narcississtic personality - The Narcissist In Your Life

You are the Narcissist’s Possession

“Casting one’s lot with a narcissist means that your life no longer belongs to you. Your mental freedom and psychological space are invaded…The narcissist creates an unbroken fusion with his intimates, treating them like the intricately woven fabric of his own personality.”(Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

Narcissists are driven to have what they want and must have regardless of the people whom they ruthlessly push aside (even their small children) lie to, cheat, psychologically abuse, trick or cause psychological and physical harm. They are bulldozers, juggernauts, human tsunamis. You can’t win with a narcissistic spouse unless you fuse with them and allow them to eclipse your inner world of creativity and freedom and go along for all of the perks and material upsides of one who is rising in power and financial assets. Some spouses choose that direction. There is so much to gain by having the next lovely object—a special article of clothing, an irresistible piece of jewelry, a perfectly designed home, a grand trip, the prestige to be married to a man or woman who is sought after as a very special person in the world. This is so tempting to many spouses that they can’t say ‘No”. The deeper and closer the fusion with the narcissistic spouse the less capacity to individuate out as a separate person who is free to be genuine and to use their creative gifts and full potential.

Some spouses decide that they must sever this pathological relationship. Many of them do it for their children. They recognize the damage that staying with the narcissistic spouse is doing each day. They make the decision to divorce. This is a difficult process with a narcissist but they are up for the fight. They have confidence in themselves, have chosen an excellent, bright, fearless attorney who knows how narcissists operate. In the aftermath the spouse, now free from bondage, is free to renew his/her own life and the endless opportunities that it holds. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists Play “I have Changed” Card

One of the repetitive themes that runs through the cycle of abuse with the narcissistic spouse is: “I have changed. I want you back. I am a different person now.” This works very well for many narcissists. They are such brilliant method actors that the abused spouse believes them. She has been waiting to hear these words for years. She wants to believe that this man has transformed himself. She still loves this husband who has abused her for years. She takes him back and soon discovers that he has returned to get something that he wants. In some cases it is a financial ruse. He knows that you have been very successful at your career or business and he has come to take you for every financial asset you have. Another reason is that he doesn’t want to go through a divorce because in the agreement he will lose too much of his monetary worth. He would much rather have a pretend marriage with you as the official spouse that leaves him lots of opportunities for his affairs. He needs the image of the perfect marriage and family. Beneath the surface he is still leading a secret life.

Narcissistic personalities do not change. This is a fixed characterlogical disorder. Narcissists believe they are perfect. Don’t let the narcissistic spouse back into your life. You don’t deserve this abuse and exploitation. Free yourself. You will find your own way. You will use your creative gifts. Your energy and emotional and psychological health will be restored. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Learn Detachment from Narcissistic Spouse during Divorce

You have been married to a narcissist for three years, ten years, twenty years or more You have done everything to make it work. The harder you try the greater his reprisals and betrayals. You are weary, bordering on becoming chronically depressed and anxious over this non-relationship. After a last blow up and cruel projection by him, a false accusation that cuts through you—it is reckoning time. You have decided to divorce your narcissistic spouse.

As you prepare by obtaining the finest attorney you can—highly knowledgeable in family law, savvy about human nature, intellectually tough but well contained and highly articulate, you will benefit by learning the art and skill of emotional detachment.

Begin by knowing that most of what this person says to you is a projection coming from his unconscious. It is evidence of his self hatred. This is ejected on to you. Learn not to take it in by practicing ways to stay in the part of the nervous system that is calming. While he is running about in fight or flight, jarring your nervous system and scrambling your mind, you can practice each day how to stay centered. This is a definite skill and you will become accomplished. There are many avenues to this goal. One is meditation. Make this simple. Take a few minutes each day to sit in quiet where you will not be interrupted. Take several breaths through the nose. Inhale for a few seconds (do what is comfortable to you) hold briefly at the top of the breath, then exhale through the nose. The exhalation is calming so make it a little longer. Do any type of exercise that works for you. Be as consistent as you can. This quiets the nervous system. Then observe your breath as it naturally moves in at the tip of the nostrils and out. If calming music helps you with this process, listen as you meditate. Take a few minutes each day to write down your thoughts and feelings as they spontaneously flow. Writing is a mysterious process–let it go and become itself without any editing on your part. This process is both creative and helps you to distance yourself from the narcissist. Do not engage him unless you have to. Keep interchanges neutral as much as you can. For support go to a couple of friends whom you trust and care about you.

Do not share any of your plans with this person. He will use them against you. This provides greater psychological distance from the narcissistic spouse. If he goes into his screaming act, picture a two year old in tantrum mode who isn’t getting exactly what he wants. Metaphorically—leave him on the floor having one of his fits of rage. You disown this behavior. It is not about you. Be patient and loving with yourself.

