Category: narcississtic personality

Narcissists have neither limits of decency nor respect for other human beings, including family members. One narcissist allowed to bully himself freely over decades can psychologically decimate many members of one family. One of the worst constellations is the mother/father narcissistic duo. Children of these unions have it very tough. Even as small children life is not centered on them. It is all about their selfish, self absorbed, cold and often enraged parents. Children from these families learn survival skills the hard way. It is very painful when they come to the realization that their parents were incapable of genuinely loving them. Those who are more fortunate often turn to an older brother or sister who substitutes as a surrogate parent.These children feel loved and protected by the older sibling and grow knowing there is at least one person they can trust and count on.

In some cases the narcissist is a golden child boy or girl, selected by mother and/or father as superior to all the other family members. He is treated like a member of royalty. All talk and adulation by the parents is about him or her. If this child has talents, is bright or gifted in other ways, he is the center of attention and given everything he wants. Narcissistic parents allow these blooming narcissists to treat their siblings cruelly. They ignore the extreme bullying that chronically occurs and can cause severe psychological damage to the brothers and sisters who are frequent victims of this abuse. The narcissistic parents are oblivious of these dreadful patterns of cruelty. In some cases they join in and belittle the children who are imperfect, taunting them, punishing them unjustly and making their lives absolutely miserable.

Many of the victims of growing up in a narcissistic family spend years in the healing process. Some find that psychotherapy with a skilled empathic clinician helps them to recognize the war zone they have navigated all of their lives. They learn to recognize and appreciate their identities that are separate from the narcissist. In many cases they end any contact with their narcissistic relatives. There are no authentic relationships with narcissists, even if they are your relatives. Discovering and learning to lead their lives on their own terms, opens them to the full use of their gifts and talents and the awareness that they are fully capable of loving others on a deep level. Other modalities of healing can involve various forms of meditation that work for the individual, hatha yoga with emphasis on relaxation and concentration, many forms of exercise that free the mind and strengthen the body. Those who thrive after the narcissistic family wars deserve our congratulations. They have prevailed. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic mothers are psychologically empty. They have nothing to give. They are consummate takers and spoilers. They sustain themselves by picking away at the lives of others, especially their children. It is tragic that this person is a narcissist and even more horrendous that you are her child. Deep inside, in the the unconscious they hate themselves. Unfortunately their deep self loathing is projected on to their children. They are known to select certain individual children who will get the worst treatment. Often it is due to the narcissistic mother’s pernicious envy. If you are a bright, attractive, lively little child, these predatory mothers are jealous of your individual personality qualities. They cannot compete with you but since they are the adult parent, they will do everything to control you, including unwarranted punishing and imposing fear and dread at every turn. These mothers are constantly demeaning their children, telling them they are stupid, ugly, incapable of doing well in school—and the list of put downs is endless. Narcissistic mothers are queens of projected negativity. They are like vampires—sucking the psychological life out of you. Some children of these mothers sadly, are too frightened to hold on to themselves and become mother’s willing servants. Mother’s brainwashing techniques have worked on these victims. Some of them spend their lives trying to please mother, to get love out of a stone, beg to be accepted by someone who has no empathy or compassion, only psychological darkness. Other children in the same family are able to protect themselves by observing very early that there is something radically wrong with this parent. They have separated enough from this poisonous narcissistic mother to avoid psychological annihilation. They refuse to be brainwashed. They preserve vital parts of themselves that are very much alive and that sustain them as they grow up. They suffer terribly under these conditions of siege but they have kept themselves together. Children who have saved themselves take refuge in the use of the their imaginations, the search for knowledge, their acquaintance with other adults who nurture them—grandparents, aunts, mothers of their friends. These survivors learn how to walk this tightrope; they become good at preserving the unique gifts they have been given and growing to become strong and separate from the non-mothering figure.

