narcississtic personality - The Narcissist In Your Life

Leaving the Narcissist—From Delusion to Truth

Narcissists live in a world of their own making. For the classic narcissist it is larger than life to suit his enormous ego. They stand at the center of the universe—everything and everyone revolves around them. Those who are married to narcissists, children of narcissists or siblings of narcissists are keenly aware that there isn’t enough room for them in this view of reality. The narcissist is highly deluded. He/she believes that he is perfect, incapable of making mistakes, ruthlessly self absorbed and willing to psychologically endanger even his wife and children to get what he wants. Some spouses of narcissists are so mesmerized by them that they are psychologically fused and are unable to distinguish themselves from their partner. In spite of this some of those who share a comfortable lifestyle with the narcissist continue to fool themselves that they are truly loved. The narcissist cannot love or be intimate with another human being. Many are deluded, spending much of their lives wishing rather than facing reality. At times we are swept away and impressed with people who are highly successful and appear to have it all, without considering that they are not human beings of integrity. They are shallow, empty, venal, ruthless and superficial. It is their worldly acquisitions and their power reach that impress the majority of people today. This is all part of the narcissistic style which has become predominant among a large portion of our population.

Many of those psychologically abused by the narcissist in their roles of spouse, child or sibling finally wake up and recognize that this individual suffers from a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Spouses of narcissists can decide to stay in this abusive relationship and make the most of their constrained lives. You cannot be yourself; you are suffocating from the narcissist’s overwhelming role in your life; you are not free to be creative and you have no inner peace. Severing a relationship with a narcissist is not easy but it can be done. It is a grand leap from delusion to truth—your truth. Those who have taken this initiative with courage and perseverance discover that they are now living with the truth about themselves, have their life opening and expanding in front of them and are free to determine their own destinies. If they have children, they have given them a greater chance of becoming whole solid human beings who seek and experience truth over delusion.

Major life decisions are worth all of the hard work, effort and stamina that they take. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Each moment lived in truth is a great achievement. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as a book and e-Book
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists—Savagely Cruel—Merciless—Without Conscience

Narcissists appear to be inhuman—They are inhumane! If you think you can change one of these individuals, forget it. Most of them are molded from early childhood as grandiose false selves that wear a mask that appears to be real. The outer image is irresistible–Beauty, handsomeness, magnetism, sexuality, pseudo empathy, extreme confidence, brightness and brilliance. These are some of the qualities of the high flying narcissists who make it big in our world today.The number of narcissists we are producing is increasing faster than we can keep count. Our current society rewards them for their worldly success despite the number of people they have emotionally injured; those they have left financially immobilized; people who have become physically ill from the stress of living with them decade after decade.

When you are at your lowest emotional ebb the narcissistic spouse, mother or sibling will verbally pounce, assaulting you without mercy. They are determined to destroy you. They cry out that they are the injured party; you are making their life intolerable when it is quite the opposite.

These cruelties become particularly magnified during a divorce from a narcissist. They are never fair. If you agree to give them a fair split of the properties and investments they demand more. They hire attorneys to intimidate you into complete capitulation. They wear you down night and day—they have great stamina for fighting dirty. Remember, you have a conscience and care deeply about other human beings. They don’t. It’s as if the capacity for compassion was never in their genes. There is no narcissistic gene. These merciless individuals are created in the familial crucibles of childhood.

Learn to identify narcissists early so that you don’t become enmeshed with them. If you must interact with a narcissist, you have a heads up on their true natures. Your knowledge of them strengthens your position. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Narcissists are Shameful but Shameless

Shame is an uncomfortable emotion most of us experience. When we are shamed, we feel like we want to disappear, to become invisible. Shame is an intolerable feeling. We are humiliated and feel very small, even non-existent. Children who have been shamed by their parent (s) often carry these feelings into adulthood. Deeply ingrained shame can lead to a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness and not having a solid resilient sense of self.

The narcissistic personality is the opposite. He or she can commit the cruelest acts and say the meanest words to another with the intention of hurting them and feel absolutely no shame or guilt as a result. A narcissist can watch the withering blows that his raging has on his victim and not even blink. He views this person as weak and insignificant, someone who is worthless. Narcissists have no sense of limits. They lead their lives without the borders of decency, compassion or conscience. Their speed on life’s highway is always full throttle even when their malicious and careless behaviors psychological, financially and emotionally harm the lives of others, even their own families. Narcissists go to any lengths to get what they want. If a sibling is in the way of their collecting on a parent’s will, they will make sure that they become very cozy with their elderly relative, spread convincing lies about the brother or sister and successfully pressure the aging parent to let them take charge of all of their financial matters. This happens all the time.

