and heard the blather that comes out of their mouths? They are obsessed with the externals of life–how much money they have made and are making–their perfect homes which they continue to re-do constantly-their perfect children who are brilliant and are headed for M.D’s.–medical specialties only, big pharma, high level positions in hi-tech, Wall Street firms, hedge fund management, etc. (There are individuals of excellent character who go into professions that pay them very well. They provide services to others as a result of their schooling and training.)

Narcissistic parents reinforce materialism, competitiveness at any cost, the cult of image over substance, a lack of morality that says:”I’ve got mine; the hell with you.” and looks down on those who have not succeeded in the world. If your life has taken hard turns and landed you in a number of ditches–financial, medical, psychological—forget asking for help from a narcissist, especially a member of your own family. They will cut you to the quick—telling you that it is your fault that you got yourself into this mess. They play the superiority card. Nothing in their lives has gone wrong financially—They have not experienced those horrendous dips or engulfing pot holes that swallow you up–the medical bills that pile up, the bad credit scores that come afterward, the illness that threatens your lives. They are above it all.

You have worked hard all of your life. You have been dealt a very tough hand to play. You are an ethical and moral person who will not cheat or take from others. Today people are not measured by the content of their characters– their empathy, the suffering they have endured, their kindness to other people. This current Narcissistic Society evaluates you by what you own and how much money you have—-that is the sum total of your worth as an individual from a narcissistic point of view. This would all be pathetic if it wasn’t so harmful to those who are suffering so intensely.

There is something called luck or fate. It cab determine much of what is going to happen to us. Luck is real. Lucrative business connections are real. Being ruthless is real. Narcissists are completely ruthless and treacherous–especially with business associates whom they vanquish and with members of their own family. Narcissists focus on money, power, and their personal image every waking moment. (They are restless and don’t think deeply or are capable of seeing themselves from the inside) If there is money involved and you have a narcissistic mother, father or sibling (or all of the above) –watch out! The money threat will be held over your head for the rest of your life if you don’t make the decision that it doesn’t matter and you recognize that your destiny is not about money alone. Obviously, we all have to find a way to live each day. By the way it is a very rare person who understands the pain involved in not having enough money for rent, food and clothing. I have discovered that there are very few people with huge financial resources who have the capacity to understand what it feels like every day worrying about where your next dollar is coming from. It is equally rare for those who have not experienced tragedy in their lives to deeply understand it and have compassion and mercy for those who have endured it.

For many it becomes impossible with acquaintances, friends and family members (including spouses) to listen to the criticisms, humiliations, impertinent questions of those who simply refuse to understand and turn a cruel, blind eye to the one who is suffering the most. These are not relationships; they are opportunities for the narcissist to feel superior and victorious. The narcissist is in massive denial about himself and his entire life. These misperceptions will never change. The die has been cast; the hard shell of the narcissistic personality cannot be cracked to let the light of compassion in. They are fixed and immutable.

Narcissists do not belong in your world. They rattle and disturb everyone around them. If you work with a narcissist, you will find ways to cope with them through detachment from their sickness and maintaining your secure psychological boundaries.

It is your personal decision to keep them out of your personal life. Your life is precious. It is headed in the direction of pursuing truth not narcissistic delusion. Your life is creative—use all of your gifts. You are a loving person–share your heart. I know many individuals who have simplified their lives and have found comfort, creative productivity and calm in making this decision. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the most harrowing and painful life experiences. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go ahead with this process. You have to in order to preserve your life and that of your children. I am in communication with individuals who are going through this ordeal. They are ready for the battle. In some cases, the narcissist want to make you disappear so he/she pays you off–you are a discard, not even a faint memory in a life you have shared with this person for more than a decade. Count yourself fortunate if this break is made cleanly. The biggest reward is that this person is out of your life. Quite often the opposite happens. The narcissistic moves into Crusade mode and will fight you on every battlement. He is determined to wear you down to nothing, to destroy your spirit and sense of hope, besides taking all of the financial resources–especially those to which you are entitled. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of choosing the sharpest, savviest attorney you can find–some one with high ethical standards and a mastery of family law but in addition, a person who has a clear understanding of how the narcissistic personality operates—the darkness in their character, their sense of vanquishing their victims (and that includes you) completely. Narcissists with the bit in their mouths over a divorce will not quit. They lie, cheat, fabricate, terrorize, cajole, threaten, use emotional blackmail–do everything possible to make sure that you lose and are thrown to the wolves. That is their intention–This doesn’t mean that they will succeed.
Most people are naive about human nature. They cannot believe that narcissists intend to destroy others–not with physical violence (although some of them are known to beat their spouses and not get caught) but with the master plan they put into place to bring you down. The attorney you choose must have an insider’s understanding of the true nature of the narcissist–his treachery, non stop attacks, his conniving, his damnable lies and fabrications that are designed to destroy the other spouse’s reputation–personal and in some cases, professional.