I hear good news from the divorce front from women and men who have learned to detach, divorce and free themselves up to lead their own lives. Wishing you all the best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Father-Running Off with Daughter’s Girlfriend

Narcissists have no limits–moral, ethical, legal—They are indecent human beings on many levels. If you have a narcissistic parent you know how outrageous they will be. They have no shame. I have known of a number of instances in which the narcissist’s daughter had a close friend who was like part of the family. The young adult daughter of the narcissist was shocked to find out that her father was making passes at her best friend. She kept telling herself this couldn’t be happening. She idealized her father and thought of her mother as weak, an appendage of her father. She was unable to stand up for herself. When college time came father and mother divorced. Dad soon began dating, often seeing a couple of women in one evening. Alice (let’s call her) was shocked by her dad’s behavior. He was acting like a teenager. In walks Alice’s childhood friend, Gina for a college break. Alice feels the sparks fly and the chemistry stir between this man she calls dad and her best friend. Alice notices that Gina is becoming secretive with her. On a particular evening she discovers her father upstairs with her friend Gina in a compromising scene in the master bedroom. Alice is stunned. She can’t believe it. Her father announces that he and Gina love one another, have for some time and are planning to get married in the very near future. That is exactly what happens. Alice can barely tolerate getting through the ceremonies. She is humiliated and feels deeply betrayed. She has lost her father and best friend. This man she has known as an absentee workaholic dad is the husband of a young woman who is thirty years younger than his daughter. To make matters more painful, Gina was pregnant before the wedding and will soon deliver a half brother or sister to Alice. She is devastated. Alice gets a lot of benefit from excellent psychotherapy. She recognizes that her father is a narcissist who was never capable of loving anyone, who doesn’t have any psychological boundaries, who goes after what he wants, no matter whom it hurts, including his own daughter.

Alice severs her non-relationship with this man she called dad and her previous friend and current wife.

Working very hard with skilled psychotherapy and the support of close friends, Alice heals, moves through her grief of never having a real dad and is able to put her own life together. This takes time, patience and courage. She renews her relationship with her mother and forgives her for not being strong enough to stand up for herself. Alice is renewing her life on her own terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists Abandon Their Families and Re-Invent Themselves

Narcissistic men (and women) cannot be parents. These men are too obsessed with themselves and their images.They act out with women, having multiple affairs, and children from these unions. They have no shame from their reprehensible behaviors. If they have power in the world as high level executives, A- list entertainers–movie stars, etc or members of the social elite, they get away it. These days , living in a narcissistic society, most people simply shrug about these matters. It is so pervasive. Others think that it is perfectly fine that this narcissistic man has put shame on his wife and especially his children. He is their father in name only. Psychologically, he has a severe personality disorder that is never going to change. Their is no motivation since he believes that he is perfect and everyone else falls into place on his side. In this current narcissistic social climate, highly placed individuals can get away with just about anything.

After causing all of this trauma and distress to his ex-wife and children, he moves on to re-invent himself and burnish his image. It is reprehensible that a famous narcissist with an endless group of followers and adorers is given “kudos” to move on with his life despite the horrendous psychological damage he has done.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so that you don’t become involved with one in a partnership or marriage. The narcissistic style —-“It’s all about me!” –is becoming more normalized every day. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Men Despise Independent Women

Narcissists control others with the back of their hand. They have learned this from childhood. Male narcissists were often controlled by their mothers. Momma, mom, mother—adored them to use as her puppet and her psychological partner. She chose her son over her husband. Some adult male narcissists report that mother comes to visit the family and in secret tells her son that she wants to go to dinner with him for a “date.” The narcissistic male is often psychologically possessed by his mother. Unconsciously he grows to hate her. There is always an ambivalence with mother, a love/hate relationship. The male child cannot be free and is emasculated.

Ironically, narcissistic men love the chase and the seduction of women. If they are married they often have numerous affairs, even hidden children in the shadows. With each conquest they move on to the next. They never tire; they are hungry for more females they can conquer. If they are powerful in the world and good looking and completely charming, they succeed on a superficial level. They are voracious in their need to seduce.

Narcissistic men despise women who are independently minded—those they cannot fool and know instantly who they really are. Some women are so astute that after a few flirtatious rounds they have picked up the scent of the narcissist and turn their heads away. The narcissist cannot have them, cannot bargain with them, cannot possess them. They are contained and control their own lives—they are psychologically independent women. Narcissistic men hate what they cannot own and control and abuse. The narcissistic man is never free of the mother who controls him even after her death. She has put her imprint on his soul and it is indelible.