As an adult of a narcissistic mother who is still involved in this war, learn everything you can about the true nature of narcissistic personalities. Remember they do not change; they are fixed. You deserve to heal and to remove yourself from this highly negative vortex. You may be the biological son or daughter of a narcissistic mother but first you are a unique individual. Remind yourself of this truth. You are entitled to use all of your many creative gifts and energies, to activate your potential to the maximum and to feel the fullness of life. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Victims of narcissistic abuse–spouses, children, siblings–so often feel that they are not being heard despite all they have suffered over many years. I often read and hear the refrain: “They don’t get it.” They are saying that other people even in their own families do not understand the depth and malevolent cruelties that have been perpetrated on to them. When the narcissistic mother, father, sister, brother, in-law is in a public venue, even in the family home, he is acting like a prince–very well mannered, at your service, butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. This is the external burnished image that the false self narcissist has perfected. Most people believe that this is the real person. It is definitely not. Behind closed doors when others are not watching, the real monstrous aspects of the core of this personality disorder are revealed. They are horrendous–screaming fits that never stop, intimidations and accusations that set your ears rings, humiliations that make you want to hide in a corner and never leave, threats that are believably horrific “I will leave you with nothing; you will end up on the street. I will ruin you professionally and personally. I am just the person who can and will do this to you.” Hearing this and sustaining these bombardments every day is intolerable to the victim.

Never underestimate the psychological, emotional and financial damage a narcissist will do. If you continue to take this abuse, remind yourself that it is wearing you down, that you don’t deserve it, that the image of a “perfect family” doesn’t mean anything next to the truth—-You are being victimized by a seriously disturbed narcissistic personality disorder. Learn to put yourself and your welfare (and that of your children if you have them) first. You can separate and break free from the narcissist. Many benefit from quality psychotherapy. Make sure that you choose someone who is clinically highly qualified and empathic. Find a few friends you can count on. Make your plans in advance and keep them confidential as to how you will sever this non-marriage or non-partnership or non-familial relationship. You can become whole again. The creative, evolving part of you has been waiting a long time for you to say “Yes” to freedom. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

After all of the various “hells” connected with their up-bring, children of narcissistic parent(s) are often very empathic. They have suffered so much under the dominance of a grandiose false self, self absorbed, emotionally unavailable narcissistic parent. Yet—Surprise–They are capable of understanding on a deep emotional level what another human being is suffering. They can put themselves in this individual’s place. I have seen this so many times in emails, by direct contact, in their writings, etc. Many of these children were able to make a clear discernment of the true nature of the narcissistic parent. Some were fortunate to have access to the non-narcissistic mother or father who gave them the love and affection they needed and deserved. However, there are instances in which both parents were narcissists. This is truly remarkable and commendable. These children fought all the way to maintain their individuality, their capacity for compassion, the ability to see through the delusion of the narcissistic parent and the vow that they would not travel the narcissistic road. We take heart and hope in these living examples of kind, empathic, psychologically grounded human beings. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

We have increasing numbers of narcissistic personality disorders in our society today. Being a narcissist, especially if you are successful in your profession, are attractive, etc. has become almost expected in our social and work worlds. There are still many individuals with tremendous integrity whom we can trust and have great characters.

Some of our greatest challenges are with narcissists within our families. The first move is to learn to recognize these individuals as narcissistic personality disorders who are not going to change. When you do the research, you learn to identify them. Even though they are direct relatives or in-laws—uppermost they are narcissists. Other family members may continue to make excuses for their cruel, dismissive and outright abusive behaviors. That doesn’t mean that you have to give them a pass. I have known of family situations where every member except one, put up with their cruel pathology, were fearful to assert themselves and berated the one person who was holding the truth. If one individual out of thousands knows the truth —–it is still the truth. We live in a time of narcissistic delusion. People are blinded by the burnished image that the narcissist perpetuates, his/her overwhelming “charm”, all of the promises that he makes and often the worldly success he has achieved. None of this makes this person a good human being. I have known of a number of family members who, despite all of the pressure placed on them, severed the relationship with this toxic human being. They were castigated, criticized and thought to be strange by other family members but they had to live with their truth and remove themselves from this deep level of psychopathology. Don’t let other people pressure you and take away your clear perceptions that a family members is a destructive narcissist. Keep your safe distance from them and when necessary remove your contact with them. There is nothing you can do to change them. They are psychologically poisonous and their constant inflammatory projections create a corrosive atmosphere. You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. What other people think and many are misguided about this pathology, doesn’t matter. What you know deep inside about the nature of the narcissist in your family and other narcissists is what counts. Trust what you know is true. Take care of yourself and those close to you. Protect and cherish one another. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Money, privileges, presents, perks, special indulgences are the glue that keep narcissistic families together. It isn’t love (narcissists are incapable of loving or intimacy of any kind). It’s the image of a devoted family, like a beautifully composed photograph—placed on a mantelpiece to show others something that is not true. Many people are fooled by this charade. This includes the narcissistic father’s children. If you have a mother who is psychologically fused with her narcissistic husband and looks up to him and has no identity of her own, there is great pressure for the children of this pathological union to believe the family fairy tale. “Once upon a time I had a wonderful father. He worked very hard and loved his children. Everyone thought he was great. He was very successful and charming. Mother was always by his side, reminding us to obey our marvelous father. He provided everything for us…….etc.” When you view the truth beneath this piece of fiction it is ugly, cruel and treacherous. Narcissistic fathers treat their children like objects. They weed out those who can benefit their ego interests and ignore and/or abuse the others. They demean the children they don’t favor to their golden children. This occurs to the point of extreme abuse perpetrated by the father, mother and siblings on the targeted child (children).