Despite the time you have spent going through the ordeal of living with a narcissist, you will find that after severing the relationship, you have talents, creative gifts, dreams and the drive to continue to evolve as an individual. Start thinking of your personal needs, your professional and creative aspirations, what you enjoy for recreation, the kind of people with whom you will surround yourself, becoming stronger and healthier physically, learning how to calm your nervous system through gentle yoga, meditation (in a form that works for you) creating a circle of support among those who are deeply about you and are loyal and empathic. Your life is opening up for the first time in years. Take time to appreciate being with yourself. Write down your thoughts and feelings, spontaneously. You will discover facets of yourself that you didn’t realize were there. The growth process moves forward throughout our lives. Take hold of it and remain open to all of its opportunities in your life. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Living without a conscience or empathy is so much easier, faster and more lucrative than having the encumbrances of a fine character. Narcissists go at full speed. It doesn’t matter how many people they hurt along the way—This includes their (often many) spouses and children.Narcissists don’t stare at the ceiling late at night thinking about their mistakes. They don’t regret that they have ruined their children psychologically, left ex-spouses in financial and emotional ruin. Narcissists are not like Lot’s wife who looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. They move forward at the highest speeds, going through every red light without getting caught.

Is there any justice—Can anyone see how dreadful and malicious these people are, the intractable harm that they perpetrate on others–spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, parents, partners, business associates. Most people are too dazzled by the image that the narcissist presents–the perfect act that they have been honing their entire lives that seamlessly works for them. At this time when being a narcissist pays huge dividends in the external world, it is not surprising that many are entranced and become followers of narcissists (especially those at the top of their game). They yearn to become part of the Inner Circle. They are willing slaves to the narcissist’s allure.

Let the adorers of narcissists go in their own direction. Let go of the narcissists in your life who have “succeeded” by stealth, cruelty, threats and dirty dealing. You have a conscience and deep empathy—You are a solid, real human being. You continue to grow psychologically and creatively. The road ahead is wide open–Take the reins; enjoy every moment of the ride. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There are many women who juggle their time, sleep, energy and personal lives every day to take care of their children. They love them very much and work so hard. Many of these women do it all alone and do it well. They don’t have a private life; they don’t have fun very often. Their focus is providing a home, food, clothing and schooling for their children. Many of these women have been abandoned by husbands or partners who are totally irresponsible and don’t care about their children. They are off to the next big excitement–another woman they will victimize. .

There are gifted highly ambitious women with tremendous drive and motivation to reach the top to the pinnacle of their careers. This is commendable. Women have worked very hard throughout the centuries to get their just share of professional success and compensation.

I am specifically speaking about the route the narcissistic mother takes. Having a child or two is part of enhancing her image and being able to tell herself and every one else: “I do it all.” I have a very successful career, I am climbing to the top; I have two wonderful kids.” She waxes dramatically, showing the photographs of her darling children to everyone. If you ask some of these narcissistic women what happens when they come home at ten o’clock in the evening, their children are already asleep. She goes into their rooms, kisses them quietly and shuts their doors to work some more. In the morning these narcissistic mothers are rushing their children out the door to daycare. Everything is hurried—a quick kiss, a fast drive to the babysitter and this woman is off to her life goal—reaching the highest rung in her professional life.

Why do these narcissistic women have children. A child is one of the greatest narcissistic supplies of all when you are molding a perfect image and facade. On the outside, everyone thinks these women are heroines. Behind closed doors, the children suffer from intolerable maternal deprivation and know that they are not loved and were never wanted. They are pawns, chess pieces to be manipulated. To take an innocent, helpless baby and to abandon him/her to daycare or a babysitter when this child is weeks old is a travesty. Narcissistic women are mothers in name only. There are narcissistic mothers who do not have specific careers and still do not raise their children. In an unguarded moment these women will tell you that they were bored sick, staying home with an infant. They needed to get back into the excitement and dynamism of their careers. It didn’t matter if their children were very young. Some narcissistic mothers are careless about checking out quality child care as long as they can get back to their priority—-themselves. Narcissistic mothers are selfish, highly controlling and cold. Their self absorption knows no end. On weekends when they could be with their children, they have too much work demanding their attention and hire extra babysitters so that they can shop and enjoy themselves without the encumbrance of small children.

No one wants to talk about the damage that narcissistic mothers do to their children. Some of them bitch about the small amounts of time they interact with their kids and find it very irritating. What is the husband doing. Quite often he is narcissistic as well and obsessed with his career. People can do whatever they wish in becoming powerful in the world, experts in their fields, fighting all of the corporate battles to the top.But something profound happens when you have a child. This current society has given narcissistic mothers a complete pass. It has become perfectly acceptable to have children and not raise them or form a close attachment to babies who didn’t ask to be brought into the world.

I hope that with the exposure of the true nature of the narcissist that many individuals will finally recognize the incalculable harm perpetrated by narcissistic mothers. I ask the question that remains hanging in the air: Why are you having children if you are not going to take care of them ? I don’t hear any answers. I don’t hear: “I made a mistake.” I should not have had children.” or I know they missed a lot in my absence. They’ve been cheated. I am very sorry.”

Narcissistic mothers are not the least bit concerned about the psychological damage they are doing every day. Twenty years from now, they will want this child fixed!!! A child is not a machine with parts that can be replaced. Some psychological damage is so profound that adult children of narcissistic mothers suffer for much of their lives. I hear from them and they have paid a dear price for their narcissistic mother’s ruthless abandonment of her child and the idea that she would choose to have children for the single purpose of building and enhancing her priceless golden image. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com