Narcissistic men despise all women and independent ones in particular. If you are in this category, celebrate. If you have been fooled by a narcissistic man (and that includes a lot of us) but now know who they really are, give yourself a hand. If you are just finding out that the man you are with is a narcissist, keep doing your research. It is worth the effort. There is a celebration ahead for you. Never stop digging for the truth.

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Narcissistic Spouses Seek Revenge Taking A Pound of Your Flesh

Narcissists are always on the take. They are aggressive, unempathic, merciless and driven to get exactly what they want. If you have been married to one for years or decades, you must know that they don’t care about your feelings. They are using you for their own purposes. Everyone in their lives is expendable. They can and will replace you. Narcissistic spouses wear you down to the nub. If you are emotionally and psychologically vulnerable, you are at particular risk.

If you want to stay in the narcissist’s favor, you must mirror them perfectly. Regardless of how perfect you are and how well you follow their orders, it is never enough. If you cross them and become more independent, they seek revenge. Since they don’t have a conscience to slow them down, they go right for the jugular. They take their pound of your flesh. They kick you when you are down and take control of mutual financial assets. They know how to whisk them away in secret, leaving you vulnerable and at their mercy.

If you wait too long to divorce them and they have the upper hand, the narcissist holds the best cards. He slaps you when you are down. I know of situations of narcissistic husbands refusing to help a spouse who was physically ill. She had to drive herself to the hospital.

Narcissistic husbands and narcissistic wives out of revenge will work the mediators and courts to get custody of your children. They hire attorneys who are slick, hungry beasts.

Arm yourself with research about the true nature of the narcissist. Recognize that this person cannot change. This is a fixed personality disorder. Don’t be pulled back into the pseudo marriage by his empty promises and pitiful martyr performances. Be prepared for his tawdry act but know that he will seek revenge, get it and never look back. The narcissist is hard and cold, like a piece of stone.

Make your move to sever the relationship soon rather than later. You have courage and talents and your life ahead of you. Many before you have made this break and discovered that at the end of the tunnel there is freedom, inner peace and an expansion of your creative gifts. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Sociopathic Narcissists Harm Their Children

The sociopathic narcissist appears in innumerable disguises. Since childhood they are been refining a persona that is magnetic, charming and irresistible to others. They study human nature, understand emotional vulnerabilities and know precisely whom and when to attract those individuals who will fulfill their wishes and desires. Early on this child learned directly from the parent, that life was all about winning in all of its forms–money, prestige, praise, fame, material acquisitions, competing and winning at the top tiers of power. There are parents who program their small children to become successful, compete and defeat others who are in their way and teach them to be ruthless and uncaring as long as they reach their goals. Children are taught to take a “no prisoners” attitude about other human beings. If someone cannot perform for you and get you directly to your goal, discard them. If they are in your way, make their life so miserable that they can no longer compete with you. If they persist, find cunning methods to destroy their reputations, financial security and emotional well being. These lessons are taught early and they resonate deeply in the child.

Some children of sociopathic narcissists have access to an inner part of themselves who intuitively knows that what the parent is demanding of them is wrong and inconsistent with their own nature. I have heard many stories of grown children who bucked the narcissistic parent and suffered the consequences. They were quickly discarded psychologically and cut permanently out of the family circle.

The spouse of the sociopathic narcissist is often complicit through her psychological weakness, her addiction to a certain lifestyle and her fear of being cast out of paradise. She is so distressed and feels incapable of leading an independent life, that she colludes with the sociopathic narcissist who controls the family.

Some children in these families become sociopathic narcissists like mom or dad. After all, this is the family tradition and heritage. They often learn to outdo the parent and become even more ruthless, unethical and conniving than their original teacher. Children in these families who do not follow the “winning at any cost” rules are left on their own without support of any kind. Mother or father won’t pay for their educations, demeans them constantly and undermine their individuality and creativity. The pain that these discarded children suffer is extreme. Many of them leave home early in their midteens to look for ways to survive. They are estranged from the siblings that went along with the narcissistic parent, These siblings despise the ones who were cast out and do everything they can to make their lives miserable. There is no opportunity for a “prodigal son or daughter” reunion with the narcissistic parent. The familial doors have been locked and the compound is sealed off.

Those who survive the sociopathic narcissistic parent have a long hard scrabble road ahead of them. I have communicated with these adult children. They endured many psychological and monetary harsh winters of striving to just get the bare necessities. For many, the wounds of childhood are still raw and painful. Others persevere through arduous work and schooling (every cent paid by them alone) to achieve their professional goals. As adults many of these individuals have difficulty finding partners who are supportive and empathic. Some fall in love with narcissists and sociopathic narcissists. They end up repeating the torments of childhood. This demonstrates the depth of pain the child of such parents experienced. They were never protected or cherished or felt special and valued. It is not surprising that they would find partners who would treat them with disrespect, cruelty and contempt.