Male and female narcissists are particularly shameful when it comes to personal, intimate relationships, including marriage. To most narcissists, marriage is not a true union—it is a one sided business deal. Narcissists write their own marriage vows–“I will do what works for me. When you (my spouse) no longer fulfill my needs or desires or my narcissistic supplies, I will discard you without notice.” This is the unstated but true marriage deal that one makes with a narcissist. Even if a marriage lasts for several decades you can be sure that the narcissistic partner is doing a lot of “sexual free-lancing” on the side. Narcissists are highly skilled at juggling women. If the narcissistic partner is exposed, he tells an easy lie and moves on.

Narcissists are not good parents. They are too self absorbed, greedy and self entitled to give their attention and care to a small child. They will make sure that the family photos are seen by all of those who count. This is part of their elaborate image that must be perpetuated. They are not hands on parents. Children of narcissistic parents often speak of how they were abandoned, forgotten or never remembered. Mother or father was too busy working and having a good time to be with kids. Some narcissistic parents buy their kids off, offering them gifts rather than affection, attention or empathy. The narcissistic parent believes that he is a good human being and has done everything possible for his children. Narcissistic mothers and fathers will choose one child who is a standout–pretty, handsome, very bright, talented–to be the perfect reflection of themselves. They mold this child in their likeness and believe that he or she can do no wrong and is superior to the other children. Unfortunately, some of these children become narcissists who grow up to be shameful and shameless, cruel and duplicitous like their parent (s).

Become knowledgeable about the narcissistic personality. Appreciate who you are as an individual, draw clear psychological boundaries and use your special gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as books and e-Books
Email: [email protected]

Don’t Have Children with a Narcissist

I hear too many life stories that begin continue and end with great psychological pain and regret that involve having children with a narcissistic spouse. Very often the non-narcissistic spouse has no idea that he or she has fallen in love with a narcissistic personality. After all, these individuals are so full of charm, confidence and they appear to be so enamored of us. How can we resist them! Many people can’t and don’t know whom they are marrying. When the time comes to have children, there are no questions or doubts. The non-narcissistic spouse has had some inklings that she is married to a person who is very self absorbed, selfish, emotionally cool, is subject to forms of rage and ranting and is incapable of taking another person’s feelings and concerns to heart.

The time of reckoning often comes with the arrival of children. The narcissistic spouse is not invested in the daily and lifelong commitments to being emotionally available, loving, caring, affectionate with his/her child. Some narcissists are workaholics (that’s what they say when they are not at home) and have a hand’s off attitude toward their children. They go through the motions. There is a short morning greeting and maybe a goodnight hug. Very often the narcissistic parent sees very little of his children during the week. On weekends he is out with his buddies playing golf, riding his motorcycle, going to a favorite watering hole with friends. When the child wants to see daddy or mommy these narcissistic parents are buried in their work they brought home. They shut the home office door and are completely uncommunicative. Many children of narcissistic parents report that they rarely saw their mother and/or father. They were on their own most of the time. Lonely days after school if both people are working and one or even two narcissistic parents make for painful psychological feelings of rejection, worthlessness, sadness, deep anger, psychological numbing.

If you strongly suspect that the person you are planning to marry —DON’T. If you believe that your spouse is a narcissist and have done the research—don’t have children with this person. Narcissists make our lives much more difficult if not impossible. And what they do to children is emotionally dreadful. Some of their children become narcissists themselves and move on to hurt others and the cycle is unending.

If you are married to a narcissist and have children, do your best. Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know whom you had married. You will love and protect them every way you can. If you decide to sever the relationship, know that you have the strength and knowledge to do this. Trust your intuition, your support group of friends and your personal psychological solidity to get through this process. Move forward with your life with a steady, solid step, knowing that you have done your best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists are Forceful-Starting with the Handshake and Gaze

Many narcissists begin their act by letting you know that they are in control of everything, including you. I have had narcissists upon introduction give me an overpowering handshake. It smarted. This doesn’t mean that a strong handshake is negative; it can mean confidence and self assertion. I am speaking about narcissists who come on strong from the beginning. They look directly in your eyes, riveting their gaze to yours simultaneously with the intimidating shake. I have watched these narcissists go on to overpower people by the force of their personalities. So many individuals are impressed with people who are strong, self entitled and highly successful.