The narcissistic father offers monetary incentive to some of his children so that they will overlook the callous cruelty of their father. Dad makes deals with each child, promising to give him or her exactly what he wants.Children are vulnerable to accepting money. Of course narcissistic dad makes secret arrangements with each son or daughter and is told he is the favorite. The narcissist spends his entire life lying to everyone—even his children. He thinks of them as narcissistic supplies who will make you look more superior, attractive, successful. Most children of narcissists go for the money bait or the “I am my dad’s favorite” promise.

There are children of narcissistic fathers who are truthseekers. They will not be manipulated and exploited. Even as very young children they knew that their dad was a fraud and the essence of deceit. This makes their childhoods very difficult. Other children learn as adults about their father’s true nature. They are no longer in favor. His attention is drawn elsewhere. They feel the hurt of not being genuinely loved. They were used as props to maintain dad’s image. These victims of narcissistic fathers finally break the tie and eject dad from their lives. Often this means that they say goodbye to their brothers and sisters who are still playing the game in which they pretend and act like dad is a great person in exchange for financial rewards and the professional and personal connections that come with being associated with this man they call father. Those who make this decision move through a process of loss, recognizing that they never had a real father—-rather an empty unfeeling image of a parent.

After going through this process, the lives of these sons and daughters are renewed. They form loving and meaningful relationships who love them unconditionally. They are now free to lead their lives, to be completely themselves, to use their creativity and to look forward to a future that is full of integrity and hope. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Bringing two families together through marriage is a complex process that requires patience, maturity, compassion and insight. Under the best of circumstances this is very challenging. When we are dealing with narcissistic family members this becomes impossible. Narcissists don’t cooperate with others, especially family members. They seek power over others, using the tools of intimidation, deception, manipulation and the sheer fore of their personalities. In families where there are several narcissists, great rivalries can arrive, tempers flair, ugly scenes are frequent. It is common to have a narcissistic matriarch or patriarch who controls the actions and emotions of the other family members.

Sensitive children raised in this psychological climate suffer horribly in this environment of emotional turmoil, constant feuding and all out verbal battles and threats. Often these children find ways to escape into their own minds and detach themselves from the battles for power that erupt frequently. They learn to deftly remove themselves from the line of fire. As small children they have to learn to take care of themselves in order to survive. Life for them is about survival. They live in fear, even terror that they will be punished for something they were unjustly accused of, for not being perfect, for disappointing the tyrannical narcissistic parent.

Fortunately, many of emotionally deprived and abused children find a way to escape their family psychopathology by leaving these homes of horror, using their initiative and intelligence to pursue the professional ambitions and use their creative gifts After they become independent adults, many adult children who grew up in these chaotic dysfunctional families benefit from good psychotherapy or other healing modalities that help them to deal with the psychological deprivation and multiple cruelties that they experienced growing up in narcissistic blended families. Those who survive and prevail deserve our praise.They have weathered a very difficult childhood inheritance. Using their faith in themselves and unrelenting perseverance, they have become individuated people who love and respect themselves and form warm, lasting relationships. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

In our current society narcissists are venerated, followed and fawned over. They are our national and state leaders, politicians, CEO’s, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, entertainment elite, medical doctors, university professors, spiritual teachers. The list is endless and growing.

Most people are captivated by the burnished image of an individual not their true nature. If someone is highly attractive, bright, educated, very articulate and charming, many are immediately drawn to this person. It is difficult to separate the image that a person presents from what lies behind the smooth talk, gorgeous eyes, confident stance, commanding presence. If you pay close attention and study the narcissistic personality you will learn to recognize that many of those who present themselves in this way are not “good people.” By this I don’t mean that they are criminals but that they don’t give a damn about you, never will and are motivated only by what they can take from you. They are users and exploiters par excellence. They have been learning this craft all of their lives. Most of them have felt superior to everyone else since they were small children. Narcissists are created not born. There is no narcissistic gene.