Some of these adult children break the cycle of self harm and sever their relationship with the sociopathic narcissist. They redefine themselves, develop a sense of self entitlement and renew themselves as individuals who have moved beyond the pain of their family of origin and into a life that they deserve where there is hope, self initiative, inner peace and psychological and emotional freedom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

What You Don’t Know About the Narcissist Can Harm You

You and the narcissist may share the same time and space in a family, business or marriage but you are planets apart.The narcissist thrives in a world of delusion of his/her making. The narcissist’s visions of reality are grandiose, skewed to an absolute belief in his superiority. He holds ultimate power and control over others through manipulations, deceits and chronic lying. We may not recognize that the individual we are meeting is a narcissist, especially if he/she is masterful at playing his roles. If you do not react the way he perceives you will, he is very adept at switching to another character in his drama. All of this is a convincing act but fraudulent.

Narcissists don’t change; their personality structure is rigid and very unlikely to change..
Narcissists generally don’t benefit from psychotherapy because they are certain that the problem(s) originates and is being driven by others—spouses, children, siblings, business associates. The narcissist believes he is flawless; the difficulty is with others not him. If you cross the narcissist, at times he/she will relentlessly pursue you. They go to war in certain situations. It is particularly ugly in divorce proceedings, division of property and material possessions and custody decisions.

In extreme instances the narcissist decides that he/she can wreck you life on every level—personal and professional. Narcissists always know that they will win. They persuasively lie to everyone, including judges, therapists and lawyers. Their confidence overflows with hubris. Without a conscience they throw threats, intimidations, defamations of character where ever they might stick. They often get away with their outrageous and destructive behaviors. Many narcissists present themselves as victims and convince many people through the fine art of lying. They have been practicing perfidy since they were children.

Learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder. It is well worth doing your homework.
The earlier you identify a narcissist, the greater the edge you have in either avoiding this individual or giving yourself a head start on dealing with this person.
Trust and deepen your intuition—that quality that tells us the truth directly and accurately.
If you are dealing with a narcissist, learn to detach your feelings from their psychological bait.
Practice some form of quieting your body/mind—yoga, restorative yoga, meditation, tai chi, etc. This will provide you with powerful techniques for grounding yourself.
Always remember that the narcissist is projecting his/her venom and other contents of the unconscious most of the time. This is the narcissist’s noxious unconscious remnants. They do not belong to you.
Learn to detach from the narcissist’s histrionics. These individuals are waiting for you to overreact. Maintain your sense of emotional equilibrium so they will not have you as a target. Don’t share any of your deep feelings with the narcissist. He or she will use them to manipulate your vulnerabilities.
Appreciate your uniqueness and your entitlement to lead a life of inner peace, meaningful relationships with those who appreciate you and the expansion of your creativity.
Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Stop Playing the Role of Narcissistic Supply

A narcissistic supply feeds the narcissist’s hungry ego. Narcissistic supplies come in many forms: praise, adulation, high social status, wealth, beauty, handsomeness, athletic prowess, celebrity. The narcissist chooses certain people to come into his/her life and act as ego boosting, narcissistic supplies. With this other individual at his side, he believes that his elaborate image will score even higher points in the world. The narcissists who succeed with money and power are highly prized by those in this present self-obsessed society. The media idolizes and reward narcissists as do large swaths of the business and professional world. If a narcissist is at a high enough level he or she can get away with almost anything.

The narcissist cannot have an authentic relationship with another human being. People to him are objects to be manipulated, seduced and exploited for their value to him. The narcissist perceived other individuals as part of him that will enhance and enrich his image and status in the world. Narcissists uses spouses, partners and their own children as supplies.

If you are picked by a narcissist to be his/her partner or spouse, it is vital to be aware that this person is incapable of having a genuine psychologically intimate relationship. Regardless of the persuasiveness of his act that gravitates you to him, the narcissist has no intention nor is he capable of sustaining a loving reciprocal relationship. He is a masterful actor and leads many to believe that he loves them deeply. But this is part of his elaborate act to maintain his control over you and to keep his ego supplies well stocked.

To protect yourself from the narcissist, learn about every detail of this personality disorder. If you have finally recognized that this individual is a narcissist and cannot truly love or appreciate who you are, distance yourself from this person. The best action is to sever this “relationship”, deal with your painful feelings of sadness, regret and broken hopes and to move forward with your life rather than remain a living accoutrement of his/hers. The work of ending these relationships may be helped with high quality psychotherapy as well as healing modalities: gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, the deep caring of a few close friends. You deserve to lead your life as an individual who respects and values herself and is treated in this manner. You are unique and valuable. Get in touch with those facets of yourself. Give yourself credit from the journey you have made from playing the role of narcissistic supply to leading your life fully and freely as a separate authentic human being. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]