You may feel inferior in their presence. This reaction is tailor made for them to overwhelm you with fear, awe and/or dread. If the narcissist is in a position of authority like an attorney, psychiatrist, judge, CEO, etc. we are inclined to relinquish our power to them. This is a serious mistake. No one has the right to control or intimidate you, especially spouses, ex-spouses, siblings and professionals that you hire. Learn to watch these clever actors closely. Your keen observations and intuition will tell you that they are out of line. You get a sense that you are being forced by the willfulness of this individual to do what they want. When you try to reason with them, they will not listen and raise the volume on their “certainty.” If this escalates they are clever at scaring people. They paint catastrophes that will befall you if you do not listen and exactly what they say.

When you hire someone as an expert–a lawyer, doctor, therapist, etc. —they are working for you. Your knowledge and research is valuable. If they disparage your questions, treat you with disrespect by not listening or blowing off your observations, you know that you are dealing with someone who functions to control others to gain mastery over them (and often their money if there are fees involved.) These narcissists are always looking for victims. They sense weaknesses and unsureness–that’s the master predator at work. Beat him/her at his ugly game through knowledge, your intuition, strong self assertion and self respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists Feel Great-They Make Others Feel Miserable

Getting too close to a narcissist, particularly if you marry one or are one of his/her children, can cause you to become ill—psychologically, emotionally or physically. It could take some time but eventually your life will be turned upside down and your stress levels will increase and your life will become more difficult. There are exceptions—those who buy in to the narcissist’s delusions and become true believers. Many of these individuals are narcissistic themselves or hangers on who are too impressed with the narcissist’s power to manipulate and overwhelm people to get what they want. They believe in trickle-down–that some of that over-confidence and extreme self entitlement will rub off on them.

Those who live with the narcissist who are on the receiving end of the harshest of treatments. They survive behind the gates of a harsh ruler. They may be leading a decent lifestyle on the surface but there is no comfort, empathy, kindness or understanding from this dictator. Some narcissists buy off their marital partners so that their image is protected. I know of several narcissists who have given their wives “shut up” money after they have been exposed of infidelities. These women go along with this program because they are terrified that if they leave or are shut out they will be living in more reduced circumstances. They have gone down the road with the narcissist too long to pull away now. These spouses pay a very high price for their decision. They are not free to lead their own lives. Their thinking is constrained –they are constantly at the call of the outrageous demands of the narcissistic spouse—day and night. When they comply, it is not good enough. Even if they are very ill, this is no excuse for the narcissist. He demeans them, calls them weak and worthless. Some spouses force themselves, regardless of their emotional, psychological or physical state, to be ever-ready for the phone call, the scream, the threat that will come at any minute. They must be ready at all times to serve this tyrannical person. These ugly scenarios occur all of the time–they just aren’t public. Some women are physically hit by their narcissistic spouses time after time. The feeling of threat throughout the household is palpable at all times. This is a toxic atmosphere for raising children. Their father is a cruel patriarch who is only interested in how perfectly they produce perfect school grades, how well they perform athletically, if they have music talents or dramatic talents that can be exploited as narcissistic supplies to the father.

How much is misery worth? Are you willing to exchange your peace of mind and well being and that of your children, for the lifestyle. When will the time come when you have had enough. Will it take getting physically ill to make the decision? Will it involve your child’s stress level becoming so high that he/she can no longer function at school? Are you willing to exchange your identity, inner self, peace of mind, the opportunity to express and be your true self and use all of your creative gifts for the outer trappings of the narcissistic lifestyle. What we know for sure is that these individuals do not change——ever! This is a life sentence for you and you never know when you will be discarded and/or replaced with someone else who is younger, prettier, more compliant, a better puppet.

Take a long view of your life. You have much to contribute. You deserve to express your ideas, feelings and to use all of your creative gifts in freedom. Think about the lives of your children. They know that you love them and will protect them. For you, this can be the time of reckoning–changing your life, separating yourself from the narcissist to reclaim you own identity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists Despise Those Who are Not Successful Like Them

Have you talked with a narcissist lately and heard the blather that comes out of their mouths? They are obsessed with the externals of life–how much money they have made and are making–their perfect homes which they continue to re-do constantly-their perfect children who are brilliant and are headed for M.D’s.–medical specialties only, big pharma, high level positions in hi-tech, Wall Street firms, hedge fund management, etc. (There are individuals of excellent character who go into professions that pay them very well. They provide services to others as a result of their schooling and training.)