I say that narcissists are not good people because when we know what they reap in terms of human relationships, the picture is ugly. Yes, they may give money to worthy causes. Some of them are generous and that is good and praise worthy. But when we view their personal lives we see close up the psychological havoc they wreak with their spouses and children and other family members. I read and directly hear countless personal life stories of those who grew up with narcissistic families. What has happened to them for decades is devastating and horrific. They have been emotionally and psychologically abused throughout their childhoods and into adulthood. In a common scenario the parent’s public image is impeccable. People look up to this individual as a model–someone they want to emulate. The very opposite is true. Most often what is true about an individual takes place behind closed doors. It occurs in secret. It is kept secret because of the narcissist’s threatening and abusive treatment of family members. They have learned to keep quiet because their lives depend on it.God help those who cross a narcissistic mother, father, sibling, in-law. Narcissists control their private fiefdoms. Some spouses and children are brain washed and psychologically fuse with the narcissist. They are in massive denial and remain that way for the rest of their lives. Others recognize who this person truly is—a severe, highly disturbed, venal, cruel narcissistic personality who will continue to abuse them. They disengage themselves from this toxic family member, find ways to escape, save themselves and lead their own lives.

Learn to identify the narcissistic personality quickly so that you cannot be victimized by them, regardless of their public image, personal magnetism, convincing lies, charming overtures to you. To understand the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your

“Casting one’s lot with a narcissist means that your life no longer belongs to you. Your mental freedom and psychological space are invaded…The narcissist creates an unbroken fusion with his intimates, treating them like the intricately woven fabric of his own personality.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life, p. 160) Since the narcissistic is incapable of emotional intimacy, he/she cannot form close relationship, especially as a spouse or parent. The narcissist believes that his spouse is a living possession who belongs to him and must follow the script he has written. Your perspective, regardless of how well informed and intelligent, is of no value to the narcissist. These severe personalities rule by intimidation and intimidation.

Those who grew up in a narcissistic family are particularly vulnerable to marry a narcissistic partner. Repeating this pathological pattern is not unusual. These children are familiar with this kind of treatment although it was highly abusive. Sons and daughters struggle with a sense of unworthiness. Narcissistic parents overwhelm their children.

There are exceptions. Some spouses wake up and recognize that they have been psychologically imprisoned by their husband or wife. After decades of abuse, neglect, betrayals and chronic lying, they make the decision for psychological freedom. No longer will they be screamed at constantly, humiliated for voicing their opinion. Instead they will take creative initiatives to fulfill their personal destiny, growing as a strong solid self with a sense of inner peace and optimism. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

There are many extraordinary human beings who grew up in narcissistic families. Mother, father, sisters, brothers, in-laws, grandparents—every pattern imaginable exists. This is one of the most difficult family constellations for a growing child. In some cases there are surrogate parents in the form of a brother, sister, aunt, grandparent, who provides a sense of acceptance, affection and being cared for. In others the child grows up very isolated, believing that this family is the only reality. Other children see through the charade early and learn to maneuver through their own lives by keeping themselves almost invisible, pretending to go along with the narcissistic family delusion, while maintaining their own sense of reality. Some children escape into books, spend a lot of time at the homes of friends, learn a great deal from their teachers, use their imaginations for creative purposes and insulate themselves from the pathology that surrounds them.

At some point the children in narcissistic families discover that the people who”raised” them were unable to be genuine. As narcissists they lived as false often grandiose selves. Getting in touch with the real self is not possible for the narcissist. Children in these families are often highly favored as special and superior. Many of them become narcissists and repeat the family pattern.

Those who step out and separate and individuate from the narcissistic family of origin take a monumental passage forward to re-acquaint themselves with their true selves and all of their special gifts, talents and energies that they have concealed from themselves for so long. One of the purposes we are here on earth is to manifest our creative gifts in the special form it takes in each individual. The maxim–“Let your light shine” is a wise one and essential to leading whole, healing and triumphant lives. You may be surprised at how many of your creative gifts you have left lying fallow. Many are amazed at the rich capacities that they have deep within them. The other part of your healing is in sharing what you have learned with others. There are so many people who feel trapped by the narcissistic personality.in each family constellation. Some of those who are now living in the freedom of the light communicate their journeys in various forms–writing, art, being active in support groups.

We celebrate your perseverance through this process and the emergence of your real self that has been waiting all of your life to become the person you were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]