Narcissistic parents reinforce materialism, competitiveness at any cost, the cult of image over substance, a lack of morality that says:”I’ve got mine; the hell with you.” and looks down on those who have not succeeded in the world. If your life has taken hard turns and landed you in a number of ditches–financial, medical, psychological—forget asking for help from a narcissist, especially a member of your own family. They will cut you to the quick—telling you that it is your fault that you got yourself into this mess. They play the superiority card. Nothing in their lives has gone wrong financially—They have not experienced those horrendous dips or engulfing pot holes that swallow you up–the medical bills that pile up, the bad credit scores that come afterward, the illness that threatens your lives. They are above it all. They will make you feel like this is your fault and you deserve to suffer for it. That is not the case. You may be in financial trouble and you may have bad credit but there are things you can do to help yourself. Many people think they are stuck in that situation, but you can get a short term loan for bad credit which could be the boost you need. You could also look for financial advice on how to build up your credit through financial organizations such as Nova Credit (see more here) as well as others that provides people with advice and tips on how to get themselves in a more stable place. Bad credit can impact various areas of your life, whether that be the ability to buy a house or purchasing a car. There are ways around this, of course; for example, you can still buy a car with this poor credit car finance service. However, it is best to keep your credit score in the best place possible. There are also loans available for those who are experiencing bad credit. You will always be able to find help no matter what your circumstances. Caveat/Bridge loans are short term loans that aren’t affected by bad credit, and you can easily learn more about bridging loan rates from a simple search online. Don’t let what the narcissists say make you think otherwise about your character.

You have worked hard all of your life. You have been dealt a very tough hand to play. You are an ethical and moral person who will not cheat or take from others. Today people are not measured by the content of their characters– their empathy, the suffering they have endured, their kindness to other people. This current Narcissistic Society evaluates you by what you own and how much money you have—-that is the sum total of your worth as an individual from a narcissistic point of view. This would all be pathetic if it wasn’t so harmful to those who are suffering so intensely.

There is something called luck or fate. It cab determine much of what is going to happen to us. Luck is real. Lucrative business connections are real. Being ruthless is real. Narcissists are completely ruthless and treacherous–especially with business associates whom they vanquish and with members of their own family. Narcissists focus on money, power, and their personal image every waking moment. (They are restless and don’t think deeply or are capable of seeing themselves from the inside) If there is money involved and you have a narcissistic mother, father or sibling (or all of the above) –watch out! The money threat will be held over your head for the rest of your life if you don’t make the decision that it doesn’t matter and you recognize that your destiny is not about money alone. Obviously, we all have to find a way to live each day. By the way it is a very rare person who understands the pain involved in not having enough money for rent, food and clothing. I have discovered that there are very few people with huge financial resources who have the capacity to understand what it feels like every day worrying about where your next dollar is coming from. It is equally rare for those who have not experienced tragedy in their lives to deeply understand it and have compassion and mercy for those who have endured it.

For many it becomes impossible with acquaintances, friends and family members (including spouses) to listen to the criticisms, humiliations, impertinent questions of those who simply refuse to understand and turn a cruel, blind eye to the one who is suffering the most. These are not relationships; they are opportunities for the narcissist to feel superior and victorious. The narcissist is in massive denial about himself and his entire life. These misperceptions will never change. The die has been cast; the hard shell of the narcissistic personality cannot be cracked to let the light of compassion in. They are fixed and immutable.

Narcissists do not belong in your world. They rattle and disturb everyone around them. If you work with a narcissist, you will find ways to cope with them through detachment from their sickness and maintaining your secure psychological boundaries.

It is your personal decision to keep them out of your personal life. Your life is precious. It is headed in the direction of pursuing truth not narcissistic delusion. Your life is creative—use all of your gifts. You are a loving person–share your heart. I know many individuals who have simplified their lives and have found comfort, creative productivity and calm in making this decision. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life Email:[email protected]

Leaving Your Narcissistic Family–Appreciating Who You Are

All of your life you have been told what to do by overbearing narcissistic family members. You find yourself in your thirties, forties and beyond still trying to please mother, father, sister, brother—the family narcissists. You have tried everything to please them, to make them proud of you, to always try your very best. It was and is never enough—-And It Never Will Be because you are dealing with individuals who have a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. You will always be blamed for their mistakes, their cruelties, their misfortunes. You will be subjected to an endless stream of humiliations, accusations, verbal attacks and outright lies about your character. They will and have talked about you behind your back. One of the worst labels that narcissistic family members use is that you are “crazy.” That gives everyone they speak with a jolt. “They are a wonderful family, except for that ‘crazy daughter’ of theirs. I feel so sorry for them. It is such an embarrassment.” I have communicated with many daughters and sons enmeshed in narcissistic families who have described this experience exactly as I am writing it. In effect the narcissistic family is projecting their psychopathology on to a scapegoated child. This is often a child who is highly sensitive, intelligent and emotionally vulnerable. He or she has had to wear this dreadful label. Some children grow up and believe that they must be crazy since that is how they have been treated. The pain they endure is intolerable.

Fortunately, in many instances the scapegoated child, now grown, accesses the truth about herself/himself and recognizes that it is the family that is highly disturbed not her/him. Some of these children spend a great deal of time trying to understand what happened to them, do research about the psychopathology in narcissistic families and get professional help. Within the security and healing environment of good psychotherapy they get in touch with their true selves. They recognize and appreciate who they are and have been all of their lives–an individual of value and uniqueness with many creative gifts and a new cycle of life that is awaiting them. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Trauma over Childhood with Narcissistic Sister

Some adults still suffer from the trauma they experienced as small children as a result of the brutality of a narcissistic older sister. From the beginning the younger child was frightened, even from babyhood. Often parents tend to ignore these activities or don’t even notice them because THEY ARE DONE IN SECRET. When the baby cries the older sister makes an excuse and says that the baby is fussy or hungry. So many parents, especially those who are narcissistic and completely fixated on their own precious lives, believe this narcissistic monster child of theirs. These terrifying and traumatizing incidents can occur hundreds of times throughout the victim’s childhood and the perversity and cruelty of the narcissistic older sister is never addressed. The victimized child has been living in a war zone of covert and overt activity all of her life. As they grow older, the victimized child often find ways of being invisible. She leaves the house frequently to be with friends, goes to the library or even finds good hiding places in the house. There have been horrendous occasions when the older sister has invited friends over when the parents are not home for the sole purpose of taunting and terrorizing the younger siblings. I have known of cases of small children lock in closets, forced to eat food that made them sick, being the object of cruel jokes, placed in the dark while tied with rope. These memories do not fade. Even as adults daughters victimized by narcissistic older sister still cringe at the thoughts of what happened to them and especially that no one, especially a parent had any awareness of these horrendous ongoing patterns of physical, psychological and emotional abuse.

As adults the victimized child often decides to sever her relationship with the narcissistic perpetrator. All she has known from this person is the infliction of terror, humiliation and abuse. Narcissistic parents often blame the victim and rally around the narcissistic older sister since she is the golden chosen one who can do no wrong. In these cases the child who has suffered so much leaves her entire family behind. Many of them are able to benefit from skilled psychotherapy, learn to trust and form an therapeutic alliance with the therapist and begin to heal from a form of post traumatic stress they have experienced for many years. In the process of healing, many of these individuals discover the value of their true selves and learn to appreciate and nurture themselves as well as finding people they can trust and form close relationships. The road to healing has many ups and downs but on the other side is leading life that you have always deserved. Finally you feel secure and at peace; you have the energy and strength to recognize and apply your special creative gifts and to fulfill your great potential. You deserve our deepest respect and honor. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists—Ravenous Exploiters

Narcissists are incessantly hungry for the next person or situation they will exploit. They take advantage of everyone in their lives, especially those close to them–spouses and children. They are ruthless in business which works very well for them these days when so many of those who are highly successful are narcissists. Our current society has normalized narcissistic personalities. The aim of life is to win. Winning is defined as defeating competitors at any cost, discarding those who have fallen on tough times (Narcissists blame those who through no fault of their own have not been able to “make it”) manipulating those who are emotionally vulnerable. Narcissists are seamless performers. They appear to care about you and they are believable with their chronic lying. Their plan is to exploit you and your gifts, contacts and creative ideas. When they have squeezed the most they need for their satisfaction, you are discarded. This occurs whether you have known them for months, years or decades. There is always a time certain when you will be sent into the darkness alone unless you are fulfilling some essential selfish need that they have. Narcissists don’t have real relationships. They view you as a commodity and determine your value. Their spouses and children are often used as actors whom they direct. Narcissists are highly controlling. They are especially obsessed with their image. If you are the spouse or child of a narcissist you will be taking orders from them and following them or else.

Don’t expect your narcissistic spouse or parent to change. Narcissistic personality is a serious fixed characterlogical disorder that is not going to change. If they agree to go to therapy, it is for a reason and that is not to get better. Why would they change when they believe that you have the problem and they are perfect. Narcissists often sabotage psychotherapy and are even known to get the therapist on their side.

Ask yourself if you want to continue to lead your life this way—to be constantly controlled, hounded, criticized, demeaned and undermined by this individual. How much does your life matter to you. Spend some time researching the narcissistic personality disorder. Begin to recognize that you have unique value as an individual. You are entitled to be treated with respect, to be left to think your own thoughts, to be creative and to follow your own life path. You deserve to experience inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]